Sarah Nyhan

I had a dream about you this morning. Another one.

They always make me so sad. Like it’s great to see you at least in my dreams, but it’s also torture because if you’re really gone then I don’t want to hold onto you anymore. 

But you know me – not one to give up easily. So here we go. Spilling our damn thoughts on the Internet. Looking like a damn fool yet again. In case there really is something more to it than me just being stupid. Does that soul stuff and romantic bullshit actually exist?

In my dream I ironically was finally moving on. I was putting myself out there. I was going to be around other people.

And then of course you were there, right?

But I was determined. I wasn’t going to get caught up in unrequited “love” ever again. So although everything in me wanted you, I played it cool. I saw you and forced myself to not try to get you to invite me to stay. 

You seemed surprised. That I was not going to wait for you. That I was putting myself out there with others. Despite all of who and what I am and am not now. 

I just gave you a hug when I passed by you.

And then forced myself to let go and move on. Go find somewhere away from you to try to meet new people.

Not that I wanted to. But we’re dealing with reality now, right? 

Then it was like in my 20s. Where I looked for a stream to let myself get swept away in. I didn’t want to think anymore. I needed something or someone stronger than myself to take me into a new life if this old one, if you, were really dead – at least to me.

There were other women. Even older. I didn’t care at all.

But I forced myself to move on. To get drunk on cutting off my heart. My mind. 

Just like in real life – I don’t want to miss you anymore if you are really gone. I want my life and my heart back if you really never gave a shit. If I was just a toy for you to pass some time. 

It really sucks for me that no one has compared to you yet. And I’ve met tens of thousands. No joke.

At least take that as a compliment. As nothing but respect from me. Regardless.

But that also means you deserve better than me anyway. Because I have even less to offer now than before.

So if that’s what it is and was always about then I finally get it. Accepted.