#love

  • Where Are You?

    What you think you have to do? What is going to occur to you?

    Leave thinking that Love has not accepted you.

    Cleave to what Love showed us: no matter how much we can throw at Love, no matter how many punches, no matter how many thorns, no matter how many rips of the whip, no matter how many nails, or how many swords, no matter if we all turn our backs away – Love does not retaliate against us. Love is not the least bit intimidated by our blindness, deafness, and hardness of hearts.

    Love is not even offended. As Love needs no validation from us for an ego.

    Since Love is complete and perfect, there is nothing Love needs from us.

    So vast are the beautiful mysteries that scientists still have universes of questions after how many millennia? The more we know, the more discoveries remain. Is this Love in need of anything from us?

    If you haven’t noticed yet, this world doesn’t revolve around us. I’m also sometimes guilty, but thinking so is a maniacal level of insane audacity. To think Love depends on us. When we are dependent on every breath of air to even have time to consider such a statement. We do not manufacture much in our existence. All the factors alone to sustain our physical survival.

    Endless majestic sunrises and sunsets just for the hell of it? Dogs and cats that make us constantly laugh. Birds that can mimic us. Foliage and other natural theatrics that can arrest our senses. Just for the hell of it?

    Or is our environment constantly calling to us? To believe. To see. How beautiful Love is for us!

    And yet we dismiss it.

    Love is the final Word on the subject. The complete Word.

    Do we let the stories define who Love is? Or do we let Love define the stories? What lens are we reading through? I believe if we are reading any story through anything other than how Love showed up for us, then we are missing the point. I say that lovingly as I spent the large majority of my life in that space.

    Do we start with Love, perfect Love, – and that we are very good?

    Or do we insist on basing our story on fear?

  • Wages Within

    I have always been on a journey, but I experienced the most powerful awakening of my life a few years back. I wrote about it in my first book. But the awakening itself was just a crumb of the meal that awaited me thereafter. And the easiest part. By far. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. I know all about that. Night after night.

    It amuses me now when people say that I am telling people they can do anything they want. As if that is going to let people get off without any consequences. Let me tell you, complete freedom has been the most challenging thing I have EVER wrestled with! The enormity of it is quite frankly almost debilitating. At least coming from how I spent all the formative decades of my life.

    Literally my entire identity has been stripped. Even my purpose for being. Life was so easy when I had rules. So simple. For the most part. I could put people in boxes. I could lean towards making quick judgements. Not anymore! Not at all! Now I don’t even know who I am. And I don’t know who everyone else is.

    Devastating. And yet the most beautiful experience at the same time. At least this road only leads to increased well-being and peace. Endless peace. But, the hell. So much hell. In the way there. So much. Basically everything I thought I knew, everything I did, everything. Absolutely overwhelming almost all the time.

    I’m the kind that wants to face it, all things considered. I’d rather have the truth. Even if it feels like it will nearly kill me. But I’d rather that than lies. So I’m happy to be here. Even with all the pain and my shattered heart. But I understand now why everything we’ve ever known isn’t stripped away all at once. It would be too much.

    I can’t say I’m pleased with where I am in the process. Intellectually I imagine all this is necessary and there will be a time that I can appreciate it more. And feel more hopeful. But right now, I have been in the thick of it for some time and it feels more like falling than flying.

    I have been feeling in this way for much longer than I ever anticipated. I thought this was simply an intellectual change. But no, it has impacted what feels like every cell in my body and every molecule in my experience of the universe. Absolutely overwhelming.

    I keep wanting to arrive. To get a break. To rest on some island to recharge. As I feel like I’ve been traversing an incredibly vast ocean of what feels like constant changes.

    That’s the crux of it. Breaking down every little thing I didn’t even realize I had been trading for truth and real life. I thought I had an identity and a personality. How do you go forward completely new? In a world where people expect you to play certain parts that now feel so foreign to you.

    I feel stuck in the inbetween. Yet, I believe Love’s heart for me.

    I truly believe my healing is available for me. I should say the next iteration of healing. As the layers are so deep. And the Surgeon so precise.

    I need to stop. I need to surrender my agenda. All those things I wanted. And thought I needed. Not that I have to lie to myself like before. I now know Love welcomes my honesty. And I have been so angry, so frustrated, so sad, so full of desire for relief. For some semblance of comfort. There are moments, but they seem like just enough to get me going again. So I guess there is more to this journey. More to see. More to be.

    I am totally at peace with acknowledging that I feel like I know less than I ever thought I did before. So ironic. The awakening where I lost all that I thought everything was happened at the height of my pursuit for control – when I was obsessed with graduating with a 4.0 GPA in college. I put so much pressure on myself to reach that milestone. And I laugh at it now. So ridiculous. An achievement, sure. But how I wish I had all the other answers to what seems to matter so much more.

    And I’m not even sure that’s the point anymore. For all my studying I pretty much didn’t get it; I see people who seem to not give these things a second thought – I see them really living.

    I hope my audacity will be channeled to spreading what I now consider to be much better. I meant well, but I was so wrong. That is hell. That is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Realizing that you hurt people that you thought you were loving. Realizing that you may not have the time and/or opportunity to ever make things right with people you loved and hurt. Realizing the years that were stolen from you by this dogma that was preached at you from before you ever breathed oxygen outside the womb. That is pain. That is hell that continues to burn. Those flames seemingly insidiously get hotter the more clarity you allow yourself to see. Realizing you can’t go back, that you have to live with the choices you made in your ignorance – that is HELL.

    And yet only still for my healing. This pain turns me around. It helps me make decisions. All of it. Hopefully for better tomorrows. It hurts to hope for healed relationships day after day. I wrestle with how much of that my heart and health in many respects can endure. But even if I must move on without them, I can choose differently with the new people I meet.

    How much of this is me? Is us? Is you? What if there is no master plan? Sometimes I miss the days where I was so damn black and white. There was an immature sincerity that was much more digestible in that severe simplicity.

    This is what fear does to you. To me. To us. It calls for a base survival brain. Versus the truth of the galaxy of amazing and terrifying possibilities that I so flippantly previously did not have reason to entertain.

    So yeah, tread lightly my friend. This freedom business certainly feels like handing a pistol to a toddler. I can’t do it on my own. And of course, that’s the point all along. Relationship. Realizing I was and am never alone. Realizing Love is always there. Holding me as I struggle to take whatever is the next step. Overjoyed at even my wrestling. At all the tries I mistake as failure. Cheering me on. Even when I get frustrated and express myself accordingly.

    Beauty is such a fantastic responsibility. I feel so honored and humbled at the same time. Feeling so loved and scared out of my mind.

    I would have to say I remain in a state of awe. We are the holy ground; each other. I am Love to you and likewise. How can I possibly do that on my own? I can’t; that much is obvious by the current state of distress many of us sense as what feels like collectively we act as if we are disconnected from Love.

    I am NOT advocating a return to what killed us before. That was toxic. But Good still remains. Yes, please, we will have some more. Much more. Please, Love, get us all through this. To the other side. To whatever is next. To what is better than what we try to do without Love.

    I need to ask more. Ask where I am stuck. Ask what the healing is. Listen. And look for Love. Ask to see. Ask to hear.

    I am welcome. I do not have to do anything on my own. It doesn’t have to depend on me.

  • Back

    Is every roadblock a lesson? What if every roadblock isn’t a closed door? Isn’t a “sign”? What if they are for my growth? What if I’m supposed to be learning how to jump over or go around them? Versus stopping and going backwards.

    What if it really is up to us? What if there is so much more NOW? Not just later.

    What if I only get more when I use up what I already have? Not throw away. Not waste. But put to use. Even for myself.

    Love gives me wings. Love says, “Let’s go forward.”

    What if the world is waiting for us to wake up? To step into so much that we have neglected to see. That we have been scared to be.

    What if we really are that free?

  • Already Included #17 – John MacMurray: March 2nd

    Today I attended the event in Belton, Texas where John MacMurray was speaking with a focus on the material in his latest book, A Spiritual Evolution. As God always does, I went expecting certain outcomes and was completely surprised by what God seemed to have in store for me personally. I also met some new friends and enjoyed talking with so many people. Community is always my favorite part of these events.

    But how RICH we were to have John travel all the way from Oregon to speak with us for over four hours! A spiritual buffet if you will. And we were stuffed with so much goodness. Here are my highlights from thirteen pages of notes taken in my new journal gifted to me by the beautiful Clarice:

    • People are not going to look for other answers or be open to new information that challenges their current paradigm until life brings them to a point where they consider that their current way of thinking may be incorrect.
    • Relationship takes a long time. Life is about relationship. Information is not the end goal.
    • Love is not something God does. Love is who God is. The deepest, truest thing about God is NOT that He is a narcissist.
    • God is always better than whatever metaphors we try our best to use to explain Him.
    • The way I used to think said God’s highest aim was to create us for His glory. It is different and totally beautiful if rather God creates to share the relationship experienced by The Trinity.
    • In The Trinity there is now humanity through Jesus.
    • We cannot control others. We can only influence others. And we influence through love.
    • It is a holy privilege to have children.
    • We can live out of already being embraced by God versus living to be embraced by God.
    • God is interested in destroying the sin that comes between Lover and beloved. This is versus loving rules over relationship and being focused on punishing sin.
    • In this way we also should think of sin in relational terms versus moral or legal terms.
    • No one wants to get into our mess to clean it up. God not only gets into our mess, but He jumps in to heal us – not just clean us.
    • Jesus comes to give us His knowledge of OUR Father. Our problem is we don’t know our Father.
    • Eternal life is also relational.
    • God is completely invested IN and committed to us. To you. To me.
    • The truth of my being is different than the way of my being. And obviously we aim for the way to eventually match the truth. This is at least a lifelong process. Without a pass/fail final exam.
    • Reconciliation is a different conversation than forgiveness. You can’t have reconciliation without trust.
    • Beauty shortcircuits intellect. Beauty gets behind our watchful dragons.
  • Already Included #16 – Emmanuel

    For God so loved rules that He needed to see blood and have someone die before He could let His creation off the hook? That’s not what is recorded. God so loved US. Not rules and laws.

    Today I listened again to Dan Schiopu’s message entitled “Emmanuel, God Is With Us“. Dan has a unique gift for delivery. I recommend you listen to the entire message.

    However, here are some quotes mixed with my own thoughts after listening:

    Our initial error is doubting God’s uncompromising goodness. And that continues to be our struggle.

    We have a perception problem. Not a legal problem.

    Man changed with the fall. Not God.

    “You are not valuable because of the price Jesus paid for you. Jesus paid the price for you because of your value.”

    “The Bible doesn’t say that your goodness leads God to repentance.”

    “Repentance is not something that you do to change God’s mind about you. It’s something that happens to you, to your mind when you discover who The Father really is.”

    “You can reject your own sonship, but you cannot change it.”

    The parable of the prodigal son is not about a Father waiting for a son to come home and humble himself. The parable of the prodigal son is not that we need to change our behavior. The point of the story is that God has never loved us less even when we are at our worst. The story is about changing OUR minds to see that God is always the Father that never walks away from us and never stops being our Father. Who loves us forever. A love without end. AMEN?

    The gospel is not about mercy being given to undeserving sinners. The gospel is about God coming to get His kids back from being alienated from Him only in their minds.

    The blood of Jesus was not shed to appease God. The blood of Jesus was shed to appease OUR conscience. Now we have no excuse. The worst has already been done to God. And we did it. Not The Father. We threw our best punch at Jesus and God didn’t stop loving us and He didn’t leave us.

    So we can run to Him even at our worst. The same Jesus who ate with prostitutes and touched lepers. To prove to us that we have nothing to be afraid of.

    The blood of Jesus was not shed so God can accept us. The blood of Jesus was shed so WE can accept God!!

    The blood of Jesus is not the barrier that protects you from God. He is always Emmanuel.

  • Lexus Lights

    Another memorable true story from my adventurous life:

    It was almost ten years ago. Between 2am and 5am in the morning. I received a notification for an out of town taxi trip. I was a little disappointed when I scrolled through the trip details. On out of town trips, the dispatcher is supposed to provide you with the destination and the estimated fare that was quoted to the passenger. In this case, they did not provide me with any of that information. They only said that the passenger agreed to a minimum $50 trip charge. Less than I was hoping for but better than nothing. So I headed out to the pickup location.

    The passenger was being picked up out in the middle of the country on the far south side of San Antonio. Much farther away than any of the regular business of the night.

    I drove out to the location wondering who the passenger could be, where they could be going, and what their story might be. Why would they need a taxi at 3am in the morning? I was cautious because a trip like this was out of the norm, but I settled myself by deciding that maybe they could be an international traveler preparing to leave for the airport super early in the morning.

    I left the main part of town and started driving in the country towards the passenger’s pickup location. I noticed a vehicle had pulled out of a gas station and seemed to be keeping pace with my speed. They were behind me and weren’t passing me. When you drive twelve hours a day, you notice little odd things like that. Usually in the country there are two types of drivers: people who know the area and ignore all the speed limits and just drive to get where they are going. Or there are people who know the area and drive really slow because they don’t have much else to do.

    There was something about the person behind me that was different. I didn’t know where I was going so I was driving slower than normal so I could try to read the street signs in the dark. And this driver wasn’t passing me but they weren’t riding my bumper either. They seemed to stay the correct amount of distance away the whole time. But they were close enough that I noticed that their headlights were different than most vehicles on the road. I’m not knowledgeable about vehicles so I referred to their headlights as “Lexus lights” because those were the only vehicles that I knew of that had those lights. Again, not a huge deal but kind of out of place for a Lexus to be driving around at 3am on the country roads.

    I was worried at this point. I was wondering if someone had placed a call for a taxi, was following me, and was going to trap and assault me at the destination location. My mind was devising all kinds of ways to escape. You never know who is going to be in your taxi. You don’t have the luxury of waiting for the police to arrive if someone is attacking you.

    As I was thinking these thoughts, I was distracted by trying to find the street I needed in the dark. I found it and made the turn. I looked behind me and noticed that the Lexus hadn’t followed. I dismissed a little of my worry and proceeded to concentrate on the situation I would be encountering in a few short seconds.

    When I located the passenger’s house, immediately I noticed that there were at least three vans in the driveway and a lot of people. That was odd to me. Sometimes people call for taxis because they don’t have a working vehicle. This was obviously not the case in this situation.

    Other times people call for taxis because they don’t have anyone else who can give them a ride. This again was obviously not the case.

    I thought to myself, why would someone call a taxi if they had a vehicle and someone else to drive them? My guard was up at this point. Something was wrong. My gut knew it.

    As I watched the scene of people on the front porch, I noticed nobody was hugging. Usually when loved ones are separating, there is at least the appearance of affection as they hug each other goodbye. Again, my mind was telling me something was wrong.

    Also, no one from the group of people immediately came to the taxi to acknowledge me. Usually there is someone in a group who will greet the driver and will ask the driver to wait while the others come to the vehicle. Nobody acted like I was even there.

    Then a man brings a suitcase to the vehicle. He doesn’t say anything to me. I just get out and open the back door of the van and he puts the suitcase into the trunk. He walks back to the house. Only one suitcase. I was thinking maybe a whole group of people were going to the airport so maybe that is why they called for a taxi. But no, only one suitcase.

    Then a lady comes out and asks me to wait. Since this was a $50 trip and I had driven so far already, I decided to wait. I notice people are talking and walking back and forth on the porch. Something is wrong but I can’t figure it out.

    Then an older bigger man walks towards the taxi and angrily says to me, “Where are you taking her?!” I say, “I don’t know sir. She hasn’t told me.” “You don’t know where you are taking her?” “No sir, “ I say with enough force to match his. He realizes I’m not going to be bullied and he walks away back towards the house. Being somewhat of a champion for women, I was not going to let him push me around. This was my taxi. I thought of it as my house. I had to protect myself. I was proud of sticking up for myself but now I was concerned for the woman who had asked me to wait.

    When she finally came back to the van, she was alone. This was odd. Usually when especially a female leaves in a taxi, the group of people will go with her to the taxi and check out the taxi driver to make sure she is safe. Nobody was coming to the van to see this woman off. I knew something was wrong.

    Immediately after she closes the van door, she tells me, “Drive. Please. Quickly.” Now, I might be a champion for women, but I also know just because you are a woman, that doesn’t mean I can trust you. I was worried about being setup by a woman for an ambush. I was worried about her taking advantage of me and not paying. I was already on guard from the whole situation.

    Also, in the taxi business, it’s a bad sign if people don’t tell you where they are going. Sometimes people just want you to drive so that they can assault you on the way. I knew I had to take control of the situation. I told her, “Hey, wait a minute. I need to receive the payment first and I need to know where you are going.”

    “I’ll pay you. I promise. Just drive. I need to get away from here.”

    I tell her, “Fine, I’ll drive a few blocks and pull over and then you can pay me first. And then tell me where you are going.” She agrees and I start confirming the price of the trip with her. I relax a little because she doesn’t seem concerned at all about how much the trip is going to cost and she is working on getting her cash out to give to me. Usually if someone is up to no good, they will try to bluff you into believing they didn’t know how much the trip was going to cost, or that the dispatcher quoted them a difference price, etc.

    I drove a few blocks and then pulled over in the dark on the side of the road. She gave me the money and then asked me again to drive. I asked her again where she was going and she just said, “I’ll let you know. Just turn to the right.” We turned onto the main road and headed back towards the city so I was not as scared. I figured if she was leading me to an ambush, it would have been deeper into the country versus off a main road headed to the city.

    I was starting to relax but I was not going to let her just drive me around aimlessly. She seemed sincere but I needed more information. I started asking her, “What is going on?”

    She started telling me that she had been studying in medical school in Chicago. She was only a semester or two away from graduating when her mother called her from India and advised her that she was being married off to a man in Texas in an arranged marriage. She had never met the man before. She was expected to leave medical school in Chicago and move to Texas and get married. So that’s what she did.

    After she was married and arrived in Texas, the new husband and his family put her to work in the gas station that they owned. This was no corporate gas station. This was one of those little gas station dumps out in the middle of the country. She said they violated all the labor laws and she was stuck at the gas station working all kinds of hours. Then when she came back to the family compound, the family treated her like a slave and she was expected to spend her time at home doing housework. Here she was about to graduate from medical school and now reduced to a slave working for strangers.

    As she is telling me this story, all of a sudden, what do I see in the rear-view mirror? “Lexus lights!” I’m sure it was the same white car that had followed me so many miles on the way to her house. Before I even had time to think about what was happening, the Lexus races up next to the side of the van and starts honking and driving erratically. I felt like I was in an action movie!

    I was scared but somehow incredibly calm. She wasn’t reacting at all. In a very surreal moment, I turned and asked her, “Do you know these people!?!?”

    In my mind, I’m thinking her in-laws have tracked us down and are going to run me off the road and kill us both in some kind of twisted honor killing.

    She calmly responds, “Yes, follow them.” I have no idea how to explain it, but I trusted her. The Lexus speeds up and I switch lanes and follow it. Almost immediately, the Lexus pulls off the main road and onto a dirt road.

    I’m thinking, “Great, a dirt road. Of course it’s a dirt road. This is like a bad B movie. Is this how my life is going to end?”

    I ask the passenger, “What’s going on?” She tells me that these people in the Lexus are friends she met at church and they are helping her escape. For some reason I believed her. I assume that she didn’t want this couple to drive to her former residence for fear that her in-laws would find out who was helping her.

    The Lexus drives over a cattle guard and stops in the middle of the pitch black night in a literal field in the middle of the country. The only lights are the headlights of our vehicles.

    A man and a woman step out of the Lexus. The man wastes no time in approaching the taxi and opening the van door and helping the woman out of the back seat. I somehow decide that I feel safe enough to exit the vehicle and open the trunk so they can retrieve her luggage. The woman from the Lexus comforts my passenger as the man takes her luggage back to his vehicle. He tells me thank you and they all get into the Lexus and drive away quickly.

    I’m left by myself in the middle of some random cow pasture in the pitch black night. I catch my senses and drive away as quickly as possible to get back to the city.

    I call my dispatcher and I tell him to please not give out my name or number to anyone who might call it for that trip. I was worried her in-laws were going to track me down once they realized that their free labor had escaped.

    In the end, I felt honored. That I would be provided that opportunity to help a woman escape from bondage.

    On this Valentine’s Day, remember that you are still loved, still important, and still matter even if you don’t have a romantic significant other.

  • If I Die Then I Die

    To start, I love living and am in no way interested in dying. Read more for the explanation of the title of this post.

    Today I was reminded of the story of Esther. I was reminded that Esther started out as an orphan. Raised by someone else. Then chosen to be Queen. But in some ways probably feeling abandoned all over again. The story reminds us that Esther noted that her husband hadn’t called on her for I think over 30 days. And so she is Queen but probably still feeling like that little girl that is alone in the world. After so much excitement. Probably hope also. Maybe this is my deliverance. Maybe this is my forever story. Being chosen. Not just another season of disappointment. “God, I thought we were going a certain direction?” It must have felt like such a let down. Then fear on top of fear. Being asked to lay her life down in order to attempt to protect others. She gets to the point where she decides to act in accordance with letting all of her dreams go. She says something to the effect of, “If I die then I die.”

    I think now of Abraham. Told that he and Sarah would have a child. Years and years go by. No child. Then he finally has the child and is asked to sacrifice the child. Not literally. That isn’t the point of the story. But while he was going through it, that is what he saw. Here you give me this promise God, and then I have to let it go. God prevailed in a powerful way, but the theme is similar to Esther.

    I think of Moses. Same thing. Promised he would lead his people out. Then off to the desert until he was an old man. Tending sheep. No hope in sight. He gets to the point where he doesn’t even want the call anymore. In a way. He tells God to send someone else who he thinks would be more qualified.

    David. Told he would be king. Then he has to deal with Saul trying to kill him over and over. Running and hiding in caves. Not living the life he probably associated with being a king.

    Joseph. Given a dream. Then shipped off for years and years. Enduring so much unfair treatment.

    All of them having to get to the point where they know they were given a promise, but having to accept their current circumstances as is. Having to let go and trust the timing to God. Trust the way to God.

    I can relate. I don’t feel like I see the full picture yet. There are probably so many things happening right now that will only make sense later. Right now the suffering blinds me to the bigger picture. Blinds me to anything other than wanting relief. I empathize with those who sought solutions and resolutions. Who fight against the pressure.

    I feel like I can continue to wear myself out. I can continue to cry and carry on. I can panic. Or I can let go and trust God. I can seek Him inside my heart.

    Silence is torturous for me. I don’t want to hear all my fears. But tonight for a few minutes I ran out of things to distract me.

    I tried to sit with God. I told Him I was angry at Him and disappointed. He already knew. I felt like He assured me that He wasn’t angry or disappointed with me.

    I felt a brief settling. More like a child who is too exhausted to fight anymore. Not giving up the battle for control. But too tired to take up arms.

    I felt again like I have so many times before, absolute assurance of being loved by God. And the kind encouragement to trust. That I am not alone, that there is more going on than meets the eye, that good things are in the future, and that this is not the end.

    I rely on the testimonies of those we read about to give me any hope that these things are true.

    My new motto is to lessen the self-imposed stress I put on myself. I don’t yet understand why, but a big part of that is letting go. Of the compulsion to be “great” or do “great” things. Of the pressure to be “successful” as society defines success. Of the need to do anything other than try to be the best person I can be to myself and others. Starting with mastering the basics first.

    It is both sad and ok. Sad in that I have spent so many years driven by this need to perform, be perfect, and excel. The ego part of me mourns letting myself down in that respect. But on the other hand, it is also ok. Suddenly I can enjoy a day, I can genuinely enjoy a rest. I can take the time to appreciate a meal for simply being appealing and delicious. Versus analyzing the macros that will tilt the balance of my plans for world domination. I speak facetiously to the extreme to prove a point.

    This letting go feels like a good thing in the long run. As completely uncomfortable as I feel even in releasing so little at a time. It feels like I am finally handing the wheel over to God and saying, “Will you drive?” Not in a legalistic sense. But rather like when you finally are getting to know someone and letting them in. My heart. Not just my mind.

    I anticipate more adventures are ahead. Now that I don’t have my checkboxes to manage, I can better enjoy the ride.