Sarah Nyhan

I forget to make mention of these things. Chiefly because it is nobody else’s business.

And hopefully one of the least interesting things about me. If I’m fully alive and actually living.

Because I don’t want who I choose to spend my time with to be my whole entire personality.

I’ve always been like that. Intensely private about some things even as I choose to put myself out there on others. I like to say that in general I am an open book but not a billboard.

I don’t feel shame about what I am going to say next. That’s not why I bring it up or clarify my stance on it.

I just want to set the record straight. Pun intended.

Mainly because there is still a recording of me from a long time ago floating around there on the Internet. And my views have significantly changed since then. Thankfully!

So I just want to make that clear.

Because it’s come up recently. People asking me.

Number one: I now don’t consider sexual or romantic attraction as a binary situation. Maybe for some. But so far as I can tell, I think attraction exists on a spectrum for many, if not most.

So for me it’s no longer whether you are straight or gay. I hate even using those words.

For me now I see it as where do you fall on the spectrum of attraction towards feminine- and masculine-presenting energy, body parts, characteristics, etc.?

I personally am not attracted to specific body parts. I really don’t understand that so much. Especially reproductive organs. In either sex.

I am however intensely attracted to the whole package. I can definitely appreciate physical appearances as a whole.

Yet physical attraction is never enough for me. If everything else isn’t also there then I am completely turned off.

What else has to be there?

Good energy number one. Healthy internal energy emanating outward first. Psychic or spiritual energy. Whatever you want to call it. Basically people who are self-aware and working on their shit.

Then I am attracted in no particular order to…

Very high intelligence. Of all kinds. Book smarts, street smarts, emotional intelligence, etc.

And humor. Clever humor. Not bathroom humor. Although I’ll make an exception for clever bathroom humor sometimes.

There is the most attractive kind of intelligence in humor that makes me laugh still years later when I think of it. I’ve been pretty lucky to have found a few rare ones like that along the way.

But I absolutely hate and am completely unattracted to people who make fun of others in a mean-spirited way. That isn’t funny to me at all.

One such person comes to mind. The rare male I was sexually attracted to. He is super intelligent but I instantly hated him when word got back to me later that he made fun of someone I introduced him to. In front of her. Mocking her. Especially something she clearly was struggling with. That wasn’t funny to me at all!

So I am immensely attracted to respectful people. Being thoughtful and conscious of other people and your impact on the world is extremely sexy to me. A non-negotiable for me. And not that difficult. I am completely unattracted to selfish or mean people. People who don’t care how they hurt others.

On the flip side, I am also completely unattracted to people who aren’t able to stand on business. Who have no boundaries. Or who quickly fold under pressure. Who aren’t courageous. Who are weak and won’t stand up for what is right when they have the opportunity to do so.

I would say in general that I am most attracted to strength of all types. In either sex.

There are plenty more things on my list of attractive and unattractive qualities. But for now hopefully the point has been made.

What annoys me most about this conversation in current times is cultural norms being confused with gender, biology, or sexual attributes.

I am a biological female who prefers to dress in what my culture describes as more masculine clothing. But I am 100% sure that I am a biological female.

And although there are times that I wish I could partake in some biological and cultural advantages of being a male: such as being able to pee easier while traveling. And being able to avoid all of the negative aspects of constantly being sexualized as a female.

Even with that, I know I am a biological female. And I might not like all that comes with, but I know I can never be a male. And I don’t have any desire to try to live like one.

That being said, I two people come to mind. Of opposite genders. Who have changed over to living as the other gender.

One of those people I have known since they were a child. And they always expressed cultural tendencies of the opposite gender. It was no surprise to me then that they would want to live that way. But in my version of a perfect world, that person would feel free to use their given name and identity as male even when wearing clothes more commonly considered “female” in this culture. And paint their nails. And listen to certain music. And not act all macho tough. Etc. Just as examples.

I think maybe in another culture they would have felt accepted in doing so. Without feeling the need to present as a whole different gender. And it wouldn’t have to have been this whole thing.

Which I feel sad about. But is neither here nor there. My vote doesn’t count. It’s their life.

But why can’t we talk about internalized hate taught by society as part of the gender conversation? Before we go permanently altering body parts?

In any event, I have personally experienced how awful the treatment is when I refuse to comply with how this society expects me to present as female. I am treated like dog shit sometimes. Even by people who know me. They don’t think twice about it. My lack of concern about dressing for either the male or female gaze seems to make most people feel they have full permission to shit all over me.

By the way, I dress for comfort, happiness, and practicality. Sometimes for fun. Rarely to attract any attention. Especially sexual. That never was safe for me before. And there are extremely rare occasions where I feel safe doing so even now.

As this cultural stereotypically sees it, I am attracted to more masculine-presenting energy in either sex.

But one reason I hate talking about my sexual and romantic preferences is that those less prone to critical thinking will automatically assume I am then attracted to all females if I dress in a way that is associated with women who wear clothing that is culturally seen as more masculine.

And nothing could be further from the truth. I am attracted to a very small minority of women. Those that in my growing up used to be called “butch” or “dyke”. Now referred to among other terms as “stud” or “masc” etc.

In other words, don’t flatter yourselves women – I am not attracted to 95% of you. And it’s so annoying when people treat me otherwise. Just because I wear what they consider as masculine clothing. Ugh! Give me a break!

But it goes for guys also. I am not attracted to 90-95% of the guys I meet. And I do have a physical type there also. But I don’t have the motivation to go into that now. It’s not the point.

My personality and identity have very little to do with who I am attracted to. I am way more than that. I am a full person.

I think because I failed so spectacularly in finding community through spiritual ideologies, I am very resistant to seeking out community based on gender or sexuality or political ideologies, among many others, as they present in America for a large part these days.

In that I see people as individuals now.

My experience has been that shitty people can hide out anywhere. That being in a group of purportedly like-minded individuals is no guarantee you’ll be protected. Or find who you are looking for.

I guess I’m romantic in still thinking the Universe will absolutely bring along whoever is right for me whenever we are ready for each other. Whether it’s someone I know or someone completely new. Male or female. I trust God’s heart for me implicitly now in that especially.

Doesn’t mean “the apps” are ‘bad”. God bless you in however you choose to meet people. I’m sure there are plenty of case studies for others where it worked.

And never say never, but that way just doesn’t feel right for me now. I have such an aversion to playing games and being objectified. I just can’t stand treating myself like a piece of meat to be marketed.

I still want to believe in old-school love. Not “the one” so much as meeting people organically. That it is still possible.

I’ve encountered people from different backgrounds and orientations my whole life. When my biological father was in the military and we traveled extensively. To my own adventures across the country. And speaking with probably close to 20,000 people during my times as a taxi and rideshare driver.

All those conversations. All those interactions. Have taught me that I am a fool to pigeon-hole myself away from almost anyone based primarily on aspects of their preferences or ideologies.

I learn and expand my world way more when I take an interested and curious approach to everyone I meet. I have learned countless things from others by being open that way. I have made innumerable positive experiences and interactions by not counting people out before getting to know them.

I am much more concerned about how someone treats me and others. Than I am about any category even they might use to identify themselves and others by.

I’ve also been beat up by life enough to operate in enough humility to remember I was so sure of things long ago that I now completely reject. And as much as I wish security existed in dogmatic thinking, I now espouse never saying never. It’s easier that way. Than eating a big ol’ pie of crow later.

So am I “bi”? Sorta. If that means I am only attracted to like 5% of males and females on the planet.

But I am really unconcerned about labeling myself and others in that respect. I cringe at even talking about it.

And so along with that I just wanted to make clear that I don’t hate men even if I have been or ever end up with a woman. I’m not that kind of “lesbian” – if you insist on labeling me with that term.

I don’t hate lesbians either.

But rage-baiting and hating seems to be popular at least in America these days. More so than coming together to work things out. Even by those that profess to be so progressive.

I want peace. I want happiness. I want joy. I want respect. I want love for everyone. No matter who they are or who they are attracted to. As long as we’re talking about consenting human adults without any questionable age or wage gap stuff going on.

I align myself with people who live my same values. And of those, I share my body with who I’m physically and sexually attracted to.

That’s it. Simple. Straightforward. 😉

It would be easier if I could give someone a checklist. Ask them to align themselves with some binary sexual or political preference. And be done with it based on the junk between their legs. But I find real life much more complex and colorful than that. And thank God or goodness!

The artist in me still appreciates beauty. As subjective as that is. In that especially when it comes to females, I can appreciate beauty in women while not at all being sexually or romantically attracted to them.

One example is that I have an appreciation for the art in doing nails, hair, and makeup. I really do. I am amazed at some of the creativity. But do I want to be physically intimate with someone who has long nails, who wears makeup, and has a bunch of unnatural processed hair full of chemicals? Absolutely not at all! Not sexually attracted to that in the least. In fact, it’s a major turnoff for me when it comes to sexual attraction.

But these days in American culture I am so scared to give another woman a sincere compliment on any part of their appearance for fear that they’ll take it the wrong way. And read way more into it than I ever said.

This isn’t to bash women. Or anyone.

It’s just to officially clarify where I am for those that are interested in who I am attracted to. And may be understandably confused.

This isn’t all I have to say on the subject. But hopefully it clears up a few things.

I wish it was simple. But people are infinitely diverse. There are endless worldviews.

And I don’t think there are many shortcuts to bypassing the work required for true intimacy.

Loss is the price we pay for Love. No way around it. Either on the front end or the back.

One thing I regret: losing myself in trying so hard to find another.

So now I am primarily committed to being in a relationship with myself first. Loving myself first.

And that work is taking up all of my time, energy, and resources for now.

Having someone who actually understands and appreciates that right now would be so rare. Someone who wanted to stick around while I need so much space? Haven’t found them yet.

But also not holding my breath.

Doing the work. Creating a life I look forward to living. Regardless of whether someone sleeps beside me tonight.

I love Love. I am a big fan of intimacy. Physical and otherwise.

But I finally understand that just like the spectrum for sexual and romantic attraction, there is a spectrum of Love in our lives.

Just because you don’t have someone blowing your back out doesn’t mean you are alone. If you put yourself out there, the people you encounter throughout your day all have the potential to mirror Love right back to you. Different kinds of Love. Not just sexual intimacy.

That’s why I don’t trip on being caught up any situationships. Just to say someone tolerates me – at best for many if not most I’ve met.

Are you in love with Love? Or are you in Love with the totality of the essence of the person you purport to adore so much?

Do you really want them at their worst? Or just what they do for you?

Do you want them to be obsessed with you? To desire you above all?

Or are you in it for the long haul? When love is actions absent of feelings? When it’s time for Love to step up as a verb? To do the work. For them.

When you’re not even committed to doing the work for yourself?

I’m not against sex. I’m not against fun. I’m not even against organized groups.

I’m just saying there’s way more to the conversation for me than what reproductive organs someone has. And whether or not they want to get physically close to someone of any particular sex.

Do I have any desire to fight about any of this? Not at all as long as how others see differently isn’t being forced onto me.

For example, I find it absolutely ludicrous that a job application, and I’ve seen more than one, asks me what my sexual preference is! Like what the fuck does that have to do with performing the job I am applying for? I’m not sorry that I don’t want Corporate America in my underwear or my bedroom. Yuck.

But at the same time I am passionate about freedom of choice being legally recognized. As long as noone is getting hurt. That’s also a non-negotiable.

Representation matters a lot in that respect. Action matters even more.

How do we congregate and organize in that regard? Without devolving into unhelpful speech, to start?

I can at least do my part here. Speaking openly and honestly.

When others try to shame me.

At least stand up that way.

Maybe it won’t make a huge difference elsewhere, but it’s huge for me. Especially coming from where I’ve been.