Dropping Gems #96

Music I’m listening to, discovered, or rediscovered.

Above & Beyond and anamē ft. Marty Longstaff – Gratitude
https://youtu.be/CF2ebEXi-cw

Cody Johnson – ‘Til You Can’t
https://youtu.be/IMt3UyuM1FM

God Over Money ft. Bizzle, Datin, Jered Sanders, & A.I The Anomaly – Payback
https://youtu.be/lK6sjcVDmv8

Louis Theroux – My Money Don’t Jiggle, Jiggle, It Folds (Duke & Jones Extended Version)
https://youtu.be/FSfRRBNPfFs

MØ, Rebecca Black – New Moon
https://youtu.be/S7ezS4Bnm7M

Metric – All Comes Crashing
https://youtu.be/_GesZGGvlNc

Phil Wickham – Worthy Of My Song
https://youtu.be/xC6YjpQSHBY

Slim Thug – Stop Me
https://youtu.be/QZWhUa-05nc

Vintage Culture & Goodboys – This Feeling
https://youtu.be/uJ6m44TRDxw

Whethan ft. Kamiyada+ – DON’T WORK LIKE THAT
https://youtu.be/qAdQwScnuiE

Allegorical Reality of the Donkey, Colt, and Jesus

I am someone who was in church even while I was in the womb. Only to say that when I listen to Dr. Kay Fairchild, I feel like a mere babe in the faith, as some say. I mean, I’ve watched and listened and spent probably thousands of hours studying the Bible and listening to speakers. Even more in meditation. And I feel like I know so little when I listen to Dr. Kay Fairchild.

Do not be intimidated. We are also invited to seek God and wisdom is also available to us in equal measure. And I’m learning that is where so many may fall short – searching the Scriptures, but neglecting to seek answers from God. I was there. Probably for the majority of my years. Again, no condemnation.

So that being said, this was another fantastic talk from Dr. Kay Fairchild. Blew my mind in the best way. So many questions I’ve had. My knower was resounding a very loud “YES!” Over and over. I don’t feel the need to qualify the information right now; I’ve barely taken it in myself. But I trust Spirit in you to lead and to guide for whatever is good to be healed. So, if you are interested, I dare you to give it a go – eat the meat and spit out the bones. 🙂

I was personally very encouraged. This week I decided I unfortunately needed to give myself even more distance from pretty much all the people that are still associated with the congregation I was a part of before this already included message transformed everything for me. And when I was making that decision, the following words of Jesus came to me: “Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”

After I made the decision, I communicated it and those words to another person.

Then I had the desire to listen to some of Dr. Kay Fairchild to refresh my mind, get it refocused. My version of not forsaking the gathering of the saints, per se. And how encouraged I was to then hear Dr. Kay Fairchild speak on those words from Jesus. Specifically those words. And then the surrounding message. Just a big hug from Trinity.

Of course I miss people. But even Dr. Kay Fairchild’s ending solidified the message for me: that I don’t have to worry about other people’s spiritual walk. That I can focus on my own life. And trust that Holy Spirit is ever calling and ever healing everyone else. In whatever time and whatever way works best for them. I can literally let go and by myself. I don’t have to worry.

I get so excited about experiencing God; I want everyone else to join the party! But I can rest. Everyone is already included. And everything will be okay in the end. I truly believe that. But I don’t think we’re anywhere near the end. Maybe even just beginning. So, just relax and trust God will bring people to me when the time is right. And it will be way more beautiful than if I try yet again to change their minds when they are not yet interested.

That might sound judgy, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m sad not to be able to rejoice with those I want to celebrate with, but I know I’m not better than anyone. I can only say that I am a seeker and not satisfied with pat answers. But even that only comes from having so many people prove themselves liars over the years. So even that isn’t my own.

So, on that note – for those that are interested in hearing Dr. Kay Fairchild blow your mind:
https://youtu.be/CK0HKXlXIRA 

(So ironic to me that early on when I was even a teenager, people introduced me to Kay Arthur. Two Kays. How interesting. A quick search indicates that Arthur means “bear”. And bears sometimes represent judgement in the Bible. And Fairchild means “beautiful child”. And Kay means “rejoice”. )

“the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Selah.

Silence

It really hit me the other day when I was reminded that the Israelites waited over 400 years for a word from God before The Word was sent to them in flesh.

How long did Abraham and Sarah wait in silence for Isaac?

How long did Joseph wait in the prison in silence?

How long did Moses wait in the desert in silence?

And then our Jesus. Silent for three long days.

Then the biggest things. Stories that are told now for how many years? All over. Probably multiple times a day for thousands of years. Pretty incredible if you think about it that way. Going from nothing to something so big that people are still talking about it thousands of years later.

Will we trust that God still loves us that much? Is still very much alive and still very much cares? That we are not abandoned, but truly beloved children?

What if God still wanted to show off for us today? Collectively and individually. For us. For me. For you. Is God still that big? Still that personal?

Wages Within

https://youtu.be/mYy_AU_7y2M

I have always been on a spiritual journey, but I experienced the most powerful awakening of my life a few years back. I wrote about it in my first book. But the awakening itself was just a crumb of the meal that awaited me thereafter. And the easiest part. By far. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. I know all about that. Night after night.

It amuses me now when people say that I am telling people they can do anything they want. As if that is going to let people get off without any consequences. Let me tell you, complete freedom has been the most challenging thing I have EVER wrestled with! The enormity of it is quite frankly almost debilitating. At least coming from how I spent all the formative decades of my life.

Literally my entire identity has been stripped. Even my purpose for being. Life was so easy when I had rules. So simple. For the most part. I could put people in boxes. I could lean towards making quick judgements. Not anymore! Not at all! Now I don’t even know who I am. And I don’t know who everyone else is. And I don’t even know that much about who God is.

Devastating. And yet the most beautiful experience at the same time. At least this road only leads to increased well-being and peace. Endless peace. But, the hell. So much hell. In the way there. So much. Basically everything I thought I knew, everything I did, everything. Absolutely overwhelming almost all the time.

I’m the kind that wants to face it, all things considered. I’d rather have the truth. Even if it feels like it will nearly kill me. But I’d rather that than lies. So I’m happy to be here. Even with all the pain and my shattered heart. But I understand now why God doesn’t just strip away everything we’ve ever known all at once. It would be too much.

I can’t say I’m pleased with where I am in the process. Intellectually I imagine all this is necessary and there will be a time that I can appreciate it more. And feel more hopeful. But right now, I have been in the thick of it for some time and it feels more like falling than flying. I think it is for that reason that Paul had to go away for a few years before he could come back and really maybe even be with people again. That’s how I have been feeling for much longer than I ever anticipated. I thought this was simply a theological intellectual change. But no, it has impacted what feels like every cell in my body and every molecule in my experience of the universe. Absolutely overwhelming.

I keep wanting to arrive. To get a break. To rest on some island to recharge. As I feel like I’ve been traversing an incredibly vast ocean of what feels like constant changes.

That’s the crux of it. Breaking down every little thing I didn’t even realize I had been trading for truth and real life. I thought I had an identity and a personality. How do you go forward completely new? In a world where people expect you to play certain parts that now feel so foreign to you.

I feel stuck in the inbetween. Yet, I believe God’s heart for me. This can’t be it. I truly believe my healing is available for me. I should say the next iteration of healing. As the layers are so deep. And the surgeon so precise.

I need to stop. I need to surrender my agenda. All those things I wanted. And thought I needed. Not that I have to lie to myself like before. I now know God welcomes my honesty. And I have been so angry, so frustrated, so sad, so full of desire for relief. For some semblance of comfort. There are moments, but they seem like just enough to get me going again. So I guess there is more to this journey. More to see. More to be.

I am totally at peace with acknowledging that I feel like I know less than I ever thought I did before. So ironic. The awakening where I lost all that I thought everything was happened at the height of my pursuit for control – when I was obsessed with graduating with a 4.0 GPA in college. I put so much pressure on myself to reach that milestone. And I laugh at it now. So ridiculous. An achievement, sure. But how I wish I had all the other answers to what seems to matter so much more.

And I’m not even sure that’s the point anymore. I see people who seem to not give these things a second thought. I see them really living. That verse or verses where it says for all their studying they pretty much still don’t get it. That was me 1,000%.

There were so many pivotal moments. But I remember realizing my ex-girlfriend with the devil tattoo is still to this day one of the best people I’ve ever known. Or the time when I let it slip that I was sleeping on my couch cushions on the floor of a new apartment because my old one flooded – and the only people who nearly insisted I come stay at their homes were people that didn’t go to church. People the church would look down on and try to badger with guilt to become the sons of satan they don’t even realize they can many times be. Even with the best intentions. I know. I was there at the front. Waving all the proverbial flags. Even, EVEN, towards those people who offered for me to come stay at their houses!!!!!! They forgave me and blessed me way befote it took me painfully long to see it. Good God.

I hope my audacity will be channeled to spreading what I now consider to be much better. I pray that. God, please help me stop hurting people. I meant well, but I was so wrong. That is hell. That is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Realizing that you hurt people that you thought you were loving. Realizing that you may not have the time and/or opportunity to ever make things right with people you loved and hurt. Realizing the years that were stolen from you by this dogma that was preached at you from before you ever breathed oxygen outside the womb. That is pain. That is hell that continues to burn. Those flames seemingly insidiously get hotter the more clarity you allow yourself to see. Realizing you can’t go back, that you have to live with the choices you made in your ignorance – that is HELL.

And yet only still for my healing. This pain turns me around. It helps me make decisions. All of it. Hopefully for better tomorrows. It hurts to hope for healed relationships day after day. I wrestle with how much of that my heart and health in many respects can endure. But even if I must move on without them, I can choose differently with the new people I meet.

How much of this is me? Is us? Is you? What if there is no master plan? Sometimes I miss the days where I was so damn black and white. There was an immature sincerity that was much more digestible in that severe simplicity.

This is what fear does to you. To me. To us. It calls for a base survival brain. Versus the truth of the galaxy of amazing and terrifying possibilities that I so flippantly previously did not have reason to entertain.

So yeah, tread lightly my friend. This freedom business certainly feels like handing a pistol to a toddler. I can’t do it on my own. And of course, that’s the point all along. Relationship. Realizing I was and am never alone. Realizing Love is always there. Holding me as I struggle to take whatever is the next step. Overjoyed at even my wrestling. At all the tries I mistake as failure. Cheering me on. Even when I get frustrated and express myself accordingly.

Beauty is such a fantastic responsibility. I feel so honored and humbled at the same time. Feeling so loved and scared out of my mind.

I would have to say I remain in a state of awe. We are the holy ground; each other. I am Jesus to you and likewise. How can I possibly do that on my own? I can’t; that much is obvious by the current state of distress many of us sense as what feels like collectively we act as if we are disconnected from our Creator.

I am NOT advocating a return to what killed us before. That was toxic. But Good still remains. Yes, please Holy Spirit, we will have some more. Much more. Please, God, get us all through this. To the other side. To whatever is next. To what is better than what we try to do without Trinity.

I need to ask more. Ask where I am stuck. Ask what the healing is. Listen. And look for Love. Ask to see. Ask to hear.

I am welcome. I do not have to do anything on my own. It doesn’t have to depend on me.