Sarah Nyhan

My name means Princess. My first name. But my middle and my last name mean Warrior. Both of them. A third Princess. And two-thirds Warrior.

I hope the two-thirds Warrior is coming to an end soon. I feel like all I’ve done my whole life is fight to stay alive. To survive. I feel like I have nothing left. That the best of me is all used up.

Please help me, God. I don’t want to go out like this. I mean, I’m sure being with You on the other side doesn’t compare at all to this. But You know me, You know I don’t like to leave things undone. I don’t like to leave like this.

I hope and pray You will show off in the time I have left here. For me and through me for others. That they’ll see and believe You. That I can be a part of that.

Nothing is too difficult for You. Nothing is impossible for You. I believe You are the same God that they tell us about in the stories. You could pull another Red Sea walkthrough today if You wanted to. Another virgin birth even. Whatever You want to do, You can do.

I say this for those that might read and listen another day. Because You know that I know, finally know, that I don’t have to cajole You. I don’t have to convince You.

Maybe the man who asked You to spare the people. Was that Jacob? Maybe he was doing the same thing – asking for the sake of others.

I know I can’t manipulate You. And You know my heart. I want J back. I want everyone back. If it’s for the best. As their best, preferably.

And I just don’t know what else to do with all those desires – so I tell You. Again. Hopeful. But also tired of hoping. Very tired from hoping. Emotionally drained.

I hope I’ll understand why I called out to You and You seem to have also let me pass away. Not yet completely. But my heart feels almost there.

I am asking for a miracle, God. YOU are my only hope. I pray You will show off. Surprise us all! Give this planet CPR. Jumpstart our hearts, our hope, our spirits, and our minds again. We need real change. We need real healing.

I thank You for the Manna, but I am so tired – please get me into the Promised Land. All of us.

If I am like I prayed – to be like Joshua and Caleb. And if sadly this older generation had to pass away in order to give the land to the restless younger ones who have been thankfully wrestling with so many necessary leftovers handed down from those who only knew slavery. If that is the case, please help me go in. I want my mountain! All of it. I want the view from the top. To see the sun rise and the sun set.

I still want to be like Enoch – that close to You. But I apologize. I know I haven’t. I hear You saying not to beat myself up, not to worry about it; that You well know how on edge I have been, how difficult this has been for me, how getting distracted for a bit helps to keep me in the game. But I don’t want to live there, God. Like so many others. I guess I need to have compassion for them. Please help me with that. But I so want us to wake up. For things to get better.

Hopefully without a lot of pain. I don’t want another Hitler. Or another 9/11. Or another Hiroshima. No. Hopefully.

I love You, God. Thank You!