It’s easier, right? To pick between a “bad” option and a “good” option. But the pain for me comes when I have to pick between two “good” options. It really sucks. Having to say goodbye to something you want in order to have the bandwidth to be fully available to something else that you really want.

I wish I could do both. I’ve tried. But I’m not able to do either well if I don’t give up one. Some. And that really, really sucks.

In the past, the locus of control for my decisions was primarily outside of me. But after being freed from that thinking, now I am the one fully responsible. For cutting off and out of my life things that I really want in order to make room for things that I really want more. Both good choices. Just one over the other.

Because unfortunately I am very human and finally had to admit to myself that I don’t have what it takes to do everything I want to do. It now seems best to force myself to choose. Now that I realize I have the ability to take charge of my happiness. Now that I am not waiting on anyone else to rescue me.

2023 was the first year I switched to priority management versus time management. And it is really changing my life. I feel a lot more peace. And hope. But it comes with a lot of grieving. Saying goodbye to a lot of things that aren’t necessarily bad. In order to make room for what is best. As defined for me, by me. For the first time purposely.

Watching the show Hoarders really helped drive this home for me as that show is an example of extremes. Some of those hoarders have a lot of “good” stuff. But in aggregate, it is too much. It’s distracting from the bigger issues. Their inability to say goodbye literally imprisons them. Ruins everything.

I’ve had that issue also. Not so much with physical things. But with emotional and social attachments. In addition to digital assets.

There’s this thought that keeps people paralyzed: “What if I get rid of it and I need it again later?” Easier said with things. A lot more difficult when it comes to people. But there are a few questions that are starting to help me make those difficult decisions.

One is, “Is holding onto this thing or person bringing me more happiness or more sadness now?” This is really difficult to answer and face sometimes. When a thing or a person has been even one of your favorites in the past. But now because of either a change in it/them or a change in you, now that thing or person is becoming more harmful than beneficial.

There is a deep grief that I find myself having to face when I have to admit that things are different now. They aren’t the same as they once were. For years and even decades I have held onto mainly people who I didn’t want to give up on. Because of good times past, because of potential. But I found that I was sad all the time when I kept trying to live for the past. I found myself so alone and lonely. Sacrificing my present and future for uncertain hope that these people would ever change and we’d be in alignment again.

And it’s not a crime or a weakness to hope. I think that’s a mark of a person who cares a lot. But hope in your heart is different than paralyzing your entire life while you wait for someone to catch up.

I finally learned how to have hope in my heart while still living my life according to present circumstances and moving on. The only way is I have to in my mind give those people I’d prefer not to leave behind squarely in the hands of God. Because if Trinity can change me then They can change the ones I have to say goodbye to for now.

But intellectually understanding why I need to do what I need to do doesn’t help the grieving feel any less painful. Sometimes you want to scream out, “It’s so unfair!” Moving on doesn’t feel worth it sometimes even when you intellectually know down the road you’ll feel better. That middle space and time between sowing and reaping is not always sunshine and rainbows, not always fun.

But that’s what we do when we know better. When we start stepping into ourselves versus letting every little wind blow us around wherever, however. Sure, people will keep you around for a bit if you choose the alternative. But when you no longer serve their purposes, you will be unceremoniously discarded. At least that has been my incredibly painful experience.

So, no. No longer ignoring all the red flags. No longer spending time being entertainment for people who aren’t even going anywhere. Who are using me as a distraction because they don’t have a plan for their lives or their happiness. No matter how much I love them and wish that reality was something different.

They’re going to try all the tricks. To guilt or scare me back into place. But I just have to see it for what it is. Not really even that personal. Just the really unfun stuff of growing up. Of grabbing hold of all the best things that are out there for us. Trusting our healing and the healing of those we love into the hands of most-capable God.

At the end of the day, I am tired of delaying my happiness. I am tired of yesterday being able to steal my todays and my tomorrows. That’s all it really comes down to. Just wanting my life back. And realizing I might be waiting forever if I’m waiting for anyone else to give it to me. Finally deciding to go out and get it back myself. For me. For my sanity, my happiness, my joy, love, and everything else I’ve been desiring more of for so long.

The dreams of you always catch me off guard. I’ll go weeks trying to move on. And then out of nowhere. On a random morning. There you are coming back to mind. I always wonder if that means you are thinking of me. It’s too painful anymore to hope. But it would be so nice if so.

Doubly difficult because I dreamt of you before we ever really knew each other. And my dream came true then. So does that mean these dreams will also? Ugh, I wish I knew.

And oddly, the dreams come to me like a story. Each one evolving in a way from the last. And better. Which is only harder for my heart. That wants to hope so badly.

Each time there is more peace between us. And individually in us.

Each time you are here for me a little more. This time you told me what you needed from me. Which I so appreciate. Thankfully I did the right things in the dream after that.

I hope one day my dreams will come true. I hope one day I won’t need to dream of you because you’ll be coming to get me.

Do you think I enjoy this? I hate it. I hate telling you no in order to hold myself accountable for my own life and my own happiness. I much prefer the feelings I experienced in the beginning when I was ignorant. Because there were a lot of good times.

But let me be very clear – where we are right now is because of you. Your choices, your words, your actions. That force me to keep you only if I lose myself. You don’t make room for both of us to be in your space.

You mistake my kindness for permission not to do the work. And that’s bullshit. Because I’m a real one. Unlike so many others that will just tell you whatever they think you want to hear. Is that all you really want?

If that’s the case then I’m only sorry for me. That I didn’t test you more before I invested so much.

That it didn’t even occur to me that you’d go to so much trouble just to appear that way on the outside. Instead of rather redirecting all the energy inside for the real change. You could have already had what you wanted by now. So long ago. Enjoying it all this time. But that’s too much to ask?

If so, I’m sorry for me that I waited this long to start over again. That I didn’t know better. That I had to learn this way.

That the only way I’m not going to be as dead is if I choose to move on without you. Because you refuse. And insist on settling for so little. After all this time. After all that had happened. All you spent so far for… nothing?

No, that’s not good enough for me. And I won’t apologize for not assisting you in your metaphorical suicides.

You should know me better than that. Maybe even part of what you saw and liked in the first place. But now that it’s you, I’m suddenly too much? Or not enough.

You’re right; you’re entitled to exactly what you want. Maybe I just have been having a really hard time accepting your decision.

You don’t think I have a million reasons to follow suit? Every day. For so long. You don’t think I’m all too intimately familiar with struggling with the same?

I may not win. By your standards. But at least I try. At least I’m trying. I respect myself for that. Even if you never accept me or this. And I think that’s enough. Something more to work with.

But I guess you’re happy as you are, right? And I should just let you be in your great and grand satisfactions?

That’s the problem from the jump. Before I even came into your life. You don’t think there is enough. You are so focused on what everyone else has that you are blind to all that is available to you. Way more than just me. Because that’s the point of all this.

You’re not thinking with a clear mind. I know this. But how much longer would you hold my happiness hostage until you decide to be ready? I’m not willing to find out anymore.

You know where I am. You know how to reach me. You get to choose. The ball is in your court.

And in the meantime I’m going back to work on saving and nursing to life what’s left of my dignity.