Crushing

I’ll tell you what happens when you go there. Since you’re now strong enough to face it. Even if it’s just desperation that takes you here.

One of the things you learn, when you see how much God Loves you, is the sometimes abysmal failure of those that you have good reason to believe should have done likewise when you were usually so young and vulnerable. When you needed it most.

And seeing their failure in doing so can be absolutely crushing. The kind where you just want to curl up and disappear for a long time. Where your heart feels so shattered that you don’t think you can even move. Where sometimes even getting up to go to the bathroom feels like an impossible feat.

You sit there inundated with all the questions. So many questions.

Trust me, facing them head-on is the way out, the way forward. But in the moment, you’d rather do anything but. Anything but face those piercing revelations.

Maybe not even about what was – as your adaptive skills helped you find a level of comfort needed to navigate and move on from that. But once you start to realize what REAL Love actually is, and more importantly what it could have been for you, and what it is not – oh boy, that’s the real punch. The clean one two to your gut. Knocking you straight off your feet, almost down for the count…

…if God wasn’t 1,000% already in this with and for you. Not you in general, but specifically and personally you – the one reading this right now. I wouldn’t dare speak to your sacred pain otherwise. But since I wholeheartedly believe you are being led to your healing…

He was stripped naked. He was beaten. They made fun of Him mercilessly. They starved Him. They whipped Him. We don’t know if Jesus was raped, but He had sharp thorns forced into his scalp. He knows pain. He watched as those that He worked so hard for rejected and made what appeared to be nothing but a fool out of Him.

Jesus was tempted in those moments of excruciating pain. When almost the whole world was literally against Him. When their sickness had them preferring a criminal to the One who never hurt them. Jesus could have decided that his Father abandoned Him. He could have decided His Father didn’t care about Him. Just left Him out here suffering. After suffering. After suffering.

But that was the whole point.

Yes, He was here in human form for us. But also as us.

At the end of the day, when you cry out, He of all people understands if you’re mad. If you’ve had it.

Because this isn’t just one person. One experience. One year. One decade. No, you’ve been fighting this battle maybe your whole lifetime.

And you’re not stupid. No matter the mental gymnastics you try to do, your heart still says, “But WHY hasn’t God come through for me yet? All this time!”

I’d be remiss to attempt to answer that question for you. This is a dynamic human experience. We have the same parts, but different hearts. And what God speaks to me is my manna. You need your own. That’s the only Way. The only Life. That you have valiantly tried so hard to do without. To trudge forward in the face of so much. On your own. With so little.

You were one of the best. If anyone could have done it, surely you were in the running. Will you obsess over the performances you tried to do that were never needed in God’s “economy”? Will you keep climbing back up on crucifixes? Determined to barter all your effort in exchange for avoiding exposure? Even just between you and God?

This goes back to the beginning. Where if your parents were healed then we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You would be off living Life. Too happy to give my words any mind.

And that really sucks. The sadness. The anger. The rage. The longing. The feeling of being light years behind. Wondering if there’s any point. If the work is worth it this late in the game. When the thought of starting over is exhausting.

You don’t need me. Your heart needs bigger answers than I can give. But this is an invitation. Look how far you are. It’s overwhelming if you insist on trying to work your way back on your own. Alone.

Cry out. That’s my advice. With all that you are able to bring. Cry out.

I am fully confident that you are thoroughly Heard. Even without words.

I invite you to risk being honest.

“I was cast upon You from birth.
From My motherā€™s womb
You have been My God.
Be not far from Me,
For trouble is near;
For there is none to help.”

Selfish

Was thinking today that people with narcissist tendencies probably gaslit us into thinking that taking care of ourselves and having boundaries is incorrectly akin to being selfish.

On top of that, I think the religious people I was raised around then pushed that to the extreme. With phrases like “deny yourself” and “be a servant”. I’m sure a full study is warranted to probably most likely get a different perspective on their supporting verses now that my vision has been refreshed as it pertains to what I have experienced and currently believe.

But in any event, is it any wonder that people fail to thrive when operating under all of that? When they hear sometimes daily that they are basically a piece of shit. That’s what I was taught. A wretch. We even sang songs about it. And I was supposed to thank that god for not killing me.

And then somehow go out into the world and be successful with all of that hanging over us? And also love people?

Well that’s exactly why these tricks are preached. Because if you think the way to get acceptance is to work really hard to prove yourself to those drawing the line to measure you by, then that can be incredibly convenient for those that might have a huge conflict of interest in advising you in that regard.

What if loving others could instead be easy because it flowed from excess? From all your fears being washed away as you learned how much God Loves you, first. And then learned how to love yourself. Really like yourself. So that you didn’t need to manipulate or perform in order to obtain anyone else’s approval.

What if you were your own best friend apart from God? What if you knew you could count on yourself to never let you down? What if you took the kind of care towards yourself that you have wished maybe your whole life that someone would show you?

And I am talking to myself here. But if the shoe fits…

What if doing that was NOT narcissistic. But the bare minimum. And we were lied to. All this time.

I remember one time I realized that a preacher was telling me to do things he wasn’t even doing. A lot along the “servant”/”slave” lines. It’s one thing if the person you’re listening to is actually doing the thing they are asking you to do. But have you ever taken the time to really see them as just their actions reveal apart from their words?

Or is the hit of their unpredictable moments of approval and acceptance enough? Is it really everything you’re looking for? Far be it from me to discourage you if so. Have at it then. My words are for those this resonates with.

But fair warning, the journey through is a rebirth. A total transformation. Discarding layers and layers of lies. Picture those houses of hoarders. How they come in with shovels and fill dumpster after dumpster with petrified junk. That’s what your heart, mind, and spirit are up for if decide you’ve had enough of settling for so much less than you really desire.

What if Love is still out there? Waiting on you? To want it bad enough.

What if learning to value yourself is the first step in that direction?

REALLY!

Was feeling really defeated this morning. Just in the thick of it. In the weeds of process, of the journey. Big successes necessitate a lot of work sometimes. And I’ve been putting in the work for so long, years. On big, big fights in my life. Big huge precipices that I want to scale. And some days, like this morning, it feels like it is never going to happen. That I’m never going to get “there”. That the journey is an unnecessary waste of time. Not worth it. When I could just give up like so many others. Just lay down and drown myself in distractions.

But I didn’t come this far just to give up now. I didn’t go through so much work already just to give up now. I haven’t learned so much and experienced so much just to give up now.

In addition I have been having some significant physical pain that makes any effort seem like a marathon.

So, exhausted, I cried out to God, “You gotta help me. I’ve lost my motivation. I’ve lost my why.”

Felt the immediate urge to start writing. To specifically write down why I am doing all this work. What the end goal is. Or would be if I could have everything I want. Everything I REALLY want. Not just fear-based solutions for immediate pains. But long term, like if I had a ridiculously generous fairy godmother. If I could start over, what would I ask for?

And so for twenty minutes I got really specific. Reminding myself of my desires. Of the things in my heart that I’d get so excited to have. Or to do. Or to be. If everything was a possibility.

Because it is. Because my God is better than a fairy godmother. I think my God delights in me. And in you, also.

It might not feel like it right now. But surely you’ve experienced it before. Getting exactly what you wanted one time – at least?

So I am looking at these hard times as a few things. One is actually for my benefit. To help me refine my desires. For example, my fear-based mind will say, “I just want a studio apartment for less than $1,000 a month.” And then I think Spirit challenges me by not giving me that. Saying something like, “But is that what you REALLY want? Do you REALLY want to live in an apartment complex? Do you REALLY want to live in that area of town, in that city, etc. Do you even REALLY want to be a renter?”

And then as all those doors are blocked, the ones I am wasting so much of my time and energy trying to get, when I don’t even REALLY want them, when I’m just making those decisions out of fear, then I start to realize that in trusting God I can redirect all that energy towards what I REALLY want. Yeah, it might take time. But God is helping me not short myself.

And through that process, I get stronger and more confident. About what I want, about what I can do. I mean I just booked my first housesitting gig with a pool. Here these people are working so hard and God helps me find a way to live in really expensive houses for free. With now pools. Without having to pay anything. Without having to maintain or stress about the long-term responsibilities of ownership. I mean that’s REALLY cool! If I can tell my fear-based mind to shut up for five seconds.

Just an example. But during the twenty minutes I was writing specifically about what I want, there were so many other dreams. If we allow ourselves to open and peek through the vault we’ve protected our desires inside. They used to scare me, but not anymore. Now they are the key to getting me unstuck. Because I believe God cares about me that much. I am given the ability to create. And Trinity isn’t going to let me get away with giving up on all They know is available for me. At least, easily. To resist this is what I now consider kicking against the goads. Versus the very different perspective religion taught me; that wanted to completely strip me of my individuality. That told me I was wrong for wanting more of pretty much everything.

And to those people I say, I wish you could look at my twenty minutes of writing what I REALLY want. It’s not what I want to share right now as it is deeply personal. And believe it or not, I still keep most of my life private. But I’m comforted by knowing what I REALLY want is not some insanely debaucherous lifestyle at the expense of subjugating anyone. But actually quite the opposite. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. And I dream of having excess specifically to bless so many people. To contribute to the healing of so many. That’s my REAL dream. To do as much as I can to reorient people back to a better way. A worldwide hope dealer. šŸ˜

So I challenge you. Maybe you’ve never done it before. And I assure you it most likely won’t be accurate or complete the first time. In fact I think it might be a good practice to write down what we REALLY want every day or at least a lot more frequently. Because every time I do it, the picture becomes clearer. And I’ve done it dozens and dozens of times but even this time something new came up. A really cool big dream that had always been there for decades. But I never gave myself permission before to really think about it more. And when I did today, I got really excited. I started to see how it could really happen.

And THAT encouraged me. That gave me my motivation back. At least enough to get up again today. To fight all the reasons hounding me to just give up. And get back out there again. Take another few steps in the direction that is my best bet for REAL happiness and joy. Not just successfully distracted. Or waiting on others to bring me the life I want.

Amen?

What do YOU REALLY want?

A Good Thing

It’s easier, right? To pick between a “bad” option and a “good” option. But the pain for me comes when I have to pick between two “good” options. It really sucks. Having to say goodbye to something you want in order to have the bandwidth to be fully available to something else that you really want.

I wish I could do both. I’ve tried. But I’m not able to do either well if I don’t give up one. Some. And that really, really sucks.

In the past, the locus of control for my decisions was primarily outside of me. But after being freed from that thinking, now I am the one fully responsible. For cutting off and out of my life things that I really want in order to make room for things that I really want more. Both good choices. Just one over the other.

Because unfortunately I am very human and finally had to admit to myself that I don’t have what it takes to do everything I want to do. It now seems best to force myself to choose. Now that I realize I have the ability to take charge of my happiness. Now that I am not waiting on anyone else to rescue me.

2023 was the first year I switched to priority management versus time management. And it is really changing my life. I feel a lot more peace. And hope. But it comes with a lot of grieving. Saying goodbye to a lot of things that aren’t necessarily bad. In order to make room for what is best. As defined for me, by me. For the first time purposely.

Watching the show Hoarders really helped drive this home for me as that show is an example of extremes. Some of those hoarders have a lot of “good” stuff. But in aggregate, it is too much. It’s distracting from the bigger issues. Their inability to say goodbye literally imprisons them. Ruins everything.

I’ve had that issue also. Not so much with physical things. But with emotional and social attachments. In addition to digital assets.

There’s this thought that keeps people paralyzed: “What if I get rid of it and I need it again later?” Easier said with things. A lot more difficult when it comes to people. But there are a few questions that are starting to help me make those difficult decisions.

One is, “Is holding onto this thing or person bringing me more happiness or more sadness now?” This is really difficult to answer and face sometimes. When a thing or a person has been even one of your favorites in the past. But now because of either a change in it/them or a change in you, now that thing or person is becoming more harmful than beneficial.

There is a deep grief that I find myself having to face when I have to admit that things are different now. They aren’t the same as they once were. For years and even decades I have held onto mainly people who I didn’t want to give up on. Because of good times past, because of potential. But I found that I was sad all the time when I kept trying to live for the past. I found myself so alone and lonely. Sacrificing my present and future for uncertain hope that these people would ever change and we’d be in alignment again.

And it’s not a crime or a weakness to hope. I think that’s a mark of a person who cares a lot. But hope in your heart is different than paralyzing your entire life while you wait for someone to catch up.

I finally learned how to have hope in my heart while still living my life according to present circumstances and moving on. The only way is I have to in my mind give those people I’d prefer not to leave behind squarely in the hands of God. Because if Trinity can change me then They can change the ones I have to say goodbye to for now.

But intellectually understanding why I need to do what I need to do doesn’t help the grieving feel any less painful. Sometimes you want to scream out, “It’s so unfair!” Moving on doesn’t feel worth it sometimes even when you intellectually know down the road you’ll feel better. That middle space and time between sowing and reaping is not always sunshine and rainbows, not always fun.

But that’s what we do when we know better. When we start stepping into ourselves versus letting every little wind blow us around wherever, however. Sure, people will keep you around for a bit if you choose the alternative. But when you no longer serve their purposes, you will be unceremoniously discarded. At least that has been my incredibly painful experience.

So, no. No longer ignoring all the red flags. No longer spending time being entertainment for people who aren’t even going anywhere. Who are using me as a distraction because they don’t have a plan for their lives or their happiness. No matter how much I love them and wish that reality was something different.

They’re going to try all the tricks. To guilt or scare me back into place. But I just have to see it for what it is. Not really even that personal. Just the really unfun stuff of growing up. Of grabbing hold of all the best things that are out there for us. Trusting our healing and the healing of those we love into the hands of most-capable God.

At the end of the day, I am tired of delaying my happiness. I am tired of yesterday being able to steal my todays and my tomorrows. That’s all it really comes down to. Just wanting my life back. And realizing I might be waiting forever if I’m waiting for anyone else to give it to me. Finally deciding to go out and get it back myself. For me. For my sanity, my happiness, my joy, love, and everything else I’ve been desiring more of for so long.

Wish I Knew

The dreams of you always catch me off guard. I’ll go weeks trying to move on. And then out of nowhere. On a random morning. There you are coming back to mind. I always wonder if that means you are thinking of me. It’s too painful anymore to hope. But it would be so nice if so.

Doubly difficult because I dreamt of you before we ever really knew each other. And my dream came true then. So does that mean these dreams will also? Ugh, I wish I knew.

And oddly, the dreams come to me like a story. Each one evolving in a way from the last. And better. Which is only harder for my heart. That wants to hope so badly.

Each time there is more peace between us. And individually in us.

Each time you are here for me a little more. This time you told me what you needed from me. Which I so appreciate. Thankfully I did the right things in the dream after that.

I hope one day my dreams will come true. I hope one day I won’t need to dream of you because you’ll be coming to get me.