Sarah Nyhan

I wish I could have gone to “church” on Easter Sunday. I get sad seeing everyone gathering and wishing I could be in community again.

It is my choice. I am stronger now than I was back when it all started. I think I could go back now. Just for the community. Just for the ability to celebrate God and not get looked at like a weirdo.

But these days I’m not religious enough for the religious people. While being seen as too religious for the non-religious folks.

I used to be so dogmatic. To the point that I’d even look down on other so-called “evangelical” and/or “protestant” “christian” communities. Because they didn’t 100% agree with everything I believed.

I cringe at that now.

Like of course this is a conversation. And anyone is welcome to participate. All are included.

You weren’t born knowing much. So of course you’re gonna have to work through some stuff. Seeing as those we were given to are understandably very human and working through their stuff also.

So I am not really hung up on theology. As weird as that is for me to hear myself say.

Because talking about God is clearly one of my favorite things. And my relationship with God is my everything. Is the bedrock of my existence. Is my compass for Life.

But I guess I am so secure now in who God is that I no longer have to police anyone else’s spiritual journey. I trust God to change their minds in due time.

I just write here for mainly myself. Because I need the receipts to see how far I’ve come. And so I won’t forget what I have been through. Because that’s important to me. To my identity when so much has changed. And I get weary of the process and how long it seems to be taking.

I am much more humble than I used to be.

People from my old world would say I am not “guarding my mind”. That I’ve let the “devil sneak in” and corrupt me.

And to that I say, well think whatever you want to think. It really doesn’t matter to me. Because one thing I know for sure: Life will catch up to you and humble you eventually. You can either take the hard way or the easier way.

Being humble enough to consider I might not know everything is working for me. I am still very insistent on what I believe – FOR MYSELF. But have been humbled enough to know not to worship ideology anymore. Not to worship even theology. As much as the constant definition of what God means to me is literally everything in my Life. I don’t feel “called” to force that on others anymore.

So I think I could go to almost any gathering of spiritual seekers now. Be they religious or not. I think there is probably something to learn from everyone. While I still believe community is the most significant point of gathering in general. And through that naturally comes clarification of values – super helpful for a society, in my opinion.

But one of the reasons I haven’t gone back specifically to my former religious community is that I definitely don’t feel welcome there. To the point that I fear for my physical safety based on the comments made by at least one on staff.

Also, in recent years the preacher and his wife have not responded to my communications. And I frankly deserve that. On some level. So I understand. They said no to me a hundred million times and I didn’t back off.

Ironic though that I learned that ignoring of consent by being in those communities. They constantly preach forcing Jesus and their religion onto people. So it was natural to me. To just keep harping on until we saw things the same way.

I cringe now when I think of all the ways I honestly didn’t respect people when they didn’t want to keep talking with me. Even if it was the best news ever. Even if I had nothing but good intentions.

I didn’t trust God to put us on the same page. Ever. Or when the timing was right – if it will ever be right again.

Sad as it may be, there are real consequences even if all you meant was well. Like, these people should know my heart.

But I have been like a bull in a china shop, so to speak. Relationally. Just fucking bulldozing over people’s boundaries in every way but physically.

And I hate that. I am embarrassed by that. I feel immense regret about that.

The worst part is I finally realize even reaching out to tell them I am sorry is breaking the boundaries they have communicated.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of calling everything autistic, but my dumb ass surely didn’t get it unless people told me directly. And in this culture, most people don’t communicate directly.

It’s been a very, very painful process for me to stop taking people at face value and instead pay attention to their actions.

I’ve had males and females say things about being a father or mother figure to me. But if they don’t act like a healthy parent then I am allowed to choose to disregard their words and respond accordingly.

At my old church, all the females would call each other “sis” all the time. I never did that. Because those words meant a lot more to me than they do to most people.

It took me a long, long time to stop holding people to the expectations I thought were inherent in the words they used. Like if someone calls me family, I have standards for that shit. Same if you tell me you love me. You can’t just call me “sis” one day and then ignore me the next. Or not try to at least work things out.

Granted, that’s my values. But all to say, I used to hold everyone accountable to that shit. When they clearly didn’t intend to sign up for all I thought they meant. Took me so long to figure that out.

But I also challenged people too much in the interim. To the point that many want nothing to do with me now.

If I had it to do all over again, I would basically ignore what people say for the most part. And just pay attention to how they treat me. And then I would shut up and remove myself if they start coming at me sideways. Not even with any judgement. Cause I get it: people got shit to work through. And that’s really none of my business.

Being bitter and resentful is a boundary problem. Fuck me over once: that’s on you. Fuck me over twice: that’s on me.

And I had no boundaries before. Almost zero. The only thing I cared about was kids not getting hurt. But other than that I had absolutely no idea that I even power to protect my peace.

I was raised in an environment where no one respected me. I wasn’t taught to be my own person. I was 100% groomed for service and servitude to others. It went against everything I was taught to validate myself and not be dependent on others.

And that’s where theology saved me. Once I got my mind straightened out about God. That Trinity was not some egomaniac monster in the sky, then I could say no to others.

Once I realized God Loves everyone – no exceptions – then I can completely let go when people start fucking with me and/or fucking up. It’s not my job anymore, and never was, to convince anyone of anything.

My only job is to take care of me. And take care of anyone I bring into this world. I truly believe that now.

All to say I fucked up too much with my old church community. There ain’t no fixing that shit without God’s intervention. And there’s no guarantee God will change their minds in this Lifetime. I have to be okay with that. I trust if that never happens for me then reunification with them was not for my or their best.

And not just my former church community. Everyone else also. I fucked up majorly with my exes. And many people I called friends.

I went from being a judgemental condemning zealot. To doing a 180° change. And then expecting everyone to just act like everything was cool. Like all the hurtful things I did and/or said before should just be quickly moved on from because I saw I was wrong and I was sorry and I wanted to do better.

That’s not how Life works, bro. Very unfortunately. Trust me.

In my excitement about the changes I’ve been through, I also didn’t respect them and their boundaries. I was way too exuberant. They said no and I just couldn’t understand it.

Mainly I thought once I changed for the better then I deserved what and who I wanted. Cause that’s how our society is setup in specifically school and work. You change, you get the benefits for the change.

But relationships don’t work like that. Sometimes people are done with you. Sometimes they’re completely done with your shit. Sometimes you’ve fucked up too many times. Or too much.

No matter if you meant well or not.

Now I understand consent. Clearly that was never communicated to me in my family or churches. And several scandalous folks who took advantage of my naivety.

But now I get it. When people say no then that means no. In all ways. Not just physically.

And I pay the price if I don’t respect that.

The good part being even if I lost others through my shit actions towards them, at least I finally found myself. Super high price to pay. But I am thankful I finally know I can also say no to people. That I deserve that as a basic human right.

Now, there are also times though when Life is just so short that I risk reaching out again. I’m okay with that. When I keep it to a minimum. Because despite all I’ve been through in Life, for some reason I am endlessly optimistic about certain things. Like as long ss God is Real then I feel like there is nothing too broken. That there is always hope.

And the absolute worst thing for me is to die without trying. To have the chance that the other person feels the same way but I just let fear rob us of years together.

So I hope they’ll forgive me for trying again every once in awhile. As much as I now respect if they don’t want to engage anymore.

Again, comes down to whether God sees it as best for us to be in each other’s Lives. I truly believe that now.

But with especially older people I no longer am holding myself responsible for doing all the emotional labor. That shit was killing me. Once I could identify how it related to my childhood.

So to keep my hard-fought sanity, I am no longer parenting people who are older than me. No. Absolutely not. Get it together with Jesus.

I spent too many years doing that. Completely lost myself in the process. And royally fucked up my boundaries. Not doing it anymore.

Just because we were all fucked up by generations before us doesn’t mean I want to perpetuate that shit. I feel much better about myself now that I let myself be my age as it pertains to older people.

I am so sorry nobody did the work for you, but I am not the one. Talk to God or a therapist, but I can’t reparent people decades older than me anymore.

So many more thoughts on all of this. Just touching the topics now. But will have to save the rest for other days. Real Life is calling – which is way more important than my endless thoughts.