Sarah Nyhan

You know what the most difficult part of not operating under “signs” is? Taking FULL responsibility for your whole damn life.

Common sense, right? Well not if you were raised in the kind of religion I fell into. 

In that world god always had a plan. And it was your job to figure it out. Because apparently god was tricky and just wanted you to get hints. But then they said it was somehow your fault if you didn’t put the puzzle together. 

Maddening! No peace! And completely unreasonable. 

I don’t know about you, but I finally decided my God isn’t a tricky tyrant. And decided that it was the religious zealots that screwed me up. Royally. Oh and maybe more so the people who are spiritually lazy. 

Because you never have to take responsibility for anything when you operate with “signs”. You can always convince yourself either way that is most convenient for your outcome: either god told you so it’s his fault if it doesn’t work out. Or god didn’t communicate the “sign” well enough so again you do mental gymnastics to TRY to escape accountability.

This also goes for those people who are endlessly praying and never doing anything to fix the problems in their lives and their relationships. I used to be that person. I know exactly what they are thinking.

It took everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, falling apart for me to finally decide enough with signs and even enough with just trying to pray all my problems away. 

Do I still ask God questions and tell God my thoughts? Absolutely. But I no longer think God is going to always bail me out of my decisions and choices. Even when I made those decisions innocently and with the best knowledge I had at the time.

I don’t think the point is pleasing God. I think God is already always pleased with us in terms of Love and acceptance. 

But I don’t think They are pleased when we hurt ourselves and others. As any Good parent would be. 

So there is no anger. There is no ego. There is no rule book even. It’s just all about healing. To be the best version of ourselves.

And in that I don’t think God is interested at all in Creating robots. We exist in REAL relationship, REAL conversation with our Creator. Whether we knowingly tap into all we have access to or not.

But conversing with God is different than asking for signs. In my opinion. After lots and lots of trial and error. Years!

Because I had no concept at all of my own strength and power for the majority of my Life. I was totally groomed to just be of service to others. An echo. Perform as expected. I just looked for where I fit in. I had very little of my own identity.

When my family, religious, and career systems/community fell away I was at a terrifying loss. I literally had no idea who I was or what to do. I had to build all of that from scratch. In my late 30s and early 40s. 

It’s been 5-10 years since the ball really got rolling and I am only now able to not take weeks of falling all over everything before I can identify how I actually feel and think about a thing. And that’s such huge progress for me.

Do you know how out of touch I was? It took me years to even be able to feel if I was warm or cold. I mean I would feel uncomfortable, but my natural tendency was not to ask myself why I was uncomfortable. I was rather groomed to look around and see if everyone else was comfortable. If they were then I would just automatically assume I SHOULD be comfortable. I would never even ask myself what I wanted. Because no one else really did. I had to learn how to even tell if I was warm or cold.

Same thing with eating. I would get so sick because I have insulin resistance. Since I was a kid. But then I am raised in an environment that tells me I should only eat at such and such time. Or times I can remember asking my parents for food and it’s like: it’s not time to eat.

And I don’t blame them because that’s how they were raised most likely. They probably didn’t know any better. But it’s taken me decades to be able to even identify if I am hungry. Because my whole life people expected me to eat when they eat. I don’t remember regularly being asked if I was hungry or given the freedom to decide that for myself. I was just expected to be hungry when everyone else was hungry.

To the point that before I was old enough to work, I resorted to stealing food and stealing money to buy food. Am I proud of that? Absolutely not. But I forgive myself and give myself grace because it was the only way I knew to not get sick with my insulin resistance when I wasn’t allowed to get what I needed when I needed it.

Just to say basic things like the ability to regulate my body temperature and satiate my hunger were so foreign to me. Learning how to stop thinking what everyone else expected of me. And decide for myself just those two simple things is still something I have to work through on a daily basis. I still have to put effort into it. It’s still not 100% second-nature after 5-10 years!

So can you imagine everything else?!?!

Deciding on a career. Deciding on an educational path. Deciding on where to live. Deciding on how to build community. Deciding EVERYTHING. It is so fucking overwhelming.

Trying to figure out what is actually me. Versus what was put onto me by the family, religion, and society. 

I know who everyone expects me to be. But I had no idea who I actually was. I had no idea what I actually wanted. It’s been all trial and error. Day after day after day. 

And decision fatigue is a very real thing. I feel like I have to think through thousands of decisions a day. Everything. To the point where there are times I go into the store and end up in tears. Walking out without being able to make a decision. 

It sounds stupid, but those coming out of high-control groups may understand. 

Early on I couldn’t even buy toilet paper or paper towels. Just because I didn’t know who I was.

Old me from my family would have bought the absolute cheapest toilet paper. The most volume for the cheapest price. Because the family operated in constant fear of financial devastation. 

But was that actually me? I mean could I give myself permission to even consider different toilet paper? Should I? Was it that big of a deal?

Society told me I was being too cheap. My friends would make fun of me. I wanted them to accept me. I didn’t want them to not come over because they hated my toilet paper.

What would Jesus think? Does Jesus care about my toilet paper choice? If the religion was saying so then I should probably be frugal to give more money to the preacher because “saving souls” is more important than comfortable toilet paper. Right?

But if I don’t think God is going to let me be financially devastated, and I don’t think God sends people to an eternal barbeque pit, then is it okay to spend a little extra so my friends will feel comfortable wiping their asses at my place?

And then who am I? If I am fine with the cheap toilet paper, is that valid also? Does having friends come down to a preference in toilet paper? Is the mark of a real friend whether they still want to hang out with you even though you prefer cheap toilet paper?

Ugh!!!! And that’s just the toilet paper!!! 

You want to know why I wear the same jeans, same blue shirts, same shoes, same hair style, same socks, same underwear, same bras day after day for years?! THAT! I finally found what I like at least in clothing. Enough at least to where I feel mostly comfortable. And it’s one less decision I have to make every day when I am figuring out who I am and what I want with what feels like EVERYTHING else.

When apparently choosing which toilet paper to buy spurs on a full identity crisis in the middle of H-E-B. And don’t even get me started if there are multiple items to buy. And multiple options of stores. 

I have multiple times literally walked out with nothing and had to go take a nap.

It sounds stupid. But it’s all a crisis resulting from years of outsourcing my decisions to “signs” and even to God. Well-meaning as I thought I was being.

You want to hear something “crazy” that I never hear people talk about. Except one video from John MacMurray: https://youtu.be/1kwHMUyyyp4?si=TN_rNAJxVVpMSXqt

I think about what John says in that video almost every day of my life now. He’s the only one I’ve ever heard talk about it.

That sometimes I think God plays, for lack of a better way to say it, devil’s advocate with us. Whichever way we want to go to work out whatever it is we are healing from and whatever it is that Trinity is growing strength in for us. 

Confused? Stick with me while I try to explain. 

In simplest terms: I don’t think God wants us to be robots blindly following rules. I think God wants Living breathing humans to be in even messy relationship with. God is not intimidated by our humanness at all. Much, much unlike your preachers will go on about ad nauseum. As much as I forgive their ignorance. And God also, I confidently believe. 

But just to say I think God wants YOU to develop the heart and mind and spirit that is actually and actively participating in your Life and in your relationships! 

Which I think means God will frustrate your offloading of the emotional, spiritual, and mental labor of decision-making by relying on “signs”. And maybe also you coughing up all inaction just to praying. As if you can just hot-potato all your responsibilities over to God.

How this looks I think is if you insist on avoiding making a decision by asking God for a “sign”, I think God will, depending on the situation, give you even the “wrong” answer or no answer just to specifically frustrate you from the whole “signs” business. 

The end goal being that you are unhappy with the situation you end up in. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably have to go through this fifty thousand million times before you finally get sick of all the bullshit you end up in after following all the “signs” you thought God gave you. 

And then you finally decide you can’t do signs anymore. And then you finally decide what YOU actually want. And FINALLY give yourself permission to make that decision on your own. 

It’s so few words for what takes literally maybe even decades to work through. At least it did for me.

The linchpin for me was working through the story of the rich young ruler. That’s when I finally realized. After I gave up ALL my money and ALL my income. After I left “the world” to work at Manna House. And God didn’t pay all my bills and debts. 

God let me fall FLAT on my face. With my money and with the notoriously cringy Mr. December 19th situation. 🤦 Lord have mercy, I was SO lost in “signs”. I honestly thought that was the way. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to go back a few decades and make so many different decisions. 

But I didn’t know. 

Then another story that helped me give myself permission to make my own decisions without waiting for “signs” is the story of the talents. How the only guy that got reprimanded was the one who did nothing and was paralyzed by fear.

And then the third story that helped free me was the simple story of God telling Adam to name the animals. Because the church folk woulda swore God preordains everything. Hence: asking and waiting for signs. But there plain as day in the first book of our Bibles was God telling Adam to make up his own mind. God specifically wanting to see what Adam would come up with.

Now the zealots will do mental gymnastics to gaslight themselves and everyone else into towing the line and not considering any other perspective. Especially common sense. 

But I have experienced immense relief from discovering over and over that God isn’t tricky. That religion has made an enormous complicated mess out of an extremely simple message. And that we actually don’t have to abandon our minds to follow Christ. That when you work through most things, when you actually dare to challenge Holy Spirit in regards to the dogma, the answers are quite simple. No religious multi-level marketing spiels needed to get others to understand.

The only people who have a problem with common sense are those religious folks that can’t see past their noses. 

God ain’t finished or even frustrated by them though. Also. 

And not my business either. Clearly got more than enough of my own to work on. 

But just writing this because I think it’s fascinating in of course a God-sized genius way. That if you insist on signs, God might tell you one thing today and then the complete opposite tomorrow. Just so and until you get tired. And finally make up your own damn mind.

Good luck to those of us starting over from scratch. After everything fell apart. Because it IS a lot!

I think ideally you should be given the time and freedom to figure out this stuff before you hit puberty. To develop an actual identity beyond just being a robot to fit into other people’s stories. So you can have years to figure out what paths you want to explore and what suits you best. With relatively little consequences when you are a kid.

One of the more frustrating parts of this is that people judge me negatively because I am an adult who doesn’t “have it together” to their liking yet.

They don’t see the big picture. That yes, I make changes sometimes day by day. Over and over. Flip-flopping back and forth. One huge example being social media. But it’s not because I have some disorder. It’s simply because I am like a brand new baby. Figuring out life for the first time. Except publicly with real consequences. Versus the safety of play and imagination as a child of biological age. 

I have to literally try on different parts of who I think I am. I have to show up in real-life scenarios wearing this me I think I have settled on. Just to find there is something else I don’t like or something else I want to change and do differently. 

People look at that as a bad thing. Because they worship certainty more than growth and healing. Which is incredibly frustrating. But also completely out of my control if I decide to be true to myself. Versus just going along for their fickle acceptance. 

People be all kinds of okay with you suffering. Believe that. As long as you don’t challenge them.

But get mad or stand up for yourself. Or admit you are sad and depressed, and they’ll leave you figuring out all this shit on your own if you don’t fall back in line quick enough. Cursory nods are tolerated for the briefest of times. But this deep shit? Boy, don’t I know it. In THICK!

Ironically I wouldn’t have discovered any of this if everyone had stayed for me to mirror. At the end of the day, I probably have to thank those that left me more than those few who dare to tolerate me even a bit.

I am finally discovering myself. I am finally making decisions on my own. Standing behind who I am. Taking responsibility and accountability like I NEVER did while in “the church”. 

I talk to God all the time. But now I ask different questions. Cause I know if I ask for “signs”, it’s most likely going to end in another messy lesson. 

I don’t say, “God, what should I do?”

I instead now ask things like, “Please help me see what I am missing. Please help me see Your heart in this situation. What words or actions could I take to make the outcome that I want? Is there a better outcome than the one I think is best?”

Then it’s a conversation. And an actual relationship.

Then I am growing as a person. Then I am actually participating in this Life.

Then I have skin in the game. Versus, frankly and in crude terms, being a pussy. Being a weakass bitch that won’t stand for nothing. That wants to blame everything on god. If things don’t work out. 

I lived that way for way too damn long. I think God never “blessed” me there so I would realize I have something to offer my fellow humans. And myself for that matter.

That all of us are Created to participate. Not to sit on the sidelines in fear. And also not to march around like soulless sanitized sterilized robots. Ugh.

That’s what I think it means when God kicked Adam out of “the garden”. It just means God refuses to bless our delusions. Just so we don’t get stuck there. When there is so much better for us on the other side. Of fear. Of analysis paralysis. 

Actually stepping up. Actually getting in the game. Instead of mousing away on the sidelines. 

You do you. Zero condemnation. 

But God, please give me my mountain! Please help me go get it. Like Peter said, wash me top to bottom. Please help me go get that GOOD Life if it’s actually out there to get.

I grew up in the days when all we had access to was the encyclopedia and other books and magazines at the library. 

I think because I grew up in a restricted high-control environment, I was fascinated by information when I finally got a hold of it.

I had even been home-schooled as a child, so when I finally made it to public school, I was just amazed at all this information that was available in a library that was not locked down religiously. 

I don’t know I got started, but when I was in high school at Belton High School, I would just walk myself into the administration offices after I quickly ate my food during lunch. And I would walk right through all the principals and other administrative staff offices, out the other side, and to the library. And just read books the rest of the lunch period.

As a kid during the summers in Belton, I would go to the university library and just read books and magazines. 

I was not that girl who would skip school to do “bad” things. I was the one who would skip school just to watch television at home – when we finally got one with access to even basic channels. Like what kid skips school to watch educational programs on PBS? 😄

I was addicted to information. Especially having not grown up with much exposure to “the world”.

The great part is that I have been endlessly curious about everything and everyone. Which has opened so many doors for me and given me so many great experiences.

But the downside is I think I lost the last thirty years of my life to collecting information more than actually living. 

Maybe the drive to collect information comes from feeling unsafe. So you think if you can just prepare enough then you can avoid pain. Well, that hasn’t worked yet.

I finally realize there is no safety on Earth. Not in a person. Not in a place. Not in a source of income. Nothing. No one.

There is only strength. 

And I can tell you for sure that strength doesn’t fully manifest only from gathering information. At some point the pilot has to get into the plane and fly. Everything up to that point is just theory.

When your world falls apart, especially after you’ve spent decades trying to gather all the right information, you’re forced to face Life on Life’s terms. Beyond all the theory. And that shit is hella real. Everything hurts. Non-stop.

No more an armchair quarterback telling everyone else how to live their lives while riding on your high horse. Nope. Now you actually Live this shit for real.

And then ironically you don’t have the energy to correct anyone. Cause one thing you learn is that you have very little influence over anyone – especially with those words you used to be so attached to. No, people are on their own journeys in their own timelines.

And my time is best spent actually Living my own Life. Versus being hyper-focused on what anyone, much less everyone is doing and saying. 

Once you’re left with only yourself, then you gotta make peace with everything. In order to find real sanity. 

And that’s not easy. 

The worst part is having to choose between good things. In this society that says you can have everything. No – you can’t. At least not easily. Everything has a price. In some way.

Including what seems like the good thing of gathering information. 

I have been off FB and IG for a long while now. Which removed me from reading a lot of what other people were thinking and saying and doing. 

It was lonely, but now having jumped back on, I feel that compulsion again to keep doom-scrolling. And I don’t like how I feel when doing that. When taking everything in. It doesn’t leave me feeling better. Even though I am supposedly back in the mix. Supposedly not missing out.

I have to find a balance. Because I have learned so much. In some ways my Life has completely changed for the better after ingesting some information I found online. But I don’t want to get lost in the addiction to information again.

I already know enough to get started. To get out of the damn bed. To get ahead by actual action. Not just endless planning. 

There’s some credit to being first to market. 

What have you actually DONE over the past thirty years? What do you actually DO on a daily basis? 

What do I actually have to show for myself besides a mind full of knowledge? 

A bigger ass? Less money? A fucked up life? Fucked up relationships?

It starts with me. I gotta literally get out of my own head. 

I don’t ask myself what I would do anymore. That’s not good enough. Obviously. 

Now I ask myself what I would tell someone else to do. That’s how I can see simply. And not make every decision so damn complicated. The answers are embarrassingly easy. Should not have taken me this long to get started, basically.

Now I say that I have to have blinders on. On and off the Internet. I have to know who I am. I have to have a basic-ass plan for my life. To get out of the shit first. And then build towards what I want.

An actual plan. Not just some bullshit ideas. But steps you actually hold yourself accountable to.

And it is too much. If you’re like me then every single thing needs work and needs to change. That shit can kill you if you dwell on it too long. 

So, don’t dwell on it too long. Just start with the most urgent thing. 

I don’t let myself off the hook, but I have to give myself grace or I won’t survive looking at how bad things have been and are. Especially how much work it’s going to take me to get where I want to be. 

I am a recovering perfectionist is how I look at it now. So my “therapy” is not to wait until I know “everything”. My goal each day is to just do at least one thing better than the day before. Stack actual wins. Versus theoretical navel-gazing and intellectual masturbation.

It’s your life. Do whatever you want. But I refuse to get to the end and realize I just sat around watching everyone else live. Fuck that.

You know what builds actual confidence, actual self-esteem: doing the work. Busting your ass and seeing real results. 

Then you don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. They can have all the opinions they want but it’s all just noise.

That’s what I am telling myself every day now. Dozens of times a day: who am I and what is my job? Just focus on that. Blinders on to all the other distractions competing for my energy and attention.

My job is, number one, to take care of myself. Because I spent my whole life up until now trying to make sure everyone else was good. And COMPLETELY lost myself and ran my life into the ground in the process.

So, for example, reading about someone else’s political opinions has zero to do with my job of taking care of myself. So I have to put blinders on and not engage. Not even read or listen.

There is no inherent value judgement. I’m not looking down on them. Reading political opinions just isn’t my number one job right now. So I have to be an adult and have self-control. Turn it off or look away. Get back to my work. When distractions like that come asking me to go off-course.

I can’t even entertain others at this point because of all the work I have to do. I mean read the room, people. I have a lot of work to do especially financially. You don’t even know. Or maybe you do. But I’m not waiting for things to get worse before I start getting to work on planning for the worst. As much as I can. Like who really has time like that these days to afford, in every way, extracurricular activities? You really got it like that? Or you just are riding on a hope and a prayer?

No judgement. Do you. But I’m too tired to keep on with the bullshit. And that’s all we’re inundated with and sick of these days: endless bullshit. 

It ain’t gonna change until we get serious about doing the work. You do you, but I’m tired of making excuses. 

So no, we can’t spend time together. Until I get mine like I damn well already should have done decades ago.

It’s embarrassing as shit when people half my age got what I want. Again, grace for myself because I probably didn’t have the exact cards they did. But how much longer, how many more decades, am I gonna sit around crying about what I can’t change? 

Either shit or get off the pot. Either do the work or shut up. That’s what I tell myself now.

There are real complaints. But are we gonna do something about it all? Or just keep crying while other people figure out how to win?

Blinders. 

Even this. Even my writing. I don’t know why this is my thing. I could spend another fifteen years sitting around trying to figure it all out before I let myself put anything more out. Or I could just roll with it. Like this.

And in that though, my job is just to write. I finally figured out my job is to stop trying to manage everyone’s perceptions of me and my writing. Doing so robs me of precious time and energy to be doing what I need to do.

God told me to quit worrying about what people think. How people feel about me. Just do me. Just live my life. Just take care of myself. Just do my writing. And let people have a problem with it. With me even. It’s really not my business. 

Do I care? Of course I care. That’s the trap. It’s so easy to choose because it comes from a good place. 

But reality is I only have so much every day upon waking up. And I gotta use what I have for other things. Versus spending all day ultimately failing in managing what people are going to think of me.

And on that note: blinders on and back to work.

(A very many endless thanks to Mrs. Dianne Rowton for sharing this with me over thirty years ago. ❤️)

Good morning, LORD. Thank you for assuring me of victory today if I will follow Your battle plan. So by faith I claim victory over _.

To prepare myself for the battle ahead, by faith I put on the belt of truth. The truth about You, Lord – that You are a sovereign GOD who knows everything about me, both my strengths and my weaknesses. LORD, You know my breaking point and have promised not to allow me to be tempted beyond what I am able to bear. The truth about me, LORD is that I am a new creature in CHRIST and have been set free from the power of sin. I am indwelt with the Holy Spirit who will guide me and warn me when danger is near. I am Your child, and nothing can separate me from Your love. The truth is that You have a purpose for me this day – someone to encourage, someone to share with, someone to love.

Next, LORD I want to, by faith, put on the breastplate of righteousness. Through this I guard my heart and my emotions. I will not allow my heart to attach itself to anything that is impure. I will not allow my emotions to rule in my decisions. I will love today by what is true, not by what I feel.

LORD, this morning I put on the sandals of the gospel of peace. I am available to You, LORD. Send me where You will. Guide me to those who need encouragement or physical help of some kind. Use me to solve conflicts wherever they may arise. Make me a calming presence in every circumstance in which You place me. I will not be hurried or rushed, for my schedule is in Your hands. I will not leave a trail of tension and apprehension. I will leave tracks of peace and stability everywhere I go.

I now take up the shield of faith, LORD. My faith is in You and You alone. Apart from You, I can do nothing. With You, I can do all things. No temptation that comes my way can penetrate Your protecting hand. I will not be afraid, for You are going with me throughout this day. When I am tempted, I will claim my victory out loud ahead of time, for You have promised victory to those who walk in obedience to Your Word. So by faith I claim victory even now because I know there are fiery darts headed my way even as I pray. LORD, You already know what they are and have already provided the way of escape.

LORD, by faith I am putting on the helmet of salvation. You know how satan bombards my mind day and night with evil thoughts, doubts, and fears. I put on this helmet that will protect my mind. I may feel the impact of his attacks, but nothing can penetrate this helmet. I choose to stop every impure and negative thought at the door of my mind. And with the helmet of salvation those thoughts will get no further. I elect to take every thought captive and make them obedient to CHRIST; I will dwell on nothing but what is good and right and pleasing to You.

Last, I take up the sword of the Spirit, which is Your Word. Thank You for the precious gift of Your Word. It is strong and powerful and able to defeat even the strongest of satan’s onslaughts. Your Word says that I am not under obligation to the flesh to obey its lusts. Your Word says that I am free from the power of sin. Your Word says that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. So by faith I take up the strong and powerful sword of the Spirit, which is able to defend me in time of attack, comfort me in time of sorrow, teach me in every situation in my life, and prevail against the power of the enemy on behalf of others who need the truth to set them free.

So, LORD, I go now rejoicing that You have chosen me to represent You to this lost and dying world. May others see Jesus in me, and may satan and his hosts shudder as Your power is made manifest in me. In Jesus’ name I pray – Amen.

I wish I could have gone to “church” on Easter Sunday. I get sad seeing everyone gathering and wishing I could be in community again.

It is my choice. I am stronger now than I was back when it all started. I think I could go back now. Just for the community. Just for the ability to celebrate God and not get looked at like a weirdo.

But these days I’m not religious enough for the religious people. While being seen as too religious for the non-religious folks.

I used to be so dogmatic. To the point that I’d even look down on other so-called “evangelical” and/or “protestant” “christian” communities. Because they didn’t 100% agree with everything I believed.

I cringe at that now.

Like of course this is a conversation. And anyone is welcome to participate. All are included.

You weren’t born knowing much. So of course you’re gonna have to work through some stuff. Seeing as those we were given to are understandably very human and working through their stuff also.

So I am not really hung up on theology. As weird as that is for me to hear myself say.

Because talking about God is clearly one of my favorite things. And my relationship with God is my everything. Is the bedrock of my existence. Is my compass for Life.

But I guess I am so secure now in who God is that I no longer have to police anyone else’s spiritual journey. I trust God to change their minds in due time.

I just write here for mainly myself. Because I need the receipts to see how far I’ve come. And so I won’t forget what I have been through. Because that’s important to me. To my identity when so much has changed. And I get weary of the process and how long it seems to be taking.

I am much more humble than I used to be.

People from my old world would say I am not “guarding my mind”. That I’ve let the “devil sneak in” and corrupt me.

And to that I say, well think whatever you want to think. It really doesn’t matter to me. Because one thing I know for sure: Life will catch up to you and humble you eventually. You can either take the hard way or the easier way.

Being humble enough to consider I might not know everything is working for me. I am still very insistent on what I believe – FOR MYSELF. But have been humbled enough to know not to worship ideology anymore. Not to worship even theology. As much as the constant definition of what God means to me is literally everything in my Life. I don’t feel “called” to force that on others anymore.

So I think I could go to almost any gathering of spiritual seekers now. Be they religious or not. I think there is probably something to learn from everyone. While I still believe community is the most significant point of gathering in general. And through that naturally comes clarification of values – super helpful for a society, in my opinion.

But one of the reasons I haven’t gone back specifically to my former religious community is that I definitely don’t feel welcome there. To the point that I fear for my physical safety based on the comments made by at least one on staff.

Also, in recent years the preacher and his wife have not responded to my communications. And I frankly deserve that. On some level. So I understand. They said no to me a hundred million times and I didn’t back off.

Ironic though that I learned that ignoring of consent by being in those communities. They constantly preach forcing Jesus and their religion onto people. So it was natural to me. To just keep harping on until we saw things the same way.

I cringe now when I think of all the ways I honestly didn’t respect people when they didn’t want to keep talking with me. Even if it was the best news ever. Even if I had nothing but good intentions.

I didn’t trust God to put us on the same page. Ever. Or when the timing was right – if it will ever be right again.

Sad as it may be, there are real consequences even if all you meant was well. Like, these people should know my heart.

But I have been like a bull in a china shop, so to speak. Relationally. Just fucking bulldozing over people’s boundaries in every way but physically.

And I hate that. I am embarrassed by that. I feel immense regret about that.

The worst part is I finally realize even reaching out to tell them I am sorry is breaking the boundaries they have communicated.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of calling everything autistic, but my dumb ass surely didn’t get it unless people told me directly. And in this culture, most people don’t communicate directly.

It’s been a very, very painful process for me to stop taking people at face value and instead pay attention to their actions.

I’ve had males and females say things about being a father or mother figure to me. But if they don’t act like a healthy parent then I am allowed to choose to disregard their words and respond accordingly.

At my old church, all the females would call each other “sis” all the time. I never did that. Because those words meant a lot more to me than they do to most people.

It took me a long, long time to stop holding people to the expectations I thought were inherent in the words they used. Like if someone calls me family, I have standards for that shit. Same if you tell me you love me. You can’t just call me “sis” one day and then ignore me the next. Or not try to at least work things out.

Granted, that’s my values. But all to say, I used to hold everyone accountable to that shit. When they clearly didn’t intend to sign up for all I thought they meant. Took me so long to figure that out.

But I also challenged people too much in the interim. To the point that many want nothing to do with me now.

If I had it to do all over again, I would basically ignore what people say for the most part. And just pay attention to how they treat me. And then I would shut up and remove myself if they start coming at me sideways. Not even with any judgement. Cause I get it: people got shit to work through. And that’s really none of my business.

Being bitter and resentful is a boundary problem. Fuck me over once: that’s on you. Fuck me over twice: that’s on me.

And I had no boundaries before. Almost zero. The only thing I cared about was kids not getting hurt. But other than that I had absolutely no idea that I even power to protect my peace.

I was raised in an environment where no one respected me. I wasn’t taught to be my own person. I was 100% groomed for service and servitude to others. It went against everything I was taught to validate myself and not be dependent on others.

And that’s where theology saved me. Once I got my mind straightened out about God. That Trinity was not some egomaniac monster in the sky, then I could say no to others.

Once I realized God Loves everyone – no exceptions – then I can completely let go when people start fucking with me and/or fucking up. It’s not my job anymore, and never was, to convince anyone of anything.

My only job is to take care of me. And take care of anyone I bring into this world. I truly believe that now.

All to say I fucked up too much with my old church community. There ain’t no fixing that shit without God’s intervention. And there’s no guarantee God will change their minds in this Lifetime. I have to be okay with that. I trust if that never happens for me then reunification with them was not for my or their best.

And not just my former church community. Everyone else also. I fucked up majorly with my exes. And many people I called friends.

I went from being a judgemental condemning zealot. To doing a 180° change. And then expecting everyone to just act like everything was cool. Like all the hurtful things I did and/or said before should just be quickly moved on from because I saw I was wrong and I was sorry and I wanted to do better.

That’s not how Life works, bro. Very unfortunately. Trust me.

In my excitement about the changes I’ve been through, I also didn’t respect them and their boundaries. I was way too exuberant. They said no and I just couldn’t understand it.

Mainly I thought once I changed for the better then I deserved what and who I wanted. Cause that’s how our society is setup in specifically school and work. You change, you get the benefits for the change.

But relationships don’t work like that. Sometimes people are done with you. Sometimes they’re completely done with your shit. Sometimes you’ve fucked up too many times. Or too much.

No matter if you meant well or not.

Now I understand consent. Clearly that was never communicated to me in my family or churches. And several scandalous folks who took advantage of my naivety.

But now I get it. When people say no then that means no. In all ways. Not just physically.

And I pay the price if I don’t respect that.

The good part being even if I lost others through my shit actions towards them, at least I finally found myself. Super high price to pay. But I am thankful I finally know I can also say no to people. That I deserve that as a basic human right.

Now, there are also times though when Life is just so short that I risk reaching out again. I’m okay with that. When I keep it to a minimum. Because despite all I’ve been through in Life, for some reason I am endlessly optimistic about certain things. Like as long ss God is Real then I feel like there is nothing too broken. That there is always hope.

And the absolute worst thing for me is to die without trying. To have the chance that the other person feels the same way but I just let fear rob us of years together.

So I hope they’ll forgive me for trying again every once in awhile. As much as I now respect if they don’t want to engage anymore.

Again, comes down to whether God sees it as best for us to be in each other’s Lives. I truly believe that now.

But with especially older people I no longer am holding myself responsible for doing all the emotional labor. That shit was killing me. Once I could identify how it related to my childhood.

So to keep my hard-fought sanity, I am no longer parenting people who are older than me. No. Absolutely not. Get it together with Jesus.

I spent too many years doing that. Completely lost myself in the process. And royally fucked up my boundaries. Not doing it anymore.

Just because we were all fucked up by generations before us doesn’t mean I want to perpetuate that shit. I feel much better about myself now that I let myself be my age as it pertains to older people.

I am so sorry nobody did the work for you, but I am not the one. Talk to God or a therapist, but I can’t reparent people decades older than me anymore.

So many more thoughts on all of this. Just touching the topics now. But will have to save the rest for other days. Real Life is calling – which is way more important than my endless thoughts.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not and never will be “normal”.

I think in essence being “normal” is a completely different thing than being “professional”. But in practice I think people think they are the same thing.

And that’s fine. People are entitled to the culture of their choosing. None of my business.

But I feel them looking down on me. Because of what I share. I’m sure many think it is too personal. That I am sabotaging my chances of ever having a “professional” career. That I am alienating myself from having certain friendships and being accepted into certain groups.

That’s fine. I’ve had to make peace with that.

I don’t think God wanted me so much to believe in Them.

I mean that’s pretty easy. Just take a few walks in nature. Just be on this planet for a short time.

No, I think God wanted me to believe in myself. That I have value exactly as I am. Without masking and performing enough to get picked first when it comes to corporations white-washing everyone. So as to squeak through on that tightrope of not possibly offending anyone. At least legally.

I never have been “normal”. That shipped sailed the minute I was conceived. It’s just taken me over forty years to realize it. 

When you spend actual time around those people, versus just seeing them from a distance, it’s glaringly obvious that they will always see you as an outsider. You will never fit in.

They were prepared for that life since before they were conceived. Their parents were raised a certain way. They were expected to pick specific partners. The narrative of their life was decided before they even had a chance to know of any other options.

And then here I come along. Being told that is what I need to aspire to. For what? 

For financial security?
For relational security?
For physical safety?

If I believe in The Real God then security in another’s approval is fallacy. It doesn’t exist. 

Sure, for a time. While they’re performing for you. And you’re performing for them.

I can’t take that masking anymore. Actually, I never could. That’s why I never lasted. 

When you’ve been through what I’ve been through, just existing enough to stay out of trouble is exhausting. I have no energy to try to keep up with whoever the Joneses are. Professionally. Or in religious circles. Or neighborhood cliques. Whoever. Whatever. Just impossible for me.

So, finally not doing it anymore. Just being me. Not chasing anyone’s approval. In the corporate world for a career. In the religious world for any acceptance. In the relational world for anyone to tolerate me.

It is what it is, bitches. 😁 

I know I’m far from the person I wish I was. But I know I am not a terrible person. I try so fucking hard every day to be better to myself and others. But if that’s not enough then so be it. It’s not like being alone is new to me anymore. 

And if I can’t enjoy myself and my own company then why would I expect anyone else to?

I’m embarrassed now. Although I have to give myself grace as I was doing only what I was taught to do. But I cringe looking back now at all the places and ways I tried to fit in. It must have been so obvious to them. Me basically the equivalent of an elephant trying to masquerade around in a ballerina tutu like no one is going to notice. Bitch, please. 

“Failure” in that sense is just a filter. For who really is interested in you. Heard someone say that recently. 

And I should be glad, right? To identify who is really down for me. Who has enough of their own to not be threatened by me standing out from the crowds. 

Not that I’m specifically trying to. It’s just what I was given to work with. Start with the physical huge boobs and then every level down from that. External to internal. 

There was never a chance.

For me to fit in by trying to be like everyone else. Specifically in the sanitized and sterilized corporate world. 

I left God completely out of the picture when it came to my career. All I did was try to make myself smaller – in every sense. Not even considering that maybe God knew exactly what They were doing when Life made me stand out.

I had to finally approve of myself. Finally accept myself. Finally have confidence in who I am and what I bring to the table.

If being “professional” means creating every barrier to providing actual customer service, then I don’t want to be “professional”. 

If being “professional” means building in product failure so we can charge customers for replacements sooner rather than later, then you can kiss my ass. I don’t want to be that kind of “professional”. 

If being “professional” means raping workers for every last cent while executives lick their lips on their yachts after raping kids then you can also kiss my ass. I don’t want that kind of “corporate”. 

If being “professional” means exploiting foreign labor and polluting the environment all in the name of quarterly bonuses, then I think you are a horrible human and I want no part of it.

Sorry, not sorry.

If I factor God into it then I have to believe I am not the only one. I have to believe there is someone out there that isn’t threatened by me talking about stuff online. By me having gigantic boobs. By me not being raised in the whole prep school plastic surgery yacht life. That good ol’ soap and water will do when it comes to giving a shit about how we actually treat people. Customers, employees, vendors, and competitors alike.

I just gotta be me. 

If that means I lose everyone I knew, even the ones I thought were closest, then so be it. At least I’ll finally have energy to enjoy my own company. 

I’m not a bad person just because I don’t fit into your little definition of what passes for “professional” for “corporate” approval. Real life is way more nuanced than that.

I have hope that there are others out there that will see and value me not in spite of but because of who I am. Scars and all. Who will appreciate the ways I stand out. Instead of recoiling at how I just by existing challenge the status quo.

Just know that I understand that there are multiple things going on at the same time. Layers to this shit.

So when I say people have failed me, that’s just part of the story. I understand more is going on than just the surface-level shit.

In a way, I gotta really thank many people for leaving me alone. I’m no Jesus, but Judas played the part he was expected to play. And so do others in our lives. 

I wasn’t strong enough to fight for myself. I didn’t have near the ego needed to stand up for myself in almost any respect. Only when it came to God and other people not getting hurt. Especially kids. 

So they needed to leave me. Because I never would have removed myself.

We are given these stories to watch. On television. In the movies. Where the happy ending a lot of the times looks like everyone reconciling. Skipping off into the sunset holding hands at the end. 

But I don’t think that’s how reality plays out. At least in my existence. 

What I have experienced is more akin to the largest part of the The Pilgrim’s Progress story. Where we are born being given a direction. And then God is going to bring along people throughout your life to join you at certain times on your journey. But not all people are meant to walk all the way with you. For an endless multitude of reasons. 

But the quicker you can let go of them when it’s clear there is no more alignment, the more you can stop torturing yourself by insisting things turn out a specific way. 

It’s not giving up so much as it is surrender. I’m allowed to have my very real emotions in response to not getting what and who I want. But at the end of the day I have to make the intellectual choice to trust that there isn’t a thing in the world that would be able to pull someone away from me if God wanted them to stay.

So really any beef to be had isn’t with that person who I perceived as not showing up. It’s actually with God. God did not see best to let what I wanted in the physical, in the interim, in the very short-term understanding I possess. 

It’s easier to be disappointed with a person than to be angry with God. Until you risk that trust. Until you learn God isn’t at all intimidated by my lack of understanding. By my very real emotions.

This should be common sense except that we are marketed to death by machines constructed to 24/7/365 convince us to abandon ourselves in order to submit ourselves to others’ stories. Those who have enough physical resources to resist God the most. 

Zoom out. Matter of fact, get off the damn screens altogether. Quit numbing out. Quit distracting yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Get to the damn point already. Talk to your Creator. Your real Father. About it all. 

Even rage. Even throw a fit. Trinity is not at all surprised. Or so fragile as to not be able to walk with you. There will be no retaliation. That’s a lie pushed by males who haven’t done their own work. Who created a false deity, even an idol if you will, out of all the ways other males didn’t show up for them.

It’s okay that you left me. As much as I wish things turned out differently. Because that means there is a reason it was best for me to be on my own.

I’m not smart enough to know it all. That’s God’s department. But when I ask for wisdom about these things. When I ask for Spirit to speak to my broken heart, to my confused mind: there is always “revelation” given that instantly gives me that peace beyond my natural understanding. That’s when we walk on the water of what our senses are limited to understanding. 

That’s when your trust builds. Your confidence in the goodness of God. When you cry out and receive those downloads of what’s really going on in the bigger picture. 

When you put on your spiritual big grrrl and big boy pants. When you humble yourself to the obvious: that this entire Universe is quick proof that there is so much more going on than we have the capacity to hold in our natural minds.

And yet it’s also so simple: Love. Just Love. And in this aspect, Love FOR us. All the time. No exceptions. Even when initially it’s difficult to understand. 

For me? At least when it comes to some mother figures and sometimes self-appointed religious leaders and preachers: seeds of healing were put in my heart and they needed to be protected so they could take deep root. That was not possible specifically because people loved me so much. They wouldn’t want to see me struggle through the surgeries God has been doing all this time in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul.

I needed them to give me space so I could hear God talk to me about Trinity and myself. So I could actually hear what I had been praying for all along. 

Because my default is, or was, to focus on everyone else. To put myself on the back, back, back burner. 

I’m not against anyone. Even the worst. Honestly. For what they did. 

But I finally value myself as much as I valued everyone else. 

And I finally am not dependent on anyone in the sense of thinking God can’t or won’t sustain me if someone walks away. Or if I feel it’s healthiest and/or safest for me to leave.

I couldn’t have learned those lessons without you “abandoning” me. I gotta actually thank you. Not even sarcastically. You walking away helped save me. Helped save my story. I’m no longer a child. I’m becoming a woman with more and more strength.

I have to admit what I have worked through. That’s the only reason I speak on things. Not to dog anyone. But because it’s been a lot. And I don’t want to lose all the work I’ve done. To remind myself.

And hopefully to help others. Even maybe someday you. Full circle if God sees fit.

I came back to the church one day. I was in the service. Talking to people afterwards.

I would have normally sat next to the preacher’s wife. Normally everything would be at least cordial.

But this time I felt the energy across the room. There was a tension. I no longer felt tolerated.

Eventually there was no avoiding each other. Not that I wanted to avoid her in any way. But I didn’t feel the energy was now reciprocated.

So at the same time we basically turned and acknowledged each other. It was awkward. As much as I was glad to be talking with her even under those conditions.

But in short order she got to the point. She told me I was causing division. I believe I asked her how. And I believe she told me by my writing.

To which I responded by asking her if she had actually read any of my writing.

She was at least honest in saying she had not read my writing.

And that was that. End of everything.

This woman who had at one point told me to tell my biological mother that she was no longer my full-time mom. That this preacher’s wife was now my full-time mom. And my biological mom was now my part-time mom.

No, you’re not stupid at all. I would never have returned after day one, where I met you – when you came to make sure I wasn’t being chased after by the wrong guy – if I thought you were at all stupid.

But it’s convenient to think and say that about yourself in order to not deal with EVERYTHING.

I was so disappointed. Yet again another woman, specifically another mother figure, failing me. Bowing out when shit gets a little too real.

Not really believing in God. In God’s Love for them. For me. Except for forgiveness. But definitely not for power.

And I have surely been there. That’s exactly what you miss out on when you don’t read my words. God teaching me day in and day out, decade after decade, how to not abandon myself. Even though everyone else has.

When I walked out of the church that night, I hated myself for even crying about any of it. I wanted to be stronger. Be emotionless. Keep it all cerebral. Still to this day I hate that I care more than they do. That no matter how hard I try, they play me for the fool.

But I regained my sanity when I finally let them all go. I’ll never stop caring. But I finally redirected that energy back to myself. To caring for myself the way I wish they cared for me. Honestly.

And not in a weird way either. But at least as genuine friends. Since clearly the whole momma thing meant much less than I knew then to expect. In terms of stepping up. In actually staying in the fight.

It’s alright. God’s got them just like God’s got me. I’m not happy how things went down. I’m probably dumb for speaking so candidly when I guess there’s still time if everyone is alive. At least on this side.

But I asked God when I left that day. Why she would make the choice to come at me without even giving my words a chance. God answered me clear as day: fear. That’s the main thing.

Fear that I actually might be right. Fear that then her whole world would implode. Everyone’s would. They knew long before and more than I did. Not stupid at all.

And that’s a HUGE ask when literally EVERYTHING in your life revolves around your dogma. If you change then there is a very real risk that you’ll lose everything.

I am proof. So far I have lost everyone and everything. From the top to the bottom and side to side. I can never go back, but honestly I don’t blame them too much for not picking my side based on how everything currently is, or maybe more specifically is not, for me.

But I think my suffering has been prolonged way more than it needed to be because all I did was work non-stop to ultimately fail in trying to keep everything from falling apart. Over ten years later and now I’d advise way differently: just let it all fall apart. Specifically because God’s got everyone involved.

She said one day something like one of her goals was to be comfortable. Well, until such a time as the pain outweighs the comfort. We can resist our healing but in my experience the invitations will never cease. And sometimes get so loud that you finally have no choice but to face what you’ve been running from.

Again, I understand. While at the same time being so frustrated.

That things, in my opinion, could be so much better. Watching them is like watching an addict. Banging their head against a wall over and over and over and over and over. With no power to stop these people I valued so much from hurting themselves and others. I eventually had to step away from it all for my own sanity. Even though I still grieve the loss of everyone almost daily.

Story of my life: falling for their words and not paying enough attention to their actions. Realizing I was clearly the one who was more invested. Having to forgive myself for yet again giving people way too much of myself. When they were long since done.

Embarrassing. But not a judgement of me. Because I thought of all places I could trust the words spoken from people who claim to be so close to God. Especially those in full-time “ministry”. Silly me. Finally now grown up. At least in that harsh reality.

I was the one with less power. They should have done better. Shouldn’t have thrown around important words so casually.

You live and you learn.

One thing I am proud of: I NEVER called you momma. My soul at least knew enough to let you earn that first.

And you didn’t. You still don’t.

I forgive you. But that’s a kind of trust that has been deeply, deeply broken.

It’s okay in eternity. But it’s not okay here in our time on earth. At least until such time as there’s any sign of effort on your part.

The door is always wide open for reconciliation. But they don’t seem to want it at all.

Sad at least for me. From my perspective.

The problem is fear. But also a lack of humility. The flip side of me not having enough self-worth was that I was more easily open to considering other perspectives. On even just a purely technical level. And that humility saved me.

Also a deep, deep belief that God had to be truly good. Even if I couldn’t understand the most difficult stuff. There were still enough times that I experienced what I considered Trinity stepping into my life. Even meeting y’all in the first place. And so many others. The mathematical probability of so many things just being coincidences was not realistic.

You can’t have it both ways. God the hero and then god the completely unreasonable tirant. Unless you want to continue to gaslight yourselves for the crumbs you’ve tried to settle for all this time.

Others who haven’t dealt with their shit will continue to lie to you. But not me. That’s the number one reason you all push me away. So you don’t have to face the truth. At least directly.

I’d rather just me and God talk things out. Then have all my healing put out on display and have to learn my lessons publicly. Had more than enough of that already.

They called it love. I used to think it was love. But now I know better. Maybe at times they had affection in their hearts for me. Maybe at times there were loving actions. Loving words.

But now looking back I feel like most of it was completely different than what I thought back then. I think I gave them way too much credit. Even after all the work I thought I had until that point done. My bad in some respects.

I was so innocent. And I miss that innocence. I am so sad that I have to see things as they really are now. Even as I’d never want to live in lies or delusion.

And to be sure, I think the majority are drinking the Kool-Aid. Just like Jesus said: I truly believe they don’t deeply know better. Because I used to drink the Kool-Aid also. I genuinely thought I was doing right back then also. I cringe now thinking about things I used to say and do. I wish there was a way to go back and do things differently. But there isn’t. All we have is this moment.

They make their choices. Day after day after day. And force me to do likewise.

The hope is that even if things don’t change here, at least I’m now convinced they’ll get resolved on the other side at some point.

I just wish I had true like-minded friends to celebrate with. That relationships would be restored – but even better than before. And that we could all enjoy what I now believe is the much better story of how things really are.

Trusting God to do the heavy lifting. Because Lord knows they’ve exhausted every last drop of Never Give Up strength I had.

At least I’m a better person for all the pain. But hate that so many of us insist on learning the hard way.