Sarah Nyhan

At some point you just can’t be worried anymore. You just can’t be sad anymore. You just can’t be afraid anymore.

At some point they’ve taken all they can take.

I’m here now. Well, every time I say that there ends up being an even deeper level. But as far as who I used to be a long time ago – man!

I used to be afraid of everything. Especially losing. No, more specifically – being seen as a loser. A failure. Not fitting in.

I NEVER wanted to stand out. That wasn’t safe. At all.

But here we are now. On full display. No matter where I go. No matter what I do. Impossible to hide. To blend in. It’s obvious I’ve been to hell and back. Multiple times.

I’ve given up on being able to mask enough to act like the ones who will let me in. I’ll never be enough for them. I’ll never get it “right”.

Even if I dedicated the rest of my life to performing being another person. The white-washed, sanitized, safe version they think they’d prefer. Never. It would take everything in me all the time. And I don’t even have half of that to give even a little bit of the time.

This is me, bitches. This is me.

And I write because… I don’t know. Just because I feel like day after day I climb mountain after mountain. And writing is like taking a picture. It’s documenting a point in time that I think is important.

Especially as my mind has made so many changes over the years. Yes, I am kinda Sarah. But certainly not the one you maybe thought you knew.

I’ve always been on this quest for truth. For understanding what is going on.

I guess my goal is to help reduce people’s pain. My own included at the forefront.

And writing is kinda like breadcrumbs I leave along the way for others to pick up. Would be cool to see if these indulgent words of mine would ever help anyone else.

More so than me just going on and on.