Sarah Nyhan

Taking Up Space

Writing

  • Hope

    I’ve been in a funk for a long while. Trying to figure out why. Finally stopped numbing out for long enough today to look a little deeper and face some things. Realized my little never give up balloon was almost deflated.

    Lots of deep disappointments this year. That’s the sanitized way to say it. Lots of questions. Lots of changes. Kinda knocked the wind out of my sails.

    And yet the problem isn’t really the pains. I’m no stranger to heartache. The real issue is just like the verse says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”

    I was thinking of Joseph. Having this dream. So sure it was from God. So excited to share with those closest to him. Just to be sacked and rejected. Hated. Betrayed.

    But my boy, Joseph. He didn’t give up. He worked hard. He gave all. Everything. He worked his way to the top. Tried to honor and respect everyone. And some selfish woman took advantage of his kindness. With no mercy. And the people who should have known better turned their backs on him.

    But my man, Joseph. He still doesn’t give up. He decides to make the best of it again. Works his way up through integrity and hard work. Caring for others. Again, his people leave him behind.

    I wondered. How was Joseph feeling during those last days in prison? Did he question his sanity? Did he question God? Was he ready to throw in the towel on the dream he thought he was given? Was he trying to figure out what went wrong?

    He was in prison. The farthest distance away from the promise he had been given. How many of us have been there? How crazy does it feel to hold onto a hope that looks ridiculously impossible?

    But I just can’t give up on my God. The second half of that verse: “…but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” Joseph was promoted out of the pit to the palace in one day. He went from absolutely nothing to everything in one day.

    Not all of us are going to be a Joseph. But maybe all of us will have Joseph-like dreams and Joseph-like experiences of our own.

    I think of all the babies that I know that have been born to people who tried unsuccessfully for years to conceive. I think of the marriages that have been restored after appearing completely decimated. I think of all the beautiful amazing wonderful people God has let me cross paths with. I think of all the provision. All the blessings. All the protection. All the times when doors opened beyond my ability.

    That doesn’t make the hurts any less painful. But it helps put another foot forward. And another. And another.

    At the end of the day I find myself completely dependent on God. Finally giving up on my own strength. In fits and starts. More and more moments of resting in Him. When I stop numbing long enough to bring Him my anxieties.

    He doesn’t ask me for anything. He just keeps reminding me of His goodness. 💞

    “Tripped on my stepping stone; got up and kept on going…”

    Prayer: I want to be content, but I don’t want to stop and settle for camping just outside the Promised Land. Please help me go all the way in. Thank You for Your love!

  • Any Dependency

    When things ring true often enough, I start depending on them versus God. He seems to keep frustrating any dependency on anyone that starts to mushroom.

    When I can see objectively through my disappointments, I’m thankful for Him drawing me into relationship with Him. Something I was previously terrified of and avoided.

  • John 3:30

    “He must increase, but I must decrease.”

    I am at the point in my life where I want to attend a church, as we commonly think of churches, only if the speaker is explaining the Bible. Versus using the Bible mainly to extrapolate application for behavior modification.

    I used to treat the Bible as more of a manual for how I should behave. In the sense of how I can make an angry god happy with me so I can get what I want. Whether that was going to heaven or whatever else I wanted in this world. Now I call that witchcraft. Just trying to manipulate God.

    Now I see the Bible as a collection of writings designed to lead me to know and experience who God is and who I am in Him.

    So when I go to church, I want to hear and learn about God versus yet another sermon on what I should and should not do to manipulate God. As if He is the American concept of Santa Claus.

    I think, just like in The Garden, we have two approaches to how we view our existence. Either by grace from an awesome Creator who we have never been separated from. Or by the long, long hard road of works. Where if you are the least bit “successful”, then you can torture yourself for years until you finally burn out and realize you are unable to hold it all together.

    I’ve “lived” by my works most of my life. Finally beginning to flourish by embracing God’s grace.

    Prayer: Please help me, Father. To quiet my mind and rest in You. Thank You for Your love.

  • John 3:30

    “He must increase, but I must decrease.”

    I am at the point in my life where I want to attend a church, as we commonly think of churches, only if the speaker is explaining the Bible versus using the Bible mainly to extrapolate application for behavior modification.

    I used to treat the Bible as more of a manual for how I should behave. In the sense of how I can make an angry god happy with me so I can get what I want. Whether that was going to heaven or whatever else I wanted in this world. Now I call that witchcraft. Just trying to manipulate God.

    Now I see the Bible as a collection of writings designed to lead me to know and experience who God is and who I am in Him.

    So when I go to church, I want to hear and learn about God versus yet another sermon on what I should and should not do to manipulate God as if He is the American concept of Santa Claus.

    I think just like in The Garden, we have two approaches to how we view our existence. Either by grace from an awesome Creator who we have never been separated from. Or by the long, long hard road of works. Where if you are the least bit “successful”, then you can torture yourself for years until you finally burn out and realize you are unable to hold it all together.

    I’ve “lived” by my works most of my life. Finally beginning to flourish by embracing God’s grace.

    Prayer: Please help me, Father. To quiet my mind and rest in You. Thank You for Your love.

  • LIVE!

    In the past few months it was like a door opened and a flood of new information swept me along a wonderful path. And then almost as suddenly, the flood of information was reduced to a steady few choice morsels here and there.

    I was a bit spoiled. I wanted to stay in that place of being so consumed.

    Was I doing something wrong? Or worse, was the good news wrong?

    I think the answer I keep getting is: LIVE!

    There is a safety of sorts in staying in that space of constant pursuit of answers. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I love that space. Just that maybe the times for digging are ultimately for increased being.

    For total consumption today with complete assurance of a whole new fresh banquet tomorrow. We are beloved children of a very rich King. Not orphans of heart resigned to hoarding unpredictable handouts.

    I find myself unintentionally bringing my old thinking to this new way. By assuming it’s up to me to keep the gig going. For me and for others. We had to coerce people in the old way because, was that news really good? I mean, really?

    I keep getting: “LIVE!” That He has everybody else. That it’s not up to me. That the point is for everyone to encounter and experience for themselves. Versus a heavier emphasis on knowing and/or doing.

    Something I cannot force on others. Something I can maybe best communicate by example. By simply living loved.

    For the first time ever, I feel content to take what I know and just LIVE! To enjoy the anticipation of new encounters, not just new knowledge. For answers that can only come from experience.

    A whole new way for this person who has lived in her head her whole life. Freedom.

    But also some anxiety. So, I just put myself out there without my security blanket of the illusion of control gained from attempting to accurately predict how all this will play out?

    Again, back to The Garden. Back to relationship. Back to the key questions. Is He good? Can I trust Him? Does it all depend on me?

    I never had any part in being born into this beautiful mystery. How could I think it’s up to me to keep it all going and together?

  • Live

    In the past few months it was like a door opened and a flood of new information swept me along a wonderful path. And then almost as suddenly, the flood of information was reduced to a steady few choice morsels here and there.

    I was a bit spoiled. I wanted to stay in that place of being so consumed.

    Was I doing something wrong? Or worse, was the good news wrong?

    The answer I think I keep getting is: LIVE!

    There is a safety of sorts in staying in that space of constant pursuit of answers. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I love that space. Just that maybe the times for digging are ultimately for increased being.

    For total consumption today with complete assurance of a whole new fresh banquet tomorrow. We are beloved children of a very rich King. Not orphans of heart resigned to hoarding unpredictable handouts.

    I find myself unintentionally bringing my old thinking to this new way by assuming it’s up to me to keep the gig going. For me and for others. We had to coerce people in the old way because, was that news really good? I mean, really?

    I keep getting: LIVE! That He has everybody else. That it’s not up to me. That the point is for everyone to encounter and experience for themselves. Versus a heavier emphasis on knowing and/or doing.

    Something I cannot force on others. Something I can maybe best communicate by example. By simply living loved.

    I feel for the first time ever content to take what I know and just LIVE! To enjoy the anticipation of new encounters; not just new knowledge. For answers that can only come from experience.

    A whole new way for this person who has lived in her head her whole life. Freedom.

    But also some anxiety. So, I just put myself out there without my security blanket of the illusion of control gained from attempting to accurately predict how all this will play out?

    Again, back to The Garden. Back to relationship. Back to the key questions. Is He good? Can I trust Him? Does it all depend on me?

    I never had any part in being born into this beautiful mystery. How could I think it’s up to me to keep it all going and together?

  • Bad Theology

    “Bad theology is like pornography—the imagination of a real relationship without the risk of one. It tends to be transactional and propositional rather than relational and mysterious. You don’t have to trust Person, or care for Person. It becomes an exercise in self-gratification that ultimately dehumanizes the self and the community of humanity in order to avoid the painful processes of humbling and trusting.” – Richard Rohr