As only God can do. I laid it all out on the table today. Everything. Ready to give up all the dreams and ways I thought God was leading me. Felt like as I was just about to go forward away from all I thought He had been preparing me for, He gave me the picture of the story of Abraham given instruction to sacrifice Isaac.

Felt like in similar ways I have been climbing to the top of my own mountain of sorts the past six months and had the metaphorical knife in my hand and all my dreams tied up on the altar today. Then right as I’m about to make some decisions to just move forward and forget all the dreams of the past, I had this God-given peace everything would work out a different way other than giving up on all I thought I had been preparing for.

Felt like I finally heard God’s voice after what seemed like so many weeks of silence.

Felt like He was showing me that this “test” was mainly just to prove to myself that when it comes down to it, I’m willing to give up everything and lay everything down and do whatever it takes.

Not that I had to prove that to God. He already knew. But I needed to see it for myself. So that whatever comes in the future, I’ll always know that when it comes down to it, I would give up everything and do whatever it takes.

Hopefully that makes some kind of sense. As always, I could be wrong. Ok with that also. :) But at least I feel very encouraged. And hopeful again.

I was also reminded of years ago when God showed me that He was offering Himself to me over and over because I wouldn’t accept Him. Not that He wouldn’t accept me.

He brought that to mind with the whole Abraham/Isaac picture tonight. That all this I have been going through lately is related and some of the same thing. All about trust. Not trusting FOR something, but trusting IN Someone. Tough but good stuff to work through.

Been struggling for the past few months. Trying to understand. Trying to find out. Trying to know. For a few years more than a few months. But intensely for the past few months.

I’m boxed into a corner right now. All things logical don’t seem to be working. So then I sway to the opposite extreme of “crazy” faith and land flat on my humiliated face. Anger. Frustration. Have you forgotten me God?

Have I messed everything up? I have. I don’t know about those people with no regrets. If this isn’t a dress rehearsal, I messed everything up a long, long time ago. Beyond my repair.

I think He is healing me. More than He has me on some behavior modification program. We are so used to people caring more about us falling in line than understanding why we are “out of line” in the first place.

What if God wants to reach that place inside us where we were wounded? Even if we don’t want to go there. I heard about a story of a little boy who lost his voice when he set a fire that burned his sisters. He said his sisters are ok today so he didn’t want to talk about it because he felt sad every time he looked at their scars.

How many of us are walking wounded in that way? Either the ones scarred or the ones having done the scarring? Saying, “I survived. I don’t want to think about it or else I get sad.” Or saying, “They survived. I don’t want to think about it or else I get sad.”

What if God wants to bring healing to that place? He is the Great Physician.

I’m starting to see Him as The Father that loves me unconditionally. At my worst. Without any requirements for behavior modification. I think He actively fights my assumptions otherwise; when I lapse into thinking it all depends on me.

Can you call your father? Can you run home to your father right now? Is your father there for you? Was your father ever there for you? What if you mess everything up? Will your father love you just the same? Will your father say, “Let’s fix it together. Let’s start over. But first, a hug.”? Can you go to your father when you are tired. When you’ve wasted everything, like the prodigal? Can you go to your father and experience the same reception given by the prodigal’s father? A big feast with the finest clothes and the choice meat? What if you wasted not only your own life, but also the resources of your father? Would your father still run to you when he sees you on the horizon? Would your father still throw open his arms and embrace you and celebrate your return?

That is our Father. And I think His wrath is against any other idea we have of Him. I think His jealousy is against any other “god” we create in our minds. Or others help create for us.

I think His love for me keeps me in this corner. I can attempt to retreat into intellectualism – which leaves me unable to get out of bed. Or I can retreat into fantastical thinking – i.e. witchcraft. Or I can get to the point where I surrender to the truth of my inability to keep everything together.

The simple fact is I don’t know. I experience, but I don’t know. This has been said before: “now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”

I think He’s been waiting for me to finally say, “I don’t know and I don’t need to know.”

If you don’t trust someone, knowledge is everything. But what would it be like to live as a child with the most loving and reliable parent? Again I’ve heard this before: “Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

I think of the disciples in the boat during the storm. Waking Jesus up in a panic. That’s me. Jesus says to them like He says to me, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

I keep sensing Holy Spirit saying. “Be still, and know that I am God.”

In the old days, God told them to make monuments. To remind them of what He had done for them. I feel like Holy Spirit is reminding me the past few days of all the times God has come through for me when I exhausted my strength. Not to torture me. But to get me to the end of myself.

I am so stubborn in the sense of flying my Never Give Up banner. That was the tune of the old delusion: do more, be more, don’t stop, never quit. What if the anthem of the correct new-to-me way is: REST!

I love Hebrews four. It is a fantastic call: those unwilling to rest do not profit from the gospel. The works were finished BY GOD from the foundation of the world!!! It is the wrath of His passionate love that seeks to put an end to our stubborn striving.

“For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest… come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

That is the kind of faith that can glorify God alone. That can sing His praises alone.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Could it be that easy, Jesus? Some of us don’t know that kind of love from our human counterparts.

“It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep.”

Today I give up. Today I surrender. Today I tell God, “I don’t know.” I don’t know what is. I don’t know what should be. I don’t know the future. But I have experienced enough to believe He is and for me. I’m finally to the place where I’d like to know more, but I don’t think I need to know more.

Me, the person who graduated with a 4.0. Who takes great personal pride in being able to find out all the right answers. Has to be OK with resting and not knowing. Is beginning to relax and remember what God has already done.

I picture a child climbing up on their father’s lap and having The Father say, “It’s ok. I got it. I’ll fix it. You don’t have to worry.”

A friend in the faith informed me today that after eight and a half long hard years, she has been approved for her doctorate!!! I mentioned that her dad who passed away from cancer is probably in heaven jumping for joy at this accomplishment! She sent the following photo and said, “I never got enough of these hugs! Completely embraced!!!!!!”

In light of all that I’ve been going through, the photo of her dad, with both arms wrapped around her, perfectly captured the feeling I think God has been trying to communicate to me, to all of us: I AM completely embracing you!

Sometimes we mean well when we tell people: hold onto Jesus. But what if He is holding onto us? We tell people to run to Jesus. But what if He is The One keeping pace with us and waiting for us to finish fighting Him and rest in His complete embrace?

In the words of those who have come before me: “God does not do abandonment”. Never has. Never will. Not on The Cross with Jesus. And not with us. Psalm 23 follows Psalm 22.

Living loved. New life. Say yes.

I used to think the story of Job was about God saying He could destroy who He wanted to destroy and we shouldn’t question that because He is God and we are not. But now I am wondering if there might be another angle.

I am starting to wonder if Job is another picture of The Prodigal’s brother. God recognizes Job’s rightness. But maybe Job depends on his own rightness more than the love of God?

The clue to me is when Job says he prays for his children just in case they haven’t confessed all before God. Is the problem that Job thinks it is his prayers or their confessing that saves them? That would go against all religion then and now. But could that be the point?

That God allows the bad stuff to happen to destroy Job’s wrong thinking? Not to hurt Job, but to bring him to true healing? To true rest? Not in his own works but in the deep love of God for him that transcends any of his behaviors? Like the surgeon inflicting pain on the patient for a greater good.

How many of us have been or are in similar situations? Crying out to God that we have done everything we know to do and things only seem to be getting worse.

I need to reread the story of Job, but my memory leads me to wonder whether God interrupted Job’s musings not to condemn him, but to show Job that whereas his sanitized response to tragedy in the beginning may have been the tip of an iceberg that needed healing and revealing, the second round of tragedy brought Job through depression, questioning, and then a furious audicity to demand to put God on trial. In a sense. No longer is this the sanitized Job dotting every i and crossing every t to appease the Almighty Creator. This is the heartbroken cry of a confused deeply-grieving man.

I see myself in this place. Determined to prove my worth and failing over and over and over again despite more and more fervor allocated to the cause. “I’ll prove I’m worthy, Jesus.” And He tells me, “You’re totally missing the point.”

I’m led to this place of utter destruction and profound disappointment. Not only in myself. But in Him. I cry out, “I HATE THIS!” Only then do I hear answers after what seems like eons of silence.

I hear Him tell me what I think He told Job: “I love you. Not because of what you do, but because of who I AM. You are and always were safe. Be still. Know that I AM God and you are greatly loved. Spread that message. Not the bondage of the false message of performance.”

Sometimes failure, tragedy, and pain can be seen as somewhat of a blessing in the sense of driving me to end the idolatry of self-sufficiency.

I’ve been thinking lately about wise minds. How we have different ways of being in this world. How I can choose to live by what I see with my physical eyes. Or what my spirit tells me. Those two are often diametrically opposed.

What am I supposed to say when the eyes of my heart see hope in the face of seeming absolute tragedy? How do I explain peace that passes all understanding?

I am finally at a place where I don’t need all the answers. An amazing place to be when I finally know it all doesn’t depend on me. To be found by Someone who is bigger than me. Knowing I am completely free but securely held.

To truly rest. Just be. Enjoy Another. Each other. Live. Where sitting on a park bench with a refreshing lemonade enjoying the cool night air and people watching is as much worship as singing Handel’s Messiah or the birth of a child. Where eating chips and salsa while jamming out to a dope beat is the point of life versus an escape from endless doing.

My heart seizes. Yearning to infuse others with the joy set free in me. Originally back to the old way. Unsuccessfully. This isn’t a journey of knowing. This is a life of being. Something I am unable to do for another.

What drew me? Love. Long-suffering love. Not enabling enmeshment. But an organic pouring over. Light. Bright and non-threatening. Never taking. Never demanding. Never making me a slave. A love that needs nothing from me. Love as it should be. A gift. Not a trick. Not a bait and switch.

So the best I can do for you is to be fully me. To give you the freedom to make your own choices. Real freedom. Not passive aggressive punishment. To trust your heart to His.

The wise mind stays in the right now. The wise mind lives in the present. Right now is ok. Tomorrow is not today. Everything can change in a day. His grace is sufficient. Where are you? Call out. He calms the waves.

Everything can change in one day.

I keep thinking of how Saul thought Samuel was late so he took matters into his own hands. How the Israelites thought Moses was late so they took matters into their own hands. How Sarah thought God was late and took matters into her own hands. I’m referring to Sarah and Abraham. But it could be me, Sarah, also.

I’m comforted by God still keeping His promise to Abraham even as Abraham got lost along the way. I need God to be that big for me. To cover for my unbelief. My impatience.

Isn’t that what our whole story is about anyway? Adam thought he had to take matters into his own hands also. Lost sight of God. Didn’t trust Him. Influenced by another, I believe. The fallen angel. Not Eve so much.

I wasn’t there so I don’t know. But either way the lesson remains. I failed at keeping my end of any and every “deal”. I need a God who loves me way past my failings. Not in spite of them. But specifically through them. Fully, all the way through them. Or else there is no hope. No glory. If it depends on me.

I think that God found me. In my darkness. Helped me see myself and Him more clearly. We see Jesus healing the blind. Maybe more as a picture of what He came to do spiritually. Remove the blinders from our minds. Heal our hearts.

I want to be that mouthpiece. Telling all the world the good news: you are loved; live!

I think of the story of the ten virgins. Waiting for the bridegroom. Half had oil. The other half let their lamps burn out. Maybe the oil represents Holy Spirit? And in our waiting, we neglect refilling ourselves spiritually. The light in us gets overshadowed by the darkness just as The One we have been waiting for is on the horizon?

This is about relationship. Not religion. I cannot give you what I have been given. It would be much less than you need. You are able to get it for yourself from The Source. Even now He is knocking at the door. Participate in the conversation.