tell me where you are
if you even know
call to me
so i can direct my gaze

i wonder if you are hidden like the rest

i guess i wreck
i guess i am broken that way

truth is a scorching desert day
you can barely open your eyes
enough to see it
and i keep
crawling down this burning highway
hoping you are not a mirage

I was telling someone the other day that the initial response religious people tend to give me when I tell them that I believe everyone is already included is then that means I am telling people they can do whatever they want. Yes, that is true – but not complete.

Previously I thought everything was transactional. So if I did X then God was supposed to do Y. Or if God did Y then I received X. There was even some talk of the devil, but he was still on God’s leash per se.

Now I see differently with this already included knowledge. I’m not completely settled yet on God having a totally hands-off approach with humans. But regardless, we still have a great measure of freedom that we are accountable for. For really the first time in my life I am now taking responsibility for my choices. With complete freedom comes complete responsibility. I am waking up and realizing that I have been the cause of special slices of literal hell that I have experienced.

Even if there are contributing factors, I get to decide to a certain extent how long I want to let those circumstances define my narrative and the quality of my life. For example, there may be things that are outside of my control that are the reason that I started gaining weight and have continued to hold onto that weight. Fair enough. However, at what point do I allow those factors to define the rest of my story? At what point do I say I want a better life and take the steps that are now in my control and do what I can do to feel better?

This has been a shock to my entire mode of being. If I didn’t have the hope and love of Jesus then I would be overwhelmed by the magnitude of what this means for my life.

However, there has been another unexpected benefit from the realization that I am responsible for many if not all of my actions, decisions, etc. That great surprise to me is that for maybe the first time in my life, I feel empowered to also hold others responsible for their choices and in turn not accept people treating me poorly. Let me clarify a little more:

I experience being treated poorly for specifically what I believe about God and this already included message. I have been dismissed and treated as a heretic. And there is a certain level of acceptance of that behavior because it’s kinda part of the gig when you sign up for this line of thinking.

As much as I’d like to think that people who I previously knew as mostly rational would process what I am presenting from a logical perspective, the whole point in the first place is that they are blind. And they are blinded in a large part by fear. So when I go dancing around all that fear then logic has a tendency to fly out the window. Instead, people’s responses reflect their wrong thinking.

To a certain measure, I can accept their reactions without reacting or holding it against them. For instance, when my friends suddenly label me as deceived, a heretic, with the devil and false teachers – ok, that is really sad and pushes all of my buttons, but I don’t have to react. I can put my ego aside to a large extent and trust them to the Holy Spirit. If anything, that is a certain “cross” we bear as we walk in the steps of Jesus.

Yet, there is a fine line there. Even though they disagree with me, there is a still a certain level of human-to-human respect that I think is healthy and kind to expect from them. They can be adamant with their disagreement with me, but that shouldn’t automatically translate into me permitting them to treat me poorly. Or me excusing their poor behavior due to their theology.

Shouldn’t it be the opposite? In theory, if their theology is so great, shouldn’t the love be expressed even more so?

To permit them to treat me poorly is to enable them to repeat how religious people of so many times have managed to alienate so many from the God they claim loves them. It is religious groups going in and attempting to justify their abuse of indigenous peoples by their “unbelief”. In the extreme, it is Hitler “cleansing” the Jews.

As a human, I have to stand up to that wrong behavior. Previously I thought I was “suffering for the cause of Christ” when I put up with it without resisting.

There is the fine line. Yes, I suffer for the cause of Christ, but enabling you to continue to hurt me – without resisting – is now in my opinion where things go awry. Where the grace, love, and acceptance of this already included message goes too far.

To attempt to glorify my inaction in the name of Jesus is in some way blasphemy. This walk requires courage that is infused only by the life abundant that we fully experience as we embrace the kingdom of God being truly at hand. To back down from that – and I only speak for myself – is hiding the light in me out of fear; taking the salt out of my life. It is letting fear be my god, not God. It is blasphemy in that respect.

Are we not beloved children? I must stand with David. What these Goliaths are saying is not ok. To be silent – how can I? If this means Pilot’s wife accuses me of rape and I get sent to prison, well – I have Joseph’s life as my hope. If this means I have to be bold like Esther, it is only the love of God that empowers me. To stand by and not say anything – what then is the point of this life? This Promised Land is already mine. Will I turn back now? After I’ve been brought so far?

And so because I believe in the unending love of Christ, that does not mean I sign up to be your whipping boy with no reservations. Jesus did all that ever needed to be done in that respect. He tells me not to continue to throw my pearls before swine. They will trample me. He tells me to turn away and go find others when you run me out of town. And there are others, thank God.

May I still be stoned like Steven? It wouldn’t surprise me. As much as I dislike it, I now see why Paul says it is an honor to experience these sufferings – while at the same time wishing with all my heart that those accusers would be friends again “in the faith”.

At the end of the day, not all will be converted in this life. And that’s not my responsibility. But, I am responsible for what I extent I submit myself to your treatment of me. That is the short of it.

And in making that decision, I ask myself: “to what end?” Yes, call me all the names in the book. But to what end does it serve me to not call you out on your logic and keep submitting to your hurtful behaviors towards me? Am I then not some martyr on a cross but rather just simply appeasing you so that I don’t have to face your wrath?

And resisting doesn’t necessarily mean reacting. Resisting doesn’t necessarily mean confronting or speaking up. All of those may happen. Hopefully organically with an abundance of love. With a heart for healing and restoration. Is it not God’s passionate wrath that refuses to give up on us also?

Resisting simply means for me most of the time, a renewed effort to live more honestly. To at least address the elephants in the room. And to protect the freedom and truth that lives inside of me. Not to force it on others. But to be vigilant to not allow anything that threatens this new life to setup camp in my space. Whether internal or external.

These boundaries change as I grow. I still feel like I am in the early stages. Much like how you care for a newborn infant. You protect it from most of the elements.

Yet, even in a year I can see growth in being able to sit more with others in silence and let them be where they are. When called for. Trusting God loves them more than I ever could.

Outright bad behavior that does not have any direct correlation to treating me differently because of my beliefs is also impacted by this already included message sinking deeper into my heart. I am referencing your typical human who has probably been hurt in the past and learned how to obtain a measure of power and control by then hurting others before they ever risk vulnerability. As much as I attempt to understand it, bad behavior is still wrong.

Before, I felt like I was encouraged by religious leaders to accept outright abuse in the name of Christ. That it was somehow to God’s glory if I allowed someone to mistreat me. Somehow allowing them to continue hurting me was incorrectly labeled as forgiveness and love. Blasphemy!

Even our precious Bible says God disciplines those He loves and judgement begins in the house of the Lord. And to spare the rod is to hate the child. Yet, as Paul references in the New Testament, there are wolves that have manipulated us because we allowed guilt to speak louder than God in our lives.

Now that I understand the TRUE love of God, i have found the courage to even hold the kings of this earth accountable for treating people kindly. Nevermind their position calling them to an even higher standard, to lead by example.

This is so empowering. And yet the difficulty in pinning is that there is no formula. The child throwing a temper tantrum is not going to get the same treatment as the calculating adult who knows better, or even the blundering adult who claims not to know better.

How I approach each situation is going to be different. And how each person responds to being told they are doing something hurtful is also going to factor into how I proceed further. I can stick around longer when there is proof of a person’s desire to change and do better. Even as they fumble through the process.

All these things have always mattered. Most of the religious leaders told me otherwise. Maybe because they had their own demons they hadn’t faced. Maybe in teaching acceptance of abuse, they then excused themselves from having to confronting difficult people.

Whatever the reason, if I know better then I need to do better. I absolutely do not want to confront anyone either. But this responsibility works both ways. Not only am I responsible for what I do, but I am also responsible, as much as I have the power to do so, for what I allow others to do to me. And that in turn means I am holding them more accountable and more responsible for their behavior and choices.

Some of those who speak this “grace message” are still human. They have been raised and allowed to treat people a certain way. Old habits die hard. Especially when unchallenged.

I don’t care if everything we say is true, this message is most loudly communicated relationally in how we treat other people. Especially those we claim to love. And having the right answers doesn’t exempt us from living this out.

What does it matter if this message only enters our brain and not our heart? That is like the group of Israelites who chose to camp right outside the Promised Land. They battle with us but won’t go in. There is still plenty of territory to be claimed.

How great is this love! But if you still won’t let it in then you are blind. If you still squirrel away fears and vulnerabilities under fig leaves then what is the point of so much studying? This applies to me first.

This is real life and living. There seems to be a false security in the confines of religious doctrine and practice. I can wrap my mind around theology.

But true freedom in Christ is as if I suddenly went from primary colors to accessing the entire spectrum. Now life is not based on what rules we keep. Now what matters most is who we are. All our choices matter.

What will we do will all of this? We start with ourselves and whatever is in front of us. The adventure only just beginning.

So what is this all about? Participating in the conversation. About who God is, who we are, and how all of that fits together.

I’ve been on a really long journey, the most interesting adventure of my life. I want this Already Included space to hopefully become more of a community. A place where people can dial in at their convenience from wherever for conversation with like-minded seekers.

The information I would like to discuss here has caused people to push me away. I have been craving connection and community as I experienced before. I imagine there are others across the world who are in a similar situation. I hope this Already Included space might develop into somewhat of a harbor for them. Even if just for a season. I trust Holy Spirit to do the heavy lifting.

In my vision so far, I see this as being a place where I will take more of a systematic approach towards sharing what I have learned. I have some ideas, but it is going to take time and testing to figure out what that will look like.

My immediate goal is to invite others to comment and connect. I hope later to formally invite others to share or join me in sharing. And if time and resources permit, long-term I hope to eventually comb through the conversation and develop a more concise definition of what I now believe, why, and how it is different from other ways of seeing.

First of all this is about relationship with God and others. I think most people discussing religion have drastically underestimated God and we have lost ourselves because of that. We have lost connection with each other. I think God is way bigger than most dare to hope. I’m excited to hopefully explain why I believe that.

Perfect love casts out fear.

That’s all for now. Thank you for your time.

I wrote: I didn’t see you today at [church]. I saw S. I was wondering if you could pass this on to him also and thank him for his welcome today.

I’ve been on a journey. I miss you all so much. But I feel like I’m in danger of losing what I’ve gained if I listen to the current teaching at [church].

I know R and you all love God. That is not in question.

I happened to run across this video tonight. It is the best explanation I’ve heard so far of what I’ve been learning and my journey. Especially the part about the priest and sacrifice. I’d love your opinion if you listen.
https://youtu.be/to4axvow9YM

She wrote: I’m so sad that I missed you yesterday. HUGS!

I could only listen to half of your link. My advice would be to stop listening to this guy. He’s a false teacher. He is taking scripture out of context and is twisting it to make it say what he wants his listeners to hear. It’s sad, but he does not have the heart of Jesus, and he is leading people astray. Keep coming to [church] and if you don’t like our church, go to a church who teaches the Word verse by verse, getting the proper context. It’s vitally important. We love you and miss you!!!

I wrote: Thanks for replying. Good to hear from you. Love you and miss you all very much. I don’t know this guy like you seem to. But I’ve listened to him a few times and didn’t come away with the conclusion you did. But no problems disagreeing. However, if you’re interested in sharing more about what you theological points you disagreed with, I’d be interested.

She wrote: Well, I don’t have time to go into details on a false teacher, but clearly this guy is a universalist. He believes that all beliefs go toward heaven. This would make the Bible out to be a liar. All scripture is given by God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All throughout the Bible men and women were given a choice…choose you this day whom you will serve. It’s a choice. We have to choose Jesus…not Mohammad, or any other god. It’s all about Jesus.

I wrote: Thank you for responding, D. I respect your decision not to watch, but I don’t think it is fair to judge what he is saying without hearing him out completely. It’s like the same in writing a paper: you introduce your thesis, then you flesh it out, then you tell them what you told them. If you only listen to the thesis, then is it fair to judge the content of the whole paper without reading it?

Are you familiar with the chiastic structure? I am learning that there are chiasms in the Bible. Maybe the whole Bible is a chiasm? They used it back in the day to help people remember without the luxury of the technology we have today.

All to say it’s difficult to explain and understand what he is saying without the complete context. The meat of what he is saying is in the second half.

But if you want a taste of the part that I find most interesting, you can skip to around 26:13 where he talks about the day of atonement and who the sacrifice was for and how it worked. And that it was a picture of Jesus. I’d be interested in your thoughts on that part.

Many have already dismissed me and this guy as a universalist. R says I am contaminating people. Others have said this is from the devil. So I’ve been getting my beating.

But nobody is willing to discuss the individual theological points such as the one I referenced.

My question to them is could our God not be so loving? So good? So big? Does He limit His love or do we?

And what exactly secures your eternal future? Something you do? If so, what exactly? I could never figure that out. Any explanation that held me responsible, when pushed to the limit, I couldn’t measure up.

That’s when I believe God brought me to the end of myself and when I threw myself down on NOTHING except His love and mercy, that’s when I believe He opened my eyes to a whole bunch of stuff.

So are we saved by serving Jesus, like you said? If so, how do you define who is in and who is out?

She wrote: I did not say we were saved by serving Jesus. It’s by grace we have been saved through faith.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish, but have eternal life.”

I choose not to listen to a false teacher…they are wolves in sheep clothing seeking to destroy.

I’m sad that it has affected you. I am praying for you.

Instead of listening to people, maybe you should just read the Bible from cover to cover and ask God to show you Himself and His amazing love.

I wrote: I agree completely, but the same applies to people listening to R.

There is so much more to what I could tell you. I regret not yet being able to communicate my own thoughts on everything. But I am working on it. Still learning, still digging.

My only point in even sending you the link was just to show you where my head is at in attempts to explain my absence from CCSA. I miss you all very much so it isn’t personal. I just wanted to offer an explanation instead of ghosting on you with no word.

I clearly understand what I am up against. But I trust God to sort everything out. For sure after our time on earth, but hopefully before.

Thank you for prayers. I’ll take all I can get. Again, I ask: if it depends on you believing in Jesus, how do you define the limits of who is in and who is out? I could never figure that out for myself or others. Every time I thought I had it figured out, I would fail my own measure.

And what about the people who don’t know Jesus? They are out of luck? That’s the God that is being preached?

This man that you call a false teacher, he believes in Jesus. Does he have eternal life?

My point is that I believe my understanding of the Scriptures may have been limited. Not to argue with you. Just as a friendly challenge to really take your thinking to its full limit and see if it can hold the full weight of what it is saying. I am doing the same with what I believe.

She wrote: R preaches the Bible verse by verse in context. That is vitally important. Before ever hearing R, I had already read through the Bible several times. The reason I respect R is that he preaches the Bible word for word, verse by verse.

God knows those who have chosen Him. Once saved by God’s grace, we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit and His fruit is then displayed in the lives of those who truly have accepted Him. Also, know that Jesus reveals Himself in many ways. He will reach that person you talked about because He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. His love is perfect.

I wrote: Chosen Him. Truly accepted Him. Fruit.

All those things. Those are the things I used as my measures also. And I failed each one. When pushed to the full limits of their logic.

That’s when I started to find true freedom. When I tried my very best and failed at everything. Even in my belief. And then gave up. Ironically. Jesus was right there and picked me up. Felt like He said, “Finally.” ALL glory to Him. ☺ And the adventure I’ve been on since has been amazing.

I hope you never have to endure the humiliations, failures, and heartaches that I’ve had to go through in the past few years. They have been can’t-get-out-of-bed painful at times. But I was just thanking God yesterday for letting me fall so hard. I don’t think I ever would have known Him and His love like I do now.

She wrote: We have to rely on Jesus…we all fall short…all have sinned . We fall when we do things in our own strength. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. He leads us.

I wrote: Agreed!

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I have dreams. I have hopes. I have what seems like an infinite number of ideas. But I really don’t know what this is going to be. All I know is that I feel like I need to start.

Nothing else is working out. It seems like my life has been on hold for seven to eight years. And will continue to be until I write this book. The story of my life. Of what happened to me. Of what I learned along the way.

I don’t feel like I’m anybody. Like, who am I? But maybe that’s the point. I’m not special. I’m as common as the next man. Something, someone, people can relate to.

I think that’s why Jesus came down to a single, unwed mother. Specifically born into a broken family. Specifically rejected. Specifically an outcast. More people can relate to that than can relate to royalty.

Is this Jesus for the common man? Or is this Jesus only for kings? Only for the religious elite (self-proclaimed or otherwise)? Only for the “perfect” people? The ones who have a curated social-media feed?

Or is this Jesus for the real niggers? The real bitches? The real po’? The real hustling-ass survivors? Just trying to make it through another day without completely losing it all?

I used to be that chick. That teen. That fucking heartless bitch.

I used to ride around in the back seat of my mother’s car maybe even on her way to church. Dragging me there. Most of my childhood no choice. And for awhile I would have a tennis ball that I’d opened up. With a rag inside. Soaked in gasoline. Trying to light it and throw it out the window. On my way to church.

I set the trash cans on fire at my high school. Three of them. Over two days. The administration on the loud speaker warning the other kids that someone was trying to burn down the school. I was that kid.

I thought they were dumb. Couldn’t they see that I lit the fires in the trashcans specifically so that the fires would NOT burn down the school?!

I would carry gasoline around in my backpack. In a sports water bottle that I took off my bike. My goal was to somehow get it into the plumbing system so that it would blow up the whole school. But I ironically didn’t want anyone to get hurt. That’s why I never went through with it.

But if I could have figured out a way to do it, I would have. I just never thought about it long enough to figure out a plan to make sure I could guarantee nobody was in the buildings before I set the whole damn place to explode.

My father is lucky. I would think for hours about how to kill him. I just could never figure out a way to do it without getting caught.

And then he has the nerve to later in life call my writings “Bible Babble”. Like, BITCH – if you only knew how close you were to being killed!

But what leads a kid who was literally burning her arms with lighters. With heating up metal objects and pressing them into my skin? I took lit cigarettes and put them out on my arms. I would take a hammer and swing it against my arms to try to break my bones. Before I was even fifteen. I swallowed an entire bottle of pills to try to take myself out.

How do I go from that to then this? To this woman who just wants people to know the Love that found me?

This isn’t your typical emotional testimony. This isn’t me saying I am a horrible person. And thank God for saving a wretch like me from an eternal barbeque pit. No, that WAS the old me. But that’s not the me now. That’s not the one writing THIS story. I have changed. Or rather I have been changed, been freed from that false religion. From that origin story. I am now Living a completely different narrative.

What happened? And does it matter at all? To anyone else but me?

I hated the word forgiveness. For good reason. When you get abused, most people prefer that you don’t talk about it. Don’t make anyone else uncomfortable by acknowledging what they don’t want to admit. What they don’t want to deal with. The world is hard enough. Can’t you just shut up about what happened to you? Like, goddamn it bitch! Do you want a fucking medal or something? Do you want us all to take our tissues out and run up to you so you can cry it out? How fucking long do you think you need? Because my show that I binge watch is about to be on. So I don’t have much fucking time for your little stupid-ass feelings.

My mother told me that she was going to warn HER family about me. Not OUR family. No, HER family. About me. Because I dared to directly confront her one day. I told her that I thought that not only did she know I was being abused, but she permitted it. She handed me over. She didn’t do anything to stop him.

There was one time. Where I thought maybe she was finally stepping up. When I had been remanded to the psychiatric hospital after the fires. After I turned myself in. And who knows what the fuck my father had been spitting to all their ears, but unbelievably there was a conversation happening about whether I should be discharged to my father’s residence after the hospital. I couldn’t even believe anyone was considering this an option! I was kinda in shock. And therefore somewhat relieved when my mother stepped up for once. To say I shouldn’t go to my father’s.

I thought for years that maybe that meant she could finally admit who he was. And finally try to protect me.

But then I realized in my 40s that, seeing as she had never stepped up for me before, she was probably just trying to make sure that her child support didn’t get cut by having my father take me. She probably was just keeping me around for the little itty bitty few more dollars I was worth to her in the form of that child support money.

When I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital, she made me pay back all the money that hospital stay cost her. There was no time to recuperate. There was no time or space to heal. She was not supportive.

In fact, once we got back to the house, she started literally pacing around the house dramatically having a meltdown about how they were going to put her in jail if she refused to fill my prescription they gave me for psychiatric medications.

Here I am, not two hours out of the psychiatric hospital, and having to call them back to try to calm her down. To tell her she wouldn’t go to jail if she didn’t buy the medicine.

Oh she had money for other things. I remember that was the time when she started buying silver jewelry. And going square dancing. Those were important.

But your daughter not completely losing her mind – nope, just an annoyance. Just an inconvenience. An irritation. Just an afront to your perfect choices and perfect parenting.

How dare I be so fucking ungrateful? To have any feelings! To have any thoughts! To dare to express them!! The fucking audacity!! You ungrateful twerp! You fat fucking bitch! Don’t you know?! Didn’t you get the fucking memo, you stupid bitch!?! You’re here to suck dick and keep everyone’s fragile-ass egos in check! That’s all you’re good for you whore. You stupid fat pig. Shut the FUCK up! Go know your place. Go back to your room. Spend your time looking good. Then we might throw you a bone every now and then. If you do your job. If you bend over and suck ALLLL the dicks. Just fucking take it you lazy loser bitch.

Make us look good. Never bring up anything that ever happened except the times where we get the credit. For doing something other people value. Versus actually having a real relationship with you. Yeah, that’s too much work.

Everybody’s doing it. Everybody’s the same. Who the fuck do you think you are for bucking the system?! For going against the grain?! For thinking anything worthwhile could come from this? From your stupid ass mouth. You have nothing to show for yourself. You’re a nobody. A lazy loser. A fat fucking pig. Except nobody even wants to fuck you now that you’re so goddamn big. You’re not even worth the little that was. Nobody wants you. You could go die and we’d consider it selfish of you to force us to acknowledge you even in your death.

It’s the same every day, you stupid bitch. Look around. Nothing is going to change.

Just shut your mouth, do you time, and die. Like everyone else.

Yeah, this was not the book I thought I was going to write before. Back in 2017. When I thought that all I needed to do was explain theology. In the academic sense. No, this is definitely not that book.

You have been warned. This is all the shit.

Buckle up. Or deboard.

You are forewarned.

As an abused person, you are ALWAYS looking for safety. You think there is someone out there that will never hurt you. You call only THAT Love.

And I don’t blame you. I never will.

But I don’t think it exists like that. Like the global collective conscience currently promotes.

I’ve met probably easily over 20,000 people so far in the past 15-20 years. That’s probably a pretty good dataset. And I haven’t yet met someone safe enough to meet my standards.

I pushed them all away. All I have is myself left now. And turns out even I am pretty shitty company many days.

You’ll need people someday. I promise you. Just think about that at least.

I know it hurts. I just don’t have any other answer.

Unfortunately it’s like they told us all along, for better or for worse: What would you want someone to do for you if you were in their shoes? If the roles were reversed?

It might not be fair, but it just might be true. What we’re actually working with. Outside of the completely reasonable ideal.

Sorry.

You can keep looking, but I’ve been at this decades.

I don’t think Jesus is coming the way y’all been sold.

Unfortunately I think it’s up to us. The complete opposite of what you were promised.

Right or wrong, I think we’re all stuck here until we get it literally together. Not even one little lamb lost.

I wager our souls don’t get relief when the physical body gives out. How else am I supposed to understand Jesus talking about spirits roaming around and looking for a body to possess?

That’s the worst kind of karma. To not even get relief with death.

What if the next time you get sent back, you return as a recipient of and to the exact world you created before? All you worked to prepare, or didn’t work to prepare, the last time you were here before.

In other words, y’all ain’t living now like you gotta come back to exactly this. But, what if that’s facts?

I don’t think heaven is a place. I think it’s a state of mind.

And we got HELLLLLLLLL enough right now. Unless y’all are dying for more?

So, what we gonna do about it?

You risking fate again? You risking rollin’ the die of Life and thinking you’ll get better “luck” next time?

I don’t like those odds now.

House always wins. And by House, I mean Father God. Mother Holy Spirit. And Jesus.

If They went to all the trouble to come down and do the whole Virgin birth, be murdered on The Cross thing… then what makes you so sure all you have to do is dodge and wait out the chaos here in order to reach nirvana on the other side?

What if the Truth is much more reasonable? And intellectually honest.

That a God who goes to all the trouble documented in a book that has survived millennia might just be concerned with your healing more than your comfort?

And if not even one little lamb will be left behind, then what makes you think an about-face would happen in terms of God accepting leaving ANY part of you behind?

I now don’t think it works like that.

I now don’t think the answer is you, or ANY one of us, gets to coast on our laurels and get off easy, get off scott-free.

I fear we come right back round again to the world just as we personally left it. Over and over as long as it takes. Until complete healing for and of ALL is achieved.

Even beyond humans. The WHOLE Earth, including ALL in it. Every breath, every being, every tree, every cell, every atom.

I think that’s the definition of Justice they didn’t teach us, conveniently: setting things right. As in making straight the way. Putting the broken bones back together. Everyone. And so on.

Versus punishment and destruction.

You think Hitler, and all the other flagrant abusers, escaped retribution?

I don’t anymore think so at all. I think they got re-shuffled. I think their spirits got recycled. I think they came all the way back around here in a different form. And exist amongst us even now.

Maybe Hitler is even right now existing as an infant in a mother’s arms. What if Hitler even got sent back as a little Jewish baby this time? To the exact world he created. Wouldn’t that be some shit?!

But what if it’s true? What if the people shooting the guns come back as the babies of the victims they did dirty?

What if that’s all the luck and deliverance we can expect?

Would you Live differently then?

Any one of the people alive right now could have been someone else in a past life. And will continue to be. Over and over. As long as it takes until every last one of us completely gets it.

That’s what I now believe. That we are all literally one.

No soft landings, buddy. Only real, real Life.

Until we ALL, every last one, completely get it. That just might be real actual Love.

What if you never get to escape your consequences? What if you only come back as the grandbaby, or something similar, of the person you treated the worst? What if THAT is the best you can expect?

Wouldn’t that be some shit?

I don’t think it’s too far fetched or crazy of an idea.

And if I’m not wrong, I definitely think the majority missed the memo.

What would you do differently right now if there’s even a chance that what I am saying is true?

You willing to keep chancing God letting you off the hook scott-free eternally?

Or is something in your soul whispering I just might be correct enough to warrant some more serious self-reflection?

Just sayin’.

I used to believe in “the one”. I used to think the Disney and Hallmark version of life that was sold to me since I was born. Or the Christian version with Boaz. That there is only one person out there for me. And somehow I gotta find and figure out who it is or else I am missing out. 

That shit haunted me for years. And I do mean tortured me. 

I’d spend year after year agonizing over whether I was settling. A person who was never taught or encouraged to go for what I really wanted. Raised to only be of service to others. After years of therapy to get stabilized, I didn’t want to sell myself short by doing all that work just to retraumatize myself by settling for the wrong person.

You wanna know what cleared up for me? How I got free?

There were a whole gang of years awhile ago when I wanted to be with, to varying degrees, especially four different people at the same time. Not all together. But I couldn’t choose if I was given the choice between them all. I liked different things about each one.

I didn’t want to lose any of them. I just wanted them in different ways. 

And then there were still others on the peripheral besides the main four. I couldn’t choose at all. 

None of them were perfect enough of a match to be “the one”. But clearly all of them were important enough that I didn’t want to lose anyone. 

I was lamenting to God about this yet again for the two hundred millionth time. When I finally asked the right question. 
Not, “Who is the one?” 
But, “Why can’t I have them all?”

That’s when I heard back in my spirit, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”

What?!?! 

I was the LAST person who would think God would co-sign anything but “the one”. Not only did I believe that narrative for my whole forty-plus years that I was alive, but I had even pushed it on everyone else. 

And NOW I hear God telling me I don’t have to choose?! That of course love is love between consenting adults. Of course one person can’t be everything – that doesn’t even make sense. Of course people change. Of course people grow. Of course you want the most Love in your Life. Of course you don’t want to cut any great humans out.

Of course you don’t have to suspend your God-given intellect. When you finally let yourself get out of your religious mind.

Immediately after I felt Spirit say, “Why CAN’T you have them all?”, these words labeled as verses from Matthew 22 came into my mind:

“they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven”

There are at least as many interpretations as there are people in the world. But to me in that moment everything made sense and was cleared up. Gender and marriage are Earth concepts. Meant for here. For a purpose. Not some law that needs to be worshipped. 

In other words God is totally cool. And marriage isn’t the purpose I thought it was. 

It isn’t your salvation. If anything Love is an act of service. Over and over. Versus some lottery you win and receive. 

When you partner yourself with someone, a lot of people see it as “Yay! Now I have someone who will always take care of me.” Which is why the divorce rate is so high. When real life happens. When all your Disney dreams get completely crushed. 

You didn’t really mean it when YOU said in sickness or in health. When YOU said for better or for worse. 

You were happy they said it about you. But you didn’t really fully mean it when it came to them. You weren’t really in it for the long haul. Your love had limits. You were keeping score. 

And would I EVER tell someone to stay in an abusive relationship? You should know me by now. 

Or would I EVER tell someone to stay in a relationship where they have good reasons to be unhappy? Well, that one’s a lot more complicated. But number one I’m not qualified. Certain things are priorities for me that aren’t for you. And vice versa. 

But in general I just mean Love isn’t cute flirting, silliness, and games. Love is wiping your chosen one’s butt when they are incapacitated. I’ve done that. That’s when the rubber meets the road. When nobody sees. When you don’t get a medal. When you choose the other person back day after day without expecting anything in return. Because you are for them even if when they aren’t for you or even for themselves. 

But Love doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. A parent is able to stomach a toddler’s tantrum because there’s nothing being taken. The parent has all the power. 

Same as God. Jesus went to The Cross because He had all the power to stomach our tantrum. Our fantastically horrid tantrum. 

But if you don’t have it to give without it being an issue then it’s not something for you to stomach or to gift. If it’s being taken from you versus you fully wanting to cheerfully give it then I’d say take a pause to really think through what’s going on. 

People sometimes apologize to me after I’ve given them space to confess really raw emotions they’ve been holding back from everyone else. I always assure them that they never have to apologize about that to me. I am built for it. The complete opposite of being taken from – usually I am energized by seeing the relief people experience when they are able to unload so much that has been crushing them. I am happy for them. And I view being a part of that as some of the greatest honors. 

That’s an example, I guess based off of how people so regularly apologize to me, of something difficult for other people to handle that I am built for. And am so happy to give. So it’s not abuse at all for me to stand with people in those spaces. 

Love, real Love, is like that. When it’s Love. When it’s not abuse. When you have it to give. And you genuinely want to be in that space. 

Take those who genuinely protect and serve. Who put on body armor and stand ready to take a bullet or worse. I don’t have that to give. It would be abuse of myself to stand in that way. I’m not at all built for that. Whereas others look forward to the opportunity. That’s the difference I am trying to highlight here.

It’s interesting that I saw someone from Switzerland say that the mentality there is that peace only comes through the capacity to annihilate if attacked. That they see it as their duty to be able to fully protect themselves. That’s how I feel now about real Love. I only have the capacity to Love you as much as I have the capacity to cut you off if you turn on me. 

It’s only Love if both you and I agree that I can and should tell you to fuck off if you start fucking with me. And vice versa. 

Love doesn’t mean you are signing up for or expected to endure abuse. Or even mistreatment. That I’m supposed to submit just because you have a dick. Or another thing to try to hang over my head and force down my throat. So I’ll shut up and put out in whatever way that you insist this time. No, that’s some bullshit. 

Which brings me back to “the one”. I now only believe that there is the one, or ones, for now. That people come into our lives for reasons and seasons. Some longer than others. And it’s right and it works for as long as it’s right and it works. 

But when the relationship has run its course then it’s time to move on. And the longer you try to hold onto a feeling that has clearly passed, the longer you hurt yourself and maybe others by not letting go. 

If I had to write how I now think a true Love story actually goes, it would look more like:
-Two people meet and enjoy the energy between them.
-They spend more time together because they both want to.
-But people are always growing as they head towards the healing of fully coming into themselves. So the person you met back then may not be the person standing before you today.
-Therefore you get to decide if the path they are taking is also the path you want your life to go down. Without expecting anything in return from them for your choice. And if it is, then great.
-But if it isn’t then you gotta thank them for their presence while y’all were sharing the same heart space. And instead of trying to change them, do the mature work of seeing things as they are, then giving them your blessing, and let them go. Let yourself go. For their sake but probably more for your own.
-And then work on recentering yourself in alignment with Source and who you now are.
-Which will then make you available to fully enjoy again when another crosses your path that you want to spend time with.

It’s that simple. 

That story doesn’t require me to stress about whether I’ve found the elusive “one”. That story isn’t stacked with impossible demands and expectations.

That story leaves room for everyone to have their emotions, and maybe more importantly their freedom. Without things getting crazy. Without years of resentment brewing. 

That also gives me the room to Love more than one person at a time. Have more than one important person in my life at a time. Without things getting disrespectful. It’s just: what do you want? And does it align with what I want? That’s it. Simple. 

I talked to a lady one time who was cheating on her husband. I think getting away with “murder” was more the thrill than the actual man. But I digress. The point I was trying to make to her was that she will never know if her husband would be cool with whatever she is doing if she never has that discussion with him. What if he doesn’t want to leave her either but also wants to entertain others on the side? What if that was cool with both of them? You never know until you ask.

I used to think all this stuff was so binary. So black and white. It surprised the hell out of me that God, I now believe, exists much more on a spectrum of experiences. And designed us the same way.

I don’t think your husband is straight or gay. I think he has proclivities to an extent in both ways. Whether it’s hardly at all to full on embracing whatever there is to experience and experiment. 

I believe if you would be honest then there is a range for you also. Along with most people. The complete this or that being reserved for a very small minority. 

God telling me we don’t understand. And God telling me we’re really like the angels in heaven. Who don’t marry. Meant God is not really concerned so much with gender as the religious zealots make Trinity out to be. 

And then also the same with marriage. Or even children. Which freed me up from a lot of grief since I didn’t get to yet experience either one. Turns out, for me now, that marriage and children CAN BE a beautiful thing. But are commonly quite heavy. I now see them as sometimes blessed by God. But more often a test we demand. To prove we got what it takes. That we’ll prove to God that we can earn what Trinity has already told us is ours for free. 

In short, marriage and children will prove to you that even if you understood what real Love is, you don’t have what it takes. 

Which leads to distress and depression for however long you insist on shouldering the whole world. 

Or leads to the relief of surrender when you finally agree with God about Who They are. And how much more They want for you. 

Not that marriage can’t be a beautiful thing. Or children. The more the merrier if you can afford them – and not just financially. 

But that marriage and children for most of us is a  form of God’s higher spiritual education when we insist on it. A Ph.D in “you don’t have to take on everything”. Until we learn we gotta let God be God.

Some need a spouse and children to learn that. Some of us learn it in other ways. 

Having a body next to you in bed means nothing on paper. Means nothing on the surface. Someone’s heart can be completely for you without the State recognizing a legal union. Without you even needing to label it. 

Anyway, the worst form of loneliness is knowing you are alone in a crowded room. Just because they are with you doesn’t mean they are for you. 

And the fastest way to end a relationship is to try to substitute that person for God. To treat that person as Source, as your everything. When only God can shoulder that weight. 

Ideal relationships are two people coming together with 100%. Already filled up. With excess to share. 

Versus how I used to be: completely decimated. Seeking someone, other than God or myself, to take care of me. 

Yeah, if they got it to give and they want to. But usually not. How many people do you ever see that truly got it together like that?

I had to meet myself before I could ever lose another person I wanted in my life due to me not realizing I had the power, permission, responsibility, and ability to show up for me. The same as I wanted everyone else to.

In my perfect world back then, there would be someone strong I could lean on to for example at least validate the boundaries I was interested in setting. But no, real life and God demanded that I validate myself. 

The point isn’t to create an army of emotionless behaviorally on-point robots. The point is go outside and see, especially in a cared-for cultivated space, how God’s Creativity is exploding out of every inch of this human experience. So why would we then expect that same God to suddenly be austere with us? His prized Creation that Jesus went so far to die for. 

With that alone you’ll never convince me that the point is to suffer. That God just wants us all to be silent, sanitized, sterilized of all our desires, and unthinking robots whose best to god is blind submission and obedience. To that I say: hell and fuck no.

I don’t want to have sex with everyone. I am way too hung up on hygiene and germs to even want everyone around me. Much less up in me. That’s not the point. 

Even as I believe it’s fine for others if it is. Maybe it’s not too late to miss your “calling” as an escort or a porn star. So be it. Go kill it, kid. Lol. Neither here nor there for me. Even and especially spiritually as long as everyone is consenting adults and on the same page. 

But sex hasn’t even always been the most wonderful form of intimacy for me. There are many more precious moments of intimacy that I miss more that had very little to do with being inside another person physically. To get terribly technical about the whole deal.

Just to say I feel free now not to ever limit myself unless I want to, unless that’s a choice I want to make. Versus someone pressuring or expecting it. Especially for any kind of fickle social approval. Church, work, or community wise.

I am free to do whatever I want. And whoever I want. As much as I want. As little as I want. 

I am free to be with a woman. With a man. Even with a trans. 

I am free to marry. Or not. Neither define my value or lack there of. 

Same with having or not having kids. 

I am 100% for marriage when it’s a good match. I’m 100% for divorce when the relationship has seen it’s full course. 

I am 100% for those who want to stay single. Or those that want to enjoy mingling for the rest of their lives. Or until they’re ready for a break. 

I’m 100% for people who want kids when they can afford them financially and have a healthy and supportive community to raise them in. I’m 100% for those that don’t have kids either by choice or not. Having children doesn’t automatically make you a saint. It’s a great responsibility I don’t think many are cut out for. Even though most have the ability to step up if they cared enough. 

I just am no longer placing my worth and value on whether someone is pursuing me. Sure, that can be nice. But if I make it more than something fun and flattering then it’ll get too much in my head. And then God will send me to some ass-whooping so I don’t get spiritually sick. 

Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Real Love can be over the top with affection and desire. But there’s a fine line between that being something extra in your whole life. Versus making it a main thing. Something you enjoy. Versus something you put your whole existence on hold for until you get. 

Look, I’m the one foolish enough to talk about this shit. So don’t listen to me. Do whatever it is that God is walking you through. 

I’m just sharing for anyone this resonates with. So they don’t think they’re crazy. Or the only ones.

And I am now ready to share more time with people I enjoy. Without the religious shit getting in the way. Without needing someone to save me. Without needing to save anyone else. Trusting myself to say no when I don’t feel good anymore. Not making everything more of a big deal than it is. 

Just humans enjoying connection when it feels right. When it feels healthy. When it feels fun and good. 

Not needing to label it anything more than that. 

And certainly not drag it into the church or State to have all the Life and Love drained out.

Which leads me to wonder… what if all this talk of waiting on “One” Savior is equally also off base? What if there isn’t just one Savior? What if there’s more to that also? What if all this time we’ve been waiting on a miracle outside when all we ever needed was already here within? What if that’s why Jesus doesn’t magically deliver us? Because He wants us to see that we can deliver ourselves? That it’s important not only for ourselves, but also to Trinity and also for all of Creation, that we give ourselves that permission. That we realize our power. And not just always stand expecting someone else to step in. That God created us for more than that. That we can trust ourselves. And what we want.