Round and round this desert, these deserts, until you’ve had enough. Until you agree with God about love and that you deserve so much… more.

Round and round this desert, these deserts, for you. So that you’ll fight for your worth. So you’ll want more.

Round and round this desert, these deserts, until you don’t need them anymore. To wake you up. To awaken the hunger inside of you. To keep you alive. To not let you go out like this.

You insist on a hell. When The Promised Land is just on the other side. You say, “No, I’ll camp out here. It’s the best I’ve ever known. I’ll choose the hell I know over the fear of the unknown.” And why wouldn’t you, given your experience?

But this whole earth, this whole universe is setup for your healing. It will keep on. There will never be a break. Until you reach for more. Specifically, for better.

Until you value and love yourself like God loves you.

Forget everyone else. This is about you.

This charade, this parade. You know it more than anyone.

The lies you have tried to deny. You know them more than anyone.

Thrown in your face.

You meant well. You took it. But what if all this time God has actually been working to help you to do different? To sing a new and better song?

Does that scare you? Leave you vulnerable?

Have you ever asked? Dared to get angry? Scream and cry out of frustration?

How long ago did you shut down your heart and start living in your mind?

You were jealous of me. I’m sorry, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see exactly what was going on. Bits, but not the whole picture.

I’m sorry I discounted your feelings when you tried to communicate them. I didn’t realize all that was going on.

You are not a slave. But yes, I would have ALWAYS agreed that YOU are allowing yourself to be treated like one. But I don’t look down on you for that. How would you have known much different? You were so young and this has been going on for so long. Forgive yourself.

Dare to ask for more.

You will not die. Reaching out for more will not kill you.

Oh, there will be a death. But only what needed to die. What could have been taken off life support and buried long ago. When you didn’t know any better.

Forgive yourself.

Anything good will survive.

Your God hasn’t given you relief in this prison because the doors are wide open. You were never meant to be comfortable here. There is still so much more life left to live. If you’ll risk it. If you’ll believe in a better God.

If you’ll truly trust yourself and those you love, or those you’ve been attached to – if you’ll truly put them in your Creator’s hands.

It either is or isn’t dependent on you. Which do you choose?

I miss you. And you are loved.

Almost everyone tries to tell you that all the time. Over and over. Why do you push them all away for those that don’t? The rare few that insist you’re not good enough.

It doesn’t matter. You have to believe it for yourself. That’s the whole point.

Be mad at God. Start there. See what happens.

It really messed me up in a good way the other day when I heard that some people try to outsource self-love. Desperately. Holding everyone else accountable for loving them, but not holding themselves accountable for self-love. That hit deep.

The more I think about it, the more important I think it is to prioritize taking care of your business. I mean one of the greatest commandments is love your neighbor as you love yourself. The order of the words seems to kinda put the neighbor first. But really, loving yourself is the first action.

If I treat myself like crap, then it’s no wonder that I will not treat others well. If I don’t value myself, how can I really value another? If I put myself down and don’t have patience with myself, how long can I really be patient with another?

Think of it like a gas tank. Even if I give away everything I have to others in the name of love, eventually I’ll run out. That’s what happened to me. I didn’t even know it until I hit empty. I have been recovering ever since.

Cheerful giver. Giving from a place of abundance. Not putting myself in a place of poverty just to lift another up – like I used to do before. Does God give from a place of abundance or a place of lack?

I think in general the problem is learned helplessness. If you were never encouraged or were even actively discouraged from loving yourself, and you had to survive on the crumbs of affection that were given to you by others, or crumbs you had to earn through performance – then is it no wonder that it never even occurs to you that you have the ability to love yourself period – much less when others don’t.

How and where do you start when you’ve never done a thing before? I am learning to start wherever the pain rears up. You get that moment of looking outside of yourself. Upset about someone not being there for you in some way. Or unhappy with yourself. And you start there. Acknowledge the disappointment. But then ask yourself what YOU want to do about it. Keep crying and complaining about it for how long? You can do that. Or you can make changes. Little by little.

I’ve seen people sit and wait for decades. Sitting in rooms, distracting themselves with various forms of mind-numbing entertainment. Stewing in resentment. In my experience, these are some of the ugliest people. So desperate for control that they push everyone away. Ungrateful. And unwilling to do much of anything, especially if it will require long periods of discomfort, to change their situation.

Do you want to be well? Get up and walk.

Of course it won’t feel that easy. Any muscle that has been atrophied for so long will take a lot of work to get into any shape. But would you rather the alternative?

You can do it.

I asked God for a vision today. For new vision for the future since what I thought would happen crashed dramatically to the ground. No putting the spilled milk back where it came from. Gone. Finished. Unless God performs a miracle; which may not even be best.

I felt like God said to me that there is no grand vision. There is no master plan. There is no perfect path. That this is all about relationship and healing. That I am a co-creator of sorts. That Trinity will work with whatever I give God. So I get to choose.

Which brings up a whole huge litany of thoughts you don’t consider when you are simply looking at rules and figuring out boundaries. Let’s start with: why? Why will I choose what I choose? What am I aiming for? Temporarily pacifying myself? No condemnation, but what if there was more?

This is where it requires less work to sit back and ask for less freedom. To go back to Egypt. What we’ve always known. Just to ease the anxiety of not knowing. Just to have a sense of security. Even if they are bars in a prison cell.

What will you do? What if you can’t mess up so much because very little of what you think is this life matters once you are on the other side? Once this human experience is over? I’m reminded yet again that the only one who was corrected was the one who did nothing out of fear. The others planted seeds and were tangibly rewarded.

True story time again.

When I used to drive a taxi, I primarily spent my time transporting wheelchair-bound passengers using a special van. Most wheelchair-bound passengers were on government assistance of some sort and merely used the taxi to get to and from medical appointments. However there were a few that were financially independent enough to pay for the exorbitant price of a taxi ride to go out for leisure activities. Something as simple as going to a shopping center was quite a logistical ordeal for most of them.

So this one time I pick up a lady who is not only wheelchair-bound, but is also quadriplegic. That means all four of her limbs, her arms and her legs, are paralyzed. She only was able to move the parts of her body from her neck up.

It’s one thing to think about this theoretically, but to interact with these quadriplegic people in person just blew my mind. I can’t think of very many things in this life that are more difficult than living with quadriplegia. You are literally a prisoner of your own body. Technology has made amazing advances in helping quadriplegics. For instance, they have little mouthpieces they can use to drive their electric wheelchairs. Yet for almost everything, they are 100% completely dependent on the mercy of others to get through even the simplest of tasks. They cannot feed themselves, they cannot go to the bathroom by themselves, they cannot clothe themselves. I mean there are a lot of doubts about many people who are on government assistance, but quadriplegics do not fall into that category. They literally are unable to help themselves 99% of the time.

But you know what they do have control over? Their attitude and their mind. And believe me – I’ve seen both sides. I don’t want to spend too much time on it, but just for contrast, I’ll say that I’ve seen the dark side of what quadriplegia can do to a person. They are struggling for control of whatever they can control and sometimes that can look like holding people hostage in various ways in order to get their needs met. Or it can look like self-destructive behavior. One of the few times I almost called the cops on someone was when I picked up an older paralyzed man from a strip club and he urinated all over the back of my taxi and then didn’t want to pay the extra clean up fee. Or the times I had a younger paralyzed man who would take the taxi frequently to go out drinking at the club and then be cursing at his caregivers and demanding they pay for the taxi when he arrived back home. I’ve seen paralyzed women torture their caregivers by being viciously emotionally manipulative. I mean, try putting up boundaries with a quadriplegic. Not the easiest task, let me assure you from experience.

And I’m really not here to judge. Even the briefest consideration of their experience, of what it would be like in their shoes, just leaves me so scared and thankful I’m not in that position. I’m not saying their hurtful behaviors are ok. I’m just saying I can understand how easy it would be to go there in that situation.

But that being said, there were those few quadriplegics that I encountered that broke the mold. That rose above. That blew me away with their strength of character, mind, and heart. Some had full-time jobs that they went to. Others travelled. But my favorite was this woman who owned her own business! I picked her up from the shopping center one day and took her to her home in the more expensive part of town.

Now you might think she started her business before she became paralyzed? But no, she started her business after she was a full-blown quadriplegic! She used her mind and organized a service around what she knew best – caregiving! She created an employment agency for caregivers. She would recruit caregivers, interview them, and then find and send them out on caregiving jobs. How perfect, eh? She of all people knew what to look for in a caregiver.

Not only did she inspire me tremendously, but she also challenged me! I transported her at least twice and it was the last time that I spoke with her that she challenged me. I guess in her line of work, she was used to checking people out and evaluating their strengths and abilities. I don’t know how we got on the subject, but she called me out. She questioned why I was doing the taxi-driving when I had potential to do other jobs that paid much more and were safer.

I was at a loss for words when she challenged me. I mean she had true authority, no posturing. I didn’t feel shamed, but any excuse I had paled with the obstacles she had to overcome in her position. And she knew it. She kept pushing me as our time was coming to a close. It was an encouraging rebuke. She had full faith in me. I remember her parting words: “Push off the wall, Sarah! Push off the wall!”

I knew exactly what she meant. I was a swimmer for many years. The people who are scared in the pool cling to the wall, the side of the pool, the whole time. She was speaking my language. That’s what I was doing with my life.

She was challenging me to let go of the security of keeping myself in the relatively safe position of under-performing. Of not enduring the pain of failure to reach my full potential. Yes, any honest work is 100% honorable. But I was letting fear get the best of me. Whereas she had physical paralysis, I had mental analysis paralysis.

Not only was she a stranger speaking life to me, but her success in the face of so many challenges was so inspiring! Amazing to think that we could let fear imprison us more than a paraplegic would let their body imprison them.

“Push off the wall, Sarah! Push off the wall!”

It was shortly after that and at least two other angels in my taxi that also gave me the same challenge and spoke life to me, that I gathered the courage to start to not define myself by my failures. I gathered what little self-confidence I had left and started applying for jobs where my life wasn’t threatened on a daily basis. And what was the first job I was offered? Working as a technical support agent at The Scooter Store! Helping paralyzed people when their electric wheelchairs malfunctioned. Wow, eh?! Full circle! I’d like to think there was some Divine Intervention at work there.

What limits am I putting on myself today? I am Loved. It’s ok to try and fail. This isn’t about performing for the sake of performing. This is more about considering regrets. Will I respect myself tomorrow for the decisions I make today? Push off the wall. 😁

And this is also about speaking life to one another. You never know who needs you to see them today. When they’ve lost sight of the accurate picture of themselves. You never know where your seed of encouragement might land on someone who needs it today. Don’t underestimate whatever impact you can make. My paralyzed customer is proof of putting whatever gifts we have been given to work. Working with whatever we have. You are important, needed, and have a lot to offer!

Push off the wall. 😁

I’ve been in a funk for a long while. Trying to figure out why. Finally stopped numbing out for long enough today to look a little deeper and face some things. Realized my little never give up balloon was almost deflated.

Lots of deep disappointments this year. That’s the sanitized way to say it. Lots of questions. Lots of changes. Kinda knocked the wind out of my sails.

And yet the problem isn’t really the pains. I’m no stranger to heartache. The real issue is just like the verse says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”

I was thinking of Joseph. Having this dream. So sure it was from God. So excited to share with those closest to him. Just to be sacked and rejected. Hated. Betrayed.

But my boy, Joseph. He didn’t give up. He worked hard. He gave all. Everything. He worked his way to the top. Tried to honor and respect everyone. And some selfish woman took advantage of his kindness. With no mercy. And the people who should have known better turned their backs on him.

But my man, Joseph. He still doesn’t give up. He decides to make the best of it again. Works his way up through integrity and hard work. Caring for others. Again, his people leave him behind.

I wondered. How was Joseph feeling during those last days in prison? Did he question his sanity? Did he question God? Was he ready to throw in the towel on the dream he thought he was given? Was he trying to figure out what went wrong?

He was in prison. The farthest distance away from the promise he had been given. How many of us have been there? How crazy does it feel to hold onto a hope that looks ridiculously impossible?

But I just can’t give up on my God. The second half of that verse: “…but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” Joseph was promoted out of the pit to the palace in one day. He went from absolutely nothing to everything in one day.

Not all of us are going to be a Joseph. But maybe all of us will have Joseph-like dreams and Joseph-like experiences of our own.

I think of all the babies that I know that have been born to people who tried unsuccessfully for years to conceive. I think of the marriages that have been restored after appearing completely decimated. I think of all the beautiful amazing wonderful people God has let me cross paths with. I think of all the provision. All the blessings. All the protection. All the times when doors opened beyond my ability.

That doesn’t make the hurts any less painful. But it helps put another foot forward. And another. And another.

At the end of the day I find myself completely dependent on God. Finally giving up on my own strength. In fits and starts. More and more moments of resting in Him. When I stop numbing long enough to bring Him my anxieties.

He doesn’t ask me for anything. He just keeps reminding me of His goodness. 💞

“Tripped on my stepping stone; got up and kept on going…”

Prayer: I want to be content, but I don’t want to stop and settle for camping just outside the Promised Land. Please help me go all the way in. Thank You for Your love!

I was reading in Luke 18. First there is the story of the Pharisee and the publican. The Pharisee trusted in himself and what he had done. The publican did not; he pleaded for God’s mercy and was saved.

Then we have the story of the little children running to Jesus. Little children are receivers. They are not “good”. They have very little to offer. Jesus says to be like little children in order to enter heaven.

Then there is the story of a ruler who asked Jesus what he had to do in order to get to heaven. Jesus told him that only God is good and then reminded him of the law. The man said he kept the commandments. He was trying to justify himself.

So Jesus tells the ruler to sell everything he has, give to the poor, and follow Jesus in order to get treasure in heaven. Is Jesus’ point that the way to get into heaven is to give away all your money?

Or is His point rather to show the ruler his heart? Because the ruler thinks he is good and Jesus shows him where he isn’t good? That he’d rather have earthly pleasure than Jesus? W

We can’t extrapolate that we need to give up all our money in order to get into heaven. We are not able to get into heaven at all by anything that we do or don’t do.

The next story is about a blind beggar. Who, like the children, is seen as having nothing to offer.

He doesn’t ask Jesus to heal him based on what he has done or not done. He, like the publican, begs for mercy. Jesus heals him and tells him his faith has saved him. His faith in what? His faith in his faith? His faith in his works? Or his faith in Jesus and that Jesus could save him?

I am not justified by anything I do or don’t do. I will only ever be justified by Jesus’ righteousness. Which I cannot earn. Which I can have simply by believing that He is offering it to me.

So when Jesus is telling people how to get to heaven, is it not so much a formula as if he expects them to be able to do it, but rather so that they will come to the end of themselves and realize they are woefully inadequate, lost, and hopeless without His righteousness and mercy. So that they will then cry out for mercy and receive salvation not by any work but rather because Jesus offers it for free.

The laws drive us to The Cross or condemn us if we choose to justify ourselves. We reject Jesus when we try to justify ourselves by anything other than believing that He gives us the free gift of His righteousness.

Salvation is by grace alone versus any work of our doing. Salvation is not earned by giving away our money, keeping any law, loving enough, etc.

Romans 4: Now to him who works, the wages are not counted as grace but as debt.