Apartment living: when your neighbors smoke so much that you seriously consider turning off the HVAC system so you don’t risk failing a drug test. 😑 And I actually pay good money for this place. Not even in a bad neighborhood or a sketchy complex. SMH. Motivation to hustle.

I’m generally a bit of a Grinch in terms of apathy toward the holiday season, but now that all of my biological family officially resides outside of Texas and my marital status is single, there was temptation to throw a pity party during Christmas. In addition, the timing of the loss of my full-time job and the loss of a new part-time job was a significant blow. And there are other disappointments.

BUT: God! My prayer on Christmas was for Him to help me see all the good in my life, not just the difficult things. And He truly filled my heart with gratitude and joy. Only to prove a point, not to gloat: one big blessing was being invited to multiple Christmas celebrations. And so many other tangible expressions of love and generosity from others during this time and in my life as a whole.

Learning to let go of my agenda and be open to embracing uncertainty. Doesn’t mean the hurts don’t hurt. But I don’t want to live camped out with my feet planted immovable in the mud of my unmet expectations. Praying for God’s perspective on each moment. For I now truly believe He loves us more than we feel and continues to work with whatever we give Him for our good.

Thanks to some fabulous freedom found this year through new insight into Him, I’m learning not to deep dive when depressing emotional funks threaten to drown my determination.

Learning instead to stop, stay silent, sit still, and seek out where my thinking went off the rails. Specifically, where did I lose sight of God’s goodness? Where did I start to doubt Him? And then ask for help getting back on track. Not on the performance track. But back to seeing how He sees and being in His love.

Am I some ethereal saint always living high on happy thoughts? Hardly. Enough unspoken challenges to keep me on my toes and sufficiently humble me. Just sharing to encourage anyone else who can relate.

I’m studying the word “sarx”. I am nowhere near ready to articulate a complete explanation of my thoughts with any authority. However, just for the sake of discussion for any that are interested, at this time these are the unfiltered wonderings of my heart:

We are usually taught that The death of Jesus on The Cross satisfied God, but what if The death of Jesus on The Cross satisfied us, humans? For when Adam accused God of being wrong in giving him Eve, did God take it upon Himself to jump inside our logic with His Logos in order to redeem our view of Him? And in doing so, redeem us? My thought being that any wrong thinking about God may cause us to cease to exist? So He gives us life by becoming the right logic inside of us? Not sinners in the hands of an angry God, but rather God in the hands of angry sinners? In us killing Him, did we all die but also rise again through His resurrection? The second Adam redeeming all of the first Adam? For everyone?

If someone invited you as a guest to their house, it would just be common courtesy to show appreciation in some way to acknowledge their generosity. Whether it be to bring them a gift, contribute to the meal, or offer to help prepare or clean up. Whatever it was, it would mean most if done naturally, authentically.

That’s the picture I believe God gave me to set me free from the horrible teachings on tithing that I’ve been exposed to over the years. There are so many awful teachings associated with tithing including it being a way to manipulate God, pay for wrong doing, etc.

I now see it very differently. I see it like if I choose to meet with people in a particular building, and someone goes to all the trouble to host me, then I want to show my appreciation by contributing in some way. That’s it.

On the flip side, if someone invites me to their house under the guise of me being their guest, and then they demand or try to guilt-trip me into giving them money or doing things for them, or try to sell me stuff, I will feel betrayed and used and stay far away from them. Especially if they do it in God’s name.

I enjoy hosting a Bible study in my place. I enjoy preparing a meal for everyone. I never want people to feel pressured to bring or do anything. They are my guests. I hate the word “serve” because there is a connotation of duty versus joy, but for the sake of proving a point – I am happy to “serve” them and I don’t invite them to my house to serve me. In fact, I make it a point to tell people not to feel pressure to bring or do anything specifically because I don’t want there to be any question about my motives. I want them to know that I am excited to just be with them discussing God.

But if they of their own hearts offer to bring a dish or help me clean up – would it be wrong of me to accept their generosity in return? Of course not. And in agreement with a preacher I recently heard, I now think that’s all Paul meant when he talked to the church about tithing. I think people were accusing him of selling the gospel because he accepted gifts, and he was saying wait a minute guys, this is common courtesy. I don’t think he ever spoke about tithing as a right to demand that people give or as a license to fleece the lambs in the flock.

Wow. Just found this as I was organizing paperwork. I’m not sure how long ago I wrote this. Sometime in the past year and a half. But it has certainly been answered. It really is true: seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you. God is faithful. And so kind. It’s our thinking that is messed up. Just like in The Garden. Thank You, God! 💞

Thankful so much for everyone’s prayers. After some cooking therapy yesterday, my mind settled down, my joy returned, and my mojo came back. Was in a much better place today. Very thankful. Had kind of a breakthrough yesterday evening:

Realized job hunting is emotionally exhausting in part because it is like dating. Opening yourself up to rejection over and over. Hits that shame button inside.

I was to the point where I wasn’t even eating almost at all. You know, that perfectionist sh!+. Like if I’m perfect then all will be well in the world. No more pain. Well, you’d think after almost 40 years of doing this that I’d have figured out that doesn’t work. But it’s like the final frontier of healing. Old habits die hard.

So the breakthrough came when I gave up. In a sense. I basically said I don’t have the energy to be perfect. And that’s just going to have to be ok. Because I can only give what I have to give. Just do my best and trust God. Because for once in my life I know He loves me.

Then this whole slew of insights opened up to me about related things. Like crap people have told me over the years. Like a former so-called good friend telling me my most redeemable quality is that I accept abuse. And another former so-called good friend telling me the only way my dream guy would be matched up with me is if he got me as punishment for something he did wrong.

All those “you are not enough”s. That $h!+ hurts. And seeps its way down into your soul. And you do all kinds of crap to outrun the shame you hide in. Unconsciously, like second nature. Times like job hunting just push all those defense mechanisms to the breaking point.

Realized I think the big lesson I’ve been learning for the last SEVEN years is deeper on that same level: All this time I’ve been trying to earn God’s love or His blessings. To be worthy. And I finally get it: He’s not like that. At all. I’m a slow learner. Or maybe I rather had too many years of wrong teaching/examples.

I was so excited when my brain was able to hold all of this and think about it last night. I decided to be bold and pray big prayers. Cause God is big and I’m His kid. Not because I deserve or have earned anything. I decided to ask for my dream jobs. And ask for my dream husband. Not perfect. Just perfect for me.

And just like I’m tired of trying to earn God’s love, I’m tired of trying to earn anyone else’s love. It’s not personal with people in work or dating. They don’t even know me. And even if so, my worth isn’t based on being liked. Some like vanilla, some chocolate, and I’m a bit more like rainbow sherbert. Not everyone’s cup of tea. So no more crying over rejection. Well, easier said than done, eh? But you get the point. I want the people who want me. Doesn’t mean be lazy. Means being ok with being my best me. Not trying to be anybody else.

Ever since I was a kid I prayed I could be like Enoch. I’ve wanted to be that close to God. Always found it intriguing that there is almost nothing written about Enoch in the whole Bible. Yet he is one of what, only two people to get taken up without dying. I mean – whoa?!?! Job gets what, 40+ chapters and he died a regular death. But my man, Enoch.

Well I had an epiphany last night. All that is said is Enoch walked with God. Remember The Garden? That’s how it was designed to be all along. That is life. Just walking with God. That’s how it was before everything got messed up. It’s not about performing or pretending. Such a simple freeing thought. I was so thankful. Probably not explaining it well but that hope just filled me with so much joy. Really is a light and easy load.

What would you do if you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that you were loved? The kind of love that would chase you down the darkest farthest road to bring you back? The kind of love that doesn’t ask you to do and rejoices to see you be? Children of a most high King indeed.

I jammed out to some music. Enjoyed the beautiful kiss of this morning’s sunset. Soaked in the love of beautiful people God has put in my life. Ate and thoroughly enjoyed some good food today. And decided to share this for anyone who can relate.

After my employer went out of business, I thought that I clearly felt God was encouraging me to just give Trinity two weeks – just write for two weeks. Don’t look for jobs, don’t worry about money. Just write.

Well, I started but then all the doubts came in.

It didn’t make sense.

Because I wasn’t raised that way – just to sit and write with no income coming in. With bills and debts to pay. Because it’s up to me, correct?

And so the cycle began. For three and a half years. One foot in, one foot out. A divided house.

I’d feverishly apply for jobs. Hundreds of them. I’d get offered these seemingly fantastic opportunities. Over and over.  But then I’d show up to do the work and everything would go to hell. It was like no matter how hard I tried, the door would always close in my face every time.

It didn’t make sense.

Every time I’d try to let go of the writing idea, it would come back stronger than before. It’s not that I didn’t want to write. I absolutely wanted to write. I just didn’t trust God. It seemed too good to be true that He could want me to write as badly as I wanted to write.

So much more to say, but long story short, I was constantly running from my fears. Until I found myself, yet again, cornered. All the fears I was running from were staring me right in the face.

So, I gave up. I finally gave up.

Because I was so tired.

I wasn’t sure writing was the right thing to do, but it was the only thing I hadn’t fully tried.

“A book, Lord?” When I have mountains of bills and debt?

It didn’t make sense. But I finally sat down to finish it.

For one person. The person I originally had in mind – the person I most wanted to share all these things with. From the beginning. A person who hadn’t initiated conversation with me in over four years.

It didn’t make sense!

I have no guarantees for a specific outcome. I am committing myself to His character. Surrendering. Giving into the mystery. Letting go.