Fri 10/6/2017 10:21 AM

I want to tell you a true story. Absolutely true despite how far fetched it may sound. A little background first.

As a “good girl”, I tried playing the part for a long time. Multiple times. I wanted blessings and I’m a pleaser. Because it depends on me, right?

But what happens when you’re giving 150% and everything falls apart and gets worse instead of better? What happens when injustice appears to be on parade while you are reeling alone on the floor in pain after your world has been blown to smithereens?

I was so angry at Him! Not because everything fell apart but because I felt like He let me go, or even led me, into a place that shattered my heart, my trust, my faith. I felt abandoned. I must have done something wrong?

Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, in my mind I know He is only good. Correct? But there are times where intellectual knowing is not enough.

I’m going to leave this quote unattributed only so the words will stand on their own and not be automatically dismissed because of the source: “Iniquity is not only when you transgress a law but iniquity is when you take your fist and shake it at [Him] and say, ‘I don’t want anything to do with You! I reject You! Leave! Now!’”

The story I am about to tell you begins with me in that space. In the space of not having anymore strength. In the space of completely giving up. I had given my all and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. If it all depended on me, then I was a goner, I was toast.

So I’m sitting at a park in my car. Staring out at a lake. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. And if I knew, I wouldn’t even have the strength to follow through.

I see a lady walk by on a trail in front of me. A thought: “You need to talk to her. She has something you need to hear.”

My response: “NO! I can’t today! You know in the past I would have done any crazy thing like approach a complete stranger just because I thought You said to. But I can’t today! I can’t! I don’t know if I’ve ever heard You! I don’t know if these thoughts are me, or You, or the devil, or if I’m losing my mind! I’m sorry, I can’t today! I don’t have enough faith today.”

Silence.

The lady continues to walk down the path, around the corner and out of sight. I sit in my car, staring at the lake.

Am I going to hell? Have I lost my salvation? I bet I did it this time. You know, blaspheming The Spirit and all. Trading my eternal future for a moment of worldy relief. Terror grips my heart. I spiral further down. I’m paralyzed.

Silence.

The day is eerily still. The park is unusually quiet and without activity. It’s one of those days where even the air is still.

I see the same lady return and walk back on the path in front of me. Again the thought: “You need to talk to her. She has something you need to hear.”

“No. I’m sorry. You know I would any other day before, but I can’t now. I can’t today.”

I sit inside myself like an angry child. Arms crossed. Face turned away.

Silence.

How can I trust Him? I was so sure and everything fell apart. I tried so much. I wasn’t perfect, but… Who has a chance? How can anyone ever measure up?

Silence.

The sun is dancing on the calm blue lake in the distance. I see some beautiful white swans. They are coming closer to shore.

I can’t figure out what happened. I can’t figure out the future. If I’m going to hell, well then what’s the harm in capturing a beautiful photo of swans along the way?

So I drag myself out of my car and walk down to the shore. To my surprise the swans come closer. Four of them. They line up perfectly for an amazing shot and linger. I’m blown away. So beautiful! Behind me and around me a group of ducks gather. So close.

I can feel my heart but I kinda don’t even want to. I’m scared of my heart. I want to pack it away. I wish my mind would cooperate and stay in control. And it’s as if at the moment of that thought suddenly the warmth and color are completely drained from the entire scene and the swans suddenly appear cold and ugly and swim off and the little ducks also leave me and wander off.

I’ve done it again. See, I always mess everything up. There is no hope. If only I wouldn’t be so lazy. If only I would try harder. If only I’d quit being so selfish and be grateful instead. And know my place.

Silence.

I suddenly notice a sort of peninsula to my right. The skinniest little path of land extending out into the lake. A picnic table on the end. It looks like a good place to go be depressed about how I’ve ruined everything and my life is over.

I start shuffling over to that direction. I have to meander around a corner full of foliage. I lift my gaze from the ground and… there she is. Sitting at a different table under the shade of a big tree. I avert my gaze.

“You know you need to talk to her. She has something to say.”

“NO!” I’m angry! I already said no!! “I don’t even know if you are my thoughts, or the devil, or me. I CAN’T!!” I hurriedly walk away.

The lady calls out to me, “Nice day, eh?”

I am NOT doing THIS!! I think I gave her my coldest most aloof “uh huh”, looked ahead, and kept walking.

All the way down the path to the very end of the skinny peninsula. Water surrounding me on three sides. Only room enough for the picnic table. I sit down and stare out at the lake.

Silence.

Emptiness.

Look at my life – what am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go from here? Is there any point?

Silence.

Heaviness.

And then like a shock, even though only in my thoughts, the loudest sound in the middle of everything: “You know you need to talk to her.”

MY FURY! “NO!!! NO! NO! NO! I CAN’T!! IF YOU ARE SO BIG, IF YOU ARE SO REAL, YOU CAN BRING HER DOWN HERE TO ME!!!”

I think I may have even folded my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, and stomped my feet on the ground. I certainly felt like it.

A moment or two. And then… I just knew. I turned from looking at the lake and looked back down the path towards the tree… yep, sure enough, HERE SHE COMES WALKING TOWARDS ME!!!

In the most literally sense: Oh My GOD!! This is really happening!

This is a big park. I can’t see anyone else around. I’m on the skinniest little peninsula. All by myself. I made it abundantly clear that I was not interested in communicating. I obviously want to be alone. AND HERE SHE COMES!

I guess we are doing THIS.

It’s like all the life was coming back into the scene. Alive. Alive is what it felt like. I was almost shaking inside.

She walks directly towards me. She doesn’t stop. She sits down directly in front me, faces me, and says, “Hi.”

Hi?!?! Just, hi!?!? I’m laughing inside at this point.

But I still don’t want to do THIS. I’m not ready. I can’t. I’m not going to let my stupid emotions get the best of me again. I’m not going to get tricked. I’m not going to read too much into this.

So I take control! I come back at her like a machine gun, like an investigative reporter: asking her question after question, all small talk. We’re not going to do THIS! I don’t want her here. If you’re going to invade my space then you’re only going to get so far.

She humors me for a few minutes. Then she interrupts me: “What I really came here to say was: if you died tonight, do you think you’d go to heaven?”

…

It’s like the world stopped turning and it was only she and I on the planet. On this picnic table. Whoa. Ok God, we’re doing this.

I deflate. I irreverently respond, “I don’t know, I think so.”

“Well, what are you going to say when you are standing in front of Him?”

“I’ll tell Him I have nothing to offer. I can only get in through Jesus.” Empty pockets, open hands.

She looked like that wasn’t the answer she was expecting. She looked confused. I felt bad. Like maybe she needed to say something more. So I said, “Well, what would you have said if I told you ‘no’?”

So she proceeds to tell me the gospel message. I don’t even remember her words. It wasn’t really the words she used. There was just this feeling that started washing over me. Tears! Tears started streaming out of my eyes, down my cheeks, onto my shirt. Tears and tears and tears! Nonstop stream of tears. She didn’t miss a beat. She didn’t acknowledge them. She kept talking as this wave washed through me and carried me away.

She finished and said something like, “So do you want to pray with me to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?” I kind of flippantly said, me the one who has just left full-time “ministry”, me the one who has been preaching to people for years, me the one who can be the most legalistic of a bunch, I say to this person who doesn’t know me, “Yeah sure, ok.” Fire insurance. For the four hundredth time. And she leads me through the prayer.

We chat about some things for a minute or two. The mood has changed. Suddenly she’s not my spiritual Tinkerbell. Suddenly she is just a lady. Just another person at the park. Kind of detached. She starts getting up to leave and then she turns back to me and says, “You know, I was on my way home, leaving the park, I was on that path and I saw a snake across the path so I turned around and came back.” Then she walks off.

Wow!  I’m left there by myself at the picnic table at the end of the peninsula. What just happened? I thought I was saved. Then I thought I wasn’t. Did I just get saved now?

“No. You just needed to be reminded of how simple it is. And she needed to be able to say something. They were not necessarily the same or related.”

Wow. A lot more I could say but I want to end this now with some song lyrics: “I wanna go back to ‘Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible, for the Bible tells me so.’”

Be quiet and be with people. I can’t change them. I don’t have to “fix” them. I can just give the gift of presence to people.

It hurts right now, but I am going to be ok.

We are in the apocalypse now – the unveiling of God.

I don’t understand how it is said the world didn’t receive Him, but then it also says that some did receive Him? The definition for the Greek word “paralambano” is “to take by showing strong personal initiative”.

Who and what is a child of God?

How is believing and receiving not the will of the flesh? What is the difference between the will of the flesh and the will of man?

Were we born the first time in Adam and then born again through Christ’s birth/incarnation?

It must have sounded weird to people for John to say that Jesus came first.

Jesus wasn’t what they wanted.

Are we born again when we receive/believe? Or were we born again when Jesus died/resurrected?

See God through Jesus.

Be quiet.

The guests did not work in order to be invited to the wedding feast. The choice before us is to accept God’s grace or live by works. Why was the wedding guest without the right clothes kicked out?

How can I trust my heart? I cannot. It’s not trusting my heart. Or my mind. It is trusting God. Like looking at the snake on the pole?

Is it ok to say I believe primarily because of how I’ve experienced Him? Experienced You, Father? Here I go trying to figure everything out again. While I am being led to encounter God, not necessarily understand God. Which is scary for me. I find more comfort in my understanding than in relationship with Him and His character.

I switched from an excavator to a photographer this week. I just couldn’t think about all of this anymore. I’ve been trying to reconcile this new-to-me stuff with my old stuff and I can’t. This new stuff is too big to stuff into the old way. I understand now what it means that we can’t put new wine in old wine skins. I feel like everything I knew blew up. I lost my former church family and I feel marooned on a beautiful island. I want everyone I know to come join me and see how beautiful this is but no one from my old group is interested. The more I go in this new direction, the weirder the old way seems to me. For a few months I’ve been trying to live in both groups at the same time and it’s impossible.

I feel like I’m treading water in a big ocean of questions right now and I don’t know what to do or how to think. It’s like even though the old way was painful, I felt more control. This new way for me feels like flying but then I panic and wonder if I’m just falling.

I feel like before I lived this Christian experience in my mind. And like Aiden says, now I’m being led to encounter God personally. From the heart. And just live. Not try to understand or explain. For now. I feel like before I had more of a relationship with my Bible, the church, and worship than with God Himself. This is a whole different thing. I’m scared because parts of me are still stuck in the old way.

I know nothing anymore except God keeps telling me He sees me, He’s bigger than I know, and He loves me. That’s all I know right now. It’s so difficult for me to let go completely. Can I really trust that He’s this good?

Ask what He would reveal to me.

The assumption of separation is the great darkness. Read Colossians in the Mirror Bible. Faith of Christ in me. Revelation of righteousness. It’s about what God did right, not what Adam did wrong. Romans 8 – we are not separated.

Christ is not hiding in Scripture, only mirrored there.

Heart knowledge is different than head knowledge. Just live our lives according to His truth. We become the god we worship. Live and love!

John 1:35-36. I’m not going to answer all your questions. I’m just going to tell you what I know and lead you to Jesus. That seems to be the whole theme. The whole example is not for us to be Jesus to people but rather lead them to have their own personal encounter with Jesus. Relief! I don’t have pressure; I can just share my experiences.

Watch and see whether people are trying to get you to follow them or if they are just excited to introduce you to Jesus. I heard a preacher say he wanted the people in his church to represent him. I thought that didn’t sound right. I don’t want anyone to be like me.

I don’t care about getting a bunch of people in my study group. My passion is to share my experiences and learn from others sharing. So that we have a deeper friendship with the real Jesus. And then we go out and do the same with others in our lives.

John 1:38. What are you looking for from Jesus? These guys were disciples of John so it is kinda assumed that it would be obvious they were looking for The Messiah, the Lamb of God. So why the question? It’s kind of an interesting continuation from the previous verses. John starts out by saying how Jesus was in the world and the world basically didn’t understand who and where He was. It’s emphasized that they call him teacher versus Messiah.

And then they ask him where he is abiding. That is so perfect in that it’s the first words we hear in this book and then also some of the last words before His death. Where He prays to the Father that we will know that He is in us. And He abides in the Father. And the Father in Him.

The focus is always on Jesus more than us.

It’s kind of like the disciples are saying, “Ok, Jesus, John said we don’t get it. Can you teach us?” And instead of answering them directly, Jesus basically says, “Come and see for yourself. Come and see IN yourself.”

Jesus is more interested in relationship. In us being with Him for real than having all the right answers.

A preacher said, “I don’t do one-on-one discipleship; who has time for that?” Basically, “I have time to give people knowledge, but not relationship.” Thank God, Jesus isn’t like that! God has all the time for us. 

“All the knowledge in the world but have not love…”

Our questions lead to Jesus revealing Himself to us, in relationship.

I find it interesting that Jesus found Philip. But then Philip said, “We’ve found messiah.” Obviously, Jesus found them first. Maybe John is telling us that Jesus found us from the beginning of all time, but we still revert back to thinking we found Him instead. He saved us, we didn’t save ourselves.

We don’t have to know all the answers. People need their own personal experience with Jesus.

We come to Jesus thinking we are doing something first. But Jesus said to Nathaniel and us, “I am in the beginning. I found you, I saw you. Before your friends led you to me, I already loved you.”

It’s in Nathaniel’s questions that Jesus reveals himself to him. Nathaniel gets it. He basically says, “Whoa – You taught me Yourself that You are the Messiah. I didn’t figure it out. You showed me.”

I used to see the next verses as a rebuke. But now I see them as Jesus and John setting up not only the next scene (you aint’ seen nothing yet), but the rest of John’s story. In the sense of this is just the beginning of us knowing God. It’s like John 1 is the trailer and thesis statement for the rest of the book.

Jesus knows how to reveal himself to people.

Psalm 32:2

Man, sometimes life can really test our “never give up” muscles, eh? Can I be honest? Lately I’ve been sick of wearing my “Never Give Up” shirt. Because it seems so trite in the face of so much suffering.

The only reason I keep on is (1) I need the encouragement, (2) I know it resonates sometimes with others, and (3) because I realize now, after trying for so many years, that I can give up. What?! Yep, I can give up.

I can give up on me. I can give up on other people. I can give up on this world. BUT, I can’t give up on Him. That’s the only One I can’t give up on.

Believe me, there are more and more days where my faith gets down to the last drop, the last crumb of manna. Like, “Where are You?!”

But I couldn’t believe, I couldn’t stick around in this mess, if I hadn’t experienced Him cover the distance between me and Him time and time again.

Today was one of those days. I had a long to-do list. I took the day off from work to catch up with the rest of my life. But I checked the news, and after the past weeks, months, years, it was just too much. I don’t want to go on a rant so I’ll leave it at that.

Suffice to say I didn’t move from my living room chair all day. I tried. Even while wearing the stupid shirt. But I couldn’t find the heart to do life today. I suspect a period of mourning is probably in order for all that has happened recently. I just fell into it and zoned out on distractions that only mildly dulled the narrative running through my mind.

Finally around 9pm, the nudge: “Talk to Me.” I ignore. “I AM right here. Tell me.” I was so tired. I stopped. I just laid there and poured out my anger, grief, and frustration.

No judgement. No “stop crying, get it together, and pull up your bootstraps”. Just the realization that I am not too sensitive. This is a giant mess and people are hurting all over and my tears and anger and grief are more than ok.

And then the simplest comfort; I felt like Elijah: “You are hot, go turn down the AC. You are hungry, go eat. You are thirsty, go drink some water.” I pulled myself up from the couch and shuffled dutifully over to the kitchen. Moping all the way.

Crying as I cooked dinner. This isn’t how we are supposed to be!!!! “You weren’t built to carry all of this. Live in this moment. Only this moment.” I’m called to love, and for that matter – be loved.

My favorite chapter, 2 Chronicles 20, came to mind again: “stand still and see…”. Over and over we are told not to fear, not to be afraid, not to dismay. Remember our brothers, Joshua and Caleb.

Back to my favorite 2 Chronicles 20, then the least likely course of action is taken as they face certain annihilation: they send the singers out in front of the army. And as they sang praises of worship, that is when He set the ambushes against the bad people.

So I turned up the music as I finished cooking. First song: “Trust in You” by Anthony Brown: “You did not create me to worry, You did not create me to fear… so I’mma leave it all right here”.

Sigh. Easier said than done, eh? How easily I forget. And yet so many times come to mind where I know that I know that He has not left me alone.

Too many questions. Not the least of which is: but what if we don’t see the answers we think are good on this earth during this lifetime? No easy answers. Those conversations are for another time. But just because I don’t understand, doesn’t mean He isn’t good. If I hadn’t experienced it personally over and over, I wouldn’t believe it just because someone said so. So not trying to say it’s easy.

Man, sometimes life can really test our “never give up” muscles, eh? Can I be honest? Lately I’ve been sick of wearing the Never Give Up shirt. Because it seems so trite in the face of so much suffering.

The only reason I keep on is (1) I need the encouragement, (2) I know it resonates sometimes with others, and (3) because I realize now, after trying for so many years, that I can give up. What?! Yep, I can give up.

I can give up on me. I can give up on other people. I can give up on this world. BUT, I can’t give up on Him. ☝ That’s the only One I can’t give up on.

Believe me, there are more and more days where my faith gets down to the last drop, the last crumb of manna. Like, where are You?!

But I couldn’t believe, I couldn’t stick around in this mess, if I hadn’t experienced Him cover the distance between me and Him time and time again.

Today was one of those days. I had a long to-do list. I took the day off from work to catch up with the rest of my life. But I checked the news, and after the past weeks, months, years, it was just too much. I don’t want to go on a rant so I’ll leave it at that.

Suffice to say I didn’t move from my living room chair all day. I tried. Even while wearing the stupid shirt. But I couldn’t find the heart to do life today. I suspect a period of mourning is probably in order for all that has happened recently. I just fell into it and zoned out on distractions that only mildly dulled the narrative running through my mind.

Finally around 9pm, the nudge: “Talk to Me.” I ignore. “I AM right here. Tell me.” I was so tired. I stopped. I just laid there and poured out my anger, grief, and frustration.

No judgement. No “stop crying, get it together, and pull up your bootstraps”. Just the realization that I am not too sensitive. This is a giant mess and people are hurting all over and my tears and anger and grief are more than ok.

And then the simplest comfort, I felt like Elijah: “You are hot, go turn down the AC. You are hungry, go eat. You are thirsty, go drink some water.” I pulled myself up from the couch and shuffled dutifully over to the kitchen. Moping all the way.

Crying as I cooked dinner. This isn’t how we are supposed to be!!!! “You weren’t built to carry all of this. Live in this moment. Only this moment.” I’m called to love, and for that matter – be loved.

My favorite chapter, 2 Chronicles 20, came to mind again: stand still and see. Over and over we are told not to fear, not to be afraid, not to dismay. Remember our brothers, Joshua and Caleb.

Back to my favorite 2 Chronicles 20, then the least likely course of action is taken as they face certain annihilation: they send the singers out in front of the army. And as they sang praises of worship, that is when He set the ambushes against the bad people.

So I turned up the music as I finished cooking. First song: “Trust in You” by Anthony Brown: “You did not create me to worry, You did not create me to fear… so I’mma leave it all right here”.

Sigh. Easier said than done, eh? How easily I forget. And yet as I type this, for anyone else who is feeling similar, so many times came to mind where I know that I know that He has not left me alone.

Too many questions. Not the least of which is: but what if we don’t see the answers we think are good on this earth during this lifetime? No easy answers. Those conversations are for another time. But just because I don’t understand, doesn’t mean He isn’t good. If I hadn’t experienced it personally over and over, I wouldn’t believe it just because someone said so. So not trying to say it’s easy.

Just wanted to share for anyone who can relate.

I had a mental picture of a big beautiful house that was dusty and full of shipping containers. Floor to ceiling, even on the porch. People were living like homeless people inside the shipping containers instead of moving the shipping containers out and living inside the house.

For me, the “vision” was a visualization of how we are all truly one family, but we silo ourselves off from each other. And instead of living in the fullness of His freedom, we act as if we are still not His kids and slave away in our own strength.

He has given us all things by His grace, but we keep going back and holding onto a false sense of security.

And yet, we are still inside, even in our blindness.

I had a mental picture of a big beautiful house that was dusty and full of shipping containers. Floor to ceiling, even on the porch. People were living like homeless people inside the shipping containers instead of moving the shipping containers out and living inside the house.

For me, the “vision” was a visualization of how we are all truly one family but we silo ourselves off from each other. And instead of living in the fullness of His freedom, we act as if we are still not His kids and slave away in our own strength. He has given us all things by His grace but we keep going back and holding onto a false sense of security. And yet, we are still inside, even in our blindness.

I used to think abiding meant living perfectly. Like you weren’t welcome at the table unless you cleaned yourself up enough.

Now I see abiding differently: I picture myself as being an easily-distracted little kid running around doing this and that and then all of a sudden realizing that I can’t see my Dad anymore. I can’t find Him. I panic. Previously those feelings used to lie to me and tell me I was unwanted. Now with a better understanding of His character, I am learning that abiding is simply crying out to Him for help. For comfort. For direction.

He is bigger; just because I can’t see Him, just because I took my eyes off Him, doesn’t mean He ever took His eyes off me. Now abiding is easier.

When you decide to have children, do you expect they are going to be perfect? When they act up or out, are you shocked and offended to the point of disowning them?

Well, even so, He says in Isaiah, “Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; your walls are continually before Me.”

Look at the heart of mother or father who will wait years and years, decades, without a shred of hope, in earnest anticipation of their prodigal’s return. Or the parent who will forgive over and over again, the worst betrayals, and come alongside to offer whatever is in their power with a completely unselfish heart that simply wants their child to be restored and free. Where does that love come from? We are created in His image.

We don’t question the decision of adults, who even in their brokenness, want children who will cost them a lot of personal sacrifice for many, many years. How much greater the love and patience of The Father for His kids, His Creation?

If you are feeling alone, ask even now for Him to help you see Him. Even if just out of curiosity more than belief. Personal experience will speak to you more than a million blogs or books ever could.

Your frame of reference may not be able to believe in the existence of the God your heart hopes for. That’s ok. He can handle all of you. Ask the hard questions. I challenge you.