You spend a lot of time trying to make sure they feel okay, when they don’t ever seem to even give a thought of how you’re feeling so long as you keep playing your part. You’re so worried about them and they are not even half as concerned about you. You stay up day and night trying to make them comfortable when they are so quick to dismiss you specifically in favor of others who even offend and insult them. What is this?!

There is some tape running deep down inside of you that has very little to do with them personally. This is a crisis for healing. Intellectually you can understand this, but your heart. What is the cry of the kid you were in you? To be seen? To be heard? To be cherished? To be even enjoyed? Way beyond the sense of duty that at least fed and clothed you. You wanted to not only feel loved, but actually be loved. Wanted. Desired. Celebrated, not just tolerated.

It was never on you. Years of managing their emotions. Or probably incorrectly thinking you could do so. Years of putting on a show for the hope of their true approval and sincere embrace. Of wanting them to want you as much as you wanted them. It’s certainly understandable. Because you care, you have heart, and you’re smart. Hear this: you’ve tried way more than what would have been considered reasonable.

This is the lesson: they shut down long ago. And it was never about you. This is their problem. And I’m very sorry for you that this was the hand you were dealt. But it always was what it was and is what it is.

Have you asked yourself? How would you see this if you were on the outside looking in? If it was someone else in your shoes? Would you tell them they’ve done enough? More than enough? Would you have compassion on them? Would you understand?

It hurts. A lot.

To see things as they truly are. And have been for a very long time.

It really hurts. To the core of who you are. An echoing ache that takes your breath away. That shatters as its reverberations slam their way through you. Your heart. Your mind. Your spirit. Your soul. The deafening coldness of their inactions. Their omissions sometimes more than their commissions. The darkness of the absences they left you hanging in. Alone and lonely.

But with so much life still in you. All that you were had to lie dormant in order to survive. Buried but still very much alive. If anything, that is what keeps you sick: ALL of who you are still unexpressed. You got older but you still have a lot of growing up left to be able to do. To enjoy. If you give yourself permission to grieve. And then start again to be. To know you were never too much. In fact you were taught to not even ask for enough.

Please don’t run away like so many times before. This time will be different. The only requirement is for you to rest.

Your love hurts. Your words don’t add up. You say a lot of right things. But there is not enough heart behind them. Not enough soul. Not enough spirit. Like icing on a cake. Shocks me awake but doesn’t fill me up. Just keeps me high for a little while. Your love isn’t enough.

Just like going to sit in pews. The same for me now. Lots of going through the motions. With whitewashed empty tombs.

I used to not know better. Because I was a kid. It didn’t occur to me for the longest that someone would say something without backing it up. Why live like that? It is so much more difficult. Just be honest.

I can’t save you. I can’t rock you out of your fear. I’ve tried. A zillion times over. I have to let go. I have to let Love reveal truth to you. I can’t do it no matter how much and how hard I try.

You know this. You’ve given your all to this and that dogma. To a dog and pony show here and there. Has anything really changed? Anyone? You aren’t a robot. You aren’t here to be used. And neither am I.

You have to close yourself down in order to keep on this path. I’m not going to do that with you. You can tell yourself that words are enough. But you also know that’s not true.

I love you so much that I can’t live a lie for you. Even if you think you want me to. I need the real you back. And you do too.

Thank you for your rejection. What you meant for evil, Love will use for good. I wasn’t sure I could live without you. Now I know I can. Now I know how strong I am. Now I like myself with or without your approval. Now I know that the sun will always come out after every storm.

There are seven to eight billion people on this planet and my world would have been so small had I stopped with just you. Other people like me. Other people think I’m cool. So it is your loss if you choose to lose me.

I’ve gone above and beyond for so long. But now I’m done. I’m moving on. My life is better with you in it as long as your heart is for us and you are actively present. But if you decide that is not what you want, then I’m not going to stop you.

I’m going to get busy being fine elsewhere. With people who want to participate. People who aren’t ready to tap out. People who are humble enough to intelligently risk vulnerability.

I’m not going to let you take me down or under. That’s the one thing I won’t do with you: give up.

I am only good at one thing: writing my experience. I’ve been fighting it for so long. Trying so many other things. Trying to be so many other people.

Will I give people more power than God? Will I let the opinions of others keep me small and silent? What if God says I am loved versus just being tolerated or appeased? What if God says I am accepted and included? What if God is proud of me? How much more weight will I give to the words of others versus God’s heart for me?

I’d gladly speak without showing myself for all to scrutinize. For all to judge and pick apart. I don’t want to bear the attention. But I feel like that is the easy way out. My version of Moses saying, “But they won’t listen to me, Lord.”

What if it is our perceived flaws that God is so eager to celebrate? Not to shame us. But that through us others may see and feel real hope? What gospel would it be if it only offers hope to those who already seem to have it all together? What gospel would it be if it is only for those who have enough strength?

I have prayed way more than three times to come to you as a different person. A more sanitized socially-acceptable version of myself. But He changed my heart. He showed me a different perspective. And so here I am.

If God is for us, is that enough? If the Creator of the entire universe is for us then is that enough? It was enough for David. It was enough for Joseph. It was enough for Gideon. It was enough for Ruth. It was enough for Esther. Is it enough for us?

How much wasted time have I spent agonizing over trying to fit in when maybe God absolutely wants me to stand out? And so here I am. Vulnerable, but not alone. Giving all my fears and feelings to God. Who better to speak to my heart? To penetrate the years of discouragement?

What shame will we ask Jesus about today? What shame will we bring to Holy Spirit for healing today? God already knows. He assures us that we are welcome. That we are His kids and He does not do abandonment. He will never leave us alone.

Since y’all want so badly to go to hell, I’m going to stop trying to keep you from going there. Just trampled and spit on every time I try to “save” you.

Maybe I’ve had it wrong all this time. Maybe I should have let you be from the jump. Maybe trying to save you from the consequences of your choices was actually hindering you from your healing; not helping. Extending the time it will take. To bring you back – what I’ve wanted all along.

We don’t want to say “no” to people we love. It feels so unnatural. We don’t want to turn our backs and go on without them. It feels like part of your heart is being ripped away in the process. But do we trust how much Trinity loves them? How hard it is for us should be proof of how much more God loves them. We are created in Their image.

I want to be whole with you all. But what if this is better? Where there becomes healthier coexisting versus gnawing codependency.

I feel like God keeps showing me that I can be patient. That no matter how bad it looks, I will get through on time. Even though it doesn’t feel that way. Even though it feels like we are way far behind.

Don’t rush the process. But even if I insist on running myself in circles, we’ll still get there. Because this is God who loves us so much.

It’s hard to feel like the bad guy. To keep your mind about you when everything feels like it’s telling you otherwise. When the other rages when we won’t give in. Maybe like we used to all this time.

You can’t do it very long on your own. This is bigger than all of us. Ask for Help.

We want to be liked. Instead of doing what is right. What is better and best. Because it is a fight. A knock down drag out fight. Not safe. Very personal. Only a vision of something more beautiful and true hope will get you through it. The persecution you’ll receive is very real. The coldness. The loneliness.

Even in this we can look to Jesus. How He loved us enough to tell us no. For what lay before Him. Not our destruction.

We do not want this way. How many times have we tried to avoid this way. But you insist. On hell. On the hard way.

I guess we can find comfort that only the unhelpful will be burned away. That Trinity refines versus destroys. That only the good is being preserved.

I wish y’all would join me at the table. I look forward to the day. To celebrating. This time genuinely. This time without reservation.

Our hearts yearn for what is authentic and real. Will you risk what you settled for in order to get more? Do you trust Love that much? Unfortunately you can’t know without doing.

I hope you’ll choose Life. I hope you’ll join me. I live in such a way as to hopefully be a constant invitation. That there isn’t anything to be afraid of. That the work is worth it. Any frankly nothing else will suffice.