Woke up at 3am with an attack of the “shoulds”. Second-guessing decisions I’ve made that required a lot of courage. Remembered someone who is sane in Christ telling me, “Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself.” Remembered another friend saying if I can’t find direction in the Bible then I am free to choose.

Maybe we allow our enemy to keep us in bondage by accepting all that condemnation being rained down. Maybe God allows the battles so we can work through all the “shoulds” and get stronger in our true identity in Christ. And not have the “shoulds” available as a chain for others to jerk us around.

I am free to choose the job I want. I am free to choose where I want to live. I am free to choose who I want to marry.

I want to marry someone who wants me as much as I want them. I want to marry someone who is not ok with me not being in their life. I want someone who has good character and values. Who seeks God like I do. Etc.

That’s when the enemy says, “Who do you think you are? All full of yourself. Like anyone would ever want you like that.” And then the performance train rolls by and asks me to jump on. The “shoulds”.

But I’m not jumping on. I’m going to believe my God is big enough to match me up with someone who wants me as much as I want them. And I’ll work on being the best version of myself in the meantime. For me. Because I won’t be happy if I don’t like or respect myself.

Simple freedom. In Christ. Amen.

About two weeks ago I wanted some spiritual nourishment so I searched online for a particular speaker I have enjoyed listening to. There are thousands of results when you type this speaker’s name online. One of the first results was a video from January 2017. I only clicked on it because I was sure I hadn’t seen it before.

So I absolutely loved the video. I shared it with many people because I was so happy. Mixed reactions. Most didn’t reply back. Maybe only two people liked it. A few engaged in friendly respectful conversation even if they disagreed. And then some gave me a lot of flack.

All to say, the speaker on the video was a guest speaker at a church in New Jersey. Because I liked the video so much and because of the intensity of the reactions I received, I emailed the pastor of that church and thanked him for posting the video and commended him for his courage.

The pastor replied back and I told him I live in Texas and have been attending a Bible study in a small town north of Austin. Well, turns out he had just visited that town because he has family members that live there. Then through more email conversations we figure out that one of his family members attends the same church and is friends with someone that I know from the Bible study group that I attend.

Out of all the 2000+ videos I could have watched. And I can’t remember ever emailing a pastor like that before. And it “just so happens” that this pastor knows someone that knows someone that I know. So crazy. Why I have a hard time believing in randomness, coincidences, or luck.

Small world. Big God.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Seek and you will find. My heart keeps burning along a certain path. I have no idea where the end will lead me. But tonight I was searching for something Torah-related and ran across the following two quotes that blew my mind in regards to how Passover used the Israelites’ knowledge of Egyptian religious practices in painting the picture that was intended to help them see Jesus.

“The final plague comes and the Hebrew slaves have to be willing to sacrifice a lamb and place its blood on the door. That lamb was a symbol that Pharaoh — worshiped with the lamb — is not God. Human power is not to be worshiped.”

“…the author(s) of the Torah apparently knew about a ‘sheep god’. Quite possibly this recalls Amun, one of the most important deities of ancient Egypt. Amun took on many forms, and as god of Thebes he was depicted as ram-headed. His worshipers sacrificed a ram once a year at which time its fleece would be used as clothing for a ram-headed idol. Another Egyptian ram-headed god was Banebdjed, associated with Osiris, who wore a crown with ram’s horns.”

The Egyptians worshiped sun gods. And Jesus came as The Son of God. The Egyptians worshiped a source of light in our world. Jesus came as The Light of the world. So cool.

And there the theme of “covering” again. That’s been one of my words that keeps coming up the past six months. Yet another layer of meaning now.

Amazing! Makes me want to dig more and more. I think we are missing a giant piece of the picture if we scare away from The “Old” Testament. I am completely fascinated.

Had an epiphany of sorts.

I’ve known for a long time that anger is a surface emotion covering for sadness. Lately I heard someone elaborate on that concept by explaining that anger is deep grief, deep grieving.

In my more contemplative moments, I’m able to usefully apply that knowledge to my own life. But I only remember just now being aware that anger being hurled towards me is also a sign that the raging person is also deeply grieving.

I tend to focus on the attacking portion of the presenting behavior – because it is literally in my face. It presses all those flight, fight, freeze, and fawn buttons. But it seems once the immediate danger is over, it is also instinctive to want to distance myself far away from the trauma of such an interaction. Not only physically, but inside also.

Which has prevented me from contemplating that the presenting anger might most often not actually be the real issue. It seems like any little thing can set off someone’s anger. And I think we get caught up in focusing on all of those little things that are easier to face. Easier to blame. Than doing the work of diving deep to figure out, name, or deal with the real nuclear core of our anger/grief.

Over the years I’ve used different things to district myself from anger/grief. I’ve distracted myself with things I don’t care to share publicly all the way to the absolutely mundane (hours of Freecell). It can be frustrating. To conquer a layer of grief. A mountain of anger. Only to realize that was only one of many layers of anger/grief/distraction. Only to realize there is more work to do.

We might tap out and say, “Nah, I’ll just deal with this like it is right now. It’s ok. I’ve been doing it this long.” But those things have a way of growing and getting our attention one way or another. With our blessing and cooperation. Or sometimes in the form of a usually untimely crisis.

I say this specifically because as a woman, I now realize I’ve sort of always assumed men were “angrier”. But what if men were the same as women in that they feel grief as deeply as women? Yet tragically without the same public encouragement to express their true emotions? So they are left with the primitive responses to mountains of grief that are stacked and stacked for years inside of them. Not at all to be trite, but that is a perfectly deadly situation.

What if instead of hating the angry person, and God-forbid responding in anger (of which I am guilty), we could have the emotional maturity and self-discipline to step back and ask ourselves first what they could be so sad about? I’m not advocating codependent behavior. Or tolerating or enduring abuse. I’m just saying when violence is not a threat, what if we stood back and took our ego out of the equation? What would we find if we asked ourselves what the other person could be grieving about?

This isn’t just a local problem in our immediate relationships. Our entire nation is angry. Our entire nation is grieving. We are already the zombies they make movies about. Look up when you are walking through the store. Try to make eye contact. We are all tired. We are all hungry for hope. This country has by no means been perfect, but some of us remember better times. That start is enough to cry over. The full list is easily more extensive.

I have some personal habits that I am trying to break. They are distractions from anger/grief. That’s why they are so difficult to break. Realized clearing up the underlying issues is going to be the key to long-term success versus just switching from one bad habit to another. In that, I wondered today if it would actually help to make a list of everything I am sad about. Even considering the thought was enough to switch my mind to thinking of more pleasant things. However, truly I find my way out usually involves going in.

But then I thought, what space might be available in our brains, our hearts, our lives, our relationships, our families if we did the hard work? If we faced it? Dealt with all the junk? And at least put work into motion towards fixing at least even small parts of the problem? Might we then have more presence of mind and energy of heart to see all the good that still remains? To see the potential in one another versus only the threats? Am I a Pollyanna? By no means. But I’ve experienced those moments enough to know they are possible in greater measure than maybe many experience now.

Food for thought is all I really meant. But I don’t want to end without sharing my hope. If I didn’t personally experience God’s strength alone getting me through so many days of life on this planet, I’d think mentioning Him at this point would be a platitude. But my truth is my truth. And my only hope. If not for change on this planet during my life, then the strength to carry on until it’s time for me to cross over to the other side.

In the meantime, I aim for the best. Because every day I still can find beauty. Life. Hope. In a smile. Or a kind word. Or a generous gesture. In laughs. In music. In art. In love – as broken as we are.

We are waiting for change, but we are the change. Right here. Right now. In your circle of influence. You can make someone’s day better today. Even in your broken state. Together we are strong. Divided we fall.

Never give up.

It is interesting to me that physics so clearly proves that we orbit the sun. Yet when it comes to spiritual beliefs, we act as if The Son revolves around us. As if what we do determines what God does.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if our solar system was setup specifically as a picture to help us understand our place in all time? That would bring up additional questions such as what could the moon represent? How about the other planets and the stars?

I feel like we will learn so much after we pass from this earth into whatever comes next. The Bible says we see dimly now and will eventually know as we are known. Fascinating.

The more you seek, the more you find. Way outside the limits of any box we can fabricate in our minds. I am so glad. Terror if you don’t know God’s character. An endless adventure if you surrender to trusting that we are in a cosmic dance with our Creator and He is the Lead, just like the sun and The Son.

Wouldn’t it be easier to trust if we could rest in knowing all this doesn’t depend on us? That God’s love could be that big? As big as the immeasurable universe He Created?

I was thinking about the phrase: “God gives us all an invitation to the table.” I remembered in Matthew the part about how there was one guy who got kicked out of the banquet hall because he didn’t have the correct wedding attire. But the previous verses specifically say the people who were in the banquet hall were people of no means. Surely they did not have wedding garments stashed away in their bags as they lay begging on the sides of the highways?

So were they given wedding garments by the king? Was the problem that the man who was kicked out was trying to cover himself by himself?

Is there any parallel to Christ being our covering? And to Adam and Eve attempting to cover themselves? They were kicked out also.

The story in Matthew is about a wedding feast and we are the bride of Christ. Is there any connection with Passover? The people were being covered by the blood of the lamb as death passed over them.

A quick Google search seems to confirm my suspicions: the tradition seems to be that the King provided the clothes for the wedding guests. Just as Pharaoh provided clothes for Joseph’s family when they arrived. Which makes me wonder – Joseph was in trouble in the first place because of his colorful garments.

I could go on and on. So much to explore.