Sarah Nyhan

It’s absolutely reasonable to feel like you are dying. It’s true – you are dying. The old you is dying.

You keep trying to hang on. When that old you needed to die. The one who didn’t show up for themself. Because they didn’t know how. We want to stop doing that over and over.

We want to be happy. We want to enjoy life. We want to wake up looking forward to the day.

Not just barely surviving it. Not just showing up as a side character in everyone else’s life.

But living my own damn life. Being the main character of my own life.

What if it is that simple? Just choosing yourself. For once.

No, choosing yourself over and over.

You don’t really believe that you show up best for others when you are full of yourself.

People say that like it’s a bad thing. When you stop giving yourself away to people who only tolerate you until there’s nothing more of you to take.

They always made me feel bad for having higher standards. For actually not wanting to settle for anything less than real Love. They told me I was picky. They called it being a control freak.

God forbid I learn how to have boundaries so there’s something left of me. To have the audacity to maybe show up for myself more than once in awhile.

They told me I’d be more accepting of their behavior towards me if I just had someone fucking me. As if they are some epitome of happiness. When the ugly drama in their lives certainly seems the opposite.

I don’t want to care what anyone else is doing in their lives anymore. I’m not trying to save the world anymore.

Maybe it’s not so bad to have more than the bare minimum of money. Maybe it’s not so bad to wake up where you actually feel peace and happiness.

I love you, but I need to love me first.

I’m not dying for you anymore. I don’t have that to give away for free anymore these days.

Blame it on all the people who walked away after completely draining me. Who so flippantly discarded me. Their words clearly meaning nothing.

No, the old me that put up with that needs to be replaced. Level up.

Unfortunately I am the only one who can put my old me to rest. Give the old me a break. Tell the old me that they are fired from taking the reigns.

Not only do I have to put my old self to death, but I have to work really hard to make a new me. To put in those reps.

To get used to the uncomfortable feeling of not constantly looking for something outside of myself to “fix”.

To wade through figuring out who I really am beneath all the crap put on me. All they gave me to carry.

It’s not easy at all. There’s so much anger (a good thing). So much sadness. So much grief.

And then that echoing loneliness as you learn, maybe reluctantly, to be your own best friend. Your own partner. Your own family.

To treat yourself so well that you see those with nefarious energy coming miles away. Exit in the future before they ever get close enough to creep in and start fucking shit up again.

Ironically I wouldn’t have known I had the strength I needed to get acquainted with if it wasn’t for you dropping me. If it wasn’t for you abandoning me. If it wasn’t for you stabbing me in the back.

You’re going to miss me. Gonna regret doing me so dirty. One day.

I’m so small to you now. Not worth anything to you now. Just a loser to you now.

One day you’ll regret taking my kindness for weakness. One day you’ll regret shiting all over me like I didn’t deserve any better.

But I hope I’ll be so busy enjoying my new life then that I won’t even care. That I won’t even have any mental space to think of you.

It feels like dying now. Putting in ALL this work. Hopefully it will start to pay off more soon.

Right now at least I have peace. Right now at least I don’t have drama.

You left me with nothing but a clear foundation to build on.

I prayed for this. I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

But the pain reminds me never to go back to this place ever again. Never let them do me like that again.

Finally show up for myself. Find my value. Count myself at least as worthy as those I used to lay down my life for. Treat myself, show up for myself, work as hard for myself as I used to do for everyone else.

Once you finally realize that no one else holds the power to your happiness…
that not only is your happiness reasonably possible, but also very probable…
once you stop waiting on everyone else to show up… to deliver you, to save you…

then you find your superpowers. Then you become unstoppable. Or at least a force more than most.

Not that it is a competition. But suddenly the whole world unlocks when you realize the universe shows up FOR you. At least adult you.

You don’t have to be stuck anymore. Stop focusing on what is happening to you. Start focusing on what you want.