Sarah Nyhan

Taking Up Space

Writing

  • Woke Up

    I woke up from a dream where I was the fourth person in the front of a pickup truck driving down a road. My grandmother was to my right and my grandfather was to her right. He was being snappy and not in a good mood. Bringing down the vibe. So I asked him in front of everyone, “Grandpa, why are you being so cantankerous?” My grandma laughed out loud; kinda impressed that I’d dare to call him out. In front of everyone.

    But before he could answer, I said, “I know why you are being cantankerous. I can tell you, but it is sad. Do you want me to tell you?”

    They wanted to know. So I said through even tears at the end, “You are grieving. The whole world is grieving right now. The loss of a world and a life we thought we knew. The loss of a story we thought we were living. It is not there anymore. It is gone. And we are all grieving.”

    Then I woke up.

    I think it is true. I think collectively we are all thiiiiiiiis close to the edge. It’s pretty amazing if you think about the potential and how actually well we’ve been doing in not completely losing it. Some people yes, but I think the majority get up every morning and make a conscious decision to keep going, give it what they’ve got, and not give up. Most likely for the love they have for at least one someone. Even if it is “just” a pet that would miss them.

    I think that’s incredibly honorable. I think that speaks a lot on the potential and good that still remains. If only we’d wake up. And stop consuming what is killing us.

    But even then, I’ve come to the conclusion that this human experience must not be the pinnacle to cling to.

    Hear me out.

    I have to briefly go back to 2017 when I learned two things.

    One, that Holy Spirit was referred to using feminine words in the Bible. Nobody ever told me that in over 30 years!! Sitting in pews, listening to preachers, year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day. Not one! Not one pastor ever talked about the significance of the Holy Spirit being referred to with feminine words. It wasn’t until I heard William Paul Young talk about it that my eyes started to open. The ramifications we’re huge and many.

    The second thing I learned is that in many ancient manuscripts, the words translated “who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” are not included in what we label as Romans 8:1. That was huge to me because that particular sentence was a big part of my journey.

    So how could You let there be imperfect teachers and imperfect translations, God? How could You expect anyone to get it right when You haven’t provided a perfect manual? Because You could; You could provide a perfect manual. You could write it on even the sky for us all to see. Somehow, some way You could do it. But You don’t, so what gives?

    Maybe a perfect translation isn’t the point. Maybe getting it right isn’t the point.

    Maybe relationship is the point. Maybe the questions remain specifically so that they will draw us to The Real Answer? For our hearts, souls, and spirits. Not just our minds.

    So back to grieving and this human experience. I have started to look at it with similar logic. God could have Created an experience where there is no death. Where nothing dies. But Trinity didn’t do that. So that leaves me to believe that this human experience is not something to cling to.

    The more I learn about God, the more I see that Trinity puts pictures all around us. I think to help and comfort us.

    So I wonder, maybe this human experience, where we are so spiritually blind and deaf, I wonder if it can be compared to the experience of developing in the womb?

    The baby in the womb hasn’t known anything else. Has no real knowledge of real life outside the womb except for hearing some sounds that make it through the barrier kinda muffled. How is that any different than us now? We think this little floating rock in outer space is everything. All we’ve known. But yet most have experienced some interaction with Something outside of what we can see and quantify.

    I wonder if the baby thinks it is dying when it is being pushed out of the only home it has ever known? Is that also a picture for us? We think that when we leave this earth, we call it an end. But what if this human experience is just a beginning like the nine months a developing child is in the womb?

    The baby is usually born into a room with lots of bright lights that they have never seen before. Shocking. Is that also a picture for us? How many times have you heard someone with a near-death experience say that they saw “the light” when they started to go over to the other side?

    What comforts me? A baby can’t even conceptualize the enormity of all the possibilities that await it outside the womb. The existence inside was so dark and limited. Maybe, hopefully the same awaits us. When we can finally know as we are known. Maybe that’s why nobody comes back for good. Because real life is on the other side. And it is so much better.

    So although I can appreciate this human experience, I no longer cling to it. I know longer take it so seriously. I only want to enjoy as much of it as possible. I only want to get out of it as much as I’m supposed to get. And give as much as I can give while I am here to do that.

    But I no longer worship this experience as if it is the main thing. Or even the last chance.

    And then this grieving business. I am comforted personally by picturing a baby again. How at some point it starts to outgrow the womb. The time comes where it needs more. And so with us here on this earth. We call people old souls. Maybe that is truer than not. Maybe we reach a point where we’ve fully developed in this world. Where we’ve outgrown this experience. Where our hearts LONG to be on the other side. Where we really belong. And so then at some point we get pushed out of this experience and into the next.

    I only cry for those of us who are left behind in the sense of being temporarily unable to interact in the physical the same way we used to with those we love and miss.

    And my hope is that all is for healing. Even the loss of what we are grieving. Maybe like the seasons and like the sun, darkness reveals a new day. Maybe some of the things we held onto needed to go to make room for a better story. I’m not talking specifically about people, but maybe them also in some cases.

    We can generalize and ask to see what good is coming out of this collectively. Please do that, is my recommendation. But even more importantly, what about for each of us personally? I can’t answer that barely even for myself; so for sure no one else. But ask. I encourage you to ask Spirit for some clarity. Some comfort in the midst of all of this. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.

    This is a Father who feeds His children. Who doesn’t do abandonment. Who never gives a slap when approached for a hug. Who isn’t too busy for you.

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  • Someone Asked

    There are so many different ways relationships can express themselves. I was laughing with a friend the other day when we were talking about how it might be nice to be married but not live in the same house as our spouses; just live right next door. And share space when times flow well, but have somewhere close to go when time apart is also good.

    When I was younger, I could see only one way. My friend, Dr. Jonathan, told me back in the day, “Sarah, you are so damn black and white.” I didn’t get it then, but now I do. Over the past few years.

    And why wouldn’t there be more than one way? Look at all the diversity in Creation! Is this a black and white world? No, not even halfway. So, why not our God?

    I’m talking about love. Who we love. How we love.

    I wish I knew this before. Back when I needed to define everything. When I didn’t leave any room for mystery, for God to surprise me. When I tried to boil everything down to what I could understand and control.

    And although I think the limits of love are vastly beyond what we are accustomed to in at least this culture, I think love itself is way less complicated than we make it.

    For me it is now just time spent and respect. I value you as a person. I want to spend time with you. I want to hopefully have the opportunity to express how I feel about you. And then respect how far you want to go with any and all of that. That’s it.

    No labels. No contracts. You know, like it used to be back when love was fun. Back when life was fun.

    Maybe we lost it along the way. When we were chasing value, worth, and identity that we didn’t realize we already had. Because we were lied to.

    Maybe real Love is not and never was complicated.

    Someone asked me about someone I used to share a bed, a home, pets, a life, good times, and lots of laughs with. A female.

    It was a long time before I arrived where I am now. Years I was tortured. Years I hurt those I loved by my back and forth leavings. So tied up inside. So sure about what was in my mind. And yet, life and love would undeniably call to my heart. More real than anything I’ve experienced in a “sanctuary”. They were my home – these ones I loved.

    I was so scared. So un-used-to this. If I liked it, it must be wrong, right?

    That’s what I was told by others through actions, words, and whatnot. Turning me into twice the child of hell that they clung to so dearly.

    Fear.

    There was very little life in those pews. Sadly.

    This satan. The one who steals a hug from a child. Who makes one afraid of touch that she, or he, needs so much. That is evil.

    There are a million different arguments. I am sure there is value in many of the points. But I’m not interested in defending myself to anyone else’s standards. Because I am not on trial. I am free to love – and that is what I intend on spending my good time doing. Not going to war with people who so badly need to see me as wrong. That’s not what I want my legacy to be.

    This is after I lived there for a long time. After I gave up God briefly. Regrettably traded Love for religion for a time.

    She was in the hospital bed, for God’s sake. And still managed to get me my strawberry birthday cake with sprinkles. She cared about my art more than anyone else. She setup the sweetest little desk. The perfect light. For God’s sake. She hauled that massive bed to me. The one she made. My Saint Francis of Assisi.

    That damn devil religion blinded me. I traded mystery for security. I traded loving for knowing. Foolishly.

    I left.

    I needed to go through a hell to get it all out of me. I’m only thankful for that – finally now being free. But I wish it didn’t happen so painfully. Those were not wasted years but I could have experienced them sooo differently. So much more pleasantly. If only I had believed. Who I really was and how much we are all safe and Loved!

    It wasn’t until so much later when I asked God why.

    Because I left her for only one reason – a night where I had a dream. Where we were in bed side by side. And then the “rapture” happened – as commonly depicted. All the people flying up into the sky. But not me. And after I looked over to her, I heard God say, “Is she worth it?” Then I woke up. And fear gripped me so hard, so terrified, that I started packing and left her right away. “You know if you leave, you can never come back.” I cried for weeks.

    Still not over it. Over her.

    But this is where we are at. So I was very confused when after I heard the best news, God brought me to people that challenged my views.

    First at least two that used to be part of an organization that sounds like it could be categorized as based on supporting conversion “therapy” (I shudder to even speak of it like that). I met them after their journey of leaving that group and repenting.

    Then I learned one of them was in a relationship with a married man. And the married man’s spouse knew and was ok. This married man who was still actively involved in a religious organization. Not out.

    That one was more difficult for me. Because of my hurts.

    Then the leader of a different organization that advocated for people who loved God but also who had chosen to create a safe space where they would not be talked down to for decisions about which other adults they choose to share their bodies with.

    That one broke me. I, even I who had just experienced the most powerful spiritual revelation of my life, even I couldn’t go there then. Because it was too much at the time. To think I threw away years I could have had with someone I never quit missing.

    That’s why I understand now when people come against me. They say it’s based on intellectual theology. But no, the deepest issues of their heart are being called. And those wounds are very scary. To look at all you didn’t have to lose. Believe me, that is hell. That is weeping and gnashing of teeth. I know that all too well. It very nearly kills you.

    That’s why I have to give my Dr. Jonathan my peace, my blessing. Although I tried, I now understand why in many ways he couldn’t go further. It would have killed him maybe sooner. To see and know all that could have been had he and others he loved known differently.

    Maybe sometimes we really don’t want to take it. We’d rather have the “security” of lies than to risk everything for real life that offers no formula or guarantees beyond “Jesus Loves Me”.

    I almost didn’t make it. I almost turned to walk back to just the outside edges of Egypt for a little bit of a sense of “security”. But thankfully, ironically, I had already lost so much that losing a little more wasn’t as scary.

    That’s what I think it means when Jesus said it’s more difficult for those who feel comfortably cocooned in their choice of safety. And I really might have traded all of the true goodness I’ve since experienced if I ever had the opportunity. Honestly; I hate how painful this journey has been. Even as I am eternally thankful for what it has brought me.

    But even that I know I can’t take credit for – any crowns belong at His feet for sure because I have fought every revelation almost all the way. This is not about how great I am. Definitely. This is only about always new Mercies and Love without end. Amen. But God. That’s it.

    I finally asked. After being led to that place. After finally being assured it was okay to look. I finally asked.

    “Why did you let me believe I was going to hell if I didn’t leave her, God?”

    “Because she would have broken your heart and I didn’t want that for either of you. I didn’t want you to live with her breaking your heart. I didn’t want her to live with breaking your heart. So I got you out of there the only way you would have gone – your fear of a hell. Otherwise you loved her so much that you never would have left. Even if it was best for both of you to be apart for a time. For healing. Not for hurting.”

    Blew. My. Mind.

    I never expected that answer in a million religious years. Changed everything for me. Just like the previous big revelation. Where you know something on a level in your soul and spirit that no one can argue with you. Well, they can try. But just like our brother long ago said, “Once I was blind, but now I see.”

    That’s why I have no interest in arguing. I know what I experienced as much as I know I need water and oxygen. I only share to encourage people to ask for themselves. Whatever they are dealing or wrestling with. I can’t say anything close to what Spirit is able to reveal. To your heart and even deeper. Where it matters most.

    And so everything changed. Slowly but surely. As much as I could handle at a time. First that question. Me with a woman. So much more to say on that.

    By the way, two women in the field. And two men in a bed. I don’t know, but interesting, no? Those examples. That Jesus chose. I always wonder if He did that purposefully. Probably so. I mean, He Is God. And He knows. How we’d still be talking about these things two thousand years later. Still wrestling.

    That IS my God. The Master of what we refer to as the chiastic structure. Teaching us either way. Wherever we are. With whatever we give Him. Like a prism. Reflecting back to us. Refracting. Dispersing. No matter what.

    I always go back to the parable of the rich young ruler. Jesus was trying to help him see the audacity. I don’t believe He was ever communicating that we need to give away all our money.

    Same with me. With my situation. God loved me the same. As I turned and walked away. As I incorrectly but understandably felt I had to rely on my strength. Disguised as well-meaning religiosity.

    I was free that day. I could have stayed. But I didn’t know it. And that was the point all along. That was what needed to get out of me. In order for me to really and fully love as I always wanted and intended.

    It is funny to me now. That we only ever had one true argument. It was because she told me that she thought it was okay to kiss other people.

    Even in the beginning, the very beginning, she asked and thereby suggested that this could just be a weekend thing. I was incredulous at the time! Extremely offended.

    How like God that I wish she would give me the time to let me tell her how I now see it so differently.

    Not even by choice. The solution presented itself as an “unsolvable” “problem”. Where I loved and wanted more than one person. And I could never choose between them for very long. So different. Each brought something completely different to the relationship. And I couldn’t ever make peace in my mind with choosing one at the expense of losing the other.

    I even asked God about it for years. Over and over. When it suddenly occurred to me that maybe He mercifully wasn’t confirming anything for me because I was asking the wrong question. Maybe I didn’t have to choose. Maybe I even had God’s blessing to love both.

    Whoa!

    Again, my mind blown.

    And then the unfolding of all that could possibly mean. Even now still fitting those ideas on for size. To see how they measure up. Because as always, it seems the only answer I ever get is, “What do you want?”

    That’s where the rubber hits the road. Not what can I get? But, what do I want? Radical responsibility in one sense. The utmost respect for the people involved. No longer tools. No longer means to an end. But no, everything.

    I now see the Bible as a collection of stories about how people see God. It starts and ends similarly. With Jesus in the middle telling us the truth.

    What if the only real adultery is trading how God sees us for how others see us? Or even how we see ourselves?

    What if marrying and having children is mainly an exercise intended to teach us about how much God loves us in spite of all our screw-ups?

    We even say these little defenseless babies that do nothing but take from us and shit, piss, and throw up – we call them perfect. And I do believe they are. But what if that is more a picture to help us see how God loves us? What we mean to Trinity? Than a social construct to be worshipped and idolized for what it proposes to offer on its own and of itself.

    What if some people can learn those lessons without getting married? Without having kids?

    What if that’s what Jesus was getting at when He talked about us being like the angels – where no one is married or given away in marriage. Because they don’t need that in order to know as they are known.

    So then maybe we can see how single people are not failures at life. My dear Jonathan when I knew him, myself, and many others. Because this life and these experiences are setup just to help us see and know one thing: how much God loves us. They are not an end in themselves.

    So I can relax. I can enjoy the time someone chooses to spend with me. I can decide how much of myself I want to share with them. And I can let people come and go. As they need and want to.

    And none of it means I am a bad person just because others don’t understand or my freedom makes them think and feel too much; threatens the comfort they’ve settled for in terms of the chokehold they’ve established through control in order to avoid their fear of feeling any vulnerability. Because they don’t yet fully understand who and Whose they are. Completely eternally safe. Already included. ALL IN.

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  • Alive

    Physical death has such a cold, sharp finality. And such temptation. Maybe the ultimate test. My heart cries out, “God, have You forsaken me?”

    I have to choose the answer. Even if only intellectually. Even though all I see seems to contradict who I know You to be.

    This is Jesus as we are murdering Him. Facing the “Is this worth it?” moments. For the joy set before Him. Jesus didn’t think Love was in vain. It wasn’t our love for God that kept Him alive. No. True Love never dies. No matter the darkness, even the tiniest Light will pierce it thru.

    So what are You showing me in this, Lord?

    There is a temptation to sit here. To keep Love and Hope alive by sitting here. That’s what I did the past few years. And very unfortunately it did not work. On this side. My love and hope wasn’t enough.

    Is Jesus’ Love enough and hope for us enough? Was it?

    Maybe yes and no.

    The cold, cold sting of death asks me if I could have done more. What if I could have had a few more years? I’m afraid that question will haunt me until I get to the other side.

    But this is also a two-way street. Just like with God. What if you were also part of the problem? What if we were stopped, waiting on you also?

    Do things happen as they are supposed to happen or can we mess it up? Can we miss out?

    Did Abraham and Sarah have to involve Hagar or was there always the option of a different outcome without her? Did Moses have to strike the rock or could he have chosen to go into The Promised Land? Did David have to sleep with a man’s wife and murder her husband or could he have left a better legacy? Did Judas have to betray Jesus or could everyone have chosen differently and experienced more than those three or so years?

    There is someone I know who is a very bitter, hateful, hurtful, and combative person. This female refuses to face the pain of her past choices. Instead, she projects – if you listen closely, she is obsessed with telling her story by accusing others of the things she does and has done. Over and over.

    Looking in from the outside, it seems so clear that there is a better way, simply speaking of course. But really, is she unnecessarily complicating things?

    If so, why? Is it because her hope is in a story she has been telling herself? Versus the heart of God for her?

    Could she have a much better life, all she really wants and more, if she just stopped trying to break down the same closed doors and instead turned around and went a different way?

    Is my hope also in a story? Or will I allow myself to rest in God? In Trinity’s heart for me? Maybe that is the only way. To real peace and happiness.

    I have no room to judge. I get it. But can I decide differently today? To build my love on something other than what I seemed to have lost? To truly believe, even choose to believe, that God’s heart is always for healing versus hurting. Even if it was just us who messed it up.

    Jesus sought Peter out. He presented him with another way. Is Spirit doing the same with us today? Ok, with even just me?

    I’m a writer. Nobody forces me to put down any certain thing. Yes, words come to mind. But I am the one who ultimately presses the keys. Who says yes and no. Nobody else. Not even God.

    So is it that simple? Just write another story? Just tell ourselves another story? Or maybe even stop telling ourselves stories not much further beyond “God loves me for sure”?

    Like, what if I didn’t insist on God doing things my way? What would happen if I invited God to whip up some of Trinity’s beautifully artistic mystery into my life? What would I be losing?Fear and control didn’t work anyway in helping me avoid pain and loss; they may have even made the wounds worse.

    What if we’re scared to say goodbye because we don’t want to let go and it hurts too much to hope for a good or better hello? Both understandable. But, God. In me. Only FOR me. Even when we abandon ourselves. No?

    The only thing that keeps me moving forward is knowing you’d be so unhappy for me to stay stuck. You wouldn’t want your legacy to be me wasting away in your memory. Absolutely not. You’d be so upset FOR me if I did that.

    I feel you telling me to honor you by LIVING. By not staying stuck. By not parking my identity in what was. By not defining myself by only one opportunity to have loved.

    Even if it was the best. Thus far.

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  • Miss You

    If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t judge you or try to fix you. I’d just enJoy the time with you. As much time as you’d give me.

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  • Do You Have What It Takes?

    In memory and honor of my friend, Dr. Jonathan Almirudis.

    Do you have what it takes?

    Before Christ was crucified, Peter was in his own strength saying, “I got this.” It is recorded for us how Peter failed. Yet we say, “I’d never be like Peter. Everyone else will, but not me, God.” And then we all fail in our own ways. We don’t trust Him and we take matters into our own hands. Like Adam and Eve?

    After they all failed Jesus, Peter and the rest of the guys were hiding and went back to what they knew before their failures. Jesus revealed Himself to them!! He pursued them as they were failing to provide for themselves.

    Did He say, “Man guys, if you would have laid down your lives for me, you probably would be having a better time right now.”

    Nope.

    He gave them a choice: “Keep doing it your way or listen to Me.”

    When they listened to Him, they were overwhelmed with goodness and that goodness opened their eyes. Peter ran to Him.

    Did Jesus say, “I just died for you after you denied me. The least you could do is cook me some breakfast, Peter”?

    Nope.

    Jesus said, “Kids, you are hungry. Take a load off and come eat some fish tacos I made for you.”

    Did Jesus then say, “Peter, since you towed the line and showed all these wimps how to do it, I’m going to leave you in charge when I’m gone”?

    Nope.

    Did Jesus say, “Peter, since you repented and believed enough after you screwed up, I’m going to put you in charge when I leave so you can show the rest of these hoodlums how to do it when I’m gone”?

    Nope.

    In front everyone, to redeem Peter’s original failure (as a picture of Christ redeeming Adam’s original failure?), Jesus said, “Peter, do you have what it takes this time?”

    “No, Lord. I have a little but not enough.”

    Again: “Peter, do you have what it takes?”

    “No, Lord.”

    And a third time, “Peter, do you have what it takes?”

    “No, Lord. You know I don’t have what it takes.”

    Then Jesus says, “Great! Now you are ready! Tell them how much I love you. Tell them how much I love them.”

    Just like with Moses: “I got this, Lord”. God says, “Whoa Moses, let me show you some stuff.” And out Moses goes to learn about dirty, stinky sheep in the desert for a few decades.

    Then after he’s lost all hope of his dreams being fulfilled, it’s like God shows up and says, “You ready, Moses?”

    “Oh, no way, God. Look at me.”

    “Exactly! Look at you. Perfect for what I AM doing. I don’t need your strength, Moses.”

    God is saying, “I don’t need your strength, Sarah.”

    God is saying, “I don’t need your strength, children.”

    Just like with the Israelites. Why were Joshua and Caleb praised? THEY KNEW THEIR GOD!!! They didn’t see things through their own efforts.

    Just like with Abraham, no? Another picture of Adam and us?

    Kinda like, “Ok Abe, I am giving you a promise.”

    “Sounds great, Lord.”

    Time goes by. All Abe sees is his own inabilities. Sarah says, not unlike Eve, “Well, maybe God really did leave us to figure this out on our own?” So they proceed to make a mess of it.

    And what does God do? “That’s it! I can’t stand ya’ll!” ZAP!

    Nope.

    More grace. God says like He said to Peter, “I don’t even need your strength of believing, Abraham. I don’t need your strength of faith.”

    God gave Abraham the promise of a son BEFORE Abraham believed. Did Abraham’s subsequent acts of unbelief nullify God’s promise?

    GOD KNEW!!! Right after He gave the promise, He sealed it using the perfect picture: the old tradition was that if two men made an agreement, then they signified and sealed that agreement by killing an animal and splitting its body in half. Then both men would walk through the middle of the slaughtered animal so as to say, “If I don’t keep my part of this promise then let the same thing be done to me as to this animal.”

    But did God let Abraham walk through the middle of the dead animals? NO! There was only a torch to represent God that was sent through the dead animals!! To show that only God was tied to keeping the promise!

    And the torch, what a picture: a Light!

    And on top of that, God had Abraham setup the slaughtered animals during the day but waited until the darkness in order for The Light to pass through and seal the deal.

    Wow! Picture after picture.

    Now that is good news!

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  • Take It

    I took a drive to the cemetery in your honor. I went the back way. Like you probably would have done. Up Blanco Road to 46 and then crossing over. How many times you took me up Blanco Road. It was bittersweet doing it without you.

    I hear you telling me not to cry for you. I know if you could talk to me right now, you’d tell me to focus on Love. On telling people the best news. I’m trying.

    I know you’d tell me to get my big girl pants on. I cry for us being without you for a time. But I know you wouldn’t want me to park there. Funny that I found that screenshot of a messages between us where the last thing you said in that particular conversation was, “Quit crying and drive.” I feel like that’s your message to me now.

    So I took that last drive in your honor. To the cemetery. It was such a beautiful day. Perfect for a drive. Cool air and crystal clean blue skies after a cold rain. You would have loved it.

    But on the way there, I was crying a lot. I always thought we would eventually be friends again here. I never expected it to end here like this. I so miss all the good times. I thought we had time. That things would get fixed on this side.

    I cried out in frustration and asked why. “Jonathan isn’t gone. He is very much alive; his spirit is very much alive. He’s just somewhere else. You’ll see him again eventually.”

    I can still think of you being alive because you are. Just somewhere else. It feels like it will be a long time now. But I think when we see you again on the other side, it will then feel like a blink of an eye. When we catch up to where our spirits and hearts reside.

    I couldn’t find your grave. I was really sad about that. Drove around and got out multiple times. Then parked and walked around what felt like the whole thing. Nothing. Was talking to J the whole time. She called as I arrived at the cemetery. She said she was in shock also.

    Finally I was going to give up. It was getting dark. There were so many graves. I didn’t know how I was going to find your’s. I asked J to pray for me to find it. I went and sat in the car. We kept talking. There was almost no daylight left. Almost no hope. I was thinking multiple times that I should just put the car in gear and drive away.

    But then your T called. Hadn’t heard his voice in longer than your’s. Was good but of course I never wanted it under these circumstances. For him as much as anyone. But thankfully he was able to quickly and clearly lead me to where they put your body. We talked more. Good conversation as always. He told me what happened. The amazing story about who stopped and was with you. That brought me and hopefully T and others so much comfort. I wish he didn’t have to miss you. I told him ya’ll were truly brothers.

    I sent J and T the picture below. (Those two are the main ones I would have wanted to talk about you with – so thankful for that.) Kinda poetically beautiful that I found your spot just as the last bit of the sunset was fading. I’m reminded now that I learned in the last few years, from Steve McVey, that the Jewish people considered sundown the start of a new day. Versus sunrise. So yeah, as much as you going elsewhere looks like an end, maybe it is a new beginning for us that miss you.

    I believe in my mind, but please help my heart’s unbelief. My fears.

    The only thing that kills me are the what ifs. I tried so hard, but there were a few things I didn’t work hard enough on for us. It kills me to think if I had done that work then maybe we’d have had more time together.

    I hope I’m wrong. I hope things turned out like they needed to and were supposed to. But I have doubts. That I could have done more.

    The only thing that helps me move forward is knowing you wouldn’t want me to park there either.

    Funny that the next day I heard this song for the first time.

    The only thing I don’t regret is that it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

    💙 -sarah

    , , ,

  • My Jonathan

    One of my closest and best friends of my life passed away.

    We used to hang out over twelve hours a day. Up to multiple times a week. Taking long drives. Talking about everything. Sometimes up until three in the morning talking on the phone.

    It was the best of times even when there were worst of times between us. To the point of us eventually parting ways. I was so sad about that. I tried over and over to fix it.

    Last year we met in person for the first time in years. I never imagined it would be the last time.

    It was good to see him again and be able to hear him talk. He told me all about his new life. Just like when we would take our drives, the first couple of hours were for him to share. And I loved that. I loved being there to hear.

    I knew there was something very different about him in the best of ways. Special only in that sense.

    What drove us apart was what was also some of his best qualities. It didn’t matter what anyone thought – he was a fighter who would stand for the truth, as much as he knew it, until the very end. Without apology or wavering. When he was sure, he ran with it and there was no stopping him. One of the most passionate and bold people I’ve known in that way.

    I commonly think of people as what kind of dog they would be. No doubt in my mind he was that little scrappy dog guarding the whole house all the time. Up in a split second at the first hint of danger. Ready to go to war with the biggest – no matter how imposing the Goliath. He knew Love enough to stand up and not back down from any fight. I so respected him for that (and more) – even when we disagreed.

    I will so miss our talks. I never stopped hoping we’d have more on this side. Every time the phone rang or I was sent a text, I’d hope it was him TELLING me he was coming to take me on one of those great drives. Now I don’t have that hope anymore. I am very sad about that. Some of the best times in my life.

    But I am thankful we met one last time this year. That we volleyed back and forth verbally like before. It didn’t start out the same, but by the end I was starting to see MY Jonathan again. His smiles after he tossed me some verbal jab laced with just enough audacity to make me laugh in the middle of the most serious talks. Wicked good humor – and he meant whatever he said. I will keep missing that so much.

    He took a break from telling me what he wanted to share about his new life to put on his Doctor hat to find out where I needed fixing. It was quickly clear that there was a bigger reason for our meeting – although I don’t think either of us could figure it out at the time.

    It felt so unfinished. I walked away sad. Hopeful and thankful for him and his time, but sad. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted him to be at peace, free, and happy. I wanted that so badly for him. On this side – as much as I’m confident he’s fully there now. Wherever he is. Without us that remain thinking we are here.

    I wanted to be a part of him being at peace, free, and happy. Looking back, I guess I was – even not as I expected all this time.

    I wanted so much more for him. For our friendship. This is not how I expected things to end. I thought we had more time.

    Numb.

    Why? Why, why, WHY, WHY?!?!

    Ugh. Sigh.

    Silence.

    I wanted so much to share the good – the better – news with him. “Don’t worry. He knows now. More than you. He’s also so excited for you to get there. You are stuck in time. You’ll get to see. It will still thrill your heart with joy. He’s so excited to show you.”

    I wanted us to go on more drives. I wanted to show him Seattle and the Northwest coast. I hated the fog and rain, but he told me he loved it; it was his favorite. “Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time for more exploring. Fantastic places.”

    This man, my Jonathan, was there for me in the beginning. He really was the main one to keep me afloat as far as he could go. I will forever be thankful for that!! I’m so glad I got that last hug. That there were finally smiles again when we last met.

    That man loved more than most. That man fought for what was right more than most. There was a fire in his heart and he went full force. Embraced all and everything he knew.

    And this was never about getting anything right. This was always about love – and Jonathan received and gave so much love.

    “It was good that Jonathan introduced others to Love as he knew Love. They needed that Love to believe in. At the time. Those efforts were not in vain.”

    I hear him telling me not to have ANY fear! That he wishes he could be here for me, and so many others. To tell us what he now knows. That it is all so much better than he tried to tell us, than he ever knew before.

    That there really is nothing to be afraid of at all! That I’ll only regret the things I didn’t do – that’s what I hear from him loud and clear. To just go for it! To embrace it ALL and FULLY enJoy it. That the time will pass so quickly.

    That he isn’t sad at all where he is at. That he is really excited for us to be there with him on the other side when those times come. That he is looking forward to seeing me, us again. That he now understands.

    So much more I could say, but that’s all for now.

    My friend. I will keep missing you here so much. All the talks. All the drives. All the laughs. All the good times. You were such a blessing to me. I am so grateful I knew you. I was so spoiled to get so much of you when I did. People like you don’t come around like that. Rich to experience that once in my lifetime. I can’t wait to see you again.

    💙 – Sarah Louise

    P.S. Now I can share pictures. Memories from some of my favorite times with you.