Sarah Nyhan

I Gave Up

life

  • Any Wonder

    What on earth would ever lead me to believe that God, my Father, would provide for me? What example could I possibly look to for any hope in that respect?

    No wonder I picture a god lounging up in heaven, kicked back, eating grapes. Unbothered by any wrath his negligence may have me walking through. Doling out blessings to others, but not to me. Whoever will pay him lip service. 

    I was never the kind to suck dick or kiss ass in order to get something. At least I can say that. But more importantly, that also goes back to God. I find myself feeling resentful. Real talk. Not wanting to approach. Dreading that there will be something I’ll have to do to get whatever He has to give me. Also learned that from others.

    So I hang back. Dreading. Fear. This fucked up theology from the popularized “church”. Just like they told the people of old. That bad things will happen to you if you don’t “follow god”. And then if you take that as seriously as it implies, you spend all your damn time on edge. Checking, double-checking. Testing. Worried. What if you missed something? 

    Was that Job’s mentality? Is that the point of that story? The real beginning of the Bible? That if we just get the formula right, then we’re good, right? Then god will open up his coffers and we can actually enjoy life?

    I look to the people that still attend the church I used to go to. I don’t see them enjoying life at all. Most of the examples I can think of. There is this dread and fear hanging over them. I used to be there. This shell of a person. So focused on every thought and behavior. So “sin”-conscious. Completely consumed. 

    We used watered-down words like “discernment” or “testing the spirits”. But it was all based on fear. Power and control. Of life, situations, and even God.

    And let me be clear, this was taught from the very top. Prolifically. Obsessed.

    Ridiculous. But I was there also. And I understand how it happens. 

    But hey, why don’t you start telling me about Jesus? Maybe teach me about Jesus? Maybe you could fathom a universe where God could be bigger than my weaknesses, my failures, and the shitty examples that filtered down into me before I even had a chance to think for myself?

    Oh, but that’s right – you had shitty examples too. No wonder my healing journey led me to them. As long as I wanted to play that game.

    What if this whole time Spirit has been driving me to the point where I can say no to God without fear? What if that has been the real point all this time? All these years? Decades. 

    What if the whole point of all of this has been to get me to the point where I feel confident and comfortable with deciding what I want to do and going forward without fear? Knowing that either way, I am fully Loved and I will always be fully Loved. Knowing that God is happy with me. That God wants to see me create. 

    What if you had grown adult children that came back to you every five minutes to ask for your approval on every decision they made? Think about how that would look practically?

    “Dad, should I pick the blue color or the black color? Dad, should I eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Dad, are you going to be mad at me if I choose to listen to this over that?”

    Can you imagine? Your adult child would have to be calling you every other second. Would you get tired of it? What would you tell them?

    Maybe, “I love you, child. I will always love you. I am more interested in seeing what you want. I want you to be free to create the life you want. I trust you. I’m here to help you if anything doesn’t work out. And even when it does. But, go; feel free. You have my blessing.”

    When ego isn’t driving.

    So, I finally stopped. I took a big risk. Monumental. I told God “no”. And I told God exactly what I wanted. And I am going for what I want. Now without fear. Now confident that God fully Loves me no matter what. Free to finally enjoy this life.

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  • Woke Up

    I woke up from a dream where I was the fourth person in the front of a pickup truck driving down a road. My grandmother was to my right and my grandfather was to her right. He was being snappy and not in a good mood. Bringing down the vibe. So I asked him in front of everyone, “Grandpa, why are you being so cantankerous?” My grandma laughed out loud; kinda impressed that I’d dare to call him out. In front of everyone.

    But before he could answer, I said, “I know why you are being cantankerous. I can tell you, but it is sad. Do you want me to tell you?”

    They wanted to know. So I said through even tears at the end, “You are grieving. The whole world is grieving right now. The loss of a world and a life we thought we knew. The loss of a story we thought we were living. It is not there anymore. It is gone. And we are all grieving.”

    Then I woke up.

    I think it is true. I think collectively we are all thiiiiiiiis close to the edge. It’s pretty amazing if you think about the potential and how actually well we’ve been doing in not completely losing it. Some people yes, but I think the majority get up every morning and make a conscious decision to keep going, give it what they’ve got, and not give up. Most likely for the love they have for at least one someone. Even if it is “just” a pet that would miss them.

    I think that’s incredibly honorable. I think that speaks a lot on the potential and good that still remains. If only we’d wake up. And stop consuming what is killing us.

    But even then, I’ve come to the conclusion that this human experience must not be the pinnacle to cling to.

    Hear me out.

    I have to briefly go back to 2017 when I learned two things.

    One, that Holy Spirit was referred to using feminine words in the Bible. Nobody ever told me that in over 30 years!! Sitting in pews, listening to preachers, year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day. Not one! Not one pastor ever talked about the significance of the Holy Spirit being referred to with feminine words. It wasn’t until I heard William Paul Young talk about it that my eyes started to open. The ramifications we’re huge and many.

    The second thing I learned is that in many ancient manuscripts, the words translated “who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” are not included in what we label as Romans 8:1. That was huge to me because that particular sentence was a big part of my journey.

    So how could You let there be imperfect teachers and imperfect translations, God? How could You expect anyone to get it right when You haven’t provided a perfect manual? Because You could; You could provide a perfect manual. You could write it on even the sky for us all to see. Somehow, some way You could do it. But You don’t, so what gives?

    Maybe a perfect translation isn’t the point. Maybe getting it right isn’t the point.

    Maybe relationship is the point. Maybe the questions remain specifically so that they will draw us to The Real Answer? For our hearts, souls, and spirits. Not just our minds.

    So back to grieving and this human experience. I have started to look at it with similar logic. God could have Created an experience where there is no death. Where nothing dies. But Trinity didn’t do that. So that leaves me to believe that this human experience is not something to cling to.

    The more I learn about God, the more I see that Trinity puts pictures all around us. I think to help and comfort us.

    So I wonder, maybe this human experience, where we are so spiritually blind and deaf, I wonder if it can be compared to the experience of developing in the womb?

    The baby in the womb hasn’t known anything else. Has no real knowledge of real life outside the womb except for hearing some sounds that make it through the barrier kinda muffled. How is that any different than us now? We think this little floating rock in outer space is everything. All we’ve known. But yet most have experienced some interaction with Something outside of what we can see and quantify.

    I wonder if the baby thinks it is dying when it is being pushed out of the only home it has ever known? Is that also a picture for us? We think that when we leave this earth, we call it an end. But what if this human experience is just a beginning like the nine months a developing child is in the womb?

    The baby is usually born into a room with lots of bright lights that they have never seen before. Shocking. Is that also a picture for us? How many times have you heard someone with a near-death experience say that they saw “the light” when they started to go over to the other side?

    What comforts me? A baby can’t even conceptualize the enormity of all the possibilities that await it outside the womb. The existence inside was so dark and limited. Maybe, hopefully the same awaits us. When we can finally know as we are known. Maybe that’s why nobody comes back for good. Because real life is on the other side. And it is so much better.

    So although I can appreciate this human experience, I no longer cling to it. I know longer take it so seriously. I only want to enjoy as much of it as possible. I only want to get out of it as much as I’m supposed to get. And give as much as I can give while I am here to do that.

    But I no longer worship this experience as if it is the main thing. Or even the last chance.

    And then this grieving business. I am comforted personally by picturing a baby again. How at some point it starts to outgrow the womb. The time comes where it needs more. And so with us here on this earth. We call people old souls. Maybe that is truer than not. Maybe we reach a point where we’ve fully developed in this world. Where we’ve outgrown this experience. Where our hearts LONG to be on the other side. Where we really belong. And so then at some point we get pushed out of this experience and into the next.

    I only cry for those of us who are left behind in the sense of being temporarily unable to interact in the physical the same way we used to with those we love and miss.

    And my hope is that all is for healing. Even the loss of what we are grieving. Maybe like the seasons and like the sun, darkness reveals a new day. Maybe some of the things we held onto needed to go to make room for a better story. I’m not talking specifically about people, but maybe them also in some cases.

    We can generalize and ask to see what good is coming out of this collectively. Please do that, is my recommendation. But even more importantly, what about for each of us personally? I can’t answer that barely even for myself; so for sure no one else. But ask. I encourage you to ask Spirit for some clarity. Some comfort in the midst of all of this. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.

    This is a Father who feeds His children. Who doesn’t do abandonment. Who never gives a slap when approached for a hug. Who isn’t too busy for you.

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  • Back

    Is every roadblock a lesson? What if every roadblock isn’t a closed door? Isn’t a “sign”? What if they are for my growth? What if I’m supposed to be learning how to jump over or go around them? Versus stopping and going backwards.

    What if it really is up to us? What if there is so much more NOW? Not just later.

    What if I only get more when I use up what I already have? Not throw away. Not waste. But put to use. Even for myself.

    Love gives me wings. Love says, “Let’s go forward.”

    What if the world is waiting for us to wake up? To step into so much that we have neglected to see. That we have been scared to be.

    What if we really are that free?

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  • I Wonder

    One of the top responses I receive when I tell people that I believe every human will be with Jesus after this time on this earth, is that they think that means I am telling people that it doesn’t matter what a person does in their lifetime. That’s a tricky statement. I’ve learned to ask people to be more specific when they throw statements like that out at me. Otherwise my answer could have nothing to do with their real question.

    But there are two different ways to answer that question. One way is to answer the question how I know they mean it: whether or not I think what happens to us after our physical bodies give out has anything to do with what I do here on earth. For me, now, I think we all existed in Jesus before He was born on earth, and I think when He died, we died. And when He rose, we rose with Him. So no, I don’t think the end result of what happens to me after my physical body gives out is dependent on me. I think it depends on Jesus. But what that looks like from now to the end result – I think I’m wise enough to probably not know how it all works out exactly.

    The other way to answer their question is literally: does it matter at all what I do? I think yes, absolutely. To a point. Which is not me trying to dodge the question. I’m just speaking from experience. And experientially, I have never taken more responsibility for my decisions and choices than when I finally accepted God’s total and unconditional love for me. Notice, for me. Not necessarily all my behaviors. But when you know, you really know that you are securely loved – there is now real motivation to do better. The odds are not against you.

    The flip side is that you cannot flippantly toss aside every failure as circumstances outside of your control. And yet, to a point. I’ve experienced situations where I’ve tried everything I know to try and the situation doesn’t work out. It seems like the door is shut. But for most of life, it seems like my choices matter more than ever now. When there are no rules, per se, you can’t put the blame for your screwups onto God and blame Him for the “formula” not working out.

    I started thinking about this today in terms of wondering about how people debate whether there is “the one” out there for them to marry. It seems almost like a dirty trick if there is this person out there and you don’t feel like God gave you the secret decoder to figure out who they are. Nowadays I’m more apt to say it’s not God’s character to play tricks on us like that.

    The more initially terrifying thought is whether there is NOT “the one”. Then that means everyone is a possibility. Then that means it’s your responsibility alone in regards to who you pick to marry. And you alone are responsible for that decision. For better or for worse. That puts the pressure solely on you if you married too quickly or ignorantly. In hindsight even.

    Taking full responsibility would mostly give the deliberations about who to marry a much more serious tone. First you have to know yourself and figure out what you really value. What is really important to you. And then drop the fairy tale romantic crap. Little girls are especially indoctrinated with that fantasy crap. From Snow White to Cinderella to Beauty and the Beast. All crap. Just hang around and wait for Mr. Prince Charming to rescue you off to wedded bliss and riches. Am I jaded or is it true that isn’t likely to happen?

    And yet there is an awesome connection when you meet someone with your same values. Undeniably. My point is most people jump the gun before they even get to that point. They confuse lust with like values. Or they connect in their brokenness. Which isn’t a sure sign of failure, but isn’t a great bet alone for success either. Others connect based on enjoying similar activities. But what happens when tastes change or abilities and resources change? What reason will you have to stick around then?

    At some point commitment comes into play. But I’d like to believe there is still love out there that stays mostly without feeling pressured to do so. And so there comes my God. He knows who needs who. Sometimes who we need isn’t who we want right now. Or sometimes who we need right now is not someone we should marry. Maybe they were only in your life to learn something. But you incorrectly took it somewhere farther than it was supposed to go? Having the option of learning a lesson the easy way or the harder way. Scary to consider that choice may truly be up to you.

    But on the flip side, I’d say more people settle for something is better than nothing right now. And probably keep repeating the cycle over and over until the repercussions finally slow them down enough to face the wreckage behind them and consider their part in it all. I’ve been there. Not raking you over the coals without including myself.

    And yet I still have hope. Looking back and thinking of all the good that was still worked out of even the worst situations. Not that the good justifies the bad. But only that I think God’s grace can be found even in our worst failures.

    And is it really failure if you keep putting one foot in front of the other and are a better person today than you were yesterday? I’d say no – failure is when you give in to giving up. There are times to walk away, but for me failure is defined by completely giving up hope for any good to be found in the future and giving up on God’s love for you. If you’re there right now, ask Him to help you see Him and help you see what’s good and where your hope is. He promises you will find Him if you seek Him.

    I read a story today about a man and a woman who grew up in the same town in Mexico in different classes. The male was attracted to the female from afar but they never interacted because of the class separation. Then they both moved separately to New York and ended up working in the same restaurant and eventually getting married. How do you explain that? That’s too coincidental to be random.

    So I wonder. With love as well as so many other things in life, what part is up to me and what part is up to God? And I find He answers my heart cries through experiences versus words and head knowledge alone. Be prepared to live it when you ask big questions like that. And hang on for the ride! Never a dull day with Jesus. I am thankful for this epic adventure of a life.

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  • Just

    Just mind my own business. Just be a better person than I was yesterday. Just live.

    When are we going to put all this learning into action?

    My life speaks louder than my words.

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  • Choose Life

    Funny conversation with a friend yesterday. I mentioned how I’ve heard it said that sometimes people unconsciously try to determine “God’s will” for their lives, as it pertains to direction outside what is specifically provided for in the Bible, so that when things go wrong/poorly then they can blame the outcome on God versus taking responsibility for their own choices/decisions/actions. My friend mentioned that other times people try to blame the devil instead of God. And then the funny part was she said the devil probably gets mad at that and says, “Oh that wasn’t me! Believe me, I could have done way better at messing things up than that!” 😁

    We are probably our own worst enemies. Taking responsibility for our choices/actions/decisions can be an extremely rude awakening for those who have been using “signs” as a spiritual Magic 8 Ball. I’m first in line, unfortunately. Well-intentioned, to be sure. Even if at least somewhat selfishly motivated by wanting any and all “blessings” associated with “pleasing God”.

    What if your spiritual security doesn’t depend on what you do? What if you’re already completely accepted and loved?

    What if God, The Great Physician, prioritizes your healing over your comfort? What if He lets you insist on going off and wasting everything until you are sitting in a mud pile with the pigs and wishing to eat some of their slop? Because He knows that will bring the greater healing that you even have prayed for? Not to “please” Him, although He rejoices in your healing. Not to punish you; “it is finished!”

    I think that’s what the wrath of God FOR you looks like. Not anger against you. But undying passionate love for only your best.

    Do we want the God that loves us more than we love ourselves? The God who wants more for us than we even can conceptualize for ourselves?

    Or do we just want Santa Claus? Or a spiritual sugar daddy? “Just tell me what will make you happy, Jesus. Tell me what I got to do.”

    Ugh. I can barely write those words. But if you really think about it, that’s the demonic witchcraft at work in how religion attempts to reduce the unfathomable depths of God’s love and relationship with us down to transactions or manipulations.

    God is not tricky. He thinks more highly of us than we think of ourselves. Enough to come down and let us abuse Him and murder Him. Without retribution. And from that same heart He gives us freedom to choose how we are going to LIVE this life He gave to us. We are little creators made in the image of our Creator.

    Not students here on a lifetime final exam. Not children of a father that needs conformity for his ego. Not captive participants in some sick game.

    You have the freedom to fail. And the freedom to succeed. Choose life. It feels like starting over. It might feel like the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do. But He’s been with you all along. And He’s never going to leave you. Ask Him where He is. Ask Him to help you see.

    Perfect love casts out fear.

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