Sarah Nyhan

Jealousy is a compliment. In a weird ass way. It doesn’t feel good, but the other person sees your strengths better than you do.

What gets me is the viciousness of what appears to be hatred. When really it’s just tons of envy.

The scary part is the degree of their fury is actually not towards you. It’s the degree that they hate themselves and/or their own life.

Don’t take it personally. But I’d say remove yourself if you can make an exit.

Radical responsibility doesn’t go looking for people to treat me nicer. Radical responsibility doesn’t fall apart and start sucking my thumb like there’s no other option.

No, radical responsibility is me looking myself straight in the face and saying I’ve already outgrown these folks. No matter how much I may like them or want them to like me.

That’s it. Cut and dry. If I want better treatment then I need to be around better people.

And I haven’t put myself in that position because I didn’t want to be rejected by people I respected. Because I knew I wasn’t doing my best.

There’s reasons – sure. But you either work through them or you stay stuck. Cause probably no hero, even Jesus, coming to fix things anytime soon. Certainly waiting around for God to fix everything and everyone got me exactly right here. In these streets. People hating my guts for the barely there minimum I got.

Ridiculous. If I truly want better.

What’s better worth to you?

Just call it like it is if that’s the deal. As in, yeah – I lost literally everything and everyone. Like a bomb was dropped into my life, into my world. Even almost lost all of myself.

So that’s a gimmie. For sure. I didn’t even want to be alive for the longest. Hope disappeared completely. For the old narrative I was quite certain about I guess too many times.

My only goal now is better. Have to still ration my emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, and social energy. In order to build. In order to maintain an upward trajectory – albeit at a MUCH slower pace than I’d prefer.

But it’s something. And after the last few years I’ve had, something is good enough. I can work with something as long as it’s going in the right direction.

Winners lose more than losers. Can’t forget that.

While we level up.

While we no longer give energy to jealous people. To unhappy people. To people whose only sick pleasure is knocking you down. Happy at your misery.

Not me. Not after all I’ve been through. Zero time for that.

No more gaslighting myself to accept crap. Even in the name of Jesus.

Less delusional, dare I say, optimism going forward. No longer afforded the luxury of youth’s ignorance.

Real life. All day every day over here, bitches. Take that to the bank. I’m walking myself through putting the old me to death. Not giving the fuck anymore about any other bullshit.

Level up.