Amnesia

“I’ve been living under an emotional amnesia I thought was peace, but God is making my heart real with rest.” – Bonnie Gray

I felt like Holy Spirit is saying that God is not the god I always thought was about demanding behavior changes to appease Him. I felt like Holy Spirit is saying all this journey has been to heal my mind/heart to see God as He really is. And who I really am in the process.

I asked God, “Why can’t You just make it happen instantly?” Felt like Holy Spirit responded, “You never would have believed it. I had to meet you where you were and lead you out step by step. The wound about who I AM is deep inside you.”

“Hide it under a bushel? No! I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, all the time, let it shine.”

When I fill myself up and keep everything to myself then there proceeds a lack of new revelation. For myself if for anything. I feel compelled to share for that reason and others.

However, sharing opens me up to problems all around. Real problems that impact my real life. I’ve always said I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not. But that’s easier said than done.

I’m sure it would be perfectly OK for me to sit silent. No condemnation. But I feel like I’ve been brought to this point for a purpose. I feel like this is the natural progression of a very long journey. To make a difference in one person’s life? Are all these problems worth that? I feel like one person is worth it.

I had the opportunity to speak to a large audience of several dozen people the other day. I received a standing ovation. Several people came up to me afterward. One lady told me her daughter in ninth grade was moved. None of it felt real to me. It felt like I was such a small part of whatever was happening that was greater than me. But a part nonetheless.

What would have happened if I’d let fear stand in the way? What would have happened if I cared more about my so-called reputation than spreading hope? The world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m not the only one. But I would have missed out. Another would have been given that opportunity. They might have done a better job. But I would have missed out on being a part of something bigger than myself.

Sharing hope gives my life meaning and purpose. I’m bored with being a consumer. The approval of others is too fickle to provide any direction. I feel like I’m already gone some days. Bags packed. Flight booked. The least I can do is make the best of the time I will be given. I don’t know whether that could ever be measured in this life. Probably will be given enough hints to keep me going. Hopefully without painful events to keep my head grounded.

Random thought: that Jesus died not as a payment to God on our behalf. But rather as a payment to us, in a figurative sense. For our requirement for justice that looks like physical death. Some people I know want Biblical proof of this. I’m not there yet. Just the thought that most religions I’ve heard of have a God that holds people accountable in the sense of requiring some behavior or some payment for wrongdoing. What if Jesus dying on The Cross, allowing us to kill Him, was to show that He is different? That He is the real God. That He is a God that loves. That his death was to show us how far He loves us – even to the point of us attempting to kill Him forever. That is not a God motivated by ego. That is a God that looks like the Good Shepherd. Going to the farthest reaches, stopping at nothing, to bring us back. To heal and restore us.

Track of the day: Chasing Marrakech by Zhu.

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