Sarah Nyhan

I just woke up from a very vivid dream. Were you thinking of me? I’ll share the dream now. And only you will know if so.

The dream that woke me up:

There was a house. Maybe by a lake. A place where people go for vacations. Lots of windows and light. But this was nice. At night. And there were a lot of people there. Watching a movie.

At some point people were shifting around, changing places. And you ended up next to me on a bed. But you didn’t want me to touch you. So you kept moving away.

There wasn’t enough room for me to give you your space, so I fell off while trying to still be there next to you. I landed down on the ground. You just laughed.

But then…

Was it just because you knew how bad that looked to others? Cause you pulled me back up and next to you. This time even held me close. Put your arm around me so I didn’t fall off. And quietly said only loud enough for me to hear, “I was just joking.”

But I didn’t believe you. You hurt my feelings and I wasn’t going to give you the benefit of the doubt as easily as before. So I announced to everyone that you were just holding me because there wasn’t enough room for the both of us. So I wouldn’t fall off again.

Oh so practical, right? Even in that – protecting you. Your reputation. In case you changed your mind about me. In case you were playing games. Like last time? Like so many times?

The movie continued playing as you held me. But I became so into the storyline that I didn’t notice what you were doing. I had already tuned you out and was fully committed to moving on after the humiliation you served me. So I didn’t pay you any mind as you started playing with me. Not with your hands.

I guess trying to be cute at first. To annoy me out of my sour mood towards you. But when your efforts were met with my steadfast emotionless resolve, then you were full-on trying to land a proper kiss just to see if that would snap me back. To the point where everyone was now laughing as you kept trying. But I was still so oblivious that each time I was now the one moving away from you. Trying to give you the space you insisted on before.

It wasn’t until your efforts were nearly ridiculous that I finally woke to it. Enough to catch everyone saying something like, “Damn, she was really into the movie; paying you no mind.” Everyone even kinda impressed by how little I seemed to now care.

Little did you and they know. It has just been…

The story. I was so stuck to a particular story that I never made room for you. When the story I got stuck on was never the one that interested me in the first place. Just happened.

And I’m too scared to consider anymore stories again. I need real love this time.

I asked God, “Why this dream? Why now?” When I am so clearly trying to move on. As opposed to before.

Is it a sign? For something I’m not as keen on anymore. Do I have to accept whatever I’m offered? Or can I still insist on more? After all this time? As I am even now?

All I felt in response was interesting. Like a mirror. God showing me that you are far from perfect. And I would have put you on too high of a pedestal before. And that would have ruined everything.

Now I see myself as an equal. Your equal. Included. Part of everyone.

And you also. Just like me; not the exact same, but more alike than different in at least a few major ways that matter.

But I told God that I wouldn’t now want what you served me before. I don’t want to try to be okay with that again.

Trinity told me that was perfectly fine, even the point.

Because you fucked up. My love was enough even back then. But now you have to earn it. Not my first preference, but your choices forced my hand, forced this. Ball is in your court. Your turn.

And I’m not the same woman I was before. I’m not chasing you again. I’m learning.

The things in my adult past were necessary. I needed them to heal and grow. To be ready for better love, real love. Maybe he really was the practice guy like I used to refer to him as a significant amount of the time. Only man I even remotely seriously considered. But not the destination?

Maybe God let me go through all that as a gift. So I could start working out all of my most pressing shit; there was plenty in blind spots I wasn’t aware of.

So I’d have a shot when the real thing came along. So I’d at least show up in my heart as me; more than just my trauma.

God told me that what I saw, what I could see now, is not the all-the-way real you. That there is a whole other person yet to be fully uncovered. Maybe someone so remote now that you’ve almost forgotten who you used to be. Back when happier moments were more easily grabbed hold of. Before stuff wore you down. Made you this person that is still admirable in many ways. But you won’t ever be okay until you are able to step into who you really see yourself as. Deep down.

You have some unlearning to go through. And I needed to know that, see that before God would ever let anything happen on any level.

The good news is that it’s not too late. Just ask – God first. I pray for you to see and hear even more. Experiencing Jesus’ heart for you. In the depths of your soul.

I promise you, an adventure awaits. Not you in the supporting role you have previously consciously embraced for the sake of others more than for yourself. Although you valiantly learned to find joy even there.

That’s part of the real you. The one people love and are still drawn to.

God told me before that if it was good for me then He’d let it stay.

Same with you.

Don’t worry – only the best parts, the easy-to-love parts will remain. As you are cleansed.

This isn’t about losing anything. Only the pain you are so tired of will be gone. And all the ways it manifests into the untouched corners of your life.

What if there is REAL hope this time? With or without me. How does that sound? Is that something you’d be interested in risking for at least one more time?

I hope so. Do it at least out of curiosity. Please. At this point just to see.

This is for you this time. Not anyone else for a good long while.

Me? Still got a lot of work to do. And that’s where you’ll find me. Organically if Trinity sees it as best for us both. Along the way. The journey. The adventure.

We already know all the reasons your mind has to say no. But what does your heart say? Will you join me?