What on earth would ever lead me to believe that God, my Father, would provide for me? What example could I possibly look to for any hope in that respect?
No wonder I picture a god lounging up in heaven, kicked back, eating grapes. Unbothered by any wrath his negligence may have me walking through. Doling out blessings to others, but not to me. Whoever will pay him lip service.
I was never the kind to suck dick or kiss ass in order to get something. At least I can say that. But more importantly, that also goes back to God. I find myself feeling resentful. Real talk. Not wanting to approach. Dreading that there will be something I’ll have to do to get whatever He has to give me. Also learned that from others.
So I hang back. Dreading. Fear. This fucked up theology from the popularized “church”. Just like they told the people of old. That bad things will happen to you if you don’t “follow god”. And then if you take that as seriously as it implies, you spend all your damn time on edge. Checking, double-checking. Testing. Worried. What if you missed something?
Was that Job’s mentality? Is that the point of that story? The real beginning of the Bible? That if we just get the formula right, then we’re good, right? Then god will open up his coffers and we can actually enjoy life?
I look to the people that still attend the church I used to go to. I don’t see them enjoying life at all. Most of the examples I can think of. There is this dread and fear hanging over them. I used to be there. This shell of a person. So focused on every thought and behavior. So “sin”-conscious. Completely consumed.
We used watered-down words like “discernment” or “testing the spirits”. But it was all based on fear. Power and control. Of life, situations, and even God.
And let me be clear, this was taught from the very top. Prolifically. Obsessed.
Ridiculous. But I was there also. And I understand how it happens.
But hey, why don’t you start telling me about Jesus? Maybe teach me about Jesus? Maybe you could fathom a universe where God could be bigger than my weaknesses, my failures, and the shitty examples that filtered down into me before I even had a chance to think for myself?
Oh, but that’s right – you had shitty examples too. No wonder my healing journey led me to them. As long as I wanted to play that game.
What if this whole time Spirit has been driving me to the point where I can say no to God without fear? What if that has been the real point all this time? All these years? Decades.
What if the whole point of all of this has been to get me to the point where I feel confident and comfortable with deciding what I want to do and going forward without fear? Knowing that either way, I am fully Loved and I will always be fully Loved. Knowing that God is happy with me. That God wants to see me create.
What if you had grown adult children that came back to you every five minutes to ask for your approval on every decision they made? Think about how that would look practically?
“Dad, should I pick the blue color or the black color? Dad, should I eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Dad, are you going to be mad at me if I choose to listen to this over that?”
Can you imagine? Your adult child would have to be calling you every other second. Would you get tired of it? What would you tell them?
Maybe, “I love you, child. I will always love you. I am more interested in seeing what you want. I want you to be free to create the life you want. I trust you. I’m here to help you if anything doesn’t work out. And even when it does. But, go; feel free. You have my blessing.”
When ego isn’t driving.
So, I finally stopped. I took a big risk. Monumental. I told God “no”. And I told God exactly what I wanted. And I am going for what I want. Now without fear. Now confident that God fully Loves me no matter what. Free to finally enjoy this life.
I woke up from a dream where I was the fourth person in the front of a pickup truck driving down a road. My grandmother was to my right and my grandfather was to her right. He was being snappy and not in a good mood. Bringing down the vibe. So I asked him in front of everyone, “Grandpa, why are you being so cantankerous?” My grandma laughed out loud; kinda impressed that I’d dare to call him out. In front of everyone.
But before he could answer, I said, “I know why you are being cantankerous. I can tell you, but it is sad. Do you want me to tell you?”
They wanted to know. So I said through even tears at the end, “You are grieving. The whole world is grieving right now. The loss of a world and a life we thought we knew. The loss of a story we thought we were living. It is not there anymore. It is gone. And we are all grieving.”
Then I woke up.
I think it is true. I think collectively we are all thiiiiiiiis close to the edge. It’s pretty amazing if you think about the potential and how actually well we’ve been doing in not completely losing it. Some people yes, but I think the majority get up every morning and make a conscious decision to keep going, give it what they’ve got, and not give up. Most likely for the love they have for at least one someone. Even if it is “just” a pet that would miss them.
I think that’s incredibly honorable. I think that speaks a lot on the potential and good that still remains. If only we’d wake up. And stop consuming what is killing us.
But even then, I’ve come to the conclusion that this human experience must not be the pinnacle to cling to.
Hear me out.
I have to briefly go back to 2017 when I learned two things.
One, that Holy Spirit was referred to using feminine words in the Bible. Nobody ever told me that in over 30 years!! Sitting in pews, listening to preachers, year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day. Not one! Not one pastor ever talked about the significance of the Holy Spirit being referred to with feminine words. It wasn’t until I heard William Paul Young talk about it that my eyes started to open. The ramifications we’re huge and many.
The second thing I learned is that in many ancient manuscripts, the words translated “who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” are not included in what we label as Romans 8:1. That was huge to me because that particular sentence was a big part of my journey.
So how could You let there be imperfect teachers and imperfect translations, God? How could You expect anyone to get it right when You haven’t provided a perfect manual? Because You could; You could provide a perfect manual. You could write it on even the sky for us all to see. Somehow, some way You could do it. But You don’t, so what gives?
Maybe a perfect translation isn’t the point. Maybe getting it right isn’t the point.
Maybe relationship is the point. Maybe the questions remain specifically so that they will draw us to The Real Answer? For our hearts, souls, and spirits. Not just our minds.
So back to grieving and this human experience. I have started to look at it with similar logic. God could have Created an experience where there is no death. Where nothing dies. But Trinity didn’t do that. So that leaves me to believe that this human experience is not something to cling to.
The more I learn about God, the more I see that Trinity puts pictures all around us. I think to help and comfort us.
So I wonder, maybe this human experience, where we are so spiritually blind and deaf, I wonder if it can be compared to the experience of developing in the womb?
The baby in the womb hasn’t known anything else. Has no real knowledge of real life outside the womb except for hearing some sounds that make it through the barrier kinda muffled. How is that any different than us now? We think this little floating rock in outer space is everything. All we’ve known. But yet most have experienced some interaction with Something outside of what we can see and quantify.
I wonder if the baby thinks it is dying when it is being pushed out of the only home it has ever known? Is that also a picture for us? We think that when we leave this earth, we call it an end. But what if this human experience is just a beginning like the nine months a developing child is in the womb?
The baby is usually born into a room with lots of bright lights that they have never seen before. Shocking. Is that also a picture for us? How many times have you heard someone with a near-death experience say that they saw “the light” when they started to go over to the other side?
What comforts me? A baby can’t even conceptualize the enormity of all the possibilities that await it outside the womb. The existence inside was so dark and limited. Maybe, hopefully the same awaits us. When we can finally know as we are known. Maybe that’s why nobody comes back for good. Because real life is on the other side. And it is so much better.
So although I can appreciate this human experience, I no longer cling to it. I know longer take it so seriously. I only want to enjoy as much of it as possible. I only want to get out of it as much as I’m supposed to get. And give as much as I can give while I am here to do that.
But I no longer worship this experience as if it is the main thing. Or even the last chance.
And then this grieving business. I am comforted personally by picturing a baby again. How at some point it starts to outgrow the womb. The time comes where it needs more. And so with us here on this earth. We call people old souls. Maybe that is truer than not. Maybe we reach a point where we’ve fully developed in this world. Where we’ve outgrown this experience. Where our hearts LONG to be on the other side. Where we really belong. And so then at some point we get pushed out of this experience and into the next.
I only cry for those of us who are left behind in the sense of being temporarily unable to interact in the physical the same way we used to with those we love and miss.
And my hope is that all is for healing. Even the loss of what we are grieving. Maybe like the seasons and like the sun, darkness reveals a new day. Maybe some of the things we held onto needed to go to make room for a better story. I’m not talking specifically about people, but maybe them also in some cases.
We can generalize and ask to see what good is coming out of this collectively. Please do that, is my recommendation. But even more importantly, what about for each of us personally? I can’t answer that barely even for myself; so for sure no one else. But ask. I encourage you to ask Spirit for some clarity. Some comfort in the midst of all of this. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.
This is a Father who feeds His children. Who doesn’t do abandonment. Who never gives a slap when approached for a hug. Who isn’t too busy for you.
Is every roadblock a lesson? What if every roadblock isn’t a closed door? Isn’t a “sign”? What if they are for my growth? What if I’m supposed to be learning how to jump over or go around them? Versus stopping and going backwards.
What if it really is up to us? What if there is so much more NOW? Not just later.
What if I only get more when I use up what I already have? Not throw away. Not waste. But put to use. Even for myself.
Love gives me wings. Love says, “Let’s go forward.”
What if the world is waiting for us to wake up? To step into so much that we have neglected to see. That we have been scared to be.