Sarah Nyhan

I was told that cursing was a sin. And they defined cursing as saying words like: damn, shit, fuck, bitch, etc.

I used to believe that definition of cursing. Because it was all I ever heard and knew.

But now I no longer refer to those words as curse words or cursing. I no longer believe that saying those words is “sinful”. Most of the time. 

In fact sometimes saying those words is the best use of the English language. At least in terms of how those words are received by many.

I now define sin as thinking differently about things than how Trinity thinks. I no longer see sin as necessarily a moral issue. I see it more as a perception and understanding issue. 

Sin, as I now understand it, can lead to hurtful behaviors, sure. And absolutely. Just look around – that much is undebatable. 

And there is accepted morality especially socially. 

But I now view cursing as more of damning someone to separation from Trinity. Not that I believe in actuality that someone can be separated from Trinity. Their Love knows no end – yes and Amen. 

But what I am referring to is misleading someone into “sinning” by THINKING that they are separate from God. Separate from their Creator. Separate from Holy Spirit, Trinity, their heavenly Father. Etc.

So I now believe that most preachers that I’ve heard curse WAY MORE than I do. Almost all day every day some of them. Just raining, pouring out and down non-stop condemnation. 

As if they have room to judge. As if they are somehow qualified to be the intermediary to determine whether God is upset with someone. 

You don’t have enough of your own work to do? Oh that’s right, you don’t actually work in the real world. All you do is sit on your high horse and make people feel bad. Then collect checks from ’em. 

Try running that shit out here in the streets. Without the insulation of your little clique of followers that you don’t even respect. You’ll get eaten up real bad. You’ll get your pompous ass handed to you and humbled real quick out here with real Life, real problems, and real people. Instead of endless navel-gazing and intellectual masturbation.

I used to think the Bible verse about two different kinds of water coming out the same spring was related to saying words like fuck, damn, shit, bitch, etc.

Now I understand and believe completely different. 

Now I think that verse relates more towards what preachers do. How they blaspheme the character of God. How they twist and have to do mental gymnastics to say out one side of their mouth that God is Love and God is good. But then turn right around sometimes in the same breath and say the complete opposite: that god sends little babies to a never-ending barbeque pit to literally and physically burn and roast alive for the rest of time just because they even had a thought that was a “mistake”.

That’s two diametrically opposed gods. 

The real God says Trinity merciful, gracious, slow to anger, patient, long-suffering. But then these cursing religious folk turn right around and say god also loves rules more than Their Creation. So much so that only the shedding of blood and the burning of literal human flesh will make this maniac monster god happy enough. 

Nothing about that makes sense. Like ocean and fresh water coming out of the same spring.

The real Trinity doesn’t require you to suspend your intellect. The real Trinity didn’t require anyone at all to die ever. For any sacrifice.

It is us who demands punishment. Us who demand blood. Us who demand death.

God said, “Okay, bet.” And Jesus came down to take away any excuse we have to not forgive each other. God said, “Whatever you think someone owes you, Trinity will pay that debt. Name the price.”

Now that’s not a message that sold well when Romans were enslaving folks back then. Or when the oligarchs enslave us today. No getting rich preaching that message. Or winning many friends. I’m living proof. 

But to say that anyone, even the Romans and oligarchs, even the modern-day religious zealots and Pharisees, are not as Loved by God as those whose every other word is shit, damn, fuck, and bitch – now that’s the real travesty. That’s the real sin.

When I hear a leader of my former church community telling people that they are and will be rejected by God because they happen to be living with someone they Love and/or are fucking, that is what I now consider cursing. That’s bullshit to me.

That is majoring in the minors. 

Whether living with that person is beneficial to everyone or not may or may not be an issue. I’m sure there are real benefits to making a commitment to each other before becoming financially entangled. Just to name one consideration. 

But sleeping in the same bed as and fucking another consenting adult has zero, and I will die on this – ZERO – to do with whether Trinity Loves, accepts, and is pleased. Especially when it comes to what happens after our human bodies give out.

That makes sense. That doesn’t require appointing yourself as the morality police to do patrols on people’s personal lives in order to condemn everyone. Instead of dealing with your own unhappiness and jealousy. 

Instead of REALLY getting real with Jesus. You won’t ask the hard questions. Because you don’t really believe this “god” you preach so hard. Why would you? He seems quite the narcissist. Quite the egotistical monster.

No thanks. 

I believe in a better God.

The real God who has not disappointed since I switched. 

I no longer am suicidal at least as it pertains to confusion or dread. Once I was shown and understood The real God, immediately a hardfast peace settled everything in me instantly. And never left me. 

Despite the whole damn world falling apart in the interim. Society and personally. Every thing!!! Except Jesus Loves me – that is the ONLY thing that remains.

And not just me. Every last person. Every last thing. No matter what. No matter who. No matter what they have done. None of it separates you from relationship with Christ. 

Only consequences in how you experience this time and the people you have been given. Including your relationship with yourself.

To say otherwise is to curse. To damn people. At least in how they think. To unnecessarily torture them. 

And God-forbid you tell a child the things you tell adults!!! Children in age specifically. But also applies to the spiritual age of all.

To make everyone twice the sons of hell that you are. Always reading, always studying. But never coming to comprehension.

Women – led by their guilt. Worshipping their own opinions over what God said long ago: if you so need punishment, if you so need whips and chains – fine, but it is FINISHED! For your sakes, for your guilt-ridden conscience only — on a Cross 2,000 years ago!

Or how much MORE millennia of blood will YOU require until YOU will be satisfied!?! Until YOU will unhook Jesus from The Cross and go actually Live your damn, fucking LIFE before your shit ass gets taken out like a bitch!?! 

God standing there on the other side like, “I tried to tell you.” Still with zero condemnation. Only Love. 

THAT is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Even now. When you think of all the time you lost just singing those same damn hymns in the pews ad nauseum. Completely missing the point.

Some of us. Cause I was once there also.

Let me stop. Cause there are little lambs who don’t fall into that category. Who don’t need my tongue-lashing. Most start out fine. With nothing but good intentions.

My screaming and yelling is for the others. Only because I so desperately want them to wake up. And stop hurting themselves and others.

Alas, I am no Jesus. Am no Holy Spirit. 

But my dumb ass is eternal hopeful. So I keep leaving these breadcrumbs as I trudge along. Mourning that I have no one to celebrate with. The ACTUAL good news. At least yet. My healing first. I suppose.

So yes, I will continue on with as much colorful language as fits situations. 

And as frustrated as I am by those who appoint themselves to judge. And reject myself and others – who find what words we can to describe the hells of pain we’ve endured. Even at the hands and mouths of those who will then exclaim they Love God so much. Yet there is no doubt in my mind that even them, even you, are Loved by Trinity just as much as me. Just as much as everyone else. Totally. 

You know why you can’t win? You know why you’re still failing? You know why you can’t ever get the motivation to do the work?

Because you are settling down. Instead of going for what you REALLY want. 

You have all this time been trying to figure out what the least amount is that you can accept and try to exist without completely losing it. Without wanting to kill yourself. Without turning into a person who hurts others out of spite. Out of reeeeeally despising other people’s happiness. 

You don’t believe it’s possible. You think they’re all deluding themselves. You laugh as you call them stupid. At least you have your superiority to fall back on at night. 

But that’s just convenient excuses to keep you from doing the really hard work. Of figuring out whether what you really want is quantitatively unreasonable. Or if you’re just scared to go for it and lose. To put all your eggs in one basket and come out looking like a fool. 

Does God really Love you THAT much? To have your back. To show up for you and your dreams? No, the big ones – the ones you know better than to tell to others. 

The dreams that even scare you. 

Nobody, absolutely nobody is able to walk this final push, this significant skin in the game, except you. If they could then it would be their dream also. But it’s not. Even the best can smile and nod. But nobody has the fire that is in you for these specific things. Not like you do.

You gonna take the easy way out? You gonna convince yourself not to go for it if nobody else understands? 

I tried that. I became physically ill. God had to slow my ass down. Make me all the way sit. In my own damn company. Until we wrestled all this out properly. 

EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

For years! For however long it takes. Until I believe in myself. Even a smidge that God does. Trinity made me after all.

I’m not special. I’m not unique. So you can’t use that as a cop out. I think it’s safe to say most have a dream. But pretty much everyone I know who grew up here was raised to be a corporate slave. To orient your safety as completely dependent on the approval of the tribe. And specifically the members who appear to have the most resources.

You think it’s social suicide to insist that you matter. That what you want is necessary. Versus a luxury.

You have ALL this time been trying so hard to stuff yourself down. To squeeze yourself into the very small and incredibly boring box they insist on so that your big ideas don’t dare challenge anyone else. By golly it sounds like you worship comfort more than you believe in a Great Big GOD who actually Created the entire Cosmos. 

You make god out to be in the image of your fathers. The ones who left. The ones who maybe fed and clothed you. Sometimes you were homeless. But most of the times at least you had access to a toilet and showers. 

Don’t talk to me about gratitude. You can ingratiate yourselves to each other with that bullshit. When it’s a way to dodge doing the deep work. 

But not me. This existence I have been dying through completely sucks. I hate it. I can finally admit that.

I thought I had to power through. Because no one rescued me when I needed rescuing.

Well, now God’s got me rescuing my damn self.

So be it. I am stronger for it. Although I resent people putting me in this position. I’ll be okay. At least God sees to it. Eventually.

All this hard work so I value myself. Truly value myself. And not give myself away so easily as I did for so many extremely painful decades. Some of us gotta learn that way. 

Your body knows. You indeed have made endless valiant attempts to settle. To go along to get along. To deny, deny, deny the aching desires desperate to BREATHE!

How many more years before you forgive yourself? Before you set yourself free?

The gates of heaven are always open. Her doors shall never be shut. 

It’s you that has tried so hard to settle for hell. You believe in damnation more than emancipation. All the while proclaiming you follow a resurrected God. 

Live like it!!! Live like Jesus not just tolerates you – but actually enjoys you. Is actually excited that about who you really are. Not for some greater purpose. Certainly not only or even ever as just a tool to be used. Or else what gospel is that?!

I can’t save anyone else. 

Switch the narrative. Stop telling stories as if everyone and everything got away. No, it was all allowed to fall apart. Allowed to go away. Because you never would. You fell in lust with people’s potential. Versus reality. 

Pain ‘ll wake you up alright. It did me. The only way for some of us. Oh I believe in that hell! The burning away of all that was put on us by others. All the burdens we were taught over and over to carry. All the years they stole from us.

Knock yourself out. But I done enough rounds around this damn desert. Ready to learn my lesson(s)! Please Jesus, please save me from my limiting beliefs. Please save me for settling for crumbs of attention instead of real Love. You know I don’t have a clue. All completely foreign to me. You have been frustrating all my attempts to give myself away for too, too little. Please help me see myself and others as Your heart sees us. I need relief so badly. Please as many years more as are best for me. Thank You for saving me from giving up on myself completely. For reminding me day after day that You see and Love Me. Amen!

What do I REALLY want?!

All my fears found me. I lost the career. I got the cancer. Everyone left me. The people I wanted most left and/or died. I did pass out in public and the ambulance was called. The bills still aren’t paid. Even a stranger pulled a gun on me. I ended up homeless. I could go on and on.

I hate to admit this, but it was both the most awful and best thing. I finally gave up. So much more to say. But yes, letting go was a big relief.

I feel like I am climbing my way back up somewhere now. Not how I was headed before.

I don’t at all miss the fear. I understand every day everything, and I do mean everything, can go “wrong”. But at this point death would be relief. 😂

So I kinda just look expectantly towards the adventure of each day now.

I always say I am going to roll out of this life like the last car in a demolition derby. I lost all face with people whose goal is to do the opposite. But turns out those weren’t my people anyway. They never really liked me. They were just entertained by watching me fall like they feared they never could.

It IS a lot. But it is what it is.

I got lost in the sauce there with explaining what I wanted to explain. But basically my real Life started over once I stopped fighting all my fears finding me.

There are thousands of reasons to give up. But they won’t make you sleep any better at night. Your dreams will never stop haunting you. Until you actually try.

You haven’t actually tried. Not for real, for real.

Yeah, you gave it a go. You ran up to the line. You made at least one effort. Maybe a few more. But then you gave up, bitch. You went and sat on the sidelines to cry about it. You said, “This must not have been for me.” After only THAT many attempts?!

What ego! To think other people have to work at things, but then you cop out if you can’t get it right away! Other people have to work for things, but you shouldn’t? Other people have to work for things, but you are going to throw a pity party if it doesn’t come easy for you? Ridiculous! So much ego!

Do you really want it or not?!

You KNOW you could have done better! You know more would be possible if you actually put in more work. If you actually tried.

But trying requires investment. Trying requires commitment. Trying means putting some actual skin in the game.

Trying requires saying no to other GOOD things. With no guarantee or promise that you’ll actually succeed. That you may lose a lot and not see a return on your efforts.

You might still lose.

But maybe at least you’d respect yourself more. Right now you are mad at yourself. Right now you are furious with yourself. When you see other people have what you might be able to get.

Or let’s face it: maybe too much time has passed. Maybe you have lost so much already. But does that mean you should just completely give up on anything you want ever being possible?!

I’m so mad at myself. That I let fear steal so many years. That I let depression win anything. But that doesn’t mean it makes any sense to throw away the rest of my time here.

The problem is you have to face whether you REALLY believe things you want are actually possible. You have to have that conversation with yourself. It’s not easy. But that’s the thin line.

How badly do you want it?

I will hate myself if I continue down this path I’ve walked. This giving up. It was necessary for a time. Because I put way too much pressure on myself. Incorrectly from how I was taught by others.

So the pressure is off now. There are no outside motivations anymore. No outside drivers. It’s just me staring my dreams down in the face. It’s just me staring myself in the face. And asking myself if I’m about that lazy bullshit. If that’s how I want to go down.

Or do my dreams mean enough to me to actually try. To actually put in the work.

Am I going to be happy continuing to distract myself from the pain of not having what I really want? Or am I actually going to try? Actually get back in the game FOR REAL this time?

Not making excuses. Not letting myself off the hook.

Looking all the hard work in the face and saying, “Let’s do this.” For myself. For future me. Not because I have to. But because that’s the only way I’ll be happy and respect myself. Full stop.

Was I really serious when I said, “never give up”? Or am I just a bullshitter?