There’s no safety. Only strength.
There’s no scenario where the probability of no one ever letting you down is zero.
So, what do you do?
I finally get it.
Before my approach was to focus on removing all the pain. And the painful people.
But that completely depleted me. Isolated me almost 100%. It didn’t really work. Certainly not enough. I was so focused on identifying where the hurt was that I fell into exactly what I was trying to avoid.
Now I think I have a better approach. Instead of spending the majority of my energy focused on eliminating pain, I now am more focused on filling my tank.
I’ll explain:
Pain is inevitable. We only have so much control.
But when our tank of joyful experiences is so low, I think that pain hurts worse. I think it’s more difficult to find the reasons to keep fighting when the painful stuff is the majority of what we experience.
So instead of focusing everything on eliminating pain, I think it might be more helpful to focus on refueling our joy. In creating as much enjoyment in our lives as possible.
So when the bad stuff hits, it won’t be our main story. It won’t be so overwhelming. It won’t so easily crash our efforts of creating a narrative where there actually is good in the world. And in our lives.
It’s not denial. Denial says bad things don’t happen. That’s obviously false.
No, my refueling approach is different. It says let’s give people the benefit of the doubt. In that most people are trying to not fuck everything up. So engage with them at least while they’re doing good enough.
So that when they inevitably have hard times and don’t handle them well enough then we will have enough good experiences to not completely fall apart. To be able to weather the storm or move on without losing all hope.
To exactly be able to walk away if that’s what will keep us from going under also. But at the same time ideally with an abundance of other people we already know who are doing well enough. So that we don’t lose everything all at once.
It’s not delusional. It’s pretty smart. In my opinion.
To replace the Disney and Hollywood bullshit where people are primed to always expect a happy ending. That’s not realistic. In my experience. And more unkind to set people up for that. Than to be more honest with them.
I had to change my language to match my theology. I now believe that people will be in my Life as long as Creator sees fit. So I do my best. And work on leaving my heart open.
But I can only do so much. So I don’t chase people down anymore. I don’t insist on things working out how I’d prefer.
I’m sad, sure. But I don’t torture myself anymore. If they want to leave, then I give my best efforts before I let them go in peace.
While trusting whoever Creator has next for me will enter when the time is right.
Anyway, I was living for everyone else for so long. Almost all the time before. So it’s been long overdue that I invest in myself. That I stop trying to save everything and everyone else. Including all my relationships. And instead value myself enough to save me! If for nothing else than I’ll actually have something to give, something to contribute next time with new people or when the old come around again.
I don’t look for best friends anymore. I’m not looking for permanent “family” anymore. I don’t expect that there will be “the one” for life.
That’s not pessimistic. That’s just less painful than always being disappointed. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised. Than constantly crying about people being exactly what they are: 100% human.
That’s not to say I don’t have boundaries. Remember, the new goal is to refill and keep fueled my tank of enjoyable experiences. So I am focused on what and who brings me Life and Love.
Not that people can’t make mistakes. Of course they can. But what’s their pattern? And can I afford their screw ups based on what else is going on? Based on how full or not full I am of enough to weather whatever is their current storm?
I wish I had done differently before. Then I would now be in a better place to be more resilient to people’s shit. But it is what it is. The damn church taught me that martyrdom was some kind of super-spiritual goal. I don’t believe that anymore. Let God be God. I am not Jesus. I can barely do shit for myself. Much less save anyone else.
This is a better place for me. To hold onto especially people more loosely. I don’t have very many expectations.
And I finally understand it’s my responsibility to decide how much disrespect I can afford to accept. Some days we’re feeling much stronger. Other days it’s much less and I have to prioritize protecting myself.
It’s okay now. Even when it’s not. I let God handle everyone else. And just do my best. Don’t overthink it. Don’t need to figure out everything. Just let people be while doing what I need to handle me.
In peace I trust everyone to Creator. I no longer need a storyline that has specific outcomes. Especially for specific people. That is faith. That is full trust in a Creator I have done a lot of wrestling with. To not need to know. To trust Their heart.
I can let go. Without becoming despondent. Not heartless. Just hurt less.
Sarah Nyhan 