“Speaking the truth that somebody wants you not to publish is journalism. Everything else is marketing.”
Quotes
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Eclosion
I was reading about the process of butterflies emerging from the cocoon. Apparently they need the struggle of breaking free from the chrysalis. The force and fight to free themselves from the darkness engages the needed biological processes to give their wings strength to fly.
Oh how often we want the strength to escape the struggle. And yet it is the struggle that gives us strength.
I pray along with the Psalmist:
“Remove falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches – feed me with the food allotted to me; lest I be full and deny You, and say, “Who is the Lord?” or lest I be poor and steal, and profane the name of my God.”
And from the Proverbs:
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
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Amnesia
“I’ve been living under an emotional amnesia I thought was peace, but God is making my heart real with rest.” – Bonnie Gray
I felt like Holy Spirit is saying that God is not the god I always thought was about demanding behavior changes to appease Him. I felt like Holy Spirit is saying all this journey has been to heal my mind/heart to see God as He really is. And who I really am in the process.
I asked God, “Why can’t You just make it happen instantly?” Felt like Holy Spirit responded, “You never would have believed it. I had to meet you where you were and lead you out step by step. The wound about who I AM is deep inside you.”
“Hide it under a bushel? No! I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, all the time, let it shine.”
When I fill myself up and keep everything to myself then there proceeds a lack of new revelation. For myself if for anything. I feel compelled to share for that reason and others.
However, sharing opens me up to problems all around. Real problems that impact my real life. I’ve always said I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not. But that’s easier said than done.
I’m sure it would be perfectly OK for me to sit silent. No condemnation. But I feel like I’ve been brought to this point for a purpose. I feel like this is the natural progression of a very long journey. To make a difference in one person’s life? Are all these problems worth that? I feel like one person is worth it.
I had the opportunity to speak to a large audience of several dozen people the other day. I received a standing ovation. Several people came up to me afterward. One lady told me her daughter in ninth grade was moved. None of it felt real to me. It felt like I was such a small part of whatever was happening that was greater than me. But a part nonetheless.
What would have happened if I’d let fear stand in the way? What would have happened if I cared more about my so-called reputation than spreading hope? The world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m not the only one. But I would have missed out. Another would have been given that opportunity. They might have done a better job. But I would have missed out on being a part of something bigger than myself.
Sharing hope gives my life meaning and purpose. I’m bored with being a consumer. The approval of others is too fickle to provide any direction. I feel like I’m already gone some days. Bags packed. Flight booked. The least I can do is make the best of the time I will be given. I don’t know whether that could ever be measured in this life. Probably will be given enough hints to keep me going. Hopefully without painful events to keep my head grounded.
Random thought: that Jesus died not as a payment to God on our behalf. But rather as a payment to us, in a figurative sense. For our requirement for justice that looks like physical death. Some people I know want Biblical proof of this. I’m not there yet. Just the thought that most religions I’ve heard of have a God that holds people accountable in the sense of requiring some behavior or some payment for wrongdoing. What if Jesus dying on The Cross, allowing us to kill Him, was to show that He is different? That He is the real God. That He is a God that loves. That his death was to show us how far He loves us – even to the point of us attempting to kill Him forever. That is not a God motivated by ego. That is a God that looks like the Good Shepherd. Going to the farthest reaches, stopping at nothing, to bring us back. To heal and restore us.
Track of the day: Chasing Marrakech by Zhu.
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Idol
“When you reject an idol, it’s an act of pure worship.” – Brad Jersak
Only in Texas? Chocolate-covered jalapeños for Mother’s Day:
And the kids finally are leaving the nest. Lined up, ready to fly. Born a few weeks ago.
Today’s find. Probably old to others. New to me. Darius Rucker – For The First Time.
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Ride
“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep.” (Psalm 127)
“You set a trap for a bull, you get caught in it every time.” – J.B. Mauney
I loved art as a little kid. I could entertain myself with crayons or markers and blank pieces of paper for hours. I’m the same way with listening to music. Or taking photographs. Or enjoying nature. Or hearing people’s stories. Or tasting different foods.
But the more I exposed those loves to the world, the more the sharing necessitated defining my experience. And then in wanting so much to communicate my love, I began to categorize and prioritize what was “best” in order to attract the participation of others in my joy.
Suddenly my experience was being judged. Most significally by myself. As worthy or not. Then there is this anxiety going forward for things to be “good enough”. As if I am unable to adequately contain and communicate my enjoyment to others then it isn’t important. Then it doesn’t exist.
I’m compelled to convince them for validation. And if unsuccessful then murder off that reminder of hurt and shame by starving it. Starving myself.
Why is it not enough that I experience and enjoy it? That I find it meaningful. I can barely remember back to when I was a child and I knew what I wanted. And I did things simply because I wanted to.
Where did I get so lost along the way? Certainly the expectations of others plays a huge role. Societies have the power to make life extremely difficult for those who do not conform to the group. The “free thinker”, so to speak, makes a hundred choices each day to endure the pain outside or the pain within.
The more grandiose believe change is possible. And the very large (and loved?), still think the actions of even one human embracing truth and love can light a wildfire of new growth in the most stubborn establishments. Accepting the real risks involved is key to proceeding forth courageously.
What is the worst that happens? Failure? Pain? Hurting others? How much am I responsible for? That is a tricky question. It’s easier to blame others no matter what side you occupy. Probably very few situations have clear-cut all-or-nothing cause and effects. When you’re referring to interactions between people and relationships. I’m not off the hook most times and yet most likely I’m influenced to a great deal by my environment.
So is the point right answers? Or right living? Or what? Can we have both right answers and right living? More and more I understand Jesus when He said to be as children. How fantastic that He even commands us in a way: “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven“. What a marvelous thought to contemplate; evaporates religion right out of relationship.
I’m sure I am not here by my own doing. How much would change if I disrobed from all ostentatious pretense and reverted to simply being? Why do we think that is not enough?
The pageantry of this world fades in a blink of the eye anyway. Much less satisfies. More a drug to be chased. The dragon. Consume or be consumed. The fear that drives so many when the less-thans and I-am-nots are permitted to reign.
God says, “I AM” and you are in Me. Why do we need more than that? Will I truly live in the grace of only this very moment?
I am a firm believer now that the questions invite deeper intimacy rather than threaten the bedrock. I’m convinced my Creator, the Cosmic Genuis who is also my Good Shepherd and my Father, my Friend, and more importantly I am His – I am convinced that foundation is not the least bit shaken by our doubts.
Sarah Nyhan 