Sarah Nyhan

I Gave Up

already included

  • Any Wonder

    What on earth would ever lead me to believe that God, my Father, would provide for me? What example could I possibly look to for any hope in that respect?

    No wonder I picture a god lounging up in heaven, kicked back, eating grapes. Unbothered by any wrath his negligence may have me walking through. Doling out blessings to others, but not to me. Whoever will pay him lip service. 

    I was never the kind to suck dick or kiss ass in order to get something. At least I can say that. But more importantly, that also goes back to God. I find myself feeling resentful. Real talk. Not wanting to approach. Dreading that there will be something I’ll have to do to get whatever He has to give me. Also learned that from others.

    So I hang back. Dreading. Fear. This fucked up theology from the popularized “church”. Just like they told the people of old. That bad things will happen to you if you don’t “follow god”. And then if you take that as seriously as it implies, you spend all your damn time on edge. Checking, double-checking. Testing. Worried. What if you missed something? 

    Was that Job’s mentality? Is that the point of that story? The real beginning of the Bible? That if we just get the formula right, then we’re good, right? Then god will open up his coffers and we can actually enjoy life?

    I look to the people that still attend the church I used to go to. I don’t see them enjoying life at all. Most of the examples I can think of. There is this dread and fear hanging over them. I used to be there. This shell of a person. So focused on every thought and behavior. So “sin”-conscious. Completely consumed. 

    We used watered-down words like “discernment” or “testing the spirits”. But it was all based on fear. Power and control. Of life, situations, and even God.

    And let me be clear, this was taught from the very top. Prolifically. Obsessed.

    Ridiculous. But I was there also. And I understand how it happens. 

    But hey, why don’t you start telling me about Jesus? Maybe teach me about Jesus? Maybe you could fathom a universe where God could be bigger than my weaknesses, my failures, and the shitty examples that filtered down into me before I even had a chance to think for myself?

    Oh, but that’s right – you had shitty examples too. No wonder my healing journey led me to them. As long as I wanted to play that game.

    What if this whole time Spirit has been driving me to the point where I can say no to God without fear? What if that has been the real point all this time? All these years? Decades. 

    What if the whole point of all of this has been to get me to the point where I feel confident and comfortable with deciding what I want to do and going forward without fear? Knowing that either way, I am fully Loved and I will always be fully Loved. Knowing that God is happy with me. That God wants to see me create. 

    What if you had grown adult children that came back to you every five minutes to ask for your approval on every decision they made? Think about how that would look practically?

    “Dad, should I pick the blue color or the black color? Dad, should I eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Dad, are you going to be mad at me if I choose to listen to this over that?”

    Can you imagine? Your adult child would have to be calling you every other second. Would you get tired of it? What would you tell them?

    Maybe, “I love you, child. I will always love you. I am more interested in seeing what you want. I want you to be free to create the life you want. I trust you. I’m here to help you if anything doesn’t work out. And even when it does. But, go; feel free. You have my blessing.”

    When ego isn’t driving.

    So, I finally stopped. I took a big risk. Monumental. I told God “no”. And I told God exactly what I wanted. And I am going for what I want. Now without fear. Now confident that God fully Loves me no matter what. Free to finally enjoy this life.

    , , , , , , , , , ,

  • Experience

    (This content is also available on my YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/zQuzS3dSrmM)

    Lately it seems to become more apparent to me that people need an experience of Jesus more than knowing about Jesus.

    I’ve talked until people have stopped listening and turned the other way. It hasn’t worked. I’ve told so many people. Out of my excitement. Wanting to celebrate especially with those that I love. But it hasn’t worked. Nobody has listened. Really listened.

    I think the only thing that’s going to break through is Jesus. So I am starting to specifically pray that people will experience Jesus.

    We see this sometimes. I think of a video of Jordan Peterson brought to tears. Surely if a man could know about Jesus, then it would be that man. I can’t speak for him, but something has changed. Did he have an experience with the real and living God?

    I’ve done all I can do. I’ve worn myself ragged. It hasn’t worked. They need Jesus. We need Jesus.

    When is the last time we prayed to experience God? At the level where it registers. Where we can hear. And hopefully see. Where our heart is undeniably quickened.

    This God is still alive. This God is still able to do the miracles we heard of in times past. This God is still very interested in us. As interested as always. God hasn’t retired. God isn’t just sitting back and playing Sudoku while the world burns up in flames.

    Some things survive the fire. Some things are purified by fire. But even that isn’t the point.

    I think of Jesus. Waiting for Lazarus to be dead in the grave. Not just lukewarm. But cold. Is that what is happening now? Is Jesus letting us get to the end of ourselves? Is our failure actually factored in? It was before. With Judas and the rest. God didn’t count on their faithfulness. Quite the opposite.

    Does that mean there is still hope for us? I wish there would be a revival in the sense that people across the world would just put down their efforts and look up. Just admit that we didn’t get this one right. And ask for God to intervene. To fix all of this. To help us see and hear in such a mighty way that at least these current generations would be hard-pressed to deny.

    Science hasn’t brought us joy. Intellectualism hasn’t brought us beauty. Moralism hasn’t awed us awake.

    We need You, Jesus. Loud and clear. Bright and warm. We need You, God. We need You, Trinity.

    You love us, I am now sure. The coin doesn’t lose its value just because it is lost. Please help us see again. Please help us hear. Please help us love.

    We need a resurrection.

    Amen.

    , , , , , , , , , , ,

  • See Yourself

    (I posted this content on my YouTube channel, but I age-restricted the video due to mild references to adult content. So the video is not able to be embedded. Please click this link to watch the video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vKo6Oj9qBIA)

    I don’t think people talk about this because of what I assume are primarily false feelings of shame. So, let’s go there.

    In my second book, The Trial, I wrote a little bit about porn. How it manifested in my life when I was younger. And then some insights I gained about it when I was older.

    And in that discussion, I talked about how I think many times people are trying to see themselves in the person in the porn or in the person they are having sex with.

    So I was thinking about that a little further this morning. And while there are many that are trying to find a part of themselves that was lost after rape, as just one example, I think there there is another segment of the population that never experienced violence associated with sex. So, what are they looking for?

    This isn’t going to apply to everyone, but I started to wonder if maybe there is a big group of people who are looking for the last time they felt good about themselves. In the eyes of the person they are fucking. Or the person in the porn. Now, this gets kinda twisted, but there is no condemnation. So hold on while I try to explain.

    The thoughts that came to mind were about M.I.L.F. porn. I’ve never understood that genre. But then it occurred to me this morning – maybe the last time a man felt truly good about himself is when he looked into his mother’s eyes. Maybe that’s the last time he felt powerful – like he could conquer anything in the world. Because his mother told him so or treated him as such. Maybe that’s the last time he experienced unconditional love. Maybe that’s the last time he loved himself. Valued himself. Thought he was worthy. Wasn’t scared.

    And so it’s maybe not so much about the sex. Maybe it’s just wanting some connection with the person he was back when he felt his best. Not that he wants to fuck his mom. Not at all. But when this older woman looks at him as something valuable in the moment. She desires him. She chooses him. Maybe for a second, there is a similar-enough feeling that he can see in her eyes. And it tells him he’s enough. A drug. Validation. Confirmation. Hope.

    Take it a little further. Is it any wonder then that some men will run through dozens if not hundreds of women in their lifetime. They’ll find that look of adoration. Of affection that they don’t have for themselves. They’ll see it in a new woman. And they’ll chase that high. Because they are outsourcing self-love. I’m sure completely unconscious of it probably most of the time.

    They’ll say, “Oh, this relationship didn’t work out because of such and such.” And yeah, maybe it got to that point. But what is the bigger pattern? Is it that this person woke up and decided they wanted to do life with you – and you weren’t ready? You have just been going from one mirror to the next. To try to find yourself first.

    What if the only way out is to love ourselves?

    And then that brings up a lot of other different things to think about. Like, why are we holding ourselves hostage?
    Why won’t we give ourselves permission to be okay?
    Whose standards are we judging ourselves by?
    Are those even our values?
    Or did we just adopt them unconsciously over the years?
    Can we give them up?
    Would that mean we would need to distance ourselves from people that we love and people we want to love us?
    What stories are we telling ourselves?
    Are there other people out there that would value us even more – if we gave ourselves permission to look or wait for them?

    Not to mention, do we even believe God loves us? And not just theoretically, but personally. If God actually liked you just as you are, how would your view of yourself change?

    And what if it’s okay if you don’t like yourself right now? What if it’s okay that you don’t respect yourself right now? That once you accept that and give yourself some grace, then you can decide to change some things so that you can like who you are. Maybe your discontentment with yourself is an invitation only to reach for more and something better. Versus a death sentence.

    Same thing if you are jealous of others. Just take it as an invitation to another party. That you are growing up and the old doesn’t fit well anymore. You are getting stronger. It’s not about them. It’s about you actually starting to value yourself more. Saying, “Hey, I deserve better, something more.” But it’s not their job to give it to you. Especially not to give you theirs. I believe jealousy is just an invitation for you to go get your own. If you like their house, don’t take theirs – go figure out how to get your own. Yeah, that’s going to take changes. It’s going to probably involve leaving people behind. But you wouldn’t want it if you weren’t strong enough to have it. Generally speaking. Probably the rule more than the exception.

    So yeah, that’s my initial thoughts on this. Probably a lot more to flesh out, pun acknowledged.

    , , , , ,

  • Another One

    “Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill.”

    Oh my God. Another one. So cool.

    The thought came to mind of Jesus saying He came to fulfill the law. How many times have I heard that preached? And yet we gloss over it. We think Jesus meant He kept every law so we didn’t have to. We assume it means He lived perfectly as in keeping every law.

    A quick search tells me there are at least 613 laws, or commandments, in the Torah. Did Jesus fulfill every one of them? We assume so when the preacher tells us so. That that is what is meant when we say Jesus lived perfectly.

    But there are so-called positive commandments as well as negative commandments. Negative commandments are concerned with abstaining from something. While positive commandments are concerned with performing an act.

    Deuteronomy talks all about stoning people for so-called “sexual sins”. And yet we gloss over that so quickly. Did Jesus stone people for sexual sin? Did He fulfill every jot and tittle of the law that way?

    Remember the so-called “woman caught in adultery”? Did He stone her? Does that then mean that Jesus broke that law?

    What about the so-called “woman at the well” who was married multiple times and living with someone who wasn’t her husband? Did Jesus stone her? Does that mean He broke that law? That He did not lead a “perfect” life?

    I think that’s probably how the religious leaders thought. And maybe still think. Why they wanted to murder Jesus for claiming to be God. Because He wouldn’t destroy those they judged as more sinful than themselves. Taking the law into their own hands.

    So was this Jesus you worship, was He a liar? Did He really not fulfill the whole law? I mean those were just two things in the law. What about the rest?

    If you look at where Jesus’ statement about fulfilling the law is located in context, I wonder if it is yet another beautiful use of chiastic logic? And then that is the key to understanding what point He is making? I’ll try to explain.

    The verses about fulfilling the law are located in the sermon on the mount – which starts with the beatitudes that basically talk about how blessed you are if you are really in a merciful mindset versus a punishment mindset.

    Then Jesus seemingly switches gears and talks about how we are salt and light in the earth. For what? To go back to the law and show everyone how to keep it? Or are we to be salt and light in terms of showing people that it is possible and better to be merciful versus focused on punishment?

    Then the centerpiece of the chiasm: Jesus says He came to fulfill the law. Every drop. And tells us to do so also. And says you will be least in the kingdom if you teach others to break the laws. Even the laws about stoning people?

    I think the following verses answer that question. Jesus continues by explaining how how murder and adultery are more issues of the heart than issues of the hand.

    And I don’t have time now to go through them all on by one, but Jesus continues by talking about going the second mile, beyond the bare minimum that we judge as fulfilling law. And doing good to people who hurt you – saying that is being perfect like God is perfect.

    Continuing on by saying not to judge others – that that is the TRUE narrow way. I believe. Versus keeping every letter of the law – including stoning people.

    And then saying we will know the true keepers of the law by their love, basically. I think that’s what He was getting at. Which makes sense then when He talks about telling the religious people, specifically the religious people, that He will tell them that He never knew them. They come appearing as pious perfectionists, but what is in their hearts? Do they desire what Jesus desires? Or are they hell-bent on destroying His little bumbling lambs for every misstep?

    Jesus ended the sermon on the mount by descending down to us. The lepers. Rejected by the religious. He didn’t come down from the mountain and cast those people out. No, He proved His point by healing the leper. Going straight to the leper and healing him.

    Then He went straight to another outsider – the real law enforcement officer – the centurion – one of the higher positions in Roman law enforcement. The Jews would have been so upset by Jesus praising this high-level Roman military law enforcement officer. They viewed guys like this as the enemy. How could Jesus say that man had more faith than anyone in Israel? Surely it didn’t have anything to do with keeping the letter of the Jewish laws!

    And then the record continues with story after story of Jesus healing people. Over and over and over. I think that is the point.

    Jesus fulfilled the SPIRIT of the true “law”. That’s how He lived perfectly. Which is also why we never will. Because for one, most of us were taught just as the religious leaders were taught. So our real education as adults most likely involves a great unraveling – unlearning most of what we were taught.

    It’s okay. There is no condemnation.

    I wish I had time for more now, but I need to move onto life and living. But what great news! We are Loved. All of us. There is no fear in Perfect Love. Rejoice.

    , , , , ,

  • Silence

    It really hit me the other day when I was reminded that the Israelites waited over 400 years for a word from God before The Word was sent to them in flesh.

    How long did Abraham and Sarah wait in silence for Isaac?

    How long did Joseph wait in the prison in silence?

    How long did Moses wait in the desert in silence?

    And then our Jesus. Silent for three long days.

    Then the biggest things. Stories that are told now for how many years? All over. Probably multiple times a day for thousands of years. Pretty incredible if you think about it that way. Going from nothing to something so big that people are still talking about it thousands of years later.

    Will we trust that God still loves us that much? Is still very much alive and still very much cares? That we are not abandoned, but truly beloved children?

    What if God still wanted to show off for us today? Collectively and individually. For us. For me. For you. Is God still that big? Still that personal?

    , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,