What if I had the power to give you the choice between living two different lives before you were born?

One life would be a life of luxury. You would be guaranteed the safety and resources to make sure you could do whatever you wanted in the physical. And consume whatever you wanted in the physical. Throughout your whole life. You’d always be guaranteed comfort. But you wouldn’t be able to change the world. Or the world for anyone. That’s the one thing you wouldn’t be able to do.

Or you could pick another life. One where you would be guaranteed pain, suffering, sadness, betrayal, disappointment, a lack of physical resources, etc. On a daily basis. Forever. For all your time here. But I could guarantee that you would change people’s lives. You just wouldn’t be able to know who or how much until you reached the end of your time here. Until you passed to the other side. Your life would be supremely uncomfortable, but you would be guaranteed to make a difference. Even though you’d never be able to experience knowing that difference until you were done with your run here.

Would you do it?

Which would you choose?

This is why I am learning more and more that I can’t judge what is good and/or what is bad.

That was the whole point of Job: I don’t see the big picture. Only God sees the big picture. Only God knows how every little decision fits into the bigger picture.

I know what feels good. Or doesn’t. I know what I like. Or don’t like. But I’m not big enough to judge what is good. Or what is bad. Point blank. Period.

Even with the worst that I can imagine. Not at all condoning it. But we just don’t know how it fits into the big picture. All the unfathomable intricacies.

We don’t even know ourselves. We don’t know why we’re here.

We can make it more complicated than it has to be.

I echo similar as to what is recorded in 2 Chronicles: we don’t have a clue, God; please help us keep our eyes on You.

That’s my only hope. Well-placed, I believe. I am not despondent even as I am thoroughly exhausted in nearly every way.

This goes out specifically to Hexon J. Maldonado & Terri, Shira Knox, Lisa Stratton, Ron & Paula, Will & Natasha, Sam & Dawn, Mark & Misty, Julie Cook, Bethany Lachman, Rocio Rojas, many more at Calvary Chapel San Antonio, Dr. Rosenauer & Danell, many more people that I tried to love along my whole way, and many people in my biological family. So many others. And my departed friend, Dr. Jonathan Almirudis; RIP.

Maybe I was wrong.

I think I was wrong.

At least on some level. I probably didn’t have all my priorities right.

I came at you with so much hurt. Trying so hard to protect those I thought you were hurting.

Maybe even rightfully so?

But my point probably mostly defeated by doing almost some of the same that I had a problem with you doing. By pretty much beating you over the head to make my point. My good intentions drowned out by not great delivery?

What would Jesus do?

I know you want to celebrate Love just like me. I know you want to lead people to Love just like me.

I should have also at least lifted you up in prayer. Maybe even first. Who knows if I still would have said what I said after.

So I want to apologize for that. First.

And on that note, not just to you. But probably also everyone else. Especially those I no longer have peace with. Those I love but have certainly messed up with.

God forgive me, please. I don’t even deserve to ask for their forgiveness also. But here goes at least what I can do now.

What I should have probably done first was to thank You for them, God. For crossing my path with theirs at least for a time.

I know they want to celebrate Love, God. Just like I do. I know they love Love, just like I do.

Please don’t let our hurt lead us to hurt each other or anyone else. Please help us see each other as You see us. Please help us see Your heart for the other.

We need Love, Jesus. Individually and collectively. Across the whole world. We need Your supernatural healing, Jesus. We desperately need You to fix all that appears to be so wrong and out of place right now.

I pray for revival and restoration. Individually and collectively. With those we love and all across the world.

And I pray we can participate with You in that.

Thank You for this day, for Your Love, and for all those You gift to us. Please help us Love each other, Jesus.

💙✌️ Sarah

I heard a man call into a radio station and ask for prayer.

Oops, let me rephrase that. I heard one of Jesus’ little lambs call into a radio station and ask for prayer.

Err, sorry. Let me try one more time. I heard one of God’s kids call into a radio station and ask for prayer.

And then the preacher on the air, publicly told this kid to shut up. Publicly shamed this kid. Publicly told this kid not tell other people about Jesus. Until this kid could measure up.

Is that what Jesus would do? If one of Jesus’ kids asked for prayers, would Jesus tell that kid to shut up? Would Jesus tell that kid to stop telling others about how Jesus is their hope?

Is that how Jesus treated Peter when he failed? Did Jesus go all the way out to find Peter just to tell him to shut up? Did Jesus tell Peter to stop telling other kids about Jesus?

Why couldn’t you just pray for this kid, preacher?

Do you not trust Jesus to work everything else out?

You asked me for prayer at one time. I’m probably wrong for reaching out to tell you my thoughts on your behavior even now. That you didn’t ask for either.

Father, I love Ron and Paula. To this date, I haven’t found a community of people to celebrate You with that I would prefer to be with more. My heart grieves the separation between me and them. Daily.

But I have repeatedly tried and failed to fix the situation. So I ask for Your supernatural fixing, Jesus. On both sides.

Please give us first Your eyes and Your heart for each other. Please help us love each other as You Love us.

And Ron asked me before to pray that they would go out better than ever. Something to that effect. And I agree; I ask along with him that You would heal us all. And help us go out better than we started, Jesus. A lot better.

We know You are our only hope, Jesus. Ron, Paula, me, CCSA, San Antonio, Texas, USA, and the world. We all need more of You, Jesus. Desperately.

I pray for healing, revival, and restoration, Jesus. For all of us at every level. The kind of healing that only You can do, Jesus.

And I am confident in saying that Ron, Paula, and me would all like to participate with You in whatever You are doing, Jesus.

We love You and we thank You so much for Your Love, Jesus.

💙✌️ Sarah

She was the neighbor’s dog. They had her tied up and all the other dogs would come and mess with her. Get her pregnant. But she seemed to always get free eventually. And come over to where we lived next door. To the point where you asked them if we could have her. They said yes, thankfully.

I think she loved the home you and I, mostly you, created for her. But I think part of her still missed running the streets a little bit. So when we left her out back for too long, she seemed to always figure out a way to get thru your five hundred thousand fences and barriers you put in the way. But we never had to look too far. She’d always be roaming around on the block. Or even already back by the front. Waiting to come inside again. Always a good girl.

I have two favorite memories with her.

The first is when some stray cat was drinking water you poured for it. And Ginelli was the bigger animal, but she crouched down and was waiting for the cat to finish drinking before she drank. She even looked like she was in the position of begging the cat. She was such a strong dog, but she was so sweet. Deferring to the cat. That was her mama bear energy, I think.

The second and most favorite memory for me is when Ginelli and I were taking a walk alone one evening. And I was always trying to get her to go my way. I was trying to be the dominant one. I thought I had to be the pack leader. So when she was pulling, I was trying but mostly failing to get her to submit to me. I thought that’s what I needed to do.

But then we came around a corner. And she was pulling really hard. Much more than usual. I was kinda mad at her. And so I yanked her back towards me. But then out of nowhere, this insanely large dog forced its head out from under a chain-link fence we were walking by. It started growling and barking really aggressively out of nowhere. Scared me so much!!

Ginelli knew before I knew. That’s why she was pulling me so hard. She was trying to get me away from that dog. Before I even saw the dog or knew what it would do.

That’s the day I hung up whatever thoughts I had about trying to be the dominant pack leader just for the sake of having that control. That’s the day that I learned to respect animals. And see the pack as more of a cooperative experience.

Ginelli was trying to protect me. And that was her strength. Mama Bear energy all the way. So I trusted her to do that in the future. I deferred to her, and other animals that have the same senses, from then on out.

There are some situations where I need to assert myself. But I no longer am hung up on every little instance. And there’s probably a greater life lesson in that.

Just for some context. I am well aware that many might look down on me for sharing as I share. But I honestly am caring less and less about people who will reject me for doing this.

Number one because I think what I am sharing is important. Maybe not for everyone. Probably not even for most. But for people like me, being able to have someone to relate to is not only important, but life-saving.

For example, you might think, “Of course, dummy. Of course you should be open and talk to people in order to feel less lonely.” But that’s not common sense where I come from. And people like me need to hear someone else talk about this stuff.

I was born into a very restrictive religion. I remember when we moved to a new neighborhood in Kempner when I was in middle school. Kids came to the door wanting to introduce themselves and play with us. And I remember my mother telling me not to play with some kids because their parents were divorced.

Now, she probably wouldn’t say that these days. Because people grow and change. And ironically my parents divorced when we were living in that neighborhood. But it’s just an example of the operating system that I have to reprogram in my mind.

Up until less than five years ago, I was still in that religion. Albeit, gradually exiting over a few decades. It was a huge deal when I went to Calvary Chapel San Antonio and the people on the music team had tattoos. Coming from where I came from, that was super rebellious and treading the line of dancing with the devil.

But even CCSA was super about who was in and who was out. The language of talking about who are the “real” Christians is super prolific there. Not to mention the underlying competition to see who is more serious about Jesus.

So, no. It’s really not common sense to me that I can actually talk to people who are different than me. Without an agenda. Without needing to change them. Without needing to label them. Without needing to convert them into my new best friend or “the family”. [CRINGE!]

It really is huge for me to be able to just have a human moment with someone completely different than me. About something as benign as mac n cheese. Although some people’s love of mac n cheese borders on religious! 😄😉

And I know there are still so many people that are socially and emotionally paralyzed like I was. Even if they’ve walked away from the oppressive religion that I came out of. They still don’t know what to do next. They don’t have a new program to replace their old operating system.

And they are terrified. I mean the way these oppressive power systems grow and maintain so much loyalty is by inundating people in a constant shower of fear. Pointing out new “devils” at every turn. To make the people run to THEM to be “protected”.

So I see myself as the sheep that got away from the herd. And is looking back and saying, “Hey guys, look. There is nothing to be afraid of. It’s actually better out here.” That’s all. That’s all my writing is.

And to people like me, having someone come out of where we’ve come from is so incredibly important. Because you have to be able to speak my language. Another person even from a Presbyterian or the common Baptist background can’t reach people like me. Because they weren’t even as strict as I came out of. They weren’t as “serious” about Jesus or their theology.

And so what, we only give a little hope to a relatively small number of people? Only less than half that might actually act on it? So, what? “Is that worth sacrificing everything else, Sarah? Is that worth having so many other people look down on you, Sarah?”

For me, yes. Because the people who are going to look down on me for that are the same people who will never stop at finding something to look down on me for. There is no winning with those people.

They might not be in religion, but they are married to some other club. Be it money, social status, etc. And if I’m not good enough for them now then I’ll never be good enough for them ever.

And why would I want to be tolerated by them in that case? Different ideology, same story. Not religion, but still a cult of sorts.

And I’m completely done with that. Completely done with cults of any sort. I think it’s worth it to put myself out there as I am. And in doing so, repel the people who aren’t willing to likewise show up. (No matter how much I wish I could have the opportunity to love and be in relationship with them.) And then on the flip side attract like-minded people.

Because at the end of the day, I’m not a “bad” person. I’m actually a pretty good ass fucking person. I finally realize that. It’s people that shit on me constantly that got me all kinds of fucked up. But otherwise, I care A LOT. And I work my ass off to try to do the right thing and not hurt people.

Do I always get it right? No, of course not. Especially with all I am trying to claw my way out of. I learn by fumbling about and not getting it right much more often than I’d prefer. But I fucking show up and I fucking try my ass off. And in my experience, that’s way more than most people who have given up and given themselves over at least in part to the dark side.

And giving yourself over to the dark side doesn’t mean messing up. Giving yourself over means not owning your shit when you know you should. It means sacrificing someone to stay in your shit. Like when you have the ability to make something right for someone, but you won’t because you’d rather they suffer than you do the work. That’s fucked up. Maybe understandable on some level, but still fucked up.

And there are levels to this shit. We never stop healing. But I intend to do my best. So no, I’m not going to stop. And I’m not going to apologize. I’m not going to let all your shame that you want to dump on me keep me from doing a good thing. Keep me from bringing to the world what I think is very good to bring.

What would God say? Would God tell me to hide? Would God tell me to be ashamed? Would God tell me to stay small and shut up? Would God tell me that my future depends on doing whatever dance it takes so the “important” people will tolerate me? That that’s the only way?

No, I don’t think so. If you have a problem with me being open as I am, tell your God.

And hey, maybe you’re right. Maybe there is a lane for you that’s different than the lane for me. I’ll give you that. And have to deal with my disappointment if that’s what is best for all. If that’s where the fork in the road is with whoever.

But this is who I am. I like myself even as I have so much I want to change about myself. And I’m done apologizing for existing and sharing my human experience.

I’ve had this wallet for over fourteen years. Surprisingly bought it from Walmart way back when. Ironic to me that it is only now starting to break down and need to be replaced. Maybe I’m finally learning the lesson. Do you see the words on the front? “money doesn’t grow on”.

How did I get to this point?

For a big chunk of my early childhood, my biological father was in the military until I was in 8th or 9th grade. From what I hear, he struggled a bit to find a way before the military. And then some would say struggled a bit afterwards. He started some businesses and went to work several jobs, but last I heard he figured out how to get on disability before social security kicked in. I remember him telling me one time that he was going to die with as much debt as possible. So, yeah.

But I am thankful for the example he set in starting businesses. He showed me that it was possible to work for yourself.

But I think if he had sought out more like-minded people then his financial success would have been greater. I think if he had examples to look up to, he would have stuck with it and learned to grow. Because like many entrepreneurs, sometimes they are great idea people but at some point really need to bring others in to run and grow the business after they get it going.

But he married my mother. They were really oil and water in my opinion. My mother’s family were all wage earners for the most part. Complete opposite of my father. Where you get the most education: Bachelor’s, Master’s, and Ph.D.’s. Then you go work for one company, preferably the federal government or some other government-affiliated entity. Score your retirement. Then go on and do other work. And maybe go start some side businesses.

Super industrious people on my mother’s side. Very hard workers. But also very risk-averse. Which can be a good thing sometimes.

But I feel like a major shift happened in my generation. So although I heard all my life to go to college and get a government job, I think that stunted my growth a bit as it pertains to how much the world changed from the time that worked for my grandparents until my time.

I went into these companies expecting them to be invested in me. And appreciate me. I went into the office each time hoping this would be the one I could retire from.

But I learned the hard way. And I think that was really discouraging.

I am expendable. I am a line item on a balance sheet for most of these corporations. Unless you find a mom and pop with some rare level of care, you can be sure these big corporations are working full-time to figure out how to get as much production out of you for the least amount of money. And ideally how to replace you with technology.

Forget getting the retirements our grandparents have been vacationing in Florida with for the past three decades. Those days are gone for my generation.

On one hand I’m for capitalism and respect the game. It is what it is. But there’s something inherently unfair about executives not even paying their employees a living wage while they pilfer the profits for millions and millions of dollars a year in compensation. And then manipulate the market to inflate prices to take back the few measly dollars they doled out to their slaves.

Honestly, after keeping track of every single dollar I spend, my guilt over my financial state has been almost completely erased. Because I realized I almost NEVER spend any money on anything other than the absolute necessities for survival. I don’t even buy new clothes unless they are for work.

But otherwise, almost every single dollar I spend goes to one of three categories: a roof over my head, vehicle expenses so I can work, and food expenses so I can have the energy to work. That’s literally it.

And I can’t get ahead because wages are basically still at the prices they were when I was in high school. But the cost of living has nearly quadrupled since then. And that’s in my opinion a direct result of greedy executives and incompetent and/or greedy corrupt politicians.

What is the answer?

Well, I’ll give you what I think is the real answer first.

The only way I see out is to become stronger. To work smarter, not harder.

To either find some money and figure out how to invest it at a higher rate of return than inflation.

Or to find a need in the market and create a business to solve a problem. The good news being that there are SO MANY opportunities left open by greedy corporations in that respect. Honestly, in some ways things being bad as they are is the best time to start a business. Because if you can find a way to relieve people’s points of pain then when the word gets out, business will be booming. Just ask those in the pain med business – illegal or otherwise subsidized by the government.

Drugs destroyed the United States. No great surprise that they say the flood of fentanyl is from China. What a great way to disable your competition! Just keep them all so busy chasing dope that they are distracted and immobilized when it comes to maintaining their lead and continuing the race.

We got caught. But we’re still America in the sense that at least on paper we still have our freedoms. Which those of us born here frankly don’t appreciate enough. As much bad as we think is embedded here, people are STILL risking their lives every day all day to do whatever it takes to make it to this country. That should say something like: WAKE UP, AMERICANS!!! All is not lost, there is still opportunity to get back in the game!

But I think religion has been one of the biggest hinderances to that effect. And I didn’t fall victim to drugs, but I certainly got caught up in the church. I think that’s actually one of the biggest factors in why I am where I am financially.

I was thinking the other day that it’s incredibly convenient for preachers to push faith so hard. I mean you gotta push faith to make people give you their money every paycheck just in return for sitting and listening to you speak.

I mean I personally think it’s crazy to spend hundreds of dollars to go to Coachella or to a Beyonce or Taylor Swift concert. But then I just looked back in my old records to find that one year I gave over four thousand dollars to Joel Osteen and I wasn’t even going to his physical location. And then I think he even had the audacity to charge for copies of his talks if you wanted to even download them.

But it’s not just Joel. I roll through the most dilapidated parts of towns and guess what I see on almost every major street corner? A church building. All denominations, but mostly Protestant here in America. For all they rage about other faiths, at least in this country it is the Protestants I see pilfering the communities who are struggling the most. Big old buildings surrounded by communities mostly losing the battle of survival.

Is it any wonder than in the most affluent parts of town, it is the business people versus the preachers who are living the best?

How in good conscience can a preacher ask people for money to finance his lifestyle when the people’s houses and cars are literally falling apart, their families are barely able to eat, etc.?

Of course shame on Joel sitting up in his big house and taking a dollar from anyone whose standard of living is less than his. But shame more so on the great majority of lesser-known preachers who do this on maybe millions of street corners all over America every day. Because we should be smart enough to see someone like Joel and walk away. But it’s a bit more deceiving when it’s your own brother. You should be able to trust them to be looking out for you.

But how are preachers any different than the local hood drug dealers? The dope dealers live more extravagant lifestyles by ruining their communities. Sure, the poverty of the churched is more socially acceptable, but how are the hope dealers that much different? Each exploiting people’s pain.

Preachers do it differently; not so unlike the old travelling snake oil charlatans. Preachers tell people to finance their religious organization in exchange for some day God coughing up financial rewards if they prove themselves enough.

And the preacher always has some new excuse for why you gave the preacher a significant chunk of your time, labor, and the funds for your survival and God hasn’t returned the favor yet. How convenient.

And let me break it down for you: the preacher’s excuse is always that you aren’t doing enough. After you’ve done what they told you was necessary to manipulate God into solving your problems, and it hasn’t worked, the answer is always: do more, give more. Whether that be financially, physically, emotionally, etc.

At the end of the day, if you had just redirected all of that energy towards ACTUALLY making it in the real world of business, versus the lottery of giving your efforts to the preacher, then you would have LONG since been financially and otherwise successful. Your problems would have already long since been solved.

But then the preacher would have had to go out and get a job if he wasn’t so busy telling you to take from your family to give to his. Gasp! Or he’d have to go beyond preaching theory to people and actually do the great amount of effort it takes to make it in the cutthroat world of business. Rather than just standing at a podium and getting paid to pass judgement on everyone else without actually having to prove themselves in a real and fair competition.

There are probably a handful of preachers that actually have successful careers and businesses. But the majority I see are just talking heads. A lot of men who failed to make it in the market. But somehow each figured out how to manipulate people into providing for them by peddling a lot of false hope to those looking for Jesus and spiritual relief.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to express your thanks to someone who has blessed you. I’m talking about a whole culture of religious people who have been taught that the way to solve their financial problems is to give preachers a significant chunk of resources they really don’t have to spare in order to manipulate God into magically providing for you at some unknown time in the future. And if God hasn’t provided yet then that just means you need to give more.

That’s mainly why I am where I am. Because I had a lot of faith in God. I was so sure He Loved me. And if all I had to do was prove my devotion, then I was all for that.

And it wasn’t just giving the preacher my money, labor, and time. No, it was going the extra mile to show I wasn’t dependent on “worldly” things at all. Not even emotionally. I didn’t need friends or love. You could have it all. My opportunities for marriage and children. For some rest in my old age. For a Saturday night on a a beach somewhere just enjoying the ocean and a good margarita. No, that was selfish. Didn’t I care about people burning eternally in hell?!

Meanwhile I’m no damn good to anyone because I don’t even have enough for myself. Oh, I can preach you to death, though. Following right in their footsteps without even realizing it.

The biggest surprise to me was that God wasn’t going to bail me out. For good reasons that I could go on and on about another time. But let me save you the trouble I’ve been through: God will allow you to get as far down as it takes for you to wake up. And for me, that took almost losing everything. Sleeping my car, not even having enough money for food.

I finally told God I didn’t have enough faith when I didn’t even have enough money to buy gas in order to go work. That was my bottom. That’s when I woke up. Because I didn’t think it was anyone else’s responsibility to provide for me when I clearly had the ability to work. And that was the next step: asking someone to support a grown ass adult. No, I didn’t think that was right at all. That couldn’t be Jesus. That’s when I woke up.

I’ve experienced miracles before. Of people providing for me without even knowing my need. Without me even asking. That was Jesus.

But me getting so far down that I have to ask people for money or help. When I have the ability to work. No, maybe you can but I cannot see that as Jesus. I’m a grown adult. I think we inherently feel a deep level of shame that is correctly associated with not providing for ourselves when we know we could have if we had put in more effort.

I think God Loves me so much that He let me get that bad. Because that’s what it took to get all that stinking religious thinking out of me. So that I could live a better life in the long run. So that I would feel more empowered, more confident when I realized the world was completely open to me in accordance with how much effort I wanted to spend to get what I want.

And actually the news is even better. To know that God is on my side is a competitive advantage. Not that God isn’t on the side of my competitors also. But if they count Him out of the equation then I can’t help but win. Because I have the best consultant available to help me succeed when I go to God for direction in business. Tons of ideas come to me that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. Because God is for ALL of us!

You want to know the grace of God?! I have basically had no housing expenses this year because God helped me cross paths with someone who told me about how to do housesitting professionally. So while I was working all this other religious shit out, God had my back before I even knew I was going to need it so bad. So while I am struggling to understand how money and work factor into my faith, God gave me a safe and very comfortable place to land and work from. Other people’s beautiful homes even though I don’t have my own. Now, THAT’S God! That’s mercy.

But people don’t want God. Not the god preached by the hypocritical preachers. For good reason. So they walk away, but there is still a huge organic void where the real God should be. So they look to politicians or businessmen or celebrities or even their own families – biological, spiritual, and otherwise – to fill that space. And that’s exactly why we are where we are. Locally, nationally, and globally. We are looking for everyone else to solve our problems.

That’s why God let me get here. To help me see my value and my worth. To help me find my confidence and strength. When the preachers expressly discouraged me from doing so.

Guess what I found out?! When the preachers told me my only hope was God, God told me that my real hope is myself. In that every single human being on this planet is valuable. Every single human being on this planet is needed. Every single human being on this planet has something of value to contribute to the rest of the planet. And that’s how things are going to get better. If every single person values themselves. If they realize that what they individually bring to the table is what is going to save us.

I think people like Elon Musk have either through desperation or the more unlikely situation – encouragement from others – discovered their strength and power. And what we need right now is a world of Elon Musks. A world of people to wake up and stop waiting on God to bail us out. We need a world of people to realize their potential is more than to sit in front of a screen and cry enough to get someone else to dish them out enough crumbs so that they aren’t in absolute distress.

What would the world look like if everyone showed up? What would the world look like if the kid who can’t sit still in Sunday school class was given free reign carte blanche to go explore his strengths without any shame?

What if the chief end of man is not sitting around singing hymns and paying preachers to remind us that some day God might drop a few dimes; but until then keep sitting and waiting, reminding other people to sit and wait also?

What if God gave us these brains and muscles to USE! These hearts and bodies to LOVE! In real time with real results! With REAL benefits and rewards. With real compensation.

How could it be wrong for people who love the REAL Jesus to be running the world financially? How could that be detrimental?

Somehow God doesn’t stop people with no regard for others to make it financially. Somehow they are able to figure it out. So, why not you?

This glorification of poverty is bullshit and I am completely over it. There is nothing spiritual about it for the sake of.

You’ve been lied to. I’ve been lied to. And we get to decide when we’re done with this song and dance. With this dog and pony show of religion.

I haven’t lost Jesus at all. Much the opposite. But I finally found myself. Created to do and be so much more than I was ever told before.

We need each other. And I want you to also wake up to how much more you are than you ever knew!! That’s how things are going to get better. That’s the only way.

Or you can keep paying your preacher to live comfortably as he tells you to keep looking up at the sky hoping to see some magical deliverance descend from the clouds one bright morning.

I had another interesting development this week. After years and years of wrestling with the issue, I literally had to write myself a note today that basically said, “A job is just a job. Just a way to make money.”

Because for so many years, maybe most of my life, I was taught to basically go into “the world” and convert people to Jesus. We couldn’t just go to work and do our job for the sake of. No, there was always an ulterior motive to everything. Every single interaction was basically a cloaked or even obvious manipulation to convert people.

When I say my entire life revolved around that one thing, it is not an exaggeration. Every mundane thing you can think of was a “witness” to someone. Let’s lean towards levity by only half joking: in my previous life, farting in a public restroom might turn someone off to hearing “the gospel”. So you better squeeze those butt cheeks tight. Lol!

It was exhausting.

And yet, it was the purpose of my life since as long as I can remember because I was born into it. So just take a moment to think how devastating and HUGE it was to have all that stripped away from me! Welcomed initially and still on the deepest levels. But as it pertains to my daily life, just a constant, constant stripping away of who I thought I was. And almost every single action in my life has been changed accordingly. For the better to be sure. But oh so painful. Like will there be anything left of me after all the religion is removed?

Picture if your world revolved around your family. You saw them almost every day. For your whole life. And then overnight someone tells you that it was all an illusion. Those people weren’t real and you’ll never see them again. And you’ll never do the things you used to do ever again. You are being taken to a different planet and you’re going to live there until you die. That’s what it’s like when you lose your religion. It’s that devastating. Yeah, you get to go to a new planet now. But everything that comes along with that just feels like getting beaten up for quite awhile.

Initially it feels great. But we’re going on five years now and it has primarily felt like loss, after loss, after loss, after loss for the majority of the time since. That’s why I write about it. Processing so much. But also leaving behind a trail for others if they find themselves surprised like I was about all the changes and all the wrestling that results from what you initially thought was just an intellectual theological shift. When in reality it changed every little thing in your life.

There’s this really difficult time where you can’t go back to religion but you don’t fit in anywhere else. You feel lost and very alone in this in between space. Because one thing religion does very well compared to most other options is build community. Unfortunately based around fear. Which is why I can’t go back there. Because I am finally free and no amount of community is worth putting myself through that hell of fear-based survival again. But it’s extremely difficult to create a new life after leaving religion. Frankly it feels so overwhelming and impossible sometimes that multiple times these past years I have just wished my life could be over already.

I now have even more compassion for immigrants and refugees. Leaving everything you’ve ever known and starting over from scratch in a place where you don’t know anything or anyone. Where you have no support network and no resources. There are not many things that I can think of that are more difficult than that. It takes immense internal fortitude to wake up each day and not give up hope when the future is so unknown and a million things could go wrong. You have to force yourself to power through more often than not. You have to fight for your life. Nobody is going to give it to you. You have to want it so much.

And so here I am. A religious refugee. A religious immigrant. Fighting everything. Creating a completely new life than the one I was given. And it is extremely daunting.

But then I have these moments, these milestones. Where it will hit me out of nowhere that I am actually making progress. That I’m actually getting somewhere. That I’m actually creating something out of all the nothingness that seems to be left behind. And I’ll start to feel a few moments of solidified satisfaction. I’ll have something tangible to be proud of.

And this week that accomplishment is finally getting to the place where I can be a “regular” person who can see a job as just being a job. Just a way to earn money. Versus a “field for winning ‘lost’ souls”.

Mind-blowing.

And maybe even more importantly, I can want to do the job just for the sake of the work itself. Because I want to do the work.

Versus the horrific mindset that was so ingrained in me for so long: “signs” and “God’s will”. I have given up on that shit. And I believe I have God’s great blessing in that regard. Because, hello, I am not God. And I honestly think God wants me to stop trying to figure Trinity out. And instead figure myself out. Figure out what I WANT. Versus stopping every five seconds to check with God to make sure it’s okay if I breathe or take a shit. Extreme way of saying it, but not so far off from how I was conditioned to operate before.

And I think God allowed me to go there so many times specifically so I would wear myself out as quickly as possible. In order to get over that shit. In order to surrender. And I am definitely there now. After decades. Finally starting to think for myself.

It feels like there should be a version of the Boy Scout badges when you leave religion. 😁 That you wish you could wear around every day to show people how far you’ve come, how much progress you’ve made. Like:

-I went to the store today and bought some food because I wanted it. Versus because I thought God wanted it for me.

-I fought all my suicidal feelings from the immense fears about deciding to go to college for something other than “lost souls”. I signed up to be in something like real estate which to the former religious folks is not touted as being spiritual enough.

-I fought my fears of being cursed and watched a movie with cuss words and sexual content.

-I enjoyed a movie with cuss words and sexual content. 😆 Because there is a difference between watching and enjoying. You learn this as you progress down this journey.

-I fought all my fears and guilt and did something other than going to church on Sunday. And I enjoyed it.

-I listened to music other than worship or Christian music. And I enjoyed it. And it didn’t trigger a compulsive guilt-fueled “cleansing” afterward.

-I didn’t read the Bible today. Or last week. Or last month. And I’m still okay. And I still believe God Loves me.

There are so many things. So many “badges” I could list out that are milestones on this journey. It’s really incredible when I focus on thinking about it. To the outsider, it might not look like I’ve done much. But internally it is absolutely amazing all that I have overcome.

And I still have a long way to go. But I am really proud of myself. This has been such a difficult journey. But I finally feel like I am becoming a human. A regular normal person. And that is one of the most underrated things. Coming from where I have been.