I don’t want you to be the last time I was happy. I refuse to go out like that.

If it was meant to be, it would have been.
If it is meant to be, it will be.

I welcome you in my life if you want to work towards being the healthiest versions of ourselves. But I’ve decided I’m going to stop waiting for you. Waiting for hope that doesn’t seem to ever realize.

I have too much life left to live. If you don’t want to participate, then there are plenty of other people. That are willing and able to get it together. Even if you refuse to. Even if you want to give up.

No matter how much I love you, I’m not going to join you in letting go. I can’t. I’ve fought too hard. I don’t want to go out like that.

I see a whole world out there. And I intend on fully using all the time I’m given in this crazy human experience. To explore and go on many more adventures. And love.

I meet people all the time. I just wasn’t open to them. Because I was waiting for you.

But you keep breaking my heart. Over and over and over. And I’m not going to do it anymore.

I found my value. I’m starting to like myself again. I’m doing things that make me respect myself again. So I don’t need you to cosign my life anymore.

I love you so much. But you take me for granted. And I haven’t wanted to accept that for the longest. But it’s the hard truth. Otherwise you’d be here right now working on making it work.

I’ll never give up on you. But I’m no longer chasing. I’m no longer begging. That can’t be what the rest of my life will look like.

I don’t want to fall in love like that ever again. I don’t want to lose myself like I did with you.

I don’t want to live anyone else’s life. I want to write my own story. And let us come together organically without either of us getting sucked into the other.

Actually everyone. I never want to lose myself again like I did for so many years before with so many different people.

Because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. There is no fairytale; I was lied to. Just people deciding to put in the work with each other.

And I don’t have anything to share right now because I gave it all away these years past. The only way I’ll ever be better for anyone again is if I put myself first for once. If I become the friend to myself that I can count on. That I was hoping you would be.

I’m going to stop letting myself down.

Happiness might find me. But I’m not going to sit around and wait for it anymore. I’m going to go out and get it.

I’m going to set myself up for more and better. So when the time is right, I’ll be able to fully enjoy whoever decides to show up with me.

I really wasn’t going to say anything about this, but it keeps coming to mind. Maybe there’s a reason to share. So here goes:

CBRE wasn’t my first choice. There is another brokerage that I’ve really been wanting to work at since Xceligent went out of business.

But way back when, my first choice said they didn’t have any positions for me. So, it’s up to me to figure out Plan B, right? Just accept REALITY and move on, correct?

So I tried for five years to get on with CBRE. Because it makes sense, right? International publicly-traded commercial real estate powerhouse. Sure, not really the kind of place I wanted to be at. I preferred something more local. But beggars can’t be choosers, right? Took anything I could get.

First time I worked there was as a contractor in Austin. I didn’t really want to work there as a contractor, but I accepted it as a step in the door. Because I should be grateful for what I can get, right?

Even though during one of the interviews the onsite person I would be assigned to literally introduced himself as a, and I quote, “raging alcoholic”.

I don’t have any proof, but it seemed like he would come in late every day while trying to navigate the effects of last night’s bender. Then it seemed like mid-morning he’d go sniff a line, come back a terror, and then go drink during a two-hour lunch. After which he’d socialize most of the rest of the day before finally sitting down for a few minutes to pound out enough subpar work to get the most urgent requests off his back. Then leave early and had the nerve to accuse me of faking work because I didn’t want to skip out also.

He was so entitled and aggressive. During one meeting he was literally laying on the floor and messing with another coworker’s chair to make it drop during the meeting. And bragged about his parents being well-known in a popular Texas college town.

But it was really his guilty conscience accusing me of faking work to fulfill my eight hours. That was the last straw. I knew he’d just keep on until he threw me under the bus with the off-site people in charge who clearly humored him.

I didn’t even last a month. Left to get away from him.

But I’m the never give up grrrl. So, onward…

Since the beginning I have wanted to avoid property management. That’s where the big boys usually want to put women. In some glorified salaried customer service role. Where they’ll be busting their ass for ultimately less than minimum wage after all the twenty-four hour fire drills and late nights add up.

They won’t give you the resources to do the job because they are lining their pockets with as much as they can skim off the top without getting shut down or sued. Then they expect you to work magic and be the buffer between them and all the angry tenants. For pennies.

Yeah, no thanks. I’ve worked my whole life to escape toxic situations. Why would I sell my soul for a few dollars to jump back into that hell again? Much less make a career out of it.

But as a woman that is the number one thing I find I have to fight in real estate. Trying to avoid being pigeon-holed and stuffed into the back to the never-ending hells of property management.

I want to be out there doing the hundred-million-dollar deals one day. With the big boys. Not because I unfortunately could care less about wealth or position for the sake of. But because I have so many plans for that big-time commission money. To finance my freedom and my real passions.

But it’s CBRE. A world-renowned company. Publicly-traded. I should be grateful they stoop so low to choose me. The grinding grrrl from no means or reputation. Right?

So I accepted a company position last time. In… facility management.

They get clever with the titles. Facility management sounds fancier than property management. But it was still a glorified customer service role.

And there is literally nothing wrong with that. I even gave it my best shot. Decided to put my big dreams on hold and humble myself. Get my foot in the door and work my way up if that’s what it took.

And I was at the top of the training class the whole time. Acing every quiz. Winning pretty much every competition.

But during the final week of training I became really ill. And I had already caught Covid twice. Both times I felt like I might die. Last time Dr. Peter even sent me to the ER. So I was petrified to push myself and try to work through the sickness even though it was a remote job. I wasn’t sure my body could take the stress.

But even though I had completed all of the formal classroom training and was in the informal “shadowing” stage before being set on my own, they wouldn’t let me take a few days to try to nurse myself through the sickness in order to not make it worse. They told me I couldn’t return to work.

Well, I tried. Right?

Or maybe I should have pushed myself more?

I mean, look at me.

I’m just some fat broke unmarried loser without a Bachelor’s degree that should just take what she can get, right?

Settle for the first person who pays her any attention, right?

Do whatever it takes to suck it up and make sure they continue to tolerate me, right?

Except my WHOLE life, God has been teaching me how to value myself more than what I was taught. More than how I was treated. More than how most people shove me to the side and shit all over me. Because I won’t just lie down and take it. I won’t be grateful that they lower themselves to consider keeping me around even if just to absolutely drain me.

Almost every single person I’ve known also at some point subconsciously sees me the same. Even rejects me when I won’t just be satisfied with the crumbs those they value more reduce themselves to leave for me to clean up and try to barely survive on.

It’s really disheartening. To 24/7/365 keep from calling people out. Because there’s no point anyway.

They take my kindness for weakness because they don’t respect me. Because of how I look chiefly.

And I don’t want to give any energy to that conversation, so I try to never have it. Just hold my head as high as I can and swallow down all the things I wish I could say.

This being a rare exception. Because hopefully my speaking on it will help someone else one day.

But back to the story…

So, in the past few months, after literally years of trying to work my way into the roles I actually wanted, I finally took a break. I resigned myself to maybe I’m just not cut out for this field. Maybe it really is just like my momma told me when I was in my teens: that nobody will want me if I am fat.

Then out of nowhere, CBRE recruits me! The recruiter found my resume on Indeed. And was now asking me to consider them. Progress, right?

It wasn’t what I really wanted: working from home in a transaction coordination role. Instead I’d be in the office doing more marketing-oriented work.

But it was a beautiful new office by The Pearl. In San Antonio versus Austin. Which I preferred for a lot of reasons.

And it was working alongside brokers. I’d be close to the action. Closer than not being in it at all. I should be happy to grow my network, right?

Not to mention I’m out here doing rideshare to pay the bills in the meantime. And they’re talking $55K+. Not what I was hoping for, but better than $2 trips to take weed smokers back and forth to their baby mommas all day. Right? I mean, use your head, Sarah.

So, six interviews with eight different people at CBRE later. Vice Presidents included. Brokers with 20+ years experience and hundreds of millions of dollars of deals. Considering me. Down to the final week. Finished all the interviews. Just waiting on their decision.

And I was really upset. I knew. It wasn’t sitting right no matter how much I tried. No matter how much I wanted to just get along to go along. My body wasn’t letting me. I felt really depressed and sick. Angry. And it wasn’t going away. I tried to be excited, but deep down I was dreading the position in a way.

No shade to most, but one of the reasons was that I was getting the energy from at least three people I met at CBRE that they would take me if that’s all they could get, but they really didn’t like me or want me.

And SO many times over especially the last five years. But no small number of times before that either. The warning sign has been just that: people giving me the distinct impression that they don’t want me. But then we agree to try to tolerate each other. And things deteriorate rapidly thereafter.

They haven’t had the strength to reject me outright and wait for who they really want. And I didn’t either. Both of us probably even trying to go in with good intentions. But neither of us having the courage and strength to be brutally honest and walk away. And wait for who and what we really want.

Well, given the journey I have been on the past years, I knew exactly how this story would end if they settled on me and I settled on them. Sure, it was CBRE. But I already know from experience that God isn’t going to let me escape my healing; CBRE be damned. And if I tried to force it to work then everything would deteriorate and go to hell. And I didn’t want to burn any bridges especially there.

So I withdrew myself from the selection process. Before I even heard back about whether they decided on me. I let them know that I decided to pursue another opportunity. Not one that is currently being offered. But leaving myself open for if what I really want comes along.

It was so interesting. Instantly I felt relief from one of the people at CBRE that I didn’t think liked me. Their attitude did a complete 180. Suddenly they were super nice, super communicative, and super supportive. When previously it was like pulling teeth; at best barely acknowledging most of my attempts at communication.

Confirming my suspicions that they really didn’t want me. But at least I had the parting blessing of CBRE in that respect.

I had to focus on the bigger picture. As I returned to the misery of rideshare and delivery driving to pay the bills. Wanting to scream from the top of my lungs to everyone who so easily dismisses me: I REJECTED THEM! But nobody cares. And not a good look either.

Only actions matter. Only the proof in the pudding. And this dream is taking such a LONG time to cook!!!

But big things are like that. If it was easy then everyone would be doing it. There is a reason the big boys are doing hundred-million-dollar deals. It ain’t easy to get to that position. Even if you get lucky and get lifted up by your network. When you’re at that level, you better be able to play ball. Cause it’s for sure game time. Running with the wolves. Grandmaster level financial and political chess.

So I of course did all my fussing and crying with God. Throwing my fit. Frustrated as all get out.

But when I finally stopped and listened for even a second, God told me what I already knew: my dreams weren’t big enough. Siiiiiiigh.

Clearly, and I already saw this as I was sitting in the interviews, there was a bigger reason for me to be there interviewing for that position. I wasn’t recruited by CBRE as a way for God to torture me. No, over and over and over again I heard a need in the market from the brokers. For a solution to a problem that I identified as far back as the end of 2017.

It was clear as day. And the amount of money from this solution would be exponential compared to me selling my soul to fight for the opportunity to play ball with a few big brokers how many years down the line if they ever decide to do business with me?

Or I can make my own way. I can have them coming to me.

But it’s going to take SO MUCH work. More than I’ve ever done before. And nothing will be handed to me. I’ll have to bust my ass if I want to get serious.

Will I do it? That’s the big question.

Will I keep trying to be tolerated?

Or will I put in the work to be celebrated?

Will I do the hard work to bring value to the market? Or will I just continue begging to ride on someone else’s coattails.

F-. This is one of those times in life where I have a major fork in the road. Where I will be cheating myself if I am not intentional about my life. And if I take the easier way out.

And there are no guarantees.

But I heard a comedian yesterday say something really smart. He said he knew he could never be as funny as Chris Rock. But he knew he could at least be as funny as some of the other comedians on television. And they were getting paid. So would he. So he didn’t reach for the stars. But he still “made it”.

And that’s me. I don’t have to be the best. I don’t have to put that pressure on myself. But what if God has given me the gift of seeing an opportunity to make much more money than I’m used to by bringing value to the market?

I fight with God almost every day about where I am in life. But He has me doing rideshare. Every other path I try to take seems to be completely blocked.

But guess what? Day after day after day I take people in the car who are doing the kind of work I would need to do in order to bring this idea to market. And whereas I saw that work as too much for me in the past, now I see these people every day who are actually doing what I need to do. And I realize there isn’t anything especially special about them. They just never accepted that they couldn’t do it. They just kept working and eventually they figured it out enough to be where I need to be.

For now onto almost three years, God has been having me here in rideshare for probably plenty of reasons but maybe mainly to believe in myself. And to get so hungry and fed up that I finally just go for it

Will I do the work?

Will I lay down my ideas of how I wanted things to initially go? And will I do the work? Will I take the risk?

Or will I keep fighting God’s best for me. And instead end up an old bitter woman going on about all the ideas I had that other people actually put in the work for in order to take to market?

I don’t want to watch someone else live out my dream. But this is going to take everything I have to pivot and fight for myself like never before.

Do I have it in me? And will God help me when my strength runs out?

Or am I just dreaming too much?

Most people quit.
Most people give up.
Most people will convince themselves that they didn’t want it anyway.
That it wasn’t really worth it.
Most people will give in to the millions of reasons to stop.
Most people will choose to get really comfortable with excuses.

What will I do?
Will I respect myself if I don’t do the work?
Will I have regrets?

Will I join the rest of society that so easily then focuses my self-hatred onto others who are actually trying? Who are letting their light shine? Being brave.

This isn’t about anyone else. Maybe not even God.

This is about me showing up for myself.

Is it worth it? Or am I satisfied with lighting my dreams on fire and watching them die?

This question fundamentally comes down to one major question in my opinion. Do you believe in fate or do you believe God gifted you with the ability to create whatever life you want?

How you approach everything then answers that question.

And I used to believe God was in charge of everything. That my outcome was pretty much already sealed.

But then people outside of religion really challenge me. Especially if they are happy.

Which begs the question, why not me? And am I okay with letting bitterness saturate my soul and spirit as I try to convince myself that what I wanted was too much? And would have been a waste of time to pursue because it never would have worked out anyway.

I don’t want go out like that.

As much as I now understand that I don’t have to do anything to get God to Love me. At all or any more.

So why not go for broke? Why not risk it? Why not worship and celebrate God by trying for whatever I think would be coolest to reach for?

Is ego a dead end in that respect? Or a welcome and necessary partner?

Is it worth it?

I don’t have to heal other people.

I accuse other people of not trusting God. But as much as I believe, is there still a part of me that also doesn’t trust God’s heart for them?

Am I just impatient? Meddling by sharing my thoughts? Well-meaning as they might be.

I wonder. Will there come a time when God tells me to stop. To save my words. To completely let go. Not to try anymore.

When maybe I never had to. I hope my impatience hasn’t dragged this out longer than it had to. For my healing first. As the other(s) were always safe. There wasn’t any real problem except I didn’t trust them with God.

Wow. Worth considering.

It’s such a foreign concept to me. To finally find my voice after years of being told to shut up. Why then would God ask me to be silent? And go mind my own business.

Maybe more is caught than taught. Maybe the sweeter victory is not in converting someone so much as it is in inspiring them.

Maybe God doesn’t need me to do anything at all besides receiving Their Love. And then treating myself with kindness. Maybe God is really quite capable of handling the rest. Everything else.

Which would be the bigger gift? The one you insist on? Or the surprise?

What if I let go even more? In order to welcome and invite God to surprise me. In order to stop giving God instructions for how I want life to look. And instead trusting God’s heart for me. And asking for Their best. However that looks.

Do I really trust God that much? Do I really trust God’s Love for me like that? God’s Love for you?

I believe many men are gifted sons they are initially ashamed of in order to help them face the parts of themselves that they don’t have compassion for. That they haven’t yet made peace with. That they haven’t loved.

But what about daughters? Who are daughters for?

I see so many women who passively despise their daughters. Who are in competition with them. Versus cherishing them. Who hate anything their daughters get that they didn’t get or don’t have.

God forbid a father actually love his daughter. That’s a death sentence for many daughters.

Maybe the woman thinks the man doesn’t really love her. That she somehow tricked him into being with her. And then has to keep tricking him or controlling him to be there.

Maybe the mother wants someone to love her. Someone to adore her. So she has a child.

A lot of people focus on men being inappropriate with their daughters, but I have seen so many women try to turn their sons into surrogate partners. It’s really alarming once you have your eye out to look for it. It’s really gross in my opinion. Especially how it is so socially tolerated. Like there is nothing wrong with women becoming emotionally or otherwise dependent on their sons. It’s not cute. It’s emasculating. I cannot imagine the conflict and rage inside a man whose mother subjects him to her service as a fill-in husband. And I’m not even referring to anything sexual, God-forbid.

But the daughters are on a whole other battlefield. If the mother has a daughter who she expects her daughter to worship and adore her. And then that daughter dares to step into her own personhood. Dares to shine and do something different other than becoming a trophy for her mother’s ego.

God-forbid the daughter receive any attention or affection when the mother isn’t fulfilled.

Then you’ll see how evil a woman can be. Where she will hand her daughter over to be hurt. And enjoy her daughter’s pain. Thoroughly.

This is a huge issue with many different things to work out. But basically the mother is very unhealed. And rejected herself long ago. Probably to survive.

But she will never accept her daughter while remaining in that state. She will only see her daughter as a threat until she has done the work she needs to do with God.

To stop trying to get what she needs from a man. Or a child. To truly trust that God loves her. That she is God’s daughter before she belonged to anyone else. Even herself.

To truly risk being angry with God. Versus continually spewing their bitterness onto their daughters and anyone else that challenges their status quo.

But most aren’t willing to do the work. Most aren’t willing to face their pain, crushing disappointment, and rage. Most aren’t willing to admit their fears.

I hope at least I’ll do my part to show people that you won’t die if you face these things. That it is possible. That healing is worth the work.

It happened again today. Several times I’ll pick a stranger up while doing Lyft and by the time I am helping them get their luggage out of the trunk, they’re giving me a hug goodbye.

I also had a lady invite me into her house today to see her Rottweiler. I’ve had people invite me inside for food or tea. I even met Linda as my Yellow Cab taxi customer way back in 2008 or 2009!

Bonded with today’s customer who hugged me over mac n cheese from Chick-fil-A. She told me I was missing out because I never had it. So this is dinner. 😊 P.s. also won a free brownie through their app.

Sometimes humans suck, but times like today remind me that people are still desperate for genuine moments of connection! In spite of social media and all the bad news out there.

And there are still a lot of good people out there. I’m trying to be more intentional about not letting those moments go by. Started with Chelsie actually. Another customer. She seemed bad ass and I thought, I would like people like her in my life!

So just writing this for anyone who feels lonely. In some ways I think it is actually easier than ever to have real moments with new people. Just gotta be open to it. And usually be the one who initiates. As people seem to have forgotten how to connect and have conversations. And a lot of people are scared to say anything for fear of saying the “wrong” thing. But if you open your heart and put yourself out there, you’ll be so surprised how receptive people are.

This is coming from someone who is painfully introverted. But the pressure is off a lot when I know I probably will never see these people again. So I get hours and hours of practice. Over 11,100+ rides given on just Lyft. Not to mention all my other apps.

And some of the best things in my life have come from talking to my Lyft customers. Learned about Hitch that way. Made $26K off that app last year. Another customer told me about Roadie. Made $1,800+ off that app. Another one told me about TrustedHousesitters – been traveling for over six months off that app.

And so much more I would have missed out on if I had given up on people in general. You never know who you might run into around the corner. Could change your whole life. Don’t give up just yet.

As the song says, I need you, you need me… you are important to me, I need you to survive!

You get to look into whatever mirror you need until you can see yourself, your dad, your god, and Your God clearly.

Kids. Another way of God inviting you to see how much Trinity Loves you.

I’ve heard it said that men who lean more to the extreme side of masculinity will be given the gift of having daughters.

And then I look at some of the men I know. Two of which are teachers. Very self-sufficient. And God has curiously blessed them with sons who are so different than them in ability, temperament, etc.

One man has made a career out of his physical strength. And was given the gift of a son who does not naturally lean in that direction hardly at all. At least for now.

I have many times felt like this man has emotionally abandoned his son because he is ashamed of him.

Is God ashamed of His son?

I think his son is a gift in that I believe the man struggles with shame surrounding having been taken advantage of as a child.

So from his unhealed shame, and his broken heart, and his fears even for his son, I think he is disgusted with his son for appearing so weak. He can’t see beyond his own wounds to see who his son really is. The greatness, the power, the potential his son has in other ways.

They say we are here for kids. But sometimes I think some kids are sent as angels here for us. To help us meet with God when maybe we wouldn’t otherwise. And thereby redeem what was broken in us.

But a lot of people resist this. Maybe their whole lives. To the detriment of many.