Sarah Nyhan

I grew up in the days when all we had access to was the encyclopedia and other books and magazines at the library. 

I think because I grew up in a restricted high-control environment, I was fascinated by information when I finally got a hold of it.

I had even been home-schooled as a child, so when I finally made it to public school, I was just amazed at all this information that was available in a library that was not locked down religiously. 

I don’t know I got started, but when I was in high school at Belton High School, I would just walk myself into the administration offices after I quickly ate my food during lunch. And I would walk right through all the principals and other administrative staff offices, out the other side, and to the library. And just read books the rest of the lunch period.

As a kid during the summers in Belton, I would go to the university library and just read books and magazines. 

I was not that girl who would skip school to do “bad” things. I was the one who would skip school just to watch television at home – when we finally got one with access to even basic channels. Like what kid skips school to watch educational programs on PBS? 😄

I was addicted to information. Especially having not grown up with much exposure to “the world”.

The great part is that I have been endlessly curious about everything and everyone. Which has opened so many doors for me and given me so many great experiences.

But the downside is I think I lost the last thirty years of my life to collecting information more than actually living. 

Maybe the drive to collect information comes from feeling unsafe. So you think if you can just prepare enough then you can avoid pain. Well, that hasn’t worked yet.

I finally realize there is no safety on Earth. Not in a person. Not in a place. Not in a source of income. Nothing. No one.

There is only strength. 

And I can tell you for sure that strength doesn’t fully manifest only from gathering information. At some point the pilot has to get into the plane and fly. Everything up to that point is just theory.

When your world falls apart, especially after you’ve spent decades trying to gather all the right information, you’re forced to face Life on Life’s terms. Beyond all the theory. And that shit is hella real. Everything hurts. Non-stop.

No more an armchair quarterback telling everyone else how to live their lives while riding on your high horse. Nope. Now you actually Live this shit for real.

And then ironically you don’t have the energy to correct anyone. Cause one thing you learn is that you have very little influence over anyone – especially with those words you used to be so attached to. No, people are on their own journeys in their own timelines.

And my time is best spent actually Living my own Life. Versus being hyper-focused on what anyone, much less everyone is doing and saying. 

Once you’re left with only yourself, then you gotta make peace with everything. In order to find real sanity. 

And that’s not easy. 

The worst part is having to choose between good things. In this society that says you can have everything. No – you can’t. At least not easily. Everything has a price. In some way.

Including what seems like the good thing of gathering information. 

I have been off FB and IG for a long while now. Which removed me from reading a lot of what other people were thinking and saying and doing. 

It was lonely, but now having jumped back on, I feel that compulsion again to keep doom-scrolling. And I don’t like how I feel when doing that. When taking everything in. It doesn’t leave me feeling better. Even though I am supposedly back in the mix. Supposedly not missing out.

I have to find a balance. Because I have learned so much. In some ways my Life has completely changed for the better after ingesting some information I found online. But I don’t want to get lost in the addiction to information again.

I already know enough to get started. To get out of the damn bed. To get ahead by actual action. Not just endless planning. 

There’s some credit to being first to market. 

What have you actually DONE over the past thirty years? What do you actually DO on a daily basis? 

What do I actually have to show for myself besides a mind full of knowledge? 

A bigger ass? Less money? A fucked up life? Fucked up relationships?

It starts with me. I gotta literally get out of my own head. 

I don’t ask myself what I would do anymore. That’s not good enough. Obviously. 

Now I ask myself what I would tell someone else to do. That’s how I can see simply. And not make every decision so damn complicated. The answers are embarrassingly easy. Should not have taken me this long to get started, basically.

Now I say that I have to have blinders on. On and off the Internet. I have to know who I am. I have to have a basic-ass plan for my life. To get out of the shit first. And then build towards what I want.

An actual plan. Not just some bullshit ideas. But steps you actually hold yourself accountable to.

And it is too much. If you’re like me then every single thing needs work and needs to change. That shit can kill you if you dwell on it too long. 

So, don’t dwell on it too long. Just start with the most urgent thing. 

I don’t let myself off the hook, but I have to give myself grace or I won’t survive looking at how bad things have been and are. Especially how much work it’s going to take me to get where I want to be. 

I am a recovering perfectionist is how I look at it now. So my “therapy” is not to wait until I know “everything”. My goal each day is to just do at least one thing better than the day before. Stack actual wins. Versus theoretical navel-gazing and intellectual masturbation.

It’s your life. Do whatever you want. But I refuse to get to the end and realize I just sat around watching everyone else live. Fuck that.

You know what builds actual confidence, actual self-esteem: doing the work. Busting your ass and seeing real results. 

Then you don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. They can have all the opinions they want but it’s all just noise.

That’s what I am telling myself every day now. Dozens of times a day: who am I and what is my job? Just focus on that. Blinders on to all the other distractions competing for my energy and attention.

My job is, number one, to take care of myself. Because I spent my whole life up until now trying to make sure everyone else was good. And COMPLETELY lost myself and ran my life into the ground in the process.

So, for example, reading about someone else’s political opinions has zero to do with my job of taking care of myself. So I have to put blinders on and not engage. Not even read or listen.

There is no inherent value judgement. I’m not looking down on them. Reading political opinions just isn’t my number one job right now. So I have to be an adult and have self-control. Turn it off or look away. Get back to my work. When distractions like that come asking me to go off-course.

I can’t even entertain others at this point because of all the work I have to do. I mean read the room, people. I have a lot of work to do especially financially. You don’t even know. Or maybe you do. But I’m not waiting for things to get worse before I start getting to work on planning for the worst. As much as I can. Like who really has time like that these days to afford, in every way, extracurricular activities? You really got it like that? Or you just are riding on a hope and a prayer?

No judgement. Do you. But I’m too tired to keep on with the bullshit. And that’s all we’re inundated with and sick of these days: endless bullshit. 

It ain’t gonna change until we get serious about doing the work. You do you, but I’m tired of making excuses. 

So no, we can’t spend time together. Until I get mine like I damn well already should have done decades ago.

It’s embarrassing as shit when people half my age got what I want. Again, grace for myself because I probably didn’t have the exact cards they did. But how much longer, how many more decades, am I gonna sit around crying about what I can’t change? 

Either shit or get off the pot. Either do the work or shut up. That’s what I tell myself now.

There are real complaints. But are we gonna do something about it all? Or just keep crying while other people figure out how to win?

Blinders. 

Even this. Even my writing. I don’t know why this is my thing. I could spend another fifteen years sitting around trying to figure it all out before I let myself put anything more out. Or I could just roll with it. Like this.

And in that though, my job is just to write. I finally figured out my job is to stop trying to manage everyone’s perceptions of me and my writing. Doing so robs me of precious time and energy to be doing what I need to do.

God told me to quit worrying about what people think. How people feel about me. Just do me. Just live my life. Just take care of myself. Just do my writing. And let people have a problem with it. With me even. It’s really not my business. 

Do I care? Of course I care. That’s the trap. It’s so easy to choose because it comes from a good place. 

But reality is I only have so much every day upon waking up. And I gotta use what I have for other things. Versus spending all day ultimately failing in managing what people are going to think of me.

And on that note: blinders on and back to work.