Sarah Nyhan

Taking Up Space

Writing

  • Alright

    I was driving down a busy street today. I saw a large puppy cowering on the sidewalk. Afraid of all the traffic. Looking skinny and thirsty. I pulled onto the next side street. Sure enough he came over to me.

    “What am I going to do with this dog, Lord? I can’t have a dog right now. But how can I just leave him here?”

    A woman pulls up behind my car. “Is that a stray dog?” “Yes ma’am, I’m not able to take him.”

    I tell her how I found him. She offers to take him. I help her load him up in her car. Muddy paws on her seat, and all.

    Answered prayer. So quickly. Almost just as the words were thought in my mind. Amazing. Gives me confidence that everything else will be ok.

    , ,

  • Ride

    “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep.” (Psalm 127)

    “You set a trap for a bull, you get caught in it every time.” – J.B. Mauney

    I loved art as a little kid. I could entertain myself with crayons or markers and blank pieces of paper for hours. I’m the same way with listening to music. Or taking photographs. Or enjoying nature. Or hearing people’s stories. Or tasting different foods.

    But the more I exposed those loves to the world, the more the sharing necessitated defining my experience. And then in wanting so much to communicate my love, I began to categorize and prioritize what was “best” in order to attract the participation of others in my joy.

    Suddenly my experience was being judged. Most significally by myself. As worthy or not. Then there is this anxiety going forward for things to be “good enough”. As if I am unable to adequately contain and communicate my enjoyment to others then it isn’t important. Then it doesn’t exist.

    I’m compelled to convince them for validation. And if unsuccessful then murder off that reminder of hurt and shame by starving it. Starving myself.

    Why is it not enough that I experience and enjoy it? That I find it meaningful. I can barely remember back to when I was a child and I knew what I wanted. And I did things simply because I wanted to.

    Where did I get so lost along the way? Certainly the expectations of others plays a huge role. Societies have the power to make life extremely difficult for those who do not conform to the group. The “free thinker”, so to speak, makes a hundred choices each day to endure the pain outside or the pain within.

    The more grandiose believe change is possible. And the very large (and loved?), still think the actions of even one human embracing truth and love can light a wildfire of new growth in the most stubborn establishments. Accepting the real risks involved is key to proceeding forth courageously.

    What is the worst that happens? Failure? Pain? Hurting others? How much am I responsible for? That is a tricky question. It’s easier to blame others no matter what side you occupy. Probably very few situations have clear-cut all-or-nothing cause and effects. When you’re referring to interactions between people and relationships. I’m not off the hook most times and yet most likely I’m influenced to a great deal by my environment.

    So is the point right answers? Or right living? Or what? Can we have both right answers and right living? More and more I understand Jesus when He said to be as children. How fantastic that He even commands us in a way: “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven“. What a marvelous thought to contemplate; evaporates religion right out of relationship.

    I’m sure I am not here by my own doing. How much would change if I disrobed from all ostentatious pretense and reverted to simply being? Why do we think that is not enough?

    The pageantry of this world fades in a blink of the eye anyway. Much less satisfies. More a drug to be chased. The dragon. Consume or be consumed. The fear that drives so many when the less-thans and I-am-nots are permitted to reign.

    God says, “I AM” and you are in Me. Why do we need more than that? Will I truly live in the grace of only this very moment?

    I am a firm believer now that the questions invite deeper intimacy rather than threaten the bedrock. I’m convinced my Creator, the Cosmic Genuis who is also my Good Shepherd and my Father, my Friend, and more importantly I am His – I am convinced that foundation is not the least bit shaken by our doubts.

    ,

  • My Kind

    Cleanliness, order, and precision. Quite impressive.

    I wish I could make everyone watch this who calls themselves a Christian:

    Andy Mineo – Clarity:

    I can relate:

    “Doubt has led us into faith”:

    The faith I claim is becoming less my own and more Christ’s. I find less and less security in any knowing and doing of my own. I find more and more security in who God is and His love for me. For us. All.

    , , ,

  • Unfinished Thoughts on Belief

    I’ve been tossing around the idea of belief. Is it required or not? If so, then what for? What happens? How do you define belief and unbelief? Months now I’ve been thinking about this.

    I feel like in some ways I have God-given freedom to do whatever I want to do. But that also means I am responsible for my choices. Some refer to it as divine consent.

    How far does that go? I don’t know yet. I don’t have an answer I’m comfortable with yet. On the one hand I feel like we are given freedom. On the other hand I feel like I’ve experienced God opening and closing doors in my life. I feel like I’ve experienced supernatural favor at times. So if we’re not robots or puppets, how do I explain those events?

    As I type I’m reminded of a moment when I was at college. An adult male, most likely the father of a little boy. He was following his son. His son was a toddler. Just learning how to walk. I could see them down a long corridor that spanned the length of the building. The father was watching with a great big joyful smile as his child toddled down the corridor.

    All of a sudden the child saw a hallway to the left. He started for the hallway opening. The dad jumped in front of the child. The child tried to go around him. The father stood and blocked him again. But the father never physically touched the son. He just stood in his way. Not angry. Just for his protection. Never chastising him. Not even telling him not to go down the hallway. Just put His body in front of his child’s and the child turned around and went back down the original corridor.

    I remember thinking at the time how that might be a picture of God towards us? Rejoicing in us. Standing over us ready to catch us? Blocking our way when He knows we don’t need to go a certain way?

    I remember the father’s smile. Full of love. Never taking his eyes off his child. Curious to see where the kid wanted to go. Not a puppet master.

    So tonight the thought came to me that commonly people are told by well-meaning others that they are separated from God and they have to go to Him. They are told they need to pursue God or they will encounter hell.

    But the story Jesus told of the Good shepherd leaving the 99 to go find the lost one doesn’t sound to me like it depends on you to make Jesus happy. Instead it sounds to me like Jesus’s heart is for healing and restoration of those that need it most. He goes out and gets them.

    Then I wonder, what about the prodigal son? The Father didn’t go chase after the prodigal. So does that prove avoiding hell depends on me? I’d answer yes or no depending on what hell you are talking about.

  • Showing Up

    Jesus tells about God’s heart when He tells the story of The Shepherd leaving the 99 for the one. What you are doing may seem to you like drop of water in an ocean, but a drop of water to a thirsty person is everything. Nothing is too small to God.

    The God who created this unfathomable cosmos knows the exact number of hairs on your head. You matter, especially just as you are. Your heart has His heart. Billions of people, like billions of aspects of nature, each holding their own piece of God’s character to show off to the world. His love and joy is communicated through you.

    We tend to get lost in the knowing and doing. Versus just resting in being. Being loved by our Beautiful Magnificent Father.

    I pray you feel no shame and no condemnation. I pray you will embrace your lane. And flourish and relish in it and Him. God wanted you on planet Earth today. And He loves you very much. Shine bright.

    If a person doesn’t feel safe going to their earthly father, no wonder it never occurs to them to reach out to their heavenly Father. They have no frame of reference where that is a welcome possibility. Be as a child, He said.

    Maybe some fear physical paralysis. But emotional, mental, and spiritual arrest can be in similar manner no small debilitation. We rely on our own strength. How far, God? How much of ourselves can we put into Your hands? The physically paralyzed depend on You for all. May we not need that experience in order to know the depths of Your love, Your strength.

    I am not helpless. A lot of people in the world may have it worse than me. They might want to trade places with me. That does not mean my hardships are unreal. Just challenged to accept what is, look for the positive, acknowledge the negative, move forward, and make the best of it. Live.

    ,

  • Due Date

    Reminded this morning of pregnant women as they approach their due dates, and even more so if they are overdue. They spend months nurturing a dream. Enjoying preparing for new life. But as the due date approaches, the expected bundle of joy becomes a painful burden. Everything in them wants the beautiful to be birthed already.

    They are in agony. Even more so on the table as the contractions begin. It takes everything in them. Stretched way beyond what is the usual state of affairs. They scream out in pain. Anything to get it over with. But when the promised new life appears, all the pain is replaced with purest love and ecstatic joy.

    This scenario plays out in realms of existence beyond the physical. As our dreams and desires are developed.

    They say the levels of exertion required for the last 15% of the work is exponentially greater than the effort required for the initial 85% of output. It’s the last times that tax everything in you. More than you knew you possessed. Unable to be communicated adequately with words. Something you only truly know through experience.

    God, we wait. We struggle to contain these dreams. We desire relief. Please help our unbelief. Please give us strength to continue to hold onto the promises. Please restore our joy of Your salvation. Thank You for these adventures!

  • Motivation

    Leave Egypt behind. Don’t stay in the desert. God allowed the Egyptians to load extra work on the Israelites before the Israelites were released. Not so the Israelites would be punished. But so they would look forward and not turn back. So they’d be sick and tired of the old and ready for new life. Move.