Sarah Nyhan

Have you heard of the term “moral licensing”? It’s basically where you do good things and then the subsequent confidence you feel allows you to not feel as bad about doing wrong things.

The typical example is the corporation that is polluting the environment but dismisses taking any action on that problem and instead donates money maybe to something like a food bank. Or the CEO who is knee deep in stealing money but thinks writing checks to charities or paying for his mother-in-law’s 24/7 homecare makes up for this thefts.

All to say lately I’ve noticed that people tend to use their religiosity as a mental buffer to shield themselves from the true impact of their poor choices. Especially as it pertains to interpersonal relationships.

Jesus tried to tell us with the story of the Good Samaritan. Here this outsider takes better care, shows more love, than the religious elite.

I’ve been in groups where the religious elite are catered to. Where people go way out of their way to show off for the religious elite. And yet those same people treat the ones at the bottom as if they don’t exist.

But you sing your songs, you read your books, you listen to your speakers, you give money, you pray, and you volunteer. You tell people how to live their lives, but are you in relationship with them? And here is the real kicker, do you consider them family? Do you consider them an equal? Not someone to talk down to.

All your songs, readings, alms, prayers, etc. – what do they mean if those you interact with don’t feel loved. You can’t ask. But you can see it in their eyes, whether they are pleased or not.

I’m now realizing that for decades I’ve been incorrectly blaming God for my bad decisions. All under the guise of “seek first the kingdom of God”.

I was told that cursing was a sin. And they defined cursing as saying words like: damn, shit, fuck, bitch, etc.

I used to believe that definition of cursing. Because it was all I ever heard and knew.

But now I no longer refer to those words as curse words or cursing. I no longer believe that saying those words is “sinful”. Most of the time. 

In fact sometimes saying those words is the best use of the English language. At least in terms of how those words are received by many.

I now define sin as thinking differently about things than how Trinity thinks. I no longer see sin as necessarily a moral issue. I see it more as a perception and understanding issue. 

Sin, as I now understand it, can lead to hurtful behaviors, sure. And absolutely. Just look around – that much is undebatable. 

And there is accepted morality especially socially. 

But I now view cursing as more of damning someone to separation from Trinity. Not that I believe in actuality that someone can be separated from Trinity. Their Love knows no end – yes and Amen. 

But what I am referring to is misleading someone into “sinning” by THINKING that they are separate from God. Separate from their Creator. Separate from Holy Spirit, Trinity, their heavenly Father. Etc.

So I now believe that most preachers that I’ve heard curse WAY MORE than I do. Almost all day every day some of them. Just raining, pouring out and down non-stop condemnation. 

As if they have room to judge. As if they are somehow qualified to be the intermediary to determine whether God is upset with someone. 

You don’t have enough of your own work to do? Oh that’s right, you don’t actually work in the real world. All you do is sit on your high horse and make people feel bad. Then collect checks from ’em. 

Try running that shit out here in the streets. Without the insulation of your little clique of followers that you don’t even respect. You’ll get eaten up real bad. You’ll get your pompous ass handed to you and humbled real quick out here with real Life, real problems, and real people. Instead of endless navel-gazing and intellectual masturbation.

I used to think the Bible verse about two different kinds of water coming out the same spring was related to saying words like fuck, damn, shit, bitch, etc.

Now I understand and believe completely different. 

Now I think that verse relates more towards what preachers do. How they blaspheme the character of God. How they twist and have to do mental gymnastics to say out one side of their mouth that God is Love and God is good. But then turn right around sometimes in the same breath and say the complete opposite: that god sends little babies to a never-ending barbeque pit to literally and physically burn and roast alive for the rest of time just because they even had a thought that was a “mistake”.

That’s two diametrically opposed gods. 

The real God says Trinity merciful, gracious, slow to anger, patient, long-suffering. But then these cursing religious folk turn right around and say god also loves rules more than Their Creation. So much so that only the shedding of blood and the burning of literal human flesh will make this maniac monster god happy enough. 

Nothing about that makes sense. Like ocean and fresh water coming out of the same spring.

The real Trinity doesn’t require you to suspend your intellect. The real Trinity didn’t require anyone at all to die ever. For any sacrifice.

It is us who demands punishment. Us who demand blood. Us who demand death.

God said, “Okay, bet.” And Jesus came down to take away any excuse we have to not forgive each other. God said, “Whatever you think someone owes you, Trinity will pay that debt. Name the price.”

Now that’s not a message that sold well when Romans were enslaving folks back then. Or when the oligarchs enslave us today. No getting rich preaching that message. Or winning many friends. I’m living proof. 

But to say that anyone, even the Romans and oligarchs, even the modern-day religious zealots and Pharisees, are not as Loved by God as those whose every other word is shit, damn, fuck, and bitch – now that’s the real travesty. That’s the real sin.

When I hear a leader of my former church community telling people that they are and will be rejected by God because they happen to be living with someone they Love and/or are fucking, that is what I now consider cursing. That’s bullshit to me.

That is majoring in the minors. 

Whether living with that person is beneficial to everyone or not may or may not be an issue. I’m sure there are real benefits to making a commitment to each other before becoming financially entangled. Just to name one consideration. 

But sleeping in the same bed as and fucking another consenting adult has zero, and I will die on this – ZERO – to do with whether Trinity Loves, accepts, and is pleased. Especially when it comes to what happens after our human bodies give out.

That makes sense. That doesn’t require appointing yourself as the morality police to do patrols on people’s personal lives in order to condemn everyone. Instead of dealing with your own unhappiness and jealousy. 

Instead of REALLY getting real with Jesus. You won’t ask the hard questions. Because you don’t really believe this “god” you preach so hard. Why would you? He seems quite the narcissist. Quite the egotistical monster.

No thanks. 

I believe in a better God.

The real God who has not disappointed since I switched. 

I no longer am suicidal at least as it pertains to confusion or dread. Once I was shown and understood The real God, immediately a hardfast peace settled everything in me instantly. And never left me. 

Despite the whole damn world falling apart in the interim. Society and personally. Every thing!!! Except Jesus Loves me – that is the ONLY thing that remains.

And not just me. Every last person. Every last thing. No matter what. No matter who. No matter what they have done. None of it separates you from relationship with Christ. 

Only consequences in how you experience this time and the people you have been given. Including your relationship with yourself.

To say otherwise is to curse. To damn people. At least in how they think. To unnecessarily torture them. 

And God-forbid you tell a child the things you tell adults!!! Children in age specifically. But also applies to the spiritual age of all.

To make everyone twice the sons of hell that you are. Always reading, always studying. But never coming to comprehension.

Women – led by their guilt. Worshipping their own opinions over what God said long ago: if you so need punishment, if you so need whips and chains – fine, but it is FINISHED! For your sakes, for your guilt-ridden conscience only — on a Cross 2,000 years ago!

Or how much MORE millennia of blood will YOU require until YOU will be satisfied!?! Until YOU will unhook Jesus from The Cross and go actually Live your damn, fucking LIFE before your shit ass gets taken out like a bitch!?! 

God standing there on the other side like, “I tried to tell you.” Still with zero condemnation. Only Love. 

THAT is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Even now. When you think of all the time you lost just singing those same damn hymns in the pews ad nauseum. Completely missing the point.

Some of us. Cause I was once there also.

Let me stop. Cause there are little lambs who don’t fall into that category. Who don’t need my tongue-lashing. Most start out fine. With nothing but good intentions.

My screaming and yelling is for the others. Only because I so desperately want them to wake up. And stop hurting themselves and others.

Alas, I am no Jesus. Am no Holy Spirit. 

But my dumb ass is eternal hopeful. So I keep leaving these breadcrumbs as I trudge along. Mourning that I have no one to celebrate with. The ACTUAL good news. At least yet. My healing first. I suppose.

So yes, I will continue on with as much colorful language as fits situations. 

And as frustrated as I am by those who appoint themselves to judge. And reject myself and others – who find what words we can to describe the hells of pain we’ve endured. Even at the hands and mouths of those who will then exclaim they Love God so much. Yet there is no doubt in my mind that even them, even you, are Loved by Trinity just as much as me. Just as much as everyone else. Totally. 

You know why you can’t win? You know why you’re still failing? You know why you can’t ever get the motivation to do the work?

Because you are settling down. Instead of going for what you REALLY want. 

You have all this time been trying to figure out what the least amount is that you can accept and try to exist without completely losing it. Without wanting to kill yourself. Without turning into a person who hurts others out of spite. Out of reeeeeally despising other people’s happiness. 

You don’t believe it’s possible. You think they’re all deluding themselves. You laugh as you call them stupid. At least you have your superiority to fall back on at night. 

But that’s just convenient excuses to keep you from doing the really hard work. Of figuring out whether what you really want is quantitatively unreasonable. Or if you’re just scared to go for it and lose. To put all your eggs in one basket and come out looking like a fool. 

Does God really Love you THAT much? To have your back. To show up for you and your dreams? No, the big ones – the ones you know better than to tell to others. 

The dreams that even scare you. 

Nobody, absolutely nobody is able to walk this final push, this significant skin in the game, except you. If they could then it would be their dream also. But it’s not. Even the best can smile and nod. But nobody has the fire that is in you for these specific things. Not like you do.

You gonna take the easy way out? You gonna convince yourself not to go for it if nobody else understands? 

I tried that. I became physically ill. God had to slow my ass down. Make me all the way sit. In my own damn company. Until we wrestled all this out properly. 

EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

For years! For however long it takes. Until I believe in myself. Even a smidge that God does. Trinity made me after all.

I’m not special. I’m not unique. So you can’t use that as a cop out. I think it’s safe to say most have a dream. But pretty much everyone I know who grew up here was raised to be a corporate slave. To orient your safety as completely dependent on the approval of the tribe. And specifically the members who appear to have the most resources.

You think it’s social suicide to insist that you matter. That what you want is necessary. Versus a luxury.

You have ALL this time been trying so hard to stuff yourself down. To squeeze yourself into the very small and incredibly boring box they insist on so that your big ideas don’t dare challenge anyone else. By golly it sounds like you worship comfort more than you believe in a Great Big GOD who actually Created the entire Cosmos. 

You make god out to be in the image of your fathers. The ones who left. The ones who maybe fed and clothed you. Sometimes you were homeless. But most of the times at least you had access to a toilet and showers. 

Don’t talk to me about gratitude. You can ingratiate yourselves to each other with that bullshit. When it’s a way to dodge doing the deep work. 

But not me. This existence I have been dying through completely sucks. I hate it. I can finally admit that.

I thought I had to power through. Because no one rescued me when I needed rescuing.

Well, now God’s got me rescuing my damn self.

So be it. I am stronger for it. Although I resent people putting me in this position. I’ll be okay. At least God sees to it. Eventually.

All this hard work so I value myself. Truly value myself. And not give myself away so easily as I did for so many extremely painful decades. Some of us gotta learn that way. 

Your body knows. You indeed have made endless valiant attempts to settle. To go along to get along. To deny, deny, deny the aching desires desperate to BREATHE!

How many more years before you forgive yourself? Before you set yourself free?

The gates of heaven are always open. Her doors shall never be shut. 

It’s you that has tried so hard to settle for hell. You believe in damnation more than emancipation. All the while proclaiming you follow a resurrected God. 

Live like it!!! Live like Jesus not just tolerates you – but actually enjoys you. Is actually excited that about who you really are. Not for some greater purpose. Certainly not only or even ever as just a tool to be used. Or else what gospel is that?!

I can’t save anyone else. 

Switch the narrative. Stop telling stories as if everyone and everything got away. No, it was all allowed to fall apart. Allowed to go away. Because you never would. You fell in lust with people’s potential. Versus reality. 

Pain ‘ll wake you up alright. It did me. The only way for some of us. Oh I believe in that hell! The burning away of all that was put on us by others. All the burdens we were taught over and over to carry. All the years they stole from us.

Knock yourself out. But I done enough rounds around this damn desert. Ready to learn my lesson(s)! Please Jesus, please save me from my limiting beliefs. Please save me for settling for crumbs of attention instead of real Love. You know I don’t have a clue. All completely foreign to me. You have been frustrating all my attempts to give myself away for too, too little. Please help me see myself and others as Your heart sees us. I need relief so badly. Please as many years more as are best for me. Thank You for saving me from giving up on myself completely. For reminding me day after day that You see and Love Me. Amen!

What do I REALLY want?!

All my fears found me. I lost the career. I got the cancer. Everyone left me. The people I wanted most left and/or died. I did pass out in public and the ambulance was called. The bills still aren’t paid. Even a stranger pulled a gun on me. I ended up homeless. I could go on and on.

I hate to admit this, but it was both the most awful and best thing. I finally gave up. So much more to say. But yes, letting go was a big relief.

I feel like I am climbing my way back up somewhere now. Not how I was headed before.

I don’t at all miss the fear. I understand every day everything, and I do mean everything, can go “wrong”. But at this point death would be relief. 😂

So I kinda just look expectantly towards the adventure of each day now.

I always say I am going to roll out of this life like the last car in a demolition derby. I lost all face with people whose goal is to do the opposite. But turns out those weren’t my people anyway. They never really liked me. They were just entertained by watching me fall like they feared they never could.

It IS a lot. But it is what it is.

I got lost in the sauce there with explaining what I wanted to explain. But basically my real Life started over once I stopped fighting all my fears finding me.

You know what the most difficult part of not operating under “signs” is? Taking FULL responsibility for your whole damn life.

Common sense, right? Well not if you were raised in the kind of religion I fell into. 

In that world god always had a plan. And it was your job to figure it out. Because apparently god was tricky and just wanted you to get hints. But then they said it was somehow your fault if you didn’t put the puzzle together. 

Maddening! No peace! And completely unreasonable. 

I don’t know about you, but I finally decided my God isn’t a tricky tyrant. And decided that it was the religious zealots that screwed me up. Royally. Oh and maybe more so the people who are spiritually lazy. 

Because you never have to take responsibility for anything when you operate with “signs”. You can always convince yourself either way that is most convenient for your outcome: either god told you so it’s his fault if it doesn’t work out. Or god didn’t communicate the “sign” well enough so again you do mental gymnastics to TRY to escape accountability.

This also goes for those people who are endlessly praying and never doing anything to fix the problems in their lives and their relationships. I used to be that person. I know exactly what they are thinking.

It took everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, falling apart for me to finally decide enough with signs and even enough with just trying to pray all my problems away. 

Do I still ask God questions and tell God my thoughts? Absolutely. But I no longer think God is going to always bail me out of my decisions and choices. Even when I made those decisions innocently and with the best knowledge I had at the time.

I don’t think the point is pleasing God. I think God is already always pleased with us in terms of Love and acceptance. 

But I don’t think They are pleased when we hurt ourselves and others. As any Good parent would be. 

So there is no anger. There is no ego. There is no rule book even. It’s just all about healing. To be the best version of ourselves.

And in that I don’t think God is interested at all in Creating robots. We exist in REAL relationship, REAL conversation with our Creator. Whether we knowingly tap into all we have access to or not.

But conversing with God is different than asking for signs. In my opinion. After lots and lots of trial and error. Years!

Because I had no concept at all of my own strength and power for the majority of my Life. I was totally groomed to just be of service to others. An echo. Perform as expected. I just looked for where I fit in. I had very little of my own identity.

When my family, religious, and career systems/community fell away I was at a terrifying loss. I literally had no idea who I was or what to do. I had to build all of that from scratch. In my late 30s and early 40s. 

It’s been 5-10 years since the ball really got rolling and I am only now able to not take weeks of falling all over everything before I can identify how I actually feel and think about a thing. And that’s such huge progress for me.

Do you know how out of touch I was? It took me years to even be able to feel if I was warm or cold. I mean I would feel uncomfortable, but my natural tendency was not to ask myself why I was uncomfortable. I was rather groomed to look around and see if everyone else was comfortable. If they were then I would just automatically assume I SHOULD be comfortable. I would never even ask myself what I wanted. Because no one else really did. I had to learn how to even tell if I was warm or cold.

Same thing with eating. I would get so sick because I have insulin resistance. Since I was a kid. But then I am raised in an environment that tells me I should only eat at such and such time. Or times I can remember asking my parents for food and it’s like: it’s not time to eat.

And I don’t blame them because that’s how they were raised most likely. They probably didn’t know any better. But it’s taken me decades to be able to even identify if I am hungry. Because my whole life people expected me to eat when they eat. I don’t remember regularly being asked if I was hungry or given the freedom to decide that for myself. I was just expected to be hungry when everyone else was hungry.

To the point that before I was old enough to work, I resorted to stealing food and stealing money to buy food. Am I proud of that? Absolutely not. But I forgive myself and give myself grace because it was the only way I knew to not get sick with my insulin resistance when I wasn’t allowed to get what I needed when I needed it.

Just to say basic things like the ability to regulate my body temperature and satiate my hunger were so foreign to me. Learning how to stop thinking what everyone else expected of me. And decide for myself just those two simple things is still something I have to work through on a daily basis. I still have to put effort into it. It’s still not 100% second-nature after 5-10 years!

So can you imagine everything else?!?!

Deciding on a career. Deciding on an educational path. Deciding on where to live. Deciding on how to build community. Deciding EVERYTHING. It is so fucking overwhelming.

Trying to figure out what is actually me. Versus what was put onto me by the family, religion, and society. 

I know who everyone expects me to be. But I had no idea who I actually was. I had no idea what I actually wanted. It’s been all trial and error. Day after day after day. 

And decision fatigue is a very real thing. I feel like I have to think through thousands of decisions a day. Everything. To the point where there are times I go into the store and end up in tears. Walking out without being able to make a decision. 

It sounds stupid, but those coming out of high-control groups may understand. 

Early on I couldn’t even buy toilet paper or paper towels. Just because I didn’t know who I was.

Old me from my family would have bought the absolute cheapest toilet paper. The most volume for the cheapest price. Because the family operated in constant fear of financial devastation. 

But was that actually me? I mean could I give myself permission to even consider different toilet paper? Should I? Was it that big of a deal?

Society told me I was being too cheap. My friends would make fun of me. I wanted them to accept me. I didn’t want them to not come over because they hated my toilet paper.

What would Jesus think? Does Jesus care about my toilet paper choice? If the religion was saying so then I should probably be frugal to give more money to the preacher because “saving souls” is more important than comfortable toilet paper. Right?

But if I don’t think God is going to let me be financially devastated, and I don’t think God sends people to an eternal barbeque pit, then is it okay to spend a little extra so my friends will feel comfortable wiping their asses at my place?

And then who am I? If I am fine with the cheap toilet paper, is that valid also? Does having friends come down to a preference in toilet paper? Is the mark of a real friend whether they still want to hang out with you even though you prefer cheap toilet paper?

Ugh!!!! And that’s just the toilet paper!!! 

You want to know why I wear the same jeans, same blue shirts, same shoes, same hair style, same socks, same underwear, same bras day after day for years?! THAT! I finally found what I like at least in clothing. Enough at least to where I feel mostly comfortable. And it’s one less decision I have to make every day when I am figuring out who I am and what I want with what feels like EVERYTHING else.

When apparently choosing which toilet paper to buy spurs on a full identity crisis in the middle of H-E-B. And don’t even get me started if there are multiple items to buy. And multiple options of stores. 

I have multiple times literally walked out with nothing and had to go take a nap.

It sounds stupid. But it’s all a crisis resulting from years of outsourcing my decisions to “signs” and even to God. Well-meaning as I thought I was being.

You want to hear something “crazy” that I never hear people talk about. Except one video from John MacMurray: https://youtu.be/1kwHMUyyyp4?si=TN_rNAJxVVpMSXqt

I think about what John says in that video almost every day of my life now. He’s the only one I’ve ever heard talk about it.

That sometimes I think God plays, for lack of a better way to say it, devil’s advocate with us. Whichever way we want to go to work out whatever it is we are healing from and whatever it is that Trinity is growing strength in for us. 

Confused? Stick with me while I try to explain. 

In simplest terms: I don’t think God wants us to be robots blindly following rules. I think God wants Living breathing humans to be in even messy relationship with. God is not intimidated by our humanness at all. Much, much unlike your preachers will go on about ad nauseum. As much as I forgive their ignorance. And God also, I confidently believe. 

But just to say I think God wants YOU to develop the heart and mind and spirit that is actually and actively participating in your Life and in your relationships! 

Which I think means God will frustrate your offloading of the emotional, spiritual, and mental labor of decision-making by relying on “signs”. And maybe also you coughing up all inaction just to praying. As if you can just hot-potato all your responsibilities over to God.

How this looks I think is if you insist on avoiding making a decision by asking God for a “sign”, I think God will, depending on the situation, give you even the “wrong” answer or no answer just to specifically frustrate you from the whole “signs” business. 

The end goal being that you are unhappy with the situation you end up in. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably have to go through this fifty thousand million times before you finally get sick of all the bullshit you end up in after following all the “signs” you thought God gave you. 

And then you finally decide you can’t do signs anymore. And then you finally decide what YOU actually want. And FINALLY give yourself permission to make that decision on your own. 

It’s so few words for what takes literally maybe even decades to work through. At least it did for me.

The linchpin for me was working through the story of the rich young ruler. That’s when I finally realized. After I gave up ALL my money and ALL my income. After I left “the world” to work at Manna House. And God didn’t pay all my bills and debts. 

God let me fall FLAT on my face. With my money and with the notoriously cringy Mr. December 19th situation. 🤦 Lord have mercy, I was SO lost in “signs”. I honestly thought that was the way. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to go back a few decades and make so many different decisions. 

But I didn’t know. 

Then another story that helped me give myself permission to make my own decisions without waiting for “signs” is the story of the talents. How the only guy that got reprimanded was the one who did nothing and was paralyzed by fear.

And then the third story that helped free me was the simple story of God telling Adam to name the animals. Because the church folk woulda swore God preordains everything. Hence: asking and waiting for signs. But there plain as day in the first book of our Bibles was God telling Adam to make up his own mind. God specifically wanting to see what Adam would come up with.

Now the zealots will do mental gymnastics to gaslight themselves and everyone else into towing the line and not considering any other perspective. Especially common sense. 

But I have experienced immense relief from discovering over and over that God isn’t tricky. That religion has made an enormous complicated mess out of an extremely simple message. And that we actually don’t have to abandon our minds to follow Christ. That when you work through most things, when you actually dare to challenge Holy Spirit in regards to the dogma, the answers are quite simple. No religious multi-level marketing spiels needed to get others to understand.

The only people who have a problem with common sense are those religious folks that can’t see past their noses. 

God ain’t finished or even frustrated by them though. Also. 

And not my business either. Clearly got more than enough of my own to work on. 

But just writing this because I think it’s fascinating in of course a God-sized genius way. That if you insist on signs, God might tell you one thing today and then the complete opposite tomorrow. Just so and until you get tired. And finally make up your own damn mind.

Good luck to those of us starting over from scratch. After everything fell apart. Because it IS a lot!

I think ideally you should be given the time and freedom to figure out this stuff before you hit puberty. To develop an actual identity beyond just being a robot to fit into other people’s stories. So you can have years to figure out what paths you want to explore and what suits you best. With relatively little consequences when you are a kid.

One of the more frustrating parts of this is that people judge me negatively because I am an adult who doesn’t “have it together” to their liking yet.

They don’t see the big picture. That yes, I make changes sometimes day by day. Over and over. Flip-flopping back and forth. One huge example being social media. But it’s not because I have some disorder. It’s simply because I am like a brand new baby. Figuring out life for the first time. Except publicly with real consequences. Versus the safety of play and imagination as a child of biological age. 

I have to literally try on different parts of who I think I am. I have to show up in real-life scenarios wearing this me I think I have settled on. Just to find there is something else I don’t like or something else I want to change and do differently. 

People look at that as a bad thing. Because they worship certainty more than growth and healing. Which is incredibly frustrating. But also completely out of my control if I decide to be true to myself. Versus just going along for their fickle acceptance. 

People be all kinds of okay with you suffering. Believe that. As long as you don’t challenge them.

But get mad or stand up for yourself. Or admit you are sad and depressed, and they’ll leave you figuring out all this shit on your own if you don’t fall back in line quick enough. Cursory nods are tolerated for the briefest of times. But this deep shit? Boy, don’t I know it. In THICK!

Ironically I wouldn’t have discovered any of this if everyone had stayed for me to mirror. At the end of the day, I probably have to thank those that left me more than those few who dare to tolerate me even a bit.

I am finally discovering myself. I am finally making decisions on my own. Standing behind who I am. Taking responsibility and accountability like I NEVER did while in “the church”. 

I talk to God all the time. But now I ask different questions. Cause I know if I ask for “signs”, it’s most likely going to end in another messy lesson. 

I don’t say, “God, what should I do?”

I instead now ask things like, “Please help me see what I am missing. Please help me see Your heart in this situation. What words or actions could I take to make the outcome that I want? Is there a better outcome than the one I think is best?”

Then it’s a conversation. And an actual relationship.

Then I am growing as a person. Then I am actually participating in this Life.

Then I have skin in the game. Versus, frankly and in crude terms, being a pussy. Being a weakass bitch that won’t stand for nothing. That wants to blame everything on god. If things don’t work out. 

I lived that way for way too damn long. I think God never “blessed” me there so I would realize I have something to offer my fellow humans. And myself for that matter.

That all of us are Created to participate. Not to sit on the sidelines in fear. And also not to march around like soulless sanitized sterilized robots. Ugh.

That’s what I think it means when God kicked Adam out of “the garden”. It just means God refuses to bless our delusions. Just so we don’t get stuck there. When there is so much better for us on the other side. Of fear. Of analysis paralysis. 

Actually stepping up. Actually getting in the game. Instead of mousing away on the sidelines. 

You do you. Zero condemnation. 

But God, please give me my mountain! Please help me go get it. Like Peter said, wash me top to bottom. Please help me go get that GOOD Life if it’s actually out there to get.