I forget to make mention of these things. Chiefly because it is nobody else’s business.

And hopefully one of the least interesting things about me. If I’m fully alive and actually living.

Because I don’t want who I choose to spend my time with to be my whole entire personality.

I’ve always been like that. Intensely private about some things even as I choose to put myself out there on others. I like to say that in general I am an open book but not a billboard.

I don’t feel shame about what I am going to say next. That’s not why I bring it up or clarify my stance on it.

I just want to set the record straight. Pun intended.

Mainly because there is still a recording of me from a long time ago floating around there on the Internet. And my views have significantly changed since then. Thankfully!

So I just want to make that clear.

Because it’s come up recently. People asking me.

Number one: I now don’t consider sexual or romantic attraction as a binary situation. Maybe for some. But so far as I can tell, I think attraction exists on a spectrum for many, if not most.

So for me it’s no longer whether you are straight or gay. I hate even using those words.

For me now I see it as where do you fall on the spectrum of attraction towards feminine- and masculine-presenting energy, body parts, characteristics, etc.?

I personally am not attracted to specific body parts. I really don’t understand that so much. Especially reproductive organs. In either sex.

I am however intensely attracted to the whole package. I can definitely appreciate physical appearances as a whole.

Yet physical attraction is never enough for me. If everything else isn’t also there then I am completely turned off.

What else has to be there?

Good energy number one. Healthy internal energy emanating outward first. Psychic or spiritual energy. Whatever you want to call it. Basically people who are self-aware and working on their shit.

Then I am attracted in no particular order to…

Very high intelligence. Of all kinds. Book smarts, street smarts, emotional intelligence, etc.

And humor. Clever humor. Not bathroom humor. Although I’ll make an exception for clever bathroom humor sometimes.

There is the most attractive kind of intelligence in humor that makes me laugh still years later when I think of it. I’ve been pretty lucky to have found a few rare ones like that along the way.

But I absolutely hate and am completely unattracted to people who make fun of others in a mean-spirited way. That isn’t funny to me at all.

One such person comes to mind. The rare male I was sexually attracted to. He is super intelligent but I instantly hated him when word got back to me later that he made fun of someone I introduced him to. In front of her. Mocking her. Especially something she clearly was struggling with. That wasn’t funny to me at all!

So I am immensely attracted to respectful people. Being thoughtful and conscious of other people and your impact on the world is extremely sexy to me. A non-negotiable for me. And not that difficult. I am completely unattracted to selfish or mean people. People who don’t care how they hurt others.

On the flip side, I am also completely unattracted to people who aren’t able to stand on business. Who have no boundaries. Or who quickly fold under pressure. Who aren’t courageous. Who are weak and won’t stand up for what is right when they have the opportunity to do so.

I would say in general that I am most attracted to strength of all types. In either sex.

There are plenty more things on my list of attractive and unattractive qualities. But for now hopefully the point has been made.

What annoys me most about this conversation in current times is cultural norms being confused with gender, biology, or sexual attributes.

I am a biological female who prefers to dress in what my culture describes as more masculine clothing. But I am 100% sure that I am a biological female.

And although there are times that I wish I could partake in some biological and cultural advantages of being a male: such as being able to pee easier while traveling. And being able to avoid all of the negative aspects of constantly being sexualized as a female.

Even with that, I know I am a biological female. And I might not like all that comes with, but I know I can never be a male. And I don’t have any desire to try to live like one.

That being said, I two people come to mind. Of opposite genders. Who have changed over to living as the other gender.

One of those people I have known since they were a child. And they always expressed cultural tendencies of the opposite gender. It was no surprise to me then that they would want to live that way. But in my version of a perfect world, that person would feel free to use their given name and identity as male even when wearing clothes more commonly considered “female” in this culture. And paint their nails. And listen to certain music. And not act all macho tough. Etc. Just as examples.

I think maybe in another culture they would have felt accepted in doing so. Without feeling the need to present as a whole different gender. And it wouldn’t have to have been this whole thing.

Which I feel sad about. But is neither here nor there. My vote doesn’t count. It’s their life.

But why can’t we talk about internalized hate taught by society as part of the gender conversation? Before we go permanently altering body parts?

In any event, I have personally experienced how awful the treatment is when I refuse to comply with how this society expects me to present as female. I am treated like dog shit sometimes. Even by people who know me. They don’t think twice about it. My lack of concern about dressing for either the male or female gaze seems to make most people feel they have full permission to shit all over me.

By the way, I dress for comfort, happiness, and practicality. Sometimes for fun. Rarely to attract any attention. Especially sexual. That never was safe for me before. And there are extremely rare occasions where I feel safe doing so even now.

As this cultural stereotypically sees it, I am attracted to more masculine-presenting energy in either sex.

But one reason I hate talking about my sexual and romantic preferences is that those less prone to critical thinking will automatically assume I am then attracted to all females if I dress in a way that is associated with women who wear clothing that is culturally seen as more masculine.

And nothing could be further from the truth. I am attracted to a very small minority of women. Those that in my growing up used to be called “butch” or “dyke”. Now referred to among other terms as “stud” or “masc” etc.

In other words, don’t flatter yourselves women – I am not attracted to 95% of you. And it’s so annoying when people treat me otherwise. Just because I wear what they consider as masculine clothing. Ugh! Give me a break!

But it goes for guys also. I am not attracted to 90-95% of the guys I meet. And I do have a physical type there also. But I don’t have the motivation to go into that now. It’s not the point.

My personality and identity have very little to do with who I am attracted to. I am way more than that. I am a full person.

I think because I failed so spectacularly in finding community through spiritual ideologies, I am very resistant to seeking out community based on gender or sexuality or political ideologies, among many others, as they present in America for a large part these days.

In that I see people as individuals now.

My experience has been that shitty people can hide out anywhere. That being in a group of purportedly like-minded individuals is no guarantee you’ll be protected. Or find who you are looking for.

I guess I’m romantic in still thinking the Universe will absolutely bring along whoever is right for me whenever we are ready for each other. Whether it’s someone I know or someone completely new. Male or female. I trust God’s heart for me implicitly now in that especially.

Doesn’t mean “the apps” are ‘bad”. God bless you in however you choose to meet people. I’m sure there are plenty of case studies for others where it worked.

And never say never, but that way just doesn’t feel right for me now. I have such an aversion to playing games and being objectified. I just can’t stand treating myself like a piece of meat to be marketed.

I still want to believe in old-school love. Not “the one” so much as meeting people organically. That it is still possible.

I’ve encountered people from different backgrounds and orientations my whole life. When my biological father was in the military and we traveled extensively. To my own adventures across the country. And speaking with probably close to 20,000 people during my times as a taxi and rideshare driver.

All those conversations. All those interactions. Have taught me that I am a fool to pigeon-hole myself away from almost anyone based primarily on aspects of their preferences or ideologies.

I learn and expand my world way more when I take an interested and curious approach to everyone I meet. I have learned countless things from others by being open that way. I have made innumerable positive experiences and interactions by not counting people out before getting to know them.

I am much more concerned about how someone treats me and others. Than I am about any category even they might use to identify themselves and others by.

I’ve also been beat up by life enough to operate in enough humility to remember I was so sure of things long ago that I now completely reject. And as much as I wish security existed in dogmatic thinking, I now espouse never saying never. It’s easier that way. Than eating a big ol’ pie of crow later.

So am I “bi”? Sorta. If that means I am only attracted to like 5% of males and females on the planet.

But I am really unconcerned about labeling myself and others in that respect. I cringe at even talking about it.

And so along with that I just wanted to make clear that I don’t hate men even if I have been or ever end up with a woman. I’m not that kind of “lesbian” – if you insist on labeling me with that term.

I don’t hate lesbians either.

But rage-baiting and hating seems to be popular at least in America these days. More so than coming together to work things out. Even by those that profess to be so progressive.

I want peace. I want happiness. I want joy. I want respect. I want love for everyone. No matter who they are or who they are attracted to. As long as we’re talking about consenting human adults without any questionable age or wage gap stuff going on.

I align myself with people who live my same values. And of those, I share my body with who I’m physically and sexually attracted to.

That’s it. Simple. Straightforward. 😉

It would be easier if I could give someone a checklist. Ask them to align themselves with some binary sexual or political preference. And be done with it based on the junk between their legs. But I find real life much more complex and colorful than that. And thank God or goodness!

The artist in me still appreciates beauty. As subjective as that is. In that especially when it comes to females, I can appreciate beauty in women while not at all being sexually or romantically attracted to them.

One example is that I have an appreciation for the art in doing nails, hair, and makeup. I really do. I am amazed at some of the creativity. But do I want to be physically intimate with someone who has long nails, who wears makeup, and has a bunch of unnatural processed hair full of chemicals? Absolutely not at all! Not sexually attracted to that in the least. In fact, it’s a major turnoff for me when it comes to sexual attraction.

But these days in American culture I am so scared to give another woman a sincere compliment on any part of their appearance for fear that they’ll take it the wrong way. And read way more into it than I ever said.

This isn’t to bash women. Or anyone.

It’s just to officially clarify where I am for those that are interested in who I am attracted to. And may be understandably confused.

This isn’t all I have to say on the subject. But hopefully it clears up a few things.

I wish it was simple. But people are infinitely diverse. There are endless worldviews.

And I don’t think there are many shortcuts to bypassing the work required for true intimacy.

Loss is the price we pay for Love. No way around it. Either on the front end or the back.

One thing I regret: losing myself in trying so hard to find another.

So now I am primarily committed to being in a relationship with myself first. Loving myself first.

And that work is taking up all of my time, energy, and resources for now.

Having someone who actually understands and appreciates that right now would be so rare. Someone who wanted to stick around while I need so much space? Haven’t found them yet.

But also not holding my breath.

Doing the work. Creating a life I look forward to living. Regardless of whether someone sleeps beside me tonight.

I love Love. I am a big fan of intimacy. Physical and otherwise.

But I finally understand that just like the spectrum for sexual and romantic attraction, there is a spectrum of Love in our lives.

Just because you don’t have someone blowing your back out doesn’t mean you are alone. If you put yourself out there, the people you encounter throughout your day all have the potential to mirror Love right back to you. Different kinds of Love. Not just sexual intimacy.

That’s why I don’t trip on being caught up any situationships. Just to say someone tolerates me – at best for many if not most I’ve met.

Are you in love with Love? Or are you in Love with the totality of the essence of the person you purport to adore so much?

Do you really want them at their worst? Or just what they do for you?

Do you want them to be obsessed with you? To desire you above all?

Or are you in it for the long haul? When love is actions absent of feelings? When it’s time for Love to step up as a verb? To do the work. For them.

When you’re not even committed to doing the work for yourself?

I’m not against sex. I’m not against fun. I’m not even against organized groups.

I’m just saying there’s way more to the conversation for me than what reproductive organs someone has. And whether or not they want to get physically close to someone of any particular sex.

Do I have any desire to fight about any of this? Not at all as long as how others see differently isn’t being forced onto me.

For example, I find it absolutely ludicrous that a job application, and I’ve seen more than one, asks me what my sexual preference is! Like what the fuck does that have to do with performing the job I am applying for? I’m not sorry that I don’t want Corporate America in my underwear or my bedroom. Yuck.

But at the same time I am passionate about freedom of choice being legally recognized. As long as noone is getting hurt. That’s also a non-negotiable.

Representation matters a lot in that respect. Action matters even more.

How do we congregate and organize in that regard? Without devolving into unhelpful speech, to start?

I can at least do my part here. Speaking openly and honestly.

When others try to shame me.

At least stand up that way.

Maybe it won’t make a huge difference elsewhere, but it’s huge for me. Especially coming from where I’ve been.

I was around someone who talked in extreme language about unloading all the bullets they owned until there were a pile of bodies in their driveway.

Purportedly over political ideologies?

Hating others perspectives so much?

I was certainly taken aback. Felt very uncomfortable.

There has to be something else, something more going on. In my opinion.

Unhappiness. But it’s easier to project decades of anger onto someone who can take it. Versus when the object of your desire is the one also making you so mad.

The dissonance. What you’re seeing, what you’re hearing is the dissonance in literally millions of people. Who were sold a life and lies for years that they are realizing they can’t now cash out on. They invested everything and now the bank is empty. And there’s nobody around to even get mad at, to even be held responsible for the mess they’re in.

I feel sad for you, for them. To live a whole life thinking one things. I mean, putting everything you have towards those one things. Just to realize it was all for naught. Or even worse, put you farther behind than when you stared.

I can relate. Everything, all I had towards a world view I was born into. All to realize it was nothing. That most of it was untrue. I mean I went all the way. I gave up literally everything and everyone. All to find out after decades that almost none of it was true. And most of it was unnecessary.

That’s brutal. Being able to see the carnage. So painful. Being so intensely aware of how much I missed out on. And what I’ll never be able to get back. Not even with all the money and resources in the world.

Time is that one thing we need. That we can never get back.

It’s clear as day that you’re not happy. That you are bitterly seething. For mostly good reasons.

Until you keep trying to get happiness from the people who are the ones playing the biggest parts in your unhappiness.

The key isn’t murdering everyone else who appears to have what you want. In ways.

The key isn’t gunning down people who you can’t escape encountering who seem happier than you. Who seem to have the love, community, and support you aren’t crazy for wanting for yourself.

They’re just a constant reminder that no matter how much you try to build a massive defense wall of logical hoops to distract you, if it’s possible for them then that means it’s also possible for you.

You just gotta quit trying to get good water out of a poisoned stream.

You have to take the responsibility to be honest with yourself. Maybe for once.

And seriously identify what you really want.

And acknowledge what you really wanted this whole time.

Even if you abandoned yourself along the way by trying to deny it more and more.

It’s like the bandaid you refuse to rip off. All your defensiveness. It’s not like others can’t already see. You’re not even successfully fooling yourself anymore.

We need false hope to move us forward sometimes. I think God allows it. Especially if desperate times call for desperate measures.

But then we get strong enough to leave that crutch behind. It doesn’t mean you were weak. It means you were a human that was suffering.

When you’re overpowered that doesn’t mean you are weak. Usually it’s probably the opposite – that you are too strong – so strong that you won’t give yourself permission to step out from under something or someone that is unfairly applying so much pressure that it will eventually kill you. Or parts of you off.

I believe that once you are strong enough, once the immediate threats have tapered off, the entire Universe is completely for your healing. In that even if you give up on yourself, the ENTIRE Universe is programmed to nonstop push you forward towards what you might not even admit anymore is what you really want.

The situation you are trying to settle for is NEVER going to get better.

I’m pretty confident in saying that as a Universal Law and Truth. From my lifetime of experience.

I don’t think you are the exception.

I don’t think you denying your heart, you denying what you really want is going to be rewarded. Or encouraged long term.

This is Adam getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Not over a petty rule about apples. But so that he wouldn’t get stuck in destructive thinking.

Look around. You have more than you need. But it’s still not enough. Why? Because you’ve been barking up the wrong tree.

It might be fine for others. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to want more. Or another.

We try to externalize the work we need to do inside. We think the only option is outsourcing self-care.

For me at least because I was never encouraged to put myself first. Even in a responsibility sense. Family and church taught me in no uncertain terms that what I wanted didn’t matter. Oh and then corporate American came along and sealed the deal. For so many years.

There wasn’t a framework to resist. I wasn’t strong enough.

But now I am. Now I am able to make different decisions. Now I am painfully able to see what I missed out on.

You can’t dial back awareness. Not for all the downers in the world. Not for all the television. Not for all the movies. Not for all the doom scrolling. Not for all the other ultimately empty distractions.

You don’t get a pass from healing just because of how long it took for you to be strong enough to see the truth.

I thought God would at least let me have my most sacred cows. I thought for sure God wouldn’t take everything away from me. I mean I had some really good ones. I thought. I didn’t want to give up those I held so dear. The ones that I thought had been enough for so so many years.

People grow. People change.

If you can zoom out from your broken heart, and trust everything works for you, then there’s room to ask what else could be going on. Besides just a whole people group you think you need to exterminate in order to feel some sense of control over the floor slipping out from under you in all the ways you are resisting facing full on.

The problem isn’t out there. It really isn’t.

But even if it was, even if it is, all you have control over is what’s in front of you. Right in front of you. Realistically.

Unless you’re really married to the drama. To forcing everyone else to change before you fix your shit.

Good luck with that. Keep wishing, I guess. Maybe so.

But that’s not where I’m putting my hope. On everyone else changing enough for my happiness to be impacted. That might be ideal, but I think it’s nearly 100% improbable.

Are you that much of a gambler?
To what extent?
For how long?
You’re willing to wager the rest of your life?
ALL your future possible happiness?
Waiting for others?
Putting everything you want on them?

Instead of playing the cards you were dealt?

Good luck changing the game at this point. If that’s your whole plan.

I’m not saying you’re wrong for wanting people to behave differently. I’m just saying how has that worked for you thus far?

And is murdering others the answer? Is murdering others who seem happier than you really going to get you what you want?

Or is that the language of someone so angry? So resisting the grieving they’ve avoided all this time?

I can think of two guys. Who even killed their abusers. After the fallout of it all, even though they’re physically free from being locked up, they wouldn’t recommend it. The relief paled in the comparison to the internal consequences. Now they carry a heaviness they’ll never be able to shake or escape. Their responses were understandable but not the ultimate answer. What they really needed and wanted still didn’t manifest after they eliminated the people who they hated – even if for very good reasons.

We have this fantasy that one day people will change. One day we will be rescued. Outside sources will validate us. Give us permission to move on. Provide us with a guaranteed cushion to fall onto once we make the leap. Once we let go of what is killing us.

I don’t think life works like that. Where you stepping into all you’re more than invited to be is being gatekept by others. No, you are divine as a child of God. Your inheritance of divinity is the insistence that you step into the Creativity constantly waiting to burst forth from and for you.

The best service you can be to anyone and everyone is not to dial down what you want. Not to settle. But to step fully into who you are and could be. If you’d only admit to yourself what you really want.

Who told you that was wrong?
Who told you wanted too much?

Who told you to be “realistic”?
Maybe those that benefited from you not moving on beyond them?
So they could keep using you?
Why would they encourage you to stop making life comfortable for them?
So they don’t have to face their own shit also?

The enemy isn’t out THERE. It’s not in demons. Or policies. As they may be. They’re only effective with your complicity. Even as they aren’t the point. Bigger fish to fry.

First step: stop sleeping with the real enemy right at home.

This doesn’t mean annihilate another human being. They get to live their lives just as well as you. This isn’t about “good” versus “bad”. That’s the trap that will keep you stuck. Has been.

No, this is just about being honest and courageous enough to admit to yourself whether you want more. Or different. Step one.

And then deciding what more joy and happiness might look like for you. And whether it’s been time for you to go get it. To create a life you feel like waking up to.

There were days when I was so in love with parts of my life that sleep was an annoyance. Where I couldn’t stand having to take a break.

How do we get that back again?

Hard work. Not in terms of glorifying suffering. Nope. Pretty sure that hasn’t worked well enough for most of us thus far.

What I mean by hard work is traversing the great sea of grief between how we thought things were and now how we see they really be.

It doesn’t get easier. Each day that goes by adds to the difficulty in facing all that sadness and anger. All that disbelief.

We don’t get a pass just for how dedicated we were to the cause. It doesn’t work like that.

What will get you through, what will be the hope that keeps you afloat is a bigger why. You need an answer for all the suffering. For all the work. There has to be some legitimate purpose. Versus a world completely taken over by the “bad guys”.

I’m hesitant to share my thoughts in that regard. I don’t think such a big question is able to be even well-intentionally siphoned off another. Because I believe the answers to those questions are everything. Are the foundation and bedrock of moving forward in anything. Even the most mundane. Even replacing the roll of toilet paper in the restroom. Even washing the dishes. Pruning the bushes. Etc.

You have to wrestle with figuring out if you matter. If what you want is important enough. If your desires are valuable and worthy.

I can tell you I’m pretty sure the answer is 100% yes for me. I feel comfortable planting that seed of discontentment in you.

But just like the butterfly can’t soar to survive without building strength expressly through wrestling free, from the cocoon that initially was her comfort and safety – that has now become a cage, I gotta let you do the rest of this fight on your own.

All I can do of anymore significance is show you it’s possible. And worth it. That this isn’t just stupid dreams. That we can give ourselves permission to want and even expect more.

That giving other people so much power to determine our happiness is a complete waste of time. That the real answer is so much better.

And it’s been about damn time. I’ll definitely agree with you on that.

Tick tock.

When I was younger I wasn’t exposed to the Hispanic or Latino peoples to the same measure as when I was older. We ate crunchy tacos at the house. The kind where you buy the shell and seasoning packet at the grocery store. And those were tasty for sure.

But when I was around the beginning of high school is when I remember starting to go to Taco Bell. It was our weekly ritual, if you will. Every Friday my brother and I would have to clean the house before our mom got home from work. Then she would take us to Taco Bell. Where we’d have a three dollar limit to get anything we wanted.

We really enjoyed those trips to Taco Bell.

But then I met a girl who became my best friend. And she changed my world when she introduced me to the Jalisco restaurant just down the street from the Taco Bell. So close but a world away in terms of flavor and pretty much anything else.

It was the salsa first. And I’m still not over it. Every once in awhile I’ll still drive by and order just the chips and salsa.

Once I experienced the more authentic food, I could never go back to Taco Bell like I had before. They weren’t even in the same league.

I never knew the Jalisco-style food existed before I tried it. My entire world changed from that one encounter. I’ve experienced phenomenally better food since I left the comforts of Taco Bell and switched over to the “real thing”.

There is no comparison.

But that’s also the difference between religion and being relationship-oriented.

Religion can work for you for a time. There are a lot of decent things that can come out of it.

But religion is man’s attempt to box up God. Religion introduces you to the concept of God. But religion is like eating fast food Taco Bell.

Whereas experiencing relationship with your Creator is compared to real authentic comida cooked by an abuelita. You have no idea what you’re missing until you make the switch. And you can never go back to operating like you previously did.

We talked about relationship with Christ when I was in religion. But in that context it was anything but, basically. Real Love is not transactional at all. But the whole premise of most religions is boiling God down into a formula of what we do to get a deity to like, approve, or tolerate us enough to get what we want from it.

I can describe Taco Bell. And I can describe religion for you.

But it would take a long time to try to describe all the more complex flavors of authentic “Mexican” food. Not to mention all the other countries in Latin America and beyond.

Which is the same with real relationship. I could spend a lifetime trying to define and share everything I’ve experienced when switching from religion to relationship.

Now that being said, I still think there is great value in the community religion is probably better at most in providing.

And I still think there is value in creating spaces to invite people to experience relationship with their Creator on a level there’s a good chance they never before heard was possible.

And I’d personally love to be able to congregate with others to talk about and celebrate the freedom and Love I’ve experienced since I was brought over to this new-to-me way of Living.

Even studying and defining shared values can be helpful. But that’s where the slippery slope for me begins. That’s when people start arguing. When they start dividing just to split hairs. Where I don’t think Jesus would agree that’s so much a point worth us parting ways over.

I love Jesus. More importantly Trinity Loves me. And Loves us all.

It was always simple: “Jesus Loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong;
they are weak, but he is strong.”

Religion could have stopped there. That is the whole story. That’s all you need to know.

Or we could have gone so far as: “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white – they are precious in His sight.”

That’s it. That’s the whole message. That’s everything you need to know. There’s your theology. Now you’re qualified to tell people about Jesus.

More importantly share your personal experience. Invite them to real relationship. Change their whole world like my best friend did when she introduced me to real salsa. 🙂

Jesus speaks for Himself. We don’t need to make things anymore complicated than that. Just Live God’s Love in you. It’s that simple. Just lean into the freedom of the safety you experience in Christ. Believe me, doing that will bring more attention to the message you wish people would embrace than you will probably would ever want. It’s unnerving how people react so violently to someone challenging their beliefs. When the end message is only relief.

I can’t do the heavy lifting. All I can do is enjoy my Life. All I can do is try to share the Love and freedom I’ve experienced.

Less in words – although I still clearly indulge that intellectual itch. But if you stop at mental masturbation then you’re still treading in religion.

We were made to experience God’s Love. That is Life. That’s what makes everything worth Living.

Enjoy the chips. Enjoy the salsa. Better yet, enjoy it with each other!

Religion wants to preserve the body in some museum-like condition. For what?

Relationship says, “Fuck that.” Relationship puts that full body to use until the very last day.

I think there’s more to come after our last breath here in this Earth suit. But what scares me is if we only get one chance at this human experience. And then waste it all thinking all God cares about above everything else is preserving our bodies to the extent that we go out in the closest condition as when we came in.

Fuck all that. There’s no way that’s the main point. Not in a world so endlessly big, bold, and breathtakingly beautiful.

I appreciate the invitations, but y’all out your mind if you think I’m going to spend the rest of this trip holed up in a room beating myself over the head, crying over ever mistake I ever made. That’s not the worship I think my God desires.

Of course I wish I could have done differently. But I don’t have that option now. I can only move forward. I can only do better this time.

And I’m under no delusion that I will not continually “fail”. I’m only a kid. Only dropped into some fantastic timeline. With zero clue as to what we’re all doing. That alone proves it can’t be so serious as religion goes on and on about.

Oh there is importance. But important things don’t have to look like getting beaten over and over on the head multiple times a week.

Like the kids say, y’all need to get out and touch grass. Y’all need to turn off the damn devices and go look at the sky. Get out of those damn four falls and listen to the ocean exclaim the real greatness of God!

And eat some authentic tacos while you’re at it. 🙂 Eat the damn salsa. As much as you want. Trust me, you have no idea how much you are missing out. You’ll never go back. Not for all the Taco Bells in the world. 🙂

You want to be there, but you can’t. For your own sanity. For your heart. For your health. For your ability to survive.

If you’re ever going to have a chance to thrive. To be able to ever obtain any enjoyment of and from this life.

The time you’ve been given like everyone else. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

Just because they won’t let themselves have it doesn’t mean you have to join them. Just to feel less alone. Just to not leave people you want in your life behind.

That’s fucking sad. That you can’t make people come along. That they will choose to stay behind.

At least for now. Maybe you have to show them how to do it. That it’s possible.

Yet without any guarantees.

I hate when you force me to choose myself over you. I hate being put in that position. There is no win to celebrate. No victory in moving forward without you.

But I have to. I can no longer kill myself for everyone else. For anyone else. That shit is unbearable.

Because at the end of the day you’ll still leave me even if I give you the world. Because you already abandoned yourself.

I can’t expect you to show up for me, even in the simplest of ways, if you don’t show up for yourself.

They said to watch how a man treats his mother. Because that’s how he’ll treat you. But the same applies to everyone: they can’t treat you better than they treat themselves. Long-term.

You want me to join you. You want me to validate how you give up. You don’t want me to challenge that shit.

But I refuse to accept that is all you deserve, that is all you’re due. Nope.

Follow my lead if you will. If you dare.

But I can’t stop living anymore in order to wait for you. I did that my whole life. I am so far and too far behind to wait for you to decide to value yourself before I start living again.

I did that for too long with all the wrong people. People who didn’t wait up for me in return. People who didn’t show up for me when I truly needed it.

So I have to finally show up for myself even if nobody else chooses me. As unfair and painful as that can be to face.

I am no longer waiting for permission to be happy. I am no longer waiting to be given the basics of a life worth living. I am rediscovering the power we’ve all been given to create lives worth living for. Lives worth showing up for. Eventually.

At least I won’t continue to subject myself to the same endless shit. And wonder why I feel so bad, why I never feel better.

It’s completely understandable. I wasn’t taught to expect anything more. But that doesn’t mean I have to continue perpetuating some shame story like a sick inheritance passed down from generation to generation.

I am finally choosing differently. In measurable ways this time. As absolutely fucking hard as it is to do the work. Without proof that risking it all, at least with you, will ever pay off.

But I can’t keep doing the same ‘ol, same ‘ol and expect different results. Somethings got to give. And unfortunately I guess it’s this.

You have to believe better is possible. In order to find the strength to push yourself forward in the face of so much pain. So much difficulty. So much loss.

You have to trust that there is a Creator who Loves them as much as They Love you. That my attempts to rescue those I don’t want to be without pale in comparison to God’s abilities to truly give them the same freedoms I want them so desperately to embrace.

That I can truly relax if I deep-down believe God Loves them more than I ever could. That we all are truly safe.

Do I really trust in a good God that doesn’t toy with my heart?

Or does it always depend on me?

I choose hope. I choose Jesus.

I choose my identity as a child of a very good God. The Father our hearts were not spoiled to expect.

It’s okay to name things as they really are. If I have reason to believe the story doesn’t stop there. That the narrative might only just be beginning.

For a God whose mercies are new every morning. That the world will still keep spinning if I let Him handle it all.

Me and my heart included.

We have to find the courage to see things as they are. Not just as we wish them to be.

And trust that being able to do so means we’re finally strong enough. Even if we don’t feel like it. Even if it’s intensely painful.

That the time is now.

Not for punishment. Or else do you still believe in the lie of that kind of deity?

Not me. I finally trust. I finally have reason to believe. Reason for real hope. Experiential data for true faith.

Not delusion. Not limerence. As necessary as those were to my survival.

I forgive myself. I even forgive God.

I am finally leaning in. When I’m able. As I’m able. Giving myself grace.

Confident that there is a lot more going on than I am able to hold in my comparatively tiny brain.

This is the kind of humility that isn’t dehumanizing. Where I don’t need to even have to figure out how to save myself. So I can let God save everyone else. And their view of Trinity.

So that…

We can hopefully rejoice and celebrate all together eventually.

I won’t ever stop hoping I get to see it in this lifetime. But I am confident we’ll all eventually see it either way in whatever lifetimes come after this one.

Many might call it excessively indulgent to ask for more than what people expect me to settle for. But I don’t see any other way out of our current shit.

I am no longer operating in shame. Or despondency.

I choose better before I feel like it.

And if you think I’m so wrong in doing so then please explain otherwise. With proof.

I have felt shame my entire life. It feels like. As far back as I can remember.

And there is a lot of it that I have overcome. A lot of it I’ve made peace with and worked through. A lot of it that I have separated from my identity.

But believe it or not, I never named not being skinny one of those things until right now. I didn’t realize until now that not being skinny has been one thing I’ve been bathed in shame about every day all day for most of my life.

It really doesn’t have much to do with my looks actually. I just mainly miss being the athletic kid I was before this weight had to be put on in order for me to find some protection.

Because before I used to be outside every chance I could get. I miss rollerblading and swimming most. I miss hiking, playing basketball and football, biking – all of it.

But I was terribly sexualized and unconsciously shut all of that down because the attention my body received was out of control. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it back then. I was just a literal child.

I still don’t really know how to handle that shit. Recently I posted an add for a professional service. Nothing to do at all with my body. And even now at over 300 pounds, all the responses I received were solicitations from males for everything other than my professional services.

Here is the latest: “Fuck 😍 you are sexy. I don’t know if I could have you in my house lol”

The effect: I just want to hide. I don’t want to be seen. Immediately my voice goes silent. Immediately I shut down.

And then feel immense shame. Just realizing now that’s what it is.

The problem is not and never was me. I’ve always just been here trying to live my life.

But I can’t win. It’s either attention I don’t want. Not to mention coupled with hate from females who are jealous of it.

Or the opposite side where I am treated as sub-human because I’m not skinny enough.

You know there are a lot of what’s referred to as protected classes out there. Things you can no longer discriminate or treat people badly for. The color of their skin, the genitalia they have, any disability.

But not being skinny? You’re shit out of luck. And shit on.

Even those people closest to me have at one point made “fat jokes” right in front of me. Or talked disparagingly about someone else’s weight right in front of me.

Not to mention everyone else. All day. Every day.

I know it’s hurt me professionally. And I have even been told to my face that someone would marry me if I lost weight.

Fuck that. And fuck you all.

But I guess if not being skinny is the worst thing people can say about me then I’m not too horrible of a person.

Yet it still doesn’t feel good.

And people don’t see anything wrong with it. They never will. Even fat people hate on other fat people. Talk about a shame spiral.

I want my athletic body back. Let’s be clear about that. I want to enjoy being healthier. In many ways. Strictly physically speaking.

And I mainly want my athletic body back socially only so it’s a non-issue. So I have more of a chance to be seen as who I am, what I do, how I treat people, what I produce, etc. Than just a “fat person”. Then just my body weight.

(Even though I can confirm that everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.)

But notwithstanding, I am finally starting the process of dealing with the shame poured onto me of not being skinny enough for other people.

Finally starting to separate my body size from my worth and value as a child of God.

Finally starting to learn to love myself regardless of the never-ending pretty much straight-up abuse I will continue to receive until I reduce the size of my body down to a look that makes other people more comfortable.

But until people stop the most overt and blatant mistreatment. Until my body is such that people will shut up more about it…

An interesting thought occurred to me: maybe God wants me to stand out. Maybe I have some things to say. For myself and possibly to help others. And maybe my voice, that I’ve fought SOOO hard for, would be lost in the sea, the cacophony of murmurs all around, if I was just another skinny bitch. Just another nondescript person fitting in.

Maybe standing out is exactly what God intended all along. When society is relentless in trying to convince me that safety only will come if I choose the otherwise.

Maybe it’s time for me to actually embrace how I am so ostracized socially, romantically, professionally, etc. Even in church. Even in “healthcare” settings. Even with so-called family and friends.

Maybe the key to unlocking my potential doesn’t come when I am small enough for everyone else.

Maybe all along my success was never going to happen without the celebration of everything I’m “not”.

And for good reason? For many good reasons.

Maybe the key to everything I want has been here all along. Despite everyone telling me the opposite.

Maybe being “big” is more than something to keep letting people beat me up about.

Maybe being “too much” is really the point after all.

Maybe I need to stop feeling shame and instead finally start throwing some of my weight around.

Never in a million years would I have guessed anyone would have been jealous of me. Because they shouldn’t be. Believe that. You wouldn’t want to walk very far down the path I’ve been forced to be on.

It took me a few decades to figure out what was up, what was going on. Because I’d look at what these jealous people had that I wanted. And by comparison I thought they had way more of what I wanted than vice versa.

I mean how is a woman thirty years older than me with a whole ass family, career, home, social circle, health, etc. going to be jealous about the one or two little bitty things that I got going on comparatively? It’s really insane.

But what you don’t see until someone like me inadvertently shines the light on it, is that some people appear to have it all but still hate their life.

They either got a lot of it under false pretenses so they can’t truly enjoy it because they’ll never respect themselves.

Or they made some pretty deep sacrifices, probably out of fear, to be comfortable enough but not really have what they want.

That’s why people hate me a lot of the times. When they see me going against the grain and getting what they want.

One example is don’t I dare laugh and feel happy while being fat. Ewww, and don’t I DARE have someone who loves me while being this size! Double-deadly if it’s someone they wanted to be loved by. Even if I had no choice in the matter.

That’s the sick shit about child sexual abuse. Sometimes adults can be jealous of the bad kind of attention a child is receiving. Even if the child had zero choice in the matter. And totally hates the attention being funneled their way. Especially if it’s being funneled away from the adult who is jealous of them.

Catch my drift? That shit is so sick on so many different levels. Took me a long time to figure that one out. Much too late on an intellectual level. If deep in my gut I actually knew on it for survival unconsciously early on.

Stay small. Get smaller. I thought that was the solution. Tried my whole life. Never worked.

You can have nothing and people will still find something they want from you. Even in the case of abject poverty, they’ll be jealous of what appears to be freedom from obligations they’ve begrudgingly chained themselves to.

You can’t be happy for other people if you think everything is a competition. If you think there is a finite amount of everything. If you don’t believe the world is 100% setup for you. For your healing so that you actually can get what you really want in the end.

You don’t really believe God Loves you just the same if you are jealous of anything I have.

You don’t really believe God is crazy about you if you are resentful of anything about me or what I have.

This is another gift of being fat and being without what is otherwise standard for most folks in many important ways: people will treat you so badly, reject you so badly, that you’re forced to “meet your Maker”. When God is all you have left then you’re forced to get to know your Creator more than most. When there’s nobody around except you and God then you have the opportunity to maybe sooner discover how much you are Loved.

And really no other choice than to make peace with yourself. With who you are. “Faults” and all. When you have no one else to ever depend on. Then you have to learn to accept yourself on some level. In order to not completely devolve into a paralyzed mess. Cause ain’t nobody coming to save you.

You either become your own validation. Your own approval. Your own best friend. Your own family. Your own community. Or you stay stuck thinking everything you want is being given to everyone else but you.

People don’t hate you if they are happy. If they take responsibility for what they want.

People hate you, people are jealous of you when they build their itty bitty self-worth on things that are fleeting. Things that don’t hold water.

For instance people are only jealous of what I have in spite of my fat, or even something so uncontrollable as the color of my eyes, if they have built their entire self-worth on their appearance. Then anything I have in spite of mine, or because of mine, is something they hate.

Because, only in their mind, they – and more importantly their perception of their self-worth – is threatened by anyone else having what they want.

Like if I am fat and dare to be happy then that shines a painful light on all they’ve thrown away in order to sacrifice for building a semblance of life solely upon their appearance.

Same thing financially. If people try to base their self-worth solely on their possessions then they’ll be super pissed if they see me happy without going to all that work.

Same thing socially. If people have lied, stolen, and killed for the people they’ve surrounded themselves with. If their community is a result of manipulation or wielding fear then they are going to despise me for honestly coming by true love, true affection, true respect. If they see genuine love, they are going to hate that shit. If all they’ve settled for is worship of their fragile ego.

Same thing with freedom. Some people sacrifice what they really wanted for what they thought would be security. Their fear got the best of them. Not that I can at all blame them looking in from the other side. But they hate me because my life so goes against that grain. How dare I have moments of happiness that make them question everything the’ve painfully given up along the way! They want me so far away from them so they never have to be reminded of that shit.

And so they’ll do anything they can to hurt me until I go away.

Meanwhile I’m over here minding my business. Totally confused. Not realizing the nicer I try to be the more they hate me and want me to go away.

Until it happened over and over and over and over for years. Decade after decade. Until I finally stumbled on the reason. In a moment of desperation. When I cried out to God because I didn’t understand why a few people wanted to see my suffer so much.

Not my choice, I’ll tell you that.

I finally realized I couldn’t change anyone. I could only live my best life. For me. For myself.

And either keep taking the hits from people who think they have reason to be jealous of me. Instead of having their own conversations with God about what they really want.

Or move on. Stop unintentionally making myself a target for their pain and unhappiness. Put them squarely in God’s hands. And thereby remove myself.

Go find and be around people who have owned the responsibility for their happiness. Who have made peace with themselves. Who seek joy.

I guess it never occured to me to be jealous of anything anyone else had because I never expected anything to be given to me in the first place. I never experienced that luxury. I always had to work for any little scrap of anything I could get. So I never felt entitled to anything anyone else had.

When I looked at what other people had, I didn’t hate them. I just asked myself how they got there. In case there was a way for me to work to get what they had. Be it financial, appearance, or otherwise.

Yeah, I’d be pissed if I, for example, saw someone who I considered less intelligent having more than me. But I wasn’t pissed at them. I was just pissed at myself. For not yet being able to figure it out when clearly they had.

But that’s a good thing. Expose where I could do better – so that I can do better! So that I can get all that is out there for me to get.

Scarcity mindset is a real thing. And incredibly dangerous at times.

But I choose to believe in a good God. It comes down to that alone really. A good God mindset. Where abundance of all that I want is truly possible. Without taking from anyone else. Without hating them for what they have. Without being jealous.

And if you hate a child because someone is paying them attention in the form of molestation, that shit is weird and sick, bro. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Primed as you may have been in your upbringing to think you don’t deserve anything more. Deep down you know that shit ain’t right.

It’s not about the child at all. It’s about you valuing yourself so little that all you think you can get is a child molester. And you’ll sacrifice children to settle for that.

You don’t attract child molesters at all. But your lack of self-worth didn’t send them on their way at the first signs of something not being up to par. And we’re talking bare minimum. Not some selfish extravagance.

You’re not going to keep attracting child molesters. That’s not the point at all. But your lack of boundaries, because your lack of self-worth, is going to keep them around way past their expiration date.

It is as simple as deciding what real Love looks like. Deciding whether you want it or not. And then giving it to yourself first. So that you are not dependent on stealing it from others. And so you won’t ever again settle for someone who isn’t meeting you on that same level.

It really is possible.

Same even for men I suppose. Your upbringing priming you to settle for less than the respect you deserve. We can argue that. But until when? When will you decide to respect yourself first? When you’re a kid it’s not your fault. But as we get old enough it becomes our responsibility. Fair or not.

Part of identifying what was done to us is wanting so badly for justice to come in from the outside. And in that, these past few generations have been about us waking up.

But we can’t stop there. Waking up is just part of many steps.

Ain’t no government coming to save you. Ain’t no law or lawsuit going to usher in what you really want. Ain’t no cancellation or conciliatory handout going to fully satisfy.

These things we’re talking about are much bigger. Deep soul matters. Of the entire collective. Turning a corner in history.

Together. One individual at a time. Seeing where they were lied to. And deciding to do differently.

Or not.

What will you decide?

Jealousy is a compliment. In a weird ass way. It doesn’t feel good, but the other person sees your strengths better than you do.

What gets me is the viciousness of what appears to be hatred. When really it’s just tons of envy.

The scary part is the degree of their fury is actually not towards you. It’s the degree that they hate themselves and/or their own life.

Don’t take it personally. But I’d say remove yourself if you can make an exit.

Radical responsibility doesn’t go looking for people to treat me nicer. Radical responsibility doesn’t fall apart and start sucking my thumb like there’s no other option.

No, radical responsibility is me looking myself straight in the face and saying I’ve already outgrown these folks. No matter how much I may like them or want them to like me.

That’s it. Cut and dry. If I want better treatment then I need to be around better people.

And I haven’t put myself in that position because I didn’t want to be rejected by people I respected. Because I knew I wasn’t doing my best.

There’s reasons – sure. But you either work through them or you stay stuck. Cause probably no hero, even Jesus, coming to fix things anytime soon. Certainly waiting around for God to fix everything and everyone got me exactly right here. In these streets. People hating my guts for the barely there minimum I got.

Ridiculous. If I truly want better.

What’s better worth to you?

Just call it like it is if that’s the deal. As in, yeah – I lost literally everything and everyone. Like a bomb was dropped into my life, into my world. Even almost lost all of myself.

So that’s a gimmie. For sure. I didn’t even want to be alive for the longest. Hope disappeared completely. For the old narrative I was quite certain about I guess too many times.

My only goal now is better. Have to still ration my emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and social energy. In order to build. In order to maintain an upward trajectory – albeit at a MUCH slower pace than I’d prefer.

But it’s something. And after the last few years I’ve had, something is good enough. I can work with something as long as it’s going in the right direction.

Winners lose more than losers. Can’t forget that.

While we level up.

While we no longer give energy to jealous people. To unhappy people. To people whose only sick pleasure is knocking you down. Happy at your misery.

Not me. Not after all I’ve been through. Zero time for that.

No more gaslighting myself to accept crap. Even in the name of Jesus.

Less delusional, dare I say, optimism going forward. No longer afforded the luxury of youth’s ignorance.

Real life. All day every day over here, bitches. Take that to the bank. I’m walking myself through putting the old me to death. Not giving the fuck anymore about any other bullshit.

Level up.