Sarah Nyhan

What if you REALLY can do whatever you want?

What if the only thing holding you back is your lack of commitment? Because you are waiting on God. And God doesn’t give a shit. God says do whatever you want – in Love. That Love is the point. Not some deterministic plan. 

What if you are just scared? What if you are trying to game the system instead of just embracing Life for what it is – absolutely messy! 

What if you’ve tied your identity to other people’s perception of your performance. And it is just that – a performance. Just like little kids playing dress-up.

Except now that you’re an adult, you don’t want to pay any price for not winning the game. 

Everybody wins all the time? That’s insane. THAT’S “crazy”. 

Not me actually trying. Not me actually giving a fuck. Not me getting to the end of my Life without anything left on the table. 

Do you – scared. 
Do you – perfectionist. 

For WHAT exactly?!

Exactly how do you define “success”? 
By your own standards and values? 
By the approval of others?
Which “others”?

The ones who value you genuinely being who you are regardless? Or the ones only interested if you submit yourselves to fulfilling a role they can exploit in some respect – socially acceptable or not. 

Is your identity tied so tightly to being intelligent? To being “right”? That you can’t be human like the rest of us?!

What if the people who actually give a shit never expected you to be perfect? They just expected you to try and to be honest.

What if your superiority doesn’t come from being smart and getting it “right”? That’s not what makes you better than the people who hurt you. Maybe it’s okay that you separated from those that hurt you regardless of whether they were doing their best or not. You don’t have to be perfect just to not be like them. 

But even if you also messed up. Even if you also still mess up. The difference will be how long you let it go on without fixing it. Not whether you fucked up in the first place. 

True, sometimes it’s too much. And too far. For too long. But does that still warrant opting out on Life for all of the rest of your time here?!

You want to get it right. What if there is no “right”?

You want to avoid pain. What if pain is inevitable?

You want God to show you some theoretical path to avoid pain and suffering. To avoid shame. To avoid the disapproval of others. To avoid embarrassment.

What if that doesn’t exist? 

What if God doesn’t define “success” by executing “perfectly”?

What if working out all the nuances to the decision is the point? What if the messy process of healing is the point? 

What if you coming into your own versus following Jesus around like a toddler is the point? Remember Legion? Jesus turned Legion away. Legion wanted to follow Jesus – wanted to walk with Jesus. And Jesus basically said, “No. You know enough. Go – peace be with you in whatever you do.”

What if the reason you are not reaching your dreams is because (1) you haven’t given yourself permission to really have them. And (2), you haven’t really committed. 

You keep waiting for “signs” from God. As if there is only one path and you gotta get it right or else everything is lost. What if God doesn’t give a shit? What if God will always partner with you in whatever you do? To work out whatever is going to be worked out. To bring your best to you in whatever you choose!!! 

That would be a good God!

God won’t give you any “signs”. (Matthew 16)
Or God will give you conflicting “signs”. (Matthew 19)

Just so you’ll STOP with the “signs” bullshit. 

Just so you’ll finally get tired enough to truly step into being a full human and actually invest in your Life. Actually decide what you REALLY want. And FINALLY commit!

Who ARE you!?

What do YOU want!?

Are you gonna keep being a scared little bitch and then blame God when nothing happens decade after decade? Or are you going to finally step up and full send this shit!? This awesome potential you have as a BE-LOVED child of the Almighty Creator you sing so many songs about!?

Is He just a king on a throne to be danced to? To entertain? 

Or could maybe Trinity actually give a real and amazing fuck about you going after as many of your dreams, with your God-given potential, as you desire!!

God doesn’t stop shitty people from going after and getting what they want. So why not you?

Or keep playing that martyr bullshit. Keep blaming God. Keep just sitting around singing and praying. Keep being paralyzed by fear when you claim God is so big – even the biggest. 

Keep being mad if I go get what I want while you don’t. I’m not sitting around waiting and crying with y’all anymore. Clock in! There’s pain and risk either way.

No matter how many times I try to give up, God always comforts me and then invites me to get back into the game.

What are we fighting for?

“Righteous are You, O Lord, when I plead with You;
Yet let me talk with You about Your judgments.
Why does the way of the wicked prosper?
Why are those happy who deal so treacherously?

‘…If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you,
Then how can you contend with horses?
And if in the land of peace,
In which you trusted, they wearied you,
Then how will you do in the floodplain of the Jordan?
For even your brothers, the house of your father,
Even they have dealt treacherously with you;
Yes, they have called a multitude after you.

‘…Many rulers have destroyed My vineyard,
They have trodden My portion underfoot;
They have made My pleasant portion a desolate wilderness.
They have made it desolate;
Desolate, it mourns to Me;
The whole land is made desolate,
Because no one takes it to heart.’”

(Jeremiah 12 NKJV)

At some point you just can’t be worried anymore. You just can’t be sad anymore. You just can’t be afraid anymore.

At some point they’ve taken all they can take.

I’m here now. Well, every time I say that there ends up being an even deeper level. But as far as who I used to be a long time ago – man!

I used to be afraid of everything. Especially losing. No, more specifically – being seen as a loser. A failure. Not fitting in.

I NEVER wanted to stand out. That wasn’t safe. At all.

But here we are now. On full display. No matter where I go. No matter what I do. Impossible to hide. To blend in. It’s obvious I’ve been to hell and back. Multiple times.

I’ve given up on being able to mask enough to act like the ones who will let me in. I’ll never be enough for them. I’ll never get it “right”.

Even if I dedicated the rest of my life to performing being another person. The white-washed, sanitized, safe version they think they’d prefer. Never. It would take everything in me all the time. And I don’t even have half of that to give even a little bit of the time.

This is me, bitches. This is me.

And I write because… I don’t know. Just because I feel like day after day I climb mountain after mountain. And writing is like taking a picture. It’s documenting a point in time that I think is important.

Especially as my mind has made so many changes over the years. Yes, I am kinda Sarah. But certainly not the one you maybe thought you knew.

I’ve always been on this quest for truth. For understanding what is going on.

I guess my goal is to help reduce people’s pain. My own included at the forefront.

And writing is kinda like breadcrumbs I leave along the way for others to pick up. Would be cool to see if these indulgent words of mine would ever help anyone else.

More so than me just going on and on.