Sarah Nyhan

First of all, for all the people who can’t handle my emotions, I am not suicidal. I have no desire or plan to kill myself.

But, I give up. I have given up. 

This is my notice to God that I need a better life. I now put the responsibility out of my hands and directly into God’s hands. Going forward I am now putting the blame on God if my life and this world does not get any better in my lifetime.

Back in 2017 I had a job I liked. In the field I wanted to be in. It was almost perfect. But then the company went out of business. It was the nail in the coffin on the rest of my life falling apart.

My response? I blamed myself. Primarily: maybe if I just had more faith. Or maybe if I just worked harder.

The last eight years I have been on a non-stop hamster wheel. A few thousand rounds around the desert, if you will. Cycling between trying to work harder and trying to have more faith. 

For what? My life is worse than when I started. Every path a dead end.

So I give up. And I now blame God. 

I am no longer taking responsibility for shit. I am no longer trying to save everyone. Even myself.

It’s no big deal for God to provide what little I’m asking for.

I felt guilty back then. In 2017. After my employer went out of business. Because that whole year before I had been asking God for the time and money to take off for a whole year and write a specific book. 

When my employer went out of business, I took that as I gotta prove myself to God. That I had enough faith to write without the money. 

Well, fuck that. I no longer have faith in my faith. Yeah, God could do it. Easily. I no longer think it depends on me.

If anything, I think God might have been holding off this whole time specifically so that I would give up. And stop trying to shoulder the whole damn world. Or even just myself. 

The “good news” can’t be that only the strong survive. The “good news” can’t be that only those with enough faith in their own strength and abilities are going to make it.

That was the whole point. Jesus goes after the one little sheep that can’t keep up. 

I’m finally done with this hustle culture, bro. I’m done listening to podcasts. I’m done reading books. I’m done disciplining myself. I’m done trying harder. I’m done suppressing my thoughts and emotions just to appear like I’m coifed and unbothered. 

Like my shit don’t stink just as much as y’alls does too. 

I’m done with being invested in this nothing-ass life if God isn’t going to show up and make it any better. 

I’m not asking for anything too difficult for God. I’m asking for the basics.

I’m done trying to lose weight. I’m done stressing over trying to get my career fixed. I’m done trying to fix my relationships. All of ’em: friends, family, church, community. 

I’m done trying to convince anyone anymore that I think God is better than we’ve been sold/told. God can handle that mighty fine all on Their own.

I’m done trying to prove myself to anyone. I’m not a horrible person. And fuck anyone who thinks so. Sure, I fuck up – but not near the amount of other people y’all tolerate. And fuck y’all for trying to make me feel bad about myself. 

I’m not losing weight for noone anymore. Perfectly fine if y’all want someone different. God bless y’all in that. But again, I know I’m not a shitty person. And fuck anyone for looking down on me just because I’m fat. When I have a whole lot more to offer than some superficial bullshit. I’m fat because I don’t have any safety in this fucked up society. That’s number one. Start there first.

Fuck y’all for thinking I can’t do shit just because I don’t have the money to pay for higher education. I’m able and have proven I’m competent enough. I’m not taking another goddamn personality test to do an entry-level job. I’d love to go back to school and get as much as I can. But I don’t have tens of thousands of dollars for that. Or the time to focus. And I’m tired of being in debt. If I can fucking teach myself Python then I can very goddamnwell figure out a fucking Excel formula. If these folks would get their heads out their asses and give me a chance. But so be it if not. Perfectly fine whatever their perogative. Again, God is well-able to give me the job I want and need.

Fuck social media. The Internet is dead. AI content was the nail in the coffin. Noone wants that shit. We’re farther apart than ever. I’m done participating. Or contributing. They killed radio first. Then television. And now the Internet. Never fucking learn. So damn short-sighted. Cut off their noses to spite their faces.

Same for every other company out there being so fucking evil. In seeing the people suffer. And doing nothing about it. Other than to squeeze every last drop of blood out of anyone still sticking around. Fuck that shit. I blame God if it doesn’t get better or fixed. I’m no longer delusional or taking on the responsibility to fix that. When the oppressors basically have unlimited ammunition. I give up on that.

Just to name a few.

When there is SO much more. 

I’m not even interested in writing anymore. Not until my bullshit-ass life gets fixed. I don’t have any happiness anymore to share. I see no more hope unless God steps in.

And God could. That’s not a big ask. 

The only faith I have left is maybe God was waiting on us to get to this point. So we didn’t think striving was the solution. And continue wielding around that tone-deaf miserable advice to even one more that is hurting. 

I’m guilty. I used to tell everyone “never give up”. With no qualifications. 

Yeah, fuck all that.

God met me where I needed healing. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Over and over. Until I finally now surrender. Years later.

I am so sorry. My apologies to everyone for my complete ignorance. I meant well. But yeah, I just hadn’t exhausted my youthful ignorant “strength” yet.

Now I have.

Took me damn long enough. 

Now it’s all on You, God. 

I need a better Life. 
I need better Love.
I need so much more.

Including a bigger and better God than the one I was selling y’all before. 

Cause this is some horrendous bullshit we’re in. 

And I need A LOT than I was previously settling for. From others. From myself. And even from God.

Until then, just giving up on anything more than food in my mouth and a warm, dry place with a shower to sleep every night. 

Everything else can go to hell. 
Until God chooses to fix all this shit.

Mark my words. This is all I have left to say until that time.