Either way.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking about you. For hoping you’ll come back to life. That God could use us to help bring real hope to the world in a big way. To give them a love story to believe in.

I think maybe I just made it all up. Maybe I just read too much into everything.

But God specializes in the impossible. Supposedly.

Were those real stories with real miracles? I think so. At least some of them weren’t just allegories, right Lord?

Could it really be true for us?

I always wanted to go out like Enoch.

Or live like the story I heard of George Mueller when the kids were fed when there wasn’t any food.

God could still do that for us now.

If David stopped to think it through, killing Goliath in his own strength was ridiculous.

Same with the guys in the fiery furnace. How could they say You would deliver them if they really thought it through?

I mean theoretically, sure. But I think You are more than a theoretical God.

Jonah never should have been spit up from the whale.

The Israelites never should have crossed the Red Sea on dry land and avoided Pharaoh’s army.

You never should have been raised from the dead, Jesus.

I think You are real. I think those things happened. I don’t know how, but I think they really happened.

So I think You can also do anything now. Nothing is too hard for you. Not even putting two hearts back together.

Were they ever really together in the first place? Sometimes I think maybe you were running away the whole time. But then why would you tell me we could get married if I lost weight?

What if that quantum shit is real? What if I lose the weight and you really are able to get back?

I don’t think you wanted to face what happened. How it happened.

But you could come back renewed. Brand new. With clear sight and hearing. To tell us even more than I suspect, I’m sure.

I’ll have to be okay with it either way. But what if?

I think we had something. I don’t think it was just me. I think you enjoyed me.

I think you fell back into the flesh. “Reality” as you called it.

I don’t want to do that. If there is a chance, I want it. Please, God.

In the meantime, maybe there is no right or wrong. Either it will be God or it won’t. Because I can’t do it in my strength. That I know for sure.

So I’ll just work on trying to figure out what I want and how to add happiness to my life. How to take responsibility for my happiness. Deciding what stays, what goes, and what gets added in.

That wasn’t you as you were. So that won’t be you going forward. Dead or alive.

But you could change. God could do that. And bring you back to life.

But if God doesn’t then I am moving on.

I can’t believe that is the end. I can’t believe all of that was just for the story to end like that. I don’t like that ending. At all. I hope there is still hope.

But if that really is how things are going to end with you, with Calvary Chapel, with San Antonio and all the people I wanted to love here, then I guess so be it.

But I’m still not going to lay down and give up. There has to still be more left in this life for me. I want it all.

But I can’t do it without You, God. At all. You are my only hope, God.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Booty Luv – Boogie 2nite (Seamus Haji Big Love Edit) [2006]
  2. Caskey – An Artist’s Artist
  3. Caskey – Holding On To A Gun
  4. Cathy Lemons – You’re in My Town Now
  5. CAZZETTE ft. Terri B! – Blind Heart
  6. Led Zeppelin Vs. Gramatik – Stairway To Hip-Hop Heaven
  7. Luther Vandross – Never Too Much
  8. Manic Focus – Rooster
  9. Marvel Years – Bigger Than We Feel
  10. Sons of Legion – Brand New Day

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. A quick and easy light dinner!
  2. Before and after moving to Germany
  3. Fresh Fruit Food Feeder Grinding Stick Baby Nibble
  4. “I’m like the bisexuality of ability.” Tina Friml
  5. Mothers Day Dark Origin Story
  6. That’s one way to parallel park
  7. They went straight up
  8. This hill climb
  9. This strength is extraordinary
  10. “We should stop calling all of weed ‘weed.’”


Except for you.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

I was so disappointed. I was writing both books. And the second book was the doozy. Was the real feat. The one that took me years, decades.

And she was encouraging me, but she won’t read it. I was really angry, sad, frustrated, and disappointed by that. Makes me want to scream.

But I know what it is. She doesn’t want to see herself in the book. And she doesn’t want to lay down her own victim card if she has to read about things that were worse that happened to me.

Have they read it? I sometimes wonder.

Did they feel any remorse? Probably anger first.

Probably started to write their side of the story. And then in doing so realized how wrong they were.

Go to therapy? Intense treatment?

Maybe they’ll apologize someday. But I don’t even want to go there. Because then that’s me feeling sorry for them when it should be the other way around. They should be wanting to truly help me. Not their bullshit attempts at control.

But people don’t seem to change. It would be cool if they did. Not that I’d ever want to see them in person again. But it would be nice if they truly changed.

Some nuts are harder to crack. They knows better. But they won’t do better. Their heart is stone cold. Seems like.

They know. How could they not?

And to not say anything to me? What the fuck is that about?

I want to write more. I need to. There is so much.

And they have their own, to be sure.


Murder? To be with others.

Who knew? Who suspected? Is that why they are “sick” all the time? Because of their secrets?

Maybe they also experienced the same and didn’t want to admit they’d waited so long just to marry into what they were trying to escape?

I’m really unhappy with others. At least some tried. But they won’t see me all the way through. Just more that want to stick their head in the sand. The tradition.

Except for me.

And I thought except for you, J. Not everything, but you were like me – the truth teller. The person calling people out on their bullshit.

Not for the sake of. L does it for the sake of. She is mean in doing it.

But no, you wanted healing. I know you did. Fully confident of that.

But people didn’t listen to you like they didn’t listen to me. I thought we had that shared experience and were helping each other walk through that.

All for what? For nothing? Just to go down in an ugly flame? Just for you to die without us ever resolving things?

That makes me feel so sad to think that is the end of our story. I hope not.

How am I supposed to ever move on and try again after you? I don’t even want to.

I tell myself to do it. I try to be all nonchalant about the seven billion other people in the world. But I don’t want them. I want you. I’m not even thinking of them. I’m thinking of you. I’ve been thinking of you.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. 2 Chainz – Can’t Go For That
  2. Al-D*300 ft. Lil Keke & Big Pokey – Silver & Gold
  3. Caskey – From The Bleacher To The Field
  4. Caskey – Onlyfans
  7. King Kyle Lee – Let Me Know
  8. LaRussell, Julia Lewis – B*tch I’m Me (Live at The Pergola)
  9. Propain, Sauce Walka, Z-Ro – H-Town (Remix)
  10. Young Dolph, Snupe Bandz ft. PaperRoute Woo – South Memphis Rugrats (Remix)

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. He was just trying to help
  2. It’s about the progress
  3. She’s in her 70’s and doing THIS
  4. The craziest yo-yo skills
  5. This is a core memory
  6. This just makes NO sense
  8. This was way too entertaining
  9. Too smooth
  10. W coaches
  11. Yes he was okay!

Mural around South Alamo Street and Lavaca Street in San Antonio.

Calvo Murals.

My heart didn’t get it.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

Please, God; help me do this if it is best for us.

It’s seven days before your birthday. I still remember. And we haven’t hung out in over four years. Except for one time this year when I needed medical help. And you agreed to meet with me. Thank you for that.

But I feel so stupid for still thinking of you. Every damn day. Multiple times a day. How is that possible?

I try to move on. I try to tell my mind that you are gone. But my heart doesn’t get it. My heart won’t let go. My heart is still hanging on.

I feel so foolish. Like I am addicted to you. Is it even healthy? Was my self-esteem so low that the first bit of kindness anyone showed me made me latch on for life?

Or is there something more? Is God behind this? I’ve moved on from other people. I miss them, but I don’t think about them multiple times a day after not hanging out with them for over five years.

I can’t go on. It’s like my life is on hold until this is resolved. You’d think I’d have closure now.

That’s why I keep wondering if it is God. Because you weren’t my first choice and I wasn’t your first choice. In the words of B, who brought us together and tore us apart, I’m not your type. So why?

We never should have been hanging out in the first place. If we’re going to look at things from the perspective of “reality”. So many opposites. Never ran in the same circles. You care about appearances; I could care less. You like foreign cars and I prefer domestic trucks. You sat almost at the very back of the church while I sat on the front row. For God’s sake, I love rap and you prefer opera.

I still remember us driving on some random backwoods road like we always did. And you said your favorite music was opera. I about died. I pretty much like all kinds of music – except opera and death metal. Why did opera have to be your favorite music? Would God give me a man as my husband who preferred opera music? Such a silly thing, I suppose. But big to me. I love, love, love rap music. How am I going to be married to someone who doesn’t enjoy rap music? Not to mention I like cumbias, electronic dance music, and many other genres. I always pictured myself driving down the road being able to enjoy music with my better half. Being able to talk about it and share the enjoyment of finding new tracks together. Opera? Really, Lord? Opera?

There were so many things. I remember the time I told you to “tell me something good”. After the song of course. I used to do that with one of my exes. But you reacted very negatively. You didn’t want to talk about anything positive. I think you called it “happy shit”. Something like that. You wouldn’t tell me anything good in that moment. I don’t think I ever asked you again.

I thought you were here for J, honestly. She seemed to be able to handle you. Buck up with no problems, unlike me. You seemed to respect her way more than you respected me. You told me you’d make any woman you married sign a prenuptial agreement – except her. I thought that was so odd. Why her of all people? You didn’t really seem to talk about her. But she is a bright redhead and you told me you liked redheads.

Did you ever think of being with her? I remember someone in the church wanting to set you up with her, I believe. I wonder if she dodged a bullet or you two will still end up together in the future.

I remember when we were at the dam over by my apartments on Blanco Road. Where we parked illegally – that bothered me. Didn’t seem to bother you. And we walked along the dam and you told me that you could kill me and get rid of my body in such a way that nobody would ever find me. Not exactly the kind of language I was looking for. Never mind sparking any romantic feelings in me.

I was scared of you when you said that. People generally know not to say things like that. I stuck around because I felt like people probably think those things even if they never say them out loud.

But I didn’t feel safe with you. For a long time.

That’s why I couldn’t lose the weight. My body wouldn’t let me. It knew better than my heart. It knew I was scared.

I wanted to lose the weight for you. I was trying. But my fears kept me from relaxing enough.

I wanted to be my husband’s first choice. With you I felt like I was your last choice.

You told me we could get married if I lost weight.

One time you told me you loved me. Another time you told me I was your best friend.

I still remember the time when we had plans and you called to change them. I was disappointed and I thought it was a shitty thing to ditch me for other people. But I gave that to God because I knew you would feel trapped if I tried to tell you how I was feeling.

To my surprise, you called me a back after an hour or so and asked me to hang out. I think I questioned what happened to the plans you made after you cancelled with me. I think you said something like you’d rather hang out with me. But you mentioned feeling so “codependent”.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Cedric Gervais – The Duty
  2. George Strait – Amarillo By Morning
  3. Lucidbeatz – love
  4. Russ – Blow The Whistle
  5. Russ – Buckle Up Freestyle
  6. Russ – Easy
  7. Russ – Perfectionist
  8. Russ – Reflection
  9. Russ – Wicked Race
  10. Tracy Lawrence – Sticks And Stones

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. Challenging your dog
  2. Does This Pole Actually Crack Your Back?
  3. Don’t Save Your Money
  4. I Worked at a PRISON?!
  5. Joe Rogan on Why Being Vegan is Stupid
  6. “People with Higher GPA’s…”
  7. The grace we give when people are in pain or grieving is so important!
  8. Theo Von and Rainn Wilson get DEEP in the feels
  9. This is what hard feels like. | Alex Hormozi
  10. You weren’t in their way. They were in yours.

Port Aransas, Texas.


I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

I didn’t even last twenty-four hours. Already I was looking for jobs and places to live. Drove all the way down to McAllen to look at a place. Thought I’d start over there. Forget about dreams. Forget about raising people from the dead. Forget about San Antonio and Austin and Belton and all the people I miss and love. Just start over. Change my number, don’t tell anyone where I’m going. And just start over.

But it was a shit show from the jump. A neighbor blaring music, roosters crowing, big dogs nonstop barking. Then the owner didn’t even come out for about ten to fifteen minutes. Then the house was a dump. What should I expect for $450 a month? The funniest thing was that the “internet” was a literal Ethernet cable stretched across the yard. On the ground. From one house to the next. Now that is some shit.

I turned it down.

I already knew what was going to happen if I tried to drive Lyft down there. Sure as shit, exactly as I predicted. First person had a kid and wanted to argue with me because I wouldn’t take the kid without a car seat. I knew right then. I had to turn around and go back to San Antonio. That I was “wrong” for coming down to McAllen. Giving into fear again.

Like I have for the past over four years. So disappointed in myself. I hope God isn’t disappointed in me. Is only mad FOR me. To get this show on the road.

But maybe it needed to get to this point. Maybe like Jesus needed to be actually murdered. In order to prove the point. For people to get it. Even as much as they have.

I listened to David Marquez’ worship music on the drive back for over an hour. His Friday and Sunday night music. I felt my spirit get calm. Less in a panic. Went to send him an email to let him know.

Thought about him going to my website. So I listened to some of my videos on YouTube. To see what he would run across if he went there. And I ended up getting encouraged by my monuments I left. That was the whole purpose of the “altars”, right?

I mentioned a sermon by John MacArthur on Matthew 17. I have for some time now mean to find and re-listen to that. So what better time than on the drive back to San Antonio? I wasn’t sure I found it at first. But then yes, as I started to listen I started to remember bits he said.

But I had forgotten his point. I was worried it was the same ol, same ol condemnation from the old way. But no, it applied perfectly to what I am going through right now.

Basically John was saying that God doesn’t answer our prayers as quickly as He used to because He is doing something bigger. And most people tap out at a certain point. But if we go to God and ask for help to get through it, He can get us to the other side. So we don’t have to tap out. And frankly that’s the only way it’s going to happen. And we’re going to get opportunity after opportunity until we master it.

I’m not trying to drag this shit out any longer than I already have. So I am going to finish this book. I want to.

Nothing has been working out these four years of me trying to do things “logically”.

This sounds crazy, but I actually tell myself: well, if I’m wrong about writing a book that includes talk about raising people form the dead, if I’m wrong and nothing happens, then I can always kill myself. I wish you could hear my heart when I say that. I am laughing when I say it. Obviously I don’t want to kill myself. And if it gets to that point, I won’t kill myself. Instead I’ll do what I have done lately – just say fuck it and do whatever I want to do in this life since I have nothing left to lose.

But having the option there just takes all the fear about going for something so huge. I have nobody anyway. Might was well risk it now. Best time. Nobody to answer to really. Except ones that have already given their blessing.

Wouldn’t it be cool if we could raise G’s E? Now THAT would cause her family to believe! I pray for that, God. I know You can do it.

I pray also for S to be raised from the dead. Along with so many others.

And of course my J.

You told the disciples that they could raise people from the dead.
Then you told them nothing was impossible for them.
Then You said we’d do greater things.
And Peter raised a woman from the dead.

So I hope You will raise J and E and S from the dead. Or help me do it if I can do it.

But I know the key is prayer. Just to keep coming to You and talking to You about it. And you’ll lead me step by step to wherever I need to be. People raised from the dead or not.

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. Alok & Steve Aoki – 2 Much 2 Handle
  2. Andrey Kravtsov – Leave Me Alone
  3. Armin van Buuren & Matoma ft. Teddy Swims – Easy To Love
  4. CRÈME & Silent Child – Bang Bang
  5. Ed Sheeran – Stoned
  6. Housenick – I Still Want More
  7. Iggy Azalea – Spend It
  8. LaRussell, Hokage Simon – N**** Medley (Live in Las Vegas)
  9. Led Zeppelin – The Ocean
  10. Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson – Mammas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. But You Need A Real Man
  2. Can you relate to this?
  3. Did TB Cause World War I?
  4. Ep.37 Moon Landing Faked or Legit??
  5. If you don’t feel like doing something, remember these. | Alex Hormozi
  6. If You Hate Elon Musk Watch This Video
  7. Run Faster By Doing This
  8. Such a gentleman
  9. The BEST Restaurant HACK For Tomatoes
  10. This Truck Driver is a Genius

Port Aransas, Texas.

Bring you back.

I am posting a lot of my writings. They are in no particular order for now. Most of this is very old and from a long time ago.

I thought God would give you back to me. I was waiting for December 19th. Maybe 2021 would be the year. That you’d wake up, realize what was going on, and feel free to come back to me.

I felt numb when I found out you had died. I thought I would feel something, but it was just disbelief. Like this can’t be happening. You can’t be dead.

I thought God didn’t even tell me you had died. I was crying about that to Him on the drive to see your grave for the first time. The day after I found out.

But I felt like God told me that Trinity didn’t tell me you had died because you are still alive. Just somewhere else. That was comforting. But also frustrating.

I didn’t initially think God could raise you from the dead. I’m not sure now how that came about. But I remember the last time we all talked in person together. You, T, J and I at Incarnate Word. And I remember the last thing T said that made me walk away from ya’ll. When he was talking about how if we had enough faith, basically, then we could raise people from the dead. That was the last thing he said.

And I got so mad at that at the time. Because I had a feeling that wasn’t true. That I didn’t deserve feeling guilty for not raising people from the dead. But that was the last thing he said. The last time I saw either of you in person before meeting you at your friend’s shop last year.

Could it be true? Could God raise you from the dead? Yes, of course.

But can I raise you from the dead? I don’t have a clue how. I’d be scared to see that happen if it was like in the movies.

But when I was reading Acts 5 yesterday, the apostles were transported out of the prison by an angel of the Lord opening the doors. So God could do that with you still. He could have an angel of the Lord get you out of the grave so I don’t have to see that.

I wouldn’t want to let you go. I’d want to grab you and hold onto you forever. Follow you everywhere. I wouldn’t want to ever lose you again.

Would you care? Would you ever want me like that? Like I wanted you?

If God can raise you from the dead then God can do the more difficult task – give you real love for me. Help you see me like no one else has seen me. I hope you’ll want me, too.

But if that doesn’t happen, if those are just dreams, helping me take one more step. Then I guess that’s what it is. But I’m almost done. Almost reached my limit.

The other day I stopped at the Buc-ee’s in Temple and I just cried and cried and cried. I had gone up there to look for housing. To do some Lyft. And nothing. Not one trip. It was so frustrating. Like no matter how much I try, nothing seems to work out.

I know you felt that way too many times. That you were sick of living that life. That’s why I was so scared that you had killed yourself. I just didn’t want that for you. I hope you didn’t. I hope you didn’t crash into the highway wall on purpose and kill yourself that way. I hope it was really like T said  – that something happened to your heart.

I’m sure you were stressed. With your dad passing. Being in that house every day. Seeing your mom with her loss. Seeing how everyone was dealing with it. Or not.

I wish I could have been there for you. I wish we could have taken a drive, lots of drive, and I could have listened to whatever you wanted to tell me. Your thoughts and feelings. I loved being there for you like that. Did you ever notice? Did you take me for granted?

Did I take you for granted? I always thought you’d be here. That there would always be another drive.

Lord, I need him back. Like you did for the people with Dorca and with Lazarus, can you bring my J back? The one who loved me?

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

  1. EMT LA x Swifty Blue – Hood Baby
  2. Five Fingers of Funk – ‘Til The Night Is Through
  3. Five Fingers of Funk – Without No Doubt
  4. Gramatik – No Place Like NYC
  5. grandson – Enough
  6. grandson – Heather
  7. grandson – I Love You, I’m Trying
  8. grandson ft. Wafia – I Will Be Here When You’re Ready To Wake Up
  9. grandson – Stuck Here With Me
  10. Rasheeda – Marry Me

Other content I’ve consumed.

  1. A Scary Flash Flood Going Through a Public Road
  2. An Unexpected Love
  3. Believe Me: The Abduction of Lisa McVey
  4. Do I have any tips to increase profits for a laundromat?
  5. Huge landslide observed in India
  6. Is EXTRA insulation STUPID? – The Truth About Diminishing Returns
  7. NO…There will NOT be a massive housing market crash
  8. The Easiest Way To Destroy Your Business
  9. Why Every Business Owner Needs a YouTube Channel!
  10. You Can’t Save Your Way to Millions…

Port Aransas, Texas.