Sarah Nyhan

Taking Up Space

Writing

  • See Yourself

    (I posted this content on my YouTube channel, but I age-restricted the video due to mild references to adult content. So the video is not able to be embedded. Please click this link to watch the video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vKo6Oj9qBIA)

    I don’t think people talk about this because of what I assume are primarily false feelings of shame. So, let’s go there.

    In my second book, The Trial, I wrote a little bit about porn. How it manifested in my life when I was younger. And then some insights I gained about it when I was older.

    And in that discussion, I talked about how I think many times people are trying to see themselves in the person in the porn or in the person they are having sex with.

    So I was thinking about that a little further this morning. And while there are many that are trying to find a part of themselves that was lost after rape, as just one example, I think there there is another segment of the population that never experienced violence associated with sex. So, what are they looking for?

    This isn’t going to apply to everyone, but I started to wonder if maybe there is a big group of people who are looking for the last time they felt good about themselves. In the eyes of the person they are fucking. Or the person in the porn. Now, this gets kinda twisted, but there is no condemnation. So hold on while I try to explain.

    The thoughts that came to mind were about M.I.L.F. porn. I’ve never understood that genre. But then it occurred to me this morning – maybe the last time a man felt truly good about himself is when he looked into his mother’s eyes. Maybe that’s the last time he felt powerful – like he could conquer anything in the world. Because his mother told him so or treated him as such. Maybe that’s the last time he experienced unconditional love. Maybe that’s the last time he loved himself. Valued himself. Thought he was worthy. Wasn’t scared.

    And so it’s maybe not so much about the sex. Maybe it’s just wanting some connection with the person he was back when he felt his best. Not that he wants to fuck his mom. Not at all. But when this older woman looks at him as something valuable in the moment. She desires him. She chooses him. Maybe for a second, there is a similar-enough feeling that he can see in her eyes. And it tells him he’s enough. A drug. Validation. Confirmation. Hope.

    Take it a little further. Is it any wonder then that some men will run through dozens if not hundreds of women in their lifetime. They’ll find that look of adoration. Of affection that they don’t have for themselves. They’ll see it in a new woman. And they’ll chase that high. Because they are outsourcing self-love. I’m sure completely unconscious of it probably most of the time.

    They’ll say, “Oh, this relationship didn’t work out because of such and such.” And yeah, maybe it got to that point. But what is the bigger pattern? Is it that this person woke up and decided they wanted to do life with you – and you weren’t ready? You have just been going from one mirror to the next. To try to find yourself first.

    What if the only way out is to love ourselves?

    And then that brings up a lot of other different things to think about. Like, why are we holding ourselves hostage?
    Why won’t we give ourselves permission to be okay?
    Whose standards are we judging ourselves by?
    Are those even our values?
    Or did we just adopt them unconsciously over the years?
    Can we give them up?
    Would that mean we would need to distance ourselves from people that we love and people we want to love us?
    What stories are we telling ourselves?
    Are there other people out there that would value us even more – if we gave ourselves permission to look or wait for them?

    Not to mention, do we even believe God loves us? And not just theoretically, but personally. If God actually liked you just as you are, how would your view of yourself change?

    And what if it’s okay if you don’t like yourself right now? What if it’s okay that you don’t respect yourself right now? That once you accept that and give yourself some grace, then you can decide to change some things so that you can like who you are. Maybe your discontentment with yourself is an invitation only to reach for more and something better. Versus a death sentence.

    Same thing if you are jealous of others. Just take it as an invitation to another party. That you are growing up and the old doesn’t fit well anymore. You are getting stronger. It’s not about them. It’s about you actually starting to value yourself more. Saying, “Hey, I deserve better, something more.” But it’s not their job to give it to you. Especially not to give you theirs. I believe jealousy is just an invitation for you to go get your own. If you like their house, don’t take theirs – go figure out how to get your own. Yeah, that’s going to take changes. It’s going to probably involve leaving people behind. But you wouldn’t want it if you weren’t strong enough to have it. Generally speaking. Probably the rule more than the exception.

    So yeah, that’s my initial thoughts on this. Probably a lot more to flesh out, pun acknowledged.

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  • Warrior

    I imagine a lot of soldiers deal with this. Where you wake up one day and start to wonder, “What the hell are we fighting for?”

    How do you go back? After all you’ve done. That’s why they recruit you when you’re young. Before you know any better.

    What if we all refused to fight? Is that idealistic nonsense? Bullshit?

    Lately I’ve been hearing people say that the negative is necessary. Basically that you can’t know the light without darkness. But is that just something we tell ourselves in an effort to not feel so overwhelmed?

    Who are you fighting for? Are they on the ground with you? Are they in the front, leading the charge? Saying, “Follow me. Do what I do.”

    Or are you a bullet sponge? Taking the hits they don’t want to take. Keeping them and theirs safe at the expense of you and your loved ones. Generations of fallout. For what? For simply their comfort?

    Did they tell you this is the only way? Is it really though? What if all this time, money, and energy was directed at finding a less combative approach? All these people’s lives?

    Or is peace truly dependent on who can become the most feared?

    It is no surprise to me. A shame-based paradigm. Where perceived lack drives decision-making.

    And yet, this is the day. This is my life – maybe the best use of my time. Versus “out there”.

    You had an identity. You had a cause and a mission. It gave your life meaning. Emboldened you to not back down, to keep pushing.

    You fought for everything and everyone except yourself.

    Who is really fighting for you?

    They treat you as if this is your only value. For so long that you forgot who you were without them.

    Remember her? Way back when. Did she smile? Did she laugh a little lighter?

    I see the pain on your face. I hear the anger in your voice.

    You get to decide what you are fighting for. “Comfort”? To what extent? Are you really dependent on them or dependent on God?

    I found out when all I had was God.

    There is no fear in perfect love.

    You get to decide. It’s as simple as deciding not to engage, not to keep playing the game. But it’s not easy. It will feel like dying. It is a death. Maybe many.

    Is it worth it? You’ve been here for so long that you’ve forgotten what better feels like. But there are seven billion people in the world and you have not met them all.

    This heartache and rejection is a good thing. The hatred that boils up in you is a good thing. Telling you that there is more life out there for you to grab. If you’ll let yourself.

    And it’s not going to get better until you do. Because the whole Universe is conspiring FOR you. Without end. Even if you are so tired that you’ve resigned yourself to settle, the world is crying out for the real true you and is prepared to fight FOR you and your freedom the whole way.

    You get out of this alive, but what if you could REALLY LIVE?! Right now.

    We’re going to help you by not stopping until you have nothing left to lose.

    The hard way or the easy way?

    What if you can free yourself instead of just waiting out those you appear to be your captors? Could you live with that? What if the doors are already open and the chains are already broken? What if you are free even now to get up and leave?

    But that’s just the beginning. You will lose everything. Except this time it will be worth it. The most painful, more heartache than you’ve even yet imagined. But, in exchange for something real.

    You have to imagine it. You have to tell yourself a new story. A hundred thousand times a day. Every step of the way. THIS is the fight of and for your life. You don’t yet think you’re worth it.

    But one day. When you’re able to rest. To laugh again. To sit and enjoy the ocean view without an agenda. Without guilt and fear. Without that dark cloud, or maybe wall of sadness. Maybe even with Love and the most elusive of them all: pleasure.

    All of this is for you. Until you’re ready to value yourself. Then it won’t be necessary and will all go away. All the mountains of work will dissipate as if they never existed. You’ll look for the monsters and they’ll be long gone. Off to call others out of what harms them. Nothing to be feared.

    Even now, even if the mere thought is too much to leave, just breathe. See what happens. If you have to, and it is perfectly okay to take all the time you need, just make one decision at a time. But their anger will quickly rise up to try to keep you in line. They have years of practice.

    No need to be intimidated. those are all just helpful indicators to identify opportunities for internal healing. That’s how you embrace the pain. Ask what it is trying to show you and where it wants to take you.

    Pain comes to you in the middle of the ocean. It asks you to hold on so it can bring you to real peace. But you have to be willing to let go of what has been drowning you. And dream a little, a lot bigger. Maybe not for outer space just yet. It’s okay to start with something that feels more manageable.

    But just be warned, they know what’s up. They have always been watching you. They know your value, worth, and abilities more than you (for now). They bring you down and keep you close so you won’t leave them alone. How they treat you is how someone treated them. That’s how they tell their story. Of what happened.

    Do you see how the cycle repeats itself? If you allow it?

    I don’t want to minimize what is going to happen. There is a fairly good chance you will end up in a season of being all alone. Truly this time. But who is your God? Will Trinity not be doing something?

    The patient ends up in rehab for a very long time. Is it worth it? How much Life could be waiting for you on the other side? Calling to you constantly.

    The best thing you can do for them might be the thing they most fear. They might make you pay. But believe they’ll be watching. Expectantly waiting. To see if you make it. If it’s something they could ever see themselves doing too.

    For this you have been called. Special operations. There are enough of the other.

    This is no small thing. Maybe just the revelation and rEVOLution you’ve been longing for.

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  • Another One

    “Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill.”

    Oh my God. Another one. So cool.

    The thought came to mind of Jesus saying He came to fulfill the law. How many times have I heard that preached? And yet we gloss over it. We think Jesus meant He kept every law so we didn’t have to. We assume it means He lived perfectly as in keeping every law.

    A quick search tells me there are at least 613 laws, or commandments, in the Torah. Did Jesus fulfill every one of them? We assume so when the preacher tells us so. That that is what is meant when we say Jesus lived perfectly.

    But there are so-called positive commandments as well as negative commandments. Negative commandments are concerned with abstaining from something. While positive commandments are concerned with performing an act.

    Deuteronomy talks all about stoning people for so-called “sexual sins”. And yet we gloss over that so quickly. Did Jesus stone people for sexual sin? Did He fulfill every jot and tittle of the law that way?

    Remember the so-called “woman caught in adultery”? Did He stone her? Does that then mean that Jesus broke that law?

    What about the so-called “woman at the well” who was married multiple times and living with someone who wasn’t her husband? Did Jesus stone her? Does that mean He broke that law? That He did not lead a “perfect” life?

    I think that’s probably how the religious leaders thought. And maybe still think. Why they wanted to murder Jesus for claiming to be God. Because He wouldn’t destroy those they judged as more sinful than themselves. Taking the law into their own hands.

    So was this Jesus you worship, was He a liar? Did He really not fulfill the whole law? I mean those were just two things in the law. What about the rest?

    If you look at where Jesus’ statement about fulfilling the law is located in context, I wonder if it is yet another beautiful use of chiastic logic? And then that is the key to understanding what point He is making? I’ll try to explain.

    The verses about fulfilling the law are located in the sermon on the mount – which starts with the beatitudes that basically talk about how blessed you are if you are really in a merciful mindset versus a punishment mindset.

    Then Jesus seemingly switches gears and talks about how we are salt and light in the earth. For what? To go back to the law and show everyone how to keep it? Or are we to be salt and light in terms of showing people that it is possible and better to be merciful versus focused on punishment?

    Then the centerpiece of the chiasm: Jesus says He came to fulfill the law. Every drop. And tells us to do so also. And says you will be least in the kingdom if you teach others to break the laws. Even the laws about stoning people?

    I think the following verses answer that question. Jesus continues by explaining how how murder and adultery are more issues of the heart than issues of the hand.

    And I don’t have time now to go through them all on by one, but Jesus continues by talking about going the second mile, beyond the bare minimum that we judge as fulfilling law. And doing good to people who hurt you – saying that is being perfect like God is perfect.

    Continuing on by saying not to judge others – that that is the TRUE narrow way. I believe. Versus keeping every letter of the law – including stoning people.

    And then saying we will know the true keepers of the law by their love, basically. I think that’s what He was getting at. Which makes sense then when He talks about telling the religious people, specifically the religious people, that He will tell them that He never knew them. They come appearing as pious perfectionists, but what is in their hearts? Do they desire what Jesus desires? Or are they hell-bent on destroying His little bumbling lambs for every misstep?

    Jesus ended the sermon on the mount by descending down to us. The lepers. Rejected by the religious. He didn’t come down from the mountain and cast those people out. No, He proved His point by healing the leper. Going straight to the leper and healing him.

    Then He went straight to another outsider – the real law enforcement officer – the centurion – one of the higher positions in Roman law enforcement. The Jews would have been so upset by Jesus praising this high-level Roman military law enforcement officer. They viewed guys like this as the enemy. How could Jesus say that man had more faith than anyone in Israel? Surely it didn’t have anything to do with keeping the letter of the Jewish laws!

    And then the record continues with story after story of Jesus healing people. Over and over and over. I think that is the point.

    Jesus fulfilled the SPIRIT of the true “law”. That’s how He lived perfectly. Which is also why we never will. Because for one, most of us were taught just as the religious leaders were taught. So our real education as adults most likely involves a great unraveling – unlearning most of what we were taught.

    It’s okay. There is no condemnation.

    I wish I had time for more now, but I need to move onto life and living. But what great news! We are Loved. All of us. There is no fear in Perfect Love. Rejoice.

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  • You Have to Decide

    You have to decide that you want to live and be alive. I can’t do that for you. God knows I’ve already tried.

    I can help. Those who know me know that. I am all for you. I want you to succeed. But I can’t choose for you. I can’t make you choose life.

    You have to decide for yourself. You have to want it. Want more. Or at least take steps in that direction even if you don’t believe it right now.

    You don’t have to feel like doing it. You just have to start taking the steps. The feelings will catch up eventually. Maybe not how you want it to happen. But something good will be there for you.

    Make it a great day. In spite of. There is plenty, but make today better than yesterday. Do something. Anything.

    You have the power to bring more happiness into your life. But you have to choose.

    Will you do that today? Or will you keep sitting down? Demanding life conform to that same story you’ve been telling yourself for how long?

    No condemnation, but you get to choose. What will it be? What will we make of tomorrow? Will you do at least one thing different? At least try? Or will you give me another million reasons for why you refuse to move and try something new?

    What if God is for you? Does that make any difference? Honestly? Isn’t there still always hope if that is true?

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  • Silence

    It really hit me the other day when I was reminded that the Israelites waited over 400 years for a word from God before The Word was sent to them in flesh.

    How long did Abraham and Sarah wait in silence for Isaac?

    How long did Joseph wait in the prison in silence?

    How long did Moses wait in the desert in silence?

    And then our Jesus. Silent for three long days.

    Then the biggest things. Stories that are told now for how many years? All over. Probably multiple times a day for thousands of years. Pretty incredible if you think about it that way. Going from nothing to something so big that people are still talking about it thousands of years later.

    Will we trust that God still loves us that much? Is still very much alive and still very much cares? That we are not abandoned, but truly beloved children?

    What if God still wanted to show off for us today? Collectively and individually. For us. For me. For you. Is God still that big? Still that personal?

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  • Self-Love

    It really messed me up in a good way the other day when I heard that some people try to outsource self-love. Desperately. Holding everyone else accountable for loving them, but not holding themselves accountable for self-love. That hit deep.

    The more I think about it, the more important I think it is to prioritize taking care of your business. I mean one of the greatest commandments is love your neighbor as you love yourself. The order of the words seems to kinda put the neighbor first. But really, loving yourself is the first action.

    If I treat myself like crap, then it’s no wonder that I will not treat others well. If I don’t value myself, how can I really value another? If I put myself down and don’t have patience with myself, how long can I really be patient with another?

    Think of it like a gas tank. Even if I give away everything I have to others in the name of love, eventually I’ll run out. That’s what happened to me. I didn’t even know it until I hit empty. I have been recovering ever since.

    Cheerful giver. Giving from a place of abundance. Not putting myself in a place of poverty just to lift another up – like I used to do before. Does God give from a place of abundance or a place of lack?

    I think in general the problem is learned helplessness. If you were never encouraged or were even actively discouraged from loving yourself, and you had to survive on the crumbs of affection that were given to you by others, or crumbs you had to earn through performance – then is it no wonder that it never even occurs to you that you have the ability to love yourself period – much less when others don’t.

    How and where do you start when you’ve never done a thing before? I am learning to start wherever the pain rears up. You get that moment of looking outside of yourself. Upset about someone not being there for you in some way. Or unhappy with yourself. And you start there. Acknowledge the disappointment. But then ask yourself what YOU want to do about it. Keep crying and complaining about it for how long? You can do that. Or you can make changes. Little by little.

    I’ve seen people sit and wait for decades. Sitting in rooms, distracting themselves with various forms of mind-numbing entertainment. Stewing in resentment. In my experience, these are some of the ugliest people. So desperate for control that they push everyone away. Ungrateful. And unwilling to do much of anything, especially if it will require long periods of discomfort, to change their situation.

    Do you want to be well? Get up and walk.

    Of course it won’t feel that easy. Any muscle that has been atrophied for so long will take a lot of work to get into any shape. But would you rather the alternative?

    You can do it.

    I asked God for a vision today. For new vision for the future since what I thought would happen crashed dramatically to the ground. No putting the spilled milk back where it came from. Gone. Finished. Unless God performs a miracle; which may not even be best.

    I felt like God said to me that there is no grand vision. There is no master plan. There is no perfect path. That this is all about relationship and healing. That I am a co-creator of sorts. That Trinity will work with whatever I give God. So I get to choose.

    Which brings up a whole huge litany of thoughts you don’t consider when you are simply looking at rules and figuring out boundaries. Let’s start with: why? Why will I choose what I choose? What am I aiming for? Temporarily pacifying myself? No condemnation, but what if there was more?

    This is where it requires less work to sit back and ask for less freedom. To go back to Egypt. What we’ve always known. Just to ease the anxiety of not knowing. Just to have a sense of security. Even if they are bars in a prison cell.

    What will you do? What if you can’t mess up so much because very little of what you think is this life matters once you are on the other side? Once this human experience is over? I’m reminded yet again that the only one who was corrected was the one who did nothing out of fear. The others planted seeds and were tangibly rewarded.

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  • More

    I don’t want to be sad anymore.

    I heard Steve Harvey talk about how you should purchase a first-class ticket on an airplane. He said you’ll realize how much better it is in first class. Then it will be really difficult to ever go back to coach again. And your brain will then start thinking creatively in order earn the money to pay for first class next time.

    I also heard another gentleman talk about how he doesn’t want to be the bigger person anymore. In the sense that if he is ALWAYS being the bigger person then it might mean that he is hanging around too many small-minded people.

    I can relate.

    There is helping people who are actually doing something with their lives. And then there is trying to drag people to healing who have no desire yet to change. They are comfortable in their misery. They have owned it, sat down, and setup shop in their shit. Decorated it and everything.

    Those people might parrot back to you what they think you want to hear. Maybe to try to get you to keep giving them something. But if you try to hold them accountable, be prepared for their fangs and claws to come for you.

    I did a good thing yesterday. I said no. To hanging out with a group of people that include at least one person that I genuinely care about but who has ignored me for years. With no explanation. Even when I reached out to them this year. Yet again.

    No, not going to put myself through that unnecessary hell. When my time could be better spent loving myself. Or investing in people that will show their appreciation for my efforts. I’m not talking worship; just basic respect.

    I remind myself that if these people were offered a million dollars, they’d get it together to show up and claim it. Or if it was their favorite person, they’d make the effort. They wouldn’t put on the clueless act then. They’d suddenly be able to get it together then. So yeah, no excuses.

    My problem is that I was listening to people’s words versus their actions. The words of some reach out to me maybe once a year. Acting like nothing. Like there is no big pink elephant in the middle of the room. But their actions say they checked out long, long ago.

    And that is really okay. Sad, but okay. I’d rather accept it and move on. Than do what I unsuccessfully attempted for decades: hold onto the potential I see in them and encourage them to go where they don’t want or are not ready to go. Instead of parting in peace and investing my energy elsewhere.

    I heard something a few days ago that messed with me in a good way. I heard that sometimes we pursue people in a way where we are basically looking to hire someone to love us. As in, we attempt to outsource self-love. Instead of taking the time to care for ourselves, we try to find people who will care for us.

    That isn’t to say we shouldn’t surround ourselves with people who love and respect us.

    But I think many of us were not given permission to be ourselves for so long that we forgot how to do that. We were treated as a part in other people’s lives for so long that we lost ourselves. Or never even had a chance to become someone.

    Even churches, employers, governments. Some, maybe even many, want to strip you. They value control and conformity over trust, respect, and freedom. I’m sure there is a time and place for certain standards. But how many times does it go too far?

    And then the poison keeps getting passed on. One to the other. Just to feel like you’re not alone. Just to try to quiet the sickening dissonance eating away from the inside. You think you’ll break if you didn’t have your distractions to pacify you.

    I say it quickly, but these are not little things. Maybe this is a big part in the everything.

    And I’m learning that people probably need to be met where they are. Not where we want them to be.

    Even with myself included. Where am I?

    The person who berates and dismisses me for what they see as me not trying to lose weight. Sure, it might look that way from the outside. But you have no idea what I’ve been through. You have no idea what all this weight means to me. What it protects me from. How it serves me.

    Until it won’t. Until it doesn’t. Until something else serves me better. Education. Equipped. Processed. Etc. Etc. Etc.

    So I have to be patient with others. Even if I don’t participate in what they do that is hurtful. I am able to forgive when I think of it that way.

    But I don’t have to save anyone anymore. That was the problem before. Instead of knowing I could relax and take care of me, I thought the only option was taking care of them so they’d hopefully take care of me.

    Good fences make good neighbors. Now I can tell you no and take care of myself. And let you have a problem with that or not. Because finally I understand and trust you belong to God, not me.

    Before, I had an impotent god whose hands were tied. He depended on me to get the jobs done. And it was on me if I dropped the ball.

    Now, I believe in greater Love. That is not wringing hands and hoping we get it right. No.

    This real Love meets me right where I’m at and invites me. To rest. To eat and be full. To enter healing. With no judgement and no condemnation. Not ever giving up.

    So I don’t have to try to be Jesus to anyone. I can just tell them what I have known and experienced. I can just extend the invitation to them. To see for themselves.

    And then I can go on living my life. Filling my own cup. So that yes, in true real gratitude, I will even have to give. With no strings attached.

    Their knower will recognize the difference. The shift.

    So I don’t want to be sad anymore. I am no longer glorifying suffering and misery across the board without any qualifications. No longer deifying everyone who chooses to martyr themselves for any old thing. Exclaiming how wonderful they are to endure so much pain. For what? Is it even necessary? Or best?

    No, no longer. What is the mission? What are we here for?

    What if real Life looks a lot more fun? Why were we never encouraged to considered that? Could there have been people who benefited from us staying small? From us not realizing how much there is waiting for us to step into?

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