Sarah Nyhan

I Gave Up

#God

  • Maybe

    Maybe people need less Bible and more Jesus. Maybe they need less sermons from preachers and more Jesus. Less commentaries and more Spirit.

    Do you worship the Bible or do you worship God?

    Are your eyes on the Bible or are your eyes on Jesus?

    “But you do not have His word abiding in you, because whom He sent, Him you do not believe. You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.”

    Are your eyes on the invitation? Studying it? Pouring over it? Instead of actually going to the party?

    I know you mean well, but you don’t trust. You seek control because of fear. Because of how we misrepresent God to each other constantly. Because all they ever told us was that we were orphans.

    Not willing to risk any mystery. Only what your eyes can see.

    Yet you intellectually agree that Their ways are higher than our ways. There thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

    But then also, “No, Jesus – You must get back into the little tiny box I made for You.”

    Jesus is the Word, the final Word of God. Spirit teaches, but Jesus judged us worthy, Loved, valuable, beautiful, important. There is no flaw in you?

    What if Jesus came to show us that we don’t have anything to be afraid of? To show us what is also possible for us? That we have an Abba versus a Zeus. That we always had a home and an inexhaustable inheritance that we have sadly almost not even touched. When the world is CRYING out for us to step into all that even we want to be. That our hearts still yearn for. If we were not so intimidated by fear.

    Who is bigger? Your failures or your God?

    Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

    It has always been about relationship versus rules. We are the ones who insist on not believing that. Who insist on a transactional existence. But in the geniusness of God, Trinity said, “Ok, We’ll meet you even there.” So Jesus came down and fulfilled OUR demands. “How many sins have you committed against each other? What is the punishment you demand? Pour it all out on Me. See, I AM still here. I AM not mad. Now that that is off the table, we can move on. We can step into all you can be and do. If you want to.”

    What if the past is to show us what is possible for us? Not that the whole of existence is just to get really good at understanding Moses or Abraham’s walk. But no, that those same experiences are here RIGHT NOW for us! And even more! Because we know more, so we are able to know better.

    “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and GREATER works than these he will do.”

    I don’t know about you, but that bothers me. That Jesus said we will do greater works. If that is true, I want all of it! For all of us! What a fantastically better world that would be! And can be. Is possible even right now. If we just believe. Even enough to say that we don’t believe. To tell God that we don’t see it.

    That’s the entire point. Start by being honest. Start by asking what you want to ask. Even in anger and frustration. You are of course already fully known. And I confidently believe, also fully Loved.

    This is about you. Your life. God showing up for you! At least as much as Trinity did 2,000+ years ago for those men and women who were just like us. We make them big names now, but back then they were just regular people. On purpose. To show us that God is still more than available for regular people like you and me.

    I challenge you. To choose Life. Even in unbelief. Even in fear. Just experiment. Act as if. And see where God catches you. See where God shows up for you – personally. Not in some story 2,000 years ago. But now, today – for you! I promise you that when it happens, you won’t ever want to go back. You’ll never settle again. You’ll finally understand for yourself like no book could ever tell you. That this is not now and never was about how small we are. That this is and always has been about how great Trinity’s boundless Love for us will forever be!

    Amen?

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  • Already Included #17 – John MacMurray: March 2nd

    Today I attended the event in Belton, Texas where John MacMurray was speaking with a focus on the material in his latest book, A Spiritual Evolution. As God always does, I went expecting certain outcomes and was completely surprised by what God seemed to have in store for me personally. I also met some new friends and enjoyed talking with so many people. Community is always my favorite part of these events.

    But how RICH we were to have John travel all the way from Oregon to speak with us for over four hours! A spiritual buffet if you will. And we were stuffed with so much goodness. Here are my highlights from thirteen pages of notes taken in my new journal gifted to me by the beautiful Clarice:

    • People are not going to look for other answers or be open to new information that challenges their current paradigm until life brings them to a point where they consider that their current way of thinking may be incorrect.
    • Relationship takes a long time. Life is about relationship. Information is not the end goal.
    • Love is not something God does. Love is who God is. The deepest, truest thing about God is NOT that He is a narcissist.
    • God is always better than whatever metaphors we try our best to use to explain Him.
    • The way I used to think said God’s highest aim was to create us for His glory. It is different and totally beautiful if rather God creates to share the relationship experienced by The Trinity.
    • In The Trinity there is now humanity through Jesus.
    • We cannot control others. We can only influence others. And we influence through love.
    • It is a holy privilege to have children.
    • We can live out of already being embraced by God versus living to be embraced by God.
    • God is interested in destroying the sin that comes between Lover and beloved. This is versus loving rules over relationship and being focused on punishing sin.
    • In this way we also should think of sin in relational terms versus moral or legal terms.
    • No one wants to get into our mess to clean it up. God not only gets into our mess, but He jumps in to heal us – not just clean us.
    • Jesus comes to give us His knowledge of OUR Father. Our problem is we don’t know our Father.
    • Eternal life is also relational.
    • God is completely invested IN and committed to us. To you. To me.
    • The truth of my being is different than the way of my being. And obviously we aim for the way to eventually match the truth. This is at least a lifelong process. Without a pass/fail final exam.
    • Reconciliation is a different conversation than forgiveness. You can’t have reconciliation without trust.
    • Beauty shortcircuits intellect. Beauty gets behind our watchful dragons.
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  • Flee

    True story time again. So I was driving the taxi late one night and I got a call to pick up a guy from somewhere. It was just that random. Just a guy from somewhere. Nothing special about it.

    So I pick him up and immediately introduce myself. My theory was always that people would probably be less likely to hurt me if I made a connection with them. I’d always go something like, “Hi, my name is Sarah. What’s your name?” They’d answer and then I’d say something like, “Oh cool, nice to meet you…” and then get the small talk rolling until the destination.

    Well after I introduce myself to this guy and ask him his name, he tells me his name is satan or the devil. I can’t remember exactly now, but I got the point and so do you.

    Now back in those days, I wasn’t where I’m at now spiritually. I was more fear-based than love-based. So in some senses this was like almost the worst thing that could happen to me at the time.

    But at the same time, intellectually I knew God triumphs over the devil. So I gathered every last bit of courage and strength inside myself and after he introduced himself as satan, I was like ok, I guess we’re going to go straight there so I gotta not beat around the bush. I tried not to show any fear and responded immediately back with all the boldness I could muster something like, “Oh, well I’m on the Jesus side.”

    And then I preceded to talk non-stop about Jesus. I literally tried to say the name of Jesus in every single sentence and just keep talking about Jesus.

    Ol’ dude in the back got so uncomfortable that as we are driving on the interstate access road, he just starts saying, “Stop, stop, stop! Just pull over and let me out!”

    I said, “Sir, but we’re not at your destination. Are you sure you want to get out here and not keep going to your destination?”

    “Yes, yes. Just stop. Just pull over right here and let me out!”

    Well, it was my pleasure. I pulled immediately over into a Jim’s parking lot. He couldn’t wait to open that car door and jump out.

    As he was getting out I said, “Do you want me to pray for you?” He growled back, “NO! Me and Jesus have an understanding!” Then he slammed the door and went on his way.

    I never want to go through that again, but it was so empowering not to give into intimidation. Moments like that give me the confidence I have today to lob a few stones at other Goliaths.

    By the way, people introducing themselves to me as the devil happened multiple times to me in the taxi. I might share another story another time. BUT, when I stopped being afraid is when it stopped happening. Never has this ever happened again to me in the eight years since the last time.

    Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Literally.

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  • Already Included #16 – Emmanuel

    For God so loved rules that He needed to see blood and have someone die before He could let His creation off the hook? That’s not what is recorded. God so loved US. Not rules and laws.

    Today I listened again to Dan Schiopu’s message entitled “Emmanuel, God Is With Us“. Dan has a unique gift for delivery. I recommend you listen to the entire message.

    However, here are some quotes mixed with my own thoughts after listening:

    Our initial error is doubting God’s uncompromising goodness. And that continues to be our struggle.

    We have a perception problem. Not a legal problem.

    Man changed with the fall. Not God.

    “You are not valuable because of the price Jesus paid for you. Jesus paid the price for you because of your value.”

    “The Bible doesn’t say that your goodness leads God to repentance.”

    “Repentance is not something that you do to change God’s mind about you. It’s something that happens to you, to your mind when you discover who The Father really is.”

    “You can reject your own sonship, but you cannot change it.”

    The parable of the prodigal son is not about a Father waiting for a son to come home and humble himself. The parable of the prodigal son is not that we need to change our behavior. The point of the story is that God has never loved us less even when we are at our worst. The story is about changing OUR minds to see that God is always the Father that never walks away from us and never stops being our Father. Who loves us forever. A love without end. AMEN?

    The gospel is not about mercy being given to undeserving sinners. The gospel is about God coming to get His kids back from being alienated from Him only in their minds.

    The blood of Jesus was not shed to appease God. The blood of Jesus was shed to appease OUR conscience. Now we have no excuse. The worst has already been done to God. And we did it. Not The Father. We threw our best punch at Jesus and God didn’t stop loving us and He didn’t leave us.

    So we can run to Him even at our worst. The same Jesus who ate with prostitutes and touched lepers. To prove to us that we have nothing to be afraid of.

    The blood of Jesus was not shed so God can accept us. The blood of Jesus was shed so WE can accept God!!

    The blood of Jesus is not the barrier that protects you from God. He is always Emmanuel.

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  • Already Included #15: A Spiritual Evolution – Justice

    Whew! I’ve been meaning to write on John MacMurray’s new book “A Spiritual Evolution” as I am reading it. However, life has been so busy that I haven’t been able to do more than read it. However, I had to take time out tonight to comment on Chapter 7. The theme of the chapter is justice. Without spoiling how John masterfully articulates the old view with the new-to-us view, I’ll share a few thoughts.

    There is so much to take away from Chapter 7, however the biggest practical application for me was considering whether I truly want restoration or vengeance towards those who have harmed me? I think back and I realize more often than not I want others to hurt as badly as they’ve hurt me.

    Understandable some might say. But I have dressed up my desire for them to hurt by cloaking it in the illusion of religious piety. I’ve made God out to be their punisher instead of me.

    That’s helped me move on in the face of such great pain and suffering. That has helped me put one foot in front of the other. And should we tell the victim fresh out of tragedy that they should desire the offender’s restoration? I wouldn’t dare! Even God says be angry. And do not sin.

    This is the messy, messy business of real life and relationship versus religion.

    Maybe this is the reason the theme of forgiveness keeps coming up in my life. I’ve run the gamut from repeatedly exposing myself to people who have hurt me because I incorrectly thought God wanted me to do that. All the way through to allowing myself to be angry, then learning how to protect myself, and now this. Now this. Like a ton of bricks.

    Maybe forgiveness doesn’t just mean we only choose not to punish them. Maybe forgiveness also means at some point, organically through the Love of the Trinity being poured into us and the power of Holy Spirit, eventually we can actually want the offender to be restored in the sense of regaining their health. Not in the sense of necessarily letting them back into our lives.

    I hope John continues to explore this in his book. This is not a book to rush through if you can relate to John’s journey. The implications of what he is saying are many and warrant time spent in contemplation. And action.

    How many relationships has this desire for vengeance impacted in my life?! Moving on requires substantial efforts in letting go of ego. But then also dealing with past hurts. These modern day frustrations do not often warrant the responses I give them. There is still that sting of being wronged years ago that is so easily hit upon as I am still waiting for my version of justice to be served all this time later. I am still waiting for the news that they feel some level of pain that makes them understand what they have done and feel sorry enough to humble themselves and make amends.

    And probably the latter part of that is necessary to restore relationship. But do I actually want to see them recover from their fall and be happy and successful? How “fair” do I feel it is for me to be imprisoned by this pain for so many years and then see them successful and doing well without going through at least the same amount of pain? I do not want this on my own. And yet I do not want to face my own version of justice for my own failures. Aye, the quandary!

    Thank God that He is faithful to complete the work He starts in us. Easier said on paper than put into practice. But He doesn’t leave us for one second. We are not abandoned. We are not punching bags. We are not doormats. Somehow all this works out on a supernatural level.

    For now we ask Holy Spirit for comfort, direction, understanding, and strength. One step at a time. Trinity has always been and always will be for us more than we are for ourselves. And to that we can rest and say “amen”.

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  • Already Included #12 – Value

    For the first time, I get it. My value doesn’t come from anything or anyone other than whose I AM. They say the value of something is what someone is willing to pay for it. Jesus proved that God, the complete Trinity, loves us through hell and back. No reservations. No expectations. Only the constant reminders of how safe we are. Rest. As little children that know only love, protection, and being comforted.

    I don’t have to do anything. In the sense of performance or what passes for success. Now I know Life. Now I enjoy what is good. Now I play and am free to relish. Free to fully love. And live out loud. Perfect love casts out fear. And the compulsion to prove myself.

    I don’t have to study, but I want to. I don’t have to be in business, but I want to. I don’t have to travel, or own a home, or get a degree, or etc etc etc. But I might want to.

    The grades I make don’t tell me anything about my value. The weight I carry doesn’t define my worth. The age I am or all my colors and scars. Where I live or who knows me. All that stuff is extra.

    At the core, all the way to the bedrock of my soul, I am completely loved by my Creator. And so are you.

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  • If I Die Then I Die

    To start, I love living and am in no way interested in dying. Read more for the explanation of the title of this post.

    Today I was reminded of the story of Esther. I was reminded that Esther started out as an orphan. Raised by someone else. Then chosen to be Queen. But in some ways probably feeling abandoned all over again. The story reminds us that Esther noted that her husband hadn’t called on her for I think over 30 days. And so she is Queen but probably still feeling like that little girl that is alone in the world. After so much excitement. Probably hope also. Maybe this is my deliverance. Maybe this is my forever story. Being chosen. Not just another season of disappointment. “God, I thought we were going a certain direction?” It must have felt like such a let down. Then fear on top of fear. Being asked to lay her life down in order to attempt to protect others. She gets to the point where she decides to act in accordance with letting all of her dreams go. She says something to the effect of, “If I die then I die.”

    I think now of Abraham. Told that he and Sarah would have a child. Years and years go by. No child. Then he finally has the child and is asked to sacrifice the child. Not literally. That isn’t the point of the story. But while he was going through it, that is what he saw. Here you give me this promise God, and then I have to let it go. God prevailed in a powerful way, but the theme is similar to Esther.

    I think of Moses. Same thing. Promised he would lead his people out. Then off to the desert until he was an old man. Tending sheep. No hope in sight. He gets to the point where he doesn’t even want the call anymore. In a way. He tells God to send someone else who he thinks would be more qualified.

    David. Told he would be king. Then he has to deal with Saul trying to kill him over and over. Running and hiding in caves. Not living the life he probably associated with being a king.

    Joseph. Given a dream. Then shipped off for years and years. Enduring so much unfair treatment.

    All of them having to get to the point where they know they were given a promise, but having to accept their current circumstances as is. Having to let go and trust the timing to God. Trust the way to God.

    I can relate. I don’t feel like I see the full picture yet. There are probably so many things happening right now that will only make sense later. Right now the suffering blinds me to the bigger picture. Blinds me to anything other than wanting relief. I empathize with those who sought solutions and resolutions. Who fight against the pressure.

    I feel like I can continue to wear myself out. I can continue to cry and carry on. I can panic. Or I can let go and trust God. I can seek Him inside my heart.

    Silence is torturous for me. I don’t want to hear all my fears. But tonight for a few minutes I ran out of things to distract me.

    I tried to sit with God. I told Him I was angry at Him and disappointed. He already knew. I felt like He assured me that He wasn’t angry or disappointed with me.

    I felt a brief settling. More like a child who is too exhausted to fight anymore. Not giving up the battle for control. But too tired to take up arms.

    I felt again like I have so many times before, absolute assurance of being loved by God. And the kind encouragement to trust. That I am not alone, that there is more going on than meets the eye, that good things are in the future, and that this is not the end.

    I rely on the testimonies of those we read about to give me any hope that these things are true.

    My new motto is to lessen the self-imposed stress I put on myself. I don’t yet understand why, but a big part of that is letting go. Of the compulsion to be “great” or do “great” things. Of the pressure to be “successful” as society defines success. Of the need to do anything other than try to be the best person I can be to myself and others. Starting with mastering the basics first.

    It is both sad and ok. Sad in that I have spent so many years driven by this need to perform, be perfect, and excel. The ego part of me mourns letting myself down in that respect. But on the other hand, it is also ok. Suddenly I can enjoy a day, I can genuinely enjoy a rest. I can take the time to appreciate a meal for simply being appealing and delicious. Versus analyzing the macros that will tilt the balance of my plans for world domination. I speak facetiously to the extreme to prove a point.

    This letting go feels like a good thing in the long run. As completely uncomfortable as I feel even in releasing so little at a time. It feels like I am finally handing the wheel over to God and saying, “Will you drive?” Not in a legalistic sense. But rather like when you finally are getting to know someone and letting them in. My heart. Not just my mind.

    I anticipate more adventures are ahead. Now that I don’t have my checkboxes to manage, I can better enjoy the ride.

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