Sarah Nyhan

This morning I dreamt that I kept barging into a doctor’s office.

The first time I was supposed to be there.

The second time he had a room full of other professionals in there. He was busy with them but assured me I’d be okay and that he would be with me when he finished.

The third time I told him I couldn’t wait. That I had to speak to a female Doctor from my past. Because something was wrong and they were the only ones who could help me because they were the only ones who believed.

The office was full of other doctors and professionals. And the male doctor told me to go to the hospital. He assured me that the female Doctor would eventually be there. But I didn’t believe him. And she knew it. So she told me, “Sarah, I am so tired, but I will be there.”

I closed the door to the office and felt bad. Here she was so tired and I was insisting on her doing more. I didn’t want to be like that. Why couldn’t I help myself? Why couldn’t I control my panic?

It’s because we don’t believe. We think this is the end of the story.

Why didn’t I go to God?

I was like Peter: walking on water until I looked down at all the reasons this shouldn’t be working. Seeing only my lack. How unable I was to keep the gig going. Letting all the circumstances speak louder to me than Spirit’s whispers of reminders of how many times God had come through in amazing ways before with just what I needed.

I thought I needed another person to help me. To deliver me. Because I couldn’t see how I could deliver myself. And I felt abandoned by God. Forgotten. So i didn’t think to factor Them into the equation.

Oh sure, intellectually I would have told you so. Intellectually I wouldn’t have denied God. But in my heart, I allowed circumstances to speak differently. And my choices spoke to the fact that I thought it was really up to me. To save myself.

Just because we see a body in the grave, that doesn’t mean that it’s over. In so many ways. The Jesus you sing and go on about has a really cool story about things turning around when it looked like all hope was lost, when all those promises were full of shit. This God you once believed in specializes in bringing what looks dead back to life.

And yet here we are in the middle. Of our story. Stuck between what we thought we knew and where we hoped we could be. What do we do here in the waiting? While “reality” is demanding our attention?

This is where I messed up before. I hung too closely to a particular narrative. I didn’t leave room for mystery. For God to surprise me with Their best. For what I intellectually would have agreed was more than I could ask or imagine.

Let me tell you a story. One time I was living in Corpus Christi. And I was bidding on some work that was available to me. But I wanted the work at a certain price that seemed fair to me. Not over the top; I needed the money but I didn’t want to undervalue myself just because of fear. So I waited. And someone else won the bid.

But God? I thought all this time you were teaching me to stop settling for crumbs when you wanted to give me my own whole cake?

“Just keep doing what you would do right now as if everything is going to work out.”

In other words, stop worrying and give myself, everyone, and everything to Them, to Their heart. Does God Love me or not?

Don’t factor Trinity out just because you don’t see. Just to try to save Them face. And yourself the hurt if They don’t come through as and when you expect. As if They can’t handle even the biggest challenge. As if They aren’t well aware of how we perceive Them. As if They aren’t able to manage Their own reputation. I dare you to think bigger. There is a lot more going on here if God hasn’t yet given us the things we felt like we for sure were promised. Even the biggest.

And so I chose, I decided to relax. And give God that problem. I’m Their kid. They know what I need. They Love me. And They know even more than me, or all the other people judging me, my inability to fix the things that are out of my control.

And then, as I was trusting the outcome to Them, there it was again – the bid. Something had happened. The other person it had been awarded to pulled out at the last minute. Didn’t go forth with the job. And put it back out there. For me. Now at a higher price. Much closer to what I originally wanted. I couldn’t resist. I snagged it as soon as I could. And won. Everything I needed for that time.

The lesson was clear: if God had given me something, I didn’t have to worry. Even if it looked like it was gone, He’d bring it back if it was really mine.

“But people, God?”

Even people.

I don’t get confirmation about specific ones in specific ways. But out of the blue someone I thought was absolutely gone will reach out and contact me randomly. Just when I am navigating these things. Someone I had tried to communicate with will all of a sudden, after years of failed attempts, pop back up. Showing me that it’s not over until it’s the end. And it’s not the end yet. Not if I’m still here.

But healing isn’t guaranteed in my timeline. Or how I expect. That’s where the panic comes in. When I forget that. That’s what I need to let go of: my version of how I think God is going to work all of this out.

Because this is about my heart more than the circumstances. Our hearts. Some of us more so than others. The little rejected lambs. We panic. As we should, as expected for kids who don’t yet know better. Who understandably think they’ve lost all that matters.

But The Good Shepherd knows. That once we get it, once we’re convinced of Their goodness, then we won’t be afraid. Then we will run to Them.

And the other lambs will see this. Then the other lambs won’t be afraid. They’ll follow us first out of curiosity because of our audacity. Our lack of fear in the face of everything. But then eventually they’ll see for themselves that it’s okay to come close, okay to do differently. And that’s when everything will really change exponentially.

Would you like to be a part of that? Haven’t you already prayed for it many times over?

God doesn’t author these bad things that happen. God just works with whatever we give Them, whatever we bring Them. Even the things we don’t; the hurts we keep hidden and to ourselves. And turns them around, turns everything around for good. Somehow.

That’s why we’re safe. Jesus proved it already when He let us nail Him up, naked and bleeding for all to see and mock. He said, They said, “Give us your best shot, all you’ve got. And We’ll show You that there’s nothing to worry about. That no matter what you do or don’t do – You will always and only be Loved. And included.”

It’s not over for you yet. For us.

“Daydream, I fell asleep amid the flowers,
For a couple of hours on a beautiful day.
Daydream, I dreamed of you amid the flowers,
For a couple of hours, such a beautiful day!”