Sarah Nyhan

What if you REALLY can do whatever you want?

What if the only thing holding you back is your lack of commitment? Because you are waiting on God. And God doesn’t give a shit. God says do whatever you want – in Love. That Love is the point. Not some deterministic plan. 

What if you are just scared? What if you are trying to game the system instead of just embracing Life for what it is – absolutely messy! 

What if you’ve tied your identity to other people’s perception of your performance. And it is just that – a performance. Just like little kids playing dress-up.

Except now that you’re an adult, you don’t want to pay any price for not winning the game. 

Everybody wins all the time? That’s insane. THAT’S “crazy”. 

Not me actually trying. Not me actually giving a fuck. Not me getting to the end of my Life without anything left on the table. 

Do you – scared. 
Do you – perfectionist. 

For WHAT exactly?!

Exactly how do you define “success”? 
By your own standards and values? 
By the approval of others?
Which “others”?

The ones who value you genuinely being who you are regardless? Or the ones only interested if you submit yourselves to fulfilling a role they can exploit in some respect – socially acceptable or not. 

Is your identity tied so tightly to being intelligent? To being “right”? That you can’t be human like the rest of us?!

What if the people who actually give a shit never expected you to be perfect? They just expected you to try and to be honest.

What if your superiority doesn’t come from being smart and getting it “right”? That’s not what makes you better than the people who hurt you. Maybe it’s okay that you separated from those that hurt you regardless of whether they were doing their best or not. You don’t have to be perfect just to not be like them. 

But even if you also messed up. Even if you also still mess up. The difference will be how long you let it go on without fixing it. Not whether you fucked up in the first place. 

True, sometimes it’s too much. And too far. For too long. But does that still warrant opting out on Life for all of the rest of your time here?!

You want to get it right. What if there is no “right”?

You want to avoid pain. What if pain is inevitable?

You want God to show you some theoretical path to avoid pain and suffering. To avoid shame. To avoid the disapproval of others. To avoid embarrassment.

What if that doesn’t exist? 

What if God doesn’t define “success” by executing “perfectly”?

What if working out all the nuances to the decision is the point? What if the messy process of healing is the point? 

What if you coming into your own versus following Jesus around like a toddler is the point? Remember Legion? Jesus turned Legion away. Legion wanted to follow Jesus – wanted to walk with Jesus. And Jesus basically said, “No. You know enough. Go – peace be with you in whatever you do.”

What if the reason you are not reaching your dreams is because (1) you haven’t given yourself permission to really have them. And (2), you haven’t really committed. 

You keep waiting for “signs” from God. As if there is only one path and you gotta get it right or else everything is lost. What if God doesn’t give a shit? What if God will always partner with you in whatever you do? To work out whatever is going to be worked out. To bring your best to you in whatever you choose!!! 

That would be a good God!

God won’t give you any “signs”. (Matthew 16)
Or God will give you conflicting “signs”. (Matthew 19)

Just so you’ll STOP with the “signs” bullshit. 

Just so you’ll finally get tired enough to truly step into being a full human and actually invest in your Life. Actually decide what you REALLY want. And FINALLY commit!

Who ARE you!?

What do YOU want!?

Are you gonna keep being a scared little bitch and then blame God when nothing happens decade after decade? Or are you going to finally step up and full send this shit!? This awesome potential you have as a BE-LOVED child of the Almighty Creator you sing so many songs about!?

Is He just a king on a throne to be danced to? To entertain? 

Or could maybe Trinity actually give a real and amazing fuck about you going after as many of your dreams, with your God-given potential, as you desire!!

God doesn’t stop shitty people from going after and getting what they want. So why not you?

Or keep playing that martyr bullshit. Keep blaming God. Keep just sitting around singing and praying. Keep being paralyzed by fear when you claim God is so big – even the biggest. 

Keep being mad if I go get what I want while you don’t. I’m not sitting around waiting and crying with y’all anymore. Clock in! There’s pain and risk either way.

No matter how many times I try to give up, God always comforts me and then invites me to get back into the game.

What are we fighting for?

“Righteous are You, O Lord, when I plead with You;
Yet let me talk with You about Your judgments.
Why does the way of the wicked prosper?
Why are those happy who deal so treacherously?

‘…If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you,
Then how can you contend with horses?
And if in the land of peace,
In which you trusted, they wearied you,
Then how will you do in the floodplain of the Jordan?
For even your brothers, the house of your father,
Even they have dealt treacherously with you;
Yes, they have called a multitude after you.

‘…Many rulers have destroyed My vineyard,
They have trodden My portion underfoot;
They have made My pleasant portion a desolate wilderness.
They have made it desolate;
Desolate, it mourns to Me;
The whole land is made desolate,
Because no one takes it to heart.’”

(Jeremiah 12 NKJV)

At some point you just can’t be worried anymore. You just can’t be sad anymore. You just can’t be afraid anymore.

At some point they’ve taken all they can take.

I’m here now. Well, every time I say that there ends up being an even deeper level. But as far as who I used to be a long time ago – man!

I used to be afraid of everything. Especially losing. No, more specifically – being seen as a loser. A failure. Not fitting in.

I NEVER wanted to stand out. That wasn’t safe. At all.

But here we are now. On full display. No matter where I go. No matter what I do. Impossible to hide. To blend in. It’s obvious I’ve been to hell and back. Multiple times.

I’ve given up on being able to mask enough to act like the ones who will let me in. I’ll never be enough for them. I’ll never get it “right”.

Even if I dedicated the rest of my life to performing being another person. The white-washed, sanitized, safe version they think they’d prefer. Never. It would take everything in me all the time. And I don’t even have half of that to give even a little bit of the time.

This is me, bitches. This is me.

And I write because… I don’t know. Just because I feel like day after day I climb mountain after mountain. And writing is like taking a picture. It’s documenting a point in time that I think is important.

Especially as my mind has made so many changes over the years. Yes, I am kinda Sarah. But certainly not the one you maybe thought you knew.

I’ve always been on this quest for truth. For understanding what is going on.

I guess my goal is to help reduce people’s pain. My own included at the forefront.

And writing is kinda like breadcrumbs I leave along the way for others to pick up. Would be cool to see if these indulgent words of mine would ever help anyone else.

More so than me just going on and on.

Are you familiar with the term “ableism”? 

I have only heard it used in terms of physical disabilities. But lately I’ve been realizing it can also apply to societal expectations of how people are perceived socially.

The reason ableism pisses me off so much is because in regards to trauma, it’s not about actually solving problems for those who have been hurt. Instead is the mega-offensive double hurt of basically shutting someone down who is in pain just so you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings and work their trauma makes for you.

I feel so angry when people spend more effort trying to shut down the people who have been hurt versus the people who do the hurting. That is so immensely infuriating! 

I cannot even describe the level of betrayal inherent in that behavior – impact regardless of intention. To work overtime to shut down abused people who are trying to work through and survive their pain!? Instead of working overtime to shut down the abusers who caused that pain!? Or at least work overtime to give abused people real healing and support!

We all have had to go through things. I imagine at least the majority of people. So it’s so confusing and also infuriating when the people trying to shut you down for speaking on what’s happened to you are also people who are not strangers to pain. You’re like: “Bro!?! What the fuck? You know what I’m going through! At least somewhat. So why are you trying so hard to shut me down?!”

I think it comes from fear. They know many in society look down on weakness. And at the end of the day their core internal belief, despite their words and certifications and degrees, is that they think you expressing what has happened to you is weakness. So then they must think asking for help to navigate horrible things that have happened to you is a sign of weakness.

I don’t. I think being able to talk about things is immense strength. I think getting help to not let trauma win is a sign of strength. I don’t have a problem talking about that. At all.

But even some of the people in the “mental health” world, even some counselors look down on the people they purport to be helping. Just because they want to talk about what happened to them. Now THAT is fucking crazy! When I thought that was literally your whole job.

Or are you just there to be the behavior police? To get people back in line? Back on the trains? So there isn’t any scene. Anyone actually fighting to change the status quo. Even when it comes to things like child rape. And parents not actually wanting to take care of the children they brought into this world.

Turns out even some mental health folks would rather you shut up so everyone can go back to being unchallenged. Go back to the little comforts that they’ve found to make life not so real. Even as unhealed wounds fester all around them. 

Who am I to judge? 

Except when I feel repeatedly violated by the those that sell themselves as knowing better.

I’m so glad I never risked my story to basically everyone when I was younger. I already wanted to die back then. The responses I’ve received as an adult would have definitely put me over the edge if I had to endure them as a child.

My body knew better than I could comprehend even back then. Give yourself credit: you weren’t crazy – you always knew deep within who was safe and who wasn’t. 

And since y’all love spectrums so much, some people are safe to an extent. Until they’re not.

And I’ve found the line is usually when you being real contradicts with them having to pick whether to risk being accepted socially. They’re more scared of rejection by others than doing the right thing.

They talk a good game when it comes to God, but they don’t act like Jesus is real. They sacrifice children ever day all day just so they don’t have to step up and actually do the hard work.

They ride that forgiveness of God DEEP. As deep as it goes. Fuck all their relationships. Fuck consequences.

That’s why they have to keep putting and pushing people like me away. So they can stay in their circle jerks. Everyone propping up each other’s egos. In the midst of absolute insanity. 

You gotta be able to question yourself. In order to grow. In order to get better. 

I guess I never had the luxury of thinking I was okay. There was no self-love instilled in me. I’ve had to work for every ounce of that. Every crumb.

But the blessing being I don’t feel threatened by considering I could be wrong. I’m 100% okay with being corrected. I value the truth more than I care about people thinking I made a mistake. I’m human, bro – I’m going to not always get it right. Why is that such a scary thing for most people to admit?

You gotta understand that your worth doesn’t come from the acceptance of others. You will never be at peace if your happiness depends on the approval of others. 

I never had that. So it doesn’t kill me to stand on my own.

Does it suck when nobody wants to ride for you as hard as you feel like you ride for others? One-hundred-thousand percent. But it’s not like that’s a new feeling for me. I’m used to being alone.

I’d rather respect myself. I’d rather be able to face myself in the mirror. Sleep well at night without having to medicate myself just to avoid my conscience. Some people day and night. Can’t face themselves.

Take all the pills you want. Shut down all the hurting kids you want. Push everyone away who just by existing, just by living their own lives, brings to light what you fight so hard to constantly avoid. 

But you’re the one missing out most. Not me. 

I’ll be fine. I always am. Because that’s one thing I know, believe, and like about me: I’ll do the work to get to the other side.

Maybe not in a way that makes you be able to pretend like everything is okay. But I know it’s worth it to face the hard stuff. To get my hands dirty in cleaning up whatever messy part of being a human decided to show up in my life. 

It is what it is, bro. You can sit around pretending shit isn’t. Or you can get to it.

This ableism b.s. can kiss my ass. This “power through and please play nice” shit that they peddle as healing is absolutely false.

You want me to look like nothing ever happened to me. For your comfort. Bitch, shit did. Shit did happen to me. And I’m tired of even those in the helping professions making it seem like the goal is to mask so well that nobody can tell. For THEM. Not for the relief of my pain at all.

Every damn day I have to deal all day with the impacts of what people did to me. Especially when I was younger. That doesn’t make me less than. That’s just reality.

And you look down on me because of that!? Because of things other people did to me. That I had no control or choice over at the time!?

I will never be like you. I will never be “normal”.

To define strength only as someone who can act like nothing bad ever happened to them, like they don’t still every day have to deal with shit, is fucking ridiculous. THAT’S crazy. That’s insane. 

NOT me talking about it. Not me admitting what is true.

Not what happened to me making you so uncomfortable that you’d rather shut me down. Than deal correctly with the people who hurt me.

Tired of these pussy pansy ass people. Tired of society making the victims do the work of restoring comfort to everyone. Instead of holding the abusers accountable. Absolute bullshit. Double the trauma. 

And then they have the audacity to wonder why we’re in the state we’re in. As people who cause pain run amuck with zero consequences. Day after day. 

I’m only one person. It’s my job to take care of myself and anyone I bring into this world. I’m not doing your emotional labor anymore.

Deal with it or not. I’m not going to lose sleep anymore over losing the approval, no – the barely being tolerated by those who refuse to step up. 

Hopefully eventually I’ll experience this more than a party of one. But it’s important enough to me, to what happened to me, either way. I’ll die on this hill: if they only want me if I shut up then they can keep all that mess entirely to themselves. 

Don’t just agree with me because I say the things you feel. Actually do differently. Be the change. Instead of perpetuating the pain.

I was told that cursing was a sin. And they defined cursing as saying words like: damn, shit, fuck, bitch, etc.

I used to believe that definition of cursing. Because it was all I ever heard and knew.

But now I no longer refer to those words as curse words or cursing. I no longer believe that saying those words is “sinful”. Most of the time. 

In fact sometimes saying those words is the best use of the English language. At least in terms of how those words are received by many.

I now define sin as thinking differently about things than how Trinity thinks. I no longer see sin as necessarily a moral issue. I see it more as a perception and understanding issue. 

Sin, as I now understand it, can lead to hurtful behaviors, sure. And absolutely. Just look around – that much is undebatable. 

And there is accepted morality especially socially. 

But I now view cursing as more of damning someone to separation from Trinity. Not that I believe in actuality that someone can be separated from Trinity. Their Love knows no end – yes and Amen. 

But what I am referring to is misleading someone into “sinning” by THINKING that they are separate from God. Separate from their Creator. Separate from Holy Spirit, Trinity, their heavenly Father. Etc.

So I now believe that most preachers that I’ve heard curse WAY MORE than I do. Almost all day every day some of them. Just raining, pouring out and down non-stop condemnation. 

As if they have room to judge. As if they are somehow qualified to be the intermediary to determine whether God is upset with someone. 

You don’t have enough of your own work to do? Oh that’s right, you don’t actually work in the real world. All you do is sit on your high horse and make people feel bad. Then collect checks from ’em. 

Try running that shit out here in the streets. Without the insulation of your little clique of followers that you don’t even respect. You’ll get eaten up real bad. You’ll get your pompous ass handed to you and humbled real quick out here with real Life, real problems, and real people. Instead of endless navel-gazing and intellectual masturbation.

I used to think the Bible verse about two different kinds of water coming out the same spring was related to saying words like fuck, damn, shit, bitch, etc.

Now I understand and believe completely different. 

Now I think that verse relates more towards what preachers do. How they blaspheme the character of God. How they twist and have to do mental gymnastics to say out one side of their mouth that God is Love and God is good. But then turn right around sometimes in the same breath and say the complete opposite: that god sends little babies to a never-ending barbeque pit to literally and physically burn and roast alive for the rest of time just because they even had a thought that was a “mistake”.

That’s two diametrically opposed gods. 

The real God says Trinity merciful, gracious, slow to anger, patient, long-suffering. But then these cursing religious folk turn right around and say god also loves rules more than Their Creation. So much so that only the shedding of blood and the burning of literal human flesh will make this maniac monster god happy enough. 

Nothing about that makes sense. Like ocean and fresh water coming out of the same spring.

The real Trinity doesn’t require you to suspend your intellect. The real Trinity didn’t require anyone at all to die ever. For any sacrifice.

It is us who demands punishment. Us who demand blood. Us who demand death.

God said, “Okay, bet.” And Jesus came down to take away any excuse we have to not forgive each other. God said, “Whatever you think someone owes you, Trinity will pay that debt. Name the price.”

Now that’s not a message that sold well when Romans were enslaving folks back then. Or when the oligarchs enslave us today. No getting rich preaching that message. Or winning many friends. I’m living proof. 

But to say that anyone, even the Romans and oligarchs, even the modern-day religious zealots and Pharisees, are not as Loved by God as those whose every other word is shit, damn, fuck, and bitch – now that’s the real travesty. That’s the real sin.

When I hear a leader of my former church community telling people that they are and will be rejected by God because they happen to be living with someone they Love and/or are fucking, that is what I now consider cursing. That’s bullshit to me.

That is majoring in the minors. 

Whether living with that person is beneficial to everyone or not may or may not be an issue. I’m sure there are real benefits to making a commitment to each other before becoming financially entangled. Just to name one consideration. 

But sleeping in the same bed as and fucking another consenting adult has zero, and I will die on this – ZERO – to do with whether Trinity Loves, accepts, and is pleased. Especially when it comes to what happens after our human bodies give out.

That makes sense. That doesn’t require appointing yourself as the morality police to do patrols on people’s personal lives in order to condemn everyone. Instead of dealing with your own unhappiness and jealousy. 

Instead of REALLY getting real with Jesus. You won’t ask the hard questions. Because you don’t really believe this “god” you preach so hard. Why would you? He seems quite the narcissist. Quite the egotistical monster.

No thanks. 

I believe in a better God.

The real God who has not disappointed since I switched. 

I no longer am suicidal at least as it pertains to confusion or dread. Once I was shown and understood The real God, immediately a hardfast peace settled everything in me instantly. And never left me. 

Despite the whole damn world falling apart in the interim. Society and personally. Every thing!!! Except Jesus Loves me – that is the ONLY thing that remains.

And not just me. Every last person. Every last thing. No matter what. No matter who. No matter what they have done. None of it separates you from relationship with Christ. 

Only consequences in how you experience this time and the people you have been given. Including your relationship with yourself.

To say otherwise is to curse. To damn people. At least in how they think. To unnecessarily torture them. 

And God-forbid you tell a child the things you tell adults!!! Children in age specifically. But also applies to the spiritual age of all.

To make everyone twice the sons of hell that you are. Always reading, always studying. But never coming to comprehension.

Women – led by their guilt. Worshipping their own opinions over what God said long ago: if you so need punishment, if you so need whips and chains – fine, but it is FINISHED! For your sakes, for your guilt-ridden conscience only — on a Cross 2,000 years ago!

Or how much MORE millennia of blood will YOU require until YOU will be satisfied!?! Until YOU will unhook Jesus from The Cross and go actually Live your damn, fucking LIFE before your shit ass gets taken out like a bitch!?! 

God standing there on the other side like, “I tried to tell you.” Still with zero condemnation. Only Love. 

THAT is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Even now. When you think of all the time you lost just singing those same damn hymns in the pews ad nauseum. Completely missing the point.

Some of us. Cause I was once there also.

Let me stop. Cause there are little lambs who don’t fall into that category. Who don’t need my tongue-lashing. Most start out fine. With nothing but good intentions.

My screaming and yelling is for the others. Only because I so desperately want them to wake up. And stop hurting themselves and others.

Alas, I am no Jesus. Am no Holy Spirit. 

But my dumb ass is eternal hopeful. So I keep leaving these breadcrumbs as I trudge along. Mourning that I have no one to celebrate with. The ACTUAL good news. At least yet. My healing first. I suppose.

So yes, I will continue on with as much colorful language as fits situations. 

And as frustrated as I am by those who appoint themselves to judge. And reject myself and others – who find what words we can to describe the hells of pain we’ve endured. Even at the hands and mouths of those who will then exclaim they Love God so much. Yet there is no doubt in my mind that even them, even you, are Loved by Trinity just as much as me. Just as much as everyone else. Totally. 

You know why you can’t win? You know why you’re still failing? You know why you can’t ever get the motivation to do the work?

Because you are settling down. Instead of going for what you REALLY want. 

You have all this time been trying to figure out what the least amount is that you can accept and try to exist without completely losing it. Without wanting to kill yourself. Without turning into a person who hurts others out of spite. Out of reeeeeally despising other people’s happiness. 

You don’t believe it’s possible. You think they’re all deluding themselves. You laugh as you call them stupid. At least you have your superiority to fall back on at night. 

But that’s just convenient excuses to keep you from doing the really hard work. Of figuring out whether what you really want is quantitatively unreasonable. Or if you’re just scared to go for it and lose. To put all your eggs in one basket and come out looking like a fool. 

Does God really Love you THAT much? To have your back. To show up for you and your dreams? No, the big ones – the ones you know better than to tell to others. 

The dreams that even scare you. 

Nobody, absolutely nobody is able to walk this final push, this significant skin in the game, except you. If they could then it would be their dream also. But it’s not. Even the best can smile and nod. But nobody has the fire that is in you for these specific things. Not like you do.

You gonna take the easy way out? You gonna convince yourself not to go for it if nobody else understands? 

I tried that. I became physically ill. God had to slow my ass down. Make me all the way sit. In my own damn company. Until we wrestled all this out properly. 

EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

For years! For however long it takes. Until I believe in myself. Even a smidge that God does. Trinity made me after all.

I’m not special. I’m not unique. So you can’t use that as a cop out. I think it’s safe to say most have a dream. But pretty much everyone I know who grew up here was raised to be a corporate slave. To orient your safety as completely dependent on the approval of the tribe. And specifically the members who appear to have the most resources.

You think it’s social suicide to insist that you matter. That what you want is necessary. Versus a luxury.

You have ALL this time been trying so hard to stuff yourself down. To squeeze yourself into the very small and incredibly boring box they insist on so that your big ideas don’t dare challenge anyone else. By golly it sounds like you worship comfort more than you believe in a Great Big GOD who actually Created the entire Cosmos. 

You make god out to be in the image of your fathers. The ones who left. The ones who maybe fed and clothed you. Sometimes you were homeless. But most of the times at least you had access to a toilet and showers. 

Don’t talk to me about gratitude. You can ingratiate yourselves to each other with that bullshit. When it’s a way to dodge doing the deep work. 

But not me. This existence I have been dying through completely sucks. I hate it. I can finally admit that.

I thought I had to power through. Because no one rescued me when I needed rescuing.

Well, now God’s got me rescuing my damn self.

So be it. I am stronger for it. Although I resent people putting me in this position. I’ll be okay. At least God sees to it. Eventually.

All this hard work so I value myself. Truly value myself. And not give myself away so easily as I did for so many extremely painful decades. Some of us gotta learn that way. 

Your body knows. You indeed have made endless valiant attempts to settle. To go along to get along. To deny, deny, deny the aching desires desperate to BREATHE!

How many more years before you forgive yourself? Before you set yourself free?

The gates of heaven are always open. Her doors shall never be shut. 

It’s you that has tried so hard to settle for hell. You believe in damnation more than emancipation. All the while proclaiming you follow a resurrected God. 

Live like it!!! Live like Jesus not just tolerates you – but actually enjoys you. Is actually excited that about who you really are. Not for some greater purpose. Certainly not only or even ever as just a tool to be used. Or else what gospel is that?!

I can’t save anyone else. 

Switch the narrative. Stop telling stories as if everyone and everything got away. No, it was all allowed to fall apart. Allowed to go away. Because you never would. You fell in lust with people’s potential. Versus reality. 

Pain ‘ll wake you up alright. It did me. The only way for some of us. Oh I believe in that hell! The burning away of all that was put on us by others. All the burdens we were taught over and over to carry. All the years they stole from us.

Knock yourself out. But I done enough rounds around this damn desert. Ready to learn my lesson(s)! Please Jesus, please save me from my limiting beliefs. Please save me for settling for crumbs of attention instead of real Love. You know I don’t have a clue. All completely foreign to me. You have been frustrating all my attempts to give myself away for too, too little. Please help me see myself and others as Your heart sees us. I need relief so badly. Please as many years more as are best for me. Thank You for saving me from giving up on myself completely. For reminding me day after day that You see and Love Me. Amen!

What do I REALLY want?!

All my fears found me. I lost the career. I got the cancer. Everyone left me. The people I wanted most left and/or died. I did pass out in public and the ambulance was called. The bills still aren’t paid. Even a stranger pulled a gun on me. I ended up homeless. I could go on and on.

I hate to admit this, but it was both the most awful and best thing. I finally gave up. So much more to say. But yes, letting go was a big relief.

I feel like I am climbing my way back up somewhere now. Not how I was headed before.

I don’t at all miss the fear. I understand every day everything, and I do mean everything, can go “wrong”. But at this point death would be relief. 😂

So I kinda just look expectantly towards the adventure of each day now.

I always say I am going to roll out of this life like the last car in a demolition derby. I lost all face with people whose goal is to do the opposite. But turns out those weren’t my people anyway. They never really liked me. They were just entertained by watching me fall like they feared they never could.

It IS a lot. But it is what it is.

I got lost in the sauce there with explaining what I wanted to explain. But basically my real Life started over once I stopped fighting all my fears finding me.