Wed 1/31/2018 10:43 PM

Ok, Dr. Mentor. The last time you took me to you out to hunt, we talked and you said you were being vulnerable with me, so I’m going to do my best to be honest here. I feel a great amount of fear in doing so.

First of all I am ashamed of dropping the ball with working with you. Initially you saw my best self but then everything fell apart. There were several reasons. Yes, I need to focus on my physical health. But I finally realized it was mental stuff that was blocking me. I told you I needed to work through that stuff. What I’m going to share is part of what I faced. There is a lot more I need to face with other areas of my life. But I just feel like out of respect for you and in order for my best self to be able to work with you again, I need to be forthcoming about what’s going on in my head. So, storytime…

When you first offered to be my mentor on my first day of college, I wasn’t sure what to make of you. I had this feeling that you were a salesman through and through. But that you had a lot of wisdom also. I remember you introducing yourself to the classes. I thought it was cool how you showed your support for the teachers. You talked them up quite a bit but I thought it was good that you were showing a united front for your team. I could see the Real Estate Law teacher still thought very highly of you. Seemed to still be under your “spell”. But it seemed like Ms. Ph.D. was unfazed. She seemed like her own woman. Like she didn’t worship you like Ms. Law did. You seemed like you could read people very well.

When you came in the study room and offered to be my mentor, I didn’t know what to make of that. Part of me wanted to believe you were serious, part of me was scared that you had ulterior motives. I didn’t take you up on it because I had reservations about you even though I wanted a mentor.

Dr. Jonathan would always tell me he wished he had a mentor. Finally one day I told him you had offered to be my mentor. He told me to take you up on it. Actually we talked over two hours about it. Finally I agreed to talk to take you up on your offer only with the understanding that if you tried anything inappropriate with me then Jonathan would have to be there for me.

So I went and reminded you about your offer to be my mentor and we started talking. At first it was just real estate but we quickly started talking about life stuff. You cut to the chase very quickly which I respected. You had a lot of good wisdom which I also respected. I also admired you for how much you accomplished in your career. I thought you were a really good teacher also.

Something happened somewhere along the way. As I look back on it now, my safety switch got triggered. I didn’t address it then so here we are now. I feel like at first you respected me but then I lost respect in your eyes, probably as I revealed more of myself, the messier parts. Versus keeping it 100% professional. I followed your lead to get more personal but maybe you didn’t really like what you saw? I felt a shift. A slight shift that got this ball rolling.

I didn’t admit it to myself then but I felt unsafe when you told a story about a guy who came hunting to your ranch and you didn’t identify him by name but you kinda wrote him up like a fool and he would know if he read it. I guess I felt like you were making the story at his expense. Exposing him in a way that would shame him. I kinda questioned you about it and I felt like I saw a big shift in your eyes to me then. Like I changed from being a person to being an object in your other world. The other world where people are like pawns to be played. Like you closed off your real self to them.

I think it was shortly after that when we were in your office one time and for some reason you brushed my arm with your hand in a way that felt like a test. I registered it but it left me so confused and sad. At the time I just acted like I ignored it. But inside I was reeling. I felt like it was done in anger from you towards me. I felt like I had lost a lot of respect in your eyes. I felt like I was losing the first you that had talked to me. I was hopeful that you’d see something different in me that would help you put me back to where you first saw me. Like I’m not trying to use you. I just want to be there for whatever you’d like to share.

I think it was after that when the semester ended. I sent you an email before the next semester but you didn’t reply. I felt like something was really wrong. It wasn’t like you not to reply. I was worried. I felt like something bad had happened to you. Sure enough we learned you had your scare that landed you in the hospital. I was so glad you were ok.

I felt like that health scare really kicked you. I don’t know if it was the pain meds or your real self with your guards down but I liked what I saw. I could see you really loved your grandma mostly and then moments where I could see the love you have for your wife and even your son. But then as the semester went on it seemed like you’d express frustration towards them in ways. I couldn’t figure out who the real Dr. Mentor was. I couldn’t figure out if it was you or the pain meds or the physical pain speaking.

I got scared when you talked about your wife and your son like you did. I got scared when you told that black student to stand on the chair with the “leave him hanging” comment. I was really scared with that. I felt like you were smart enough to know that was wrong on some level. I felt like you had some underlying resentment towards black people. Maybe from seeing people advance through affirmative action versus merit throughout your career? I just felt like there was something a little evil in the way you did that even if you were not conscious of it. Like you knew but you set it up in such a way that it could be denied as just using the guy because he was athletic. That really scared me. But then I was confused when you later apologized to him in front of the class. It felt like there had to be a lot of good in you to even address it publicly but I felt on another level like you weren’t being 100% genuine in your apology. My walls were definitely going up.

I was confused when you invited me to speak at the TRETA conference. At first I was honored but then I was confused by your reaction at the conference. It seemed like you were backing off from me. Part of me wondered if you expected me to play a certain part and then what transpired didn’t play out according to your plan. Part of me felt like maybe you didn’t want me to do as well as I did on the stage. Like it would have been better for me to appear weak? I was really confused. I was trying to give you the utmost respect and I felt like you didn’t see me. More of my walls started going up.

I think it was after that when I asked you if I could do the app for your co-op class. I was excited you said yes and super excited that you offered to work on it with me as a real business after I graduated. I was hoping you would want to. When you invited me to your house to talk about it, I…

The theme of loads continues. My new apartment is on the third floor. I arrive home in the evenings and there is no parking near the building. So, I work to make every trip count.

Tonight I had three trips to make up the stairs. The first two trips, I carried too much. Each time I took an overloaded laundry basket and a super stuffed duffle bag. I had to stop multiple times going up the stairs to put the loads down and redistribute the weight in order to keep going.

I had to take a long break before I made the final trip. As I was making the final climb, I was thinking: it probably took more total time to complete my three heavy trips than it probably would have taken to make five or six light trips. And I wouldn’t be so tired at the end.

My approach to the stairs has also been my approach to life. For years my brain has been in non-stop hustle mode: push, push, push. Always to the maximum. Most recently, I spent the past two years working full-time and going to school mostly full-time while also trying to start several projects and businesses. And I was seeing a lot of good progress.

But then, just like with the stairs, my body called time out. The spirit definitely is willing, but the flesh needs attention.

I’ve been slowly accepting the fact that the theme for awhile has been self-care. Initially I just wanted to add it on as another plate to spin. But just like with the stairs, my overall productivity was reduced dramatically; I had to stop over and over again to regroup.

For the past few months it was to the point where I was literally praying every day for time off to focus on getting myself back in order. Well, I was expecting something like the winning lotto numbers. But instead, my company went out of business.

Forgive me while I geek out here. I am learning about load paths in my AutoCAD class. Basically, the idea of load paths is that you build a house in such a way as to transfer the energy of a force to the foundation. That way the force doesn’t destroy all the other little parts of the house that cannot withstand the force on their own.

See where I am going with this? Makes me so happy. Lol. 😀 God built this Creation. He is our foundation. Think about the verse where Jesus says His load is easy and His burden is light. When we rest on Him as our foundation, instead of resting in our own strength, we can then transfer every force through us and onto Him. Then we won’t be shaken down. He doesn’t expect us to be able to hold it all together on our own. How cool!?

I was talking to someone yesterday about why I don’t go back to certain things from my past. Those things in the past were making me sick and I’m not willing to trade my current health for the comforts from the past.

I had the thought that my current apartment situation is a perfect metaphor. The one picture is part of the ceiling in the bathroom of my old apartment that was making me sick.

The other picture is of my current sleeping situation in the new apartment while I wait for my furniture to be delivered on Friday.

From my friend’s perspective, maybe it looks like I am missing out right now. But even in spite of all my current challenges, I am happier now than I’ve been in 16 years. I have more peace of mind, heart, and soul than I’ve ever had. It’s not always easy but I have way more joy and true freedom than before.

Just like with my apartment, some of the same, but mostly out with the old and in with the new. I settled for less before. Out of desperation. But God is delivering me and giving me a better, higher view.

Just like with my apartment, my life is now stripped down to the bare essentials. Compared to the past, it looks empty in certain ways. But it will be filled again in due time.

But the best of all: I CAN BREATHE! All the pain of barely sleeping on these pillows pales in comparison to being able to wake up and BREATHE and not feel sick. Similarly mainly in the spiritual sense, I was uncomfortable for awhile but it has all been worth it because I don’t feel sick in my mind anymore. My heart doesn’t hurt in the same ways anymore. And I am finally FREE.

A great gift from a beautiful friend. Another hug of encouragement from ☝. So cool. 💖📒✒

The theme that keeps popping up for me the past week is: trust.

Trust as in give problems to God and don’t take them back. Let Him fight my battles.

Trust as in abide. Don’t try to do life in my own strength. Bring Him everything. Even the worst stuff. Over and over. He doesn’t get tired of me. He’s not too busy for me. Turn off the electronics, music, everything. Sit still. Read to be reminded of His character. Versus using the Bible as a crystal ball. And then listen.

Trust as in act. I’ve felt led several times recently to make decisions that involved no guarantees and significant risk. In each situation, after I made the difficult decision, I felt like I was only then given new direction for the next step. Along with understanding as to why I was being led to make the difficult decision in the first place. And then also understanding as to why I needed to make the decision and act before knowing why.

Always about trust. Not to measure me. But to increase my experiential knowledge of how trustworthy He is. For greater enjoyment and intimacy I think. Versus some sick game.

I used to think the story about Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac was God testing Abraham. Now I see it as rather a beautiful picture of God saying, “I know your deepest fears. I know where you get stuck. I want more for you than you want for yourself. I know that you are going to initially view this through the lens of thinking I AM asking you to perform versus this being an invitation to test Me. To know Me more and better. To know My great love for you. My ways are higher than your ways. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts. I want to bust up the box you think you can put Me in. I want you to see Me and My love as so much bigger than what you have settled for.”

And the best lesson about trust? I don’t have to get anything right. If I make the wrong decision, if I do the wrong thing, if I’m too scared to risk… trust He won’t leave me or forsake me. Just let Him love me.