Any Wonder

What on earth would ever lead me to believe that God, my Father, would provide for me? What example could I possibly look to for any hope in that respect?

No wonder I picture a god lounging up in heaven, kicked back, eating grapes. Unbothered by any wrath his negligence may have me walking through. Doling out blessings to others, but not to me. Whoever will pay him lip service. 

I was never the kind to suck dick or kiss ass in order to get something. At least I can say that. But more importantly, that also goes back to God. I find myself feeling resentful. Real talk. Not wanting to approach. Dreading that there will be something I’ll have to do to get whatever He has to give me. Also learned that from others.

So I hang back. Dreading. Fear. This fucked up theology from the popularized “church”. Just like they told the people of old. That bad things will happen to you if you don’t “follow god”. And then if you take that as seriously as it implies, you spend all your damn time on edge. Checking, double-checking. Testing. Worried. What if you missed something? 

Was that Job’s mentality? Is that the point of that story? The real beginning of the Bible? That if we just get the formula right, then we’re good, right? Then god will open up his coffers and we can actually enjoy life?

I look to the people that still attend the church I used to go to. I don’t see them enjoying life at all. Most of the examples I can think of. There is this dread and fear hanging over them. I used to be there. This shell of a person. So focused on every thought and behavior. So “sin”-conscious. Completely consumed. 

We used watered-down words like “discernment” or “testing the spirits”. But it was all based on fear. Power and control. Of life, situations, and even God.

And let me be clear, this was taught from the very top. Prolifically. Obsessed.

Ridiculous. But I was there also. And I understand how it happens. 

But hey, why don’t you start telling me about Jesus? Maybe teach me about Jesus? Maybe you could fathom a universe where God could be bigger than my weaknesses, my failures, and the shitty examples that filtered down into me before I even had a chance to think for myself?

Oh, but that’s right – you had shitty examples too. No wonder my healing journey led me to them. As long as I wanted to play that game.

What if this whole time Spirit has been driving me to the point where I can say no to God without fear? What if that has been the real point all this time? All these years? Decades. 

What if the whole point of all of this has been to get me to the point where I feel confident and comfortable with deciding what I want to do and going forward without fear? Knowing that either way, I am fully Loved and I will always be fully Loved. Knowing that God is happy with me. That God wants to see me create. 

What if you had grown adult children that came back to you every five minutes to ask for your approval on every decision they made? Think about how that would look practically?

“Dad, should I pick the blue color or the black color? Dad, should I eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Dad, are you going to be mad at me if I choose to listen to this over that?”

Can you imagine? Your adult child would have to be calling you every other second. Would you get tired of it? What would you tell them?

Maybe, “I love you, child. I will always love you. I am more interested in seeing what you want. I want you to be free to create the life you want. I trust you. I’m here to help you if anything doesn’t work out. And even when it does. But, go; feel free. You have my blessing.”

When ego isn’t driving.

So, I finally stopped. I took a big risk. Monumental. I told God “no”. And I told God exactly what I wanted. And I am going for what I want. Now without fear. Now confident that God fully Loves me no matter what. Free to finally enjoy this life.


(This content is also available on my YouTube channel:

Lately it seems to become more apparent to me that people need an experience of Jesus more than knowing about Jesus.

I’ve talked until people have stopped listening and turned the other way. It hasn’t worked. I’ve told so many people. Out of my excitement. Wanting to celebrate especially with those that I love. But it hasn’t worked. Nobody has listened. Really listened.

I think the only thing that’s going to break through is Jesus. So I am starting to specifically pray that people will experience Jesus.

We see this sometimes. I think of a video of Jordan Peterson brought to tears. Surely if a man could know about Jesus, then it would be that man. I can’t speak for him, but something has changed. Did he have an experience with the real and living God?

I’ve done all I can do. I’ve worn myself ragged. It hasn’t worked. They need Jesus. We need Jesus.

When is the last time we prayed to experience God? At the level where it registers. Where we can hear. And hopefully see. Where our heart is undeniably quickened.

This God is still alive. This God is still able to do the miracles we heard of in times past. This God is still very interested in us. As interested as always. God hasn’t retired. God isn’t just sitting back and playing Sudoku while the world burns up in flames.

Some things survive the fire. Some things are purified by fire. But even that isn’t the point.

I think of Jesus. Waiting for Lazarus to be dead in the grave. Not just lukewarm. But cold. Is that what is happening now? Is Jesus letting us get to the end of ourselves? Is our failure actually factored in? It was before. With Judas and the rest. God didn’t count on their faithfulness. Quite the opposite.

Does that mean there is still hope for us? I wish there would be a revival in the sense that people across the world would just put down their efforts and look up. Just admit that we didn’t get this one right. And ask for God to intervene. To fix all of this. To help us see and hear in such a mighty way that at least these current generations would be hard-pressed to deny.

Science hasn’t brought us joy. Intellectualism hasn’t brought us beauty. Moralism hasn’t awed us awake.

We need You, Jesus. Loud and clear. Bright and warm. We need You, God. We need You, Trinity.

You love us, I am now sure. The coin doesn’t lose its value just because it is lost. Please help us see again. Please help us hear. Please help us love.

We need a resurrection.


See Yourself

(I posted this content on my YouTube channel, but I age-restricted the video due to mild references to adult content. So the video is not able to be embedded. Please click this link to watch the video on YouTube:

I don’t think people talk about this because of what I assume are primarily false feelings of shame. So, let’s go there.

In my second book, The Trial, I wrote a little bit about porn. How it manifested in my life when I was younger. And then some insights I gained about it when I was older.

And in that discussion, I talked about how I think many times people are trying to see themselves in the person in the porn or in the person they are having sex with.

So I was thinking about that a little further this morning. And while there are many that are trying to find a part of themselves that was lost after rape, as just one example, I think there there is another segment of the population that never experienced violence associated with sex. So, what are they looking for?

This isn’t going to apply to everyone, but I started to wonder if maybe there is a big group of people who are looking for the last time they felt good about themselves. In the eyes of the person they are fucking. Or the person in the porn. Now, this gets kinda twisted, but there is no condemnation. So hold on while I try to explain.

The thoughts that came to mind were about M.I.L.F. porn. I’ve never understood that genre. But then it occurred to me this morning – maybe the last time a man felt truly good about himself is when he looked into his mother’s eyes. Maybe that’s the last time he felt powerful – like he could conquer anything in the world. Because his mother told him so or treated him as such. Maybe that’s the last time he experienced unconditional love. Maybe that’s the last time he loved himself. Valued himself. Thought he was worthy. Wasn’t scared.

And so it’s maybe not so much about the sex. Maybe it’s just wanting some connection with the person he was back when he felt his best. Not that he wants to fuck his mom. Not at all. But when this older woman looks at him as something valuable in the moment. She desires him. She chooses him. Maybe for a second, there is a similar-enough feeling that he can see in her eyes. And it tells him he’s enough. A drug. Validation. Confirmation. Hope.

Take it a little further. Is it any wonder then that some men will run through dozens if not hundreds of women in their lifetime. They’ll find that look of adoration. Of affection that they don’t have for themselves. They’ll see it in a new woman. And they’ll chase that high. Because they are outsourcing self-love. I’m sure completely unconscious of it probably most of the time.

They’ll say, “Oh, this relationship didn’t work out because of such and such.” And yeah, maybe it got to that point. But what is the bigger pattern? Is it that this person woke up and decided they wanted to do life with you – and you weren’t ready? You have just been going from one mirror to the next. To try to find yourself first.

What if the only way out is to love ourselves?

And then that brings up a lot of other different things to think about. Like, why are we holding ourselves hostage?
Why won’t we give ourselves permission to be okay?
Whose standards are we judging ourselves by?
Are those even our values?
Or did we just adopt them unconsciously over the years?
Can we give them up?
Would that mean we would need to distance ourselves from people that we love and people we want to love us?
What stories are we telling ourselves?
Are there other people out there that would value us even more – if we gave ourselves permission to look or wait for them?

Not to mention, do we even believe God loves us? And not just theoretically, but personally. If God actually liked you just as you are, how would your view of yourself change?

And what if it’s okay if you don’t like yourself right now? What if it’s okay that you don’t respect yourself right now? That once you accept that and give yourself some grace, then you can decide to change some things so that you can like who you are. Maybe your discontentment with yourself is an invitation only to reach for more and something better. Versus a death sentence.

Same thing if you are jealous of others. Just take it as an invitation to another party. That you are growing up and the old doesn’t fit well anymore. You are getting stronger. It’s not about them. It’s about you actually starting to value yourself more. Saying, “Hey, I deserve better, something more.” But it’s not their job to give it to you. Especially not to give you theirs. I believe jealousy is just an invitation for you to go get your own. If you like their house, don’t take theirs – go figure out how to get your own. Yeah, that’s going to take changes. It’s going to probably involve leaving people behind. But you wouldn’t want it if you weren’t strong enough to have it. Generally speaking. Probably the rule more than the exception.

So yeah, that’s my initial thoughts on this. Probably a lot more to flesh out, pun acknowledged.