I wonder if the devolution of a society results from the devolution of their theology? Which I then wonder if that devolution of their theology is correlated to the moral failures of their religious leaders?

In any event, I just feel like the America that I grew up in wasn’t as crazy as what it is right now. And I remember a lot more religion back in the day. Maybe that was just the culture I was in, but America seemed different.

And you should know I am not in favor of religion carte blanche. But I wonder if kids even ever get exposure to the concept of God when they are growing up today?

This question of the demise of a society being strongly correlated to the demise of their theology came about as I was watching a video about India. India and China have the most people in their countries in the entire world. And specifically the people of India have a lot more history as a civilization than America. And yet, from what I see and read, the poverty over there is just overwhelming. You’d think with time, a society or a culture would get better. Not worse. So why isn’t India leading the charge as the nation’s most advanced and established country? Far beyond America? Is it at all related to theology? Or lack thereof?

Was India ever on top of the entire world in terms of being like the powerhouse that the United States has been considered in many circles in recent decades? If so, what happened? Where did it go wrong? And was that in any way related to religion?

I think America is suffering greatly because we are not united. And at least in practice, I think even the semblance of a theology that most people choose to align with probably has a better effect on a group than not having any theology at all. And I think a lot of America’s troubles relate to this crisis in faith. We became so smart that we saw through the errors in religion. But we threw the whole damn baby out with the bathwater. And now we are flailing. Wandering in the void. Searching for meaning. Losing our country and our economy in the process. In my opinion.

I don’t believe we are at a total loss. These things are cyclical. We have to zoom out and see the bigger picture. I think the destruction of religion was helpful. But we’re just in that growing pains part of the story right now. Where we are trying to figure out what is next. Collectively.

But I’m part of the collective. Locally and globally.

And I don’t see many other countries having much better success. We can all feel it. The world is crying out for a solution.

So I write. I do my part. This is what I know to do.

And I’m confident that God could come down into the sky and shine bright and course-correct everyone in an instant. But I don’t think that’s how God works. And I don’t know why. But it just seems like for some reason God is unbothered by all our workings of this out. God is not in a panic. And God wants and maybe even insists in us being involved all along the way. Like, there doesn’t seem to be a rush. Like the journey is the point. Versus getting to the finish line for the sake of. Because God is big enough to do that without our help. And yet here we are. Here I am. Here you are. Reading this right now. Why?

So I write. I tell my story. I try to invite people to consider the Hope that found me. The only real meaning I bank on. The only way I am sane in what feels like absolute madness sometimes.

But think of the other countries. China is officially an atheist state. And I don’t know facts, but to my understanding at least the USSR was a very dangerous place to be as a Christian. Same in North Korea. Think of all the other countries where you are actually persecuted for being a different religion. Which in my opinion means you are not worshipping The God who is LOVE.

And I’m sure Hinduism has many things to teach Christians. Same with other religions. I’m sure there are kernels of truth in most faith practices. But I wonder if people groups devolve when they stray away from a centering belief that their Creator Loves them and is not mad at them. I wonder if that’s where everything starts to go astray.

And maybe that’s the way back. To show each other that there is nothing to be afraid of. One by one. One teach one. And then maybe things will get better. The audacity to actually live what we say we believe. And make a real difference.

So much more, but that’s it for now.

I was reminded of something tonight that I learned while taking a driver’s education class. There is a phenomenon where your brain has a tendency to see only the things that it expects to see. This is particularly dangerous for people like myself who drive four to eight hours a day on the same roads over and over. We can look in the rear view mirror, we can check our blind spot, but sometimes our brain will only give us a mental picture of what we expect to see versus what is actually there. I have experienced it many times.

I tend to be a visual thinker anyway. I have entire parts of the city mapped out in my brain. On a good day it is fascinating. Someone can describe a building that I’ve been to and as I think about the building then all the surroundings will slowly come into focus in my mind from nearest to farthest. I’ve driven this city so much that I usually do not need to use the GPS to give me directions. I can picture one location and I have the entire map of streets in my mind that I can use to navigate to another location.

The bad part about this is that it is easy for my brain to operate on memory versus actual circumstances. More than once I have missed my exit because my brain was operating on auto-pilot. The more dangerous threat is that I will change lanes because my brain expects them to be clear and doesn’t see the actual reality of a car in another lane. I have to be mindful of this as I drive. I try to check multiple times before I switch lanes so that I am sure that I actually saw with my eye and not my brain.

Tonight I was wondering if that applies to us spiritually also. Can we go through the same motions so much that we see what we expect to see versus what is actually there? That gives 2 Corinthians 5:7 an even deeper meaning: “For we live by faith, not by sight.”

And how many times do we have miracles of Jesus healing people so they could see clearly? One of those stories is in Matthew 10 where Jesus sees a blind man and he asks the blind man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” The blind man asks for his sight and Jesus says, “Go, your faith has made you well.” Interesting!

Jesus quoted the book of Isaiah as he announced himself in the synagogue: “The Spirit of The Lord is upon Me, because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of The Lord.”

Wow, Jesus. One of the first things He did was identify Himself as The One to give sight to the blind. Surely this goes beyond physical blindness! Surely the poor, the captives, and the oppressed are more than just the physical – also the spiritually poor, the spiritually captive, the spiritually oppressed?

Science makes this even more fascinating. Problems start happening when things happen faster than our brain can process them.

Another interesting fact is that the brain will only really see things it understands. To conserve resources, our brains will process information from our eyes and fill in the details with our minds, with information it already expects to be there. This is why people become very tired when they are in new environments. Their brains are processing EVERYTHING the eyes are seeing because it is all new.
Add to that the fact that heightened emotions can cause use to narrow our field of vision. When we don’t expect things to change we sometimes don’t see what is actually happening.

Inattentional blindness, also known as perceptual blindness, is a psychological lack of attention that is not associated with any vision defects or deficits.

We always rag on the religious leaders in Jesus’ day. Saying they should have known who Jesus was. But maybe they didn’t see Him because they were expecting something different based on the mental image in their mind.

Sometimes I listen to music and I don’t want to see the music video because the pictures of the stories that the music induces in my own mind are often better than the music videos. Sometimes when I watch the music video, it ruins the music for me.

Maybe that’s how it was for the religious leaders? We know they expected Jesus to save them from their physical circumstances. They expected Him to come in full glory and free them from the Romans. Even His disciples didn’t get it for a long time.

It’s so interesting to me that with all the prophecy and information in the Old Testament, Jesus’ own people were not in attendance after His birth. Matthew tells the story of Jesus’ birth. The first visitors Matthew mentions are wise men from the east. How interesting! They knew exactly what they wanted to see. They sought Him to worship Him. Imagine the expense of a travel such as that in those times! These men certainly sought God with all they had.

Versus Herod. Herod was the King of Judea. He should have been the leader. A man after God’s own heart. Instead He called together the religious leaders for information. Then he stayed back and told the wise men to find Jesus and then tell him so he could go worship. God knew Herod’s heart. One of my favorite versus is 2 Chronicles 16:9 where it is told that God’s eyes roam the entire earth looking for whose heart is His. He promises that when we seek we will find.

Proverbs 25:2 says it is the glory of God to conceal a thing and the honor of kings to uncover it.

Matthew 13
Therefore I speak to them in parables; because while seeing they do not see, and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. In their case the prophecy of Isaiah is being fulfilled, which says,

‘You will keep on hearing, but will not understand;
You will keep on seeing, but will not perceive;
For the heart of this people has become dull,
With their ears they scarcely hear,
And they have closed their eyes,
Otherwise they would see with their eyes,
Hear with their ears,
And understand with their heart and return,
And I would heal them.’
But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear. For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

Matthew 13:44
The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

God lets Moses see His glory and nothing else.

Romans 1
For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.

Revelation brings responsibility. He doesn’t conceal from us. He conceals for us.

Spurgeon:
“God need not seek out any method of concealment, for if he were to unveil his face among us the glory would be too bright to be beheld. Go and stand, O mortal man, and gaze upon the sun at mid-day! Canst thou do it? Would not thine eyes be thereby blinded? Yet the sun is only one of the myriads of servants in the courts of God; then what must the face of the King himself be? It needs not that he should veil it; his own glory is surely veil enough unto itself.”

Don’t worry about tomorrow. Grace is sufficient.

My name means Princess. My first name. But my middle and my last name mean Warrior. Both of them. A third Princess. And two-thirds Warrior.

I hope the two-thirds Warrior is coming to an end soon. I feel like all I’ve done my whole life is fight to stay alive. To survive. I feel like I have nothing left. That the best of me is all used up.

Please help me, God. I don’t want to go out like this. I mean, I’m sure being with You on the other side doesn’t compare at all to this. But You know me, You know I don’t like to leave things undone. I don’t like to leave like this.

I hope and pray You will show off in the time I have left here. For me and through me for others. That they’ll see and believe You. That I can be a part of that.

Nothing is too difficult for You. Nothing is impossible for You. I believe You are the same God that they tell us about in the stories. You could pull another Red Sea walkthrough today if You wanted to. Another virgin birth even. Whatever You want to do, You can do.

I say this for those that might read and listen another day. Because You know that I know, finally know, that I don’t have to cajole You. I don’t have to convince You.

Maybe the man who asked You to spare the people. Was that Jacob? Maybe he was doing the same thing – asking for the sake of others.

I know I can’t manipulate You. And You know my heart. I want J back. I want everyone back. If it’s for the best. As their best, preferably.

And I just don’t know what else to do with all those desires – so I tell You. Again. Hopeful. But also tired of hoping. Very tired from hoping. Emotionally drained.

I hope I’ll understand why I called out to You and You seem to have also let me pass away. Not yet completely. But my heart feels almost there.

I am asking for a miracle, God. YOU are my only hope. I pray You will show off. Surprise us all! Give this planet CPR. Jumpstart our hearts, our hope, our spirits, and our minds again. We need real change. We need real healing.

I thank You for the Manna, but I am so tired – please get me into the Promised Land. All of us.

If I am like I prayed – to be like Joshua and Caleb. And if sadly this older generation had to pass away in order to give the land to the restless younger ones who have been thankfully wrestling with so many necessary leftovers handed down from those who only knew slavery. If that is the case, please help me go in. I want my mountain! All of it. I want the view from the top. To see the sun rise and the sun set.

I still want to be like Enoch – that close to You. But I apologize. I know I haven’t. I hear You saying not to beat myself up, not to worry about it; that You well know how on edge I have been, how difficult this has been for me, how getting distracted for a bit helps to keep me in the game. But I don’t want to live there, God. Like so many others. I guess I need to have compassion for them. Please help me with that. But I so want us to wake up. For things to get better.

Hopefully without a lot of pain. I don’t want another Hitler. Or another 9/11. Or another Hiroshima. No. Hopefully.

I love You, God. Thank You!

Just like hate isn’t the opposite of love, sadness isn’t the opposite of happiness. I can feel sad while also being happy. Sadness comes from a place of love, not despondency. As long as I feel sad, I am in a really good place.

It is when that sadness is repressed that things get ugly. In my opinion.

And people do it probably mostly unconsciously, but I think overwhelmingly because they have been socialized to know that other people don’t want to deal with their sadness.

So they will be rejected or looked down on if they express anything other than that good ol’ American sturdiness. Where we push through anything. Even blow ourselves up and call it freedom. (Absolutely no shade to those who didn’t know better.)

What people are feeling right now is rage! Manifesting in so many different, very strong ways.

We’ve been lied to. We’ve been used. We sacrificed our best to those who completely manipulated us for their own selfish gain.

And we are pissed!

But still not in our full power. Not unified.

It takes a few wild horses to break from the pack. To show everyone else that there is nothing to be afraid of. Or that it’s worth it either way.

I’m not apologizing anymore because you can’t handle my feelings.

I’m not staying small just so you can continue in your delusions.

I’m not waiting for you to wake up before I go and live what’s left of this incredibly mysterious human experience.

I thought I finally had a family. I thought I finally belonged somewhere. To someone. That I was finally home. Everything stopped when all of that fell away. And I’ve tried to be okay with it. I’ve tried to dust myself off, get back up, and try again for the millionth time. But no matter how many times I’ve tried, it hasn’t worked. This one hurt. This one broke my heart. This one broke my “never give up”.

I don’t want to leave you behind. I’m not okay with that! I’ll never be okay with that.

Why can’t these relationships be fixed? That’s all that matters.

All the money in the world would be helpful. But I want both. All the money in the world would mean so much more if I had those I love to share it with.

Not to feel any obligation. But to share it because I want to share it. Even if I want to say no. I can do that. No guilt.

I’m not okay leaving all those dreams behind. If whatever they want to call it, manifestation, quantum, attraction, etc. Whatever it is. Creating, dreaming, imagining. Whatever they call it.

I just want to scream from the top of my lungs: God, please resurrect all that was good back to life! Please! And even better than it was before!

I hear so much from so many places. Mind body connections. The masculine and the feminine joining. The left and the right wing. Whatever it is, whatever all that is – healing! We need healing so much, God.

I’m not okay walking away and just saying that’s it. I’m not okay laying down and letting those dreams die. If that’s how it is, then somehow I’ll get through. Even though I don’t want to live that life. I don’t want to go into the next like that.

But nothing is too difficult for you, God. You could bring all of this back to life, Real Life. You could resurrect this city, this country, this world. You could do it.

We need You in our hearts. We need to see and hear. To know how much we are Loved.

I can’t do it alone. I’ve tried. I am spent. The encourager needs some encouragement. The encourager needs some Love. Some hugs. Some fun. And a lot of laughs.

I need a home. I need a family. I need someone to love. To sleep next to at night.

I want to shine bright. But my light feels so dim, Father. I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You.

Please, God. Please. You can do anything. I don’t want some hypothetical resolution in the afterlife that probably is mostly true. I want to see it now. I don’t want another day of this earth and these people, Your people, suffering in so much pain and agony. You can do it, God.

They said the volcano was dormant. And then there was a massive explosion. And look what happened in a matter of seconds. But we need more than volcanos. We need a massive showing up from You!

I am so tired, God. I want to see You now. In more than just myself. I want to see You show off and bringing us back to life. Bringing back everything that was good. Even better.

Even my biological family healed somehow. I’ve tried, I can’t do it. They don’t listen to me. You’ve closed their ears and eyes and hearts and minds.

Please let me see You shine and bring us back! You hear the people crying out. We need a miracle, a lot of miracles.

You always show up for me in ways that are bigger than I can imagine, God. But this is bigger than before. The biggest so far.

Please. My soul waits for You. My heart. I am not okay with leaving even one person behind. And I know that is Your heart too.

Please restore my soul, my spirit, my joy. Our soul, our spirit, our joy. To everything that it could be. Like we see in the movies. But real Life. No more dreams. We need to live it.

You don’t give stones to Your children when they ask for bread. You don’t give them snakes. Please, God.

I don’t want my heart to grow bitter and cold. Please revive me. Please give me back my happiness, my smile, my joy, my hope, my loves, my love, and hopefully my J. You can do that, God. Even now. You could stand him back up and send him back with even greater revelation than You’ve given me. I want to be there for that. By his side. The one he talks with like before, his muse. The one he takes on drives again. Watches movies with again. I want to show him Seattle in person. I want to show him Friday Harbor. I want to drive across the country and overseas with him.

I want similar with so many others. Their dreams realized. The song in their hearts restored. And even more. So much more. I want to see it on this side, God.

Please help me. You know these things.

Please help me. I don’t want to move on without them. I find it difficult to even want to move without them.

I don’t care about anything without some hope, some vision. I am not motivated if this human existence is going to be more of the same disappointments. My heart can only take so much.

I put everything I had into them. I have nothing left. I need someone to be there for me. For real. Not just for a few minutes, or a few days, or a few weeks, or even a few years. I need people, God. I need a family. I need friends.

I need a home to come home to. My own home. I need that very much. I have been wandering for so long. You have provided. But I need more. Before I break. I am at the point where I cannot go on like this anymore.

I don’t want to die. I want You to resurrect and bring us back to Life. Real Life. Please, Jesus. Please, Spirit. Please, Father.

I tried, but I can’t do enough.

I love You.

Just say the Word and I know You will make it happen. Overnight. Even now.

I want to take off and write and make art and get healthy. And have homes. And vehicles. And be able to do so much for others and myself. Get organized also.

I really want to see J again, God. And so many others.

I hope if I close my eyes that I won’t die and be on another side without resolution here. I’m scared. I don’t want my legacy to be as it is right now. I know I tried. But I want more. I’m not okay with how things are now.

I don’t have to beg, God. You already know.

Please help me. I don’t even know what I really need. But I know what I want. Healing. So much healing. All around.

And provision. Hopefully not painfully.

I need Your rest. Here. Everywhere.

Lots of love, lots of laughs, lots of hugs, and even hopefully lots of amazing sex.

You can do anything, God. We need a miracle. I need a miracle from You.

❤

It doesn’t make sense.

I wasn’t even supposed to meet Sojourner. Years after the fact, she told me that she only treated adults at the time she decided to accept me as one of her clients.

She and her husband owned the practice. I was referred to one of their counselors. A male. He was pleasant, but I couldn’t open up to him. I didn’t trust men like that.

So, one day I told him. I don’t know where I ever found the nerve. But I said that I didn’t think that we’d be able to work together and make much progress.

He brilliantly asked me who I thought I could work with. Without having anyone in mind, I said I thought maybe I’d work better with an older Christian lady who would let me cuss.

I had no idea it would be Sojourner. The thought never occurred to me. Even though she owned the practice, I didn’t know who she was at all.

She told me years later that she only worked with adults. I was a teenager at the time. But my counselor had asked her. And for some reason she felt like it was okay to tell him yes.

And wow! I worked with her on and off for maybe close to two decades. Literally saved my life multiple times over. I can’t even tell you how many times I stayed alive just for her. Because I couldn’t see any hope for myself. But she wouldn’t give up on me. So I didn’t want to disrespect her by taking my life.

She kept me alive and helped me live until enough good things happened that I was able to find my feet and get walking on my own. Even then, she continued to give me hope until I could hope for myself.

And I never should have even met her. Logically. She didn’t even work with kids. But she decided to say yes that day.

Where I am especially frustrated is wondering how much of this life is destiny and how much of it is up to me.

There are times where I feel like I was connected to Spirit and God was intervening in my life to align certain things up just so. Undeniably.

But then I look at some other people and I see them pass by what looks like so many opportunities.

For instance I know someone who just sits at home and stares at screens all day. The TV, her tablet, her phone, etc. Then she wants to complain about not having a relationship with several people.

Actually she was complaining that they didn’t know her. And I was thinking, “Of course not. The only time you ever reach out to them seems to be when you want them to do something for you. When is the last time you did something for them? When is the last time you invited them over? Or went to visit them?” Excuse after excuse after excuse. Or is that destiny?

One time I was being mentored at my college. A coworker of mine was also attending the same college. She ended up in an elevator with my mentor. He noticed the company logo on her shirt and asked her if she knew me. She said she did. He offered to mentor her also. She never took him up on the offer.

I reaped a lot of benefits from that mentoring relationship. And she had that same opportunity but turned it down. Is that destiny?

But what about the times when God clearly intervenes? What is that about? How do I quantify and classify those experiences?