Sarah Nyhan

(A very many endless thanks to Mrs. Dianne Rowton for sharing this with me over thirty years ago. ❤️)

Good morning, LORD. Thank you for assuring me of victory today if I will follow Your battle plan. So by faith I claim victory over _.

To prepare myself for the battle ahead, by faith I put on the belt of truth. The truth about You, Lord – that You are a sovereign GOD who knows everything about me, both my strengths and my weaknesses. LORD, You know my breaking point and have promised not to allow me to be tempted beyond what I am able to bear. The truth about me, LORD is that I am a new creature in CHRIST and have been set free from the power of sin. I am indwelt with the Holy Spirit who will guide me and warn me when danger is near. I am Your child, and nothing can separate me from Your love. The truth is that You have a purpose for me this day – someone to encourage, someone to share with, someone to love.

Next, LORD I want to, by faith, put on the breastplate of righteousness. Through this I guard my heart and my emotions. I will not allow my heart to attach itself to anything that is impure. I will not allow my emotions to rule in my decisions. I will love today by what is true, not by what I feel.

LORD, this morning I put on the sandals of the gospel of peace. I am available to You, LORD. Send me where You will. Guide me to those who need encouragement or physical help of some kind. Use me to solve conflicts wherever they may arise. Make me a calming presence in every circumstance in which You place me. I will not be hurried or rushed, for my schedule is in Your hands. I will not leave a trail of tension and apprehension. I will leave tracks of peace and stability everywhere I go.

I now take up the shield of faith, LORD. My faith is in You and You alone. Apart from You, I can do nothing. With You, I can do all things. No temptation that comes my way can penetrate Your protecting hand. I will not be afraid, for You are going with me throughout this day. When I am tempted, I will claim my victory out loud ahead of time, for You have promised victory to those who walk in obedience to Your Word. So by faith I claim victory even now because I know there are fiery darts headed my way even as I pray. LORD, You already know what they are and have already provided the way of escape.

LORD, by faith I am putting on the helmet of salvation. You know how satan bombards my mind day and night with evil thoughts, doubts, and fears. I put on this helmet that will protect my mind. I may feel the impact of his attacks, but nothing can penetrate this helmet. I choose to stop every impure and negative thought at the door of my mind. And with the helmet of salvation those thoughts will get no further. I elect to take every thought captive and make them obedient to CHRIST; I will dwell on nothing but what is good and right and pleasing to You.

Last, I take up the sword of the Spirit, which is Your Word. Thank You for the precious gift of Your Word. It is strong and powerful and able to defeat even the strongest of satan’s onslaughts. Your Word says that I am not under obligation to the flesh to obey its lusts. Your Word says that I am free from the power of sin. Your Word says that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. So by faith I take up the strong and powerful sword of the Spirit, which is able to defend me in time of attack, comfort me in time of sorrow, teach me in every situation in my life, and prevail against the power of the enemy on behalf of others who need the truth to set them free.

So, LORD, I go now rejoicing that You have chosen me to represent You to this lost and dying world. May others see Jesus in me, and may satan and his hosts shudder as Your power is made manifest in me. In Jesus’ name I pray – Amen.

I wish I could have gone to “church” on Easter Sunday. I get sad seeing everyone gathering and wishing I could be in community again.

It is my choice. I am stronger now than I was back when it all started. I think I could go back now. Just for the community. Just for the ability to celebrate God and not get looked at like a weirdo.

But these days I’m not religious enough for the religious people. While being seen as too religious for the non-religious folks.

I used to be so dogmatic. To the point that I’d even look down on other so-called “evangelical” and/or “protestant” “christian” communities. Because they didn’t 100% agree with everything I believed.

I cringe at that now.

Like of course this is a conversation. And anyone is welcome to participate. All are included.

You weren’t born knowing much. So of course you’re gonna have to work through some stuff. Seeing as those we were given to are understandably very human and working through their stuff also.

So I am not really hung up on theology. As weird as that is for me to hear myself say.

Because talking about God is clearly one of my favorite things. And my relationship with God is my everything. Is the bedrock of my existence. Is my compass for Life.

But I guess I am so secure now in who God is that I no longer have to police anyone else’s spiritual journey. I trust God to change their minds in due time.

I just write here for mainly myself. Because I need the receipts to see how far I’ve come. And so I won’t forget what I have been through. Because that’s important to me. To my identity when so much has changed. And I get weary of the process and how long it seems to be taking.

I am much more humble than I used to be.

People from my old world would say I am not “guarding my mind”. That I’ve let the “devil sneak in” and corrupt me.

And to that I say, well think whatever you want to think. It really doesn’t matter to me. Because one thing I know for sure: Life will catch up to you and humble you eventually. You can either take the hard way or the easier way.

Being humble enough to consider I might not know everything is working for me. I am still very insistent on what I believe – FOR MYSELF. But have been humbled enough to know not to worship ideology anymore. Not to worship even theology. As much as the constant definition of what God means to me is literally everything in my Life. I don’t feel “called” to force that on others anymore.

So I think I could go to almost any gathering of spiritual seekers now. Be they religious or not. I think there is probably something to learn from everyone. While I still believe community is the most significant point of gathering in general. And through that naturally comes clarification of values – super helpful for a society, in my opinion.

But one of the reasons I haven’t gone back specifically to my former religious community is that I definitely don’t feel welcome there. To the point that I fear for my physical safety based on the comments made by at least one on staff.

Also, in recent years the preacher and his wife have not responded to my communications. And I frankly deserve that. On some level. So I understand. They said no to me a hundred million times and I didn’t back off.

Ironic though that I learned that ignoring of consent by being in those communities. They constantly preach forcing Jesus and their religion onto people. So it was natural to me. To just keep harping on until we saw things the same way.

I cringe now when I think of all the ways I honestly didn’t respect people when they didn’t want to keep talking with me. Even if it was the best news ever. Even if I had nothing but good intentions.

I didn’t trust God to put us on the same page. Ever. Or when the timing was right – if it will ever be right again.

Sad as it may be, there are real consequences even if all you meant was well. Like, these people should know my heart.

But I have been like a bull in a china shop, so to speak. Relationally. Just fucking bulldozing over people’s boundaries in every way but physically.

And I hate that. I am embarrassed by that. I feel immense regret about that.

The worst part is I finally realize even reaching out to tell them I am sorry is breaking the boundaries they have communicated.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of calling everything autistic, but my dumb ass surely didn’t get it unless people told me directly. And in this culture, most people don’t communicate directly.

It’s been a very, very painful process for me to stop taking people at face value and instead pay attention to their actions.

I’ve had males and females say things about being a father or mother figure to me. But if they don’t act like a healthy parent then I am allowed to choose to disregard their words and respond accordingly.

At my old church, all the females would call each other “sis” all the time. I never did that. Because those words meant a lot more to me than they do to most people.

It took me a long, long time to stop holding people to the expectations I thought were inherent in the words they used. Like if someone calls me family, I have standards for that shit. Same if you tell me you love me. You can’t just call me “sis” one day and then ignore me the next. Or not try to at least work things out.

Granted, that’s my values. But all to say, I used to hold everyone accountable to that shit. When they clearly didn’t intend to sign up for all I thought they meant. Took me so long to figure that out.

But I also challenged people too much in the interim. To the point that many want nothing to do with me now.

If I had it to do all over again, I would basically ignore what people say for the most part. And just pay attention to how they treat me. And then I would shut up and remove myself if they start coming at me sideways. Not even with any judgement. Cause I get it: people got shit to work through. And that’s really none of my business.

Being bitter and resentful is a boundary problem. Fuck me over once: that’s on you. Fuck me over twice: that’s on me.

And I had no boundaries before. Almost zero. The only thing I cared about was kids not getting hurt. But other than that I had absolutely no idea that I even power to protect my peace.

I was raised in an environment where no one respected me. I wasn’t taught to be my own person. I was 100% groomed for service and servitude to others. It went against everything I was taught to validate myself and not be dependent on others.

And that’s where theology saved me. Once I got my mind straightened out about God. That Trinity was not some egomaniac monster in the sky, then I could say no to others.

Once I realized God Loves everyone – no exceptions – then I can completely let go when people start fucking with me and/or fucking up. It’s not my job anymore, and never was, to convince anyone of anything.

My only job is to take care of me. And take care of anyone I bring into this world. I truly believe that now.

All to say I fucked up too much with my old church community. There ain’t no fixing that shit without God’s intervention. And there’s no guarantee God will change their minds in this Lifetime. I have to be okay with that. I trust if that never happens for me then reunification with them was not for my or their best.

And not just my former church community. Everyone else also. I fucked up majorly with my exes. And many people I called friends.

I went from being a judgemental condemning zealot. To doing a 180° change. And then expecting everyone to just act like everything was cool. Like all the hurtful things I did and/or said before should just be quickly moved on from because I saw I was wrong and I was sorry and I wanted to do better.

That’s not how Life works, bro. Very unfortunately. Trust me.

In my excitement about the changes I’ve been through, I also didn’t respect them and their boundaries. I was way too exuberant. They said no and I just couldn’t understand it.

Mainly I thought once I changed for the better then I deserved what and who I wanted. Cause that’s how our society is setup in specifically school and work. You change, you get the benefits for the change.

But relationships don’t work like that. Sometimes people are done with you. Sometimes they’re completely done with your shit. Sometimes you’ve fucked up too many times. Or too much.

No matter if you meant well or not.

Now I understand consent. Clearly that was never communicated to me in my family or churches. And several scandalous folks who took advantage of my naivety.

But now I get it. When people say no then that means no. In all ways. Not just physically.

And I pay the price if I don’t respect that.

The good part being even if I lost others through my shit actions towards them, at least I finally found myself. Super high price to pay. But I am thankful I finally know I can also say no to people. That I deserve that as a basic human right.

Now, there are also times though when Life is just so short that I risk reaching out again. I’m okay with that. When I keep it to a minimum. Because despite all I’ve been through in Life, for some reason I am endlessly optimistic about certain things. Like as long ss God is Real then I feel like there is nothing too broken. That there is always hope.

And the absolute worst thing for me is to die without trying. To have the chance that the other person feels the same way but I just let fear rob us of years together.

So I hope they’ll forgive me for trying again every once in awhile. As much as I now respect if they don’t want to engage anymore.

Again, comes down to whether God sees it as best for us to be in each other’s Lives. I truly believe that now.

But with especially older people I no longer am holding myself responsible for doing all the emotional labor. That shit was killing me. Once I could identify how it related to my childhood.

So to keep my hard-fought sanity, I am no longer parenting people who are older than me. No. Absolutely not. Get it together with Jesus.

I spent too many years doing that. Completely lost myself in the process. And royally fucked up my boundaries. Not doing it anymore.

Just because we were all fucked up by generations before us doesn’t mean I want to perpetuate that shit. I feel much better about myself now that I let myself be my age as it pertains to older people.

I am so sorry nobody did the work for you, but I am not the one. Talk to God or a therapist, but I can’t reparent people decades older than me anymore.

So many more thoughts on all of this. Just touching the topics now. But will have to save the rest for other days. Real Life is calling – which is way more important than my endless thoughts.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not and never will be “normal”.

I think in essence being “normal” is a completely different thing than being “professional”. But in practice I think people think they are the same thing.

And that’s fine. People are entitled to the culture of their choosing. None of my business.

But I feel them looking down on me. Because of what I share. I’m sure many think it is too personal. That I am sabotaging my chances of ever having a “professional” career. That I am alienating myself from having certain friendships and being accepted into certain groups.

That’s fine. I’ve had to make peace with that.

I don’t think God wanted me so much to believe in Them.

I mean that’s pretty easy. Just take a few walks in nature. Just be on this planet for a short time.

No, I think God wanted me to believe in myself. That I have value exactly as I am. Without masking and performing enough to get picked first when it comes to corporations white-washing everyone. So as to squeak through on that tightrope of not possibly offending anyone. At least legally.

I never have been “normal”. That shipped sailed the minute I was conceived. It’s just taken me over forty years to realize it. 

When you spend actual time around those people, versus just seeing them from a distance, it’s glaringly obvious that they will always see you as an outsider. You will never fit in.

They were prepared for that life since before they were conceived. Their parents were raised a certain way. They were expected to pick specific partners. The narrative of their life was decided before they even had a chance to know of any other options.

And then here I come along. Being told that is what I need to aspire to. For what? 

For financial security?
For relational security?
For physical safety?

If I believe in The Real God then security in another’s approval is fallacy. It doesn’t exist. 

Sure, for a time. While they’re performing for you. And you’re performing for them.

I can’t take that masking anymore. Actually, I never could. That’s why I never lasted. 

When you’ve been through what I’ve been through, just existing enough to stay out of trouble is exhausting. I have no energy to try to keep up with whoever the Joneses are. Professionally. Or in religious circles. Or neighborhood cliques. Whoever. Whatever. Just impossible for me.

So, finally not doing it anymore. Just being me. Not chasing anyone’s approval. In the corporate world for a career. In the religious world for any acceptance. In the relational world for anyone to tolerate me.

It is what it is, bitches. 😁 

I know I’m far from the person I wish I was. But I know I am not a terrible person. I try so fucking hard every day to be better to myself and others. But if that’s not enough then so be it. It’s not like being alone is new to me anymore. 

And if I can’t enjoy myself and my own company then why would I expect anyone else to?

I’m embarrassed now. Although I have to give myself grace as I was doing only what I was taught to do. But I cringe looking back now at all the places and ways I tried to fit in. It must have been so obvious to them. Me basically the equivalent of an elephant trying to masquerade around in a ballerina tutu like no one is going to notice. Bitch, please. 

“Failure” in that sense is just a filter. For who really is interested in you. Heard someone say that recently. 

And I should be glad, right? To identify who is really down for me. Who has enough of their own to not be threatened by me standing out from the crowds. 

Not that I’m specifically trying to. It’s just what I was given to work with. Start with the physical huge boobs and then every level down from that. External to internal. 

There was never a chance.

For me to fit in by trying to be like everyone else. Specifically in the sanitized and sterilized corporate world. 

I left God completely out of the picture when it came to my career. All I did was try to make myself smaller – in every sense. Not even considering that maybe God knew exactly what They were doing when Life made me stand out.

I had to finally approve of myself. Finally accept myself. Finally have confidence in who I am and what I bring to the table.

If being “professional” means creating every barrier to providing actual customer service, then I don’t want to be “professional”. 

If being “professional” means building in product failure so we can charge customers for replacements sooner rather than later, then you can kiss my ass. I don’t want to be that kind of “professional”. 

If being “professional” means raping workers for every last cent while executives lick their lips on their yachts after raping kids then you can also kiss my ass. I don’t want that kind of “corporate”. 

If being “professional” means exploiting foreign labor and polluting the environment all in the name of quarterly bonuses, then I think you are a horrible human and I want no part of it.

Sorry, not sorry.

If I factor God into it then I have to believe I am not the only one. I have to believe there is someone out there that isn’t threatened by me talking about stuff online. By me having gigantic boobs. By me not being raised in the whole prep school plastic surgery yacht life. That good ol’ soap and water will do when it comes to giving a shit about how we actually treat people. Customers, employees, vendors, and competitors alike.

I just gotta be me. 

If that means I lose everyone I knew, even the ones I thought were closest, then so be it. At least I’ll finally have energy to enjoy my own company. 

I’m not a bad person just because I don’t fit into your little definition of what passes for “professional” for “corporate” approval. Real life is way more nuanced than that.

I have hope that there are others out there that will see and value me not in spite of but because of who I am. Scars and all. Who will appreciate the ways I stand out. Instead of recoiling at how I just by existing challenge the status quo.

Just know that I understand that there are multiple things going on at the same time. Layers to this shit.

So when I say people have failed me, that’s just part of the story. I understand more is going on than just the surface-level shit.

In a way, I gotta really thank many people for leaving me alone. I’m no Jesus, but Judas played the part he was expected to play. And so do others in our lives. 

I wasn’t strong enough to fight for myself. I didn’t have near the ego needed to stand up for myself in almost any respect. Only when it came to God and other people not getting hurt. Especially kids. 

So they needed to leave me. Because I never would have removed myself.

We are given these stories to watch. On television. In the movies. Where the happy ending a lot of the times looks like everyone reconciling. Skipping off into the sunset holding hands at the end. 

But I don’t think that’s how reality plays out. At least in my existence. 

What I have experienced is more akin to the largest part of the The Pilgrim’s Progress story. Where we are born being given a direction. And then God is going to bring along people throughout your life to join you at certain times on your journey. But not all people are meant to walk all the way with you. For an endless multitude of reasons. 

But the quicker you can let go of them when it’s clear there is no more alignment, the more you can stop torturing yourself by insisting things turn out a specific way. 

It’s not giving up so much as it is surrender. I’m allowed to have my very real emotions in response to not getting what and who I want. But at the end of the day I have to make the intellectual choice to trust that there isn’t a thing in the world that would be able to pull someone away from me if God wanted them to stay.

So really any beef to be had isn’t with that person who I perceived as not showing up. It’s actually with God. God did not see best to let what I wanted in the physical, in the interim, in the very short-term understanding I possess. 

It’s easier to be disappointed with a person than to be angry with God. Until you risk that trust. Until you learn God isn’t at all intimidated by my lack of understanding. By my very real emotions.

This should be common sense except that we are marketed to death by machines constructed to 24/7/365 convince us to abandon ourselves in order to submit ourselves to others’ stories. Those who have enough physical resources to resist God the most. 

Zoom out. Matter of fact, get off the damn screens altogether. Quit numbing out. Quit distracting yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Get to the damn point already. Talk to your Creator. Your real Father. About it all. 

Even rage. Even throw a fit. Trinity is not at all surprised. Or so fragile as to not be able to walk with you. There will be no retaliation. That’s a lie pushed by males who haven’t done their own work. Who created a false deity, even an idol if you will, out of all the ways other males didn’t show up for them.

It’s okay that you left me. As much as I wish things turned out differently. Because that means there is a reason it was best for me to be on my own.

I’m not smart enough to know it all. That’s God’s department. But when I ask for wisdom about these things. When I ask for Spirit to speak to my broken heart, to my confused mind: there is always “revelation” given that instantly gives me that peace beyond my natural understanding. That’s when we walk on the water of what our senses are limited to understanding. 

That’s when your trust builds. Your confidence in the goodness of God. When you cry out and receive those downloads of what’s really going on in the bigger picture. 

When you put on your spiritual big grrrl and big boy pants. When you humble yourself to the obvious: that this entire Universe is quick proof that there is so much more going on than we have the capacity to hold in our natural minds.

And yet it’s also so simple: Love. Just Love. And in this aspect, Love FOR us. All the time. No exceptions. Even when initially it’s difficult to understand. 

For me? At least when it comes to some mother figures and sometimes self-appointed religious leaders and preachers: seeds of healing were put in my heart and they needed to be protected so they could take deep root. That was not possible specifically because people loved me so much. They wouldn’t want to see me struggle through the surgeries God has been doing all this time in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul.

I needed them to give me space so I could hear God talk to me about Trinity and myself. So I could actually hear what I had been praying for all along. 

Because my default is, or was, to focus on everyone else. To put myself on the back, back, back burner. 

I’m not against anyone. Even the worst. Honestly. For what they did. 

But I finally value myself as much as I valued everyone else. 

And I finally am not dependent on anyone in the sense of thinking God can’t or won’t sustain me if someone walks away. Or if I feel it’s healthiest and/or safest for me to leave.

I couldn’t have learned those lessons without you “abandoning” me. I gotta actually thank you. Not even sarcastically. You walking away helped save me. Helped save my story. I’m no longer a child. I’m becoming a woman with more and more strength.

I have to admit what I have worked through. That’s the only reason I speak on things. Not to dog anyone. But because it’s been a lot. And I don’t want to lose all the work I’ve done. To remind myself.

And hopefully to help others. Even maybe someday you. Full circle if God sees fit.

I came back to the church one day. I was in the service. Talking to people afterwards.

I would have normally sat next to the preacher’s wife. Normally everything would be at least cordial.

But this time I felt the energy across the room. There was a tension. I no longer felt tolerated.

Eventually there was no avoiding each other. Not that I wanted to avoid her in any way. But I didn’t feel the energy was now reciprocated.

So at the same time we basically turned and acknowledged each other. It was awkward. As much as I was glad to be talking with her even under those conditions.

But in short order she got to the point. She told me I was causing division. I believe I asked her how. And I believe she told me by my writing.

To which I responded by asking her if she had actually read any of my writing.

She was at least honest in saying she had not read my writing.

And that was that. End of everything.

This woman who had at one point told me to tell my biological mother that she was no longer my full-time mom. That this preacher’s wife was now my full-time mom. And my biological mom was now my part-time mom.

No, you’re not stupid at all. I would never have returned after day one, where I met you – when you came to make sure I wasn’t being chased after by the wrong guy – if I thought you were at all stupid.

But it’s convenient to think and say that about yourself in order to not deal with EVERYTHING.

I was so disappointed. Yet again another woman, specifically another mother figure, failing me. Bowing out when shit gets a little too real.

Not really believing in God. In God’s Love for them. For me. Except for forgiveness. But definitely not for power.

And I have surely been there. That’s exactly what you miss out on when you don’t read my words. God teaching me day in and day out, decade after decade, how to not abandon myself. Even though everyone else has.

When I walked out of the church that night, I hated myself for even crying about any of it. I wanted to be stronger. Be emotionless. Keep it all cerebral. Still to this day I hate that I care more than they do. That no matter how hard I try, they play me for the fool.

But I regained my sanity when I finally let them all go. I’ll never stop caring. But I finally redirected that energy back to myself. To caring for myself the way I wish they cared for me. Honestly.

And not in a weird way either. But at least as genuine friends. Since clearly the whole momma thing meant much less than I knew then to expect. In terms of stepping up. In actually staying in the fight.

It’s alright. God’s got them just like God’s got me. I’m not happy how things went down. I’m probably dumb for speaking so candidly when I guess there’s still time if everyone is alive. At least on this side.

But I asked God when I left that day. Why she would make the choice to come at me without even giving my words a chance. God answered me clear as day: fear. That’s the main thing.

Fear that I actually might be right. Fear that then her whole world would implode. Everyone’s would. They knew long before and more than I did. Not stupid at all.

And that’s a HUGE ask when literally EVERYTHING in your life revolves around your dogma. If you change then there is a very real risk that you’ll lose everything.

I am proof. So far I have lost everyone and everything. From the top to the bottom and side to side. I can never go back, but honestly I don’t blame them too much for not picking my side based on how everything currently is, or maybe more specifically is not, for me.

But I think my suffering has been prolonged way more than it needed to be because all I did was work non-stop to ultimately fail in trying to keep everything from falling apart. Over ten years later and now I’d advise way differently: just let it all fall apart. Specifically because God’s got everyone involved.

She said one day something like one of her goals was to be comfortable. Well, until such a time as the pain outweighs the comfort. We can resist our healing but in my experience the invitations will never cease. And sometimes get so loud that you finally have no choice but to face what you’ve been running from.

Again, I understand. While at the same time being so frustrated.

That things, in my opinion, could be so much better. Watching them is like watching an addict. Banging their head against a wall over and over and over and over and over. With no power to stop these people I valued so much from hurting themselves and others. I eventually had to step away from it all for my own sanity. Even though I still grieve the loss of everyone almost daily.

Story of my life: falling for their words and not paying enough attention to their actions. Realizing I was clearly the one who was more invested. Having to forgive myself for yet again giving people way too much of myself. When they were long since done.

Embarrassing. But not a judgement of me. Because I thought of all places I could trust the words spoken from people who claim to be so close to God. Especially those in full-time “ministry”. Silly me. Finally now grown up. At least in that harsh reality.

I was the one with less power. They should have done better. Shouldn’t have thrown around important words so casually.

You live and you learn.

One thing I am proud of: I NEVER called you momma. My soul at least knew enough to let you earn that first.

And you didn’t. You still don’t.

I forgive you. But that’s a kind of trust that has been deeply, deeply broken.

It’s okay in eternity. But it’s not okay here in our time on earth. At least until such time as there’s any sign of effort on your part.

The door is always wide open for reconciliation. But they don’t seem to want it at all.

Sad at least for me. From my perspective.

The problem is fear. But also a lack of humility. The flip side of me not having enough self-worth was that I was more easily open to considering other perspectives. On even just a purely technical level. And that humility saved me.

Also a deep, deep belief that God had to be truly good. Even if I couldn’t understand the most difficult stuff. There were still enough times that I experienced what I considered Trinity stepping into my life. Even meeting y’all in the first place. And so many others. The mathematical probability of so many things just being coincidences was not realistic.

You can’t have it both ways. God the hero and then god the completely unreasonable tirant. Unless you want to continue to gaslight yourselves for the crumbs you’ve tried to settle for all this time.

Others who haven’t dealt with their shit will continue to lie to you. But not me. That’s the number one reason you all push me away. So you don’t have to face the truth. At least directly.

I’d rather just me and God talk things out. Then have all my healing put out on display and have to learn my lessons publicly. Had more than enough of that already.

They called it love. I used to think it was love. But now I know better. Maybe at times they had affection in their hearts for me. Maybe at times there were loving actions. Loving words.

But now looking back I feel like most of it was completely different than what I thought back then. I think I gave them way too much credit. Even after all the work I thought I had until that point done. My bad in some respects.

I was so innocent. And I miss that innocence. I am so sad that I have to see things as they really are now. Even as I’d never want to live in lies or delusion.

And to be sure, I think the majority are drinking the Kool-Aid. Just like Jesus said: I truly believe they don’t deeply know better. Because I used to drink the Kool-Aid also. I genuinely thought I was doing right back then also. I cringe now thinking about things I used to say and do. I wish there was a way to go back and do things differently. But there isn’t. All we have is this moment.

They make their choices. Day after day after day. And force me to do likewise.

The hope is that even if things don’t change here, at least I’m now convinced they’ll get resolved on the other side at some point.

I just wish I had true like-minded friends to celebrate with. That relationships would be restored – but even better than before. And that we could all enjoy what I now believe is the much better story of how things really are.

Trusting God to do the heavy lifting. Because Lord knows they’ve exhausted every last drop of Never Give Up strength I had.

At least I’m a better person for all the pain. But hate that so many of us insist on learning the hard way.

What if it had nothing to do with you being a preacher?

What if making money was never the problem?

What if this was all just so that you could learn to actually Love your wife? Instead of just seeing her as a tool? 

And while we’re at it, everyone else.

What if you could have that old lifestyle back as soon as you choose? The enjoyable parts. That it has actually been completely up to you this whole time. 

That the only thing holding you back is how you see and treat your wife? Others. And yourself. 

And while we’re at it, your Father.

That it all stems from how you were treated. By those that could have done a lot better.

That there is no need to stand at a pulpit hour after hour after hour. Week after week. Year after year. 

That you could actually be enjoying yourself. Your retirement years.

Are you even able to tolerate the feeling of being in a relationship where you don’t have any power over someone else? 

Are you even able to tolerate the feeling of being in a relationship where there is no expectation that the other person is there to serve you in any capacity?

You wouldn’t have to go to anymore funerals. No more weddings. 

You could actually get up every morning and do whatever you want. For however long you want.

Without holding anyone hostage. 
Without having to manipulate every situation.

Let go. Let God.

You don’t preach a Loving Father because you won’t let yourself experience One. 

I know. I get it 100%. This is not me daring to foolishly speak because I haven’t Lived it. And am not still in it.

For some it takes exhaustion. And even losing everything. 

You are so lucky. You have squeezed by so long. But it’s all hanging in a precarious balance. You know as well as anyone that you’d be completely lost and everything would fall apart if the people tolerating you walked away. 

Trust me, bro. Sometimes God lets it happen. Absolutely nothing will be spared for our healing. Not even the most sacred. To us at least.

I’m that Ezekiel. That’s my foolishness. But I gotta get it out or I feel sick.

Or maybe not. Maybe for me also. First judged for how I treated others. Then this long and painful spiritual surgical operation to fix how I treat myself. 

Maybe I don’t have to speak words either. Maybe my desert rounds will end when I learn to shut up and focus on treating myself better. Actually trying. Actually getting invested again. 

Actually not giving up. When the temptation is so great to stop participating.

Which God do we actually serve? Did the best part already pass us by? I refuse to believe that’s how God works.

You want to end better than you started? Me too. But I don’t think it’s gonna happen without asking the hard questions. Without doing the work.

Crowns at His feet. For we know we’ve been “dragged”, so to speak, more than we ran to catch up. While at the same time acknowledging that God actually won’t do it without our consent. Which is why it has taken this long.

If it’s not the end then that means there’s still better to be had. Will you give up? Or do the work?

Number one: it’s relationship. Not religion.

You spend too many hours staring at the screens. Doom-scrolling. Just one more hit. A casino for your mind. Maybe one day you’ll win the jackpot.

So you don’t have to face your feelings.

Okay, I’ll be one of the first to confess. Before it becomes cool. Or popular. Here it is: I think I lost the last thirty years of my life to the Internet. And that is fucking sad.

I know too much information.
But I lost all common sense. 

And it’s not just the cell phones. Maybe it started even with books. Then radio. Then television. Anything to keep the feelings away. Anything that will distract. 

Our brains, man. I think they are hard-wired to avoid pain. Even when doing so kills us. Survival is the body’s goal. Not thriving. Seems like.