Don’t want to miss out.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

I had the desire to watch the Monday night study at Calvary Chapel San Antonio. And thankfully it was Paula.

As much as she might not like to teach, I like her teaching best. Even when I don’t agree with what she is saying. It’s like I trust her heart even if I think she is way off base.

But anyway, she was speaking and before I listened I prayed to God to protect my mind. And sure enough, there were several parts where I completely zoned out and wasn’t listening. And then my attention would shoot back and I’d “hear” something. And then zone out again, and come back for another part. Spirit is so cool to protect me like that!

But anyway, she talked about how if we think God is asking us to do something and it doesn’t make sense – just do it. She gave an example about how she missed out one time.

And I was reminded of her words over several few days. It was like God was telling me it was okay to write this.

I don’t know what is going to happen. But if I’m supposed to write this for some reason, then I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to be standing there with regrets after the fact.

I’ve fought God long enough. Since December 2017. Over five years. I don’t want to fight anymore. I can’t.

I know God loves me. I know God has come through for me in so many big ways so many times before. Ways that I haven’t heard other people experience. And I chalk that up to some of the perks of being an orphan of sorts. That God seems to make up the difference for me in certain places that maybe others don’t look to experience. But I’m looking because I’m hungry. I have no one or nothing.

But anyway, it’s like God led me through the Red Sea and I don’t want to go back to Egypt. I can’t forget what God has done for me.

Yes, I get tired and frustrated. And because of the struggles I had when I was younger, I fear that all this is just dreams. Just me making up stuff that will never happen. I mean can you imagine if I started telling people that the biggest things that I believe God can do?! It’s all nice to get theoretical. People will tolerate that. But for me to take a stand to die on that hill. To live as if. Yeah, that would not go over well.

And maybe God won’t do those biggest things. And then I’ll be left to eat crow yet again. But I’ve already lost so much. So if the world turns against me even more, there honestly isn’t even that much left to lose. So what, I am shunned. Not much difference than it is now.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Cheshire – All I Wanna
  2. Daily Bread – Moreland Ave Blues
  3. Daryl Hall & John Oates – I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)
  4. GRiZ – Rock n Roll
  5. GRiZ with iDA HAWK – Stop Trippin’
  6. Kygo, Zak Abel ft. Zak Abel – Freedom
  7. Max Sedgley – Slowly (Original Full Length Version)
  8. Opiuo – Creamy Taco
  9. Shin-Ski – FOMALHAUT
  10. TroyBoi – Fireman

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. Computer can run on atoms
  2. How To Become Great In A Fragile World
  4. Is owning a laundromat worth it with all the repairs?
  5. PLUS SIZE OnlyFans Update | How much I made
  6. The Slow Poison of Endless Fantasy
  7. This is the greatest time to be alive in history
  8. To Read 10K Books is Not as Good as to Walk 10K Miles
  9. Understand the Laws of Power I Robert Greene
  10. You Don’t Need to Be Famous To Make a Living On Social Media

Pirata tacos from Los Arcos in San Antonio, Texas.

This quiet honor roll kid.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

This time I was able to get my words out. I told the school counselor that I was the one who set the fires. But I made sure to iterate that I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

There were now other people brought into the room. The school counselor was in front of me and being very nice to me. Asking me to tell her again what I said. And I told her that I had lit the fires the previous two days.

They kept asking me for details. Like they didn’t believe me. I was trying to convince them that it really was me. I had the distinct feeling that they were having a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that me, this quiet honor roll kid, was the one causing all these problems. Versus the “bad kids” at school who were the usual troublemakers.

I had started cutting myself by that time. And I don’t know if she saw it or if I showed it to her as a way of telling her that I was “crazy” enough to light fires, but at some point my sleeve is pulled up and she is looking at cuttings I made on my arms with a razor blade that were still in the healing process.

And I told her that I had also sprayed graffiti on the mirrors and the doors in the bathrooms before. Many times before I set the fires.

More adults started coming in to talk to me. I think the vice principal was one. I don’t know if I ever met her before, but I immediately liked her. She seemed nice. More concerned than angry. And then the main principal came in to speak with me. I was scared of her because she had a commanding energy. But she also seemed like someone who was fair and not taking things personally.

All while this was going on, I really just wanted to talk to my regular counselor. That’s all I was wanting. If I saw her and talked to her then I knew she’d help me know what to do and help me face whatever I needed to face. And fix whatever I could fix. But I didn’t get to talk to her.

But other adults were called instead. And I was taken to a mental hospital in another city. I just remember an adult female saying as we drove towards the mental hospital, “Why are you doing this to me?”

And that was precisely one of the big problems. There was no concern expressed for me or my well-being. It was all about her. Yet again.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. 2 Chainz ft. Dolla Boy, Raekwon – Letter to da Rap Game
  2. Calli Boom & Godmode – From Zero (Magic Free Release)
  3. Dubbo – Don’t Tempt Me
  4. Hezekiah Walker – Every Praise
  5. Lil’ O – If I Could Then I Would
  6. Monolink – Erik Satie: Gnossienne No. 1 (Monolink Nostalgia Remix)
  7. Mooski – Track Star
  8. Naúx – Comme Neo Dans Matrix
  9. Randy Travis – 1982 (2021 Remaster)
  10. Randy Travis – Send My Body (2021 Remaster)

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. Being mindful with kids is so important! Teaching them body autonomy and respect is crucial
  2. Best summer drink!! You must try it spicy watermelon lemonade
  3. Making dinner for my hard to please momma picadillo de res
  4. My most viral shrimp loaded potato!! One of my best lunches
  5. Packing lunch for my husband and coworkers! Big poppa pork belly sliders
  6. Packing lunch for my husband. easy but delicious
  7. Poor People Believe in KARMA becuase they Have no POWER False Narritives are Alive and Well
  8. The best drink for this summer! Watermelon lemonade
  9. The secret to refried beans!
  10. They got a taste of The big poppa!packing lunch for hubby&workers

Lightning over the bay in Corpus Christi, Texas.

Dropping Gems #186

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Bone Thugs N Harmony – 1st of tha Month
  2. Digable Planets – Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)
  3. Gramatik & BRANX – Future Crypto
  4. Gramatik – Victory
  5. Ini Kamoze – Here Comes The Hotstepper (Remix)
  6. Luniz – I Got 5 On It
  7. Nada Surf – Popular
  8. Rage Against The Machine – Bulls On Parade
  9. Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers – Mary Jane’s Last Dance
  10. Warren G ft. Nate Dogg – Regulate

Dropping Gems #185

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Culture Code – ALWAYS BE YOU
  2. Gramatik ft. Eskobars – Brave Men
  3. Gramatik & Anomalie – Goldilocks Enigma
  4. Gramatik ft. Ryan Shaw & ProbCause – Don’t Give Up
  5. GRiZ – Feel No Pain
  6. GRiZ – Live From Space Camp (Night 1)
  7. Matstubs – Golden Ticket
  8. NGHTMRE and Zeds Dead ft. Tori Levett – Shady Intentions
  9. Sam Smith ft. Kim Petras – Unholy
  10. stupidbeats & Wizard – SCOPIN