Sarah Nyhan

I Gave Up

December19th

  • Rich

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    —-

    I heard the preacher, Ron, tell a story about how his Bible College education was paid for by a very rich man. As I heard it, the rich man said that as fast as he could shovel out the money, God would shovel more to him.

    So there I am sitting in my cubicle at my corporate job and I prayed to God: “I want to be like that. Please make me the kind of person that you can trust with a lot of money.”

    Well, right after I prayed that prayer, a coworker walked up to me and asked me for some pineapple I was eating. I told her that she couldn’t have any of my pineapple. Instead I gave her one of the packages of dried noodles that I kept in my desk.

    Immediately the thought then entered my mind: “You want money to share with people and you won’t even share your pineapple?”

    Then another thought immediately followed: “Sarah, you don’t even know how rich you already are.”

    Instantly I felt like a total failure! I was weeping in my spirit, praying for forgiveness, praying for another chance. And as they say, the race was on… I jumped on the performance treadmill. I tried harder and harder and harder to prove myself. “Give me another chance, Lord. This time I’ll get it.”

    My life then started taking a dramatic turn from what I had envisioned for myself. An adventure that is even ongoing all the way up through today.

    —–

    I was at church, talking to Paula, when a woman came over and asked Paula if she knew of anyone who needed a job. Paula pointed to me and said I needed a job. But I didn’t – I was already employed and Paula knew this. I felt so confused.

    But by this time I was getting used to nudges from God. And again, this didn’t make any sense. But it was so specific. So I decided not to fight it. I.took the woman’s contact information and applied for the position she was looking to fill. Even though it wasn’t in a field that I was interested in. And I was sure I wouldn’t get hired because I had no experience in that field.

    Well, much to my surprise, I was actually offered the job. But what should I do now? I already had a job. However, I was a contractor and the contract was eventually scheduled to end even though the date was, as I understood it, at least awhile out. I was actually hopeful that I’d transition from a contractor to being hired on for a permanent role. So I decided to be open and ask to speak with my boss before I said yes or no to this other position that I had been offered.

    Well, when my boss heard what I wanted to talk to her about, she came over to my desk and said, “I was just on my way to tell you that your last day would be this week.”

    God protected me! Showed off for me again! Provided a job out of nowhere for me. And didn’t give my boss the satisfaction of letting me go. (As she always seemed to single me out for poor treatment.) I beat her to the punch by only a few minutes.

    I ended my time at that company and started the new position with the new company.

  • Solomon

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    But first a story from right before I moved into Julie’s.

    I was still living downtown. Taking the bus to work every weekday. And eating in the cafeteria at work for lunch most days.

    So one day I’m downstairs, waiting in line to pay for my food, and I reach out to grab a cookie to add to my order. Suddenly a man next to me comments on my cookie purchase.

    Now maybe you’re not a fat girl. Maybe you don’t understand the rules. So I’ll repeat them here just in case: if you see a fat girl buying a cookie, you’re not allowed to comment on that. 😆 Comment on anything else, but don’t comment on the cookie.

    I hadn’t been paying any attention to him until he spoke to me. But I was irritated by him calling me out on my purchase. So from the hip I quickly responded with something sarcastic like, “Yes, I am maintaining my Olympic figure.” And then I waved my hand down my body as if to highlight all that was obvious to see.

    The man responded, “Don’t you know that you are a child of God?”

    Wha-wha-wha-what?! Come again? What did he just say to me? Who would just say something like that?

    So he had my attention. I asked him what his name was. Solomon! His name was freaking Solomon. Of course his name is Solomon. How does this happen to me?!

    So I told him my name was Sarah. And he responded with something like, “Oh yeah, from the Bible.” Yes, from the Bible. So now he has even more of my attention.

    He walked with me to the elevator and by the time we got to my floor, he was already saying he wanted to reach out to talk more. It was only a short walk to my desk, but by the time I sat down and turned my computer back on, he was already messaging me.

    Oh, and I forgot to mention he was F.I.N.E.!!! I mean GQ magazine fine. Smartly dressed. Muscular and a dream in many ways. Very dark-colored skin. I assumed and later confirmed that he was from Africa. And not just looks – he was also an engineer.

    What could go wrong?

    Well, for one, nobody that fine ever usually hits on me. Which he proceeded to do immediately after I returned to my desk. Within the first conversation, he was saying he wanted to take me to Africa. And inviting me to go with him on a trip out of state.

    What a temptation! A beautiful strong man just rolling up on me like that.

    But I’m not playing games. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know all I’ve been through. And more importantly he doesn’t know that I think God has told me that another man that I’ve never met yet is going to be my future husband – Mr. December 19th.

    So I cut to the chase. And I quickly asked him if he was married. He said he was, but only because his wife was in Africa and they couldn’t get a divorce. How convenient. 🙄 So I told him I wasn’t interested.

    But he still wanted to go out and talk. And it was probably how freaking fine and smooth he was that started messing with my mind. Making me look for any way this could work out. So I gave him my test: back then I had a test that I would give guys who approached me. It was a double-edged sword. It was intended to weed out the fakes from the real ones. And it went like this: if they asked me to go out, I’d say, “Sure, we can go out. But it has to be going to church.”

    One guy I gave this test to responded by saying, “Shit! I’m not going to take you to church, but I’ll take you to Church’s Chicken.” 😆 Points for creativity and humor, but HELL NO. Hahaha.

    Anyway, Solomon called my bluff. When I told him to meet me at church, he actually showed up!! How it played out was that I was sitting up front that day. As per usual. And Paula had been going around greeting people. When she came and sat down in her spot next to me, she leaned over and gave me a note she wrote that said something like, “Don’t turn around, but a Solomon is here to see you.”

    I was SHOCKED! Never had a man actually taken me up on my test. Why did he come to church?! Lord?! What are You doing to me? This man is clearly off limits and not Mr. December 19th!?

    The service ended and of course I immediately got up and scanned the room to look for him. I saw him as he was headed for the doors. I walked as fast as I could and finally caught up with him as he was getting into his car that was parked up front outside. He looked like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough! I don’t know, but I bet that sermon lit him on fire from the inside out.

    I thought that would be it. I went back to my real life where fine dudes with Biblical names aren’t usually asking me to travel the world with them.

    But then one day I was a few blocks away from the workplace and Mr. Slick and Smooth Solomon rolled up on me. In his black and clean Land Rover no less. Looking of course right out of a magazine ad again. And his first words? Something like, “Why are you leaving me crying for you?”

    Oh my God. All I could do was laugh! It was so outrageous. This time I couldn’t let my hopes get up again; I wouldn’t. So I tried to shut him down ASAP.

    But this time he even offered to pick me up from my house every day for work. And drop me off back at home so I wouldn’t have to take the bus anymore.

    My poor ego. All these years. All these people. I’m sitting at the bus stop every day. Having to eat it as people look down on me over and over and over. As the rain soaks me. As the sun beats down on me. As the cold just rips into me. And this gorgeous man is offering to pick me up in his super fly blacked out Land Rover every day. I admit it took everything in me, but I turned him down.

    And that was the end of that. Except I always tell people my theory is that he was just trying to steal me away to drug me and take one of my kidneys. 😂

    But I was still holding out hope for Mr. December 19th.

  • Schertz

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    I worked in downtown San Antonio. And I lived right on the edge of downtown. I would take the bus into work during the week. And then I would rent a car from Enterprise every weekend for $9.99 per day. I would use the rental car to do all my errands and go to church on the weekends.

    After many months, Julie asked me to be her roommate and move into her house. At the time that sounded crazy to me because I didn’t have a vehicle and the bus didn’t run up to where Julie lived in Schertz. So, logically, I told Julie no.

    But I kept feeling like God was encouraging me to move in with her. Yet I kept saying no because I didn’t see how it could work out. It didn’t make any sense to move and not be able to get to work.

    But the idea kept coming to me and wouldn’t leave me alone.

    So, one Friday night I felt really strongly that I should go to the “Afterglow” service at church. Basically that was a service that occurred the following week after the preacher finished preaching through a book of the Bible. And the service consisted of people basically speaking as they felt “led by the spirit”.

    The idea of this really freaked me out. I had never been to one of these services before. And I had no desire to attend them. I didn’t feel comfortable when people would so-called “speak in tongues”. It was creepy to me. 

    But that week the idea to go to the “Afterglow” service kept coming to me over and over. So I risked it. I went. And I made sure to find Julie and sit next to her because I was scared.

    Well, so many times during the service, it felt like people were saying stuff that over and over seemed to be confirming that God wanted me to move in with Julie. I started crying because I didn’t understand. “How am I going to get to work, Lord?!” 

    After a lot more wrestling, I finally relented and resigned myself to hoping that God would help me somehow. Maybe I’d just use all of my income to rent a car during the work week? I didn’t know. But it seemed like God really wanted me there, so I planned the move.

    The night before I was supposed to move to Julie’s, I went to church again. It was another Friday night. And right before the service started, a woman walked up to me and told me that she and her husband felt that God wanted them to let me use an extra car they had!?!!! They didn’t even want me to pay them any money to use their car, they were still going to cover the maintenance, and they didn’t give me a deadline on when I needed to give it back to them.

    My mind was BLOWN! Who does that!?! Who just lets someone use one of their cars for free for several months!?! 

    It didn’t make any sense. God was really showing off for me again.

    So I move moved into Julie’s house and didn’t have to rent a car at all anymore. I continued using the couple’s car for several months.

  • Honda

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    Julie had a customer who wanted to sell a 1989 Honda CRX. The customer was an older lady who barely ever drove, so we assumed the car would be in good condition even though it was old.

    But just to be sure, Julie suggested that I have a Honda mechanic come and check out the car. She knew of such a guy, so he came over to the older lady’s house and checked out the car. He gave me the green light and told me it was a good buy.

    So I put together some of my own money, and then borrowed the rest from my ex-girlfriend, Denise, in order to buy this Honda.

    Well, when I was literally signing the papers in order to finalize the transaction, the older lady started giving me “free” luggage to go along with the car. And she was making a big deal out of giving me the luggage. I specifically remember thinking that she wouldn’t be giving me something extra like luggage unless she was lying to me about something about the car and trying not to feel guilty about screwing me over. But I was literally in the middle of signing the papers in her house and felt trapped in a social dilemma. If I turned down the car after the Honda mechanic gave it the green light, how would that look? Just because I had a gut feeling? So against my first and better judgement, I continued on with the transaction. And immediately felt sick about it.

    So I expected something to be wrong, but I didn’t expect to not even be able to drive the car out of the woman’s driveway! What the hell?! The Honda mechanic told me it was good?!

    So I called him immediately while I was still trying to leave her house. And I was pretty pissed. He got the message and offered to come over and look at the car.

    Turned out one of the axles was broken! How did you miss that, Mr. Mechanic? Clearly he never drove the car when he was checking it out the first time!?!

    Denise recommended that I take the car to a mechanic’s shop not too far away. But that was a disaster. I had to go back repeatedly because every time they’d give it back to me, my original problem wouldn’t be solved and then there would also be some other new major problem.

    I remember one of those times, the car started SCREEEEEECHING so loudly when I was driving it that you must have been able to hear the thing over a mile away. One time I dared to drive it to church like that and it was so loud that I just parked it at the edge of the parking lot, put a for sale sign in the window, and walked all the way across the parking lot to go into the church. So embarrassing.

    Well, finally after weeks of going back and forth with the mechanics, it was clear that this car was just not in the cards for me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it fixed. No matter how much money or time I put into it. So I decided to call it quits and sell it on Craigslist.

    I had sunk so much money into this thing. And owed Denise several hundred dollars on top of the repairs. And still the car was not really drivable. So initially I was prepared to list it for a few hundred dollars and just take the first person who would pay me anything for it.

    But I started to feel like God told me not to sell the car for anything less than I had put into it. So I took a leap of faith and listed it for the full amount I had put into it. Original purchase price plus repairs, etc.

    So many guys were replying to my ad and repeatedly one after the other trying to offer me much less than what I was asking for. When I’d turn down their offers, they would laugh at me and tell me I’d never get the full amount I was asking for.

    One person even offered all but a few hundred dollars away from what I was asking. But I turned him down. Because I thought God told me to get the full amount I was asking for.

    I felt so nervous. Sick to my stomach. Here I am owning Denise several hundred dollars. Which I could have given back to her if I had accepted the highest offer. But I turned it down. If she knew, she’d probably be so angry. So I didn’t tell her.

    I just kept turning down dozens of offers under the asking price.

    Eventually a auto salesman even called me from the Honda dealership. He said they wanted to buy the car and put it in the dealership as a show-off piece. Kind of like a museum relic.

    I bought the bait and drove the car over to the dealership. Took them at their word. But when I got there, the story changed. Now one of the guys wanted to buy it for his younger brother. Either way, I didn’t care as long as they paid me full price.

    But of course they wanted to show me cars that they could get me into while I was there. At this point I wasn’t sure if I should buy new. I didn’t have a good feeling about it, but I hadn’t asked God either way. So I went to look at the cars. To see if any peace would come to me while looking at them.

    Eventually I was considering buying one. But before I purchased a new Honda, I needed them to buy this old Honda off of me first. And I needed to know that they would give me the full price I was asking for.

    Well, they stalled so much. Took my car into their repair bay to get it looked at first. Then of course had me waiting forever while someone apparently was drawing up paperwork.

    I didn’t have a good feeling about it, but I needed to know either way – would they give me the full price or not? No straight answers so far.

    Well, while I was waiting in the dealership, someone called me from Houston. I lived in San Antonio at the time. He said, “Do NOT sell that car!! I am going to take off of work tomorrow and drive up from Houston and buy it from you.”

    I tried to tell him all the issues with it, but he only wanted to know one thing. He asked me to go outside, open some cap, and then send him a picture of the inside. Was it the oil or the radiator? I don’t know. But whatever it was, I opened the cap, took a picture, and sent it to him.

    He then straight away told me again to not sell the car to anyone else. I told him I was in the dealership. I told him I wouldn’t be able to sell the car for less than the full price I was asking for. He assured me he would come up in the morning, meet me at a bank (my other requirement), and give me full price.

    There was something about him. Something different. I took a chance. I told him yes and then went to tell the dealership what just happened.

    It ended up that of course the dealership wasn’t going to give me the full asking price that I wanted. They of course tried to give me a royal hard time. They tried to pressure me to talk to all kinds of managers. They even had a manager come out and basically make fun of me as I was getting into the car to drive away. They said I’d never get what I was asking for. And I remember I responded back by saying that if God told me then it would happen.

    I drove away from the dealership hoping I was right. Hoping God really did tell me what I thought He told me.

    The next day I brought Denise along for security and the man from Houston showed up like he said he would. With three of his friends. We met at the Capital One bank parking lot in downtown San Antonio.

    He was looking at the car, but he didn’t even drive it! I offered for him to drive it, but he said he didn’t need to. He just asked me to assure him that it ran. I told him it had been running for a few days but that it had a lot of problems.

    That was all he needed to hear. He was happy to go inside and do the transaction with the teller and give me the full asking price. Without even driving it! That didn’t make any sense!

    One of his friends told me that he hadn’t seen the guy this excited since the birth of his child. Turns out the Honda was the same model and color of car that he had when he was in high school. He had sold that car a long time ago and always wanted to have it again. So he bought my Honda because he was so happy that the interior was in almost perfect condition even though the rest of the car was so messed up. He just wanted to make sure he’d be able to drive it back to Houston. Then he was basically going to break it down and fully restore it to mint condition. He even said he was going to keep it in a garage with an alarm. He was so happy.

    I was able to call the dealership back and tell them that God worked it out for me like I said He would. And that I got the full asking price!

    And I was able to fully repay Denise. And also walk away with my money back.

    Amazing! God really showed off for me!

  • First Meeting

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    I don’t remember the first time I saw you. There were so many people at that church. You didn’t catch my eye, but you stood out because you were doing chiropractic adjustments on people after church as they laid across the seats in the main meeting room.

    I thought it was really commendable that you were making yourself available to help people. But it was just that: a fleeting, passing thought.

    I just remember thinking that I could never lay across some chairs in the middle of everyone and have people see someone adjusting my body. I had too much shame for that. I didn’t want to be seen in that position. Too vulnerable.

    Not that the opportunity ever presented itself. You were just one of hundreds of people in that church. I didn’t know your name, we didn’t ever talk, and I went on about my life. You never crossed my mind unless you happened to be in my view as I was helping clean and setup the building after services.

    The first real time you came across my radar was when Bethany, Stephanie, and possibly even Melody invited me to hear you give a talk on health. That’s when I learned your name.

    But I was so confused because they seemed so insistent on me going. And the invitation was completely out of the blue. I don’t think I had ever hung out with any of them before. And then all of a sudden they are all inviting me to the same event.

    That’s the only reason I went. Just like being pulled up to sit next to Paula, none of it made any sense. That’s the only reason I said yes.

    I didn’t really have any desire to go otherwise. Everyone thus far associated with it seemed really into fitness. For example, I think Stephanie was running up until her last week of pregnancy. And I on the other hand was two hundred pounds overweight and could barely walk.

    But I kept an open mind.

    So the day of your talk arrives. I had plenty of other things to do, but I kept my word and didn’t cancel just because I wondered what God could be up to.

    At that time I didn’t even have a car. I lived close to my workplace downtown, so I rode the bus during the week and rented a car on the weekends.

    But Bethany even offered to drive clear across down to pick me up and then take me halfway across town where you were speaking.

    So generous that it didn’t make sense to me. This was not human nature as I routinely experienced it. But I just decided that it was the love of God in them all; caring about me and my health. Wanting good for me.

    So in my mind, your talk was going to be attended by a lot of people because there was a lot of people at the church and you seemed to be adjusting a fair number of them. But when we arrived, there were probably only six to eight of us total.

    I mention that only because I started to think, “What is going on, God? Why am I here?”

    Remember me? The girl who didn’t even initially want to go to this church because I didn’t want anyone to see and talk to me. “So why do You have me, clearly way out of shape, in this intimate setting where the focus is our bodies?!”

    Then you started talking about health. Talking, talking, talking, and talking. Clearly very excited to be sharing a lot of information. Very much in your element.

    I was following you for the first few minutes, but then I started to get discouraged because I quickly realized that I was on step one and everyone else was way ahead of me in terms of fitness. You were talking about maximizing their nutrition and physical health so they could be more athletic. And I was basically just trying not to die.

    It got to the point where I zoned out and started thinking about other things in between looking at the clock every minute or so. I just wanted it to be over because every sentence felt like yet another reminder of how fat I was. I wanted to be far away at my place. Or anywhere else but there.

    The only time I was snapped out of my foul mood was when your friend Taqui came in and interrupted your talk to meet you for lunch. You introduced him and I was curious to learn more, but he didn’t appear to be interested in knowing any of us and within minutes was gone off to the side or out of the door. Nothing more to think on that. So I went back to zoning out while you continued on.

    When you finally finished giving your talk, I felt relieved and was more than ready to go. But then you offered to adjust everyone. Uh oh! My nightmare: being exposed in front of everyone.

    I was hoping Bethany might want to go. I told her we didn’t have to stay on account of me. But she clearly was not ready to leave.

    So I tried to stay in the background. Me, the fattest person in the room. I tried to stand behind everyone, somehow make myself small, and look aloof in order to appear disinterested. Maybe you wouldn’t notice me. Hopefully you would skip over me. I’d be happy with that.

    You adjusted almost everyone else first. Bethany and I were the only ones remaining. And you approached me first. Directly. But not with any emotion. Very clinical. And you asked me what was wrong.

    I was thinking, “What ISN’T wrong?” But I just randomly chose to tell you about my ankle or my foot because I was hoping that would be the easiest body part to adjust. And not leave me so vulnerable in front of everyone.

    You looked at my foot for a few seconds. Then you told me to follow you back to a treatment room.

    You hadn’t asked anyone else to go back to a treatment room. Why me? I was both grateful to not have everyone’s eyes on me. But also scared because I didn’t know you and I didn’t know what to expect. Was I that messed up? If I had to hear bad news, at least it wouldn’t be in front of everyone.

    You had me sit on a treatment table as you looked at my foot. And then you told me that I needed a lot more treatment. You said that you wouldn’t be able to adjust me quickly and send me on my way. You indicated that I needed a lot more work. And I said to follow up with you in order to schedule some appointments.

    That was the first time we met and spoke.

    Many, many moons later, after talking more, you would tell me that I appeared like an abused dog that first time you met me.

    Nobody ever told me that before. In all my years. Was it that obvious? Probably.

    But also it made me realize how in tune you were. You said you noticed that I didn’t want to be seen or talked to or touched.

    You approached me so intelligently. And with respect. You were more patient with me than many. Thank you.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back to the story…

    The next day after your talk and subsequently our first meeting was Sunday. Surprisingly I was invited to hang out again with “the fitness group”, as I referred to them. Even more people this time. At a party at Seth and Angela’s apartment.

    I still didn’t understand; they had never asked me to hang out before. Why now? Nice enough people, but I certainly didn’t fit in with them. Was God doing something? It seemed so odd. That’s the only reason I said yes. I didn’t want to miss out if God had something for me.

    But after I arrived, I felt so awkward. Because I’m the one to talk with after a traumatic crisis, but not really someone who is great for a party. I am way too serious.

    So I found a corner to sit in. Close to the action, but not in it. Making awkward random small talk with people in passing. Two minutes in and I already wanted to jump out of my skin. But I was forcing myself to stay and try.

    You arrived shortly after I did. Bringing a vegetable tray. Of course the doctor brings the vegetable tray.

    I didn’t expect to see you there. I stood out because of my weight, but you stood out because of your age. At least probably a decade older than anyone there. Maybe more. Not a problem at all. Just an observation. But it made sense that they’d invite you since you were the resident go-to on improving physical health and performance.

    We were in front of each other when you set down your vegetable tray. But you didn’t acknowledge me even though you had just spoken with me less than 24 hours ago.

    This confused me, but I took it to mean that the courtesy you showed me previously was strictly professional. Which was fine. I could understand that.

    It was clear you were interested in being more personal and friendly with others. Par for the course in my life. I didn’t really think twice about it. Just picked at a few more veggies and then dipped out as soon as I could without being overtly rude. And went back to living my life.

    I was so broke. I didn’t have a car. How was I going to pay for chiropractic sessions with you when I didn’t even have any medical insurance?

    And I didn’t have a car during the week. How would I get to the clinic you worked out of? It would have probably taken over two hours one way on the bus.

    Plus your treatment of me at the party. Confusing.

    So I avoided you at church. I didn’t want you to take it personally that I hadn’t called to schedule an didn’t want you to think that I didn’t value your professional opinion.

    And I thought that was all there would ever be to it.

    But one day there were a ton of people in the hallway at church in between services and out of everyone there, I was surprised that you approached me and asked if I was going to make an appointment with you for treatment.

    I was surprised that you even remembered me. That caused me to decide to not write you off as just cold and clinical. But I still skirted the subject of scheduling treatment with you because I didn’t want to disclose how broke I was.

    And I thought that would be it. That you’d have made your polite attempt to follow up and offer assistance. And that I’d do better at not being seen. And we’d move on with our lives. Like almost everyone else I ever interacted with when you look at life as a whole.

    And that would have been what happened if it was up to me. Because I never thought about you except if I happened to see you at church.

    But yet again our paths crossed probably a few weeks later. And again you took the initiative to approach me and ask if I was going to make an appointment for treatment with you.

    I was so surprised that you followed up again. That you even remembered me. And you didn’t come off as if you were trying to sell me on anything.

    So now my attention was piqued and I began to see you as more than a caricature of the typical person who will initially be polite to me but then dismiss me as soon as possible.

    I now felt ashamed and rude for not following up with you. I really respected you reaching out now two times, so I wanted to offer some real human courtesy in exchange by telling you the real truth instead of some other excuse: I didn’t have the funds to afford treatment with you.

    Now this is all in spite of the fact that you never spoke about or ever mentioned or asked for any money for the treatment. But I didn’t want to assume you were offering it for free. I wasn’t raised that way.

    Your response? You just casually replied, “Don’t worry about it.”

    Which initially sounded great. To a person who isn’t at the top of the conscienciousness and analytical charts. But it was way too ambiguous of a response for me.

    What did you mean?

    That I could come for treatment and then pay you later when I had money? If so, I didn’t know when or if I would ever be able to pay you back. I didn’t want to book and not be able to pay you within a decent amount of time.

    Or did you mean I could come for treatment and not worry about ever paying you? I could never assume that. Maybe others would, but I couldn’t. Remember the verse about not sitting at the head of the table? This was the same issue.

    I wouldn’t dare schedule with you without you specifically saying what you meant. And I couldn’t ask you to clarify. That would have put you in an awkward position. I wasn’t raised like that.

    So again, even though you told me to not worry about not having the money, I didn’t schedule with you. And life went on. All of us focused on living our individual lives.

    But over the course of the following months, two people brought up your name in conversation with me. Both times the details led me to believe that you were “spoken for”. In the sense that either you were interested in someone or others were interested in setting you up with someone else.

    Either way I didn’t even understand why they were telling me. It didn’t make any sense because none of it was anywhere close to my business. So I only filed the information in the back of my mind and went on with my life.

    All to say, yet another reason why you were never on my radar. I had no interest in getting in the middle of anything going on between others.

    More importantly, I was a metaphorical baby in my renewed relationship with God. And I felt like Trinity was showing off for me over and over again. Whatever was happening, it was a lot of fun.

  • Up Front

    A continuation of my attempt to finish a book I started in December 2017. Posting chapters in an attempt to organize it all and finish.

    The next time I came to church, Jocelyn saw me sitting in the back and she pulled me up front to sit right next to Paula, the Pastor’s wife, on the front row.

    It didn’t make sense. There are plenty of single women there. Why me?

    People don’t generally like me. I’m not easy. I don’t go along to get along. So this couldn’t be about me. Was God doing something?

    Then the next week came around. Of course I wanted to sit up front next to Paula again. I really respected her and wanted to know her more. But I didn’t dare take it upon myself to assume that place. It was only my third week there.

    And I wasn’t raised that way. At all. Too many examples I could provide in that regard. Suffice to say the underlying principle I operated on is a parable Jesus told as recorded in Luke 14:

    “So He told a parable to those who were invited, when He noted how they chose the best places, saying to them: ‘When you are invited by anyone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in the best place, lest one more honorable than you be invited by him; and he who invited you and him come and say to you, “Give place to this man,” and then you begin with shame to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit down in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes he may say to you, “Friend, go up higher.” Then you will have glory in the presence of those who sit at the table with you. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.’”

    So I sat all the way in the back of the church again. This time on the other side of the room. Jocelyn still found me. She asked me what I was doing sitting in the back again. I said I was shy. Which was also true, but not the complete answer. She responded by saying, “Shy people sit up front”. And then she took me by the arm and led me up front to sit next to Paula again.

    The following week, the fourth week, came around. I still didn’t want to assume I had a place next to Paula. And this time Jocelyn didn’t pull me up front. I admit I was bummed out. But it wasn’t a position I was entitled to, so I resigned myself to sitting in the back of the church like I had originally intended to do. Because all good things come to an end, right? All the connections I thought were from God must have just been flukes, right? Don’t get attached, Sarah.

    The announcements started. Everyone was sitting down. But Paula was several rows up and still going around saying hi to people. All of a sudden she saw me in the back, came over to me, lifted my up by the arm, and walked me right down the middle of the aisle, in front of everyone, all the way to the front, and sat me down next to her. I was so overwhelmed because I really am shy. So I don’t remember exactly, but knowing her, she probably then also gave me a kiss on the cheek.

    What an honor. Things like that didn’t happen to me. God would help me feel seen and heard. But not ever publicly before like that.

    So it had to be God. Because I wasn’t anything. Who was I to all these people? They didn’t know me at all. And I don’t generally fit in with people. People aren’t generally attracted to me in any capacity.

    I didn’t understand what was happening or why, but I went with it. I figured God was doing something.

    I also didn’t want any attention on me like that ever again. Especially in “the Lord’s house”. So starting the next week, I sat myself up front next to Paula every time I went to service.

    About three months passed. And I took a big leap and attended the offsite Women’s Retreat that March. Attending church two hours a week was one thing. But spending 48 hours with over 100 women was way out of my comfort zone. But I decided to embrace the experience.

    So when we were in a breakout group, I decided to open up a bit.

    Maria was leading the group. Alex was there. Several others. And we were going around the room and sharing one by one.

    I don’t even remember what the topic was, but when it was my turn, I started telling this group of, until then, strangers, that I thought God might be speaking to my heart about how I would find my future husband at this church most of us attended: Calvary Chapel San Antonio.

    Now, that might not sound like a big deal to you. But this was huge for me! I had only dated women as an adult. The last time I had ever dated or been in a relationship with a male was when I was in high school. Because in general I wasn’t attracted to almost all men. In the rare event one caught my eye, the attraction usually instantly dissipated once they opened their mouth. And I never thought I could trust a man enough to marry one. In my mind, men were rapists, pedophiles, cheaters, and liars. Dirty, nasty, sneaky, backstabbing betrayers. Users.

    So yeah, it was a huge deal for me to talk about even considering that God might be speaking to me about getting married to a man one day.

    I remember Maria telling me that she believed me when I told her that I thought I would meet my husband at Calvary Chapel San Antonio. That surprised me. If I had told my non-church going friends, I don’t think they would have been so affirming. Probably for good reason.

    But something about speaking all the words to life helped me give myself permission to start basically looking at every man in church and wondering whether he was the one God was bringing as my future husband.

    Some time went by. And I was invited to but did not attend an outreach event that was being led by a visiting preacher.

    After the event, one of the attendees came back and told me about it. She mentioned that the visiting preacher was single.

    Somehow I got it into my head that the visiting preacher must be my future husband. Even though I never met him, didn’t know what he looked like, and didn’t even know his name.

    I convinced myself that he would come back, see me, and know I was to be his future wife. I told myself all of this would happen on December 19th, 2014.

    Around the same time, I used to feel compelled to be one of the last people standing up when everyone sat down for the pastor’s time to speak at church. Up front. In front of everyone.

    The reason? I told myself that I was looking to see if my future husband was there looking for me. If I didn’t see him looking for me, I used to think maybe he was even watching the live streamed service and looking at me every time.

    That sounds really crazy. But I wonder if God gave me that thought and let me run with it, even though it appeared to be false, just so someone else would notice me when I was standing up? Someone else right there in front of me the whole time?

  • Trying Something New

    I have been trying to finish writing a particular book since December 2017. It is WAY more personal than I usually share. Which is why it is taking so long. Read: a huge amount of risk and vulnerability.

    But I feel like nothing in my life will move forward until I get it out. And I feel like nothing else really matters to me until I tell this story. Until I birth whatever healing it is that needs to come out of the sharing of the experiences in my story.

    So I’m just going to start sharing the chapters as I try to finish writing them. Maybe that will help me organize the book and see it through.

    So here are the first few words and then I’ll try to share more each day:

    I am so tired.
    I miss you.
    I really need you.
    Is there something more?
    Is there really hope?

    “Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
    Genesis 18:14

    “For with God nothing will be impossible.”
    Luke 1:37

    God can do anything. Anything, anything. Just because we can’t see how it would work out, that doesn’t mean it is impossible. Think of all that has already happened.

    I decided to try to go to church. First I tried all of the big churches in town because I didn’t want to be known. I wanted to be able to sit in the back, disappear in the crowd, and get out without anyone talking to me. But I wasn’t able to click with any of them.

    So I tried the smaller churches. Still, none of them clicked.

    But I was listening to the Christian radio station every morning while I was getting ready for work. And there was a pastor of a small church who was on the radio every morning at that time. And at the end of his program, there was a woman named May who would always say, “Do not forsake the gathering of the saints”.

    This pastor’s delivery wasn’t the type that I used to or looking for. And the church was on the complete opposite side of town from where I lived. So it didn’t make sense.

    But I kept getting the idea that maybe I should go check out this church. So I eventually drove up one time.

    But the church was located in a corner of a little strip mall. And I knew there would be no way I could go in without anyone noticing me. Someone would try to talk to me. So I drove away.

    Fast forward probably a year later. I was a Yellow Cab taxi driver at the time. And I picked up a man named Terry from Israel’s car repair shop. (The same repair shop I would later find out you took your vehicles to.) His car had to be towed back to Israel’s after Israel had already supposedly fixed it.

    Terry seemed a bit distraught. I was worried by things that he was saying that he was very despondent. I didn’t know what to do, but he had a lot of stuff from his car that he was making multiple trips to carry into his apartment. So while he was carrying one load into his apartment, I slipped a gospel CD into one of his bags.

    That CD or something else must have had my contact information on it, because Terry called me a few months later. He invited me to his church. The same church with the pastor that I had been listening to on the radio every morning.

    And the thoughts repeatedly kept coming to me to try the church again. So I finally gave in just to get them to go away. Just to take the “what if” off the table.

    I arrived to the church after the service had already started. I walked in the door and sat at the first seat I could find in the back. I remember sarcastically telling the usher, “Do you have room for one more sinner?”

    I saw a man playing electric guitar during the worship. I remember thinking how cool that was. I was a big electric guitar fan. Stevie Ray Vaughn was one of my favorites.

    Then Sam gave the announcements. I remember him talking about how the church doesn’t let their needs be known or compel people to give. That there were just boxes at the back of the room for people to put money in if they wanted to. That really impressed me.

    Immediately the church felt like home. And I hadn’t even officially met anyone yet. I just felt like I belonged there.

    At the end of the service, I spotted Terry a few rows up. I almost turned and left, but I thought I should go say hello to him. I knew he’d be disappointed if he later knew I came and didn’t say hi to him.

    They had two other earlier services. And a pretty big room for the church service. With a lot of people. So looking back, was it more than just dumb luck that I happened to pick the service Terry went to and happened to see him in the crowd?

    I walked over to him and he recognized me even though he had only seen me one time months ago. We started talking.

    Shortly the pastor’s wife, Paula, came up to us. She started talking to me. Then she took me to meet her husband, Ron – the pastor.

    Then a woman named Jocelyn came up. She was the female worship leader. As I was getting ready to leave them all, she prayed for me. I remember thinking, “Wow! All my years in church and no one has ever prayed for me like that. I didn’t even know you could pray like that!” I was blown away. And my heart even more interested in checking this place out further.

    It would be some months at least later that I would find out that Jocelyn had been a popular singer back in the day. She sang a song called “A Little Bit of Ecstasy”. And another one called “Do You Miss Me”. It blew my mind to think that I had listened to those songs on repeat when I was a teenager. It seemed like such a cool connection that God did just for me – to lead me to the church where the artist of two of my favorite songs had also ended up.

    Paula invited me that first day to go to their annual Christmas dinner that night. I laughed and asked her, “Do I have a choice?” And she said, “No.”

    I remember leaving the service that day and walking out to my car while thinking, “What have I gotten myself into?” They seemed nice. I wanted to see where this could go.

    But the Christmas dinner was a few hours away. And as each hour went by, my fear crept back in. Surely they were just being nice. It probably meant nothing. The connection was probably just imagined on my end. Right?

    So I ended up arriving late to the Christmas dinner. I snuck in the door and sat at one of the tables closest to the exit. On the outside edge of everyone.

    Somehow Paula still spotted me out of hundreds of people as she was going around the building. She came over to me, welcomed me, and took me over to meet Darlene. She told Darlene to introduce me to Julie.

    Julie was sitting at a table with a bunch of other women. Probably Tusi. Maybe Gloria? Pam? Bethany? Eva? The conversation went well. I enjoyed talking with everyone.

    But I was SO overwhelmed by everything that had happened so far that day. So I excused myself to leave the Christmas dinner.

    On my way out, I spotted a coworker – Robert. It seemed like another connection from God. That this man I respected from work, maybe one of the ones I respected most in my training class, was also attending this church. It helped lower my guard and think maybe God was really doing something here.

    So I walked out of the Christmas dinner venue. Towards my car. And I remember smiling and laughing to myself. Thinking again, “What on earth have I gotten myself into?”

    None of it made sense. I never experienced any connections like that before. It seemed like God was giving me green light after green light. So I decided I would go back and see what God had for me there.

    That first day was December 19th.