Sarah Nyhan

I came back to the church one day. I was in the service. Talking to people afterwards.

I would have normally sat next to the preacher’s wife. Normally everything would be at least cordial.

But this time I felt the energy across the room. There was a tension. I no longer felt tolerated.

Eventually there was no avoiding each other. Not that I wanted to avoid her in any way. But I didn’t feel the energy was now reciprocated.

So at the same time we basically turned and acknowledged each other. It was awkward. As much as I was glad to be talking with her even under those conditions.

But in short order she got to the point. She told me I was causing division. I believe I asked her how. And I believe she told me by my writing.

To which I responded by asking her if she had actually read any of my writing.

She was at least honest in saying she had not read my writing.

And that was that. End of everything.

This woman who had at one point told me to tell my biological mother that she was no longer my full-time mom. That this preacher’s wife was now my full-time mom. And my biological mom was now my part-time mom.

No, you’re not stupid at all. I would never have returned after day one, where I met you – when you came to make sure I wasn’t being chased after by the wrong guy – if I thought you were at all stupid.

But it’s convenient to think and say that about yourself in order to not deal with EVERYTHING.

I was so disappointed. Yet again another woman, specifically another mother figure, failing me. Bowing out when shit gets a little too real.

Not really believing in God. In God’s Love for them. For me. Except for forgiveness. But definitely not for power.

And I have surely been there. That’s exactly what you miss out on when you don’t read my words. God teaching me day in and day out, decade after decade, how to not abandon myself. Even though everyone else has.

When I walked out of the church that night, I hated myself for even crying about any of it. I wanted to be stronger. Be emotionless. Keep it all cerebral. Still to this day I hate that I care more than they do. That no matter how hard I try, they play me for the fool.

But I regained my sanity when I finally let them all go. I’ll never stop caring. But I finally redirected that energy back to myself. To caring for myself the way I wish they cared for me. Honestly.

And not in a weird way either. But at least as genuine friends. Since clearly the whole momma thing meant much less than I knew then to expect. In terms of stepping up. In actually staying in the fight.

It’s alright. God’s got them just like God’s got me. I’m not happy how things went down. I’m probably dumb for speaking so candidly when I guess there’s still time if everyone is alive. At least on this side.

But I asked God when I left that day. Why she would make the choice to come at me without even giving my words a chance. God answered me clear as day: fear. That’s the main thing.

Fear that I actually might be right. Fear that then her whole world would implode. Everyone’s would. They knew long before and more than I did. Not stupid at all.

And that’s a HUGE ask when literally EVERYTHING in your life revolves around your dogma. If you change then there is a very real risk that you’ll lose everything.

I am proof. So far I have lost everyone and everything. From the top to the bottom and side to side. I can never go back, but honestly I don’t blame them too much for not picking my side based on how everything currently is, or maybe more specifically is not, for me.

But I think my suffering has been prolonged way more than it needed to be because all I did was work non-stop to ultimately fail in trying to keep everything from falling apart. Over ten years later and now I’d advise way differently: just let it all fall apart. Specifically because God’s got everyone involved.

She said one day something like one of her goals was to be comfortable. Well, until such a time as the pain outweighs the comfort. We can resist our healing but in my experience the invitations will never cease. And sometimes get so loud that you finally have no choice but to face what you’ve been running from.

Again, I understand. While at the same time being so frustrated.

That things, in my opinion, could be so much better. Watching them is like watching an addict. Banging their head against a wall over and over and over and over and over. With no power to stop these people I valued so much from hurting themselves and others. I eventually had to step away from it all for my own sanity. Even though I still grieve the loss of everyone almost daily.

Story of my life: falling for their words and not paying enough attention to their actions. Realizing I was clearly the one who was more invested. Having to forgive myself for yet again giving people way too much of myself. When they were long since done.

Embarrassing. But not a judgement of me. Because I thought of all places I could trust the words spoken from people who claim to be so close to God. Especially those in full-time “ministry”. Silly me. Finally now grown up. At least in that harsh reality.

I was the one with less power. They should have done better. Shouldn’t have thrown around important words so casually.

You live and you learn.

One thing I am proud of: I NEVER called you momma. My soul at least knew enough to let you earn that first.

And you didn’t. You still don’t.

I forgive you. But that’s a kind of trust that has been deeply, deeply broken.

It’s okay in eternity. But it’s not okay here in our time on earth. At least until such time as there’s any sign of effort on your part.

The door is always wide open for reconciliation. But they don’t seem to want it at all.

Sad at least for me. From my perspective.

The problem is fear. But also a lack of humility. The flip side of me not having enough self-worth was that I was more easily open to considering other perspectives. On even just a purely technical level. And that humility saved me.

Also a deep, deep belief that God had to be truly good. Even if I couldn’t understand the most difficult stuff. There were still enough times that I experienced what I considered Trinity stepping into my life. Even meeting y’all in the first place. And so many others. The mathematical probability of so many things just being coincidences was not realistic.

You can’t have it both ways. God the hero and then god the completely unreasonable tirant. Unless you want to continue to gaslight yourselves for the crumbs you’ve tried to settle for all this time.

Others who haven’t dealt with their shit will continue to lie to you. But not me. That’s the number one reason you all push me away. So you don’t have to face the truth. At least directly.

I’d rather just me and God talk things out. Then have all my healing put out on display and have to learn my lessons publicly. Had more than enough of that already.

They called it love. I used to think it was love. But now I know better. Maybe at times they had affection in their hearts for me. Maybe at times there were loving actions. Loving words.

But now looking back I feel like most of it was completely different than what I thought back then. I think I gave them way too much credit. Even after all the work I thought I had until that point done. My bad in some respects.

I was so innocent. And I miss that innocence. I am so sad that I have to see things as they really are now. Even as I’d never want to live in lies or delusion.

And to be sure, I think the majority are drinking the Kool-Aid. Just like Jesus said: I truly believe they don’t deeply know better. Because I used to drink the Kool-Aid also. I genuinely thought I was doing right back then also. I cringe now thinking about things I used to say and do. I wish there was a way to go back and do things differently. But there isn’t. All we have is this moment.

They make their choices. Day after day after day. And force me to do likewise.

The hope is that even if things don’t change here, at least I’m now convinced they’ll get resolved on the other side at some point.

I just wish I had true like-minded friends to celebrate with. That relationships would be restored – but even better than before. And that we could all enjoy what I now believe is the much better story of how things really are.

Trusting God to do the heavy lifting. Because Lord knows they’ve exhausted every last drop of Never Give Up strength I had.

At least I’m a better person for all the pain. But hate that so many of us insist on learning the hard way.