Sarah Nyhan

Taking Up Space

Writing

  • Hungry

    The lion and the lamb.

    “The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.”

    Yes, Lord – I believe You have a healing mindset. Yes, Father. Yes, Papa. Yes, Holy Spirit. Yes, Jesus.

    You heal me. Yes. You love me. Yes.

    But point blank, I don’t want to crawl up on a cross like You did. I don’t want to get murdered in the name of Love. Shattered. Haven’t You already asked enough of that from me?

    The lion and the lamb. The little children in the dens of the cobras.

    Fear everywhere.

    What if it is because we are all so hungry?

    What if the lion could lay by the lamb because the lion is already full. Already filled. So he isn’t desperate. He isn’t hungry. He doesn’t really want to fight or kill. He wants love the same way too. It’s exhausting never being able to lay down.

    Ok, but what if that is available now? Even now.

    We see this. People will take in animals. They call it a sanctuary. Hmmm. Where else do we maybe more commonly hear that word? In church. We, the church. Shelter.

    The animals, the odd couples, form in the sanctuary. Maybe sometimes in the wild. When one has compassion for another. The wild cat mother feeling empathy for the baby beast. A bond forms. We see this. When the mother has enough.

    Even in ourselves. It both saddens and amazes me the extremes people will go to in order to protect and care for animals. As we should, I imagine. But to the exclusion of the care of our own kind.

    I understand the reasons why this is not so. But isn’t it crazy, from a high level, that we humans can get it together to adopt out millions of animals while any, even one, child remains in an orphanage. That bothers me as much as I understand it. Where is our heart?

    We are so afraid. We are so hungry.

    I am terrified. That You will ask me to do like You, Jesus. That You have asked me. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to take their wrath. To not fight back. At a minimum to not protect myself. When I am able to do so.

    That’s why they killed You. They wanted You to deliver them from the Romans. From all their oppressors. Fine, we’ll love each other. But Love the people who hurt us?! God, aren’t You asking too much?

    We can’t see because we are so hungry. We incorrectly think the solution is to eat each other.

    “I AM the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe.”

    We don’t believe Trinity is enough. Jesus taught us. Where to go for what we need. But we don’t believe.

    We don’t believe that although He despised the shame, He did it for the joy set before Him. There was something good, very good, that gave Jesus joy. That got Him through. That could get us through. If we weren’t so hungry that we’d even ask.

    This maybe is prayer. Something in going to Trinity constantly. Not in prostration as we tend to think of it. Not with our faces hanging low. But as children that are completely safe – more so than we can think.

    What if that is the only way? Do we dare contemplate how great things could be? Abundantly more than we could ask or imagine.

    Greater than these. How, God? How, Jesus? How can we do greater things than You?

    Maybe Love. Maybe it’s Love.

    “he who believes in Me”

    What, Jesus? Not that you’ll kill my Romans. My oppressors. The people who abuse me. Not that You’ll kill them for me. Punish them. Like we punished and killed You. No; but that I’ll believe that somehow I can come to You and You can heal my hunger so much, to the point that I can feed them – those who have hurt me, those who would kill me. I can feed the lions, the wolves, so they won’t want to eat the lambs.

    I believe it is possible. Even as I know it is clearly impossible in my own strength. But God.

    Are we so hungry that we don’t even want to hear this?! I can certainly relate.

    We say, two thousand years, Lord. Jesus. Two thousand years. And then some. Millennia before. And You want ME to try to make a dent, Father? What is the point? After all I’ve been through? Why can’t someone Love me first? Why does it have to be me? I don’t even want to say the words, but I know we feel it, so only in the interest of being honest – “Why don’t You pick someone else, God?”

    As if this is a burden too difficult to bear. And to be sure, a dying. A laying down. Of our own teeth, our own fangs, our own claws. Otherwise called ego. Understandable. But who are we? Children of God? Or not? Who are we?

    We… No, let me be clear where it counts – I believe, Lord; but please help my unbelief.

    So much more. But what if the point is that the joy before Jesus was that He knew that when we really, really got it – we would feed each other and no one would go hungry. All the way down to the Creation that cries out for us to rise up in that way. To feed the lions so that the lambs will not be in danger.

    We can barely even begin to think about all of this. But God. Only God. So, help me, God. Amen.

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  • Maybe

    Maybe people need less Bible and more Jesus. Maybe they need less sermons from preachers and more Jesus. Less commentaries and more Spirit.

    Do you worship the Bible or do you worship God?

    Are your eyes on the Bible or are your eyes on Jesus?

    “But you do not have His word abiding in you, because whom He sent, Him you do not believe. You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.”

    Are your eyes on the invitation? Studying it? Pouring over it? Instead of actually going to the party?

    I know you mean well, but you don’t trust. You seek control because of fear. Because of how we misrepresent God to each other constantly. Because all they ever told us was that we were orphans.

    Not willing to risk any mystery. Only what your eyes can see.

    Yet you intellectually agree that Their ways are higher than our ways. There thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

    But then also, “No, Jesus – You must get back into the little tiny box I made for You.”

    Jesus is the Word, the final Word of God. Spirit teaches, but Jesus judged us worthy, Loved, valuable, beautiful, important. There is no flaw in you?

    What if Jesus came to show us that we don’t have anything to be afraid of? To show us what is also possible for us? That we have an Abba versus a Zeus. That we always had a home and an inexhaustable inheritance that we have sadly almost not even touched. When the world is CRYING out for us to step into all that even we want to be. That our hearts still yearn for. If we were not so intimidated by fear.

    Who is bigger? Your failures or your God?

    Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

    It has always been about relationship versus rules. We are the ones who insist on not believing that. Who insist on a transactional existence. But in the geniusness of God, Trinity said, “Ok, We’ll meet you even there.” So Jesus came down and fulfilled OUR demands. “How many sins have you committed against each other? What is the punishment you demand? Pour it all out on Me. See, I AM still here. I AM not mad. Now that that is off the table, we can move on. We can step into all you can be and do. If you want to.”

    What if the past is to show us what is possible for us? Not that the whole of existence is just to get really good at understanding Moses or Abraham’s walk. But no, that those same experiences are here RIGHT NOW for us! And even more! Because we know more, so we are able to know better.

    “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and GREATER works than these he will do.”

    I don’t know about you, but that bothers me. That Jesus said we will do greater works. If that is true, I want all of it! For all of us! What a fantastically better world that would be! And can be. Is possible even right now. If we just believe. Even enough to say that we don’t believe. To tell God that we don’t see it.

    That’s the entire point. Start by being honest. Start by asking what you want to ask. Even in anger and frustration. You are of course already fully known. And I confidently believe, also fully Loved.

    This is about you. Your life. God showing up for you! At least as much as Trinity did 2,000+ years ago for those men and women who were just like us. We make them big names now, but back then they were just regular people. On purpose. To show us that God is still more than available for regular people like you and me.

    I challenge you. To choose Life. Even in unbelief. Even in fear. Just experiment. Act as if. And see where God catches you. See where God shows up for you – personally. Not in some story 2,000 years ago. But now, today – for you! I promise you that when it happens, you won’t ever want to go back. You’ll never settle again. You’ll finally understand for yourself like no book could ever tell you. That this is not now and never was about how small we are. That this is and always has been about how great Trinity’s boundless Love for us will forever be!

    Amen?

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  • Where Are You?

    What you think you have to do? What is going to occur to you?

    Leave thinking that Love has not accepted you.

    Cleave to what Love showed us: no matter how much we can throw at Love, no matter how many punches, no matter how many thorns, no matter how many rips of the whip, no matter how many nails, or how many swords, no matter if we all turn our backs away – Love does not retaliate against us. Love is not the least bit intimidated by our blindness, deafness, and hardness of hearts.

    Love is not even offended. As Love needs no validation from us for an ego.

    Since Love is complete and perfect, there is nothing Love needs from us.

    So vast are the beautiful mysteries that scientists still have universes of questions after how many millennia? The more we know, the more discoveries remain. Is this Love in need of anything from us?

    If you haven’t noticed yet, this world doesn’t revolve around us. I’m also sometimes guilty, but thinking so is a maniacal level of insane audacity. To think Love depends on us. When we are dependent on every breath of air to even have time to consider such a statement. We do not manufacture much in our existence. All the factors alone to sustain our physical survival.

    Endless majestic sunrises and sunsets just for the hell of it? Dogs and cats that make us constantly laugh. Birds that can mimic us. Foliage and other natural theatrics that can arrest our senses. Just for the hell of it?

    Or is our environment constantly calling to us? To believe. To see. How beautiful Love is for us!

    And yet we dismiss it.

    Love is the final Word on the subject. The complete Word.

    Do we let the stories define who Love is? Or do we let Love define the stories? What lens are we reading through? I believe if we are reading any story through anything other than how Love showed up for us, then we are missing the point. I say that lovingly as I spent the large majority of my life in that space.

    Do we start with Love, perfect Love, – and that we are very good?

    Or do we insist on basing our story on fear?

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  • Wages Within

    I have always been on a journey, but I experienced the most powerful awakening of my life a few years back. I wrote about it in my first book. But the awakening itself was just a crumb of the meal that awaited me thereafter. And the easiest part. By far. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. I know all about that. Night after night.

    It amuses me now when people say that I am telling people they can do anything they want. As if that is going to let people get off without any consequences. Let me tell you, complete freedom has been the most challenging thing I have EVER wrestled with! The enormity of it is quite frankly almost debilitating. At least coming from how I spent all the formative decades of my life.

    Literally my entire identity has been stripped. Even my purpose for being. Life was so easy when I had rules. So simple. For the most part. I could put people in boxes. I could lean towards making quick judgements. Not anymore! Not at all! Now I don’t even know who I am. And I don’t know who everyone else is.

    Devastating. And yet the most beautiful experience at the same time. At least this road only leads to increased well-being and peace. Endless peace. But, the hell. So much hell. In the way there. So much. Basically everything I thought I knew, everything I did, everything. Absolutely overwhelming almost all the time.

    I’m the kind that wants to face it, all things considered. I’d rather have the truth. Even if it feels like it will nearly kill me. But I’d rather that than lies. So I’m happy to be here. Even with all the pain and my shattered heart. But I understand now why everything we’ve ever known isn’t stripped away all at once. It would be too much.

    I can’t say I’m pleased with where I am in the process. Intellectually I imagine all this is necessary and there will be a time that I can appreciate it more. And feel more hopeful. But right now, I have been in the thick of it for some time and it feels more like falling than flying.

    I have been feeling in this way for much longer than I ever anticipated. I thought this was simply an intellectual change. But no, it has impacted what feels like every cell in my body and every molecule in my experience of the universe. Absolutely overwhelming.

    I keep wanting to arrive. To get a break. To rest on some island to recharge. As I feel like I’ve been traversing an incredibly vast ocean of what feels like constant changes.

    That’s the crux of it. Breaking down every little thing I didn’t even realize I had been trading for truth and real life. I thought I had an identity and a personality. How do you go forward completely new? In a world where people expect you to play certain parts that now feel so foreign to you.

    I feel stuck in the inbetween. Yet, I believe Love’s heart for me.

    I truly believe my healing is available for me. I should say the next iteration of healing. As the layers are so deep. And the Surgeon so precise.

    I need to stop. I need to surrender my agenda. All those things I wanted. And thought I needed. Not that I have to lie to myself like before. I now know Love welcomes my honesty. And I have been so angry, so frustrated, so sad, so full of desire for relief. For some semblance of comfort. There are moments, but they seem like just enough to get me going again. So I guess there is more to this journey. More to see. More to be.

    I am totally at peace with acknowledging that I feel like I know less than I ever thought I did before. So ironic. The awakening where I lost all that I thought everything was happened at the height of my pursuit for control – when I was obsessed with graduating with a 4.0 GPA in college. I put so much pressure on myself to reach that milestone. And I laugh at it now. So ridiculous. An achievement, sure. But how I wish I had all the other answers to what seems to matter so much more.

    And I’m not even sure that’s the point anymore. For all my studying I pretty much didn’t get it; I see people who seem to not give these things a second thought – I see them really living.

    I hope my audacity will be channeled to spreading what I now consider to be much better. I meant well, but I was so wrong. That is hell. That is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Realizing that you hurt people that you thought you were loving. Realizing that you may not have the time and/or opportunity to ever make things right with people you loved and hurt. Realizing the years that were stolen from you by this dogma that was preached at you from before you ever breathed oxygen outside the womb. That is pain. That is hell that continues to burn. Those flames seemingly insidiously get hotter the more clarity you allow yourself to see. Realizing you can’t go back, that you have to live with the choices you made in your ignorance – that is HELL.

    And yet only still for my healing. This pain turns me around. It helps me make decisions. All of it. Hopefully for better tomorrows. It hurts to hope for healed relationships day after day. I wrestle with how much of that my heart and health in many respects can endure. But even if I must move on without them, I can choose differently with the new people I meet.

    How much of this is me? Is us? Is you? What if there is no master plan? Sometimes I miss the days where I was so damn black and white. There was an immature sincerity that was much more digestible in that severe simplicity.

    This is what fear does to you. To me. To us. It calls for a base survival brain. Versus the truth of the galaxy of amazing and terrifying possibilities that I so flippantly previously did not have reason to entertain.

    So yeah, tread lightly my friend. This freedom business certainly feels like handing a pistol to a toddler. I can’t do it on my own. And of course, that’s the point all along. Relationship. Realizing I was and am never alone. Realizing Love is always there. Holding me as I struggle to take whatever is the next step. Overjoyed at even my wrestling. At all the tries I mistake as failure. Cheering me on. Even when I get frustrated and express myself accordingly.

    Beauty is such a fantastic responsibility. I feel so honored and humbled at the same time. Feeling so loved and scared out of my mind.

    I would have to say I remain in a state of awe. We are the holy ground; each other. I am Love to you and likewise. How can I possibly do that on my own? I can’t; that much is obvious by the current state of distress many of us sense as what feels like collectively we act as if we are disconnected from Love.

    I am NOT advocating a return to what killed us before. That was toxic. But Good still remains. Yes, please, we will have some more. Much more. Please, Love, get us all through this. To the other side. To whatever is next. To what is better than what we try to do without Love.

    I need to ask more. Ask where I am stuck. Ask what the healing is. Listen. And look for Love. Ask to see. Ask to hear.

    I am welcome. I do not have to do anything on my own. It doesn’t have to depend on me.

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  • Rejection

    We tend to think of rejection as someone telling us that we are not enough. But I think many times the opposite is true. Many times rejection is actually the other person telling us that they are not “enough”.

    They see the power and life in us. The Love and so much more. Our presence alone even challenges them. They don’t want to face themselves. They aren’t ready to level up. They are scared of the work.

    We tell them it’s ok, that shame isn’t even on the table. But they don’t believe us. We don’t see that deep down they judge themselves more harshly than we ever could.

    They want what we have. Otherwise they never would have been attracted to us in the first place. But they can’t yet see the Way. They focus on the wrong things.

    Their jealousy festers. Challenging them to choose differently. To grow. But no, most instead settle for, and I do mean settle for, the crumbs of stabbing us in the back.  Just to see the sadness on our face. Just to see us mad. Hoping we’ll lose it. That we’ll fall down and join them. Again.

    Their loss. Not ours. And they know that more than we do.

    We want the person we know they can be. We keep fighting for them in that regard. But they think they want the person in us who will let them be. Literally. They think they want to bring us down to a place where we won’t challenge them anymore. Where they’ll feel superior again. Where they can help us navigate the darkness again. Company for comfort. They think that’s what they want.

    Testing us. Desperation. Wanting to know if we’re really real. If we’ll give up and join them. Or if the Love in us is enough. If Love in us really stands up. If we’ll move on and not close up. Light in us still shining BIG. For all to see. In spite of. Real Life; not just the theatrical show many sing and dance for.

    Rejection is sometimes, maybe many times, actually a bigger compliment than the half-hearted placations of peers. Sometimes those who reject you are your biggest fans.

    Refocus. Ask for wisdom.

    Maybe the greatest, healthiest thing you can do for them, for the people you love that hurt you, is to move on. Show them. Let them watch. As you fully embrace the beauty of broken humanity. Proving that our value is not found in perfect performance. That we don’t have to get it right before we start living. That it’s ok not to be ok.

    Walking away. Making them want more.

    But be careful. This kind of jealousy can turn dangerous. Listen the first time when they disrespect you. When they tell you they don’t want to participate anymore. We were told about this long ago. They will trample you if you insist. If you won’t walk away. If you stay and won’t let them have their way. Don’t end up on the news. But be smart about leaving – this isn’t a game for them.

    And then Love them by putting them in the hands and heart of the only Someone who already proved They are big enough to handle any rage, the biggest temper tantrums thrown Their way. Hand them over to the hell they choose. For their ultimate healing. So that their lies will be burned away.

    And then hopefully we’ll rejoice in seeing them free one day. On this side. In their right minds. Without any interference needed from us. Was Love enough for you? Then let Love be enough for them. You are trying to help, but you might be in the way. Delaying what you want. Let them go. Let them be. Is your trust in your strength?

    Don’t be intimidated. Don’t play small with good intentions. You step up. Or maybe better yet, step In.

    We are no better. Special, but not exceptional. In the sense that all need healing in their own ways.

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  • Back

    Is every roadblock a lesson? What if every roadblock isn’t a closed door? Isn’t a “sign”? What if they are for my growth? What if I’m supposed to be learning how to jump over or go around them? Versus stopping and going backwards.

    What if it really is up to us? What if there is so much more NOW? Not just later.

    What if I only get more when I use up what I already have? Not throw away. Not waste. But put to use. Even for myself.

    Love gives me wings. Love says, “Let’s go forward.”

    What if the world is waiting for us to wake up? To step into so much that we have neglected to see. That we have been scared to be.

    What if we really are that free?

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  • For Jonathan

    You are not a dog

    waiting for crumbs

    outside of the master’s gate.