Sarah Nyhan

A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

One day I was talking on the phone to my brother. Animatedly communicating some great indignation I had endured. And expressing my desire that the offender reap significant consequences as punishment for their failure to spare me from pain and suffering.

I was taken aback when my brother replied in earnest shock, “Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you pray for them to get better?”

Here I am, the one who is “going to church” on Mondays, Wednesday, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Me, the one who aims to only listen to gospel and Christian music. Me, who tries to read the Bible and do studies every day. Me, who is devoted to abstinence and celibacy.

And my brother who hasn’t stepped in a church building in God knows how long. My brother who has smoked marijuana for decades. My brother who has enjoyed the company of multiple women without involving the legal system.

I immediately felt the gentle conviction of Spirit. Of course that was the answer. Of course God would want to nurse hurting and also hurtful people back to healing and wholeness.

But I was so hurt that I couldn’t see the path out of my pain towards that heart right then. It would take years before I could conceptualize how my experiences could still be validated while healing for all was pursued in favor of destruction as punishment. I didn’t realize then that my boundaries and the offenders’ restoration are not diametrically opposed objectives that require the elimination of one in order for the other to happen.

But my brother’s words sowed a seed that day that resonated for years. And continually resonates with me even still.

Street witnessing wasn’t my thing. I wasn’t raised that way. To barge in on people and interrupt their day with unsolicited information. But I was determined to please God. And I thought I must not love people enough if I didn’t harass them out of hell. Basically.

Even so, I only went street witnessing a few times. Downtown around The Alamo.

One time I needed to use the bathroom while I was down there. Not the easiest thing to find when you’re downtown. So I wandered away from Alamo Plaza and ended up asking to use the restroom at the Christian Service Center. I remember feeling what I would now identify as shame when I went inside. Because they were actually doing something more than just talking at people. They were providing soldiers with a safe and welcoming place to relax and refresh.

But that concept really was too much for me to integrate into my frame of reference at the time. That would have involved reconfiguring so much of my life and challenging so many of my modes of operation. It was just too overwhelming to think through at the time. But it definitely planted a seed.

Unfortunately in the interim I just went back to doing what I knew to do: continue working away.

One time when I was downtown for street witnessing, Tusi and I were paired up together as partners for the day. She and I had similar backgrounds in that we had both been in relationships with women. And she was former military while I grew up in the military environment.

I really respected her, but at the time also felt an extra responsibility to encourage “my sister in Christ” to stay on the STRAIGHT and narrow. 😆 I never would have been able to admit it at the time, but that manifested intention was probably a projection of a significant sadness I diligently tried to deny: my own grief I deeply felt from leaving a woman I dearly loved in order to “follow Christ”. Maybe Tusi also, but I for sure was one who wanted to go back to the women I loved.

In any event, there we were in Alamo Plaza. Tusi and I. Me thinking I had to keep the whole world from falling apart.

So since I naturally hated approaching people, I invited Tusi to join me as I prayed for God to provide an “in”. Basically for God to open doors for us to walk through in order to organically tell people about Jesus. Because even then I still loathed the idea of being grouped in with the people who would arrive with loudspeakers and yell at everyone to get “saved”… Or else…

So after I prayed, Tusi and I went around and talked to a couple people. Nothing earth shattering, but thank God nothing super-cringe also.

But then Tusi saw a snow cone stand and said she wanted to go get a snow cone. I told her we needed to stay on task. My attitude was like, “Tusi, we are here to save people from hell. Not to eat snow cones.”

She stayed with me and we “witnessed” to a few more people. But whenever we weren’t talking to people, she kept talking to me about snow cones. Finally I relented. I basically communicated that I would be the valiant martyr and stand my ground at my post in The Alamo Plaza while she went to go get the snow cone that was so important. And no, don’t bring me one back. I don’t need a snow cone; I need people to not go to hell.

In my mind I was thinking, “Fine! Since your ‘flesh’ is getting in the way of ‘witnessing’, go get your stupid
snow cone.”

She, clearly unbothered, made a beeline for the snow cone stand. I stood there in the plaza trying to get refocused on the task at hand. Waiting for Tusi to return. But a lot of time went by and she still hadn’t returned. So I marched over with my pompous austerity to find her and bring her back to “work”.

Where did I finally locate her? Talking with the snow cone stand owner. When I walked up she, blissfully unaware of my audacity, excitedly introduced me to the snow cone owner and invited me to join them as she prayed for the owner’s business to be blessed and successful.

I immediately again felt the gentle conviction of Spirit. God, as only God can do, gave me a funny wakeup call that day. And I’ve been learning a lot along those lines since.

All from Tusi’s desire for a snow cone.

God participates with us just as we are. Not in spite of who we are. The pressure is off. Holy Spirit does the heavy lifting.

There is no condemnation.

“There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest…” Hebrews 4

But I still insisted on doing several more laps around the desert.