There is a lot of talk recently about goy and goyim. I’d like to share my thoughts.

How can a person hurt a child? Well, one of many reasons is if that person devalues the child. Sees the child as “less than”. Sees that child as just a body. Specifically that they will not have to answer to Love as to why they harmed that child. For all their intellectualism, common sense right out the window.

I primarily blame religion. I think they bastardized the point of the story the original people were given.

I think the original story was supposed to be: Hey, humans are prone to fear. In that fear they often lose sight of how things truly are. But all is never lost. Yet in respecting the agency of all involved, this healing is going to take a very long time. So Love has chosen, with the consideration of the lack of technology in many centuries, to carry the story of what’s really going on with everyone through a certain people group. It’s not that this people group is better than anyone else. In fact, judgement begins in the house of The Lord. That’s why we shouldn’t so rushed to think we are the best to tell everyone else what to do. But the story of what’s really going on will be worked out in this group publicly first. They are the ones selected to keep the story of what’s really going on and keep passing it down to the next generations. Not because they are in any way inherently better than anyone or everyone else. Just to keep things more simple.

That’s it.

But I think fear and pain, manifesting as power grabs, polluted that original message. To the point where we now get weirdos scalping DNA. As if there is some magic in the blood. Which makes zero sense to me from, of all things, a scientific perspective. Isn’t mixed blood the safest from what many would consider diseases caused by genetics that are too similar?

Not to mention, isn’t adoption a concept that is important to God? Hasn’t this been talked about in all the texts you espouse to consider so sacred?

Or are you really just about the impotent gods of money, power, and sex?

Anyway, I digress.

I think the original story has been understandably corrupted throughout the ages. In times more than others. But today I think there are people who instead of just seeing the point as Love publicly working out the healing in one people group who have been tasked with safe guarding the correct interpretations, now they see it as a few things that aren’t actually going on.

Number one: that there are different races. I don’t know who started that. Maybe it is also mostly perpetuated over times by those stooping low in trying to gain a false sense of safety through division and separation. Instead of doing what it takes to compete honestly and fairly. And to have the courage to make things right. But either way let me be clear: I think there is only one race – the human race.

There are different types of outward characteristics of dogs. But a dog is a dog. Just because it is a poodle versus a pit bull doesn’t mean they are different like an elephant is different from a monkey. Again, common sense.

Same with humans. We are not different species. You can split hairs if you want to, but that’s exactly why you are so lost in the weeds. If you choose to stay there. Sorry to break it to you, but there is no such thing as a “white person” or a “black person”. There are just humans with different characteristics.

Now, culturally there is an infinite number of variations. And to the uninformed or the willfully ignorant, correlation can be confused for causation. But cultural characteristics are not, in the plain sense, biological.

And to be sure, the cultural differences are extremely different and divisive. That’s obvious.

I don’t even have a problem with people wanting to group themselves with others who have the same values and shared experiences. That’s completely understandable. But let’s call it what it is: not biology. Just preferences.

And you can have certain preferences for certain biological differences. But we’re more alike than we are different.

I think you’re missing out if your theology demands, in a world Created with limitless variety, that Love prefers us all to end up as literal carbon copies of some austere, sanitized, so-called standard. That might bring you a fantasy you can run to when you feel left out, but it’s just not true.

I understand. When you are pushed down you need some kind of hope. That things will eventually work out in spite of everything happening now. But it just isn’t true that Real Love prefers one child over another. That’s not the answer. Fundamental laws of truth exist. And that isn’t one.

Your theology is based on punishment. On good and bad. And in that, you are dying. Through your denying. Specifically of the other.

My theology is based on judgement, yes. But as defined as setting things right. Healing. Versus annihilation.

We are STUCK with each other.
And STUCK with ourselves.

And God doesn’t do abandonment. In my understanding. Never will.

So safety through destroying anything, much less children, is not only 100% backwards. But damn, also a long way to go. To get to where we will all eventually be.

The forty years of wandering in the desert. That’s what those stories are really about. To help us remember we will NOT achieve “Nirvana” in our delusions. You’re kicked out of “Eden” for your protection. So you won’t settle for sick thinking. When there is so much more, so much better. FOR you. Not as an option. But Trinity insists!

There is a Promised Land waiting for you even NOW to freely experience. But it has NOTHING, literally the exact opposite, to do with leaving people out based on biology. Or even theology.

There is no superiority in a certain skin color, hair color, or eye color. There is no superiority especially, in any theological sense, in any DNA. To think otherwise is really inbred. How many times do you have to see that play out before we can finally move on and leave anything about that behind? Quit wasting time. Quit wasting your literal life. That can’t be what this human experience is about.

People travel to get away from themselves. Something that is not at all them. It makes sense. Don’t overthink it.

I’m disgusted with your behavior, but I’m not scared of your little secret clubs and seances. As if God isn’t well-able to immediately humble you. Goliaths are nothing in the grand scheme of things. Redeemable, sure. But nothing inherent in them to fear.

I think those identifying as Christians have specifically been lied to. Manipulated. And needlessly intimidated. This is why I see religious leaders abandon the values they at least verbally ascribe to in order to align themselves with those they incorrectly think get some special pass from God.

The story is so simple: Love enJoys every Created child. Love WILL win. Love only Lives in freedom. And so healing will happen. But damn, do you really want to choose the long and hard way? When you could come around much sooner to accepting your invitation at the table of True celebration?

We all get to choose. As long as it takes.

There is no future where a physical war solves anything. Death happens. So does abuse. But none of that is the answer. These things are plain to your soul, your spirit.

Anger at what has been done to you and others? Absolutely. All day. Every day.

Protections? Boundaries? Same. 100%. Especially from me. You have my total support in that. As I now say: God tells me “no” all the time.

But thinking the answer is to casually eat up even the rich is just more of the same mess that got us here in the first place. Unfortunately. It would be so much easier in our minds if that was the answer sometimes, no?

There is no real goy. No real goyim. Unless you consider those who act as if it is possible to dehumanize any other – much less a child. But even then… scour the house. For the last little chametz.

For every misunderstanding will be corrected. Not because God cares about theology for the sake of intellectual masturbation. But because you really matter. Your freedom is the point. Whatever the delusion.

Christian or Jew. Anyone else.

Romans 11 folks. Written by one who was quite zealous. Addressing this superiority issue.

Ask Love for the lens to read it correctly. And how to see everything else. Now and in times past.

I guarantee the message is nothing to be afraid of. Either way.

Neither DNA. Nor nations. Or any secret clubs.

All are eventually subject to unending Love. Good news.

The only thing you’re racing to the front of the line for is your “spanking”. And that’s a threat you can certainly count on whether preacher or priest.

• YouTube: SarahNyhan

I used to believe in “the one”. I used to think the Disney and Hallmark version of life that was sold to me since I was born. Or the Christian version with Boaz. That there is only one person out there for me. And somehow I gotta find and figure out who it is or else I am missing out. 

That shit haunted me for years. And I do mean tortured me. 

I’d spend year after year agonizing over whether I was settling. A person who was never taught or encouraged to go for what I really wanted. Raised to only be of service to others. After years of therapy to get stabilized, I didn’t want to sell myself short by doing all that work just to retraumatize myself by settling for the wrong person.

You wanna know what cleared up for me? How I got free?

There were a whole gang of years awhile ago when I wanted to be with, to varying degrees, especially four different people at the same time. Not all together. But I couldn’t choose if I was given the choice between them all. I liked different things about each one.

I didn’t want to lose any of them. I just wanted them in different ways. 

And then there were still others on the peripheral besides the main four. I couldn’t choose at all. 

None of them were perfect enough of a match to be “the one”. But clearly all of them were important enough that I didn’t want to lose anyone. 

I was lamenting to God about this yet again for the two hundred millionth time. When I finally asked the right question. 
Not, “Who is the one?” 
But, “Why can’t I have them all?”

That’s when I heard back in my spirit, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”

What?!?! 

I was the LAST person who would think God would co-sign anything but “the one”. Not only did I believe that narrative for my whole forty-plus years that I was alive, but I had even pushed it on everyone else. 

And NOW I hear God telling me I don’t have to choose?! That of course love is love between consenting adults. Of course one person can’t be everything – that doesn’t even make sense. Of course people change. Of course people grow. Of course you want the most Love in your Life. Of course you don’t want to cut any great humans out.

Of course you don’t have to suspend your God-given intellect. When you finally let yourself get out of your religious mind.

Immediately after I felt Spirit say, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”, these words labeled as verses from Matthew 22 came into my mind:

“they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven”

There are at least as many interpretations as there are people in the world. But to me in that moment everything made sense and was cleared up. Gender and marriage are Earth concepts. Meant for here. For a purpose. Not some law that needs to be worshipped. 

In other words God is totally cool. And marriage isn’t the purpose I thought it was. 

It isn’t your salvation. If anything Love is an act of service. Over and over. Versus some lottery you win and receive. 

When you partner yourself with someone, a lot of people see it as “Yay! Now I have someone who will always take care of me.” Which is why the divorce rate is so high. When real life happens. When all your Disney dreams get completely crushed. 

You didn’t really mean it when YOU said in sickness or in health. When YOU said for better or for worse. 

You were happy they said it about you. But you didn’t really fully mean it when it came to them. You weren’t really in it for the long haul. Your love had limits. You were keeping score. 

And would I EVER tell someone to stay in an abusive relationship? You should know me by now. 

Or would I EVER tell someone to stay in a relationship where they have good reasons to be unhappy? Well, that one’s a lot more complicated. But number one I’m not qualified. Certain things are priorities for me that aren’t for you. And vice versa. 

But in general I just mean Love isn’t cute flirting, silliness, and games. Love is wiping your chosen one’s butt when they are incapacitated. I’ve done that. That’s when the rubber meets the road. When nobody sees. When you don’t get a medal. When you choose the other person back day after day without expecting anything in return. Because you are for them even if when they aren’t for you or even for themselves. 

But Love doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. A parent is able to stomach a toddler’s tantrum because there’s nothing being taken. The parent has all the power. 

Same as God. Jesus went to The Cross because He had all the power to stomach our tantrum. Our fantastically horrid tantrum. 

But if you don’t have it to give without it being an issue then it’s not something for you to stomach or to gift. If it’s being taken from you versus you fully wanting to cheerfully give it then I’d say take a pause to really think through what’s going on. 

People sometimes apologize to me after I’ve given them space to confess really raw emotions they’ve been holding back from everyone else. I always assure them that they never have to apologize about that to me. I am built for it. The complete opposite of being taken from – usually I am energized by seeing the relief people experience when they are able to unload so much that has been crushing them. I am happy for them. And I view being a part of that as some of the greatest honors. 

That’s an example, I guess based off of how people so regularly apologize to me, of something difficult for other people to handle that I am built for. And am so happy to give. So it’s not abuse at all for me to stand with people in those spaces. 

Love, real Love, is like that. When it’s Love. When it’s not abuse. When you have it to give. And you genuinely want to be in that space. 

Take those who genuinely protect and serve. Who put on body armor and stand ready to take a bullet or worse. I don’t have that to give. It would be abuse of myself to stand in that way. I’m not at all built for that. Whereas others look forward to the opportunity. That’s the difference I am trying to highlight here.

It’s interesting that I saw someone from Switzerland say that the mentality there is that peace only comes through the capacity to annihilate if attacked. That they see it as their duty to be able to fully protect themselves. That’s how I feel now about real Love. I only have the capacity to Love you as much as I have the capacity to cut you off if you turn on me. 

It’s only Love if both you and I agree that I can and should tell you to fuck off if you start fucking with me. And vice versa. 

Love doesn’t mean you are signing up for or expected to endure abuse. Or even mistreatment. That I’m supposed to submit just because you have a dick. Or another thing to try to hang over my head and force down my throat. So I’ll shut up and put out in whatever way that you insist this time. No, that’s some bullshit. 

Which brings me back to “the one”. I now only believe that there is the one, or ones, for now. That people come into our lives for reasons and seasons. Some longer than others. And it’s right and it works for as long as it’s right and it works. 

But when the relationship has run its course then it’s time to move on. And the longer you try to hold onto a feeling that has clearly passed, the longer you hurt yourself and maybe others by not letting go. 

If I had to write how I now think a true Love story actually goes, it would look more like:
-Two people meet and enjoy the energy between them.
-They spend more time together because they both want to.
-But people are always growing as they head towards the healing of fully coming into themselves. So the person you met back then may not be the person standing before you today.
-Therefore you get to decide if the path they are taking is also the path you want your life to go down. Without expecting anything in return from them for your choice. And if it is, then great.
-But if it isn’t then you gotta thank them for their presence while y’all were sharing the same heart space. And instead of trying to change them, do the mature work of seeing things as they are, then giving them your blessing, and let them go. Let yourself go. For their sake but probably more for your own.
-And then work on recentering yourself in alignment with Source and who you now are.
-Which will then make you available to fully enjoy again when another crosses your path that you want to spend time with.

It’s that simple. 

That story doesn’t require me to stress about whether I’ve found the elusive “one”. That story isn’t stacked with impossible demands and expectations.

That story leaves room for everyone to have their emotions, and maybe more importantly their freedom. Without things getting crazy. Without years of resentment brewing. 

That also gives me the room to Love more than one person at a time. Have more than one important person in my life at a time. Without things getting disrespectful. It’s just: what do you want? And does it align with what I want? That’s it. Simple. 

I talked to a lady one time who was cheating on her husband. I think getting away with “murder” was more the thrill than the actual man. But I digress. The point I was trying to make to her was that she will never know if her husband would be cool with whatever she is doing if she never has that discussion with him. What if he doesn’t want to leave her either but also wants to entertain others on the side? What if that was cool with both of them? You never know until you ask.

I used to think all this stuff was so binary. So black and white. It surprised the hell out of me that God, I now believe, exists much more on a spectrum of experiences. And designed us the same way.

I don’t think your husband is straight or gay. I think he has proclivities to an extent in both ways. Whether it’s hardly at all to full on embracing whatever there is to experience and experiment. 

I believe if you would be honest then there is a range for you also. Along with most people. The complete this or that being reserved for a very small minority. 

God telling me we don’t understand. And God telling me we’re really like the angels in heaven. Who don’t marry. Meant God is not really concerned so much with gender as the religious zealots make Trinity out to be. 

And then also the same with marriage. Or even children. Which freed me up from a lot of grief since I didn’t get to yet experience either one. Turns out, for me now, that marriage and children CAN BE a beautiful thing. But are commonly quite heavy. I now see them as sometimes blessed by God. But more often a test we demand. To prove we got what it takes. That we’ll prove to God that we can earn what Trinity has already told us is ours for free. 

In short, marriage and children will prove to you that even if you understood what real Love is, you don’t have what it takes. 

Which leads to distress and depression for however long you insist on shouldering the whole world. 

Or leads to the relief of surrender when you finally agree with God about Who They are. And how much more They want for you. 

Not that marriage can’t be a beautiful thing. Or children. The more the merrier if you can afford them – and not just financially. 

But that marriage and children for most of us is a  form of God’s higher spiritual education when we insist on it. A Ph.D in “you don’t have to take on everything”. Until we learn we gotta let God be God.

Some need a spouse and children to learn that. Some of us learn it in other ways. 

Having a body next to you in bed means nothing on paper. Means nothing on the surface. Someone’s heart can be completely for you without the State recognizing a legal union. Without you even needing to label it. 

Anyway, the worst form of loneliness is knowing you are alone in a crowded room. Just because they are with you doesn’t mean they are for you. 

And the fastest way to end a relationship is to try to substitute that person for God. To treat that person as Source, as your everything. When only God can shoulder that weight. 

Ideal relationships are two people coming together with 100%. Already filled up. With excess to share. 

Versus how I used to be: completely decimated. Seeking someone, other than God or myself, to take care of me. 

Yeah, if they got it to give and they want to. But usually not. How many people do you ever see that truly got it together like that?

I had to meet myself before I could ever lose another person I wanted in my life due to me not realizing I had the power, permission, responsibility, and ability to show up for me. The same as I wanted everyone else to.

In my perfect world back then, there would be someone strong I could lean on to for example at least validate the boundaries I was interested in setting. But no, real life and God demanded that I validate myself. 

The point isn’t to create an army of emotionless behaviorally on-point robots. The point is go outside and see, especially in a cared-for cultivated space, how God’s Creativity is exploding out of every inch of this human experience. So why would we then expect that same God to suddenly be austere with us? His prized Creation that Jesus went so far to die for. 

With that alone you’ll never convince me that the point is to suffer. That God just wants us all to be silent, sanitized, sterilized of all our desires, and unthinking robots whose best to god is blind submission and obedience. To that I say: hell and fuck no.

I don’t want to have sex with everyone. I am way too hung up on hygiene and germs to even want everyone around me. Much less up in me. That’s not the point. 

Even as I believe it’s fine for others if it is. Maybe it’s not too late to miss your “calling” as an escort or a porn star. So be it. Go kill it, kid. Lol. Neither here nor there for me. Even and especially spiritually as long as everyone is consenting adults and on the same page. 

But sex hasn’t even always been the most wonderful form of intimacy for me. There are many more precious moments of intimacy that I miss more that had very little to do with being inside another person physically. To get terribly technical about the whole deal.

Just to say I feel free now not to ever limit myself unless I want to, unless that’s a choice I want to make. Versus someone pressuring or expecting it. Especially for any kind of fickle social approval. Church, work, or community wise.

I am free to do whatever I want. And whoever I want. As much as I want. As little as I want. 

I am free to be with a woman. With a man. Even with a trans. 

I am free to marry. Or not. Neither define my value or lack there of. 

Same with having or not having kids. 

I am 100% for marriage when it’s a good match. I’m 100% for divorce when the relationship has seen it’s full course. 

I am 100% for those who want to stay single. Or those that want to enjoy mingling for the rest of their lives. Or until they’re ready for a break. 

I’m 100% for people who want kids when they can afford them financially and have a healthy and supportive community to raise them in. I’m 100% for those that don’t have kids either by choice or not. Having children doesn’t automatically make you a saint. It’s a great responsibility I don’t think many are cut out for. Even though most have the ability to step up if they cared enough. 

I just am no longer placing my worth and value on whether someone is pursuing me. Sure, that can be nice. But if I make it more than something fun and flattering then it’ll get too much in my head. And then God will send me to some ass-whooping so I don’t get spiritually sick. 

Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Real Love can be over the top with affection and desire. But there’s a fine line between that being something extra in your whole life. Versus making it a main thing. Something you enjoy. Versus something you put your whole existence on hold for until you get. 

Look, I’m the one foolish enough to talk about this shit. So don’t listen to me. Do whatever it is that God is walking you through. 

I’m just sharing for anyone this resonates with. So they don’t think they’re crazy. Or the only ones.

And I am now ready to share more time with people I enjoy. Without the religious shit getting in the way. Without needing someone to save me. Without needing to save anyone else. Trusting myself to say no when I don’t feel good anymore. Not making everything more of a big deal than it is. 

Just humans enjoying connection when it feels right. When it feels healthy. When it feels fun and good. 

Not needing to label it anything more than that. 

And certainly not drag it into the church or State to have all the Life and Love drained out.

Which leads me to wonder… what if all this talk of waiting on “One” Savior is equally also off base? What if there isn’t just one Savior? What if there’s more to that also? What if all this time we’ve been waiting on a miracle outside when all we ever needed was already here within? What if that’s why Jesus doesn’t magically deliver us? Because He wants us to see that we can deliver ourselves? That it’s important not only for ourselves, but also to Trinity and also for all of Creation, that we give ourselves that permission. That we realize our power. And not just always stand expecting someone else to step in. That God created us for more than that. That we can trust ourselves. And what we want.

You want the Truth. I do too. But the Truth isn’t in calling people out.

They actually love that shit. They can’t get good-enough attention. So they revel in messing anyone else up so much as to take up any space in another’s mind. You give them glee when you address them publicly.

No, that isn’t the Truth. That’s getting caught up in the trap.

Enough people already know what’s up. The others don’t want to see. Even if you showed them to their faces, they’d still make excuses.

Sad. Sad is what it all is. As much as it is maddening.

I don’t fall for the rhetoric. The talk of all these Goliaths.

It’s not that these terrible things happening doesn’t matter. Of course people being hurt matters.

But what’s the bigger picture?
What’s the bigger point?

If it’s us versus them then we’re caught up again. Just on a different side. Or a different level.

That can’t be it. That can’t be the story.

As much as I wish it was. Because that would be so simple. So cut and dry. Just swing the axe and cut ’em all off at the knees.

But Who do we REALLY worship?

I’m not saying have no boundaries. Boundaries are so important. As is discipline. It’s not Loving to enable someone’s demise. On either side.

But what is the language we’re using?
And more importantly, our hearts?

For healing? Of ALL?

As if we really are one body?
The head being Christ.
As we suppose.
As we claim we preach?

I find it very interesting that Jesus said the only sign we get is Jonah. Jonah of all people.

Jonah whose people were also decimated.
And then what does God ask Jonah to do?

That’s us. If you need an us.

I wonder if God sent Jonah on that mission BEFORE Jonah’s people were restored. IF they EVER were restored.

I thought of John the Baptist this week. How did his life end?

John cried out to Christ.
No deliverance came.

I bet those disciples who were martyred also cried out in Jesus’ name.
Just like we do.
But they weren’t delivered here either.

Jesus showed up for some.
He raised some from the dead.
But those He kept closest took some pretty brutal falls.

What does it all mean?

This is that stumbling block: Christ crucified.

Versus Christ in a three-piece suit speaking to a sold-out crowd and social media. Collecting donations to buy a big ol’ mansion, a Land Rover, and trips to the Maldives on private jets.

Would Jesus tell Epstein that He Loves him? Of course. And frankly it pains me to say that. But it’s true. Hitler, also.

Without a change in behavior. Without paying for what they’ve done. As in restoring to those they stole so horrendously from.

Of course I’d rather not say that.

Even more difficult when it’s those that tore through and ran over me.

And you.

And so many others day after day.
Flagrantly.
Without much reserve at all. Seemingly never losing sleep or skipping a beat. Not an eyelash batted as they launch artillery after artillery our ways.

Is that all? For ever?
Does this story ever end?
In a way we can look forward to? Genuinely. Without abandoning our God-given intellect.

All I hear in my spirit is: God tells me no all the time. And judgement begins in the house of the Lord.

For those of us who insist, despite His warning, that we have something to preach to others. Of course we’re going to be first. We prayed for this. “Refine me, Lord.” And then there is heat and fire.

Oh, my bad – you expected the Americanized version of some spiritual spa vacation? That’s not your Messiah, honey. That’s not the type of sheep we’re working with here.

Did you forget the whip across His back? The thorns shoved into His head? The nails slammed into His palms? The rough and terribly heavy Cross He had to carry up an incline while being jeered at, mocked, spit upon, and probably whipped and beaten the whole way?

Did you forget how His whole body was suspended naked in the air for all to shame? His feet pierced by how big of a spike? Have you ever had someone stick a spear in your side to see if you were still alive?

This is no pink and rose-gold supper club where we take group pics with coordinated journals, sisters. Which Jesus did you actually sign up for?

The Jesus that challenged you to also pick up your cross? Is that the Jesus you really want?

I have to ask myself these things.

And yet, where is the line between enabling abuse and ending up with your head on some rich sick bitch’s plate? To be laughed at. As if this Jesus couldn’t have knocked them all out with a hint of a breath.

I now hate when people try to assuage all my fears by categorically saying Jesus will save me. Where is your evidence for that? Be honest. There’s a lot of proof otherwise. A lot of people die every day without being redeemed or rescued here on this earth.

Again, I ask You Jesus, what joy was before You? Because I believe You, but I don’t see it.

And I need SOMETHING to make sense these days. I need SOMETHING real to hold onto.

I guess the answer is and always will be The Cross. That we have NOTHING to be afraid of when it comes to You. And that is enough even if I don’t understand anything else. You clearly Love(d) me. Just in that.

So how many more crosses am I going to ask You to jump on before I Live as if You really are I AM?

How many more times am I going to ask You to prove Yourself to me? To us?

When maybe what we really need is to prove ourselves to each other. Stop waiting for divine intervention when there is so much we could be endlessly busy with in the interim.

Now Love in action might actually be worth associating with Jesus’ name. Even if we start with just Loving ourselves.

Be sure that I’m the last person, now, to approve of abuse in the name of Jesus. That to me is sacrilege. That to me is anti-Christ. Absolutely blasphemy of the worst kind. To associate abuse with Jesus who Loves the little children – without being a perv about it. (Or else I pray there is no God. Yes, of course that serious.)

I go back again to: God tells me no all the time.

So it isn’t Loving to give people permission to run all over us. To create little monsters, little demons by gloryifyng cowardness.

But where is the line between that and then getting our heads chopped off because we thought the point was calling people out over even legitimate things?

The point isn’t who is in and who is out. That can’t be it.

I still think the point is healing. But we’re already 5,000 years in at least probably. And still I see so many that behave as if they are worse than feral. Is God really that long-suffering?

I’m scared if our fate is just to have our spirits recycled here until we get it. Until we learn the lesson.

Not just for ourselves. But for the whole planet. Until every last little bit is back to the Garden of Eden. By our own hands. Sans the “miracles” we’re always waiting for.

What if we fast-forward a few thousand MORE generations. And almost all of us have been restored by then. If actual healing is the point and plan.

But there’s that one last soul. Say even Satan to make the point.

And ALL of humanity hears about that one last spirit who just hasn’t turned the corner yet.

But we all get it. And instead of rushing to chop them out of all the equations, instead we have learned and all rush in like doctors when an emergency code gets thrown. We all rush in with healing.

Not the kind of symptom-suppressants that pass for the lowest standard of care in order to raid the taxpayers’ coffers. But REAL care. Actual healing.

Would even the worst be able to resist the whole world coming to Love them back to that kind of wholeness?

I’m not talking victims locked in the horribly destructive false guilt of trauma bonds. Although whose to say a truly healed victim might not have the most to say?

But just bring it back to the basics. What if someone, for example, was a serial killer. And instead of the whole world doing what they do now, in some super-future there is a healed majority that rushes in like doctors to a baby going code blue. Even for a serial killer. And we throw them on a stretcher and run them m through all the available modalities until there is healing. Without end, Amen.

What would a world like that look like?

What if THAT is the joy set before Jesus?

That not only do the prodigals never get abandoned, but maybe their self-righteous brothers need them to keep fucking up until we decide we’re completely tired of being on this same damn hamster wheel?

Would I ever blame us for people being abused? No, it can’t work that way. Or else this is all very sick.

The only way I can stomach a God who allows all this is to think maybe what’s on the other side pales in comparison.

Or maybe in some horrible nightmare none of this is thankfully even really happening. That’s a hope. Not so much a simulation. But us being so deep in a nightmare that all THIS actually isn’t happening in a physically real way on the cosmic scale.

Not to invalidate anyone’s pain. Obviously. Just to try to make sense of somehow a God “allowing” all of this pain to go down day after day, eon after eon. It would be a great grace if this all was just an experienced illusion of some sort. Our minds existing here while at least our spirits are able to travel back and forth from here to wherever is on the other side.

But what keeps me awake at night is that we very-well may only get one time here. One chance to make the most of it. And then what do we have to show for ourselves? “Yeah, God – I spent a lot of years just watching commercials on television.”

What if saving everyone is all up to us? For everything. From ourselves, to the greedy CEO, to the last little squirrel in the forest. And then even every leaf. Every living cell in the whole Earth. And even the Cosmos.

Because God has given us more agency than we’ve ever been told. So this Life actually could be better if we’d all just get on board.

But how many will have to continue to suffer before we collectively decide we’ve had enough?

What if we’re never getting off this ride until we decide to approach this ALL as a body to be put back together rather than repeatedly torn apart?

It scares me. To think that I am you. And you are me. So whatever I wish for you is exactly what I am wishing for myself.

But what if that’s reality? What if none of us gets out of this until we all come to that conclusion? Terrifying.

It makes sense to me. In a dreadful way. Would God co-sign a person who engages in self-harm? If your theology requires you to take every last word of a collection of religious texts literally then maybe you’re part of holding us all back. But me, I see things quite simply: the common sense you so diligently resist. That God never lets me off the hook in terms of giving up on myself.

So why would I think Trinity would co-sign on any of us giving up on each other?

I don’t think the point is some pie-in-the-sky get-out-of-jail-free card. I don’t think we’re that “lucky”. I think Trinity has way much more respect for us and all of Creation than that. Unfortunately – if you’re hell-bent on resisting that.

Look at Moses. God let him wander around and around and around. As many laps as it took. He supposedly saw God face to face. And HE didn’t get off the hook. He still didn’t get to enter his rest because he was so stuck on misrepresenting God to His kids.

That’s what stops me dead in my tracks. The “sign” of Moses. That if we’re sending any other message than God Loves even those that hurt us – then here we go for how many more rounds around the desert? Insisting until our bodies give out on this side? Just to have to come back and do it all over again?!?! Like nothing. What if the heat is turned up even more the next time? Whose betting on those chances when it comes to God? The majority apparently.

But again, Spirit doesn’t talk to me about them. Spirit is patient with however long I want to take. In getting to the point.

Being honest – that’s a requirement. Healing doesn’t happen through performative acting. This isn’t like those employment personality tests. Where you get the job just because you know the right answers. Again, a very American approach to The Creator of everything Living, and not, as far as the eye can see or imagine.

All this and my words are naught. Bible babble as my biological father likes to throw in my face. Maybe so. But I guess you gotta start somewhere.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth. I’d rather do it on this side. Than spend my whole time here just to… on the other side. Or worse: all over again back here.

House always wins. I don’t believe in a literal fiery hell. But I believe there is a lot worse fate to be considered. In terms of suffering. When the whole world delays debridement until the wound is so infected that everything is put on hold just to bring us all back to something that looks like REAL Life.

Which side will we choose? Leaning in? Or drawing it out as long as possible?

All my words are foolishness when I have so much action to catch up on.

I was cutting off the wrong one.

I loved you too much. So much that all these years I’d rather have killed myself than be without you.

Maybe I’m finally tired of that shit. Maybe it’s time for me to LIVE!!! As more than just a shadow of you. 

I tried to make myself so damn small for you that I all but disappeared. All that was left was a ghostly empty shell of my presence. 

Seething inside. With all the emotions you’d rather die than deal with. 

It’s not on me if you don’t try. If you don’t do the work. If you continue hiding behind all that bullshit. 

I’m done needing your validation. I’m done needing you to be okay with me. I’m done trying to drag your dead bodies along with me everywhere I go. Just because it’s that damn hard for me to let you all go.

This whole time I refused to die. So this should be no surprise. Just a long time coming. 

Yeah, fuck giving up on me. That was the wrong choice. 

Unfortunately I see now that I gotta give up on you. 

Back, bitches. 

Deal with it. Or not. 

Almost got me. 

But I finally see. 

Ironic that I’d never gotten this far if you hadn’t kept pushing relentlessly.  Now my turn to press the pedal down to the floor. Except not for you anymore. This time just for me.

First of all, for all the people who can’t handle my emotions, I am not suicidal. I have no desire or plan to kill myself.

But, I give up. I have given up. 

This is my notice to God that I need a better life. I now put the responsibility out of my hands and directly into God’s hands. Going forward I am now putting the blame on God if my life and this world does not get any better in my lifetime.

Back in 2017 I had a job I liked. In the field I wanted to be in. It was almost perfect. But then the company went out of business. It was the nail in the coffin on the rest of my life falling apart.

My response? I blamed myself. Primarily: maybe if I just had more faith. Or maybe if I just worked harder.

The last eight years I have been on a non-stop hamster wheel. A few thousand rounds around the desert, if you will. Cycling between trying to work harder and trying to have more faith. 

For what? My life is worse than when I started. Every path a dead end.

So I give up. And I now blame God. 

I am no longer taking responsibility for shit. I am no longer trying to save everyone. Even myself.

It’s no big deal for God to provide what little I’m asking for.

I felt guilty back then. In 2017. After my employer went out of business. Because that whole year before I had been asking God for the time and money to take off for a whole year and write a specific book. 

When my employer went out of business, I took that as I gotta prove myself to God. That I had enough faith to write without the money. 

Well, fuck that. I no longer have faith in my faith. Yeah, God could do it. Easily. I no longer think it depends on me.

If anything, I think God might have been holding off this whole time specifically so that I would give up. And stop trying to shoulder the whole damn world. Or even just myself. 

The “good news” can’t be that only the strong survive. The “good news” can’t be that only those with enough faith in their own strength and abilities are going to make it.

That was the whole point. Jesus goes after the one little sheep that can’t keep up. 

I’m finally done with this hustle culture, bro. I’m done listening to podcasts. I’m done reading books. I’m done disciplining myself. I’m done trying harder. I’m done suppressing my thoughts and emotions just to appear like I’m coifed and unbothered. 

Like my shit don’t stink just as much as y’alls does too. 

I’m done with being invested in this nothing-ass life if God isn’t going to show up and make it any better. 

I’m not asking for anything too difficult for God. I’m asking for the basics.

I’m done trying to lose weight. I’m done stressing over trying to get my career fixed. I’m done trying to fix my relationships. All of ’em: friends, family, church, community. 

I’m done trying to convince anyone anymore that I think God is better than we’ve been sold/told. God can handle that mighty fine all on Their own.

I’m done trying to prove myself to anyone. I’m not a horrible person. And fuck anyone who thinks so. Sure, I fuck up – but not near the amount of other people y’all tolerate. And fuck y’all for trying to make me feel bad about myself. 

I’m not losing weight for noone anymore. Perfectly fine if y’all want someone different. God bless y’all in that. But again, I know I’m not a shitty person. And fuck anyone for looking down on me just because I’m fat. When I have a whole lot more to offer than some superficial bullshit. I’m fat because I don’t have any safety in this fucked up society. That’s number one. Start there first.

Fuck y’all for thinking I can’t do shit just because I don’t have the money to pay for higher education. I’m able and have proven I’m competent enough. I’m not taking another goddamn personality test to do an entry-level job. I’d love to go back to school and get as much as I can. But I don’t have tens of thousands of dollars for that. Or the time to focus. And I’m tired of being in debt. If I can fucking teach myself Python then I can very goddamnwell figure out a fucking Excel formula. If these folks would get their heads out their asses and give me a chance. But so be it if not. Perfectly fine whatever their perogative. Again, God is well-able to give me the job I want and need.

Fuck social media. The Internet is dead. AI content was the nail in the coffin. Noone wants that shit. We’re farther apart than ever. I’m done participating. Or contributing. They killed radio first. Then television. And now the Internet. Never fucking learn. So damn short-sighted. Cut off their noses to spite their faces.

Same for every other company out there being so fucking evil. In seeing the people suffer. And doing nothing about it. Other than to squeeze every last drop of blood out of anyone still sticking around. Fuck that shit. I blame God if it doesn’t get better or fixed. I’m no longer delusional or taking on the responsibility to fix that. When the oppressors basically have unlimited ammunition. I give up on that.

Just to name a few.

When there is SO much more. 

I’m not even interested in writing anymore. Not until my bullshit-ass life gets fixed. I don’t have any happiness anymore to share. I see no more hope unless God steps in.

And God could. That’s not a big ask. 

The only faith I have left is maybe God was waiting on us to get to this point. So we didn’t think striving was the solution. And continue wielding around that tone-deaf miserable advice to even one more that is hurting. 

I’m guilty. I used to tell everyone “never give up”. With no qualifications. 

Yeah, fuck all that.

God met me where I needed healing. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Over and over. Until I finally now surrender. Years later.

I am so sorry. My apologies to everyone for my complete ignorance. I meant well. But yeah, I just hadn’t exhausted my youthful ignorant “strength” yet.

Now I have.

Took me damn long enough. 

Now it’s all on You, God. 

I need a better Life. 
I need better Love.
I need so much more.

Including a bigger and better God than the one I was selling y’all before. 

Cause this is some horrendous bullshit we’re in. 

And I need A LOT more than I was previously settling for. From others. From myself. And even from God.

Until then, just giving up on anything more than food in my mouth and a warm, dry place with a shower to sleep every night. 

Everything else can go to hell. 
Until God chooses to fix all this shit.

Mark my words. This is all I have left to say until that time.

Here’s a song from my heart.

The bone cold winters you rolled over us,
We look and we look for your carcass,
But even though you kill everyone else,
For some reason you never die.
And all you left us was keep asking God, “Why?”

I no longer care for talk of Love,
Even if they say it exists above.

I’ll never have peace until you are dead,
Yet they say I’m the one sick in the head.

Because I think it’s important kids don’t get hurt,
Their faces pushed down,
They hearts stomped around,
Their souls black and blue…

Meanwhile you…

Get off scott free,
Feast after feast.
Full to the slimy fat gills.
Of yourself and everyone else.

And we…
Hungry.
Homeless.
Hopeless.

Where are You, Big King Jesus?

No more hustle over here.
No more positive self-talk.

Where are You, this supposed God I’m supposed to believe in?

For what?

Some pie in the sky on the other side?
Someday?

That’s what all these years are for? 
Just to fly away after being completely used up by those that don’t give any damns?

I’m not a good person. 
I’m tired of laying down…
My whole damn life.

When is it our turn?
When will it EVER be our turn?
Goddamn it!

It’s not just the Internet that’s dead.

I don’t know what joy was before You, Messiah.
But I don’t see the point at all from this perspective.

It’s been 2,000 years at least, right?
For this?!
Just for this?!

At what point do we just call it?

When will You show up, God?
Will you ever be there for Your children?
More than just watching us suffer from afar?
Day after day.

Us who keep turning the cheek over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, in YOUR name. For this?!

For this?!

Oh, great – we work our whole lives just to end up exactly like them? That’s the point? 

Yay, horrible stuff leaves people completely fucked up. We really needed to know that so bad? Before anything else? Or forever? I don’t get it.

Is there nothing else to look forward to? 
Without more children dying?

I don’t want victory. 
I want peace.
I want happiness.
I want real hope.

Not just endless stupid dreams. That make me a complete damn fool to everyone else time and time again. In Your name, mind You, King Jesus.

That’s what’s so goddamn important? Cutting me down to size until there’s nothing left? While they keep bulldozing over everyone so unfortunate to meet them? That’s what’s so goddamn important?

I don’t get it anymore.
I’m tired of theories and theology.
I’m tired of psychology. 
I’m tired of philosophy.

I need some action.
A goddamn miracle. 
Or 5,000.

How’s that for Truth and honesty?