Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish. And I now know I don’t have to, but it wants to be written. Why? I’m not sure yet.

Also, this not the next chronological chapter in the book. But it’s the chapter that wants to be written today.

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Everything fell apart and we stopped hanging out in May.

It was the very next semester that a last-minute degree requirement was sprung on me. But almost all the classes had already been filled up. I had to scramble to find one that would allow me to graduate on time. Although it otherwise would have been one of my last choices, the World Religions class was the best remaining option.

I took it with a professor who clearly did not care much for Christianity or Christians. His bias was annoying, but not unexpected. However what really surprised me was that through the class I started to see the same theme across all religions regardless of their differences. Over and over humans came to the conclusion that there was someone bigger than themselves. That created them. And then the humans determined that the bad things in life happened because they had made their creator mad. And so each religion set about a system to, as they saw it, try to get back into the good graces of their creator.

Why did this surprise me? All this time I thought my religion was so different. But really it was mostly more of the same.

Except Jesus. Right?

But what was so different about Jesus? About our story that we were telling?

Because I had experienced God over and over. Right? I mean God was real for me. Not just some words on a page.

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The person I refer to as Sojourner had given me a copy of The Shack to read so many years back. Maybe even in my late teens or early twenties. And at some point over the years she had referred to the author, Paul Young, as a friend. This intrigued me so much, but I didn’t ask more questions at the time. I just always wondered how she came to know a guy whose book was famous around the world.

Fast-forward to a few weeks after you and I stopped hanging out. And I saw Paul Young talking to Oprah on the television. I had just randomly watched clips of Oprah’s show sporadically over the years. But she was one of the most well-known people in America. And now I was only two people removed from her. The idea of that blew my mind. And caught my attention.

Long story short, Paul mentioned cheating on his wife. With her best friend.

Not what I wanted or expected to hear at the time. Especially after the reason we stopped hanging out just a few weeks earlier seemed on the surface to be because of a younger single woman that was allowed to come between us.

So I was mad. At you, at the whole male gender, and now at Paul. How could Sojourner be friends with someone like that? A lot was at stake. So I did what I do best: I started researching. I had to find out more about Paul’s cheating.

That little seed. Wow! What has come from it!

I learned that Paul’s cheating happened about a decade before he wrote The Shack. In the interim, he owned up to his mess, went through counseling for things like abuse in his childhood, and then reconciled with his wife. And she is the one who encouraged him to write down how he sees God. For their kids. That’s how The Shack came to be.

So if there was hope for Paul, then did that mean there was hope for you and I? That we’d talk and be friends again?

Another seed. That sent me researching again. For more of Paul’s story. Which quickly led me to Baxter Kruger. Who was another person Sojourner had tried to introduce me to even three years before!

And I was always receptive to whatever she suggested. I cared about what she knew because I knew that she cared. But even then, for whatever reason, the information didn’t land when she originally showed me like it was landing now. Something had shifted. Now I could see and hear. Now I was completely getting it.

I had to tell Sojourner! Unbeknownst to me, she was leading a group that was studying one of Baxter’s books. And they were planning to go to a conference with Baxter in Mississippi in a matter of weeks.

The attendance list for the conference had filled up so quickly that there was a waiting list. But someone in her group had a ticket and couldn’t make it. I had come to Sojourner’s mind but I don’t think that made sense to her at the time so she offered the ticket to several others first.

And why would offering it to me make any sense? I hadn’t really embraced what she had shown me previously relative to Baxter. And she didn’t yet know that the information had come back around to me.

Until I let her know. And then things moved very quickly. Next thing I knew a few weeks later I was driving to Mississippi for the conference with Baxter. Listening to more of Baxter and then Bruce Wauchope on the way. My mind and heart just exploding from wonder at all that I was learning.

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Maybe this was the answer? Maybe God split us up for a brief time because I needed to learn this? Without you at first?

Because we used to talk so much, so many times about the issue of whether or not a person could “lose their salvation”. Hours and hours, and many drives with you were focused on that subject. As we’d wrestle back and forth with it. Without me ever being able to settle on a resolution because there was something missing, something wasn’t adding up.

And at some point I had mentioned my thoughts about that issue to Sojourner. That’s why she sent the Brad Jersak video. And it sounded good to me when she initially sent it. But not something I had heard before so I sent it over to you for your opinion. A few months before everything fell apart between us.

And you sent me a very long, Scripture-filled response. As you would do. As I loved. In that you took me and all my five hundred billion questions seriously. You didn’t dismiss me. You didn’t brush me off. You took a lot of time with me. I was so spoiled by you in that. And so thankful. I so miss you and those conversations.

But maybe God allowed us to be torn apart because of this: you were so close – you liked almost everything Jersak had to say until the end. Where you took issue with some things he said and then rejected the whole message. And because you knew all the verses and all the arguments, I decided to not fully embrace the message also.

Maybe that’s why God allowed you to be taken away from me. Because even though you were my best friend, even though we created a Bible study together, even though you brought so much healing into my life – God wouldn’t let the rest of my healing be stolen. Even by you.

And so there I was. Now able to see and hear. Without you. Although painfully you were the one I most wanted to share all this with. And no matter how hard I tried, you were not receptive.

So I went to the Baxter Kruger conference in Mississippi with the pain of having the best news in my life and seemingly no one to share it with. Because I had also tried to present the information to the preacher at CCSA and my best female friend – Julie. Among others primarily from CCSA. And each time the conversations devolved completely.

I couldn’t understand. Why was I given the best information in the world, in my entire lifetime, and yet those that I loved most were clearly not being allowed to come along on this journey with me? I was so sad and confused about that.

But I hoped that maybe the time would come eventually. So I put on my Never Give Up shirts, headed to Mississippi, and hoped for the best. With a very heavy heart.

Was Jesus worth it if I lost everybody I loved in the process?

Thankfully Sojourner was still there. Excited. Not giving up. My lifeline. Helping me find new oxygen to make it through over and over.

But was this all just made up feel good stuff? Or was God really in it?

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The name of the conference was, “Living Loved”. Which felt like a cruel joke at the time.

And I was going to be meeting many of Sojourner’s friends and a lot of other people for the first time. There wasn’t a dress code but I didn’t want to embarrass Sojourner by dressing inappropriately for the occasion.

She emailed me and told me that she had a feeling I was being reserved. She assured me she wasn’t going to judge me. She told me she was proud of me.

So I took a risk. And instead of packing my “fake-a-good-impression” fancy lady clothes, I decided to just be myself and plan on wearing my jeans and Never Give Up shirts.

Well, on the long drive to the conference I had too much time to think. My insecurities and fears were holding front and center in my brain. And I felt like being myself was not enough. Plenty of people remind me of that on a daily basis. So I thought about turning around and not even going to the conference.

But it was a sold-out conference with a waiting list and I had generously been given a ticket because someone else could not attend. Also, I was scheduled to volunteer during a part of the conference. I felt like it would be really selfish and wrong for me to cancel at the last minute.

So I kept on driving towards Mississippi. And comforted myself by deciding that I would go shopping for better, more acceptable clothes in the few hours of free time I had before the conference began. To fit in with everyone else and not stand out.

Well, due to a series of uncontrollable events, I was delayed and hardly had any time to shop. I tried, I went to the shopping center. But I kept feeling this nudge in my spirit: “Just trust Me.”

So, scared out of my mind, I decided to stop looking for “better” clothes and just wear what I brought. And when I met up with Sojourner and all of her friends, I wore my new Never Give Up shirt with the obnoxiously large font.

They couldn’t have been nicer! Everyone was so welcoming and friendly. I was overwhelmed with their kindness. I felt a nudge in my spirit: “Seeeee! I told you. Chill out. Just trust Me.”

As the conference began, I met so many women and several told me, “I like your shirt.” I lost count of how many people told me that. In my spirit I felt the nudge again: “Seeeee. I told you. Just trust Me.”

During the conference there was a practical joke that Sojourner invited me to be a part of. It was not mean-spirited. It was a funny practical joke. But it involved standing up with her and several of her friends in front of over a hundred other people. And when it came time to play the practical joke, I just couldn’t bring myself to stand up in front of everyone.

Afterward Sojourner said, “You didn’t stand up?”

I responded, “I am so shy.”

She said, “Oh you’ll get over that by the time you leave here.”

Something Baxter said during the conference really stood out to me. He said, “If we are unashamed then no one will be able to define us or have power over us.”

But as I dressed for the second day of the conference with another “Never Give Up” shirt, I had to fight the fears all over again. I told myself: “Well at least the font size on this shirt is smaller.”

I was afraid people would be thinking, “Ok lady, one day of your cutesy little t-shirt was fine, but c’mon, grow up!”

I was avoiding interacting with people because I didn’t want to call attention to myself. But nearly every moment of the day there was someone initiating conversation with me. Ladies I met only the day before were inviting me to dinner and pursuing conversations with me.

After going through so much significant rejection in the months and weeks prior to the conference, the kindness of these new friends was a giant hug from God that was frying the circuits of my brain. I was truly overwhelmed in the best way.

So the last day of the conference arrived. I was looking at my clothes to wear. The choices were yet another “Never Give Up” shirt with the obnoxiously large font or a plain t-shirt. The thoughts in my head were: “Ok, people were understanding with your little Never Give Up shirt two days in a row, but three days is overkill. C’mon, grow up. Quit being weird.”

My heart really just wants to encourage. My heart doesn’t care so much about looking like a fool as long as even one person is given hope. But my mind was worried about embarrassing Sojourner, so I decided to play it “safe” and put on the plain t-shirt.

I went on to finish packing. But as I was about to zip up my last bag, I felt the nudge in my spirit: “Sarah, you are only going to see these people for two more hours. You may never see them again. Then you will be driving for twelve hours and stopping at several stores along the way. And maybe your Never Give Up shirt will help give someone hope. Just trust Me.”

Uggggggh. Ok. Fine. I’ll be “weird”.

So I changed shirts and put on the Never Give Up shirt with the big obnoxious font. But I brought a jacket with me just in case I became overwhelmed with self-consciousness.

I was trying to hide. I was worried people would think I only had one change of clothes. And I was counting down the minutes until I could be free of my anxiety.

Well the last session of the conference began and an unplanned moment happened where a woman shared about how she was forced to sign divorce papers a few days prior. For a separation that she did not want. She talked about how it was the biggest “you are not enough” moment of her life. She barely was able to speak because she was crying and in so much pain. And so many people in the audience started crying along with her.

That hit too close for me. The separation between you and I was something I definitely did not want. And it also felt like a big huge reminder that I wasn’t enough.

Then another unplanned moment happened as another lady was invited to share her experience that involved the pain of being sexually abused. Again, so many people in the audience were crying along with her.

And again, that one also hit too close to home for me.

Finally the second-to-last planned speaker of the conference started sharing her story. Again, more pain and suffering at the hands of others. Again, her words were resonating and so many people in the audience were crying as she shared her experiences.

I was completely overwhelmed at this point! I already had so much of my own rejection prior to the conference. And it was a fight to even get to the conference. I had also ridden the rollercoaster of anxiety and being saturated with kindness over the past three days. So the added intensity of the past hour or so with the speakers just made me want to jump up out of there and get on the road by myself with some music so I could zone out. I kept checking the time on my phone and counting down the minutes until I could breathe again.

At one point the speaker said something like, “I already ran over my time.” And then Baxter responded by saying something like, “It’s ok, keep going.” And although everything being shared was good, it was so intense that my whole being was just screaming, “Noooo, get me out of here!”

I was wrestling with whether to get up and leave the room just to get a break. If I had been in the back then I probably would have excused myself. But I was on the second row up front. And didn’t want to call attention to myself.

Well there I was trying to keep from jumping out of my skin, when all of a sudden I hear the speaker shift gears and loudly announce, “Where is that lady with the “give up” shirt?”

Oh no.

I raise my hand.

She says, “Stand up!”

Oh no.

Yep, this is happening.

So I stand up and she says, “Turn around!”

I’m facing the entire audience. They are all a blur.

And through my anxiety, all I hear is her say something like, “NEVER GIVE UP, ladies!!!”

And then everyone starts clapping and I sit down.

So much for being shy.

Then the nudge from The Holy Spirit with a big smile, “Seeeee!!!!! I told you. Just trust Me.”

The speaker talked for a few more minutes and then ended her speech by saying something like, “And remember ladies, DO NOT GIVE UP!”

I attended the conference expecting to learn a bunch of head knowledge, but God had other plans as to how He wanted to teach me about Living Loved.

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So that’s it? Just a cute little moment at a conference?

I learned some knowledge that impacts every aspect of my life. But that’s it? Just carry on like nothing? Just leave everyone I love behind?

The story of you and me, and all I thought God was doing through what I thought was one of the best friendships of my life, just ends like that?

After I’ve received the best news of my life?