Sarah Nyhan

Just know that I understand that there are multiple things going on at the same time. Layers to this shit.

So when I say people have failed me, that’s just part of the story. I understand more is going on than just the surface-level shit.

In a way, I gotta really thank many people for leaving me alone. I’m no Jesus, but Judas played the part he was expected to play. And so do others in our lives. 

I wasn’t strong enough to fight for myself. I didn’t have near the ego needed to stand up for myself in almost any respect. Only when it came to God and other people not getting hurt. Especially kids. 

So they needed to leave me. Because I never would have removed myself.

We are given these stories to watch. On television. In the movies. Where the happy ending a lot of the times looks like everyone reconciling. Skipping off into the sunset holding hands at the end. 

But I don’t think that’s how reality plays out. At least in my existence. 

What I have experienced is more akin to the largest part of the The Pilgrim’s Progress story. Where we are born being given a direction. And then God is going to bring along people throughout your life to join you at certain times on your journey. But not all people are meant to walk all the way with you. For an endless multitude of reasons. 

But the quicker you can let go of them when it’s clear there is no more alignment, the more you can stop torturing yourself by insisting things turn out a specific way. 

It’s not giving up so much as it is surrender. I’m allowed to have my very real emotions in response to not getting what and who I want. But at the end of the day I have to make the intellectual choice to trust that there isn’t a thing in the world that would be able to pull someone away from me if God wanted them to stay.

So really any beef to be had isn’t with that person who I perceived as not showing up. It’s actually with God. God did not see best to let what I wanted in the physical, in the interim, in the very short-term understanding I possess. 

It’s easier to be disappointed with a person than to be angry with God. Until you risk that trust. Until you learn God isn’t at all intimidated by my lack of understanding. By my very real emotions.

This should be common sense except that we are marketed to death by machines constructed to 24/7/365 convince us to abandon ourselves in order to submit ourselves to others’ stories. Those who have enough physical resources to resist God the most. 

Zoom out. Matter of fact, get off the damn screens altogether. Quit numbing out. Quit distracting yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Get to the damn point already. Talk to your Creator. Your real Father. About it all. 

Even rage. Even throw a fit. Trinity is not at all surprised. Or so fragile as to not be able to walk with you. There will be no retaliation. That’s a lie pushed by males who haven’t done their own work. Who created a false deity, even an idol if you will, out of all the ways other males didn’t show up for them.

It’s okay that you left me. As much as I wish things turned out differently. Because that means there is a reason it was best for me to be on my own.

I’m not smart enough to know it all. That’s God’s department. But when I ask for wisdom about these things. When I ask for Spirit to speak to my broken heart, to my confused mind: there is always “revelation” given that instantly gives me that peace beyond my natural understanding. That’s when we walk on the water of what our senses are limited to understanding. 

That’s when your trust builds. Your confidence in the goodness of God. When you cry out and receive those downloads of what’s really going on in the bigger picture. 

When you put on your spiritual big grrrl and big boy pants. When you humble yourself to the obvious: that this entire Universe is quick proof that there is so much more going on than we have the capacity to hold in our natural minds.

And yet it’s also so simple: Love. Just Love. And in this aspect, Love FOR us. All the time. No exceptions. Even when initially it’s difficult to understand. 

For me? At least when it comes to some mother figures and sometimes self-appointed religious leaders and preachers: seeds of healing were put in my heart and they needed to be protected so they could take deep root. That was not possible specifically because people loved me so much. They wouldn’t want to see me struggle through the surgeries God has been doing all this time in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul.

I needed them to give me space so I could hear God talk to me about Trinity and myself. So I could actually hear what I had been praying for all along. 

Because my default is, or was, to focus on everyone else. To put myself on the back, back, back burner. 

I’m not against anyone. Even the worst. Honestly. For what they did. 

But I finally value myself as much as I valued everyone else. 

And I finally am not dependent on anyone in the sense of thinking God can’t or won’t sustain me if someone walks away. Or if I feel it’s healthiest and/or safest for me to leave.

I couldn’t have learned those lessons without you “abandoning” me. I gotta actually thank you. Not even sarcastically. You walking away helped save me. Helped save my story. I’m no longer a child. I’m becoming a woman with more and more strength.

I have to admit what I have worked through. That’s the only reason I speak on things. Not to dog anyone. But because it’s been a lot. And I don’t want to lose all the work I’ve done. To remind myself.

And hopefully to help others. Even maybe someday you. Full circle if God sees fit.