Sarah Nyhan

Just know that I understand that there are multiple things going on at the same time. Layers to this shit.

So when I say people have failed me, that’s just part of the story. I understand more is going on than just the surface-level shit.

In a way, I gotta really thank many people for leaving me alone. I’m no Jesus, but Judas played the part he was expected to play. And so do others in our lives. 

I wasn’t strong enough to fight for myself. I didn’t have near the ego needed to stand up for myself in almost any respect. Only when it came to God and other people not getting hurt. Especially kids. 

So they needed to leave me. Because I never would have removed myself.

We are given these stories to watch. On television. In the movies. Where the happy ending a lot of the times looks like everyone reconciling. Skipping off into the sunset holding hands at the end. 

But I don’t think that’s how reality plays out. At least in my existence. 

What I have experienced is more akin to the largest part of the The Pilgrim’s Progress story. Where we are born being given a direction. And then God is going to bring along people throughout your life to join you at certain times on your journey. But not all people are meant to walk all the way with you. For an endless multitude of reasons. 

But the quicker you can let go of them when it’s clear there is no more alignment, the more you can stop torturing yourself by insisting things turn out a specific way. 

It’s not giving up so much as it is surrender. I’m allowed to have my very real emotions in response to not getting what and who I want. But at the end of the day I have to make the intellectual choice to trust that there isn’t a thing in the world that would be able to pull someone away from me if God wanted them to stay.

So really any beef to be had isn’t with that person who I perceived as not showing up. It’s actually with God. God did not see best to let what I wanted in the physical, in the interim, in the very short-term understanding I possess. 

It’s easier to be disappointed with a person than to be angry with God. Until you risk that trust. Until you learn God isn’t at all intimidated by my lack of understanding. By my very real emotions.

This should be common sense except that we are marketed to death by machines constructed to 24/7/365 convince us to abandon ourselves in order to submit ourselves to others’ stories. Those who have enough physical resources to resist God the most. 

Zoom out. Matter of fact, get off the damn screens altogether. Quit numbing out. Quit distracting yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Get to the damn point already. Talk to your Creator. Your real Father. About it all. 

Even rage. Even throw a fit. Trinity is not at all surprised. Or so fragile as to not be able to walk with you. There will be no retaliation. That’s a lie pushed by males who haven’t done their own work. Who created a false deity, even an idol if you will, out of all the ways other males didn’t show up for them.

It’s okay that you left me. As much as I wish things turned out differently. Because that means there is a reason it was best for me to be on my own.

I’m not smart enough to know it all. That’s God’s department. But when I ask for wisdom about these things. When I ask for Spirit to speak to my broken heart, to my confused mind: there is always “revelation” given that instantly gives me that peace beyond my natural understanding. That’s when we walk on the water of what our senses are limited to understanding. 

That’s when your trust builds. Your confidence in the goodness of God. When you cry out and receive those downloads of what’s really going on in the bigger picture. 

When you put on your spiritual big grrrl and big boy pants. When you humble yourself to the obvious: that this entire Universe is quick proof that there is so much more going on than we have the capacity to hold in our natural minds.

And yet it’s also so simple: Love. Just Love. And in this aspect, Love FOR us. All the time. No exceptions. Even when initially it’s difficult to understand. 

For me? At least when it comes to some mother figures and sometimes self-appointed religious leaders and preachers: seeds of healing were put in my heart and they needed to be protected so they could take deep root. That was not possible specifically because people loved me so much. They wouldn’t want to see me struggle through the surgeries God has been doing all this time in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul.

I needed them to give me space so I could hear God talk to me about Trinity and myself. So I could actually hear what I had been praying for all along. 

Because my default is, or was, to focus on everyone else. To put myself on the back, back, back burner. 

I’m not against anyone. Even the worst. Honestly. For what they did. 

But I finally value myself as much as I valued everyone else. 

And I finally am not dependent on anyone in the sense of thinking God can’t or won’t sustain me if someone walks away. Or if I feel it’s healthiest and/or safest for me to leave.

I couldn’t have learned those lessons without you “abandoning” me. I gotta actually thank you. Not even sarcastically. You walking away helped save me. Helped save my story. I’m no longer a child. I’m becoming a woman with more and more strength.

I have to admit what I have worked through. That’s the only reason I speak on things. Not to dog anyone. But because it’s been a lot. And I don’t want to lose all the work I’ve done. To remind myself.

And hopefully to help others. Even maybe someday you. Full circle if God sees fit.

I came back to the church one day. I was in the service. Talking to people afterwards.

I would have normally sat next to the preacher’s wife. Normally everything would be at least cordial.

But this time I felt the energy across the room. There was a tension. I no longer felt tolerated.

Eventually there was no avoiding each other. Not that I wanted to avoid her in any way. But I didn’t feel the energy was now reciprocated.

So at the same time we basically turned and acknowledged each other. It was awkward. As much as I was glad to be talking with her even under those conditions.

But in short order she got to the point. She told me I was causing division. I believe I asked her how. And I believe she told me by my writing.

To which I responded by asking her if she had actually read any of my writing.

She was at least honest in saying she had not read my writing.

And that was that. End of everything.

This woman who had at one point told me to tell my biological mother that she was no longer my full-time mom. That this preacher’s wife was now my full-time mom. And my biological mom was now my part-time mom.

No, you’re not stupid at all. I would never have returned after day one, where I met you – when you came to make sure I wasn’t being chased after by the wrong guy – if I thought you were at all stupid.

But it’s convenient to think and say that about yourself in order to not deal with EVERYTHING.

I was so disappointed. Yet again another woman, specifically another mother figure, failing me. Bowing out when shit gets a little too real.

Not really believing in God. In God’s Love for them. For me. Except for forgiveness. But definitely not for power.

And I have surely been there. That’s exactly what you miss out on when you don’t read my words. God teaching me day in and day out, decade after decade, how to not abandon myself. Even though everyone else has.

When I walked out of the church that night, I hated myself for even crying about any of it. I wanted to be stronger. Be emotionless. Keep it all cerebral. Still to this day I hate that I care more than they do. That no matter how hard I try, they play me for the fool.

But I regained my sanity when I finally let them all go. I’ll never stop caring. But I finally redirected that energy back to myself. To caring for myself the way I wish they cared for me. Honestly.

And not in a weird way either. But at least as genuine friends. Since clearly the whole momma thing meant much less than I knew then to expect. In terms of stepping up. In actually staying in the fight.

It’s alright. God’s got them just like God’s got me. I’m not happy how things went down. I’m probably dumb for speaking so candidly when I guess there’s still time if everyone is alive. At least on this side.

But I asked God when I left that day. Why she would make the choice to come at me without even giving my words a chance. God answered me clear as day: fear. That’s the main thing.

Fear that I actually might be right. Fear that then her whole world would implode. Everyone’s would. They knew long before and more than I did. Not stupid at all.

And that’s a HUGE ask when literally EVERYTHING in your life revolves around your dogma. If you change then there is a very real risk that you’ll lose everything.

I am proof. So far I have lost everyone and everything. From the top to the bottom and side to side. I can never go back, but honestly I don’t blame them too much for not picking my side based on how everything currently is, or maybe more specifically is not, for me.

But I think my suffering has been prolonged way more than it needed to be because all I did was work non-stop to ultimately fail in trying to keep everything from falling apart. Over ten years later and now I’d advise way differently: just let it all fall apart. Specifically because God’s got everyone involved.

She said one day something like one of her goals was to be comfortable. Well, until such a time as the pain outweighs the comfort. We can resist our healing but in my experience the invitations will never cease. And sometimes get so loud that you finally have no choice but to face what you’ve been running from.

Again, I understand. While at the same time being so frustrated.

That things, in my opinion, could be so much better. Watching them is like watching an addict. Banging their head against a wall over and over and over and over and over. With no power to stop these people I valued so much from hurting themselves and others. I eventually had to step away from it all for my own sanity. Even though I still grieve the loss of everyone almost daily.

Story of my life: falling for their words and not paying enough attention to their actions. Realizing I was clearly the one who was more invested. Having to forgive myself for yet again giving people way too much of myself. When they were long since done.

Embarrassing. But not a judgement of me. Because I thought of all places I could trust the words spoken from people who claim to be so close to God. Especially those in full-time “ministry”. Silly me. Finally now grown up. At least in that harsh reality.

I was the one with less power. They should have done better. Shouldn’t have thrown around important words so casually.

You live and you learn.

One thing I am proud of: I NEVER called you momma. My soul at least knew enough to let you earn that first.

And you didn’t. You still don’t.

I forgive you. But that’s a kind of trust that has been deeply, deeply broken.

It’s okay in eternity. But it’s not okay here in our time on earth. At least until such time as there’s any sign of effort on your part.

The door is always wide open for reconciliation. But they don’t seem to want it at all.

Sad at least for me. From my perspective.

The problem is fear. But also a lack of humility. The flip side of me not having enough self-worth was that I was more easily open to considering other perspectives. On even just a purely technical level. And that humility saved me.

Also a deep, deep belief that God had to be truly good. Even if I couldn’t understand the most difficult stuff. There were still enough times that I experienced what I considered Trinity stepping into my life. Even meeting y’all in the first place. And so many others. The mathematical probability of so many things just being coincidences was not realistic.

You can’t have it both ways. God the hero and then god the completely unreasonable tirant. Unless you want to continue to gaslight yourselves for the crumbs you’ve tried to settle for all this time.

Others who haven’t dealt with their shit will continue to lie to you. But not me. That’s the number one reason you all push me away. So you don’t have to face the truth. At least directly.

I’d rather just me and God talk things out. Then have all my healing put out on display and have to learn my lessons publicly. Had more than enough of that already.

They called it love. I used to think it was love. But now I know better. Maybe at times they had affection in their hearts for me. Maybe at times there were loving actions. Loving words.

But now looking back I feel like most of it was completely different than what I thought back then. I think I gave them way too much credit. Even after all the work I thought I had until that point done. My bad in some respects.

I was so innocent. And I miss that innocence. I am so sad that I have to see things as they really are now. Even as I’d never want to live in lies or delusion.

And to be sure, I think the majority are drinking the Kool-Aid. Just like Jesus said: I truly believe they don’t deeply know better. Because I used to drink the Kool-Aid also. I genuinely thought I was doing right back then also. I cringe now thinking about things I used to say and do. I wish there was a way to go back and do things differently. But there isn’t. All we have is this moment.

They make their choices. Day after day after day. And force me to do likewise.

The hope is that even if things don’t change here, at least I’m now convinced they’ll get resolved on the other side at some point.

I just wish I had true like-minded friends to celebrate with. That relationships would be restored – but even better than before. And that we could all enjoy what I now believe is the much better story of how things really are.

Trusting God to do the heavy lifting. Because Lord knows they’ve exhausted every last drop of Never Give Up strength I had.

At least I’m a better person for all the pain. But hate that so many of us insist on learning the hard way.

What if it had nothing to do with you being a preacher?

What if making money was never the problem?

What if this was all just so that you could learn to actually Love your wife? Instead of just seeing her as a tool? 

And while we’re at it, everyone else.

What if you could have that old lifestyle back as soon as you choose? The enjoyable parts. That it has actually been completely up to you this whole time. 

That the only thing holding you back is how you see and treat your wife? Others. And yourself. 

And while we’re at it, your Father.

That it all stems from how you were treated. By those that could have done a lot better.

That there is no need to stand at a pulpit hour after hour after hour. Week after week. Year after year. 

That you could actually be enjoying yourself. Your retirement years.

Are you even able to tolerate the feeling of being in a relationship where you don’t have any power over someone else? 

Are you even able to tolerate the feeling of being in a relationship where there is no expectation that the other person is there to serve you in any capacity?

You wouldn’t have to go to anymore funerals. No more weddings. 

You could actually get up every morning and do whatever you want. For however long you want.

Without holding anyone hostage. 
Without having to manipulate every situation.

Let go. Let God.

You don’t preach a Loving Father because you won’t let yourself experience One. 

I know. I get it 100%. This is not me daring to foolishly speak because I haven’t Lived it. And am not still in it.

For some it takes exhaustion. And even losing everything. 

You are so lucky. You have squeezed by so long. But it’s all hanging in a precarious balance. You know as well as anyone that you’d be completely lost and everything would fall apart if the people tolerating you walked away. 

Trust me, bro. Sometimes God lets it happen. Absolutely nothing will be spared for our healing. Not even the most sacred. To us at least.

I’m that Ezekiel. That’s my foolishness. But I gotta get it out or I feel sick.

Or maybe not. Maybe for me also. First judged for how I treated others. Then this long and painful spiritual surgical operation to fix how I treat myself. 

Maybe I don’t have to speak words either. Maybe my desert rounds will end when I learn to shut up and focus on treating myself better. Actually trying. Actually getting invested again. 

Actually not giving up. When the temptation is so great to stop participating.

Which God do we actually serve? Did the best part already pass us by? I refuse to believe that’s how God works.

You want to end better than you started? Me too. But I don’t think it’s gonna happen without asking the hard questions. Without doing the work.

Crowns at His feet. For we know we’ve been “dragged”, so to speak, more than we ran to catch up. While at the same time acknowledging that God actually won’t do it without our consent. Which is why it has taken this long.

If it’s not the end then that means there’s still better to be had. Will you give up? Or do the work?

Number one: it’s relationship. Not religion.

You spend too many hours staring at the screens. Doom-scrolling. Just one more hit. A casino for your mind. Maybe one day you’ll win the jackpot.

So you don’t have to face your feelings.

Okay, I’ll be one of the first to confess. Before it becomes cool. Or popular. Here it is: I think I lost the last thirty years of my life to the Internet. And that is fucking sad.

I know too much information.
But I lost all common sense. 

And it’s not just the cell phones. Maybe it started even with books. Then radio. Then television. Anything to keep the feelings away. Anything that will distract. 

Our brains, man. I think they are hard-wired to avoid pain. Even when doing so kills us. Survival is the body’s goal. Not thriving. Seems like.

Growing up is realizing you were chasing a feeling more than you might have been chasing the actual person. Then deciding to maybe now do differently. If happiness and contentment are my responsibility. Versus some miracle Jesus will apparently let me go my whole damn life holding my breath for.

Not that I am complaining now. After going through it. After doing the hard work. Of facing “reality” – whatever that is, anyway. Only as far as I can tell; most likely my perception full of flaws. 

But we only live in our perception. So what other choice do I have? Who has paid the dues to be the judge of people’s perceptions? The people with licenses that I know have as many problems as me.

So we’re back here. Just standing around with our perceptions. And our feelings. And the lack, great big lack of what we want. 

Everyone else’s problem? 
God’s problem? 

Seems like only my problem to fix. By hell or high water. If there’s happiness out there to be had. If there’s real Life. Real Love. 

Gotta actually try. Not just play it safe enough to skate by. Not just the same ol’ tired excuses. 

Gotta admit what is. That for whatever reasons we crossed paths. But I don’t think we are each other’s final destination. Not like things are now. 

I wish we were friends. But you’ve broken my heart too many times for us to ever be lovers. I don’t think I’ll ever trust you again. Not at this point. There are just some lines you don’t cross. You can’t cross. Human respect. Decency. 

You’re playing games. And I never did. I was never on that fuck shit. You still a kid. Still immature. On that bullshit – just sick happiness at getting a reaction outta me. 

You’re gonna miss out on a real one. I’m not done. I’m just getting started. I been working my ass off. If you shit on me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best.

That’s the hardest. Seeing your potential but having to say goodbye. Because I can’t keep abandoning myself while waiting around for you to catch up.

Hey, it’s working for you, right? You’re happy, right? You have everything you want, right? I’m just the fool, right? Especially to speak on things, eh?

We’ll see, we’ll see. Time ain’t up yet. Not entirely.

I could give a shit less in terms of competition. I just know the time has already and long since been where I should have said goodbye. And I’ve all but died trying to avoid leaving you behind. 

But you keep on insisting. You are so determined. 

I should give you what you want, right? What your actions keep telling me you want. 

I should save myself. Give myself all I wanted to give you. 

Not as a threat, babe. Just facts. Just cold hard facts. I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t already done. I wouldn’t dare speak this boldly if you gave me even a shred of any hope to work with. 

This is what people want. They want you to leave them alone. They don’t want to face their toxicity. They don’t want to deal with their fears. They don’t want to admit their regrets. They don’t even see them that way. It’s easier to blame everyone else. Except the real actors in your narrative. 

It’s easier to get mad at the person in front of you than do the real work to dig deep and figure out where it started. Then you’d have to grieve. Then you’d risk looking like me after where I’ve been.

Then you wouldn’t be able to keep up the surface-level relationships that admittedly keep you afloat. Not really knocking you for that. It might be easier on the whole. Certainly there’s company, right? 

I’m not sure I’ve made the better choice. I have to think about that all day every day. Honestly. 

All I know is I’m a real one. I’m a down-ass bitch. 

But I need to finally ride for myself for once. Before I ever ride as hard for all y’all as I did before.

Not out of hate. Just necessity. Look at me. More than obvious.

As bad as people may think it is right now in The United States of America, people in other countries been going through it. Our jails and prisons provide more than their daily life.

This is another reason why the flow of people into this country will never stop. Until there is equality around the world in every way. Otherwise it’s worth risking everything to come here.

And this is karma for the United States of America. We are a world full of humans. If we think we are going to subjugate people in other countries in order to strip them of their resources and/or exploit them for their labor, we are creating this exact situation. Where we are only giving them reasons to come back and take from us. It doesn’t make sense to create this chaos.

Nothing is going to get solved for real until we truly value each other. And until we help each other to come up. So we can at least have the basic needs for survival and human existence.

But keep on thinking anything will get solved doing it your way. I mean you’re going to die. So what do you care about what happens after you, right?

Except what if true karma is your soul getting recycled right back to the most difficult situation you contributed to creating. That would be some shit.

Y’all ain’t living like Jesus really cares and takes everyone seriously.