Sarah Nyhan

I Gave Up

already included

  • Self-Love

    It really messed me up in a good way the other day when I heard that some people try to outsource self-love. Desperately. Holding everyone else accountable for loving them, but not holding themselves accountable for self-love. That hit deep.

    The more I think about it, the more important I think it is to prioritize taking care of your business. I mean one of the greatest commandments is love your neighbor as you love yourself. The order of the words seems to kinda put the neighbor first. But really, loving yourself is the first action.

    If I treat myself like crap, then it’s no wonder that I will not treat others well. If I don’t value myself, how can I really value another? If I put myself down and don’t have patience with myself, how long can I really be patient with another?

    Think of it like a gas tank. Even if I give away everything I have to others in the name of love, eventually I’ll run out. That’s what happened to me. I didn’t even know it until I hit empty. I have been recovering ever since.

    Cheerful giver. Giving from a place of abundance. Not putting myself in a place of poverty just to lift another up – like I used to do before. Does God give from a place of abundance or a place of lack?

    I think in general the problem is learned helplessness. If you were never encouraged or were even actively discouraged from loving yourself, and you had to survive on the crumbs of affection that were given to you by others, or crumbs you had to earn through performance – then is it no wonder that it never even occurs to you that you have the ability to love yourself period – much less when others don’t.

    How and where do you start when you’ve never done a thing before? I am learning to start wherever the pain rears up. You get that moment of looking outside of yourself. Upset about someone not being there for you in some way. Or unhappy with yourself. And you start there. Acknowledge the disappointment. But then ask yourself what YOU want to do about it. Keep crying and complaining about it for how long? You can do that. Or you can make changes. Little by little.

    I’ve seen people sit and wait for decades. Sitting in rooms, distracting themselves with various forms of mind-numbing entertainment. Stewing in resentment. In my experience, these are some of the ugliest people. So desperate for control that they push everyone away. Ungrateful. And unwilling to do much of anything, especially if it will require long periods of discomfort, to change their situation.

    Do you want to be well? Get up and walk.

    Of course it won’t feel that easy. Any muscle that has been atrophied for so long will take a lot of work to get into any shape. But would you rather the alternative?

    You can do it.

    I asked God for a vision today. For new vision for the future since what I thought would happen crashed dramatically to the ground. No putting the spilled milk back where it came from. Gone. Finished. Unless God performs a miracle; which may not even be best.

    I felt like God said to me that there is no grand vision. There is no master plan. There is no perfect path. That this is all about relationship and healing. That I am a co-creator of sorts. That Trinity will work with whatever I give God. So I get to choose.

    Which brings up a whole huge litany of thoughts you don’t consider when you are simply looking at rules and figuring out boundaries. Let’s start with: why? Why will I choose what I choose? What am I aiming for? Temporarily pacifying myself? No condemnation, but what if there was more?

    This is where it requires less work to sit back and ask for less freedom. To go back to Egypt. What we’ve always known. Just to ease the anxiety of not knowing. Just to have a sense of security. Even if they are bars in a prison cell.

    What will you do? What if you can’t mess up so much because very little of what you think is this life matters once you are on the other side? Once this human experience is over? I’m reminded yet again that the only one who was corrected was the one who did nothing out of fear. The others planted seeds and were tangibly rewarded.

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  • Woke Up

    I woke up from a dream where I was the fourth person in the front of a pickup truck driving down a road. My grandmother was to my right and my grandfather was to her right. He was being snappy and not in a good mood. Bringing down the vibe. So I asked him in front of everyone, “Grandpa, why are you being so cantankerous?” My grandma laughed out loud; kinda impressed that I’d dare to call him out. In front of everyone.

    But before he could answer, I said, “I know why you are being cantankerous. I can tell you, but it is sad. Do you want me to tell you?”

    They wanted to know. So I said through even tears at the end, “You are grieving. The whole world is grieving right now. The loss of a world and a life we thought we knew. The loss of a story we thought we were living. It is not there anymore. It is gone. And we are all grieving.”

    Then I woke up.

    I think it is true. I think collectively we are all thiiiiiiiis close to the edge. It’s pretty amazing if you think about the potential and how actually well we’ve been doing in not completely losing it. Some people yes, but I think the majority get up every morning and make a conscious decision to keep going, give it what they’ve got, and not give up. Most likely for the love they have for at least one someone. Even if it is “just” a pet that would miss them.

    I think that’s incredibly honorable. I think that speaks a lot on the potential and good that still remains. If only we’d wake up. And stop consuming what is killing us.

    But even then, I’ve come to the conclusion that this human experience must not be the pinnacle to cling to.

    Hear me out.

    I have to briefly go back to 2017 when I learned two things.

    One, that Holy Spirit was referred to using feminine words in the Bible. Nobody ever told me that in over 30 years!! Sitting in pews, listening to preachers, year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day. Not one! Not one pastor ever talked about the significance of the Holy Spirit being referred to with feminine words. It wasn’t until I heard William Paul Young talk about it that my eyes started to open. The ramifications we’re huge and many.

    The second thing I learned is that in many ancient manuscripts, the words translated “who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” are not included in what we label as Romans 8:1. That was huge to me because that particular sentence was a big part of my journey.

    So how could You let there be imperfect teachers and imperfect translations, God? How could You expect anyone to get it right when You haven’t provided a perfect manual? Because You could; You could provide a perfect manual. You could write it on even the sky for us all to see. Somehow, some way You could do it. But You don’t, so what gives?

    Maybe a perfect translation isn’t the point. Maybe getting it right isn’t the point.

    Maybe relationship is the point. Maybe the questions remain specifically so that they will draw us to The Real Answer? For our hearts, souls, and spirits. Not just our minds.

    So back to grieving and this human experience. I have started to look at it with similar logic. God could have Created an experience where there is no death. Where nothing dies. But Trinity didn’t do that. So that leaves me to believe that this human experience is not something to cling to.

    The more I learn about God, the more I see that Trinity puts pictures all around us. I think to help and comfort us.

    So I wonder, maybe this human experience, where we are so spiritually blind and deaf, I wonder if it can be compared to the experience of developing in the womb?

    The baby in the womb hasn’t known anything else. Has no real knowledge of real life outside the womb except for hearing some sounds that make it through the barrier kinda muffled. How is that any different than us now? We think this little floating rock in outer space is everything. All we’ve known. But yet most have experienced some interaction with Something outside of what we can see and quantify.

    I wonder if the baby thinks it is dying when it is being pushed out of the only home it has ever known? Is that also a picture for us? We think that when we leave this earth, we call it an end. But what if this human experience is just a beginning like the nine months a developing child is in the womb?

    The baby is usually born into a room with lots of bright lights that they have never seen before. Shocking. Is that also a picture for us? How many times have you heard someone with a near-death experience say that they saw “the light” when they started to go over to the other side?

    What comforts me? A baby can’t even conceptualize the enormity of all the possibilities that await it outside the womb. The existence inside was so dark and limited. Maybe, hopefully the same awaits us. When we can finally know as we are known. Maybe that’s why nobody comes back for good. Because real life is on the other side. And it is so much better.

    So although I can appreciate this human experience, I no longer cling to it. I know longer take it so seriously. I only want to enjoy as much of it as possible. I only want to get out of it as much as I’m supposed to get. And give as much as I can give while I am here to do that.

    But I no longer worship this experience as if it is the main thing. Or even the last chance.

    And then this grieving business. I am comforted personally by picturing a baby again. How at some point it starts to outgrow the womb. The time comes where it needs more. And so with us here on this earth. We call people old souls. Maybe that is truer than not. Maybe we reach a point where we’ve fully developed in this world. Where we’ve outgrown this experience. Where our hearts LONG to be on the other side. Where we really belong. And so then at some point we get pushed out of this experience and into the next.

    I only cry for those of us who are left behind in the sense of being temporarily unable to interact in the physical the same way we used to with those we love and miss.

    And my hope is that all is for healing. Even the loss of what we are grieving. Maybe like the seasons and like the sun, darkness reveals a new day. Maybe some of the things we held onto needed to go to make room for a better story. I’m not talking specifically about people, but maybe them also in some cases.

    We can generalize and ask to see what good is coming out of this collectively. Please do that, is my recommendation. But even more importantly, what about for each of us personally? I can’t answer that barely even for myself; so for sure no one else. But ask. I encourage you to ask Spirit for some clarity. Some comfort in the midst of all of this. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.

    This is a Father who feeds His children. Who doesn’t do abandonment. Who never gives a slap when approached for a hug. Who isn’t too busy for you.

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  • Someone Asked

    There are so many different ways relationships can express themselves. I was laughing with a friend the other day when we were talking about how it might be nice to be married but not live in the same house as our spouses; just live right next door. And share space when times flow well, but have somewhere close to go when time apart is also good.

    When I was younger, I could see only one way. My friend, Dr. Jonathan, told me back in the day, “Sarah, you are so damn black and white.” I didn’t get it then, but now I do. Over the past few years.

    And why wouldn’t there be more than one way? Look at all the diversity in Creation! Is this a black and white world? No, not even halfway. So, why not our God?

    I’m talking about love. Who we love. How we love.

    I wish I knew this before. Back when I needed to define everything. When I didn’t leave any room for mystery, for God to surprise me. When I tried to boil everything down to what I could understand and control.

    And although I think the limits of love are vastly beyond what we are accustomed to in at least this culture, I think love itself is way less complicated than we make it.

    For me it is now just time spent and respect. I value you as a person. I want to spend time with you. I want to hopefully have the opportunity to express how I feel about you. And then respect how far you want to go with any and all of that. That’s it.

    No labels. No contracts. You know, like it used to be back when love was fun. Back when life was fun.

    Maybe we lost it along the way. When we were chasing value, worth, and identity that we didn’t realize we already had. Because we were lied to.

    Maybe real Love is not and never was complicated.

    Someone asked me about someone I used to share a bed, a home, pets, a life, good times, and lots of laughs with. A female.

    It was a long time before I arrived where I am now. Years I was tortured. Years I hurt those I loved by my back and forth leavings. So tied up inside. So sure about what was in my mind. And yet, life and love would undeniably call to my heart. More real than anything I’ve experienced in a “sanctuary”. They were my home – these ones I loved.

    I was so scared. So un-used-to this. If I liked it, it must be wrong, right?

    That’s what I was told by others through actions, words, and whatnot. Turning me into twice the child of hell that they clung to so dearly.

    Fear.

    There was very little life in those pews. Sadly.

    This satan. The one who steals a hug from a child. Who makes one afraid of touch that she, or he, needs so much. That is evil.

    There are a million different arguments. I am sure there is value in many of the points. But I’m not interested in defending myself to anyone else’s standards. Because I am not on trial. I am free to love – and that is what I intend on spending my good time doing. Not going to war with people who so badly need to see me as wrong. That’s not what I want my legacy to be.

    This is after I lived there for a long time. After I gave up God briefly. Regrettably traded Love for religion for a time.

    She was in the hospital bed, for God’s sake. And still managed to get me my strawberry birthday cake with sprinkles. She cared about my art more than anyone else. She setup the sweetest little desk. The perfect light. For God’s sake. She hauled that massive bed to me. The one she made. My Saint Francis of Assisi.

    That damn devil religion blinded me. I traded mystery for security. I traded loving for knowing. Foolishly.

    I left.

    I needed to go through a hell to get it all out of me. I’m only thankful for that – finally now being free. But I wish it didn’t happen so painfully. Those were not wasted years but I could have experienced them sooo differently. So much more pleasantly. If only I had believed. Who I really was and how much we are all safe and Loved!

    It wasn’t until so much later when I asked God why.

    Because I left her for only one reason – a night where I had a dream. Where we were in bed side by side. And then the “rapture” happened – as commonly depicted. All the people flying up into the sky. But not me. And after I looked over to her, I heard God say, “Is she worth it?” Then I woke up. And fear gripped me so hard, so terrified, that I started packing and left her right away. “You know if you leave, you can never come back.” I cried for weeks.

    Still not over it. Over her.

    But this is where we are at. So I was very confused when after I heard the best news, God brought me to people that challenged my views.

    First at least two that used to be part of an organization that sounds like it could be categorized as based on supporting conversion “therapy” (I shudder to even speak of it like that). I met them after their journey of leaving that group and repenting.

    Then I learned one of them was in a relationship with a married man. And the married man’s spouse knew and was ok. This married man who was still actively involved in a religious organization. Not out.

    That one was more difficult for me. Because of my hurts.

    Then the leader of a different organization that advocated for people who loved God but also who had chosen to create a safe space where they would not be talked down to for decisions about which other adults they choose to share their bodies with.

    That one broke me. I, even I who had just experienced the most powerful spiritual revelation of my life, even I couldn’t go there then. Because it was too much at the time. To think I threw away years I could have had with someone I never quit missing.

    That’s why I understand now when people come against me. They say it’s based on intellectual theology. But no, the deepest issues of their heart are being called. And those wounds are very scary. To look at all you didn’t have to lose. Believe me, that is hell. That is weeping and gnashing of teeth. I know that all too well. It very nearly kills you.

    That’s why I have to give my Dr. Jonathan my peace, my blessing. Although I tried, I now understand why in many ways he couldn’t go further. It would have killed him maybe sooner. To see and know all that could have been had he and others he loved known differently.

    Maybe sometimes we really don’t want to take it. We’d rather have the “security” of lies than to risk everything for real life that offers no formula or guarantees beyond “Jesus Loves Me”.

    I almost didn’t make it. I almost turned to walk back to just the outside edges of Egypt for a little bit of a sense of “security”. But thankfully, ironically, I had already lost so much that losing a little more wasn’t as scary.

    That’s what I think it means when Jesus said it’s more difficult for those who feel comfortably cocooned in their choice of safety. And I really might have traded all of the true goodness I’ve since experienced if I ever had the opportunity. Honestly; I hate how painful this journey has been. Even as I am eternally thankful for what it has brought me.

    But even that I know I can’t take credit for – any crowns belong at His feet for sure because I have fought every revelation almost all the way. This is not about how great I am. Definitely. This is only about always new Mercies and Love without end. Amen. But God. That’s it.

    I finally asked. After being led to that place. After finally being assured it was okay to look. I finally asked.

    “Why did you let me believe I was going to hell if I didn’t leave her, God?”

    “Because she would have broken your heart and I didn’t want that for either of you. I didn’t want you to live with her breaking your heart. I didn’t want her to live with breaking your heart. So I got you out of there the only way you would have gone – your fear of a hell. Otherwise you loved her so much that you never would have left. Even if it was best for both of you to be apart for a time. For healing. Not for hurting.”

    Blew. My. Mind.

    I never expected that answer in a million religious years. Changed everything for me. Just like the previous big revelation. Where you know something on a level in your soul and spirit that no one can argue with you. Well, they can try. But just like our brother long ago said, “Once I was blind, but now I see.”

    That’s why I have no interest in arguing. I know what I experienced as much as I know I need water and oxygen. I only share to encourage people to ask for themselves. Whatever they are dealing or wrestling with. I can’t say anything close to what Spirit is able to reveal. To your heart and even deeper. Where it matters most.

    And so everything changed. Slowly but surely. As much as I could handle at a time. First that question. Me with a woman. So much more to say on that.

    By the way, two women in the field. And two men in a bed. I don’t know, but interesting, no? Those examples. That Jesus chose. I always wonder if He did that purposefully. Probably so. I mean, He Is God. And He knows. How we’d still be talking about these things two thousand years later. Still wrestling.

    That IS my God. The Master of what we refer to as the chiastic structure. Teaching us either way. Wherever we are. With whatever we give Him. Like a prism. Reflecting back to us. Refracting. Dispersing. No matter what.

    I always go back to the parable of the rich young ruler. Jesus was trying to help him see the audacity. I don’t believe He was ever communicating that we need to give away all our money.

    Same with me. With my situation. God loved me the same. As I turned and walked away. As I incorrectly but understandably felt I had to rely on my strength. Disguised as well-meaning religiosity.

    I was free that day. I could have stayed. But I didn’t know it. And that was the point all along. That was what needed to get out of me. In order for me to really and fully love as I always wanted and intended.

    It is funny to me now. That we only ever had one true argument. It was because she told me that she thought it was okay to kiss other people.

    Even in the beginning, the very beginning, she asked and thereby suggested that this could just be a weekend thing. I was incredulous at the time! Extremely offended.

    How like God that I wish she would give me the time to let me tell her how I now see it so differently.

    Not even by choice. The solution presented itself as an “unsolvable” “problem”. Where I loved and wanted more than one person. And I could never choose between them for very long. So different. Each brought something completely different to the relationship. And I couldn’t ever make peace in my mind with choosing one at the expense of losing the other.

    I even asked God about it for years. Over and over. When it suddenly occurred to me that maybe He mercifully wasn’t confirming anything for me because I was asking the wrong question. Maybe I didn’t have to choose. Maybe I even had God’s blessing to love both.

    Whoa!

    Again, my mind blown.

    And then the unfolding of all that could possibly mean. Even now still fitting those ideas on for size. To see how they measure up. Because as always, it seems the only answer I ever get is, “What do you want?”

    That’s where the rubber hits the road. Not what can I get? But, what do I want? Radical responsibility in one sense. The utmost respect for the people involved. No longer tools. No longer means to an end. But no, everything.

    I now see the Bible as a collection of stories about how people see God. It starts and ends similarly. With Jesus in the middle telling us the truth.

    What if the only real adultery is trading how God sees us for how others see us? Or even how we see ourselves?

    What if marrying and having children is mainly an exercise intended to teach us about how much God loves us in spite of all our screw-ups?

    We even say these little defenseless babies that do nothing but take from us and shit, piss, and throw up – we call them perfect. And I do believe they are. But what if that is more a picture to help us see how God loves us? What we mean to Trinity? Than a social construct to be worshipped and idolized for what it proposes to offer on its own and of itself.

    What if some people can learn those lessons without getting married? Without having kids?

    What if that’s what Jesus was getting at when He talked about us being like the angels – where no one is married or given away in marriage. Because they don’t need that in order to know as they are known.

    So then maybe we can see how single people are not failures at life. My dear Jonathan when I knew him, myself, and many others. Because this life and these experiences are setup just to help us see and know one thing: how much God loves us. They are not an end in themselves.

    So I can relax. I can enjoy the time someone chooses to spend with me. I can decide how much of myself I want to share with them. And I can let people come and go. As they need and want to.

    And none of it means I am a bad person just because others don’t understand or my freedom makes them think and feel too much; threatens the comfort they’ve settled for in terms of the chokehold they’ve established through control in order to avoid their fear of feeling any vulnerability. Because they don’t yet fully understand who and Whose they are. Completely eternally safe. Already included. ALL IN.

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  • Do You Have What It Takes?

    In memory and honor of my friend, Dr. Jonathan Almirudis.

    Do you have what it takes?

    Before Christ was crucified, Peter was in his own strength saying, “I got this.” It is recorded for us how Peter failed. Yet we say, “I’d never be like Peter. Everyone else will, but not me, God.” And then we all fail in our own ways. We don’t trust Him and we take matters into our own hands. Like Adam and Eve?

    After they all failed Jesus, Peter and the rest of the guys were hiding and went back to what they knew before their failures. Jesus revealed Himself to them!! He pursued them as they were failing to provide for themselves.

    Did He say, “Man guys, if you would have laid down your lives for me, you probably would be having a better time right now.”

    Nope.

    He gave them a choice: “Keep doing it your way or listen to Me.”

    When they listened to Him, they were overwhelmed with goodness and that goodness opened their eyes. Peter ran to Him.

    Did Jesus say, “I just died for you after you denied me. The least you could do is cook me some breakfast, Peter”?

    Nope.

    Jesus said, “Kids, you are hungry. Take a load off and come eat some fish tacos I made for you.”

    Did Jesus then say, “Peter, since you towed the line and showed all these wimps how to do it, I’m going to leave you in charge when I’m gone”?

    Nope.

    Did Jesus say, “Peter, since you repented and believed enough after you screwed up, I’m going to put you in charge when I leave so you can show the rest of these hoodlums how to do it when I’m gone”?

    Nope.

    In front everyone, to redeem Peter’s original failure (as a picture of Christ redeeming Adam’s original failure?), Jesus said, “Peter, do you have what it takes this time?”

    “No, Lord. I have a little but not enough.”

    Again: “Peter, do you have what it takes?”

    “No, Lord.”

    And a third time, “Peter, do you have what it takes?”

    “No, Lord. You know I don’t have what it takes.”

    Then Jesus says, “Great! Now you are ready! Tell them how much I love you. Tell them how much I love them.”

    Just like with Moses: “I got this, Lord”. God says, “Whoa Moses, let me show you some stuff.” And out Moses goes to learn about dirty, stinky sheep in the desert for a few decades.

    Then after he’s lost all hope of his dreams being fulfilled, it’s like God shows up and says, “You ready, Moses?”

    “Oh, no way, God. Look at me.”

    “Exactly! Look at you. Perfect for what I AM doing. I don’t need your strength, Moses.”

    God is saying, “I don’t need your strength, Sarah.”

    God is saying, “I don’t need your strength, children.”

    Just like with the Israelites. Why were Joshua and Caleb praised? THEY KNEW THEIR GOD!!! They didn’t see things through their own efforts.

    Just like with Abraham, no? Another picture of Adam and us?

    Kinda like, “Ok Abe, I am giving you a promise.”

    “Sounds great, Lord.”

    Time goes by. All Abe sees is his own inabilities. Sarah says, not unlike Eve, “Well, maybe God really did leave us to figure this out on our own?” So they proceed to make a mess of it.

    And what does God do? “That’s it! I can’t stand ya’ll!” ZAP!

    Nope.

    More grace. God says like He said to Peter, “I don’t even need your strength of believing, Abraham. I don’t need your strength of faith.”

    God gave Abraham the promise of a son BEFORE Abraham believed. Did Abraham’s subsequent acts of unbelief nullify God’s promise?

    GOD KNEW!!! Right after He gave the promise, He sealed it using the perfect picture: the old tradition was that if two men made an agreement, then they signified and sealed that agreement by killing an animal and splitting its body in half. Then both men would walk through the middle of the slaughtered animal so as to say, “If I don’t keep my part of this promise then let the same thing be done to me as to this animal.”

    But did God let Abraham walk through the middle of the dead animals? NO! There was only a torch to represent God that was sent through the dead animals!! To show that only God was tied to keeping the promise!

    And the torch, what a picture: a Light!

    And on top of that, God had Abraham setup the slaughtered animals during the day but waited until the darkness in order for The Light to pass through and seal the deal.

    Wow! Picture after picture.

    Now that is good news!

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  • Hungry

    The lion and the lamb.

    “The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.”

    Yes, Lord – I believe You have a healing mindset. Yes, Father. Yes, Papa. Yes, Holy Spirit. Yes, Jesus.

    You heal me. Yes. You love me. Yes.

    But point blank, I don’t want to crawl up on a cross like You did. I don’t want to get murdered in the name of Love. Shattered. Haven’t You already asked enough of that from me?

    The lion and the lamb. The little children in the dens of the cobras.

    Fear everywhere.

    What if it is because we are all so hungry?

    What if the lion could lay by the lamb because the lion is already full. Already filled. So he isn’t desperate. He isn’t hungry. He doesn’t really want to fight or kill. He wants love the same way too. It’s exhausting never being able to lay down.

    Ok, but what if that is available now? Even now.

    We see this. People will take in animals. They call it a sanctuary. Hmmm. Where else do we maybe more commonly hear that word? In church. We, the church. Shelter.

    The animals, the odd couples, form in the sanctuary. Maybe sometimes in the wild. When one has compassion for another. The wild cat mother feeling empathy for the baby beast. A bond forms. We see this. When the mother has enough.

    Even in ourselves. It both saddens and amazes me the extremes people will go to in order to protect and care for animals. As we should, I imagine. But to the exclusion of the care of our own kind.

    I understand the reasons why this is not so. But isn’t it crazy, from a high level, that we humans can get it together to adopt out millions of animals while any, even one, child remains in an orphanage. That bothers me as much as I understand it. Where is our heart?

    We are so afraid. We are so hungry.

    I am terrified. That You will ask me to do like You, Jesus. That You have asked me. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to take their wrath. To not fight back. At a minimum to not protect myself. When I am able to do so.

    That’s why they killed You. They wanted You to deliver them from the Romans. From all their oppressors. Fine, we’ll love each other. But Love the people who hurt us?! God, aren’t You asking too much?

    We can’t see because we are so hungry. We incorrectly think the solution is to eat each other.

    “I AM the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe.”

    We don’t believe Trinity is enough. Jesus taught us. Where to go for what we need. But we don’t believe.

    We don’t believe that although He despised the shame, He did it for the joy set before Him. There was something good, very good, that gave Jesus joy. That got Him through. That could get us through. If we weren’t so hungry that we’d even ask.

    This maybe is prayer. Something in going to Trinity constantly. Not in prostration as we tend to think of it. Not with our faces hanging low. But as children that are completely safe – more so than we can think.

    What if that is the only way? Do we dare contemplate how great things could be? Abundantly more than we could ask or imagine.

    Greater than these. How, God? How, Jesus? How can we do greater things than You?

    Maybe Love. Maybe it’s Love.

    “he who believes in Me”

    What, Jesus? Not that you’ll kill my Romans. My oppressors. The people who abuse me. Not that You’ll kill them for me. Punish them. Like we punished and killed You. No; but that I’ll believe that somehow I can come to You and You can heal my hunger so much, to the point that I can feed them – those who have hurt me, those who would kill me. I can feed the lions, the wolves, so they won’t want to eat the lambs.

    I believe it is possible. Even as I know it is clearly impossible in my own strength. But God.

    Are we so hungry that we don’t even want to hear this?! I can certainly relate.

    We say, two thousand years, Lord. Jesus. Two thousand years. And then some. Millennia before. And You want ME to try to make a dent, Father? What is the point? After all I’ve been through? Why can’t someone Love me first? Why does it have to be me? I don’t even want to say the words, but I know we feel it, so only in the interest of being honest – “Why don’t You pick someone else, God?”

    As if this is a burden too difficult to bear. And to be sure, a dying. A laying down. Of our own teeth, our own fangs, our own claws. Otherwise called ego. Understandable. But who are we? Children of God? Or not? Who are we?

    We… No, let me be clear where it counts – I believe, Lord; but please help my unbelief.

    So much more. But what if the point is that the joy before Jesus was that He knew that when we really, really got it – we would feed each other and no one would go hungry. All the way down to the Creation that cries out for us to rise up in that way. To feed the lions so that the lambs will not be in danger.

    We can barely even begin to think about all of this. But God. Only God. So, help me, God. Amen.

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  • Maybe

    Maybe people need less Bible and more Jesus. Maybe they need less sermons from preachers and more Jesus. Less commentaries and more Spirit.

    Do you worship the Bible or do you worship God?

    Are your eyes on the Bible or are your eyes on Jesus?

    “But you do not have His word abiding in you, because whom He sent, Him you do not believe. You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.”

    Are your eyes on the invitation? Studying it? Pouring over it? Instead of actually going to the party?

    I know you mean well, but you don’t trust. You seek control because of fear. Because of how we misrepresent God to each other constantly. Because all they ever told us was that we were orphans.

    Not willing to risk any mystery. Only what your eyes can see.

    Yet you intellectually agree that Their ways are higher than our ways. There thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

    But then also, “No, Jesus – You must get back into the little tiny box I made for You.”

    Jesus is the Word, the final Word of God. Spirit teaches, but Jesus judged us worthy, Loved, valuable, beautiful, important. There is no flaw in you?

    What if Jesus came to show us that we don’t have anything to be afraid of? To show us what is also possible for us? That we have an Abba versus a Zeus. That we always had a home and an inexhaustable inheritance that we have sadly almost not even touched. When the world is CRYING out for us to step into all that even we want to be. That our hearts still yearn for. If we were not so intimidated by fear.

    Who is bigger? Your failures or your God?

    Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

    It has always been about relationship versus rules. We are the ones who insist on not believing that. Who insist on a transactional existence. But in the geniusness of God, Trinity said, “Ok, We’ll meet you even there.” So Jesus came down and fulfilled OUR demands. “How many sins have you committed against each other? What is the punishment you demand? Pour it all out on Me. See, I AM still here. I AM not mad. Now that that is off the table, we can move on. We can step into all you can be and do. If you want to.”

    What if the past is to show us what is possible for us? Not that the whole of existence is just to get really good at understanding Moses or Abraham’s walk. But no, that those same experiences are here RIGHT NOW for us! And even more! Because we know more, so we are able to know better.

    “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and GREATER works than these he will do.”

    I don’t know about you, but that bothers me. That Jesus said we will do greater works. If that is true, I want all of it! For all of us! What a fantastically better world that would be! And can be. Is possible even right now. If we just believe. Even enough to say that we don’t believe. To tell God that we don’t see it.

    That’s the entire point. Start by being honest. Start by asking what you want to ask. Even in anger and frustration. You are of course already fully known. And I confidently believe, also fully Loved.

    This is about you. Your life. God showing up for you! At least as much as Trinity did 2,000+ years ago for those men and women who were just like us. We make them big names now, but back then they were just regular people. On purpose. To show us that God is still more than available for regular people like you and me.

    I challenge you. To choose Life. Even in unbelief. Even in fear. Just experiment. Act as if. And see where God catches you. See where God shows up for you – personally. Not in some story 2,000 years ago. But now, today – for you! I promise you that when it happens, you won’t ever want to go back. You’ll never settle again. You’ll finally understand for yourself like no book could ever tell you. That this is not now and never was about how small we are. That this is and always has been about how great Trinity’s boundless Love for us will forever be!

    Amen?

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  • Where Are You?

    What you think you have to do? What is going to occur to you?

    Leave thinking that Love has not accepted you.

    Cleave to what Love showed us: no matter how much we can throw at Love, no matter how many punches, no matter how many thorns, no matter how many rips of the whip, no matter how many nails, or how many swords, no matter if we all turn our backs away – Love does not retaliate against us. Love is not the least bit intimidated by our blindness, deafness, and hardness of hearts.

    Love is not even offended. As Love needs no validation from us for an ego.

    Since Love is complete and perfect, there is nothing Love needs from us.

    So vast are the beautiful mysteries that scientists still have universes of questions after how many millennia? The more we know, the more discoveries remain. Is this Love in need of anything from us?

    If you haven’t noticed yet, this world doesn’t revolve around us. I’m also sometimes guilty, but thinking so is a maniacal level of insane audacity. To think Love depends on us. When we are dependent on every breath of air to even have time to consider such a statement. We do not manufacture much in our existence. All the factors alone to sustain our physical survival.

    Endless majestic sunrises and sunsets just for the hell of it? Dogs and cats that make us constantly laugh. Birds that can mimic us. Foliage and other natural theatrics that can arrest our senses. Just for the hell of it?

    Or is our environment constantly calling to us? To believe. To see. How beautiful Love is for us!

    And yet we dismiss it.

    Love is the final Word on the subject. The complete Word.

    Do we let the stories define who Love is? Or do we let Love define the stories? What lens are we reading through? I believe if we are reading any story through anything other than how Love showed up for us, then we are missing the point. I say that lovingly as I spent the large majority of my life in that space.

    Do we start with Love, perfect Love, – and that we are very good?

    Or do we insist on basing our story on fear?

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