Was thinking today that people with narcissist tendencies probably gaslit us into thinking that taking care of ourselves and having boundaries is incorrectly akin to being selfish.

On top of that, I think the religious people I was raised around then pushed that to the extreme. With phrases like “deny yourself” and “be a servant”. I’m sure a full study is warranted to probably most likely get a different perspective on their supporting verses now that my vision has been refreshed as it pertains to what I have experienced and currently believe.

But in any event, is it any wonder that people fail to thrive when operating under all of that? When they hear sometimes daily that they are basically a piece of shit. That’s what I was taught. A wretch. We even sang songs about it. And I was supposed to thank that god for not killing me.

And then somehow go out into the world and be successful with all of that hanging over us? And also love people?

Well that’s exactly why these tricks are preached. Because if you think the way to get acceptance is to work really hard to prove yourself to those drawing the line to measure you by, then that can be incredibly convenient for those that might have a huge conflict of interest in advising you in that regard.

What if loving others could instead be easy because it flowed from excess? From all your fears being washed away as you learned how much God Loves you, first. And then learned how to love yourself. Really like yourself. So that you didn’t need to manipulate or perform in order to obtain anyone else’s approval.

What if you were your own best friend apart from God? What if you knew you could count on yourself to never let you down? What if you took the kind of care towards yourself that you have wished maybe your whole life that someone would show you?

And I am talking to myself here. But if the shoe fits…

What if doing that was NOT narcissistic. But the bare minimum. And we were lied to. All this time.

I remember one time I realized that a preacher was telling me to do things he wasn’t even doing. A lot along the “servant”/”slave” lines. It’s one thing if the person you’re listening to is actually doing the thing they are asking you to do. But have you ever taken the time to really see them as just their actions reveal apart from their words?

Or is the hit of their unpredictable moments of approval and acceptance enough? Is it really everything you’re looking for? Far be it from me to discourage you if so. Have at it then. My words are for those this resonates with.

But fair warning, the journey through is a rebirth. A total transformation. Discarding layers and layers of lies. Picture those houses of hoarders. How they come in with shovels and fill dumpster after dumpster with petrified junk. That’s what your heart, mind, and spirit are up for if decide you’ve had enough of settling for so much less than you really desire.

What if Love is still out there? Waiting on you? To want it bad enough.

What if learning to value yourself is the first step in that direction?

Wrestling with Blaspheming

I woke up this morning thinking about how in most cases failure isn’t fatal. Unless you take yourself out of the game. Unless you bench yourself. Unless you let shame and pride keep you from the mercies most don’t even need to think twice to extend. Because bumbling as they can be, people love you. Their acceptance of you wasn’t ever based on thinking you were perfect.

But somehow then the verse about blaspheming the Holy Spirit came to mind. Probably because that story is commonly labeled by men in your Bibles as the one unpardonable sin.

So am I wrong? Is that a failure that is fatal?

And what does that even mean? Blaspheming the Holy Spirit? I’ve never felt like I understood what that meant.

Lots to unpack.

So I started thinking about the word “blaspheming”. What does that word mean?

I used to think it meant taking God’s name in vain. Like saying, “God damn it” or “Oh my God!” But now I don’t think it’s that trite. Although maybe in damning people we find a clue to the greater truth.

As I now believe that adultery is actually believing something different about yourself than what God believes about you.

Coupled with the verse about it would be better to drown in the ocean than lead any little ones astray… maybe blaspheming really means to say something so false about God or another that it would cause someone to turn away from Trinity, themselves, or others most likely out of false fear that we induce?

Could that be it? But it seems like there is more to it. Why couple specifically Holy Spirit with blasphemy?

Maybe the key is in the rest of the reference. Where Jesus said that if you blaspheme Holy Spirit then you will not be forgiven. Hmmm, what does that mean?

Forgiven. Forgive.

I no longer believe in a Father who eternally literally barbeques His kids if they mess up even one time. I’m settled on that.

I also no longer believe in a Creator who punishes in the sense of arbitrarily causing pain as retribution for missteps.

But I do now believe in a Father who is not content to let us continue in any separation. For OUR sake, not His ego. And in that end will allow us to take on the pain we insist on carrying if doing so will get us to the next stage in our healing.

So how do I reconcile all that with a God who says that if you blaspheme Holy Spirit then you won’t be forgiven? Maybe I don’t understand forgiveness? Maybe I need to also revisit forgiveness in terms of what I now believe?

Because I no longer consider sin a behavior that fails to meet the requirements of some morality laws. I now think of sin chiefly as ignorance. A perception problem versus a behavioral failure. Where you get confused about how to see God, yourself, and others. And then yes, the symptoms that produces can be a whole big host of mess. The repercussions of which will, in the genius of God, ultimately drive you right back around to healing. And thereby wholeness. No reason to fear wrath and judgment when framed in that context.

So if we don’t believe in a God that ever gives up on us, then what does Jesus mean when He said you won’t be forgiven if you blaspheme Holy Spirit?

I think back to The Garden. Where God said that in their dying they would die. I was taught that verse as one of the cornerstones of the hell and punishment arguments. But I now think people read more into it than is actually there. I’ll try to explain.

Think of when a parent tells a child, “Don’t touch the stove or you’ll get burned”. And let’s say the child ignores the parent, touches the stove, and gets burned. Then turns around and says, “My parent burned me.” Understandable coming from their child mind. But incorrect. The parent never burned the child.

I think the same can be said of us and that verse back in Genesis. God tells us that if we forgo Trinity’s direction for a happy life, then we will experience the hells of the ensuing natural consequences of our decisions. Which are themselves still redeeming and healing because they will ultimately drive us back to what we don’t yet realize will best bring us what we sometimes don’t even really know we truly need and want.

But we don’t listen. Because we’re kids. And that’s what kids do. No condemnation.

But we misread it all to think God told us, “If you mess up, I AM going to burn you.” Versus the natural consequences playing themselves out without God’s help. Just like the kid who touches the stove.

Does that make sense?

I only harp on it because maybe this whole time we’ve also been reading wrong what Jesus said about blaspheming Holy Spirit? In that it was maybe incorrectly taught to us that Jesus or God would not forgive us for blaspheming Holy Spirit. When it doesn’t say that at all. At least in the English translation. We imply it, but it’s not said.

So if in Genesis it is sin that will kill us. Not God. Then is it the same in the New Testament with forgiveness? Who or what is doing the un-forgiving? Is it us? Is it others?

And why is it so important specifically with Holy Spirit?

If God doesn’t have a courtroom or a literal eternal barbeque pit that we need to avoid. If God isn’t the one condemning us. If there isn’t a divine punishment to escape, to pardon. Then how should we see forgiveness? And why is it so important?

Especially in terms of blaspheming Holy Spirit?

As my view of the Bible is being healed, thanks in great part to John MacMurray, I am now learning to read it literarily versus literally. So I see The Garden back in Genesis as a metaphor maybe of our minds. Although I am open to it also being something that happened literally. But even then more on purpose as a picture for us.

And then also God has been showing me time and time again that the purpose of the Bible, which I now refer to as an invitation to relationship, is to chiefly tell us about Trinity and our relationship to Them, ourselves, and each other. Versus being used as an accurate historical account of everything contained. Or a rulebook that we should read literally.

So now when I come to these difficult verses, Spirit over and over helps me break out of the old thinking that was ingrained in me. Helps me let go of holding so tightly to what I never questioned before. And revisit each verse with these questions instead: Is this trying to tell me something about how Jesus sees us, how we see God, how we see ourselves, or how we see others? And that’s where the door opens to so much comfort as only Trinity provides. Complete peace in regard to so many Bible verses that used to torture me.

So is it the same with forgiveness? And blaspheming Holy Spirit? Have I been missing the Love in these verses this whole time? Is it actually so much simpler? So much more easy? Than the self-righteous performances we were repeatedly taught to force on ourselves and everyone else?

Holy Spirit, please help me see. Please help us grab hold of all the beautiful Freedoms I sense eagerly awaiting to embrace us on the other side of our breakthroughs about these things. And now, specifically this. For so much more than we were unknowingly taught to settle for in times past.

Any Wonder

What on earth would ever lead me to believe that God, my Father, would provide for me? What example could I possibly look to for any hope in that respect?

No wonder I picture a god lounging up in heaven, kicked back, eating grapes. Unbothered by any wrath his negligence may have me walking through. Doling out blessings to others, but not to me. Whoever will pay him lip service. 

I was never the kind to suck dick or kiss ass in order to get something. At least I can say that. But more importantly, that also goes back to God. I find myself feeling resentful. Real talk. Not wanting to approach. Dreading that there will be something I’ll have to do to get whatever He has to give me. Also learned that from others.

So I hang back. Dreading. Fear. This fucked up theology from the popularized “church”. Just like they told the people of old. That bad things will happen to you if you don’t “follow god”. And then if you take that as seriously as it implies, you spend all your damn time on edge. Checking, double-checking. Testing. Worried. What if you missed something? 

Was that Job’s mentality? Is that the point of that story? The real beginning of the Bible? That if we just get the formula right, then we’re good, right? Then god will open up his coffers and we can actually enjoy life?

I look to the people that still attend the church I used to go to. I don’t see them enjoying life at all. Most of the examples I can think of. There is this dread and fear hanging over them. I used to be there. This shell of a person. So focused on every thought and behavior. So “sin”-conscious. Completely consumed. 

We used watered-down words like “discernment” or “testing the spirits”. But it was all based on fear. Power and control. Of life, situations, and even God.

And let me be clear, this was taught from the very top. Prolifically. Obsessed.

Ridiculous. But I was there also. And I understand how it happens. 

But hey, why don’t you start telling me about Jesus? Maybe teach me about Jesus? Maybe you could fathom a universe where God could be bigger than my weaknesses, my failures, and the shitty examples that filtered down into me before I even had a chance to think for myself?

Oh, but that’s right – you had shitty examples too. No wonder my healing journey led me to them. As long as I wanted to play that game.

What if this whole time Spirit has been driving me to the point where I can say no to God without fear? What if that has been the real point all this time? All these years? Decades. 

What if the whole point of all of this has been to get me to the point where I feel confident and comfortable with deciding what I want to do and going forward without fear? Knowing that either way, I am fully Loved and I will always be fully Loved. Knowing that God is happy with me. That God wants to see me create. 

What if you had grown adult children that came back to you every five minutes to ask for your approval on every decision they made? Think about how that would look practically?

“Dad, should I pick the blue color or the black color? Dad, should I eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Dad, are you going to be mad at me if I choose to listen to this over that?”

Can you imagine? Your adult child would have to be calling you every other second. Would you get tired of it? What would you tell them?

Maybe, “I love you, child. I will always love you. I am more interested in seeing what you want. I want you to be free to create the life you want. I trust you. I’m here to help you if anything doesn’t work out. And even when it does. But, go; feel free. You have my blessing.”

When ego isn’t driving.

So, I finally stopped. I took a big risk. Monumental. I told God “no”. And I told God exactly what I wanted. And I am going for what I want. Now without fear. Now confident that God fully Loves me no matter what. Free to finally enjoy this life.


(This content is also available on my YouTube channel:

Lately it seems to become more apparent to me that people need an experience of Jesus more than knowing about Jesus.

I’ve talked until people have stopped listening and turned the other way. It hasn’t worked. I’ve told so many people. Out of my excitement. Wanting to celebrate especially with those that I love. But it hasn’t worked. Nobody has listened. Really listened.

I think the only thing that’s going to break through is Jesus. So I am starting to specifically pray that people will experience Jesus.

We see this sometimes. I think of a video of Jordan Peterson brought to tears. Surely if a man could know about Jesus, then it would be that man. I can’t speak for him, but something has changed. Did he have an experience with the real and living God?

I’ve done all I can do. I’ve worn myself ragged. It hasn’t worked. They need Jesus. We need Jesus.

When is the last time we prayed to experience God? At the level where it registers. Where we can hear. And hopefully see. Where our heart is undeniably quickened.

This God is still alive. This God is still able to do the miracles we heard of in times past. This God is still very interested in us. As interested as always. God hasn’t retired. God isn’t just sitting back and playing Sudoku while the world burns up in flames.

Some things survive the fire. Some things are purified by fire. But even that isn’t the point.

I think of Jesus. Waiting for Lazarus to be dead in the grave. Not just lukewarm. But cold. Is that what is happening now? Is Jesus letting us get to the end of ourselves? Is our failure actually factored in? It was before. With Judas and the rest. God didn’t count on their faithfulness. Quite the opposite.

Does that mean there is still hope for us? I wish there would be a revival in the sense that people across the world would just put down their efforts and look up. Just admit that we didn’t get this one right. And ask for God to intervene. To fix all of this. To help us see and hear in such a mighty way that at least these current generations would be hard-pressed to deny.

Science hasn’t brought us joy. Intellectualism hasn’t brought us beauty. Moralism hasn’t awed us awake.

We need You, Jesus. Loud and clear. Bright and warm. We need You, God. We need You, Trinity.

You love us, I am now sure. The coin doesn’t lose its value just because it is lost. Please help us see again. Please help us hear. Please help us love.

We need a resurrection.