Sarah Nyhan

I have felt shame my entire life. It feels like. As far back as I can remember.

And there is a lot of it that I have overcome. A lot of it I’ve made peace with and worked through. A lot of it that I have separated from my identity.

But believe it or not, I never named not being skinny one of those things until right now. I didn’t realize until now that not being skinny has been one thing I’ve been bathed in shame about every day all day for most of my life.

It really doesn’t have much to do with my looks actually. I just mainly miss being the athletic kid I was before this weight had to be put on in order for me to find some protection.

Because before I used to be outside every chance I could get. I miss rollerblading and swimming most. I miss hiking, playing basketball and football, biking – all of it.

But I was terribly sexualized and unconsciously shut all of that down because the attention my body received was out of control. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it back then. I was just a literal child.

I still don’t really know how to handle that shit. Recently I posted an add for a professional service. Nothing to do at all with my body. And even now at over 300 pounds, all the responses I received were solicitations from males for everything other than my professional services.

Here is the latest: “Fuck 😍 you are sexy. I don’t know if I could have you in my house lol”

The effect: I just want to hide. I don’t want to be seen. Immediately my voice goes silent. Immediately I shut down.

And then feel immense shame. Just realizing now that’s what it is.

The problem is not and never was me. I’ve always just been here trying to live my life.

But I can’t win. It’s either attention I don’t want. Not to mention coupled with hate from females who are jealous of it.

Or the opposite side where I am treated as sub-human because I’m not skinny enough.

You know there are a lot of what’s referred to as protected classes out there. Things you can no longer discriminate or treat people badly for. The color of their skin, the genitalia they have, any disability.

But not being skinny? You’re shit out of luck. And shit on.

Even those people closest to me have at one point made “fat jokes” right in front of me. Or talked disparagingly about someone else’s weight right in front of me.

Not to mention everyone else. All day. Every day.

I know it’s hurt me professionally. And I have even been told to my face that someone would marry me if I lost weight.

Fuck that. And fuck you all.

But I guess if not being skinny is the worst thing people can say about me then I’m not too horrible of a person.

Yet it still doesn’t feel good.

And people don’t see anything wrong with it. They never will. Even fat people hate on other fat people. Talk about a shame spiral.

I want my athletic body back. Let’s be clear about that. I want to enjoy being healthier. In many ways. Strictly physically speaking.

And I mainly want my athletic body back socially only so it’s a non-issue. So I have more of a chance to be seen as who I am, what I do, how I treat people, what I produce, etc. Than just a “fat person”. Then just my body weight.

(Even though I can confirm that everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.)

But notwithstanding, I am finally starting the process of dealing with the shame poured onto me of not being skinny enough for other people.

Finally starting to separate my body size from my worth and value as a child of God.

Finally starting to learn to love myself regardless of the never-ending pretty much straight-up abuse I will continue to receive until I reduce the size of my body down to a look that makes other people more comfortable.

But until people stop the most overt and blatant mistreatment. Until my body is such that people will shut up more about it…

An interesting thought occurred to me: maybe God wants me to stand out. Maybe I have some things to say. For myself and possibly to help others. And maybe my voice, that I’ve fought SOOO hard for, would be lost in the sea, the cacophony of murmurs all around, if I was just another skinny bitch. Just another nondescript person fitting in.

Maybe standing out is exactly what God intended all along. When society is relentless in trying to convince me that safety only will come if I choose the otherwise.

Maybe it’s time for me to actually embrace how I am so ostracized socially, romantically, professionally, etc. Even in church. Even in “healthcare” settings. Even with so-called family and friends.

Maybe the key to unlocking my potential doesn’t come when I am small enough for everyone else.

Maybe all along my success was never going to happen without the celebration of everything I’m “not”.

And for good reason? For many good reasons.

Maybe the key to everything I want has been here all along. Despite everyone telling me the opposite.

Maybe being “big” is more than something to keep letting people beat me up about.

Maybe being “too much” is really the point after all.

Maybe I need to stop feeling shame and instead finally start throwing some of my weight around.