Answers, my never-ending quest for answers. Led me into a place of fear tonight. I spent too much time going down a path and getting lost while trying to make my way back.

All of a sudden a nudge, “You’re finding out what all these people think, but you haven’t asked Me what I think.” And then a smile.

I brought the condemnation to the table: “Duh, Sarah! Way to complicate things, as usual.”

So I asked Him. And instantly, as only He can do, the answer popped into my head as clear as day.

The old way is not working with this new season. The old way was headquartered in my mind, while this new way is LIVED through my heart. Through relationship.

Answers, my never-ending quest for answers. Led me into a place of fear tonight. I spent too much time going down a path and getting lost while trying to make my way back. All of a sudden a nudge, “You’re finding out what all these people think, but you haven’t asked Me what I think.” And then a smile. I brought the condemnation to the table: “Duh, Sarah! Way to complicate things, as usual.” So I asked Him. And instantly, as only He can do, the answer popped into my head as clear as day. The old way is not working with this new season. The old way was headquartered in my mind, while this new way is LIVED through my heart. Through relationship.

This past Sunday I visited an Episcopal church for the first time that I can remember. I had anxiety about visiting. Why? I think I was nervous because I didn’t know what to do during the service. However, the lovely ladies with me helped me through the service with no problems.

Then it got me thinking: this Episcopal church service was different from the more passive services I’m used to attending. Where you can walk in and even sit in the dark sometimes. Stadium churches kinda lend themselves to that type of passive intellectual exercise.

However, the service at the Episcopal church was so different. There was so much participation and opportunities for everyone to be seen by and interact with specifically the “pastor”, but also each other.

It really helped drive home the point for me that I had forgotten that worship is celebrating Who has Created us to be in living active relationship with Him and others. Versus the cults of personality that some of us are more accustomed to.

Not to say we should be weird or get legalistic about it. Just to open our hearts to the invitation to more intentionally see and really be present with Him and others. Not only in the buildings where our congregations meet, but also in every moment of our lives.

I panic. And my panic turns to anger. Because every time I feel like I have an important part of the future figured out, sure enough things get stirred up.

I mean, we’re supposed to plan, right? They say if we don’t plan then we plan to fail? But what if every single last one of our plans blow up?

Is my security based on what I do and who/where I am? Or is my security in Who loves me?

Because if the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and it all depends on me, then…

There are times in life where God can’t just be intellectual or theoretical anymore.

I’m coming to the realization of how little I know and how little I control. And yet I am still responsible for my choices.

But I can give myself more grace.

I can quit freaking out about the future. All I can do is my best in this present moment. Leaving Him the rest. Embracing my belief that this life is a beginning; not the end.

Yesterday I went with someone to an Episcopal church. They were so intent on me going with them. I didn’t understand why – until the sermon.

I had never met the man before he gave the sermon. I don’t even think he realized it consciously, but he looked at me, directly at me, over and over as he spoke.

I had been wondering how honest I should be and whether or not I should write about my life. And he kept reiterating how we need to open up and be vulnerable and let people see the parts of us that we are ashamed of. He said doing that creates a space for people to meet Jesus.

He said not to tap out with the excuse that you don’t have enough. I feel like I don’t have enough time to sit down and really focus on writing. But writing is the only thing that keeps coming to mind. Over and over. Maybe not the only thing, but certainly repeatedly.

I panic. And my panic turns to anger. Because every time I feel like I have an important part of the future figured out, sure enough things get stirred up.

I mean that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? They say if we don’t plan, then we plan to fail? But what if every single last one of our plans blow up?

Is my security based on what I do and who/where I am? Or is my security in Who loves me?

Because if the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and it all depends on me, then… There are times in life where it can’t just be intellectual or theoretical anymore.

Coming to the realization of how little I know and how little I control. And yet I am still responsible for my choices.

But I can give myself more grace. I can quit freaking out about the future. All I can do is my best in this present moment. Leaving Him the rest. Embracing my belief that this life is a beginning; not the end.