Sarah Nyhan

You know why you can’t win? You know why you’re still failing? You know why you can’t ever get the motivation to do the work?

Because you are settling down. Instead of going for what you REALLY want. 

You have all this time been trying to figure out what the least amount is that you can accept and try to exist without completely losing it. Without wanting to kill yourself. Without turning into a person who hurts others out of spite. Out of reeeeeally despising other people’s happiness. 

You don’t believe it’s possible. You think they’re all deluding themselves. You laugh as you call them stupid. At least you have your superiority to fall back on at night. 

But that’s just convenient excuses to keep you from doing the really hard work. Of figuring out whether what you really want is quantitatively unreasonable. Or if you’re just scared to go for it and lose. To put all your eggs in one basket and come out looking like a fool. 

Does God really Love you THAT much? To have your back. To show up for you and your dreams? No, the big ones – the ones you know better than to tell to others. 

The dreams that even scare you. 

Nobody, absolutely nobody is able to walk this final push, this significant skin in the game, except you. If they could then it would be their dream also. But it’s not. Even the best can smile and nod. But nobody has the fire that is in you for these specific things. Not like you do.

You gonna take the easy way out? You gonna convince yourself not to go for it if nobody else understands? 

I tried that. I became physically ill. God had to slow my ass down. Make me all the way sit. In my own damn company. Until we wrestled all this out properly. 

EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

For years! For however long it takes. Until I believe in myself. Even a smidge that God does. Trinity made me after all.

I’m not special. I’m not unique. So you can’t use that as a cop out. I think it’s safe to say most have a dream. But pretty much everyone I know who grew up here was raised to be a corporate slave. To orient your safety as completely dependent on the approval of the tribe. And specifically the members who appear to have the most resources.

You think it’s social suicide to insist that you matter. That what you want is necessary. Versus a luxury.

You have ALL this time been trying so hard to stuff yourself down. To squeeze yourself into the very small and incredibly boring box they insist on so that your big ideas don’t dare challenge anyone else. By golly it sounds like you worship comfort more than you believe in a Great Big GOD who actually Created the entire Cosmos. 

You make god out to be in the image of your fathers. The ones who left. The ones who maybe fed and clothed you. Sometimes you were homeless. But most of the times at least you had access to a toilet and showers. 

Don’t talk to me about gratitude. You can ingratiate yourselves to each other with that bullshit. When it’s a way to dodge doing the deep work. 

But not me. This existence I have been dying through completely sucks. I hate it. I can finally admit that.

I thought I had to power through. Because no one rescued me when I needed rescuing.

Well, now God’s got me rescuing my damn self.

So be it. I am stronger for it. Although I resent people putting me in this position. I’ll be okay. At least God sees to it. Eventually.

All this hard work so I value myself. Truly value myself. And not give myself away so easily as I did for so many extremely painful decades. Some of us gotta learn that way. 

Your body knows. You indeed have made endless valiant attempts to settle. To go along to get along. To deny, deny, deny the aching desires desperate to BREATHE!

How many more years before you forgive yourself? Before you set yourself free?

The gates of heaven are always open. Her doors shall never be shut. 

It’s you that has tried so hard to settle for hell. You believe in damnation more than emancipation. All the while proclaiming you follow a resurrected God. 

Live like it!!! Live like Jesus not just tolerates you – but actually enjoys you. Is actually excited that about who you really are. Not for some greater purpose. Certainly not only or even ever as just a tool to be used. Or else what gospel is that?!

I can’t save anyone else. 

Switch the narrative. Stop telling stories as if everyone and everything got away. No, it was all allowed to fall apart. Allowed to go away. Because you never would. You fell in lust with people’s potential. Versus reality. 

Pain ‘ll wake you up alright. It did me. The only way for some of us. Oh I believe in that hell! The burning away of all that was put on us by others. All the burdens we were taught over and over to carry. All the years they stole from us.

Knock yourself out. But I done enough rounds around this damn desert. Ready to learn my lesson(s)! Please Jesus, please save me from my limiting beliefs. Please save me for settling for crumbs of attention instead of real Love. You know I don’t have a clue. All completely foreign to me. You have been frustrating all my attempts to give myself away for too, too little. Please help me see myself and others as Your heart sees us. I need relief so badly. Please as many years more as are best for me. Thank You for saving me from giving up on myself completely. For reminding me day after day that You see and Love Me. Amen!

What do I REALLY want?!

There are thousands of reasons to give up. But they won’t make you sleep any better at night. Your dreams will never stop haunting you. Until you actually try. 

You haven’t actually tried. Not for real, for real. 

Yeah, you gave it a go. You ran up to the line. You made at least one effort. Maybe a few more. But then you gave up, bitch. You went and sat on the sidelines to cry about it. You said, “This must not have been for me.” After only THAT many attempts?!

What ego! To think other people have to work at things, but then you cop out if you can’t get it right away! Other people have to work for things, but you shouldn’t? Other people have to work for things, but you are going to throw a pity party if it doesn’t come easy for you? Ridiculous! So much ego!

Do you really want it or not?!

You KNOW you could have done better! You know more would be possible if you actually put in more work. If you actually tried.

But trying requires investment. Trying requires commitment. Trying means putting some actual skin in the game. 

Trying requires saying no to other GOOD things. With no guarantee or promise that you’ll actually succeed. That you may lose a lot and not see a return on your efforts.

You might still lose.

But maybe at least you’d respect yourself more. Right now you are mad at yourself. Right now you are furious with yourself. When you see other people have what you might be able to get. 

Or let’s face it: maybe too much time has passed. Maybe you have lost so much already. But does that mean you should just completely give up on anything you want ever being possible?!

I’m so mad at myself. That I let fear steal so many years. That I let depression win anything. But that doesn’t mean it makes any sense to throw away the rest of my time here. 

The problem is you have to face whether you REALLY believe things you want are actually possible. You have to have that conversation with yourself. It’s not easy. But that’s the thin line. 

How badly do you want it?

I will hate myself if I continue down this path I’ve walked. This giving up. It was necessary for a time. Because I put way too much pressure on myself. Incorrectly from how I was taught by others.

So the pressure is off now. There are no outside motivations anymore. No outside drivers. It’s just me staring my dreams down in the face. It’s just me staring myself in the face. And asking myself if I’m about that lazy bullshit. If that’s how I want to go down.

Or do my dreams mean enough to me to actually try. To actually put in the work.

Am I going to be happy continuing to distract myself from the pain of not having what I really want? Or am I actually going to try? Actually get back in the game FOR REAL this time?

Not making excuses. Not letting myself off the hook.

Looking all the hard work in the face and saying, “Let’s do this.” For myself. For future me. Not because I have to. But because that’s the only way I’ll be happy and respect myself. Full stop. 

Was I really serious when I said, “never give up”? Or am I just a bullshitter?